Book 1 1982 October 1 to 1983 June 8
I was 16 years old (a junior in High School) and starting to come to grips with being gay along with everything else teenagers deal with on a daily basis. This Journal includes the first time I recognized I was gay, said the word and told my Mother. I should also note that my Parents were 'Separated' at this time. I put it in quotes because that is not what they considered it at the time. Dad lived in Kansas City (where he worked) during the week and came home on the weekends.
Friendship followed me yelling "Tell me the truth! Tell me the truth!" His words like daggers to the mind, bounce off my quickly erected shield. An Angel on my right shoulder said, "Tell your friends the truth" while a devil on my left called reason yelled "You can't. They'd leave!"
I turned to Fellowship who said "Tell me the truth." The eye came forward from my skull against my
wishes and started *stared* at Fellowship relentlessly and said, "I can not tell you the truth my
friend, But I want to!" I yelled reclaiming the eye, "I dearly want to!" I turned my back to
Fellowship and said "But I'm afraid."
"Afraid of what dear friend?"
"Afraid I will lose you. I can not lose you. You are to Dear to me."
"Then be happy and Gay once again. I will not push what you wish not to say. I am your friend
through thick and thin. Tell me when you're ready"
"Knight takes Queen." said the man in black.
"No! Do the Die!" said the man in white, "The Die!"
The man in black frowns on tosses Death in a whirling spin. The eyes of snake peer back.
"Missed." said the man in black. The white man grabs the "Die!" and gently rolls them on the table
the numbers of the beast appears and the white man muttered
"A hit!" then picks up an octagon and rolles it gently on the table. A bloody skull peers back and the
white man said,
"Queen kills Knight, Check-mate!"
The dead of night by the Heat of light, two Bodys in ... love.
Twist, twist, Doubble twist,
Passion, greed, love, murder,
The plot thickens, the pot grows
Feelings escelate, the Heat climbs.
Bang! Bang! Doubble Bang!
passion, Greed, love, Murder
Now I leave to scan another.
.. Here I go again, false alarm?
Maybe.
.. In ... Out ... In ... Out ... In ...
.. Inside pictures, Outside checks
.. In ... Out ... In ... Out ... In ...
.. Wonder, plea, hope, wish, pray
.. In ... Out ... In ... Out ... In ...
12:14 --|
.. X-Rays, Neumo-Thorax, Pain path
.. In ... Out ... In ... Out ... In ...
.. Breath deep, inhale, exhale
.. Secratary, Nurse, Doctor, Doctor
.. Talk, talk, talk, relief
.. Oh, ... I'm fine!
----------
Halloween eve, Halloween day ghosts, whitches, demons, Him
More of the night He came home.
Dr. Jeckell the good yet corrupted Mr. Hyde the evil yet admired, the two together cursed.
"Be good or 'Bonk' 'Bonk' on the head." ... "Sutdy! Study! Study! or 'Bonk' 'Bonk' on the head."
One test down, two to go. One tomorrow, One the day after. Study, Study, knowledge, presure, conversation with friend ... Bonk! Pain, Agony ... laughter? myself and strangers laughing at pain felt in the head. My head hurts and my mouth doesn't work.
The stench, the oder, the thick choking smoke of anothers pleasure and my dis-pleasure.
The test of religion, past, over I enter the most difficult. Two see into a man, a mans mind, and thinking process.
The "AHA!" syndrome, chunking, input, central processing, out-put, forgetting long - term - memory because of a short-term-memory. I have problems to solve, and pictures two develop.
This weekend I may strike Marc with a plague.
*I think I should mention, Plague is what we called Chess with Role playing aspects to it. Trying to combine two games we liked a lot. Entry 8210.02 dealt with the same game.*
Myths, Gods, Giants, Childeren of a lesser God. Talk, panic, negitive, Gods, Adventure, A Whole Man, Subsitute, Film, Talk, visitor, Beatiful, Read, Act, Love, Clamor, Test, Mind, Difficult, Subsitute, Talk, Diss-missle, Run, Old Friend, Debate, New friend, Dark, Images, Time, Fustration, Success, Fustration, Clean, Leave, Walk, Tiered, Embarassed, Relief, Home, Food, T.V., Powers, Disapiontment, Knight, Great, Steele, Call, Good Friend, Loan, End, Journal, Oh Book, Oh Meditation, Oh Blisful Rest.
I awake in a colorfully bizarre room, with clashing colors and designs, my eyes overload. I'm hot, very hot, suddenly I feel a hot panting breath and hear a snarl. My eyes see a huge vicious cat growling over my head. I quickly jump out from under numerous sheets and covers and to my surprise found the floor not solid, but liquidous. I sink in above my head. Totally submersed I can't breath. I struggle to the top. I emerge in a room, one color, devoid of all things. I climb out of the water and look back to see the liquid simply vanish and turn into steam. I turn back to the blank room only to find it no longer blank but full of lockers and voices of men getting dressed, showering and apologizing to one another. I quickly leave the room of voices and run. Apologizing to people I don't know, and people I know, friends and enemies alike. I Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, sorry, sorry...
Death is my guide through life, and Life my guide through death. When does one truly life, when he has experienced all? or none? Must he first know what death is, before he can experience life thoroughly. "Live life now while you have the chance!" Live what? "The coward tastes death a thousand times while the courageous taste it but once!" Can you taste death more than once? Is it a good taste? or a bitter one? Oh! the questions I have, of life, death, and self ; will I ever know the answers?
Creative pennys from a good thought. I Hope Brenda enjoys a good thought.
Engineered Escape, Planned Death, the Split Infinity Plan.
Rage! Transformation, Right brain domonate, Left tries to regain control, Battle! Anger, Logic, Fantasy, Reality. Halt, calculate ... reason, controll, Emotion., Anger ... Override! Haste, waste ... after thought Prometheus save me.
I burn, I seethe, NO! Controll, logic, reason within reason. Puzzle, muze, enjoy, think, philosophize, expand, Imagine, Create, figure, Deep thought, Free flighing Spirit found.
Normalcy!
Head games, Mental Hopscotch, Mind rope skip, Pshycological Chess, Telephatic battle ship, and Mind Wrestling.
These are the deadlesst of games / Of which we all master, yet lose anyway.
Telepathic battle ship. the most destructive and wounding game.
"Your mother wears combat boots!" Shreeee! Miss.
"Your a Dunce and Idiot!" Shreeeee! Miss, but barly.
"Hey! Tinkerbell!" Shreeeee! Bam! a destructive blow to my submarine the Marc II.
Retallyation, destrucktion, Lies, Insults digging deep into the soul like a razor.
"Your as Human as the rest of us you whimp!" "Stay away from me you faget!" "Your not normal
your a freak!" "Hey! don't you ever grow, shorty!" "Those drawing Stink!" "Don't you have normal
feelings?!"
"Grow-up your a nothing!"
BAAMM!!!!
All ships are sunk. My battle ship sinks slowly into the deep, deep end. As I, the Captain of this
vessle of the mind, dive in to Save my ship, crew, and friends.
It's to late, the Damage is Done, no ship sails twice.
Thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts. I have so many thoughts. Sleep, weekend, Friend as a
Guest in my House, guesses, games, Dragons, tigers, Telepathy, the cat, my eyes my head,
wordless games and and a seconds time save. Dreams, profound, profane, How good it is to be
alive! Curl vs. Straight, headband vs. Hat, Old hat vs. New hat, Flamboant vs. Conformist.
...... The thoughts of the day.
Movie, Journal, Beast, Fun, New style.
A deadly freind came to me today and my mind to insanity and my body to death with a plauge. Then in death I learned death from my deadly freind. I learned deffence, compasion, confidence, tecnique, and a deep a beautiful soul. I am porud, very proud to call this Man my freind. I love and cherish him as such, a very good freind.
Presure handled with logic. Presure logic both about socity, both an intamate part of socity. Neighter alow you though to learn Who you are.
My friends, My wonderful friends all seem to know who they are, and even if they don't I respect them for what they are, what they really are.
My friend, Death dealer, for lack of better name, is a wonderful being, yet he sells himself short on himself. I would give anything to be him or like him. He is tempered skilled, strong, healthy, agle, creative, very artistic, and with all of this he still balances Knowledge and intelligence. He is a wonderful person, maybe one day he'll see that.
First new eyes, new mind, new thought, new image,
Now new Hair? New face?
. . Ha! Ha! Ha! Fool you all!
. . Still the same, Still unquie!
. . Still alive, full, imaginative,
. . and blessed it be, the Same!
Music and tranquility fill me. I feel sound, Sight and emotion! I am free, unbounded, tranquil!
I AM!! I am what I am, and what I choose to be!
I AM ME! AND IT IS
WONDERFUL!
8210.22 *This should be 8210.20, I obviously mis-dated it.*
The mind floats through space and time gathering knowledge on the path. Death means nothing to the Creative Imagination, to the whole.
The Uni-mind observes, and experences.
Horror, season of the Witch,
Happiness, the joy of many
Sorrow, no one came home
Fear, what will happen now?
I have many thoughts both profound and profane.
Profound; Love is like oxygen to much you get to high, not enough you're gon'na die.
Open your mind and say "AH!"
And others to long and to complecated to go into here on a short page.
Profane; Sexy is a four letter word ( so is damn, Shit, fuck, and ass?)
Flesh is beautiful! (yet so is the mind)
Manhood what is it (oops! profound)
The morning graffiti will be bear for I have nothing to say. Demon fogg ... my ... mind .....
Party Time USA FRI 8210.22
*a small note - The morning graffiti. I had a very cool English teacher that let me 'sneak' into her class room every morning and put a saying on the chalk board. I did it daily and it became known as the morning graffiti.*
I see visions of what I could be, might be, but are they visions of what I will be?
I see kind, heroic, strong, agel, compasionate, bold, healthy, better.
I live in a world of facts and reality. I should live in a world, do live in a world of Fantasy and Imagination.
I may be and will be what I see or die trying. My will, will carry me far, for it won't die.
-Tis late, near the Witching hour! I return tried and hyper from a dealer of Death. He and I chat took in a good laugh, and plot the deaths of many.
My conscience withers I will read of witches and warlocks, Mages and pages.
8210.24 and I dread the coming day for I'll miss its majority.
I changed my lead like my chain of thought. One action changed all. *lead of my pencil - that's also the reason for the color change here.*
Hermes, Mecury the master thief and lair, trouble maker supreme.
Loki, aport from Thor yet brothers. Loki the god of mischief, lies, and deseptions.
Set, the jealous brother of Osiris. god of evil and bad things, a snake or crock.
Surely there be more gods to descride the brother, bragard, Bastard.
The Skulls of the dead smile to me but tis' also a lie, a desepsion. The bragard is dead to my mind, will and being, but there in my sight. I will never escape.
I be Damned! Damned!
with visions of apple cake running threw my mind.
An Apple a Day is Okay, but this?! Geez!
. . Jokes, panks, thanks?
. . We love her we kid her
. . She loves us she teaches us
. . We thank her in unorthidox ways.
Apples, Apples, Apples, Her teachings were ... fruitful!
*I remember this like yesterday. The same teacher that let me 'sneak' in for morning graffiti was
thanked by the class by an apple - from each of us. Out of the thirty of us in the class more then half
us brought an apple. The guy that thought this up brought a bag of apples to cover the others he
knew wouldn't bring one. We covered her desk with about 40 some apples. She made Apple cake
and brought it back for us.*
Scanners in a Camel lot?
Careful a cyristaline skelitine stalks you with wolf spirits from a rose. How beatiful and Deadly from the Death Dealer.
I went to a turny of skill and my freinds won. I had the chance of a dream 3 times, I full-filled only one.
First, to swing and be skill-full, to fly and be free. Turned down, reason Embarasment & health.
Second, to help my skillful freinds. Excpeted, Over-ruled, health.
Third, to see grace and beauty at its finest, the very best, and in its simplest form. Turned down, reason, I couldn't trust myself, it would be to painfull to betray my friends, my best freinds. As I new I eventualy would.
I can't trust me!! What a pity.
* I remember this also. Marc, Brian, and many of my other friends were on the gymnastics team. I
went to one of the tournaments. We won. Afterwards they tried to 'recruit' me to the team by
offering to teach me some of the moves. At this time I am recovering from a collapsed lung and am
not supposed to do anything that will make me breath hard. After this, I offered to help put the
equipment away - again, I can't do anything will make me breath hard. As I'm talking to them the
team then heads to the locker room. I'm invited to come in continue talking - but I stayed in the hall
until they where done. Even the coach walked by and told me I could go in there, but I said no. I
was having a hard enough time dealing with my feelings and fantasies - I didn't need to know what
my friends really looked like naked. To this day I still really don't like locker rooms.*
plays of the imagination, watched with unknown friends.
The man in black with a beast in his soul, walked down a lonely alley of his mind untill he met his friends, who walked with him. Death Dealer was the first he met, a great man with an artistic soul. Then came the Biggest man I know who is similar to my friend the Calm struggling alien. Then others I call friend but may not know it. The Silent Justice, the Indian in Black, Running Urge, Out spoken drum and the rest of the Characters in my life. My friends they help me greatly. I help them all I can. I love them All.
I went to a place, a strange far away place, to watch my friends, Death Dealer, the Silent justice, the Indian in Black, and the bigest man I know, to be skillful. We did our best and did well, very well. We took second as a team. The skillful man took first all around, and all times. The Silent justice took second. All were happy but the Indian in Black.
"It looked good, but didn't feel good." I understood, but not Fully, for I am not skillful. I grieve for your loss Indian in Black, for you are a good friend.
I go to half school tomorow behind a mask and falsity. I will be but a non-existant dream of my mind. But to be a dream, even for a second, is wonderful. Wonderful.
All Hallows Eve! conjecture.
"Do it Death Dealer. Do it. Put me under, see how I react. It would be fun!"
"So be it! See the dagger of my mind grow, concentrate on my saber toothed will."
I saw the samuri sword flash through the air skillfully and lance the noise in the room to a silentes, a
deep silentence.
"The sword is my will, your will is flesh. the sword slashes flesh, you do my will!" I hear a swish and
a swelch. I scream aloud, my mind is entered. Stop, act, protect, Resist.
"You are uninjured my friend, but you do my will. Understand?" I hear a swish and a thunk. I have a
weapon, a staff, the attack is deffected. My will is sharp and alert, like Death Dealers sword, but
my instrument is blunt and breakable.
Thunk!
"Don't resist my will friend!"
Thunk!
"I will not hurt you!"
Thunk! Snap!
My staff is divided, now escimere sticks. Divided bad, two against one good!
"Who are you?"
Thunk!
"The man in black with a beast in his soul."
"What is the Beast?"
Thunk! Chunk! Cang!
"The Beast?
"Yes, the Beast. What is it?"
Thunk!...Defend! my mind yells. Protect!...Crack!
"The Beast is ... is ... is..."
"Yes, what is the Beast?"
Thunk! Snap! one small stick left. One small stick.
"The Beast is a secrete!"
"What is the secrete friend?"
Thunk!!
"Release the Beast to me."
Thunk! Thunk!
=Yes! Release Me!=
"No! ... Nooo!"
Chud! Thump!
=Yes!=
The Beast wants out, I can't let it out! I can't! But it's left me defenseless!
=Release Me! Let me destroy!=
"No! I can't!"
"Release the Beast to me friend. Let me see him!"
Not him, not her, It! do you understand It!
=Release me!=
"Release the Beast."
"Aaahhh!!!!!!" I scream loud and long. I resist but I fall, I take one step, off the battle ground of ...
sanity!
My brain is active, it resist. The Beast takes over. The corpus collusum becomes charged as
messages and actions leap across the synapse and run the neural course.
The Beast fights.
"The Beast is a curse! a terror! a Condition! a shame! a Destroyer! of lives above all!"
I fight, viciously!!
"Help me keep the Horror contained! Let it only ruin my life. Don't let it free to destroy me further
and drag you and others down with me! Help me keep it contained! Help Me!!"
=No! He will not! Death Dealer can not help you at all!=
"Ha! You Haughty thing! I will help my friend in any way!"
A sword flashes through the air and cut the Beast in twain.
"Be calm my friend in Black, the beast is dead."
=Nothing Kills me fool! Nothing! I am simple subdued for a moment. But I will break free again
and soon. For you are weak Mr. Bret M. Turner (DDK) and I will torment you from inside as
allways!=
Silence. Space. a deep void!
"I'm alone. Help me I'm alone."
"No my friend, be calm. I'm here. And always will be. Let your will be free of mine!"
I open to find myself lieing on the floor, sweating, with Death Dealer over me.
"Are you O.K.? You had me scared! It took me 2 hours to bring you back."
"I'm fine thanks to you friend. Thank you for the help."
"Never let me put you under again. Do you understand, never! I wouldn't blame you if you hated
me!"
"Are you kidding?! I love you ... "
the Beast is ...
"As my best friend and would never hate you!"
Subdued!
I was exposed. I let the calm struggling alien read the last entry. I was terrifiyed at what he might
see, figure or think.
My new face awaits me. It awaits its one day.
I tire now, I must sleep.
Happy All Hallows Eve, for tomorow in All Hallows Day, called
Halloween!
Tis all Hallows day, there be a full moon, and the witching hour approaches.
I am drugged to my hilt with the illusions and delusions of dreams and visions in my head. Time,
slips away with Brother sleep but a few steps from my door.
=Josh you fool!=
=what do you look like, really?= =I don't! I'm Doctor Death your Guide!=
The face of the phasod is lifted from my being. The sherade leaves with all Hallows Eves.
Death Dealer my friend, it was an evening well spent. The Beast bothered me not once, and we had
fun.
The darkness fell and the pipe dreams of an age long past came true but if only for a moment, one
... brief ... shining moment! A moment will spent.
Brother sleep knocks I must answer the dreams and leave reality, if only for awhile.
. . Occurance; a boy, ordinary in all major respects, I think, tring despeerately to make friends.
Having been newly transfered to the school, he babbled, unthinking I believe, about himself in all the
wrong respects, tring to make friends. He "bragged" about things I don't like, but others might.
. . Thought; Me, disturbance, Trail.
. . Proposition; ?the Time-lord is a separet part. Can you survive with out him?
. . Setting; Trail: Bret M. Turner you stand trail by your true self Damon D'artagnon Killgrave.
. . Objective; try to resolve proposition.
. . Question; Why dose the alien exist? Why?
. . Answer; because he dose. He is a part of me which challenges, makes happy, or stretches the
imagination of people.
. . Retort; Lies! all Lies! Why dose the alien exist?!
. . Answer; I don't know.
. . Retort; the truth always prevails.
. . Question; could it be, you want friends, thus you also create a fiction? Could it?
. . Answer; Posibly. I'm not sure.
. . Question; Do your real friends care if your from another "planet"? Your real friends?
. . Answer; No. They don't ever bring it up. Not my real friends, except in speacil, exceptable,
conditions.
. . Resolve;
. . . . . Factx; You don't know why the alien exists, possibly to make friends.
. . . . . Fact; Your Real friends don't bring up the fact your an alien, possibly because to them you
aren't an alien.
. . . . . Fact ; This alien wasn't an original part of you.
. . Resolve; Try, just try to live without the alien. See if he will vanish. stay with the real friends and
ignore the false friends.
Just Try! Try! try! try! try!
© 1997 October (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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