Book 2 June 9 1983 to December 12 1983

8306.09 considered

Where am I? This is new. I can sort of start all over again.
I'm off to another one of those good and bad starts again. I'll have to skip my work out tonight, the first time since I quit to start studying for Wingo's test.
I have to skip it though, because its late and I was with Death Dealer and the Artist. We talked and watched a show of bravery.

'I can't think of anything! My imagenation is taking a break.' cried I in surrealistic surroundings. Death Dealer walk through the wall and said 'Think of white paper.'
'Thats not difficult!' I yelled in hysteria as Death Dealer melted away onto an artist palet! 'It's all I've started at all day. My mind is as blank as it is!' My tears hit the floor and coaless into a growing form. The Doctor then stood over me, his feet dangeling by my face.
'Am I going to Die doctor?' I said solemly, and he replied,
'No, But I might.' he laughed like Goofy and contorted in the air, then fell and slplattered into the tear drops from which he came.
'Is there anybody out there?' asked the wall. 'I am.' said I, and none-one heared not even the chair.
thus the diamond fell and shattered cuting my feet as I walked away.

8306.1Ø

In seconds it becomes tomorrow so I now write today and into the early hours of tomorrow.
Death Dealer is with me now. He, the Artist and I have been together all day. The Artist retired our company but Death Dealer stays the night. We speak on all subjects from life to Death, strength and weakness. Fantasy to reality, from all of the Yins and Yangs of life.
Now he reads and I write. Before we sleep tonight we will speak of many more a thing or two.
Earlier today, Death Dealer called me teacher. I feeled honored by this for I was unaware I have taught him anything yet I knew he taught and is still teaching me many things. These things he teaches me go far beyond the killing and violence of his name, but as his card the Ace of Spades, it has many sides depending of on the hand held. He's taught me much of life and philosophy. We have had so much we wanted to get done in a 24 hour period and we couldn't. To bad time is such a heh, heh, killer.
'Doctor! Are you O.K.?!'
'That's the stupidest thing I've ever been asked! I just fell 40 feet!'
'How do you feel?'
'Like Crap! Goodbye. I'm leaving!'
'Where?'
'I don't know.' and he vanished like that.

8306.11

Death Dealer left for home recently. I met him at about 10 A.M. Friday and he left here at about 10 P.M. Saturday. That means he spent 36 hours in my company. We probibly could have spent many more hours together but he has his family and I mine. I however concider him a brother in my family.

First there was a potlergist in the house then we were invaded by a Thing. 27,000 hrs. is 1,125 days or 3 years and 3 months.

I can think of nothing to say or think period. Music blares and my mind tires so I will retire.

8306.12

I learn more and more each passing day. I learned that stress and relaxation can help build a strong healthy body and exhilerate a mind. With sleep to replenish myself I will become the me I wish to be.
Images of a man and a boy slur through my mind. There names truely exist but I have no visual image to fit. The information I have on personality is limited at best and confused at that. The story they run is negitive and I know is wrong. Thus I walk a kind of Damnation Alley.
Let me be at your mercy teacher to the Dealer of Death.

8306.13

The images of the name improve as I wished. Death Dealer and his father start a new project which envoles both death, blood, sweat, tears, and life. Thus thought the Dealer of Death, I need to span the globe delivering death and looking for the life I need. Thus must I travel a distance of great measure to do the delivering and looking. I shall design a vechilcle of great beauty, speed, and power.
Thus Death Dealer and his father take a lifeless hunk of metal and wire and begin to shape it. They name the vehicle of grace and pwoer, Genesis, fro they intend to bring life from that lifeless hunk.
But what of the reverse?
-Hello, Doctor.-
Hello
-Would you like to play a Game?-
Yes, list.
=# Biological Warfare
...Troop and trench War
...Global War
...Global thermonuclear War
...Chess
...Tic - Tac - Toe . #=
THESE ARE GAMES?
-YES, DOCTOR -
HOW ABOUT Global thermonuclear War.
-HOW ABOUT A NICE GAME OF CHESS?-
ONLY A GAME.
-WHICH SIDE DO YOU WANT?
=# U.S.A. .... U.S.S.R. =
WHY NOT RUSSIA.
Thus starts a game on a small glowing screen with with a boy and a national deffense computer.
WHAT IS THE OBJECT OF THIS GAME?
-TO WIN -
THIS IS A GAME?
-WHAT'S THE DIFFERANCE ? -
Thus the computer carrys out the game with out contoll from the boy, tring to win a nuclear war. for real!
LETS PLAY A NEW GAME
-NO. GLOBAL Thermonuclear War IS LOCKED IN AND PLAYING. -
Each short of breath, War. All of it a moving paper and computer fantasies. Facing a dieing nation with only the visions of loving you. Oh, god! What to do!
LIST GAMES
=# BIOLOGICAL WARFARE
...TROOP AND TRENCH WAR
...GLOBAL WAR
...GLOBAL Thermonuclear War
...CHESS
...TIC - TAC - TOE #=
LETS PLAY CHESS
-NO, GLAOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR LOCKED IN AND PLAYING. ESTIMATED TIME TO END; ØØ HOURS 1Ø MIN Ø9 SEC -
PLAY TIC - TAC - TOE
-beep-beep- one screen pops into tic-tac-toe-
-PLAYERS?-
NONE
The computer begins to play itself Tic-Tac-Toe on one screen as nuclear warheads are traced to both the U.S.A. and th U.S.S.R.
'What are youdoing!'
'Trying to teach this computer! Come on Damn it, learn!'
'What's it going to learn from tic-tac-toe?'
'It's a pointelss game. You can't win it, espeacilly when playing yourself as I have it doing now.'
'What's that going to do?'
'Don't you see? He can't win. He's programed to win and he can't, at tic=tac=toe or at a Nuclear war.'
'Lets hope it works and fast only seconds are left now.'
On flashed the computer playing endless game of stalemate tic-tac-toe. suddenly sparks flew fromt eh consoles and all screens blanked. There was an eerie silentence, then all flashed on again with the world maps and each launching a ddifferent allied nuclear attack.
One screen kept flashing one thing over and over -
-Winner of attack 1 - none -
-WINNER OF ATTACK 2 - NONE -
-WINNER OF ATTACK 3 - NONE -
-WINNER - NONE -
-WINNER - NONE -
-WINNER - NONE -
- NONE -
- NONE -
Blip! All of the screens shut off after runing 7,000 possible allinaces and nuclear attack plans. Finding out each time there was never a 'winner' in any of them.
-STRANGE GAME DOCTOR. THE ONLY WAY TO WIN, IS NOT TO PLAY. HOW ABOUT A NICE GAME OF CHESS?-
One mistake nearly turned a teaming mass of life into a lifeless husk.
We play with life and death as if it were ours. It isn't. It belongs to far greater, universal and natural forces. If we toy with it much longer we are talking a chance of maintianing the universal balance.
Life and Death, two universal opposites on a scale of constantly shifting masses. We can't survive with out them, or with them.
Life and youth, Age and Death the oppoisites existing on equall and coexisting terms. What do they mean?
Why do we live? Why do we die? Why do most fear death? Is it because they never knew the answer to the first question?
Tis a strange game Doctor, this life and death is very strange - theres no way to win.
I know. People will continue to learn this to the end of time.

8306.14

'Aarrgg! My stomache!' I yelled in angish as I clentched my abdomin. "What has happend to pain it thus!'
'You bit off more than you can chew.' Declared Death Dealer.
'What pain the such to be bitter toward anothers pain!' said I still clucthing my abdomin.
'I've always been insensitive to others pain, especialy that which I inflict!' There was a silence which was thick and seemed to last three times longer than I was. 'Giving life,' Death Dealer began 'Is a little more difficult that I believed.'
My pain now seemed insugnificant and I put it aside as best I could.
'Perhaps' said I, ' I could help. I study life.'
'So you do! Join My Father, Thesus and I today to help make life.' I accepted Death Dealers invitation and met the enthused group later that day. What I saw stuned me. Death Dealer and rest had done more than I expected and I found I knew nothing of this kind of life.
I was giving a great burdon to carry before I realized I could do nothing else, unless guided, like a dawdling child.
I quickly took my leave. Death Dealer and the rest were renewed and happily on there way. I was not needed.

*I was invited to help restore a car that my friends and Marc's Father where working on. I wanted to help. Turns out that I don't (and still don't) have any car skills. I resigned myself to fetching tools, but they kept asking me to try more. I felt very inadequate and eventually left. I think they where glad to have me out of the way - but disappointed that I didn't try harder (or maybe that was me). This was about my sense of being able to do without knowing my limits - and being disappointed in my own 'failure'. I learned a lot that day. Mostly that I don't know anything about cars - and I don't want to.*

8306.15

Time is such a thief and the rope he uses is invisible but strong and binding. Evertime I try to escape I only get a little lose never free.
Days approach fast and many collide. Day of the Father comes fast and many presure me to it, to my dismay. The Dominator is away and wishes me to come to him! Dominator I never came to you, and I don't intend to start.
I, instead, intend to keep a long awaited for and promised date. The Indian in black will finally lift a shroud of mystery about the Peoples army.
Another sorrowful day approaches. The Young Militant aproaches the day he must leave my shpere of existace to be back only for short visits.
In insided ways I weep for thee, Young Militant. The Dominator however ... I would weep for thee but I have no reason, no inner need, and I find you aren't worth to salt in those tears.
Indian in Black, I be glad to join thee on the day of the Father, and for good or ill, lift the shroud of doubt and unknowledge from the Army of People.

8306.16

God Damn Son of a Bitch!
'I'm dieing here!' said Sonny.
'That was my Mother!' said Norman.
'Fuck! This is all I needed!' said Sonny.
'I'm I unbalanced again?' asked Norman.
'I'm a Homosexual.' said Sonny
'I'm a Psycho.' said Norman
'They fucking Shot Sully! Blew a hole threw his head and put the fucking gun to my head! God, I almost had us all out! Damn!' Declared Sonny as he was sent to prison for numberous crimes on his dog day afternoon.
'Mother your doing to me all over again! I love you mother, you can't make me kill the others! You did that! Not me! Oh, but I'll cover for you again mother, just like before.' Recited Norman as he put down the shovel and carried the limp body up the stairs, again.
One had his partner blown away, and was arrested to serve lots of time.
One found and lost and found a mother again, and was pushed off the edge of sanity again.
Two protraials of men who had a piece of themselves they had to deal with. Portrayials of loss and ways to handle loss.
Blood, 'Mother! How could you!'
"Don't move and no one will be hurt!'

My mind boils over will *with* thoughts and contemplations. I can no longer write.

8306.17

A day comes and goes, and again time escapes me so that I cannot work out.
I took a long journey today. On the way back the meditating boy caught the glimps of a man that appealed to the darkside of his nature. Normalacy took over then and I wanted to meet him but knew it impossible.
I keep seeing future visions of me as Mr. Killgrave a teacher of High School and Death Dealer a comercial artist who also takes jobs with the government performing Sanctions. As a blood brother he calls me needing help and a place to hide. I could not refuse and thus we both hid in my house of tricks and traps and deffended ourselves and a student of mine.
I finish my thoughts here because If I finish not soon, it t'will be tomorrow.

8306.18

Something is deffinately wrong. The stabing pain in my chest I bleieve is a warning that my state of consciousness is in an embalance.
Thank god Death Dealer and Thesus are stronger than I, and blinder.
Early this morning I awoke to the sound of Cosmic thunder and watched as the energys filled the skies and heavens. I heard a moan and siezed the staff by my bed.
Visions of ghostly origin filled my head and I fought them with my staff. In vain I threw down the staff and ran out into the torenchal downfall of tears. These tears seemed to cleanse my soul, but they didn't for the factions still existed, the dirt still there.
"Octopussy' the name conjures images does it not, Death Dealer?'
'Yes, it does.' Replied Death Dealer. An urge arose in my mind, a bad image. A figure with a staff quickly beat it back to the recesses of my mind.
'If Thesus is free,' I continued, 'lets find out if the images are correct.'
'Lets!' responded Thesus 'We'll pick you up soon.'
Thesus and Death Dealer arrived slightly later than soon, and Loki in the form of an Ass, inconpicuously taged along.
The phantom images flew across the screen portraying a Cool man with a name of the three didgets equalling one didget in the name. When he fought he killed, yet he saved a million lives.
We all left laughing at the violence and the caulessness of the deaths. We returned to my abode and something ... snapped!
Death Dealer began a sparring match, I siezed my staff and became serious. Death Dealer quickly disarmed me and laughted along with Thesus. I became smug and callous flinging the blood of fruits and dirt of the mother earth.
The battle progressed outside were Thesus and Death Dealer took turns at battle, laughing and jokeing all the way. Then my moves became smarter, more planed, untill Thesus was struck.
I was struck dumb and scared of myself. I suddenly realized what I had done and quickly shoved the staffes we fought with away. They thanked me for the light spar and went on there way.
I went inside and worked out for the first time in three days. Images again flowed through my head, violent images.
'Dealer of Death show thy self now! My patience grows very thin!'
'Hello blood-broth - ...' Death Dealer was cut short as I threw a fist across his face.
'What the Hell!' yelled Death Dealer as I charge forward and pined him to a wall.
'Don't ever try to gut my tiger again!' I yelled in this illogical, improbible dream.
Violence is running rampant through me like a fire out of controll!
I'm losing controll of my dark side, the meditating boy tires to rebel, the student seems to be dieing, and the Dragon in me begins to grow!
No! Its time the factions end! I'm tired of being many persons and not one.
Killgrave Assemble!
The violent fires leap into the dark side of my mind, which imediately grapples with the good side and becomes one. Quickly the tiger leaps in, leading the dragon giving the whole a spirit to live and the knowledge of how. The meditating boy walks into the furnace to give thought and urge. Then a curly headed alien with a frock tried to enter but instead was insinerated.
Now I Damon D'artagnon Killgrave, must enter and give the energy form, personality, character.
'Aarrgghh!!' yelled this massive form as it reeled in pain and again split into factions of the mind.
An army of people, lost in time yelled at an innocent mind as it sat confused.
I require help and time, yet time and I are not on the best of terms. Help may be difficult, for who do I turn to, and why should they help me?

8306.19

A day has come and gone. Many things happened this day, all important yet unimpacting.
I went to the unvailing of the Peoples Army, and have found, like all things, it has its Yins and Yangs. The idea seems good, the Indian in black seems to have gathered good people about him. But one word gives me reservation, I fear the word and he ... misused, the word several times. Wether by lack of vocabulary or on purpose I know not. I will eventually have to decided but that word I fear is still there. This Pitiful word is Omnipotant and dangerous When it is used in an Empty way, in this fasion it will Reverse on its self and destroy all! The same Pitiful word if in an Owls Wise mind will Empower the person with the will and Resorces to do many goods.
The Dominator's day is pasing fast and I thank any Diety of this. He had the gall to try and yank me from home on the date of my birth coming soon. I'll not alow this.
I will be here for the Dealer of Deaths date of birth and for mine soon after.
Soon also comes the day that the Young Militant leaves.

8306.2Ø

And the Dragon growled 'Got-cha'!'
The claws griped my body and I was helplessly draged along.
In the last five days, in my dreams, fantasies, and stories, I have died in one way or another.
I am a spy. I found out a plot to detenate a nuclear bomb. While dismantleing it, the bomb exploded, with me in the center. I was incinerated instantly.
Runing from a group of heavily armed thugs, I was finaly cornered and blown out a window. He pulled a machine gun, I whimpered, he fired, hit seventeen times in a second I fell backward out a window 12 stories up.
Protecting myself from a group of juvenile extortionist I was stabed in the back by the largest. I bled internaly into my collapsing lung, and died.
Out camping with Death Dealer and Thesus, I'm out collecting firewood as they return from there own asorted chores. A meteor flys over my head and crashes into the ground. Death Dealer and Thesus breake out there Malt duck. The metor is a space-ship, the formless pilot shambels out and siezes me. Death Dealer and Thesus begin to wonder where I am. The Alien returns to there camp wearing my form and memories. I'm dead, he's an exact duplecate. No one Knew.

8306.21 transcript

The Dragon walked, I straped in helplessly. I controlled, in a limited way, our direction for awhile, but I was still straped in, helpless to do anything.
I fell asleep after I controlled the Dragon, slightly and only for 3 hours. As I slept, I dreampt and the visions were of home, laughing and playing with Death Dealer and Thesus. I imagined what fun it would be had they come along and what mischife we could cause.
Tomorrow, after I complete this long journey for the sake of Loki, I believe I'll talk to Death Dealer and Thesus, drop by our Yigrizil, Everyplace, and check on the development of Genisis.
I sleep at a hot and musty inn. I enjoy nearly none of this. Yet the senery is great and memories are fond and my life line.
Its late, and need to start sleep now, for it won't come until way later in the night, and I must needs get up early in the morn to completel my journey of night and day.

8306.22

My mind is muddled, I have little time at all to myself. I am constantly alone, yet there is always something left behind I must take care of. All ways something to do, yet not what I want to do.
The Dragon released me. I took my own enititve and walked. I walked on and on and through the hot smeltering desert of asphalt and the smoke belching, petrol guzzeling beast. I persivered and went on to finaly reach the abode of the Death Dealer. We spoke, and laughed a little. I had to quickly take my leave after the panther of pink died.
I walked back across that very same desert, though it had cooled some. Visions of the belching, guzzling beast flashed though my mind, bad visions of an attack on my person with no remorse.
I finally reached my own empty home only to be attacked without remorse by the Donimators voice. He pushes for controll over the date of my birth, I give as little ground as possible for I entend to give that day to friends. I wish to share that day with Death Dealer, Thesus, the Artist, and the Calm Struggling Alien.
This black Tiger will do just That! DDK

8306.23

'Death Dealer, it dies. Why?'
'Its the natural order of things. Birth, life, death, Genisis.' was the prophetic reply of Death Dealer.
'Genisis? You mean it will live again?' I asked of his statement.
'No. It will give life to a new order. It dies so another may live.'
'I understand. You are so wise, intellegent and knowledgable. Your day of birth aproaches and you are still two years short of being considered a man. You should be one now, yet the Dragon only recognizes age not wisdom.'
"I thank you for the complement Sensi.' was the reply.
'Again you call me teacher. Why?'
'Because you have taught me a lot.'
'You must be joking! If I knew half of what you do I could be a man. I doubt if in a year, when the Dragon conciders me a man, if I will be a man. I couldn't have taught you much, lest of all enough for you to call me a teacher.' Death Dealer remained silent, I remained silent out of lack of knowledge.
We walk in silence for a short period then Death Dealer broke the silence with a slice of his blade and question.
'What do you want for you Birthday?'
'What do you want for yours?' I replied
'Uh-uh! I asked you first.' we laughed.

© March 1998 (copyright implied by date of entry, date covers web publication)