Book 1 1982 October 1 to 1983 June 8
Live and Let Die.
So die you god damn Beast and let me live.
=No! Your mine to minipulate and controll. Mine! Do you hear!"
"No! I, am, me, ego and Super-ego! The Id must exist but we over power you.
"The I concept of me through others. The Me, concept of my self, the all powerful Damon
D'artagnon Killgrave. The Ego, the controll, or referee over you and the Super-Ego. the Ego is Me
and I. The Super-Ego is your nemisis and counter.
"We controll, not you, leave!"
=You forget, You can't live with out me. You'd go insane!=
=';'We Deny you, Beast of Id. You are banished. Leave! or be subjegated';'=
=Try and imprision me, try and be with out me. You'll have me back!=
The swine, I hate those that are contantly right. I have the key, dare I turn it in the lock? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Click.
The Beast roars and reaches through the bars, his black hands reaching.
What do you say, to a man whose dieing slowly? A cancer eats away at him, there's almost nothing
left.
What do you say?
I'm sorry you live in tottal agony, but you never told anyone. That was the cure you know."
But the cure kills the others, infest them so I seem like a lyper! *leper*
Don't let me or the Beast touch me, or I'll die and you'll be scared for life. And its an ugly scar, on
you and to me.
God Damn the Beast!
Enter Change, he walks slowly, just like he said he would. But acasionaly he cheats with a leap or bound that I didn't see.
Change is in league with the Beast, though behind bars, every step of Change makes the Beast larger and more powerful.
Fantasy, my glimering commrade. He is still dieing, against my will, because of Change. Although he is reluctantly kept alive by the Beast.
Behind Bars lies the wretched black Beast, yet from there he minipulates, gains friends, converts my allies, and still toys with me.
No ones left, not even love who was perverted by the Beast.
I can't even see my friends, Death Dealer, Calm Struggling Alien, the Mirror, the Empath, the Indian in Black, or the Out Spoken Drum, with out the shadow of the Beast over me.
I need thicker bars, yet bars are its freinds, it dosen't help. God Damn it, help, the Beast has Blinded me to all!
"Help me!" I yelled, no one cared.
"I am!" I cried, no one listened
"Let me Be!" I said, to one there.
The Idiot bombards me with narrow minded contradicitons.
Death Dealer is to distant to understand or help.
The Mirror is just the same.
Life is caving in on me!
I float, deaf, dumb and Blind in an obis *abys*. Sucked in all direction and repealed *repeled?* by
all.
Only ... only the Beast draws me in.
He . reminds . me
He . repulses . me
He .disguists .. me
He . . . .is . . .. me
He . . holds . . me
He . grows in .me
He . . fights . . me
He . . resists . .me
I would rather die before he takes over, kill me please!
The man in Black with a Beast in his Soul walks quitely down the street. All see the Man and come,
then see the Beast and flee. Though caged, he is still terifing. And once seen, no one can look past
him to me.
I Count More than He!
"I am!" I cried to on one there and no one listened, not even the chair . . . . . . . or the Beast!
Its different now. It used to be in my dreams I was the one hurt, maimed, or killed. Now its the
others who are hurt, mained, or killed while I sit by helplessly.
Death Dealer, I'm sorry, I would give anyting to die in your stead, in my dream, and in true life. I
would die that you must surrive.
Future Shock! Robots, humans, buildings, instability.
All were so closed minded as to yell and become sick at two persons commitment to love each
other.
I was frozen in a chamber along one other that yelled.
We thawed and steped out, I bubbled over with glee at the sights I saw. She screamed and died.
How do you imprision a Beast with no bars?
The Beast is caught, his influnce isn't gone, but he is caught. And sealed without bars in a sphere.
Other wise my mind seems to run a blank devoid of thoughts aside from adventures of fantasy in my mind.
Is that all I'm worth now?
Fantasy?
I'm building a prison, of bricks. A prison of Wall to Wall walls.
Momma should I drop the bomb, should I hold it in, Momma should I build the wall.
Click! Chunk! Thunk! Click!
All in All, you're just a'nother Brick in the Wall. All in All you're just a'nother Brick in the Wall.
The Wall. The Wall! Walls!
I Don't need no drugs to calm me down, I don't need no smoke to fill my lungs,
I am .... I am ... I an a Brick.
Im off to war, wearing labratory faces from far away places. And Im a genuis genuis and i believe in
All and I believe that All believes in Clod thats Me! thats Me. Thats me! Thats Me!!
Death, destruction, desiese, Murder, Evil, Power, Decpetions, Lies, Sidorder, Chaos, All things.
These are all just ... Bricks in the Wall. life is just a prison, a prison of Wall to Wall walls.
Deseptions, lies, lies, lies,
Double deseption, lies, lies, lies
Violence, hurt, kill, destroy
Chaos, hurt , kill, destroy
Death, Deseption, die, chaos
Double death, chaos, deseption, die
Wall, block, barrier, brick
Walls, bolcks, bricks, barriers
. . . Wall
*A picture fills the rest of the page. When the scanner works I'll add it. It is of a screaming head
emerging from a wall with bricks labeled as 'Lies, death, chaos, Hurt, Drugs, Violence, Deception,
Envy, Injustice, Truth (a very small brick), Destruction, Greed, Pain, Hope (another very small
brick), Hate, Madness, and Me'
As you may have noticed - I like to quote songs that come close to my heart. Pink Floyd's "The
Wall" and the reprise from the musical "Hair" are featured in this one.*
Trust VS Mistrust
Autonomy VS Shame and Doubt
Initiative VS Guilt
Industry VS Inferiority
Ego VS Id
Intaimacy VS Isolation
Generativity VS Stagnation
Integrity VS Despair
Courage VS Envy
Purity VS Hatred
Humility VS Pride
Honesty VS Injustice
Diligence VS Laziness
Cherity VS Greed
Fedility V selfishness
Damon Killgrave VS The Beast
The music is loud the lights are dark. My mind expands through the universe pondering questions of
life and death.
Tick ... Tick .... Tick ..... Tick ...... Tick ....... Tick ........ Tick ......... Tick ..........
Everything slows down and becomes warped by view. Then the Beast roars from his cage and tries
to sieze hold of my mind.
"Back, you canibalistic outcast of Dionysus! Back!"
=You are fool! You can't win! You can't!=
"I can! And I will! I am! You are the one behind bars. You are imprisoned, Not I!"
=Look again.=
No! It isn't possible! How did this happen. He only appeared trapped within the Lybernth of my
mind, he is on the other side of the side of the wall. But on the outside! I was the one trapped inside
the whole time! I am the one trapped.
The ultimate Houdini. Can I escape my own mind and then put the Beast in my place. Can one fight
death, then himself, and put himself in his place.
The escape Begins. I struggle against the cold boney fingers of my prision. The golowing spherical
skull laughs and sings;
"Goody Goody two-shoes, whatcha' do you don't drink don't smoke whatcha' do ya' don't don't
drink don't smoke whatcha' do must be something inside outside." *Adam Ant song*
Death mocks me with a pure life knowing I not pure. Damn him. He makes it more difficult. Yes! of
course. Fight pure Death with impure life. Teach me to Think Merlin!
Free! now to run the gauntlet in the Lybernith and be free my mind. Dodge, duck, move cross the
viod, aviod the confussion mass, climb the writers block to find .... No! . . . . . . . . . .
The Beast makes it difficult. he controlls the area of the mind I must now cross, but I find his abode
repulsive and unbearible. Because of the temptation he offers that I resist. Ha! Hell is for children,
this is for adults.
Temptations. I'm right here, take me, use me, everyone does it, come on, take me, use me.
No! shut it out of your mind. Close your eyes, and run! Run like hell! Dodge, duck, avoid!
There the edge of the domian a wall of bars. They were warm and moist to the touch, but easily
steped through. All I hear is laughter. I run.
Free! But the Beast, where is he.?
=Here fool. Inside your mind prison!=
"You're caught and kept. I win!"
=Wrong fool! You showed me the way out! Thesus just provided the Minotaur with a path of string
out of the Lybernth! Ha! Ha!=
"Damn all that is Beast! I Hate you! Hate!"
=You love, boy, love nothing else.=
*This a good example of how someone may disassociate their Homosexuality into something separate that haunts them. Then how the self loathing could be turned to anything that reminded them of it. It is a very fine line. This is why many homosexuals actually go through a phase of hating or 'Bashing' of other gays. Fortunately I didn't cross that line. I merely fought with my own mind, but the self hate is quite evident.*
The cave is dark and damp. The space is little and very cramped. Ancient alphebets surround me,
old archaic letters and phrases.
Suddenly there is a cracking noise. There is a tremer and time leaves its normall boutndryes and
washes over me like an ocean and the Cave crumbbles and falls down around me. I'm trapped.
And I must work hard to get out.
Ta'Pou lead me, Sarik, help me. Vulcan command mode must be engaged if the work load
continues. The Idiot my be hurt, try to avoid this.
"Captian Killgrave, step aside."
"No. By Federasion Law I have 24 hours!"
"I grant 12, before switching to vulcan Command mode."
"All right V'anth 12 hours!"
All waits for zero hour.
Blood from a distance is drawn by the hart to new blood. There is an exchange of oxygen. Then eventually, the blood separates to go in its own missions and job. But it was refreshing, the Beast had nothing to do with it. *Homework in biology - school work in general gave my mind something else to dwell on*
Soon comes the pleasant darkness of meditation, the dreams and an escape from reality. Dreams are a blessing. Long live Fantasy! May the Beast . . Rot in Hell!
New faces, New people, new faces on old people, and good friends.
Today I went out and saw and heard of people getting high for the Christmas season.
New people- Have a cigeret, have a joint, have a drink, get bashed!
It's Christmas.
New faces- "Let's have some fun!" drink, smoke, get high. "Lets party!" get stone drunk, I don't want to be able to stand.
New faces on old people- In came the bearded short man, making himself at home, cursing like a
sailor and setting down his whiskey and rye. You were so nice, a fun person. "Get bashed!
It's Christmas."
I got high, I got bashed, but I did it proper. I got together with good friends and on candy canes, cold fresh air, and life we got high. High of life and laughter!
We enjoyed, we partied, we laughed.
"Lets have a party proper. We'll play game, listen to music, and laugh."
Yes. We will do it right. Christmas and other hollidays are not an excuse to get "drunk", "high" or
"Bashed."
Christmas is the time of giving not getting drunk.
Yes. We will do it right. We'll get High on life and laughter, the best things in the world and universe. Nothing junking your system, but you're enjoying yourself to the fullest. Its the Best, Better than anything.
Let the other figure out what they're doing wrong. They don't listen to right anyway.
Everything comes about, all is explained. Aticapation attracks attension. Work is set aside, temprarily. All is done.
8212.25 Christmas *drawing of Holly - three berries and two leaves*
I got! I got! I got!
I gave! I gave! I gave! this made me feel better the recieving of Thanks was better than recieveing
gifts (In some cases =Teh-hee=)
Nearing the end of the 4 cycle, 6 cycles and I'm released.
Blood and I talked, and talked. Christmas is a good time.
I'm at the Death Dealers house, home, and shelter. The mirror left, for reasons of grit.
The Beast bothers me much and inhibeted conversasion for a time. I must figure away to trap him a
new, trap him not me, and not show him the way out. He bothers me not now, thank god, I have
him supressed. *Inhibited converstaion. That means either they were talking about women and I
had no comment or they were talking about wrong 'fags' are and I had no comment.*
"God loves, man kills." a powerful truth of the way man is heading and would probibly do is such a thing arose. "Be calm child. They're only words!" "Suppose he'd called me a Nigger-Lover, Stevie?! Would you be so Damn tolerant then?!!" * 'God Loves - Man Kills' a graphic novel (a big comic book) that dealt with the hate of man toward other men. It mirrored a nazi germany type situation in the US focused on Mutants (or Super Heros). The lead characters are the X-Men.*
The Damn Beast is no different that a mutant capiblity.
All but mutants would hate me, and perhaps the mutants wouldn't except the Beast.
Montenegro! The lover of a Loony. She killed him, and her family.
The Beast! The killer of my soul my arch-foe and enemy of all.
I looked out the window and a flash of white struck my eyes and I was Snow Blind.
"The jewels make you more of what you are."
The Mirror dropped the jewel, out of fear.
"No not more of what you are physically. More of what you are mentally."
The Morror picks up his and I drop mine. Never would I evoke such a battle.
The Death Dealer evoked the oath and became a Machine of Death. Perfect physicaly and the
ability to create weapons of red energy from his mind.
The Mirror followed suit, and became a mirror. The ability to fight anyone to a stale-mate by
creating the same or opposite ability of his oppenet.
I took courage and then recited the oath. Pain as I split into a million people which fought each
other until only the Beast and Damon D'artagnon Killgrave stood and fought, until my mind burned.
*Here I go creating Hero's in my friends image and Villains in mine. I have these heroes and villains in my books of characters.*
Some can, Some can't, Some Don't Even try.
I can, The Beast can't, the Rest Of Me Doesn't Even Try.
The Mind is like .... like ....
What is white, has no sides, bottom, top or lock yet holds a treasure gold ---
Some times the Monsters of the mind are more frightening the ones that are real.
The shell cracks under presure and the insides can be scrambled without a thought. The object is so
very very fragile.
The Beast lived nobley next to the King and his knights. Perhaps I can to, but I hope the Knights don't fight and alow the King to Die as it happened here, Camelot.
And the Indian who spoke not a word, yet was the best to the King dethroned, to Death.
Vampires return, but with a twist. They're guided by a wizard and a mage, both hate "the undead
scum!"
I fight for my un-life and the lives of my freinds made gods.
Mordrex and Black hawk guide me and plot my down fall. I'll fly into the night and fool them. They
won't rekill me.
The Beast has done that enough!
Here it comes! On, great expectations. 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... 8301.01 It's here!
Big deal, its no different thean the last. i feel the same. I live, I laugh, I love, I will learn.
My problems consist, my work continues, and the Beast hasn't Died.
Failed, succeed yet, finish, start, stop, start again.
Presssure, Freud, Erikson, drawings.
Logic, cold, emotion, warm,
Warm yes, I freeze. Let the knights ride, let the gods fend, let villians reproduce.
Let me live in peace!
The wire cliped, the door sliped.
Live and let die. *diagram of the musical progression of the song*
Nostradomus says so, let it be.
Drought, famine, man eats man, Middle east, 3rd ACt.
Napoleon, Hisler and the topsy tervery cross, The the Blue Turban. War! devistation for seven and
twenty years Then peace by Democrats and Commons.
A golden Age then total destruction.
Live and let die. *diagram of the musical progression of the song*
I failed the work, missed the wire, bashed by a wall. Back to school, back to the death of a spirit.
Back to the foul Beast.
Run Damn it! Run! or lose your life! Live and let die!
Thiwp! Thiwp! Thiwp!
All in the draw of the cards
The fool dies strugleing!
Live and let die!
Damn!
Working all
Night on Paper.
work and presure ease, but renews its self for a new attack yet perhaps not a viciously. The half
year will eand soon and presure will begone, briefly.
Ideas swell in my head and on my paper but backed up in a clog of time.
pictures done, person leaving.
I have a hole in my soul
I just a Marrienett, but don't pull my strings or I'll tangle you faster than hell and give you hell.
"Only the sharpest teeth surrvile, boy!" *I think that should be 'survive'. Also, this entry was very
light so I changed the color here to match*
Ever have one of those days. Loki and I rode in Mama for hours on end looking for the shop that
repairs eyes and when we found it, it was closed.
And I also seemed to have miss placed my mind.
And I forgot what else I was going to say.
Time closes in again, presure begins to mount.
I've yet to read two masters, a group of future heros, an encyclopedia of heros, and the reson a
man played god to a far supierior monster and learn how to be a creul sailor. It will be done. It
must.
*These references to a sailor are a homework assignment that I didn't like. It was in Drama class and I and a guy I really didn't like (hated would be a better word) where assigned to do a scene from the play "Billy Bud". I didn't like the play or either of the roles either. I wasn't fond of the idea of performing in front of the class either. Guess this trashes the stereo-type of all gays being in theater class and loving the stage*
I failed to learn of the scientist/god and his monster of fiction.
So vulcan command mode will probilby take over for by 8301.19-21 I must review and know all. For the tests of all knowledge come. The earth equivlent of Kolenare. *Finals!*
Odin help me, guide me to the fountain of wisdom and let me take a sip.
Thoth guide me, help me with your words.
Zues, Athena guide my will.
Let all be picture perfect, let fiction guide science to form history, acted out in one's own mind.
Let it work! I will prevail!
The horrid monster runs rampant in my mind. But he leaves me no knowledge. Earht Kolenar
comes, the end of the half year comes.
And so does freedom!
All falls flat! The minds past presses as a sailor falls.
I hate Bill Bud, but I hate Claggart more!
Gods, pictures, history, psychology, Drama, all coming, gone, on, or working for. For Gypsys know nothing of school.
I eat hardily of my own flesh and dream of baptisms of Blood and guts, fire and ice, hevan and hell,
Chaos and order.
My pictures, I fear have failed. Though my sailor behaves.
Modern dreams face my mind while the Gods asalt my person.
I'm on a search, I'm looking for you for I'm hungry as a Wolf. Mal nod and the Beast are hunted.
| Back | Journal Gateway | Forward |
©1997 November (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)