Book 1 1982 October 1 to 1983 June 8

8302.08

Free! free to fly!
But I must test my wings, 6 months is longer than I thought! But I will fly! I will be! I will become!
Loki, hinders, but I will over-come

8302.09

And Nomad ran. He ran from friends, foes, troubles and good time. But he confronted problems. He met them head-on and paid all concequences. Physical force meant nothing, his will was all, and his open mind backed it all.
My mind is open and my will strong. All will be well, I will be well, I will be.
I carry the skull, the elelment fire, the pentagram my sign the power of three's mine. Strong mind, will, body, and wit. All works in harminy.

*Nomad is a character of mine that meets all my other characters. He has grown with me and I have his exploits chronicled on hundreds of comic book covers.*

8302.10

It's time I peeled away this mask so you can really see who I am. I'm Killgrave.
All life is a play, and the world is your stage.
I was unaware I acted, yet I found I wore a mask (perhaps only makeup, but it changes my appearance just the same).
To Be or not to be, that is the question.
Do I peel away the mask, or do I exhange it for my next part.
*masks of a happy face, a sad face, a stoic face and a twisted face*
the joy, sorrow, logic and insanity of it all.
Lets walk, talk, and enjoy ourselves. Leave the masks behind, let them rot. We will enjoy ourselves.
*picture of a man from the back walking away with his face covered and throwing away a mask*

8302.11

Questions, answers, fun growth and experiance. Sex, philosophy, controversy.
I'm flying! I am sore as I sore above the clouds. I'm free, and I'll fly like a hawk, slicing through the clouds and ever flying higher. I spy my ambition, I tuck in my wings and speed like a rocket to sieze hold, and capture that ambition right in my powerful talons.
For now I live!

*After six months of doing nothing I was really enjoying being able to run and play again.*

8302.12

I'm deaf, I can not hear. No, now I hear, but I'm blind and can not see. No, I'm cripple.
I have no arms. I can't feel anyting. I'm quadraplegic.
God, I'm so lucky to be whole and working. The things I take for granted and use or abuse.
I get up out of bed, I walk outside and see the snow melting. I listen to the birds and people speaking to me, I feel the air around me. And I don't care.
What about those who can't even get out of bed without the help of others, or those who can't walk? What about those who can't see, can't hear, can't talk, can't physically feel?

They would give anyting to be as lucky as I, yet I don't care, and most others care even less. Its a pity.
Everyone should spend a day blind, deaf, mute, crippled, just to know what those less fortunate people go though, and we discriminate them for.
Hey people wise up! It could be you! Then what? huh?

8302.13

Tomorrow is a day of expectations and love.

Expectations. Tommorrow for the first time in 7 *could be an 8 but the 7 is stronger* months I will run. I will become one with myself and flee from the world of troubles and worryies. I will have peace, tranquility, and work. I look forward to the run.

I look forward to my classes and my freinds for tomorrow is also a day of ...
Love. Valentines day. a day of love and warm fuzzys. May everyone experinece the love that was meant to be on this day. Spend the day with someone special and experience something from the heart.

Tell those you love, exactly that. "I love you, your a special person."

8302.14 Valentines day
Today was one of the best days in my life. Spent with friends, love, learning, experience, joy, laughter, and the exchange of warm fuzzies.
At school it was a time of joy, happiness, and sharing. And this is where I learned of warm fuzzies, the exhange of good positive feeling, even between people you don't know. It's gratifying to them and to you, its a wonderful feeling.
At school I gave out valentines and people feelt good about that (sort of like exchanging warm fuzzies)
The day was spent in love and joy, the two best feelings in the world.
The night was spent with Death dealer and the Mirrorr. Spent learning the ways of darkness and shadow warriors.
The day was a blast, the night a ball, and all in all the best day I've had in a long time (I was even able to restrain myself so as not to bother my superego).
My only hope, my only wish ... that this isn't a once a year day. And if it should be, I look forward to many days and years ahead.

8302.15

my mind is clouded by thoughts of the prevous day and today.

Yesterday was an up, an positive experence, a beautiful day in more than one way.

Today a down, a negitive experence, and a dreary day.

Why? why should the glitter of love fade so fast.

My mind is a cloud, and I'm lost in its fog. My body rebells against me, and my mind does nothing.

May these feelings flee fast, I wish to give them no home.

8302.16

Grease, music, acting, fun, I live on.

I had fun at the fountain of youth.

I became quite uncouth.

8302.17

Death dealer as the teacher, the Mirrorr and I as students, learning the ways of death.
"This takes them down, this delivers punishment and pain, this disables, this renders unconsciousness, this mames, this kills."
But do I want this? Will I ever use it? I've avoided fights thus far.
But I do crave a knowledge for this. I want to learn, I think.

*14 years later I've still never been in physical fight. Marc always said I wasn't a very serious student when it came to the Martial arts. He was right. It appeals to me but I don't have the discipline to learn anything more then enough to be a danger to myself :) *

8302.18

It's coming out into the open, the secrete me is being discussed. People are more open minded than I believed. The teacher of better life made many points for and against, Sloan, a pupil of the teacher, spoke out against, and against, and against. Several that I knew spoke out in a neutral or for point. That is much better that I once ever imagened, yet still I stand confused.

For, against, neutral, good points, bad points, I agree, you're right but ..., I disagree, thats wrong, I'm glad you feel that way, I'm apalled, personally offensive, just keep "them" away from me, I don't just as long as it not around me, I don't want to see "them", The Bible says "Con!" but also "pro".

I'm still at square one, and that square is in the middle of a plain white field which no-one enters. .. .. I'm still alone. As teacher pointed out, in vain, I feel incredibly alone and even slightly guilty for the way I am. It Isn't fair!!!!

I am alone, and I don't know who to turn to, if anyone. I don't know what to do. I can't remain silent all my life it would be unfair to me, thus are chains added to my wieght in the feild. I will one day be free.

*Drawing of a man on his knees. Shackled at the ankles and wrist, with an X chain around his chest tethered to the ground. The man looks up with sorrow and a tear in his eye.*

*This is in reference to a discussion in Human Relations class. This class was a mish-mash of sex education, interpersonal skills, psychology and sociology. It was one of the best experiences of my High school years. Many kids took it as an easy A (and as long as you did the home work you had an A) but I think they ended up learning a lot more then they thought. I think the best part of this class was that we where able to talk about issues away from our parents and among peers with a teacher in the room only as a mediator. If you are a parent I recommend a class like this for your kids. If you are in school - see if you can find a class like this. This was the only class I took twice because I enjoyed it that much, and the teacher was right, it was never the same twice.

This day we of course talked about Homosexuals. As you can see I was surprised the discussion wasn't "It's wrong." But that there where some that didn't think it was bad. Of course, I'll draw your attention to that despite one student firmly against (with many agreeing) those that thought it was 'okay' also didn't want to see it or hear about it. Although this discussion lifted many of my fears of unacceptance it still let me know that my peers where not ready to know it could happen near them. Also, knowing that students like Sloan where out there, kept me safely hiding. Oh, better believe my usually quite self participated heavily in these discussions.*

8302.19

Star - crossed lovers. The story of Romeo and Juliet, the two lovers fate used as pawns. I feel a deep empathy for the story of lovers who could not love, for I myself am somewhat star-crossed. If I found myself a lover of spirit, mind, and body, could I love this person?

If the others found out they would run, only from the new name, the new label, but run just the same. Juliet said it no better with "A rose by any other name would smell just as sweat." *ewh, you know what I meant - Btw' for some reason I continue to misspell sweet as sweat* So why run from a rose labled Death. It isn't death, it be a symbol of death, but not death, it is a rose. It smells sweat, looks beautiful, and all that natural beauty grows, and grows freely and wildly.

I wonder, would Romeo and Juliet be accepted just the same had William Shakesphere been like me? Probably not, nor would it ever, and it is a pity. *ironic statement isn't it?*

8302.2Ø

I write earlyer than normal today for one of the greatest things just happen. Brad Brunkow, who shall now be known as the soul shearcher, came back for a visit with old friends after nearly 5 years.

All the friends had changed and grown, matured, yet we all still got allong and enjoyed each others company. Usually people change to a point were we no longer get along, we grow apart. But the Angel, calm struggling alien, Soul Searcher and I have stayed the same in friendship after still having grown mentally, spiritualy, and physically. We have promised to stay in touch, and comunicate to help eachother understand. After re-meeting the Soul-Searcher I feel angered at myself for having degraded him in such fantasys as mine. But then I really didn't know him then. If he ever finds out I hope he forgives. I find that I love him as a friend.
===== ----- ===== ----- ===== ----- =====
I feel guilty about what I am. I just re-watched the movie that help me decide that "this is what I am, I've known it for a long time (since 7th grade Jardine) and I should come to grips with it and not be ashamed."
I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I know I am feeling guilty.
I've been having dreams of running through an empty field, alone, yet being chased by an unseen figure in black (I've never seen the person, yet as part of the dream I know he's wearing black). And this figure is firing arrows at me. The first one misses, the second ripps my shirt sleve, the third perices straight through my upper, right chest. I run further and further into the empty field, with arrows raining down on me. The next arrow that hits goes through and lodges itself in my right wrist. I turn to try and find my advisary only to find an arrow in my right eye. I fall to my knees and scream then pull out the arrow and scream some more as tears of blood stream down my face. As I try to get up I find I can't because I'm weighted and tied down by heavy chains, and there I stay, sweating, sobing, bleeding, alone.

Damn a Society that would make me feel as such. Damn! Why won't society let me tell anyone? Why?! Damn!

8302.21

I had a day off from the majority of Society and my peers. I spent it in a deceptive way. I tried to sneak peaks of my fantasies from a magizen, but I didn't make it, and all the better. Had I seen the mags, I may have plunged deep into a long destracting fantasy , which with my going back to school tomorrow, I may not have been able to handle. I look forward to school. I'll slay my dragons later.

8302.22

"Die you heathen Monster!" I yelled to Dragon of society as I unleashed yet another arrow into its ebony chest.
"No!" was belched back at me with flame and brimestone. "I cannot die, and you cannot kill me." It's four fingered talon came down swiftly and stomped were I had stood only moments ago. As I come out the role I grab my sword of truth, and cleve away several scales on his leg. He roars mightily and turns his head toward me and stares with his hundred eyes.
"I don't have to kill you only blind the eye which views me wrongly!" I send forth a new arrow which soars through the air to meet a cold grey eye. The Dragon shreiks and cryies tears of blood as smoke fills my lungs, because now society dosen't view smoking. The Dragon screams and thrashes about as I send arrow after streaking arrow to its many eyes, but not the one I want.
Trying to set out to do one good I unleased many evils, smoking, drugs, sex, order, feelings, the dragon blind to them all. What do I do now?!

8302.23

A seven-per-cent solution said Sherlock Holmes. The man was a guinese *genius*, he saw like everyone else, but he remembered everything he saw, we don't. What a talent, what a talent we could all have. Raise the child right, don't stifle the natural instincts, don't supress his being, all could grow up great.

But don't take a seven-per-cent solution, or you will suffer, just as Holmes had, a terrible fate. Withdrawl, nightmare, horror, fever, convulsions, hullusinations, Terror! No man should have to suffer so. No one.

8302.24

Power, portayed in the skull, the hand, the tirad, and the five and six sided star.

You can tell everone I'm a disgrace. I don't care any more.
I just can't win, you won't catch me crying,
I don't care anymore.
I don't care what you say
I've seen the people you call friends and I don't care anymore.
I don't care what you think about me, just get out of my way, I don't care anymore.
Don't you listen boy, I don't care no more.

I will be who and what I am, So I don't care what you think, I don't care what you say, I am!

Damn you Black Society!
Damn you! because I don't care anymore.

*Yes I did. But it was a start. "I don't care anymore" is a song by Phil Collins*

8302.25

Today the white haired gentelman warned us, as did the teacher of life. I must prepare, for the Teacher of life warned. Sunday a full moon will rise and many amazing things will happen, and the white haired gentelman howled.
Sunday it will happen, Monday it will be complete, and I must be ready for the fight. My mind must be ready for the challenge, last time the white judge passed sentance and I brought guilty down on myself. I must be ready for this one or I will die at the hands of the gentelman's beast shouting "Wing-go!"
My bone chills at the thought of the last meeting. His howl, his strenght, his intellect cut like knifes at one's intellect, and sanity.
I will be ready for you gentelman, judge, and beast. I will be ready. I'll prepare as I did on Vulcan for Kollenar and the test of Idic.
The full moon, in all its beauty, power, and mystique.

Blood and guts, Bullets and bones, Eyes and arrows, Skull and flame, Friendship and torture.

8302.26

I have new winged sandals for running, and I am no longer timeless.

I had a dream of twins. Both tall, handsome, long brown hair and rounded yet commanding faces. There only difference? One was blind, the other deaf. They were always together, the deaf brother saw for the blind, the blind brother heard for the deaf. If only the world could cooperate as those two did.

8302.27

The moon is full, and I have spent the day in preparation. The moon a powerful source of unexplained force has done one thing and I hope does another, each will be known Monday, the day of the moon.

It has acomplished pain, I hope it equals with joy. The joy I hope it to acomplish goes to the Teacher of life, who awaits a new student, one of his flesh, and of the womens he loves. He has been waiting the day with estatic antisapation and hoped today to be the day. I hope his joy comes tonight.

The other, I know is acomplished, that of pain. By now the moon has turned the white haired gentelman into the raging white haired beast known as "Wing-go." First his hair grew and thickened into a massive white curly locked mane as he howls in antisapation. Then his body grows, doubles, and strengthens as the power of knowledge pervades his body. The graceful old hands that shaped knowledge grow massive in order to test the creation. They grow long sharp claws, which when swung there is no escaping, because all must feel the sting of truth. Teeth grow into fangs to make words sharp and descive yet his tounge is forked and very cunning in structure of words. Now white fur covers his body and a savage sence of knowledge pervades him. It is this I must face tomorrow, and I must try to prevail. Many have prevailed before and this monster wishes to be defeated because it means he has taught us well.

By tuesday all but the white mane will have vanished, replaced by robes of knowledge and sence of impacialality. *?After long deliberation and deciphering I think this word is supposed to be impartiality - something I still couldn't spell with out this computer and a dictionary* His power will be justice and a gavel. I hope I pass his judgement.

8302.28

"It was a baby! I didn't mean for her to kill it, just keep it quite! My god ... she sufocated her own baby. . . . Damn it Sidney . . you son of a bitch! Why did you make me remember that?!"

".......... My god. Where are the others that were with him?!"
"He's the only one who made it this far."
"Half his chest is gone. ...... He. .. He wasn't even a soldger. H-he was a musician -------
Before music was always an escape of this hell hole for me, now .... now it will be a constant reminder."

"I was a third of the way home. I amolst saw Aren again. I missed her second birthday in two years!" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *I almost saw Erin again.*

Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen. One of the sadest moments is history. Both on the screen that captured it so well, and its real moment of history.
The heart break, the insanity, the emotion, the .... emptyness.
Valyent men and women went threw hell, purgetory, darkness and blood together .. they went threw War!

In darkness they drew close, in war they help each other stand, they tried to keep each other sane. In light and peace they were riped apart, torn from each other, left hollow to start anew.

M*A*S*H* will forever go down in history as a T.V. show that best caught the pain and hell of war and the attempts of laughter, there anchor to reality and sanity.
It's realy to bad that such a good show had to be sparked from such a horrible episiod in history.
And silence quited a nation and tears flowed into an ocean, as all payed homage to the passing of a great thing, a great feeling, and a great era of television. But none will forget, and it's enigma will last for ever.

Thank you;
Hawkeye
B.J. Honeycut
Charels Winchester III
Cernel *Colonel* Potter
Maxwell Clinger
Margret Houlahan "Hot-lips"
Father Malcahe
Sidney
Radar
Cernal *Colonel* Blake
.. And all the others responsible.

Thank you all!

8303.01

I've run with the moon. The glorious morning star-shine, a jolly fellow, and great company.

Witches, Wizards, Warlocks, Warriors.
Masters, Mages, Magicians, Mystics.
Giants, goblins, gouls, ghost.
Fairys, fighters, Flowers.
Pixies, Puck, and players,
Witches, Giants, Fairies
. .. a world of wonderful things.

Bam! Bam! Silence. I will not listen to any further protest. You did better than last time, but still 47 wrong out 130 doesn't cut it. I'm sorry, Guilty. "Better luck next time."

8303.02

There he stood, young, strong, and naked. Deprived of everything, innocents, respect, pride, privacy, and clothes. "I stand revealed. I stand on trial. I must now ruff it and live on none but myself."
Prison, such due humility to those who need punishment

The Idiot, the Idiot. I'm nearly ready to give up on his ignorant, stuborn, narrow mind. He judges, usally wrong, and then refuses to except anything else.
Idiot thinking -
Open minded causuall conversation word - Communism (passing word)
Idiot siezes on that one word, Communism, passes instant judgement - Wrong and evil. Then he diverts all conversation to that one word, Communism, he's only backing of judgement - Not like us, wrong, evil, cruel, period.
. . . But your wrong.
. . . No! It's wrong, period.

. . . Witch-craft
Power to kill and destroy, ah, to bad its not around anymore.
Wrong, power to help, it is around to day.
What?! no you're wrong they never existed.
They exist today.
No they don't.

I may as well bang my head against a wall. The idiot is Blind to facts, and life, deaf to reason and ignorant to life.
How?! How can ones mind prosper at all in such a small area. Mine needs to expand.

©1997 December (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)