Book 2 June 9 1983 to December 12 1983

8308.14

I saw a vision, that the only time I was couragous, was when I thought I had nothing to lose.
My vision said I was dieing. Not only dieing but dieing in a bloody and gruesome way. I had a cancer of the viens. This in time would clog and weaken them. Thus blood wouldn't be able to leave my heart, artieries won't let blood flow backwards. Thus in time would cause a bloody death when artries fill up and burst causing internal and external bleeding and possibly forcing the heart full of blood to point of exploding because of the lack of exitus.
I envisioned this happening to me. I had from then to about a week to live. I felt I had nothing to lose. I became couragous. I did and said things I never would have said or done before. I told my the secrete. Thats when I lost everything.
I died a broken, lonely person, with nothing. I died miserabley and painfully in a room all alone. I died and no one cared anymore.
I had plenty to lose, I just didn't realize it. I shouldn't have said or did those things. I should have thought instead. But then I was dead.

8308.15

And down from the heavens came Angel-man. His statuer was grand, his phisic tender. His skin was olive, his hair black, but those brown eyes shone like the moon.
I was evil yet visited by Angel-man. How could such a paridy be.
'I have come to torment you with your pleasures. I am Angel in heaven, hell to you.'
Even this didn't destroy the image, but next to his sleek olive body sat a small dragon. If I came close, just a little to close, the dragon would attack.
What to do thought I, what can I do?
Angel-man then pointed to the heavens and as I gazed upward to the stars I saw the moon. The moon had a peculiar shape and was mysteriously growing darker. To one side I saw the face of Death Dealer, to other the fisage of Thesus, embeded in the stars. Then I understood.
Now theres light in my life, but it could become only love in the dark. I need a total eclipse of the heart.
Death Dealer and Thesus is my light, without them only darkness. I need controll to live. So I only stare at these Angel-man.

8308.16

I lied, and I cursed. Death Dealer was about both times.
For some reason I am not ashamed.
Death Dealer and I were together. We were gathering money for a substitute in the mail. I began to tell him of a vision, then realizing were the vision lead, I lied about the ending.
I protected a lasting friendship and myself. Thus I don't feel bad about lieing.
A boy, and idoit boy on a bicycle, gave me and my stead a problem. Death Dealer and I rode the red stallion and soon came into an idoit boy on a bicycle, a very slow and traffic blocking boy.
I gave friendly and customary warning after and unacustome wait. The boy stayed in the middle of the path and signaled okay. All was not 'okay' for he had not moved and did not for some time. I finally broke away and went around as I did he turned and said 'Big Man.'
'Fuck off Bastard.'
I then continued along lisening to Death Dealer laugh hystericaly and repeat this 'unfamilar' phrase.
I expresed my feelings. I see noting wrong. But some how both seem 'wrong'.

8308.17

Turn around bright eyes - your the light in my life. I can't say why, who, or how. I'm living in a powder-keg and those are sparks.
I wresteled Thesus to the ground today and resisted all temptations with out a thought.
Turn me lose, I have a life. I got to live it my way or no way at all.
Then I met you, you had to have it your way or no way at all.
Well I'm tired of your iron ball and constricting chain.
Why don't you turn me lose,
I got to do it my way or no way at way *all*
You say your way, wll I'm saying No way! Turn me lose. I'm going to fly, fly away.
From; my free spirit, that many let roam.
To; The Idiot, someone so blind he can't tell I'm dieing in his cage.

Time ticks ten, the regulator goes.
Bedtime comes quickly, for must I rise early in the morrow.
My day was good, my night should be fitful.
I see the sun down, I beat it up.
Mary goes the day between fittful the night blow.

Heat! screeches, all under the scorch.
Hot! burns the sun into our skin.

8308.18

The more I think, the more I tend to realize.
A while back I found out were Galifrey came from in my mind. Now I believe I have found why I admire and have an affinity for Demons.
Demons are powerful, misunderstood, outcast. Demons don't even get along with Demons. Perhaps I believe that what I am may turn me into a weak, misunderstood, outcast. And if I were to be that, I would want the power to rise above it, like the Demons. Demons have the power to rise above the others, they don't because they don't know how. They use there power to strike back at others instead of forgive.
I would probibly strike out for a while also, but hope I could break free from that.
Demons don't git - along with other Demons, perhaps I can't git - along with my fellow Demons. Maybe I don't want to.

Death Dealer, Thesus your going to help me and you'll never know you even did. With visions of you two in my head I will let you be my incentives to try and stop what I am. This is not change by presure, I have found a part of me I am not satisfied with, I will change it like I did others things. Working toward my perfect image of self.

*Of course there are certain things you can't change no matter how hard you try. Sex drive and attraction are not like smoking. It isn't a habit you can break. It isn't a learned behavior like a temper that you can learn to control. It's something as instinctive as breathing. You can exert some control over it, but you can't stop it.
All so, about the Demons. I've always been enthralled with the Heroic and the heroes. The power of the Villain. When you have power - how do you use it? This is one of the steps of my realizations. Power is generally misused.*

8308.19

My thoughts are of Death again. I don't know why. Maybe its to help me realize my life.
There are so many things that I have said and done that I wish I haven't. There are also many things I have yet to do and say.
I love you. Three words I say alot to those I love. I fear not having said it to someone I love before I die. Thus I say it every day so that they can remember the last time I said I cared.
Death Dealer and Thesus, though, they don't alow me many chances to say what I feel. But I feel it just the same.
That balck dragon within me lashes out at me. I try to repel his asalt with counter images, but usally to no avail. I call on the mind images of Death Dealer and Thesus to help me and they do what they can.
My cat just ?jumped? up on the bed and tried to play with the air. He lost a claw, a real claw, in the imaginary battle.
Could such a real, physical, loss come to me in my battle of the soul? Is my battle of self controll, self domination, and self exil a battle I can hope to win?
Change never came easy to me. The changes I didn't want always came about, the ones I want never come.

8308.2Ø

It is now I unfold the story of the staff. This powerful staff has had me unslaved to it for years.
Everyone sought to hide the staff, it had once riegned supreme and destroyed many lives. And thus they hid it in an unusall way.
The towns selected one man and one woman to bear this staff to its hidden destiny. The woman a flower, the man a rock. These chosen two then bore the staff on a journey. They told no one where they went, or where they were going. They looked for a hidding place, and when it was found and placed there, the staff struck back. As was expected. The stone crumbled and flower blosomed, only to wilt in the morning sun.
There the staff stayed, no one knew where, it became shrouded in mystery.
When I was a boy I ventured down into a valley. And like a boy in the spring time I frolicked in the new grown grasses.
Soon I became lost. Then I found a waterfall. I watched the cascading waters for some time before I realized a hole in the rocks behind the waters. I walked through the sheet of water and got not a drop upon me.
There were small pebbles on the floor and weeds in the cracks of the walls. But there, on a white alter, sat the glowing red staff. There was an oval bulb on one end, two on the other and about 7 inches of cylinder between. *drawing of the staff*
Not knowing what it was and being a curious boy I put it in my hands and examined it. I then put it in my pocket and left.
I soon found home an wished to show my new treasure to someone, my parents perhaps, but the staff wouln't let me. Thus it stayed my hidden treasure for years.
Then one day a prospecter came to town. He greeted me, I greeted him and we talked. Then he wanted to show me something, a treasure he said. He pulled out a staff much like my own. Shocked I showed him mine.
He then became suprised. It's the real one he yelled. He grasp it firmly and showed what it could do.
After an incantation the staff glowed brightly and shot forth a white beam of light which shattered boulders, and then the prospecter.
I picked my treasure and held it tightly and it forced me to do things for it.
I tried to resisted but it made return to the white alter and kneel. He forced images in my mind only to be shot down by the white ray.
I felt so badly, yet it lured me back with feelings of pleasure. I always felt good when I held it, but as soon as I let go I felt drained and guilty.
Today was the first day in years since discovery that I resisted the call of the staff. Its an
Its angery and controlls my thoughts, but I resist. I now will controll it, not the other way around.

*Nice idea but it never works that way. By the way - how many realized I was talking about my penis and masturbation?*

8308.21

I have resisted the power of the staff for one more day, but the feelings remain. I hope that by refusing the staffs power I can over-come the feelings it brought along.
The staff showed me his power once again as it tried to drag me back to it.
It cast cascading and confusing illusions about me. They finally settled into one large and over powering illusion.
I was in a maze, the walls were black. The heat was tremendous, and the hundred degree temperature was felt stronger in the dense sticky humidity.
As I began to walk through the maze every once in a while there was a gap in the wall and man stood there. The gaps ocured closer and closer together and were larger to hold more men.
Before I realized the walls were made of men. soon I began to notice faces, most where strangers, a few were vaugely familiar, fewer still were aquaintances. Those that I knew made me run faster through the maze getting myself only lost.
In my near frenzy to be free of the maze and the prying eyes of those I knew, I didn't notice the walls began to gap again letting the men thin out. soon only black walls where around me radiation great heat. I calmed down and began walking again. Then I turned the courner to a horrorfiying sight.
There in a black walled room sat a white alter with Angel-man sitting and holding the staff out to me in offering. Tho his right was an enraged Death Dealer tied to the wall like an X. To Angel-mans left was Thesus in a simalar style.
I fell to my knees in grief and anger then looked up and shouted my refusal to the heavens. The bonds broke setting Death Dealer and Thesus fee, then all disappeared.

8308.22

For a moment I felt betrayed. And in that moment of weakness I was struck.
I called Death Dealer has I had for days. I recieved no answers before, his borhter answered this time. He informed me of his jorney to an unknown place. For an instant I felt betrayed.
The staff senced this weakness and struck me quickly. The words I had writen caused me to sieze the staff and do its bidding.
Angered at its dormant stay it forced out twice and much damage, twice.
Suddenly I threw down the staff and looked at the destruction. The feelings returned and were doubled by the memory that I wasn't betrayed. I now remembered being told of the journey, and its unexpectedness.
I tried to quicly clean up the destruction and put away the feelings I had. Only He would't let me shelf those feelings. My conscious stood before me draped in white. He held out his palms and there were the images of Death Dealer and Thesus. He then closed his fists on the images and squeezed until blood poured from between his fingers. As I looked at his figure I noticed he was now draped in black.
The blood driped onto my face, and fell in place of tears. I had to choke back the real ones.

8308.23

I watched a story of love, true love, misplaced and misused.
School starts soon, at the end of week.
Friends are gone or out of touch, I hope to see them soon.
Money makes the world go round, but it loses momentum fast.
The staff took me like normal today. I start new resistance tomorrow.
Time ticks ten after ten and early rising tomorrow.
Goodnight to all and to all a Goodnight.

8308.24.

I am so tired. My workout sucked and my body yells rest.
I have things to do tommorrow. School begins anew. Job continues. Unicycle repairs, leather supplies needed. Running route to be found.
Sleep, my body says, sleep. My mind runs blank, I believe I'll check in.

8308.25

The day was long, full, and fullfilling. Yet, I still didn't get many of the desired things completed.
I made it to work and then to school. School is where most of my time went.
I met new people, remet old friends, saw new fads (the mohawk blew me away!) Met teachers old and new and conversed for hours all together.
Then I met Death Dealer at his home and conversed, then went back to school! Again met old and new conversed to nigh unto hours.
Then we met Thesus and scuttled off to lunches and an afternoon.
Thesus and Death Dealer bagan conversation. The Dilenger gun game into play. They made jokes about the blower and talked of there hate to the weapon.
'Cowards weapon' 'Nothing to it' 'Unpractable' 'All shit in general'.
I could not help but believe I night become like this gun one day. Visions flash into my head. I'm Death Dealers and Thesuses protectors. I battle Deamons away from them - yet I'm to late. I let them down in the end. Thus am I like the gun.
I must keep my caliber in check, and hope my safety is in place. My hammer is cocked and I'm ready to fire but I hope I don't, and if I do I hope I hit the mark and cause no pain.

8308.26

I Sit at the abode of Death Dealer now. I have now writen into morning and wish to continue.
School began and went well but for the heat. I saw some familar faces and many new ones to.
The staff has not claimed my sole or body in the last two days, but struck me down in the noon heat.
As said before I am at the dweeling of Death Dealer. I find I need not restrain my actions here for there seems to be no need.
However, as we worked out visions of violence asalted my person. Many the same as some before, many new. Again I was the protector of Death Dealer and Thesus, I was also a demi-Demon.
There lives were threatened and I reacted quickly, and very violently. I lashed out with Magiks and severed the heads of 5 foemen from there bodys. I then swung about my fist and elbows feeling there skulls cave in under the blows. There was blood all over me and I became blood thristy. In this bezerker rage, Death Dealer and Thesus died.
This knowledge only sends me deeper into the frenzy.
I used to think that if I became more of whats inside of me, by some mystic means, I would die, or split in shards of broken glass. Now I believe I would become one hell of a violent Demon.
I hope I can controll that Demon, and the other beasts within me. I shall try to turn the fericious menagery into glass and keep them fragel. For then I may break there wills at my command.
I pray Death Dealer and Thesus, or any others about me, know not of the Demon, the beast or the menagery. I pray I can tame them first then let them out, under my whip and chair.
*picture of a man arched back with a 'deer horned' cow-like demon coming out of him. A birds wing blends into a demons face which in turn becomes a growling cat. From the side of the cat is a ?horse? and from his eye is the stem of a champagne glass which is spilling it's contents.*
DDK *Skull insignia with horns and fangs*

8308.27

'You are to brutal to live Demon! We feel you must die!'
'To hell with that!' I yelled as I forced a wall of fire down between myself and my Warrior friends.
They jumped through the flames and then draw out there weapons. I now know I am troble, for the weapons are the equalizers. Weapons of fine design and structure, and resistant to my magiks. Now I must fight them brute strength to there skill and weapon.
The battle is fierce and long and I apear to have the upper hand, then I am killed. Thesus driveing his sword throught my right side, Death Dealer the left. Instead of going threw me, each doubbled back out the side they came.
I died from the inside out.
From spite and desire I siezed the staff today and subsided to its will. It went off at twice the power, but just didn't feel the same, I had the wrong motives.
Guilt and other emotions fell down upon me twice as hard as any time before.
I put down the staff and venture away from the alter. In my mind wanderings, I am attacked outwardly and physicaly by a great cat. He simply mauls my person and leaves himself.
I know I deserved the pain and punishment. I let the cuts bleed.
Then along the same line of punishment my grasp of fantasy, my only release of tension, vanished from my grasp. Unable to be found I must wait until at least the morrow to reastablish my grasp.

Idea; Variation - Make th inside a total, and an ability. Yet the outside mask is lost, and its an opposite.
Example - Small, weak, boy. A total pasifist and a dreamer - Becomes - a Deamon, large, strong, agressive and very violent an uses magik on the verge of phycological threat to individuals.
Example - street wise juvinile, flunked 6th grade and has record.
Becomes- space age genus with lazer abilities. (kid is genus but LD thus inside become opposite of out on the streets).
Transformations come from within, and brands the transformed with his symbol on the face and hands.
Abilities may change as the inside does.
DDK 8308.27:10:5Øp

8308.28

Work and school again. Yet the heat tempers both.
Labor grants money an money is needed for my newly wanted prize. Extra labors have and will I have. To be done in the noon day heat tempered by nought bu the dry hot winds and the humid atmosphere.
A quest for knowledge starts in the morning on schedualed paths, then continues later in my own direction.
Gypsys, thieves, Scotts and the Renasonts are the path.
Death Dealer plans to join me here and Thesus is far ahead of us both. For a festival comes this way and we wish to atend as realist.
Idea: example - A rich, restricted, prepie male - Becomes a free uninhibited spirit with emotional energy manipulation abilitys.
Example - I person who throws up a phisod of controll and is acutally an unstable and insecure personally ready to 'explode'

I was just called by the Calm Struggling alien. The Soud Searcher is coming down and they wish to take me to the Renosants, same as Thesus and Death Dealer. I am rended between two sets of two freinds.

8308.29

The end is near for this passage of time.
The learning tree is cool in the heat, the class of ancient design underway, figures for formulas float freely. Learning tree aplacation is starting, Food and fun at once and unfinshed, The learning key is fun current and all, I haven't met the class but wish to attend - tomorrow the chance.
Tick tock, tick Tock - the regulator charms in rythm.
To sleep I go. My mind is tired.

8308.3Ø

She is a joy. Woman I love your style. I have been in your presents exactly 1 hour and 2Ø minuets in three days and already have learned humungous amounts of knowledge and wisdoms to accompany me through my life.
I hope to strive for you, I will strive for you, I hope to make you happy.
Poetry already. Serious writing. I could tell the crud was just that 'drivel' as she put it. I could not quite understand the second but I knew it was good, reminded me of some things I've writen. If only I could understand the phrases and symbolismes. Teach me! Please! Fill my mind Mam'!

8308.31

Energy! it flows through out my body. I am exilerated to my own hyper limits.
There's a little black spot on the sun today.
Don't you know that the night, is far from over.
The heat grows and grows others about me sweat, but I know.
Ha! ha! I know!!!!!!

Mementoes of Yragael hang upon the wall.

Back away, you bastard Ivan ho! It nearly died but for your Empathic touch!
I know from wench it came,
You do Not!
Back away, you bastard Ivan ho!
I know it powers and abilities,
You do Not!
Let it die you fiend, Ivan ho!
touch it no more! Let it die,
Yvonivitch - you bitch - Ivan ho!

Idea - On the outside I am a punk. I've been arrested twice, I've lied my way out hundreds of times.
A small jewel called to my insides. It brought them out and let them manifest. My genius came forth, my love of machines turned to computer expartese. My calm stayed. My emotions are powerful lasers. I am marked with the Aunk. I am Wiz.

© March 1998 (copyright implied by date of entry, date covers web publication)