Book 1 1982 October 1 to 1983 June 8

8303.03

The pain, a flash, a proroxism of searing pain. It is the second time in a day of time I have burned my right hand. You try not to think of the pain, but your then your thinking "It doesn't hurt there is no pain," and your hand throbs with pain everytime you think of pain.

On the lighter side of the news today, weather let up and only 6 people died.

8303.04

Water, a rageing tempest. Pain, gentel at first, then driven by the force of winds to pelt at a mans flesh like bullets! Then ... calm, silence. And the process starts all over again.

My mind is like the rain tonight. It starts as a placid pool of water, reflecting the thoughts of my inner mind. It is those thoughts that turn into a raging tempest and turns my inner being into a deadly weapon. My spirit flys like a bullet and shatters my outter being, my masks, my front.

I am Damn it! Why won't society let me be that, feel that, ...... say that.

My God, I just realized it. I've never said or writen what I am! I have thought it, and refered to it time and again, the Beast, Black thing, Societys Beast and Monster, my tourture, but all of it Me!

Why? Why can't I say it, or write it even now. It can be said and writen, a simple word or a hundred different slags. Any would tell people who and what I am.

I know why .... I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of me. Afraid of what I might do if its said, afraid of what others will think, do, say. Hell! I'm afraid I'm going to lose my most precious gift, .... my friends.

Damn! Damn the one responsible for my pain and torutre, me. Every time I look at a person I remember what I am, and am tortured. I can't even see a freind without feeling sorry for what I have done, or will do if they find out.

What I wouldn't do to be abel to tell someone without fear. Death Dealer, Mirror, Calm Struggling Alien, Indian in Black, The Waiting Traveler, the Artist, My Mother, any of my friends, I want to tell you! I feel like I'm living a lie not telling you. I am living a lie, and I hate it! But none that I yet can handle the knowledge of what I really am.

I'm still afraid to say or write what I am. I'm going to make it a point to go off somewhere, where no one will hear me, and say, if only to myself, just say what I really am.

Maybe if I actually say it out loud, it will be easier to deal with, easier to handle. Maybe, but I doubt it.

Damn. Damn. Damn, Damn!
One day I will be. I'll break the chains of society and take this heavy wieght of my chest, and yell to the world "I am! Please! please axcept me. I'm no different than before."

*I guess I'm finally yelling out.*

8303.06

I missed a day because I was gone. I spent the weekend with my martitinal grand-mother, with my brother, Loki, and my matrarcal cousin Crusher.*Maternal is the word I'm struggling to spell here* Crusher is a man, younger than I but a man and he posese great strength.

I have not yet been able to say what I am. But buy my actions, Crusher very nearly found out, and I know he would diffenately Crush the very life out of me in the most brutal way he could think, if he ever found out. Oh, why can't I temper my hand and thought.

I must set my mind ready, train my body, and sharpen the accuracy of my eye.

You could say I'm on my own search for the holy Grail. I'm on a search for my equal or superior, a counter-part to me. I have found myself, yet if I escape me, I must search for that elusive, etharel soul known as I, before I find a counter-part doubble or counter-wieght. For if I do he may be useless to me without ' I '. Yet, if I do find my counter first he may help me find ' I ' and then we may discover us.

The search will be grueling and painful, full of rejection and discuset. I may take beatings and emotion abuse in battle with those not my counter. The search for my counter will be as difficult as my battles with Change, Reality, and the Beast who was directly involved in my battle of self, the battle in which I found me.

To find my counter first I must battle the Dragon labled society and after ward try the mend the bindings of friendship. And if I can't mend those vital ropes, then the search my counter becomes that much greater.

Oh, any God that exsist anywhere, give me strength that I may survive my ordeal.

8303.07

King Arthur sent out his Knights in search for the Holy Grail. That Grail symbolised fullfillment, and now I to search for the Grail.
The search will be long, hard, and dangerous, treacherous and difficult.
Presently I stand alone, isolated and chain in a blank feild, gaurded by the Dragon of society.
To capture the Grail I must first meditate and gather strength to shatter my bonds, trek to the edge of isolation, and then slay the Dragon gaurding the Grail.
But once I slay the first dragon the first time I'm free to search for the Grail.
I have meditated long, but I'm not yet done. I have weakened my chains but not yet broken them. My isolation is not as bad as before, my jailer, the Dragon, often speakes to me, he knows not of my plans. The Dragon really isn't bad, in fact he's rather nice, I wish to deliver the blinding death blow in the least painful way, but how do you slay a beast without hurting it?!

8303.08

My experience of My experience, is my experience

Your experience of Your experience, is your experience

But Your experience of My experience will never be the same as My experience

The same as My experience of your experience isn't the same as your experience.

Confusing but true. You have no idea how the other feels, unless you listen as they tell you, and even so you only know vaugely.

Leo B. Love has many such ideas I must rember when conquering the Dragon. I to should, like all the teachers should, have a little closet, where you can go and scream, when no one listens.
"Love" he said, "A simple 4 letter word! Why isn't it heard anymore? We need more love talk! Go out and love all unconditionaly!"
Even those haveing a bad day.
"Hi."
"Hi!" he growls.
"How are you?"
"Fine!" he snears and then frowns,
"Great. Why don't you tell your face."

Talk to me! Comunicate! I'm here, All 100% of me! I'll listen. Tell me how you feel. Tell me if I have it right. Then listen to how I feel! With this listening formula we can work out anything.
Deal with one thing at a time. Deal with emotions first, then topics (one at a time).
Listen, and Love, with those two things the world would prosper.

8303.09

I strain, and ignore the pain.
"A Chain," I say to myself, "is only as strong as its weakest link. And what binds me, is weak, for it is myself, yet as I break these bonds I get stronger, and thus does the chain."
I strain, my muscles ache, my skin tears and my soul bleeds. I pant and pull at the weakend chains. Find the chains weak link, find it.
"What Are You Doing?!"
The Dragon worries, his captives should stay chained and never struggle.
"Why Do You Struggle?!"
"I? Struggle! You must jest! Who would struggle against there own strengths? Surely no one with brains, and I have brains."
"That You Do, But You Also Have A Wit About You. I Don't Trust Your Actions! I Going To Keep My Eyes On You."
It is well you don't trust my action or words for I struggle against my weaknesses not my Strengths. The Dragon moves in closer, tightening his parimiters. Come on in Dragon, watch me I will decieve you untill I have the strength to stand against you. Until I break free of my bonds! Come closer. The closer you are, the shorter my journey to you for confrontation.
Come closer, my bonds, my chains weaken even more.

8303.1Ø

Night falls, the only light is the dim light of the Dragons hate fire. The fire dimly lights the skull like features of the Dragons face and glistens off his multi-faceted eyes.
I'm tired, and I don't wish to fight tonight. I will work on the chains tomorrow morning and strike the Dragon later. Perhaps draw him even closer to me.
Perhaps I'll strike once the Teacher of life open the subject a little more.
I can dream it know as I have dreamed many other ways.
"Today students we will speak on the subject of Beasts."
"There personally offensive to me!"
"There discusting! And thats all there is to it."
"The Bible says there wrong and discusting."
"I'd kill them all if I could."
No, not this.
"Yeah, Line them all up against a wall and machine gun 'em."
No, it can't be. I can't let it be!
"Discusting things, I wouldn't even touch them."
"Why! Were not Leypers!" I reply hotly.
"You!" they all gasp.
"I am people, and always have been, always will be!"
"Get away! Stay away from me!"
"Why you loved my before? I'm no different now then I was a mineut, hour, day or year before! I'm the same."
"No your different."
"How? The only difference is you know one more fact, It shouldn't make any more differnece that if I said I was Jewish or and Ex-con. You could except that couldn't you."
"The Bible says ... "
"It also says 'Don't judge only except.' Besides on this subject I'm as good as an Athesist."
"But ... "
"But nothing. I know what it is. You're scared to hell of what I am, not who I am! and you're scared because your uncertian about yourself and I know what I am.
Damn it people! Understand, I don't want you to like what I am, Just who I am. Your my friends and nothing else. I won't steal anything from you, you can only lose it, and not because of me.
I'm a person, not a Beast. Only you make it a Beast. Don't label me. Just be my friend. Is that to much to ask?"

8303.11

For I am the spy
living a lie
I manever and decieve
I copy and recieve
I stand and fight
or run in flight
I am a spy
living a lie
I have a cover, called a mask
My name is a secrete, so don't ask.
I have an adventure
and uncover treasure
For I am a spy
living a lie

I live a god Damn Fucking lie, locked up here in nowhere.
The Dragon circles ever closer growling and belching smoke and fire.
He torments me, taunts me, dares me, suprises me, torchers me!
He strikes and recoils, draws closer and strikes again and I can't fight back!
I leap and attack only to be jerked back by the chains and the Dragon laughes!
He belches fire and heats the metal in my chains. I burn, I yell, I scream, I rage and burn with equal fury.
I have power! Buildt up rage and anger, I have skill and I have me God Damn it!
I am, I will be, I have been, I shall ever more . become! Why?! Why is it so hard to shatter these chains and fight back!?
Why is so hard to say or write who and what I am?!
Why is it so hard to Say I'm Gay!

My god I wrote it! I sit here and stare at the word, the one word which has caused me so many problems. All my problems stemed from one god Damn three-letter-lable!
That's just what it that Damn word is, its a lable. A lable just like White, wierd, strange, curly haired, whimp, Pacifist, artist, first born, or Jew, ex-con, German, Russian, hoodlem, Gangster, smoker, drugy and on and on and on!
I'm still the same, I have been the same, and will be the same. Only minor changes, no major ones, my lable, I know, has been with me since Middle school or sooner.
I think thats were Gallifrey came from. I knew I was different, but I didn't understand how yet and so came my memorys of Gallifrey. Yet in Middle school I realized what I was and wresteled the problem and techquinely still am, but I understood and forgot to drop Gallifrey.
But now I am to deep into the sea of Gallifrey and the tide has my foot, and I know I must now wade out.
Physician heal thy self. I'm sorry world but now I realize where Gallifrey came from and where all my analigys came from.
I saw and knew myself to be different, thus I came from a different planet, place, and time.
I felt trapped into society and held back, thus I became a prisoner on an alien planet until it's year 2000.
I felt free and uquine *unique* , thus I could move and be me, yet.
I had a secret, so couldn't offer proff of my alien heritage.
My T.A.R.D.I.S is my mind Bigger inside than outside, and not restricted to one time, place, or dimension of thinking.
Even the T.A.R.D.I.S. feul is realitive. "Energized hydrogen Its quite abundant and powerful" Just like people, uquine *unique* like my powersource, abundant and powerful, and I thrive on people!
My memorys of Vulcan were only my conscience trying to guide me through the rouf emotional spots of my life.
It's amazing how much you can learn by writing a simple three-lettler-lable.
Now I must rest and gather strength. I have broken the chains, now I must make a journey to strength and face the Dragon society.
Please wish me luck.

*I had to get pretty worked up to be able to write down what I really felt. It then lead me to self analysis. This is still common with me. Btw' All this talk of Gallifrey - I was a big Doctor Who fan (after all that's the name of my cat even) I didn't steal directly from the TV series but I did seize hold of the ideas that I most identified with. I told everyone that I was an alien from outer space. This is still how many from High School still remember me. Right here is when I began to stop it - I came up with something else to express my solitude and different-ness.*

8303.12

I dreamt, I dreamt then awoke and told my dream to the Calm struggling alien.
"What did you dream?" said he looming above my bed.
"I deamt that I awoke to a man looming over bed similar to you only carring an axe. He kept yelling "What! What! What did you say!?"'
"What did you reply?"
"Not until you put down your axe."
"Did he put it down?"
"That not what I said. I'm asking you to put it down. Because I know you'll strike me with it once I tell you just as the man in my dream did."
"I have no axe."
"But you do and you'll never be able to drop it. I can't continue."

I should tell!
I don't care anymore.
You can tell everybody I'm a discrace and drag my name all over the place
Because I've been talking the the people you call you'r friends and its seems there a means to end
and . I don't care anymore.
I don't care what you say because every day I'm geting better and I'm doing okay by myself.
I don't care what you think just let me be. I don't care anymore!

I've shattered my chains, and I feel that all thoughs close to me have a right to know who I am, what I am. But I'm I ready for the emotional pain to be envolved. Nothing will be the same again.
They'll wonder what I'm thinking. I'll wonder what they're thinking. They'll wonder if I'm wondering, ect.

I've taken two steps. I've still a long way to go. I hope I don't ever give up.

*The weird part of this entry is that I know that David (The Calm Struggling Alien) and I often had very disconnected and isoteric discussions like this. I often wondered what it was that made the difference between my not spending time 'institutionalized' like he did later.*

8303.13

I say, I'm sorry. What for? Every single time I do this it gives me pleasure, I enjoy it, yet every time I say I'm sorry?
It's just a fantasy, its not the real thing.
And this is true so why say I'm sorry for a fantasy?
Real people, people I know, I see in my head, I'm sorry.
Fictional persons I read about or see in a comic book, I'm sorry.
My own fictional persons, my creations, I'm sorry.
Why I'm sorry? I should say Thank you. A moment of pleasure in my life and I say I'm sorry to the people I envisioned shared it with me.
I would never imagine drawing the real people into this unless they wanted to. But even then I would say Thank you, for what you gave me, I'm sorry, if your wounded in any way.
But this is a fantasy, they don't know, and even so they should be glad to know they give me a pleasurable moment, even if it wasn't real.
I am sorry if I offend anyone with my fantasys, but you don't know, so you can't be offended. Thus I thank you also because its one of my only pleasurable moments.
I say Thank you, and take a step closer to my destiny.

*Not as easily said then done though it did finally happen. Just in case you haven't figured out what this is about - I would fantasize about men as I masturbate. After I was done I would apologize to the men I fantasized about (all still in my head). Pretty sad when the guilt of being gay goes all the way into your sexual fantasies.*

8303.14

I have this vision runing through my head, several different ones yet all the same.
I'm dangling stories above the street in unfinished construction at night. I feel the wind in my face and nothing beneath my feet, and I'm yelling "Don't Drop me! Please Don't drop me!". Yet I look up and see the face of the Death Dealer or the Indian in Black, two faces I trust the most, one by knowledge and experience, the other only by reputation. I trust them, yet I would yell "Don't drop me!"
But as I look up and see there faces, I trust, and then the two pair of hands I most admire, release me, and let me fall.
I can't bring myself to think either would truely drop me if the situation were real, no matter what, yet in the vision they droped me.
The only difference between the two visions is that other takes palce at my home, I dangel from my roof and this time only the Death Dealer is envolved.
If the roles were reversed I would do anything to hold them there and pull them to saftey.
I know why in the vision they drop me, And I understand why they might. But why be a pesimist, Don Quiote chased and slay windmills, I'm not much worse.

8303.15

I realise now as I walk and fight the wind any way I face, that I fear. I fear more than I thought and the things I never thought I feared.
I fear some one will read the label I wrote before I'm ready. And now I realize also that I'm as afraid to tell people that label as I think they will be to hear it.
Is it 'better to Rule in Hell then serve in Heaven'?
My two cards, the Ace of Spades and the Joker, my two sides. Is either caible of coping? Am I capible of coping?

Death Dealer will return from a two week absence Friday. The school of Knowledge lets out half way through to day. I want to see him again, and let him tell me of his adventures, but, can I face him? I know the uncertainty lyies only here, and once I see him I will be like I always have been.
When will this walk of doubt be over, I gather strength to fight yet I must overcome the doubt. Damn Dobut and the Dragon of Society that lied it upon me.

©1997 December (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)