Book 1 1982 October 1 to 1983 June 8

8211.2Ø

confusion, Chaos, mass hesteria!
Order took a walk and reason left me with the book/ manuel.

Confusion, numbers, words that said nothing, charts I can't read!

Fantasy. I human travell and journey through a dungeon. Why an I trapped? Why am I here? Who is that? What is that? How do I get out?!
Ahhhhh!
Confusion!

Help me Deathdealer!
Take me from this Chaos.

"Are you sour you can't cope?"
I'm sure! please take me from this.
"It is done. I help my freinds"
Please help me, thankyou.
I my never enter this stiuation again.

*I think this dealt with my trying to learn how to GM D&D. The math and I didn't get along. This of course left Marc to GM almost all the time. I have since learned to Gm some games. The less math involved the better. I'm good running characters and figuring out how the story should go.*

8211.22 . . .Opps! Sorry

. . T-MINUS 5 SECONDS
. . MEETING OF MINDS
. . SPIECIMEN . . . . . . . . . . .or
. . THE SHADOW
Which will it be? Which will I become intamately involved in while illustrating my own work?
I like them all. the Shadow may not make it, maybe concidered magic and not Sci-Fiction.
Will it be;
Tick, tick, tick , Boom or the force of telekineses and gods or Tear, mutelate, kill, and die in return.
I wait . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

*I was trying to decide the subject of a creative writing assignment. The Shadow was a character of mine (not related to the old Radio/ Classic comic version which I was unaware of at the time). Meeting of Minds was about a telekinetic battle which I ended up using as a project in art class as a comic book. Specimen is the one I used. It was Science Fiction / Horror short story about a Human abducted by aliens - tortured and dissected until death. Then the pieces came to life and killed the alien crew - told from the aliens perspective so you didn't know the specimen was human until the end. I don't remember to other one.*

8211.23

Tell ya' a dream that I have at Night ------ *song quote*
Phsyco babble * 'Psycho Babble' is the name of the song*
I had a phsyco battle
I meet myself in a tunnel or a corridor. He removes his headband and I watch his head explode and the blood drip between my fingers.
I scream and I fall a great distance down the corridor.
The He catches me and drops me to the ground. I kick him, I hear bones snap. I slap him and his face falls off to show a hairy fanged beast, which is me.
Phsyco babble
Phsyco battle
Oh! Powers that be!
Let me stand revealed and naked before one true freind. Let my mask be pealed off! Let my guise fly! Let Me Be!!!!!!
Who am I truely?
My God even I can not lift the visage off my being, I can't see through it either!
Dream! I must Dream!
Let me reveal me through Dreams! I'll know me Yet! I will! I will!
Let the power of Dreams strip me and reveal me as I truely am! Let me see!

8211.24

My work soiled by unsavory feet, the Death Dealer offers help.
My work, worthless because of remark, the Death Dealer understands.
The day has been good yet worthless in all ways, beside time spent with freinds.
To much sanity may be madness, yes, but to little is unverving and unsatisfiying.
But I agree, the madest of all is to see life as it is, and not as it should be.
Things considered too real are unreal, Reality is too real, why face it?
I dreamt I was a beast. Is that who I really am? I don't think so. I'll probe deeper to night. Bring out the "Heavy metal."

Death Dealer, Damn me for thoughts I have but don't want.

8211.25 Thanks giving

I'm thankful for all I have. Life, friends, ablity and all.
I be at the Death Dealer's home, and I stay the night. I'm taken into a temporary home, I am thankful again, and allways will (or should) be.

The room is wood in appearance with doors and passages. The weapons of his trade hang like trophys on his walls with the vicous killer tiger standing gaurd over the Dealer of Death (as if he needed a gaurd).

Be all thankful for All!

I'm out to learn the ways of Death.

8211.26

this is Unquie!

8211.27

This seems to be the Age of the Great and unquie man.
The minstrel Billy Joel is one such person as I hear honestly now.
Closer to home the Calm struggling alien, his power has him running against a Nation.
And the Death Dealer. A "jack of many trades". He is a master, at weapons, art, controlling a game and making a game. The previous entry was actually writen this morning at 1:30AM while;
Garret and Damon Killgrave (army buddys, both elves) are treking across dessert and dense forest toward Dead Cell and Outpost 5 (a milatary outpost in the year 5306) to battle and encounter wizards, creepy crawlies, spiders and stop the mad plans of the Mad Brigand General Malnod. I, a netral good, am somewhat savage and will kill, but allways striving to do good.
Garret, the Death Dealer and playing a netral evil, did anyting he pleased to suit him and guide me into exerince of this world.
Damn spiders nearly killed me but they made me stronger and raised me a great level, from 1 to 2 did I hop by running from and killing spiders and spider-men.
Now the game is disjoined as we ride into the wasted shore land of the polluted lake ----------
What do I run into next?

8211.28

the void is ended and the week crawls up to me. Monday comes up and monster work rides on him. I dread mondays after a vacation.

The Calm struggling Alien came by today for a visit. We droped into a comicbook fantasy and enjoyed ourselves throughly.

The rest of the weekend was spent with Death Dealer. I over at his abode then he at mine. He read many of my thoughts from this book. I think he's a better freind now than before, because he knows how I think. I hope to start him a journal so I can see how he thinks. It would be interesting to see into friends mind, and share a type of intamacy never before expiranced. It would be good.

*Don't you believe it! Having friends read your journals will cause more problems then good 95% of the time. Unless you have control over what they are reading (guaranteed Marc only one or two entries and only the ones I let him. Most of the time they focus on the bad things said not the good. Not to mention most of the time when people write in journals they are trying to express feelings they can't express any other way. ... Like being angry or confused or even gay.

Having a friend you can tell anything to is great! At this time in my life I had friends that I felt I could tell anything to except my being gay. Do you know how big a part of your life your sex drive is at 16?!? That is a lot to leave out.*

8211.29

Test, test boggle my mind! help me please the mind test comes. The monster tries to devoure!

8211.30

"The end is near" cried the assassin in the Death Dealers soul. I just found he has many of the same problems to deal with as do I. Its good to know you're not alone in a desperate struggle. However, he doesn't have to deal with the beast, there I do stand alone, for now, or maybe forever. I hope I stand alone here forever. I wish not to encounter a person with my problem, or a twisted life like mine. May I stand alone! May I be the only one. Save the others. Save them! Let me harm them not!

8212.01

It was a nice autum day not to hot, not to cold. I was wearing my black jaket, shirt, pants, boots, and headband.
I'm dressed in black, the color assosiated with deseption, running. Running at a brisk steady pace, when I hear my name called. I trun to see the Death Dealer, in a white and black jogging suit, trying to catch up with me.
I slow down, watching the Death Dealer catching up to me, when I trip over an old broomstick laying in the street. I regain my balance and the Death dealer chuckled slightly.
We jog for an hour before we stop in a clearing of the forest of life. We lie down and rest while laughing at the Death dealers dirty jokes, which, for some reason, I didn't really think were funny. I cursed myself, for the beast wouldn't let me laugh.
Then the beast began to grab hold of my mind. I cursed the beast and myself again. But the thoughts the beast put in my mind were so vivid they scared me.
Then the Death Dealer pulled out two staffs and tossed me one. We practiced the staff until I paried wrong, when the Beast clawed my brain, and I smashed the fingers on my left hand. I droped the staff, held my hand to my stomach and knelt down to cry, not from the pain but the beast.
The Death dealer knelt down beside me and took my hand.
"Let me see thy wound."
I looked the Death dealer in the eye and the beast clawed my mind and tainted my vision with vivid pictures I despised seeing. Then I looked at the Death Dealers smooth, long, artful, and kind hands holding my brusied, calusused, chaffed, and crooked left hand, the hand of the Beast.
That was my last emotional straw, I couldn't take anymore. I pulled my hand away and fleed into the forest truth.
As I fleed the green trees sprouted long snaky fingers with thorns. The thorns of truth to rip away the deseptions around me. I tore away my deseption in shreds and chunks. I looked behind me to see the Death Dealer running after me, the thorns of truth sparing him the agony.
Then just a few yards away I saw a white, clear bubble. I dove inside the bubble to find I had been stripped of my clothes, and then to be attacked by a tottaly black being. He sized my arm and dragged me out of the bubble to meet the oncoming Death dealer. He saw the Beast holding me in his grasp and turned to the forest which gave him two shi made of the truth thorns. *Btw' I don't think I ever learned to spell any of the martial weapons before writing about them. This is a SAI*
"Don't let ... - ... - ... -" I stumbled for the right pronoun, and as painful as it was I settled on
"Me! Don't let me touch you! Don't let me touch you!"
The Death Dealer advanced and thrust the point into the beast, but nothing happens, for truth can't hurt the Beast, it IS the truth.
Then the beast began to reach out, trying to touch the Death Dealer. I took controll! I couldn't let the beast touch the Death Dealer, I couldn't!
I siezed the beast's hands and wrestled him to the ground, then beat him with a stick.
"Get back in my Mind!" I yelled.
"Get back in or better yet, go away and leave me and my freinds alone! Its your choose! Bother no one, or just me! Choose!"
The the beast vanished but I felt him in my mind. He chose me, but he won't stop trying to touch others.
I turned to the Death Dealer revieled, and wondering what to do or say next.
But the Death Dealer saved me. He took the shi of truth thorns and gouged his face, yet it left no mark or scar.
"You see?" he said "the truth doesen't hurt me. And if it should, I still heal fast with no wound. However, I am all so patient, don't rush in with your thorn."
I then reached forward and grabbed the shi he stabed the beast with and said,
"That's normal thorns, this is what is mine, truth stained by blood. It my sting, wound, and probbally a bad scar. I wouldn't want to try it on you!"
The Death Dealer smiled and led me home to safty and security in his presence.

*This is about an instance of physical contact that started thoughts in my head I didn't want to have. Death Dealer (Marc) often tried to teach me how to fight. In this instance I'm sure it happened just as described - I smashed my fingers in a staff fight. However, when he came to help me I pulled away because I was confusing caring and love. Also the difference between the love of friends and the want of a lover. This was far from the first or the last such instance. My friendship with Marc started out as a big learning experience in drawing the lines of right and wrong in both mental and physical relationships.*

8212.02

the Idoit. Attached to me like a leech. I can put up with him, and I feel I must, for he believes me his only freind.
The Idoit is narrow minded, paranoid, stubborn to other peoples oppinions, shallow, and carries on with Science-Fiction fantasys that contradict each other by Peace and war, Science and fantasy, and contains improbibility with impossibility.
He is an inferrior, for obvious reasons.

*This sounds harsh (and it is) but to give it some context - Have you ever had a friend that you really don't like but because that person is so utterly friendless, and you sympathize - even have common interest - but, you just don't have the heart to tell them how you really feel? This is one of those people.*

8212.03

The night before captivity is allways fun. Lazer lasted until four till twelve. I'm raised a level in a game and with my freind the Death Dealer.

But I will be rudly awakened by the Dominator in the Dominator city. The only good will last an hour, I will watch the Calm Struggling Alien run, and run hard.
But the rest is the Dominator! Killgrave spits on the lighning spike then throws a perfect shot through the skull. Then Killgrave vanishes into the fantasy world of fame!

8212.04

The Death Dealer sit in a blank room meditating and contemplating. Death Dealer wears the traditional black ninja suit holding the Katona (samuri sword) in his ringed fingers resting on his lap.
Then Garrot appears before him. Garrot snaps his fingers to bring the Death Dealer out of his trance, the Death Dealer doesn't flinch, but was always awayre of Garrot's moves. Garrot pull his shi and puts it to the Dealers neck. Death Dealer suddenly jumps to life swinging his sword against Garrots shi.
"What do you wan't of me when you are me? You can't exist here Garrot!"
"Nobody tells me what I can and can't do! I'm here to give you a warning."
"You're master?"
"No One! I was sent by Damon Killgrave and the man in black with the beast in his soul."
"Your message?"
"Observe!"
Garrot then swings his shi at a blank wall wihich sprang to life with grim visions of Damon D'artagnon Killgrave strapped to the wall in an X by the Dominator.
The Dominator tries to Dominate, but Killgrave won't give in! Damon is tempted to release the Beast; which would destroy all who he touched, who once released is never again subdude.
"The Beast will never be free! But when will I give in to the Dominator?
. . When the Bullet hists the Bone?
. . The Hatchet hits the head?
. . The Bullet bites the Brain?
. . When all is dead?"
The image fades and turns to the face of the Man in Black with the beast in his soul. Screaming under the power of the Beast and the Dominator. Screaming and bleeding he lye helpless at the feet of beast yet resisted the Dominator.
Then all stopped and the Dealer turned to find Garrot gone, vanished with image.
Was it true, was it a lie?
"All was true. Though, unfortunatly, you can doo nothing. I still struggle though the Bullet hit the Bone! I haven't enough sence to give up or die..

What does it mean? Why do I conjure such and image? Why envolve a freind who can do nothing? Why?!
Pieces of me die, yet the whole surrvives, ... why?

8212.05

I'm gaining on 'General" Magore the mad Brigand!
I will have him dead, or I'll die tring.
Plotting, devising, talking, contriving a friendship trip.
Work! splended yet bone breaking and over powering Work! Seven men must wait for two men turned gods.

8212.06.

I am a being of pure fiction, a blind prophet, seeing the future yet blind to the present.
. Hercules will is my strength
. Achilles courage is my strength
. Zeuses judgement is my will.
. Herme's cunning is my weapon
. Apollo's truth is my shield
. Aphrodites love is mine to share with the whole world.
I am a composite. A Part may die yet the whole will live.
Life, she spit in my face.
Death wiped the moisture from me and sent me on. He is my gaurdian against she. She is limited he is infininite. He gives all but takes only once.

I sympathyize with the Calm struggling Aliens brother. He lies in a healing place, with tubes in his arm, and pnemonia in his lungs.
I fell so bad when I complain, and see those worse off who don't complain.
I sympathize Alien soul brother, I sympathize.

8212.07

the questions run to deep for such a simple man. I'm not Logical.

8212.08

I had things to say, then I forgot the remember them.

Telekenises - defined - the ability to emit an intangable force from the mind at any density. Most common perception - a push, pull, and lift force, most true
. . two classifacations - 1st a force emmited from the mind (not considered ESP (extra-Sence)
. . 2nd the ability to feel things with the mind by emmiting the force, possiblity to move objects also (considered ESP because of the "feel" sensation an extra-sence)

"Am I gifted or cursed!?" yelled the being at no one in particular.
"Am I God or Man!?" he queeried.
"I have a gift, power or ability to powerful to use, to powerful not to use. I want to help but my power corrupts, because power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely."
"Wrong!" yelled back god.
"Power does not corrupt," god said, "Power only makes you more of what you are. You were corrupt, thus the power made you more corrupt."
"Who are you that gives this advice?"
"You're superior!"
"My superior?! How do you cope with the power? What do you do?"
"I make worlds, I made earth."
"You made earth? You didn't do worth Shit!"

8212.09

. . Honor, what does it mean?
Tap!
. . Death, what is it?
Tap!
. . Friendship, whaaat binds it?
Tap!
. . Dignity, what is it?
Tap!
. . Honor, Death, Freindship, Dignity
Tap!
. . Honor; a feeling
Tap!
. . Death; a concept
Tap!
. . Freindship; a bond
Tap!
. . Dignity; a vanity
Tap!
. . Honor, usless, it gets you nothing
Tap!
. . Death, inevitable, it must come.
Tap!
. . Freindship, a must, for the mind.
Tap!
. . Dignity, worthless, acheives nothing
Tap!
. . Death and Dignity
Tap!
. . Friendship and Honor
Tap!
. . Freindship
Tap!
. . Death
Tap!
. . the loss of all inoccents in Death
Tap!
. . the chance to grow in Freindship
Tap!
. . the peace of Death
Tap!
. . the comfort of Freindship
Tap! Tap! Tap!
. . I greive for the grown children
. . I greive for those without freinds
. . I greive because of Death and the loss of innocents.
Taps!

8212.1Ø

I am corrupt, corrupt as hell and it spreads like a cancer. Killer thoughts, thoughts of death and murder, self wounds and cold blooded murder. I fear power because it will make me more so, and deadly.
Other thoughts, Dionysus would be descused at. Thank any god that is that I can keep the beast undercontroll.
He is partly responsible for my corruption. He prohibits my growth as an individual, and thus makes me violent.
Like being tied in a chair, escape imposible, and having a need dangeld just out of reach. You become vicous and self destructive to gain the need you can't have. God Damn the Beast. Let the Bastard die and wither.
If my friends knew what the beast was they would run and hide, oppions would change, friends lost for ever.
Oh, God let that never happen! I need friends to save me!
Death Dealer help me over-come the Beast and flush out the corruption. Dealer spit upon the Beast, which you hate so anyway, and get rid of him, Kill Him, and part of me.
If the Beast bothers me tonight, I will grow very angry, and corrupt. Death Dealer and the Mirror (Bigest man I know) are freinds, I will not tolerate the Beast, or corruption.

*"Ignorance is blind, and often, unknowingly cruel" -Beverly West. You'll note that I often say the 'Beast' would destroy everything. This comes from being in a society that constantly uses terms like 'fag' as a term of hate. At this time Marc and Brian where very religiously active with their church. So there where often debates about how morally wrong homosexuality was. I did not know of anyone that didn't think this way except me. They didn't mean to hurt me, but I was being called a good friend but in my mind I was constantly maligned as something evil.
I sometimes thought I might tell someone out of anger - wanting them to run away. But I also felt that once released - released forever to destroy the good as well as the bad. This 'Beast' was my Pandora's Box - only I wasn't at all interested to see what would happen if I opened it up.*

©1997 October (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)