Book 1 1982 October 1 to 1983 June 8

8305.28 considered

It is actually morn, yet still the day before. I have not sleeped, so it is still the day of Saturn and not the day of the Sun.
'Curious' thought I a new, whole, man ariving to reality. Curious it was, for his return to reality was not only symbolized by a warm hug, but the burning red flash of fear.
Death Dealer sat, performing gracefully movements to the light of a candle. The Artist and Thesus were near.
'I want to go back.' I said to the Death Dealer. 'Teach me please.' With one graceful straight movement the light was gone, and he taught. I was unsuccessful in going, however.
Then came the crash of glass and the crack of wood. I stood and homed in on the sound as did the other three. The screech of tires roared out as I and the artist saw a white van leave.
The door to the Artist house was forced open, when any of kind hart could have come in.
Then the law came, bringing the smoke of ignorance with them. I help stomp on some of that ignorance but none can yet figure the intent of a van painted inocent.

*While at Sharon's (the Artist's) house one night, we where practicing some meditation techniques and trying to Astral project (something I still try to do to this day - still unsuccessful). Four VERY relaxed individuals jumped out of there skins when a van ran into the garage door of the house. Sharon and I went to the window and saw a white van leave while Marc and Brian head to the garage (source of the noise) and noticed the damage. We called the police. As I looked at the pieces of the door laying in the drive and the street I noticed that a piece of the door was not accounted for (about a 2x2 inch piece). I pointed this out to the officer and he blew me off. It ticked me off - I pointed out that it was probably still in the vans bumper (missing piece was at about that height). The officers where more interested in if we knew who it was - someone out for revenge or something.
Evidently the Officers didn't write me off completely, because a day or two later Sharon told us they caught the guys in the van. They were pulled over for speeding. The officer was writing down the broken head light when he noticed the chunk of the garage door in the bumper. Turns out they admit to being drunk and trying to turn around in the driveway (they just didn't stop before hitting the door). They where charged with Hit and Run (but oddly enough not DUI). Never heard anything else about it. *

8305.29 considered

Can a fictitous seagull leave you hints in a world thats real. Or is it that my mind is so washed that a seagull sends me hints from the real world to me in a fictitious one?
I entered this world in love, met fear, and combined them to get results. I learned to love and set aside fear with John. But John, you never taught me what to do when I feel niether love nor fear. What of confusion and bordom. Confusion the state of feeling both simotaniously and intermixed. Bodom, the state of feeling ... nothing.
Thoughts like these trouble me. Yet without them, would I be happy.
I begin to wonder. As I wonder I find something new to ponder, and I wonder. But as I ponder and wonder my mind wanders and in pops a new wonder to ponder.
My body dies, my mind slows. I need to sleep and replenish. Let my mind wander, ponder and wonder there in the bliss of darkness and dreams.

8305.3Ø

Let us scream our silent rage. Let the adrinilen flow. We will become exilerated and indistructable. Skulls will be crushed under my ...
'No!' shouted two vioces simutanously. One young, powerful comanding and calm. The other gruff, old, and stern.
'Teachers?'
'Have you so soon forgot all we taught you?' said the voice of the old white haired gentelman.
'No, But I knew if I thought long enough, wrong enough, you'd come to me.'
'Why would you need us so soon?' siad Johnathan.
'Confusion and bordom, both and niether in the two emotion theory! How do you deal with with these?'
'Think!' said the gentelman sternly.
'What do you feel now?' said Jon.
'I feel love and fear both. Love of knowledge, fear of ignorance. I'm confused. What do I do with this emotion?'
'Confusion,' said the gentelman sternly, 'Is ruled by fear. Treat it as such, and love shows through to take over.'
'Bordom,' siad Johnathan, 'Is a fear of nothing. Treat it as love. Meditate or learn something new in the time. Keep pondering student, but next time figure also.'
'It'll give you somthing to do when bored, eh?' said the old man.

Strange links is a friendships made upon. Not like a chain, pyramid, or block.
Example; four friends, however, One is closer to two, than two three or four. Two is close to all but closer to four. Three is closest too two, next to four. Four is close to all but closest to two. Yet each of the four has other random numbers to associate with.
A chain like this would quickly shatter, a pyramid would fall, and a block would drive a mathmatisian mad. Yet is works, very well.

8305.31

Come, little cat. Come, sit in my lap. Curl up and sleep while I write down thoughts of a day.
I awoke, dressed myself and ran. I was suprised at the solitude of my run. When I stoped, I doused myself in fire water and ate.
Later I went for a walk. On this walk I met a small, blind, curly-head boy ... meditating in the middle of the street. I sat infront of him to observe. What I saw next was strange.
His eyes suddenly snaped open, and my eyes were drawn ever deeper into his crystal blue ponds of the soul. There in the calm I viewed turmoil. Then the eyes slamed shut, I snaped back into my reality only to view a moving tatoo of a dragon on his chest. The Dragon thrashed about wildly on his chest belching smoke and fire, threatening to consume the very boy he was in. The boy's face showed pain as he tried to contain the raging beast.
Suddenly infront of my very eyes the small boy burst into flames and two etheral forms rose from the body fighting madly. As each despersed, I looked down to find a pool of grey sludge.
I ran from this grisly secene to sit now, writing with a cat in my lap. Even as I write I can't quite shake the feeling that, that boy was ... me.

8306.01

The room was dim, I was calm and somewhat tense. I sat down into a half-lotus and began to meditate. Suddenly, without my controll, my body buzed and tingled and became like energy. My eyes were red, then orange, then yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. Then the violet incircled me, then I cast myself out.
I had shed my mortal form. 'Is this death?' I thought ' I rather like it.'
'No.' said Jonathan 'It's not death.'
'Hi teacher!' I said with glee as Johnny's lith form glided in next to mine.
'Student disipline thy self.'
'No! Not when I enjoy freedom like this.'
'Your right.' said the golden bird. 'I taught you to be fee. I shouldn't restrict you. But I also taught you to think. So think 'D'.' there was a pause. 'What comes to mind?' asked Jonatham.
'Damon D'artagnon! Dream! Death Dealer! Day! Dive!' I said as I swooped downward in laughter.
Jonathan was quickly at my side 'Always an optomist. Can you think pesimisticly?' he asked.
'I can, question is, do I want to?'
'You do Damn it!' replied Jon sternly.
I stoped my mad flight through spaceless infinity. Jon perched on my sholder, his eyes glistening with concern.
'Jonathan? What's wrong?'
'I've been trying to give you a warning.'
'Warning about what?' I asked.
'About 'D'. That's all I can say. Good bye and good luck.'
Then Jonathan vanished in a flick of light.
I knew what he was after, Dominator, Divorse, and Death. But he was wrong. Jonathan thought I was unprepared, and unknowing.
Jon, I knew. I watched and observed. It was time. Can't say its unfair, can't say I'm unhappy, can't say it's unwanted.
Jonathan think of it this way. They were a plant seed. It grew and grew. As it grew, like all plants do it sprout branches. Those branches are my parents. Alive, giveing, thankful, and simply growing apart. No one has been cut, severed or now dieing. Each is alive but growing differently.
If you wish Jon, you can hope a gardener comes along and ties them together again. But remember they will always be separte and may grow sick and weak together.
All I hope, is I won't have to face the Dominator. For if I do I fear it will become a confrontation between us.
I opened my eyes, in my room.
I was calm and relaxed a cat in my lap, a regulator ticking on. I now turn to bed, knowing tomorrow will be the same as before.
Let all sleep peacefully, eh Jonny?

8306.02

'God Damn Son-of-a-Bitch!' I yelled in the face of my new challenge as two cars crashed head on outside. The calm struggeling Alien only looked on with relentlessly deep eyes.
'I only ... ' he began, but was rudely cut off as I snaped back in an angry voice,
'Shut-up you Bastard!'
'Damon!' rang a stern familar voice, 'Keep a civil tounge in your mouth! And for all you believe in, think!'
'What do you mean by that teacher?' I asked Jonathan hotly.
'Remember your own saying? 'Be sure brain is engaged before putting mouth in gear." Jonathan sounded so sure of himself I wanted to hit him, but I knew he was correct. I shamefully answered back with a 'yes teacher' and a small apoligy.
The Calm stuggeling Alien remained silent and Jonathan quickly went about his work.
'Analize.' he said sternly.
'What?'
'Analize. What do you feel?'
'Anger.' I replied quickly and bittingly.
'Why?' Jon snaped back.
'He's joined a total institution, of which the entire Idea I'm against!'
'Why?' Jon persisted.
'Total institutitions strip away ones individuality and controll of ones life. I don't like that idea, it should not be done!'
'Why do you disagree?'
'Because my formulated beliefes and ethics say it shouldn't be done.'
'Are your ethics the only ones?'
'No, each has his own.'
'What do your ethics say about treatment of anothers?'
'Each set should be respected and be viewed as a part of that person's uniqueness.'
'Are you saying, everyone has freedom of choise?'
'Damn you.' I whispered.
'Are you!' Jon demanded.
'Yes!' I said back.
'Hmmm.' said Jonathan smugly. 'He has freedom of idividual thought and choise. Yet, he can't do what you feel is wrong. That if you ask me, is one sided.'
'Where do you stand on the subject teacher?' I asked
'As always, I am wise, and nutral.'
Thus Jonathan faded away leaving me to face the calm struggling Alien.
'Why did you chose that? May I ask that much?'
'I thought, 'What the Hell, Why not?'. and the pays good.' he replied, trying to sound 'logical'.
'What the hell?' 'the pays good!' You would give up yourself, just for the hell of it and because the pay's good! Damn!' I said not knowing what else to do.
'Hey! Don't 'invade my space'. It was my desicion. Besides maybe I'll come out better for it.'
'And what if you don't.' I asked.
'I'll go back to the way I was.'
'They're experts in Intensified resocialization. Once resocialized, always so. Its not that simpel.'
'I know. My choise, my life. Let me live, please.'
'You know I can't do anything. Listen I respect your disision, but I don't agree. It's the most I can do. I know you've done more for me, but you shouldn't have.
'Try not to let them change you to much. Live happy.'
With that he smiled and shook my hand. Then he turned and left
þ Manchester England, England
. Across the atlantic sea.
. And he's a genius, genius,
. . he believes in God, and he
. that God, believes in 'Clod',
That's him, Thats him, thats Me! þ *< is the best I can do for a musical note*

And I know, that many in my time will follow, no matter what I do.
Those I know will go, Those I love will go, Others will go.
But I will not!

*David told me he joined the Army*

8306.03 considered

To night, in a fiction of reality, I disbelieved in a thorn bridge, an was able to pass over on a bridge of bricks. Oh, but if only all my problems could be solved as such. For instance, the Idiot.
The music was good, the words spoke were not, the ideas were good, the controll, viablility, and backing philosophy, were not.
If I were to cartoon the Idiot, he would have a large, rotund, and uselss body. His face and head would be the most, interesting. The cranium would be large yet formless and jelly-like. However the forehead would be small as would his blind eyes, and pug nose.
*A drawing of the head I describe* His mouth would be very large and constantly open. He would have no ears, because he never listens.
Thesus! Artist come quickly!
As Kamec, Thesus dies quickly! We must save him. Death Dealer, DD - DM be mericiful and let him live.
'Knight takes pawn again.'
'Shrewd, but I can do without. Bishop moves to your corner.'
'Pity. Rook takes bishop. You should use more pawns.'
'No thanks I don't use pawns.'
'Too bad. Two more moves and its Check-mate.'
'Shrewd, Life. You never stop do you?'

8306.04

Its a lazy day out, the heat rises as does the humidity.
The Dominator came and left taking Loki with him. I know not when to return. Dominator took many things with him, only Loki will return.
The meditationg boy dared to dream this day. He quickly caught and analized this dream. He found it not terrible, but knew the Dragon would reject and incinerate such a dream. So he banished the dream to the back of his mind, and continued his meditations. 17 years has not even yet passed, then 3 more must pass.

A boy sat, thinking of his tangled life, belifes, and thoughts. When fell into his possesion, a saber. No ordinary at all, but a saber of light. And this saber of light had a word on it ... truth.
And the boy thought, what a wepon and aid to justice. It could help many people. Thus I shall wield this weapon for all the good I can,
And has the boy thought on, he found the saber didn't work, and he realized why.
Can someone wield the truth for good, when dosen't know the truth?

8306.05

He wore black robes and a hood to shadow his face. He carried a sorwd stained with blood witch only enhanced the thickness of his pall.
'Do you know who I am?' rang the deep voice which chilled my bones, simply by the echoing tones.
'I do.' I simply replied.
'You do not fear me? Not in the least?' the deep tones queried.
'I do not, not in the least. Why should I?' I replied and questioned back.
'You should not, for it is not your time. But when your time ... '
'I'll not fear you then either. I shall never fear you.'
'Never?' claped the ominous voice.
'Not unless my thinking changes radicly in the next few decades.'
'Good. Then perhaps we'll get along.' The dark robed figure then turned and began to fade into the shadows.
'Good bye friend.' said I, and began about my work again.
Death scared me in the past, but now I realize he is a friend. When I need to rest these bones badly, he will help me rest. I'll not die, untill I need to.

8306.06

I wore brown today, the color of earth and stone. I walked out onto the earth and into a forest. There was on-one in the forest, yet all were represented.
There were big, domenering trees, weak submissive trees, some were firmly rooted to the ground, and others weren't. There were old trees, young trees, dead trees, and baby seeds. Some trees were rotten, others strong, some were sick and eaten away, others were strong and vital.
Vines of lies covered some, others were free of such a plauge. Many trees grew in clumps (usally the same kind of trees) yet they never touched each other while another stood alone in a clearing, thriving in the sun with a firm root (Clumps usally rot and die).
I then went with the young milatant to our mother's mother's house. We got down on our hands an knees, we met mother nature and she burped on us. We cleaned out vines, cut tall grass, trimed the bushes, swept out the garbage and shiped it away. We got dirty, we were stung a few times, but we lived and felt better for it.

Computers are natural, espesially if we make them realize, and alow them to trace there steps backward to the nature they came from. . . . . DDK *skull*

8306.07

'Where am I?' asked Jon Doe.
= You - are - in - the - future. = declared a metalic halting voice from no where.
'Who are you?' asked Jon in his state of utter confusion and displacement.
= I - am - .... Master = stated the voice hesitantly.
'What?' Jon asked. His confused mind did flips. Was he in Russia or some other Totalitarian government?
'Don't question the Master here!' sounded a feeble and frantic voice.
'How did I get here?' queried Jon
= Kids - and - there - space - age - games. =
'Excuse me?' Jon replied to the seemingly out of place answer.
'Don't question him!' yelled a feeble old man running out of the shadows. Boney old fingers griped Jon by the arm, with suprising strength, and pulled him back into the shadows of the musty and dark room.
'Who ...?' blurped Jon.
'I'm no one now. Thanks to him, I'm a nonperson!'
'A what?' strained Jon, his poor mind about to snap.
'A nonperson.' stated the old man. 'He erased me! I don't exist!'
The old man seemed sure of himself, and trying to relay a deeper message.
'What are you saying?' asked Jon.
'Where are you from not knowing these simple things?' questioned back the old man.
'I ... I'm from ... the past. Or so he says.' Jon said, not really sure of anything.
'Then its true! Everything he says is true! And you! You're in reall trouble!' exclaimed the real excited old man.
'Why am I in trouble? asked Jon in concern.
'Because he controlls the past! Thats how I became a nonperson!'
'Don't be silly!' said Jon 'No one can just be erased. ... Can they?'
'You still don't understand?' asked the old man. Jon stared on blankly.
'He is a computer. Everything is stored in him. He knew everyting I did when I existed, and when I did something wrong, Click! He erased my whole past, rewrote the others envoled and , Vola'! I don't exist, never did.' The old man was calm now and quite somber.
'The computer just ... took over?' asked Jon
'Yes .,. No! I think it did.' the old man paused, "He says he's always been in controll, but he controlls the past. Only he knows for real.'
Jon thought a minute and asest everyting as best he could. Then an idea hatched and grew to ... blossom.
'I'm getting out of here!' exclaimed Jon as he got up and headed for the door.
'No! Don't! He controls the past, thus he holds the present and guides the future!' shouted the man. Jon stoped and said - 'What?' The man went on
'Don't you see? You are the past. He controlls you and your present and future.' The mans voice was nearly pleading, and his idea got across. That's why Jon paniced.
'Bull!' Jon yelled. He reached out and seized the door savagely and was instantly disintegrated.
Jon floated in a black obis toward a spectral light. The light apealed to Jon as pleasing and nearly heavenly. Jon then realized he must be dead, and that light was either god or the door to heaven. Either way it becond him, and he had to join it.
Then it spoke.
-Welcome Jon. We've expected you. You have shifted you state of consciousness to this place of existance. Our name is A.DA.M.. After Death Admisistrative Master. Join us and become one. - Jon halted.
'Become one? Lose myself in there?'
-Fear not, Jon. You become one, not lost. Come to us, Jon.-
The light beconded and Jon entered. He would have screamed except he couldn't. He was torn about and stored in this oneness like a chip. Jon escaped one totalitarian sameness only to join one that has grown since the begining of time. He was one chip in the biggest computer ever.

8306.08

Transitions take place now. Transitions of used to be's to nows, from restricted to free, from together to divorsed, from tension to relaxed, from seditive to posibly active, from old to new, from book to book.
Some of these transitions are constant, some have happend, some are happening, and some are going to happen.
A job possibly comes this way. The divorse is on going. I'm changing books.
I hope to talk to and see Death Dealer agian soon. Aside from the fact he's a friend, I don't know why. Could it have something to do with the feeling I'm not as effected by this Divorse as I feel I should? No, he doesn't even know it's happening (and it seems either do I. Dominators gone, that's the only difference, and a 'pleasurable' one at that). I want to Death Dealer because he's a friend and I have nothing to do for a while, I haven't seen him in four days either.

This is a ending. A confused mass of unorganized thoughts and ideas. Not all ending are thus, but this one is.
Its been a long time, I've grown alot and intend to grow more.
. . . Damon D'artagnon Killgrave *skull*

©1997 December (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)