Book 1 1982 October 1 to 1983 June 8
Free at last of the Kolenar's and the half year mark. I riegn supreme now, not the Masters.
I spoke to Angel, and the Beast interfered. She spoke of beauty to me, a beauty the Beast alows me not to even comprehend. I would love to listen Angel but I cannot. The Beast invades.
I have redesigned my prison of walls to keep the Beast, and any other harmful aperition, out and away from me. It will near ineffective for the Beast, but all else had better look out.
The tiger Hemdal watches over my door, a faithful watch gaurd. Demons of light keep away the Beast in dark. The split skulls of Cain and Able watch my room, as the skull of Adam and his mightmares watch over the chest of unwanted treasures. The wooden chest kept by a lock easily opened contains adulthood and vainity. The black flaming, skull of damed blood protected by magic watches over my positions *Should be possessions* and fantasys. The sacred cross of weapons gaurd my knowledge and wisdom with the help of Vodo. The celestial being Atum gaurds my windows and desk. Lastly, the cat and the demon, the Tiger and Dragon watches over me in sleep, my memorys and philosophys, and the keys of time.
I dream of truely knowing what the Indian in black is like. But is this because of honest feelings or a
desire to learn his physical skills. Damn the Beast for dirty deeds and the Dungon deep!
Dirty deeds and my Dungon deep! Deed, Darkness, Dungeons, Deep. Deeds, Darkness, Deep.
Deep Dark Deeds. -----------
*I've always liked skulls, and metaphors. This is actually a description of my room and the objects
in it and the meanings I had placed on them at the time. I still have many of these objects. I
remember many of the others. The Tiger and the Dragon was an oriental print of a Tiger and a
Dragon fighting by the sea. I still have the chest of unwanted treasures. In sits in my front living room
surrounded by many of the skulls I mentioned. Some of these things I don't remember - mainly
because they where probably only the meaning I placed on them at the time.*
8310.15 *My dyslexia probibly turned this around and I continued to misdate several of these entries. The date you clicked on is the correct date.*
The Beast kept away tonight as I started over, and was resurrected tonight. Friends, laughter, and
Lazer. All goes well the charms may work. Logan Hellstorm came through perhaps I may too.
*Lazer is a game Marc (Death Dealer) invented. It is a roll playing game - Logan was one of my
characters.*
8310.16 morning
I had a dream last night. Death dealer and the Indian in Black, whom I was getting to know (when I
never have) were walking and talking with me. The conversasion took many turns and twists until
there was joking of the beast. It struck home more than usall until I couldn't take it any more. I
yelled "Stop it! Shut up!" "Who are you to tell me what to do, Dude!" said the Indian black as he
dashed me up to a wall and held me there.
"I'm telling you to stop, and I said please. If that will get me killed by your hands fine, but please
stop!"
"Why dose this bother you now?" replyed Death Dealer, "Why? It never bothered you before."
I had to think fast. I'd hate to lie for the Beast, but I didn't want to lose my friends.
"I know someone with the beast in his soul, someone you don't know. This person is one of my best
friends, and he told me about the beast in him a day or two ago. Now I see him in the jokes and
they aren't funny anymore."
The Indian in black states at me then lets go of me as he says "You stayed his friend?"
"Yes," I replied "He's no different than before, why shouldn't I like him?"
"If you stayed his friend then you're as much a beast as he is!" and the Indian in black ran off in
terror of even knowing me.
Death Dealer didn't view it that way, walked home in total silence, Deafinging silence.
The next day Death Dealer had an obssesion, "Who is your friends name?"
"You have no right to ask or need to know. I won't tell you."
Death Dealer grit his teeth and we argued until it came to "tell me or I'll treat you as I treated the
Traitor!"
"How dare you place me in such a spot! You know I can't stand to lose friends or see people
upset. Either ways this goes I lose! Damned if I do, Damned if I don't!" Damn you Beast!
"Well, will you tell me now?"
"If I don't I lose you as a friend, If I do you'll get upset and I'll lose you as a friend."
"Well!"
Presure! Thats the funny thing of life watching some friends scream "Let me out!" Under presure!
Crashing down on me coming down on you.
"No!" I screamed and ran. Three days later, Death Dealer gets a letter, sealed with a wax skull, no
return address. He opens the letter and sees on the inside of the flap;
"To the death of flowering friendship" with a blood stained dagger pointing down to the letter inside.
He pulls out the letter and reads the phrases, and setences. His eyes water, his vioce trembles, his
mind shakes.
"Damon Killgrave has been fighting a losing battle against the Beast in Bret Turner.
The Beast rules Bret Turner.
I'm sorry. Really sorry."
Thus read the last of the letter. Thus is the reason in this dream I never saw Death Dealer again, and all found out and wouldn't touch me. Thus I lost all. And all I could do is Damn the Beast to hell! which does no good for he rules from there.
May this dream never come true! and Damn the Beast for making it.
8310.16 evening
A gypsy will roam a half year more in new inviernments the Ace of Spades and the Joker his cards.
Morning Graffiti will continue before being Indipentant.
In my new scedual both my Gallifreyian and Vulcan train will come in handy.
Good night all.
*I should never write when I'm this tired : environments - Independent - schedule - training. What
do I mean? The semester has changed, I have new classes that will use both my Creativity and my
Logic. As for the Dream above - Does anyone else see the harm in a society that makes someone
feel sorry for being something they can't control?*
It started and I liked what I experienced.
I invisioned a beast in white fur with savage claws yelling "Wengo!" I got a white haired gentelman
who told who and why he was, and because of this and that he loves us, we will learn. The Indaian
in black is in this class, perhaps I will get to know this skillful man better.
However, I must be warey of where I tread in Human Relations, for I am no longer human because
of the Beast. Because of the Beast I must be careful of what I say and do or he might break lose of
his present, temporary, prison.
I should send my false image of the White haired gentel-man against the Beast, but I can no longer
conger this image. Thus I may lose another eventuall battle, against the Damn Beast.
Ever so must I walk, the Man in Black with a Beast in his Soul.
*Okay - The white beast will be back. In the X-Men comic there was a Yeti-like beast called
Wendego. I took a class from a teacher named Wayne Wengo. Famed as one of the hardest
teachers in the school. Well, earned. I nearly failed his class - he ruined my GPA - but he helped me
out so much and I still consider him one of the best teachers I ever had. Consequently, the Indian in
Black and I had seats next to each other. We did become friends through the course of the
semester - before now I knew him by reputation only and that we had some common friends (He
was on the gymnastics team as was Marc and Brian.*
I'm Mad. Containment has been extended. 8302.03 was agreed upon, now five days more. 6
months was disadvantage enough against the Beast, let me out to fight him on better terms. I must
shape my body to battle the Beast. Le me out, I wish to leave the Beast behind.
=You Can't servive with-out Me!= Damn You Beast!
*I'm not exactly sure what I'm talking about here. I can think of only two things - one doesn't fit at all and the other shouldn't have been talked about this way. The first is that when I told my Mother we agreed that I wouldn't 'admit' I was gay until I was 21 or out of college (which ever came first). That never changed. The other is my lung had collapsed and I was told to do nothing that would make me 'breath hard' for 6 months. I had some problems and I was told to stay inactive, but I shouldn't have thought this was a fight against the Beast which is my being Gay.*
Darkness, Blankness
Don Quixote, a knight in his dreams, and reallity.
"To much sanity may be madness,
Yet the madest of all is to see life as it is ....
and not as it should be."
Don Quizote lives in us all, or at least he should.
Quick, speed, bed, slumber, early, grogy, awake, shower, dress, travel, travel, watch; speed,
action, endurance, victory, defeat. Home, rest, relax, do-as-please.
Meditate, slumber, now!
The calm struggleing alien suffered defeat today at the hands of many skillful people. But I was proud of him none the less.
All else goes well.
I feel as if I've let down Death-Dealer. His Lasers were primed and I could not die, because I had to protect the calm struggling alien. I would rather have gone to Death Dealers and died for the Beast supported the Calm Struggleing Aliens defeat. And if I die the Beast dies too. Next time Death Dealer, I will be ready to die in the glory of Laser, for then the Beast will burn!
*not suicidal, I had to pick between two friends activities. I wanted to role-play at Marc's but had to got to something with David (Calm Struggling Alien). Also role-playing is great in that you can symbolically 'die'.*
Das Wagner, opera interst. Rhienhold gold mystery, music! I may watch.
The Beast attacks and overpowers. He is my light and overshadows.
Even though locked behind sacred doors, he rules, controlls, and manipulates.
No! I refuse! I will shut the Beast out of my mind. I refuse him for now. Let the acid flow in and
take me away. Burn into my mind with your simple and complex patterns to confuse the Beast and
free me from his grasp.
Send in Fenfer the wolf. I seek says the wolf. I seek blood like wine, I'm on the hunt, I'm after you!
One Beast seeks another.
Pshyco-babble, I fight a pshyco-battle. Lett me tell you about a dream I have every night, were the
Beast ravages overs, kills, humilates, changes, disables, others.
I can't handle the beast touching anyone for then they are injured and scared permenatly, unless they
to have the same beast but I don't know how my Beast would react to another. Damn!
I know there something going on here, and its the Beast. Damn!
Rock the Casba, I await the Boogey (Beast) man. Do it the Diplomatic way, the profets way, the
jet pilots way. The way of the Beast! Damn! Saree don't like it!
Away! away! I cures thee T'varth! I damn thee scum! Away! Bother me not! Bother none others!
Die and wither Beast! Die!
=I won't, and you know it. You will forever walk with me in your soul.=
*(laughing) I sure hope my parents never read these when I was young. Since I didn't spend any time in institutions I guess they didn't. By the way, this rambling is a few songs, some Star Trek literature, random thoughts and talk to the Beast.*
It snowed today. It ruined my day. The only thing I like about snow is that its white, pure and soft, the oposite of the Beast. But the Beast still exists in the snow.
No! No! NOOO!!
I ran a black ilk flowing like a liquid smoke from my nouth, eyes, fingers and hart.
"Whats wrong? Let me help!"
No! stay back Death Dealer, don't let the Mirrorr follow, restrain anyone else.
It's the Beast he's escaping,
=I'm free! Free to ravage and pilage! To walk free of your mind!=
No! I won't alow it! No stay away from Death Dealer and Mirorr! Run 2nd hour freinds! Put up
your shield Master Teacher protect the others and don't let the shield bukel! *Buckle*
Good student, Runner, New kid, and freinds run! Move away Tan, and older than he looks! Fight
him Indian in black, tear him apart, but don't touch him!
Oh, It's helpless he's touched them all and they die and shrivel! And I'm responsible!
Why must the bonds of friendship rip and die because of me?! Why?
=I walk in your soul!=
A dream it was all a dream, or was it a prophecy of things to come? Which?
Welcome to the Hotel Calaforina they stabbed it with there silvery knifes, but they just can't kill the
Beast.
The Devils about to rock, we salute you! The Beast is about to walk, we Damn you!
Run the current through me hook up the AC and the DC cord, put them in my hands and flip on the
juice. Let he acid flow through me, let me sizzle and fry!
I stand dead and smoking naked and revealed before my friends, but the inigma of the Beast lives
and they run in horror.
"No! not him, how could it have been him. He didn't look like the type to carry that!"
From beyond the grave the Beast stalkes his prey and eats at there soul's. Tearing away at there
being like he rip asunder my own shattered soul.
For I walk, decked in black, with the Beast in my soul.
Damn it! ~--------------------~
I can't think and I now realize work of school and my own fall in on me.
The white haired gentelman would have read two chapters of a unquie govermnemt, and the group
would have me form theorys and speak them to the class.
While I feel I must bring to life planetary regins, and planets, while also sparking life in the good vs
evil of many religions.
Must I all ways be short of time, and still plagued by the Beast?
I dreamed of a gental gaint named Jeremy. He to had the beast yet he had excepted him, and put
him in his proper place. He was a far wiser keeper than I. Freindship drew us close, the Beasts
even closer, for we were like two Jews in a German society.
We exsercised the Beasts, in private and only between the two of us, but we didn't let them run
rampant, we didn't even let them run as far as some would believe we did.
But all comes to an end as I awoke. But can a Jeremy exist? Can there be one for me? In ways I
wish there were. In ways I wish there weren't. But I really hope and wish there is.
But there isn't, and the Beast only plagues me. Perhaps it he who makes me ill now.
9 days now untill there is judgement on most asuradly freedom. To no longer be traped in my body.
What feedom I shall have. I'll shock the monkey with my slow feats of comeback-after-an-injury.
I must go now, meditate and sleep before my head explodes.
I feel miserable, the Beast, my head, that taste!
But I'll trick them all, I kill myself by drinking that abhorent liquid death.
All my be solved.
---------------~
Beep! peeb! Beep! peeb!
*a cardiogram line* ~-----
I'm death, that taste! like drinking bubbley apple snakes. But I must admit I feel better. But that Taste!
He's a fuckin' ghost, man!
Yet Captain China lead Death dealer and the Indian in Black on. They were in search of the dark
one, only known as the Beast! ......... No!
Beep! Beep! whir! click!
Ding! tick! tick! Bleep! Bleep!
Computers, technology, dehumanization.
Who am I!? secrete, sectete, I got a secrete!
Help me Mr. Roboto!
Save me from the foul stenched monolith of Reality!
Who am I?! Please tell me who I am! secrete, secrete, I got a secrete.
The Beast! no! Do you want to touch, do you wan'a touch me there?
Where!? Never! No! Help me Mr. Roboto!
Who am I! be logical, I'm under presure.
It's time you knew who I am . ...
Killgrave, Damon D'artagnon
. Killgrave
. . . Killgrave
. . . . Killgrave
. . . .(_____________
. . . . . _____________)
standing, waiting, freezing in the purity of natures deep gift.
Where is the great dragon?
Where is this Damn wind coming from?
I am not, I will not, I can not be cold! ------------
Hello! hello! Are you there? Comander I've loss contact with all but the right advance troop!
~Hel ... help! . eft troo . ere! hel ... elp! . oming . n! oo . u . read!?~
Contact sir! the left troop. but there in a bad way, and nothing from the far advance troop! ----
The icy wind blew and struck me with the cold sicth and clawed at my face. Still no sign of the
dragon. No dragon, I'll have to find other heat.
No! I can't see! My god! I'm burning up! It feels good. Heat! Toes! thank god I can feel them
again! Heat of glorous heat.
Mama please take me to school. You can do it. You're strong and big and tough and ... come on please. Oh, thank you!
I climb inside and Mama starts. She jumps drifts, plows through streets, and fought the wind. She got me through thick and thin, and asked only for a drink. Thank you!
Then a normal day. Say la vie!
*Mama is not my mother. It was the car I first drove. An Emperial Station Wagon. A V-8 powered tank that was impossible to destroy :)*
A beautiful portrayal of emotions, and the damage and happyness the Beast can cause.
This moving picture of beauty and the Beast portrayed both sides to my Beast and the people we
want to tell, but are afraid to hurt.
The side that cares, wishes to love, and relate. The compasion, love, want, the desire to protect
those people you love.
"I care for you, I love you, and I don't want to hurt you, but this is the way I am. And I can't help
it."
The side that is sure, that lusts, that cares only for satisfaction, the total yet caring id. Lust, desire,
satisfaction, a one-night-stand, my fantasies.
"I am what I am. I don't denie it. I like your body, come on lets have fun. No, you won't see in the
morning, or ever again."
The people, there hurt, hatred, caring, understanding?
"You hurt me! I cared for you! Now you tell me it was all a lie. How dare you! Can't we work it
out. I know we can! We love each other. No, you're right. you are as you are. If you say you can't
change you probably can't. I don't know what you think. I ... I do love you!"
I love too. Only differently. I think most people are only scared at first. Scared because they don't
understand. Which isn't fair! Because it makes it harder for us to let out our feelings. We have
feelings! We are people! We really aren't any different!
Oh, God. I really am confused. I know who, and what I am, I won't denie it any longer. But I have
to put up a fasod constantly, because I know others won't except it.
I am people! I am no different than I ever was, and I never will be any different.
I care for you! Don't get me wrong. I care, and love you all, as my friends. and you are the best set
of freinds I have ever had. And I love you for it!
I'm sorry I had to lie to you all like this. I didn't want to. My caring for you're feelings forced me to
do so. If only I could have found one strong enough to tell. I tested you all, and to my dismay, none
passed. So I kept quiet. I never really lied to you, I never really said I implyed for you to take as
you would. I never lied, but I feel as though I have by not telling . . truth.
Why do I feel that way? Why? I shouldn't have to. Why do I feel like a low life everytime I catch
myself, and restrain myself, and analys my every move just so I won't hurt you. Funny, I feel guilty
for caring enough to protect you from me.
Being on the brink as it is, I need my friends, very much. And I know if tell them, I'lll lose them all,
or they'll never act the same, even though I will.
I will never act any different! You will only know more! And thus you will act different. Why?!
. . . . I'm the Same!
Why do I say sorry after every fantasy? I shouldn't have to. But I do because I feel as though I'm
dirt, because I hurt someone. So I say sorry for some of the greatest moments in my life.
Damn the narrow minded Society which restrains the Beast! And Damn me for calling him a Beast.
I'm sorry to him, I only called him what society called him. I call him Me from now on. And I damn
Society, not my friends, they can't help how Society controlls them. Damn Society!
*I don't know what movie this was. I have a suspicion it was "Making Love"*
Snow falls, and falls, and falls.
Snow, Snow go away, come back some other day (Say in July as rain)
I am what I am. The same as Death is death, life is eperience, dark is dark, light is light, and all
encompases everything.
Sorrow is sorrow, shock is shock, disbeliefe, and betrayal. It all comes together when the Bullet hits
the Bone.
the bullet sears the flesh, nerves report pain, the brain responds, you scream, you gasp, you die.
News of me could the same.
Me going Mad! Me - uhm going quiet (ha! ha! ha!) hyper!
Me write-uhm fast! Hyper!
Cold, fast, Hyper!!!!!!!
*This actually went down as the ! got larger. The last Hyper was also underlined about a dozen times in a scribble that ran off the page.*
Wing-go! Wing-go! Wing-go!
The old white haired gentelman turned into the beast I first thought he was. 7 foot tall, white fur all
over, with power mind and muscle.
I came to class prepared for a fight. But not for this!
We clashed head-on!!!!! We locked horns and battled, Pitting mind against snews!
The white beast pushed me to the limits. The limits of time, history, beauracracy, government and
my mind!
The adrenilen flowed, my mind ached, and my stomach quit!
Then the bell rang, all sighed. Now the white beast stands as stern old judge in white robes. He
looks checks, sighs, wieghts, and writes.
"The verdict is . . . . . . . !"
Bam!
I've been in a cacoon. solid warn, encompasing. I've been growing, waiting for my release. I await
the doctors scapel. he shall examen, cut open and cut free.
Freedom even the thought stimulates my ideas and actions.
I can't wait to be set free. the antisapation kills!
©1997 December (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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