Book 1 1982 October 1 to 1983 June 8

8303.16

The eye, the orb, the blue, green, brown, black, white and red shpere of nerves and tissues that grant sight.
Those marvelous windows to the soul are expresive, mysterious and peircing. Or they can be peirced.
Guted, impaled, run-threw, peirced.
I'm blind, pity me not I get along fine and there was no acciedent. In a moment of blind fury, I took out my own eyes for I could not stand to see myself. No others could stand to see me, talk to me, look at me, so I took my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at me.
'Sir, --- pardon me, but your more blind that you believe. It's not you they wanted to evade, its your lable. You still have to put up with you, and what you are. What you did is a mistake. I to am sightless, but I'm not blind, not as blind as you.'

I am sightless and blind, wandering in unknown forest. I recognize a tree here and there but I don't know the forest.
Then comes a sound that chills my bones and tells me where I am. The yell of a white beast crying "Wing-go!"
I strike back viciously recalling training and knowing I trained yet feeling helpless and blind.
I wish for only four things;

1. For the Teacher of life to have his wife give him child and let him be happy.
2. For the Teacher of Society to regain any sight lost and to recover and feel well.
3. To gather the strength I need to face the Dragon
4. And the ability to face and pass the test of the white beast and the judge.

Who are you?
I don't know. I'm still looking. I can give you a vauge idea.

8303.17 St. Patricks Day

Death Dealer returned, and the White Beast mauled me again.
The day went as such.
"Dealer of Death your back early! Good ta' see ye' on the day of Patrick. Tell me how went your adventures and travels?"
"Well my friend and I'm glad to be back. But let us laugh now and worry of travels later!" And we did just such for we laughted and enjoyed each others company as before.
But then rang a peircing bell and we were thrown about to different worlds.
I was walking through a forest of sparce trees when sudenly a band of merry men attacked me but I dispatched them quicly with my staff.
I walk futher to a small town were all the poeple were freindly, joyful, and opened aarmed. This joyful town took me in and listened to my stories, and I listened to there's.
I then found there best tavern and ate hardily with many that soon became my friends. Soon in came a Runner and he guseled down a tankard of ale and yelled something about "to arms".
We all ran out to battle and I soon met the runner again. He and other great warriors told me the path I must take to confront the white beast that yells "Wing-go!"
I then left on a single journey to find, confront and beat the beast. This journey lead me to the midst of a wandering class lead by a substituting blind women. Yet within this group I learned to study and confront.
Then the class departed as as the Indian in Black herald the coming of the White Beast.
Then like a bolt of lightening the white beast leapt from a tree and siezed my letting the claws of truth dig deep into my skull. "Wing-go!" echoed the thunder of the prevous lightning. My mind burned as his claws raked through my mind, then all was black!
When I awoke Death Dealer was over me with the mirrorr.
"Wake my friend, you had a bad spill but I have gifts from my conquest."
He then proceded to give me the gift of fire and the tooth of the most feirce warrior of the sea, a shark.
He gave the Mirrorr a wench to use at his pleasure.
We three merry men then set out to more conquest. We raided a weapons shop and the Death Dealer and Mirrorr made out with daggers of the mind. Then came the conquest of humor, sex and the joke of gimmicks. We found the Fountain of youth and joys that go with it.
Then we departed till the next day and I sit writing.

8303.18

I find it dificult to write tonight. Once I start I may never stop.
Men go to war and come back with pieces of themselves missing and/or mutalted. They come back blind, cripled, deaf, insane or wayed down by a heavy conscious.
In a way I must go to war, I intend to come back whole, but then so did all the rest.
Today I tried to confront myself through others in the worst way, but I failed to go threw with any thought. My body went weak my knees shook my stomach churned.
My mind yelled, tell them, ask them, do something! The other half yelled No! don't open yourself to pain.
On a totally different level the level of friends and family, my naggs me 'tell them, thell them, they deserve to know, tell them or tell someone!'
Pain is part of growing. You can't grow without pain, you can't have pain without growing.
Tell some one
'How?'
Tell some one
'When?'
Tell some one
'Why? can't I wait?'
Tell some one
'I can't. I just can't.'
Tell some one
'I ... I ... '
Tell some one
'But ... '
Tell some one
'Tell some one?'
Tell some one
'Tell them What?'
Tell some one

8303.19

Dweezil, Thor, Logan, Gar, Nicedemus, Conan, Khan, Thad, Chad, Chris.
Names, all names. Names I love, Names I admire. If I think more I could add more, but why?
What's a name? 'A Rose by anyother name will smell just as sweet'
A name is the only lable I aprove of. But only one name. Only one lable and if that lable wishes to be changed, with minimal effort, it should be allowed to change.

Words bubble up to my mouth, I feel ready to say what Should be said. Yet, I force them down only because the Dominator's here I don't want him to hear just yet.
Thus my sword is drawn, and I stand ready for battle, that I don't wan't to win, or lose. I wait only for condition to change a little, for one non-wanted element to leave, which he soon shall.
I'm off now to exersice my body and let my mind relax, then to meditate.
May the Teacher of lifes bady come soon, he waits also. *dyslexia - I mean baby*

*I've mentioned before that The Dominator, my Father, and I where not close early on. At this point the relationship between my Parents was strained - he was working in Kansas City and had an apartment there, he came home for the weekends. I obviously wanted to tell my 'family' when my father wasn't around. Fear was big component of this. At this time my father held Archie Bunker up as a hero and made it known he wasn't happy with my long hair (and strange dress). Imagine what I thought he would say if he knew I was gay. I did have a fear of being thrown out of the house with now where to go. Let's try to remember I'm only 16 now. I can drive and not much else.*

8303.2Ø

Hooowwll! Grrrrr!
Of all the 'horrible' 'hideous' 'terrible' 'insedious' 'terrorizing' "Beasts" I could have been! I feel blessed.
Should Lycanthrophy set in on me as a curse, I would feel terrible. For everytime the moon is full, I would change, and stalk down my prey, and rip them limb from limb and eat the entrolls of these innocent beings! Oh the terror of that! I would doubtless try to kill myself for that I could never forgive.
Should Vamprism set in on me as curse. Doubtless I would search out Van Helsing where every he be to delever me my death, and save the others, the innocents, from such a fate.
To be Gay seems so light. I hurt no one physiclly, and if the person is well agusted it hurts them not at all. I'm still a person, I underwent no change, no outside force brought it about.
I read of a man who didn't realize he was what he was until he was 18 years of age. I feel lucky to have known since I was 14. But I feel sorry that I have told no one even yet, but I'm on the verge. Soon I will.

8303.21

"Soon!" he yelled "Soon I will take my stand against thee!" then the young man drew his sword and yelled "And what ever your reaction will be ... " and mighty arms shoved the sword deep into the ground "I will be ready." he replied under his breath. And the Dragon only gave a snort and went back to sleep.
"Ma, I have some thing to tell you." "Oh, What honey?"
"Death Dealer, I have something to tell you." "What?"
"Mirrorr you should know to." "What?"
"Calm struggeling alien, there's something you should know."
"My friends there something I should tell you."
Riots! Hell! Choas! Kindness?!
Yes, Kindness. I believe I will prevail over all in one way or another. Either I'll find out they never loved me, or they still do.
"Talk to me! If you have any questions, I'll try to answer them. Any statements or comments, I'll listen, and reply if one is needed. Talk to me let me understand your side, then listen and understand mine. Just don't sluf me off and disown me. Talk to me.

8303.22 suplementary
I scared as hell of what I going to say today. Soon my mother will be home, And I've decided that today I will tell her what I am.
God, I feel as if its a low down thing that I'm going to do. I love my mother more that anything . . . . .

=========_ I had more to say,
night-/ I was interupted by my mother.
I told her I had something to say, she asked what, and my Damned three - letter lable came forth. It sounded funny coming out of my mouth, I fell as if I was playing a part in a play and I was about to blow my line.

So came forth the brave boy, defensless and cocky. He stands infront of the Dragon and says
"I am! What do you think of that?!"
He stood quivering and frightened his stomach tied in knots.
The Dragon only yawned, bleched some smoke then raised a claw to the boys small head and then forced it to the ground. The boy lay unconscious and the Dragon said,
"Think again boy, you may be wrong."

My mother, was she trying to deny it and repress it me?
Maybe but I trust her to much to think she would lie to me. She did make sence though.
It may only be a lengthend stage of every person. Perhaps I will grow out of it eventually.
And thus the boy will stay unconscious and meditating until the coming of his seventeenth year and three more. Then the boy will awake, under no chains, in no field, only at the face of a Dragon were he will then say 'Yeah' or 'Nay'.
This is a long time to wait and ponder I agree, but such a descion is best descieded over a great period of time. It can wait, and there are other me's to discover!
Perhaps I'll find other things about me I didn't know, and grow some more while the boy ponders his cosmic self.

To a better and more certain happiness, or sorrow.

*I said it once. I said it someone I trusted very much to help me do the right thing. She told me I wasn't ready to have made that decision. She told me that if I closed myself off with this decision that I could miss the one person that could make me happy the rest of my life. She mentioned that she had feelings for women until college (and I doubt that she meant the same kind) and it wasn't until she met my father that she knew otherwise. I had read psychology books. I knew all children went through a 'homosexual phase' (boys would rather play with other boys - girls have cooties ect. and vise versa) and that in some it might last longer then others.
I think it was more a case of her denial enforcing mine.
Now it was a business deal. I had a set time frame and some new priorities.
If you are a parent reading this - think about what your children might say to you if you said "You can't date anyone or consider sex until you are 21. Instead, I want you to discover who you are first and be certain about it." Do you think this would be right? Do you think your kids would follow through? Do you think they would tell you if they weren't? Wouldn't you rather know what they are thinking and doing by talking to them instead?*

8303.23

Yin, the negitive, Yang, the positive. It exist in everyting. A constant opposition to itself. Inner, outer. Life, death. Man, Woman. Yes, no. Song, silence. Friendship and lonelyness.
This list cam be infinitit or finiht.*ugh, infinite or finite*
the Good and Bad, positive and negitive, I believ were not meant to fight, oppose or dominate. Only balance or statemate each other.
The negitive will always exist, as the good will always exist. As it should be.

8303.24

Fight for right. Do what you believe is right. Be who you are.
I am a warrior of the head and mind. I fight to exist in a plane of reality not my own. My mind flys on highes of life and imagenation.
I am a dreamer who uses logic only when it suits me.
Help others if they want help.
If Johny can't read, try to make him understand.
Realize yourself and self potential. Live life to its fullest. It's a constant, tiering, but beatiful struggle. It takes blood, sweat, and tears but you won't regret sheding one drop.

8303.25

Be cool or cast out
. . Subdivisions
Be creul or cast out
. . Subdivisions
Be Kind or cast out
. . Subdivisions
Be careful or cast out
. . Subdivisions
Life is creul, you ga'ta' be cool
. . Subdivisions
But when you cool ya' ga'ta be Kind
. . Subdivisions
When ya Kind you ga'ta' be careful.
. . Subdivisions
Groups divided, Groups Subdivided
Groups Subdivided, and divided again
Divided we stand, together
. . We conquere
All are individuals, divided and subdivided
Society belongs to the Individuals that make it,
Be cool or cast out
Socialize or sink
Divide or die

8303.26

Run little wolf boy, Run.
The storm relfects your mood.
You were raised in wild
Then brought to city
Run little wolf boy Run.
The city cofused you boy
You couldnot conform
You stood naked and revealed to hundreds
Run little wolf boy, Run.
The Storm reflects your mood.
Flashes of light then darkness
Silence of night then Thunder
The rain pelts you flesh
Just as the ideas and sounds of a city.
Run little wolf boy, Run
Let your naked body carry you.
Run to the security of Mother Nature
Be safe in her womb of familarity
You belong with wolves not man
Man belongs with in the steel woods
You belong in forest wolf boy.
Run little wolf boy, Run
Run be free, be safe, be you.
Man is mechanized, socialized, De-sencitized
You are free, uninhibited and naked
The wild calls you wolf boy
Heed not the call of man
Run to the wild ways boy
Run little wolf boy, Run.
The storm subsides boy,
So does the emotion behind it
Your safe now, in the wild
Free, uninhibited and
. . . Naked.

. . . DDK

8303.27

Piece by piece,
clue by clue
it all comes together
the puzzle pieces fit
the picture focuses
The mystery is solved

Laugh, laugh, laugh
Life is so short
Laugh be open, be Frank
Say what is meant and enjoy.

I'm off to my normal routine, flex the musels, stimulate the mind and Fantisize of being a hero.
I'll pick up a suporting character along the way to help me or save me. The Indian in black, Death Dealer, Mirrorr, the Empath, Ivan ho, the awaiting traveler, Calm Stuggling alien, or even the Young Militant.
Then there are also those imagined, outcasts or adventures.
Head band, mop of hair, dark glasses, (a golden ear-ring, a colonial pony-tail).
Wearing a fluffy white shirt, a vest, tight yet comfortable black pants and indian boots or A black colonial tuxedo with maybe tails and a red shirt with black cape, with red interior and skull headed walking cain.

8303.28

The day was over-welmingly joyful and glee.
The weather is finally shapeing up to that of spring. The birds sing, the sun shines, the atmosphere become lighter and happier. I was in a joyful and happy mood.
Then to school I went. The people in moods similer to mine only ampliefied mine.
Then came the news, on this new joyful and beautiful day we recieved the news of the Teacher. The Teacher of life finally had his day, his wife giving birth to a beautiful daughter of the name Ashely. His joys and toils will only just begin.
Then in the White haired gentelmans class, the Indian in black turned to me and asked if I would atend his lecture with and of the Peoples Army. 8304.02:01:ØØ starts the lecture and I intend to be there if only to back the Indian in black and rid my mind of the phantom myth and fact of the Peoples Army.
My boy still meditates and I study the dragon in class of school. Perhaps one day I will truely know who and what I am. Maybe.

8303.29

The Devils own purist temtation. Wether it be a white powder, green weed, raindow colored pills, brown fire weed or a clear liquid, its all the same. I hate it all and wish never to even try it for fear of further temptation.
It breaks you mentally then physiclly, makes you dependant. If your lucky you can drop it, but you pay a terrible price of withdrawl. Then you must concentrate your will to stay off. This is difficult, one word may never be so difficult to say again, No, can be very difficult.
'Click' the short-nose fat-barreled pistol leveled off.
"You scum. You transform people to the Un-dead. You peadel death, worst than death. You deserve worst than death. You should have to suffer like the rest of you're victims."
"No. please spare me." pleaded the fat man in white.
"Why?" Powfcka cried the pistol as fire flew forth into the fat mans belly and burned giving off light. Then the poor boy turned Avenger lowered the flare-gun and watched as the fat-man burned.

*I had no idea it started this early - the vision I mean. I always had a very strong anti-drug stand.*

8303.3Ø

The fat man burned. Could I do that? A cosmic question.
The simple joys of ... childhood. The miricles of birth, babies and youth.
Out in the woods and brisk air we ran. We trotted along speaking and talking, joging and walking, and simply laughing and enjoying life.
We stoped late at night and set up camp. We light a fire and buy its light we practiced the arts of death and concealment.
Then we each sat opposite each other with the fire between us, meditating. Soon we both rose above the ground with the fire pitching about madly as we prepared to become one, blood-brothers.
The heated knife rose from the fire and glowed with a life all its own. Each put a small cut on his left hand palm, and blood eased out. Over the fire two hands were bond together and held by love and freindship.
Each others blood coursed threw each others system leting them be blood-brothers. Brothers of blood as well as of spirit.
Each then released the other and surrendered to sleep, only to wake the next morning alive and invigerated to carry on life as brothers in spirit. The same as before.

8303.31

The conversation on cosmic scales with Death dealer. It was magnificent to talk of time, infinity, morrors, Nature, god, atoms, everything.
The night wears on and we ready our selves for the challenges of physical perfection and then sleep. All matters, nothing will stop the progress we wish upon ourselves.
The storm rages on and goads us into pushing harder and harder. Now Death dealer growls like an animal.
The comedy increase and soon I must work out. The exertion and adrinalen will be good. The storm is now the music, the thunder our time, the lightening our light.
The cold air exsillerates me and I live for the now, tomorrow I may despise, but I live for now.

Ravage tempest, Ravage
let the storm rage
The body pumps energy
The emergy flows and
Rages like a tempest.

DDK

8304.01

A new Month
Tonight I watched Conan, as a barbarian. I had just left visiting the Young Militaint, who is mad at the world and takes out his agressions in love. He hammer-locked me, pined me brutally, vice-griped me, and tired to gouge out my eyes. All this, in some odd way, said he loved me.
Conan was different. He killed, beat, raped all in the name of violence and revenge. He experienced love for only one, and wouldn't even cry for her death, which his lust for revenge brought about.
Death Dealer, with whom I staied a night, is different all together. He justly deals death to the deserving, and none else. He teaches others the art, while learning at the same time. His violence is controlled, directed, and just. His love is outward and shown more threw actions than straight out displays or words.
After the Young Militant and durning Conan, I found an idea in my mind for Badgers, Wolvrines, and Wombats. Vicious creatures of tooth and claw represented in humans as a mersinary team. A team of Conans with animal instincts.
Damn unjust killing machines. Perhaps the Peoples Army isn't. But perhaps it is. The shroud of doubt will be lifted tomorrow after Zenith of our life giving sun.
Tomorrow shows its promises, I look forward to it.

8304.02

In a way, betrayal. In others, not. The Indian in black and his peoples army were not in the park, yet Death Dealer, the Calm Struggling Alien and I had fun, waiting, leaving and making a day of the rest.

Then came the Days of Over-kill. The governments of the world were fighting an un-declared war of espenoge *espionage*. World War III, fought with secrete agents and sanctions. The U.S. then puts science to the test and creates operation Overkill. Modeling there top agents after the most dangerous carnivorous animals on earth. Thus were born such agents as Wolverine, Badger, Wombat, Shark, Baracuda, Parona, Hawk, Egale, Bat, and countles other agents like Cat, Lion, Tiger, Cougar, and Boe Constricter. Thus are named the killer agents of the future.
Thus are my fantasys of the present. Tomorrow Star Trek II Khan!

©1997 December (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)