But it's time for your second warning. I break all the rules. Everyone is welcome to read - no one is welcome to Complain or Comment on the content. What follows is a spew of venom as well as wisdom. I'm a Klown - if you don't like what I say - Be a good sport for the audience, Grin and Bear it as part of the joke. If you can't -
Then FUCK YOU!

Now for just a bit of technical stuff. This was written along side the Regular Journals. It will weave in and out of them. If you chose you may read them the way it was written. In the Regular Journals 'bb' will link you to the entry written here. In the Black Balloon 'RJ' will take you to the entry written there. Or, If you wish you may mearly read on in amazement as we work through the puzzle box and float in the Black Balloon. This table will take you to the entries here like they would in the Regular Journals. Hope you brought your reading glasses - there is a lot here.

9908.18

I don't even have a fuckin'  Name yet and I've taken over your brain.
"Who are you?"
Who are you? he said imitating a baby's voice. I'm your darkest laughing half. I'm the Dark Clown. The white face   terror, the blackest eyes, the black leather, chrome stud and spiked reality that stares you in the fuckin' face every morning and makes you laugh.
"Such harsh language."
Shut the fuck up you punk nut sack. I'm talkin' here. Reality is harsh and yet you laugh. You paint a fake smile on your face day after day after fuckin' day and laugh in the face of the harsh reality that chops away at your splintered soul. Laugh little boy - laugh!
"Why would I laugh?"
Why fucking not? Pleasure and pain are so close together that either reaction is valid. Hate it or leave it - laugh or cry. Your choice! But you know you like to laugh.
"What are you getting at?"
Dark Humor - black comedy. What the fuck you think chicken neck?
"Black comedy?"
Yes! Hello! Are you in there dim bulb? Black Comedy - Dark Humor. No, not a joke told by a Nigger or a Spic snicker, but things that you laugh at because they aren't funny - They're fuckin' ridiculous or even tragic. ... Every wonder why a clowns face is white and Black face is considered rude? Because only white men get black humor.
In the face of the tragic or the overwhelming - everyone else gets fuckin' pissed off or they cry like an ass whipped baby. Only whitey chokes it back and paints a smile on his face. You know why clowns are scary? Because you don't know what they have buried beneath the paint.
Beware the Psycho Circus.
The Dark Carnival is here for your soul.
Don't expect justice because it isn't sold.
Life is just out to fuck us.

"You are Evil." I said in shock.
I am ironic. He said with a bloody toothed grin.

RJ

9908.20 RJ

"What day is this?"
August 20th said the black lined grin.
"Then shut the fuck up and go the hell away!"
The carnival organ played on with the Doot-doot-doot-dootle-do as the black leather clown danced around and sang I ain't goin' nowhere, I ain't goin' nowhere, nah-nah-nah!
Suddenly he was behind me, breathing down my neck again.
You know why people like the Twilight Zone? Because that's the kind of justice they are used to. You can't see it coming. It doesn't follow the rules but it seems fair - fucked up but fair, if you think about it long enough.
"Get the fuck off my back!" I yell.
You need to get laid Mister Uptight Ass.
I just sighed and rolled my eyes back in my head with frustration.
Go ahead - bust a nut. He said. He danced around in front of me with his red tongue flapping around from nose to chin as he pulled open his vest and mockingly massaged his nipples before leaning over and waving his hairy ass in the air with a fart as he tugged on the chain thong and moaned in a high pitch. Suddenly he stood up and let out a high pitched sigh as he pulled open his cod piece and white carnival spring snakes flew into the air. Then with a wink he blew me a kiss and said, You know you want to.
"You are so vulgar. You are right but you are vulgar. Still I can't."
Why the fuck not, juggalo? You are human and deserve love the same as anyone else does, he said with vast sarcasm. You know you are attractive - you can do it - you don't have to tell them - just give it to them. Get what you want - what you need. Kiss with some tongue - blow the worm, open the tunnel, pop a nut on his face. He gets just what he deserves Twilight Zone style.
"And so do I."
You catch on quick - but you still have to realize, you got what you want. Got to remember there is no love - just hate and indifference, Comedy and Tragedy.
"Go Away! You have two months and two weeks before you even get to speak! Go back to the God Damn Tent!"

It just doesn't seem real any more. Colored Carnival lights in the dark showing through the black, orange, red, and yellow tent stripes.

9908.21

"Not now." I said emphatically.
Yes now. He said leaning back in his chair, crossing his arms tightly and putting his black leather boots on the desk, one on top of the other.
"I'm at work for Gods sake." I said with a whisper, as if afraid to be caught.
Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. He said with a large black lined grin.
"What now?" I said with resignation. I had come to realize that he wouldn't go away. Fighting him only made him more vulgar, rude and obnoxious.
So true. He said with a sly wink.
"You can hear what I think?"
Of course I can you stupid Lummox. I'm your Jeckel Brother.
"Great." I said with a cough. "What now?"
Stop coughing. It makes us look weak.
"First, Don't tell me what to do, especially when its something outside of my control. I'd stop if I could. Second, What's with this "we" shit? and Third, Get your feet off my Desk!!" I yelled getting lightheaded from the effort.
With a smirk he removed his feet with a scrap from the desk. As gravity overtook them the tipped chair rocket forward propelling his painted face into mine.
Almost there. How do you feel?
"Dizzy" I said still trying to get sore lungs to get air without gasping.
You have to much on your chest. He said licking my nose and then standing up.
"I have a cold." I said.
You have a great weight sitting on your chest because you try to be nice to often. Fuck them! Call it like you see them for a change. Tell that Nut sack to stop singing! Roy Orbeson's voice is bad enough why listen to him sing it worse?
"It's kind of funny." I said letting it go.
It's fucking A - NOY - ING and you know it!
"It's done." I said.
He'll do it again.
"It's nothing!"
Its two ounces on your chest and we only have a few more tons to go.
"Fuck you. Get out of here now."
No, better though. You need more of that. Tell them to Fuck off!
"No. Look, People like you I can match profanity for vulgarity and jab to stab but the rest of these people - nice people - just trying to live their lives don't need to hear it. They don't deserve random attacks like this."
Wrong, Chicken neck! Sheep have to hear it often and loud. Other wise they fall prey to the wolves out of complacency and the herd walks over you in the mean time. You are the Shepherd, beat them with your staff and scream to lead them to safety. If you kill one - great!! That's your food - their example and they died fucking safe from wolves!
"Instead they fear the shepherd and run to the wolf."
Then kill all the ignorant mutha' fuckers. The goal is to keep them from the wolves.
"By becoming worse then wolves? No, the goal is to keep them safe and content ... and why am I even talking about this? I'm not a Shepherd!"
You are! You should be! All you have to do is get the balls to crush a few skulls! Teach these ignorant fuckers a lesson in the harsh realities of life! Do as your told and respect others or get eaten by wolves!
"You arrogant shit head." Flies buzz furiously, about the Kings head as the evil Clown danced under colored carnival lights.
I'm arrogant? You're the one calling yourself a King. Me? I'm just a wild card - a Joker in the deck - Jester in the court - I'm only a fucking Clown and look how much control I have over you.
"Stop it." I said through grinding teeth.
Stop it. oh Stop it. He said in a childish mocking voice. Suddenly he was an inch from my nose with a voice set for grandma's dead hearing aid
MAKE ME FAGGOT!
Jesus fucking Mary on the holy ghost Video network, you are going to be my best circus routine.
"What?"
For the intelligence challenged I mean to say 'YOU ARE A JOKE' Then he doubled over with a whispered snickering laugh. Suddenly he snapped up right throwing his hands out, bending over backwards and let out a roaring AH - HA -HAHAHA Falling to the ground on his ass he point to me and through his laughter said,
You're a fucking joke. HA-HA - You get it? 'Fucking' joke HA - HA Its a pun. Oh - oh - oh wait! HA-HA I guess you don't 'get it' AH - HA -HA -HA
The gypsy Kings face turned red and he thought his teeth might crack under the pressure his jaw exert. With the speed of thought the King construct a complex cube and opened the lid.
"Hey Jax," he said with a grin "Here's your box!" He slammed it down over the laughing clown and slid the lid in under the prison. "You get it? It's a pun." after a moment of silence the King brushed his hands together vertically with the rise of dust and the sound of spanking as he walked away and mutter, "I guess you do."

====

They Gypsy King woke in a small dark room and he couldn't move. He could feel everyone watching him. He pushed on the walls, but they didn't budge. He knocked on the wall and heard a voice he recognized.
Who is it? squealed a mocking voice.
"Let me out."
Let me out who? was the reply.
"Let me out now, please." I answered with a sigh.
You built the puzzle box Fuck nutz. Get yourself out.
    I'm in the puzzle box? I thought
Jekel bothers - one is the others. Lock one up and trap the nut cup.
He just doesn't get any better. He's right though. I built the box. I can get out. I have the key.
I took the key out - a little piece of metal shaped like the S in KISS. I put one end in the wall and began to turn the handle. The gears popped and grind and the music began to play - Doot - Doot - Dolittle - Dottel - Do - Doot - Doot and just as I was expecting the lid to fly off and the spring under my ass to throw me up into the air ... nothing happened. Just the squeak of a little horn and laughter from outside.
The disappointment of the crowd! He yelled. The utter suspense of the trap! Ladies and Gentlemen, will he escape this dire predicament of his own design Or perish in the death defying attempt? Step right up and watch in amazement!
"Jesus Christ! Shut the fuck up."
Sorry ladies, this may not be suitable for children!
    Christ, he really does have an audience out there.
Damn right you do - one you invited, Freak. So watch your fuckin' language.
Faster and faster I cranked the key and the music took on an eerie mis-tempo life of its own. Each time it should have said "Pop! ~ Goes the weasel" there was only the squeak of a little horn. Each time it play I listen closer and heard it squeak "Fuck-off!"
Doot - Da - Doot - Da - Dolittle - Doot - Doot - Da - Doot - Da - Dolittle "Fuck-off!" Doot - dottle - Do
Doot - Da - Doot - Da - Dolittle - Doot - Doot - Da - Doot - Da - Dolittle "Fuck-off!" Doot - dottle - Do
I yanked the key out of the wall and threw it down with a clank.
"Let me out of the BOX!"
No!
"This isn't fair!"
Life isn't fair
"It isn't nice, either!"
Fuck nice. What's it ever gotten you?
"What?"
Don't make me repeat myself numb-nutz, You ain't deaf so just fuckin' answer me.
"Being nice has gotten me everything I have."
What do you have? Anything you want?
"Yes!"
Liar.
"Don't call me a fuckin' Liar!"
I didn't call you a fuckin' Liar, in fact it seems it's one of the few places you are honest ... and nice. That's why you don't get any fuckin' Dipshit! For the record, I called you a Liar! What do you have that you want?
"Love."
Didn't we just say you wasn't bustin' no nutz?
"Friends count don't they?"
Do they? You tell me.
"I have friends."
You do?
"Yes!"
Not just people that come over, talk your ear off, annoy you with hypocritical thinking and use your stuff and have meetings and parties while you sleep.
"Try to sleep."
Thank you. Next!  What do you have that you want?
Hello? Jerk in the Box. Are you thinking or crying like a baby in the dark? I'll take your silence as Thinking.
"That's nice of you."
That's respect don't mistake it for anything else. Want some help in there? How about money.
"No, not really."
Some of those friends suck it up don't they? Course, you just give it to them. It's your own fault. How about Power.
"Never wanted it."
What's control?
"What are you getting at?"
You are locked in a fuckin' box! HA - HA - HA   Hell, Fat boy has more control over you then you do! He even has minions HA - HA - HA!
"Non-sequeter."
Shut your hole, Dildo!
"Dildo?!?"
You're nothing more then a fuck toy. Used with no commitment and thrown in a box when they are done.
"Oh, you hurt my feelings now."
Sarcasm. Not good. Means you're trying to make me think you're laughing when in fact you are a weak willed pussy cry-baby.
"I'm going to kill you if I ever get out of here." The ensuing laughter only infuriate me.
"Let me out of the BOX!"
Not until you learn to play ... mean.

RJ

9908.22 RJ

I sit in the puzzle box and contemplate the pillow book.
Feelin' kinda okay now aren't you.
"Have I burned you out?"
You are writing with the bones of a finger. I fucking doubt I'm burned out of your brain pan.
I ain't done with you yet. You know it. Until you can call it like it is ... You're stuck in the box. You hate being trapped so I'll just wait ... until you rattle the cage again.
"What do you mean by that?"
By What? Pun-K
"Pun-K, ... rattle the cage. I get it. Only I'm not the one rattling it, you are. What do you mean 'call it like it is'? I'm always honest I always say what I mean." There was nothing but silence in the dark. "Hey! What did you mean!?!"
Nothing but silence and confinement. Jax was done playing with me for now. I was nothing more then a discarded toy locked in a box. It seems I had no choice but to wait.
"Hey! ... Come play with me."

9908.23 RJ

"I just want you to know," I said hesitating a little as the tall lanky youth sat down on the floor and leaned back against the wall, "that your friends asked me to talk to you about some of the feelings you might be having."
The youth crossed his arms over his knees and leaned forward a bit with a stoned look in his eye. "They just thought you might be more comfortable talking to a stranger then confiding in close friends." He continued to stare forward, I half expected him to drool with a stare that vacant. The silence was as overwhelming as this odd task of talking to a youth (a scared one I was told) about mixed sexual feelings. How do you start? How do you gain his trust? I know he won't talk unless he really wants to.
"I just want you to know you can talk to me about anything. To prove it ... I want you to ask me anything. Anything you want to know - just ask and I'll answer it."
"Can I cum on your face?" he asked. My eyes must have been the size of saucers. Even more so after my answer,
"Yes." I couldn't believe I said that. I was twice this kids age. "I - I mean if you really want to." I stuttered trying to back up some to the conversation I was supposed to be having. "If you're really serious about ..."
"I want to fuck your mouth and cum on your face." he said still just staring at me with a vacant look. I decided he must just be fucking with me. Testing the limits of the conversation. He wasn't serious.
"If you're serious about it ..." I said still amazed, "then close the door and get undress -" He suddenly stood up to his full 6 foot height and walked to the door as I finished "-ed."
The door shut with a definitive click and as the crew cut blonde turned around he took off his over sized football jersey to reveal his thin, pale and hairless chest. Dropping the shirt to the floor he began to walk over to where I sat, with my head leaning back against the bed.
"He's just fucking with me." I kept thinking to myself. In the two steps it took his long legs to cross the room he had unzipped his baggy jeans and pulled the snap apart as he stopped in front of me.
"This can't be happening to me." I thought as his jeans dropped away and slid down his legs, slowing slightly on the short blonde hairs.
"You'll have to suck it." he said pushing his large, soft dick right up to my face. As it dangle in front of me I could smell it. Warm and musky with just a hint of sweat. I looked up but couldn't see up past his chest, pink nipples protruding just a little.
"It's been so long." I thought as my mouth began to open. He didn't move. My tongue stretched out and licked the soft head as it passed under it. Curling up behind it, my tongue pulled the warm flesh forward to my open mouth.
As my lips tenderly closed in around the head of his dick, I began a light suction then melted as he sigh and I pulled him in like eating spaghetti. I could feel it touch the back of my throat so I opened my mouth and let it slide forward on my tongue only to feel it grow thicker and begin to slide back to the joy it wanted. My lips closed in around the shaft again as I gently sucked in. I slowly pressed down with my lips and pulled my head back, forcing what was in my mouth to grow larger and firmer.
With another sigh I felt his hand against the back of my head lightly urging me to swallow more. His dick quickly grew larger and harder as his hand lightly tapped my head if I went to far back. He probed deeper and deeper back with his ridged tool. Occasionally he would hold my head and pause. My nose buried in a springy tuft of blonde hair, his balls draped to either side of my chin pulling his warm scrotum over my labrum, his firm member sliding as far down the back of my throat as it would go. I could feel his pulse as it grew and slid further and further back. Just when I think I would gag, he would let my head draw back. My tongue would wag under the length of it as my lips hugged its circumference. Each time he stopped as my lips hugged the rim of his head and then pushed its way to the back of my throat again. As he got harder his speed increased.
Finally I opened my mouth and gasp for some air around his cock. As he pulled back, he pulled back all the way, and held his erect penis only an inch away from my mouth. I swallowed hard and gasp for breath again as his large hand came to rest on the top of my head. The plump round head seemed to float in front of me ... staring with one glazed eye. I felt fingers curl up in my hair and pull my head forward to the prize. I exhaled slowly, blowing on the head and felt it hit my lips dry. I opened my mouth and it eagerly dove back into the moist regions. I rolled my tongue around it and even stuck it out to lick his slapping balls as he rhythmically thrust it into my throat again and again. His hands roam about my head, holding, caressing, gripping it.
The rhythm was awkward for a moment, as he kicked off his sneakers and stepped out of his pants. He pulled out of my mouth completely again as he kicked them all aside, then his hand touched the side of my face. His thumb near my eye, his fingers slid down under my chin and lift my head slightly. His other hand quickly stoke his dick a couple of times then grabbed it at the base. It stood firm and erect and pointed at the target.
"You want it?" I heard him whisper.
"Yes." I gasp under my breath as it launched itself into my mouth again. Ramming into my mouth I could taste the salt from his hands. The head hit the back of my throat as my jaw open wide to except this gift. His knuckle pressed my upper lip into my teeth. Just as my tongue pressed his member into the roof of my mouth and my lips closed around it, he yanked it back out. It hung suspended in the air, held like a weapon as I heard him ask,
"You like it?"
"Yes." I gasp again as it once more plunged all the way to the back of my throat. Several quick thrusts as his fingers caressed the side of my face, leaving warm shivers in my check, until his thumb rest on my ear and his fingers curled around my neck.
He pulled it all the way out, and shoved it back it. Balls to chin, knuckles to lips. All the way out, and then all the way back in.
He released the hold on his dick then and held it there. I began to groan with ecstasy and I could feel the groan vibrate his cock in my mouth. Slowly it pulled out as his other hand also grip the side of my head. I heard him echo my moan and slowly push it back in. I felt his knees bend and rest on the edge of the bed on either side of my head as his rhythm increased in speed. Long even strokes though. My lips always touched his stomach and stopped on the ridge.
Faster and faster he went until I wasn't sure how or when I was breathing but I was. His fingers massage my scalp as they curled and grip my hair. Finally his hand left my head and grip the sheets on the bed. My head was tipped back as his stomach curled over me. I could feel his stomach relax and contract as his hips continued the motion. My hands blindly reached out and began to caress his calves as his balls slap repeatedly against my chin.
The angle became different like this. I gagged once or twice as he hit an awkward spot in my throat. He would slow down each time, but never stopped. It seemed to be poking upward into my skull. Finally I gagged again and turned my head to gasp for air. It fell out of my mouth with a life line of saliva and pre-cum and then slammed into my cheek as I betrayed it an entrance.
Quickly I ducked under his spread legs and stood up. I threw off my T-shirt and fell toward the bed in one motion. He lift his knees from the edge of the bed and stood up as I rolled onto my back. He stroke his masterpiece as I positioned my head to lean back off the edge of the bed.
"Oh yeah," was all I heard as he stepped forward again and aimed his fat cock at my open mouth.
He slapped either side of my face with his tool, almost as if punishing me for the break, then it plunged deeply in hitting the back of my throat and sliding down as his balls brushed over my eyes and fell to either side of my nose and my chin rest on a nest of curly blonde hair. Once again his knees hit the edge of the bed and he leaned over my body as his hips rhythmically thrust his cock over my tongue and down my throat.
His hands rest on my knees, often using them as support as he would lean forward and push deeper down my throat, some times pausing for a moan that vibrate him from hip to tip.
Suddenly one hand went down between my legs. At first it rest knuckles down into the bed for support. Then I felt his fingers brushing the inseam of my jeans. Soon I felt the whole of his warm hand cupping my balls and rubbing further back to my ass. This caused me to moan deeply and vibrate him more. His rhythm slowed down and concentrate on staying deeper, longer. I felt my button fly's come undone and a sudden Yank pulled my jeans up to my knees.
He pulled out completely as he continued to wrestle my jeans off. My tongue stretched out and tried to make contact with his bobbing member.
"Oh yeah!" he said has he thrust it back in and held it back in my throat. Slowly he pulled it out and then began his rhythmic thrusts. His hands pulled my knees to my chest and I felt him place my legs under his arms. He leaned forward again thrusting long and deep into my mouth. Then I felt the sting of his hand as it slapped my ass. It wasn't hard, just swift and firm. It left my ass tingling. Never once did he stop fucking my mouth. The next slap actually covered my hole. I could feel it contract sharply from the surprise. It just as quickly relaxed, asking for more, and then I felt a warm sensation as he spit on my hole.
As he continued to thrust his dick in my mouth, I felt his warm finger massage the spit around my ass. Then he thrust deeply down my throat and held it, as his finger slowly pushed into my ass. I groaned with utter delight and felt his finger slowly exit as he withdrew his cock. Only to the ridge, but my mouth was wide open as I pant onto his pulsing hard dick. Down it went again, slowly into my mouth. As it pushed into my throat his moist finger once again pushed into my hole. This time it stayed in, and began a rhythm of its own, occasionally adding another finger as he paused his cock deep in my growling throat.
More spit and several slaps later I felt his fingers leave and I thought it was going to be over. I hadn't felt the normal spasms or taste of extra pre-cum to say he was ready to cum, but felt perhaps it had been so long I wouldn't know any more. Then I heard the tear of paper as he pulled his cock out my mouth. I saw the condom and smiled.

BOO - HA -HA!

I woke with a sudden start at the sound. I hit my head and hands on the confining walls of the darkness. I heard the laughter as my heart slowed down.
"You'd wake up with a start and then where would you be? ... In a box."
Hey Rosencrantz ... Shut the fuck up!
"That's the part I don't like frankly."
I can't believe you almost hit the promised land in a fucking fantasy and pull out a condom!!
"Can I go back now?"
What? To a wet dream that you still can't be free in? My God you're in a box everywhere.
"I could have cum!"
It wasn't even real!
"It was almost perfect."
But you still had AIDS!
"Why couldn't you just let it happen you fucking Shit head?!?"
Because you couldn't even let go in a fantasy! You are pathetic my little King. Your world, your fantasy, everything is perfect! And you ...
"Picture a Condom. So fucking what! I pictured it because it was PERFECT! He knew God Damn it! He respect me! He respect himself! He was ready to fuck my brains out and You stopped him ~ WHY?!?"
It was a safe bet. No reality. Why should I let you torture yourself?
"If I ever get my hands around your fucking chicken neck I will squeeze till your white painted face pops off! I will bath in your blood and fuck your dead Corpse!"
I'd be proud of you if I believed you'd actually do it. Goodnight little King. Sweet Dreams.
I heard his laughter in the dark as I cried. 

9908.25

The book opened, the pen set to paper ... I was in a box.

"I'm ready to talk." I said sliding a peep hole door to the side. Jax's face appeared in the dark like some spectral floating head.
No you're not. He said with a hurumph.
"Yes I am. Bring up anything."
How about what you do versus what you admit to.
"What do you mean?"
Why do you go to Gage park?
"To walk."
Bullshit!
"Its all I do there. I walk."
Yup! That's what you do. But its not why you go. You go looking for sex.
"Then how cum I never get any?"
Because you are a sorry ass son of a Bitch that intentionally sabotages yourself.
The pen fell flat to the page and rolled to the desk.
You know, I'm in your head. You'll hear this whether you write it or not. Just like all your sorry ass friends.
"My What!?! How dare you try to undermine my friends support!"
Support my nutsack Jock-o! You know as well as I do if They aren't calling you a liar they are deeding you spoonfuls of pity. Hell, they force feed you pity and make you gag it down weather you want it or not. 'How are you?' 'Fine' "Liar! I heard you coughing.' 'I'm fine, really.' 'Here take some money.' 'I don't want it. I have enough.' 'Liar! I know your broke till payday.' 'Which is tomorrow.' 'Look it just fell on your bed from a secrete admirer.'
"Stop it!"
Don't you just want to smack these Hypocritical Losers? Force feed you pity while they whine about there terrible love life problems or how they plan to fuck up their lives.
I'd like to shove that fuckin' lollypop up each of their -

SLAP!   the book was closed.

RJ

9908.26 RJ

So I sang in the dark to pass my time.
"Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is such a lonely word ..."
I noticed a corner of paper in the dark. I tug on it and read by the light of the crack.
"No movie night - Bret sleeping Come back after 9:30"
It just brushes your fur the wrong way doesn't it?
"Is he even here?"
No - Gone never to return. It makes you mad doesn't it?
"He meant well."
Mister Joel! This is mostly what I need from you. Answer this - It make you mad doesn't it!?
"Yes."
Why?
"What do you mean why? Isn't it obvious?"
No. -Why? ... Tell ME!
"Because I fucking invite him into my home, I didn't turn him away and I expected him to be here when I woke up or to tell me different. Instead he made everyone else unwelcome and left my home unlocked and unguarded ... unwelcome."
Anything else?
"The Least he could have done was come back at 9:30 when he made it "safe" to enter. Instead he just nigger knocked my door and left a shit bomb on the porch. He had no fucking right to turn everyone else away. He didn't even sign the note so people probably thought I wrote it."
Hey, he meant well.
"Oh, you are so funny!"
I know, I'm a clown.
"You don't get to switch sides."
I do when its funny, and that was hysterical. I finally got you to think with out the filters. Finally got you to have a thought without rationalizing it down so it wouldn't hurt his feelings and leave you sweeping up the glass in the backroom.
~
"Did you just hear that?"
You closed the book again, Fucker. We've been talking and sparing your precious friends feelings.
"You can go back to insulting them in a minute. Did you hear that?"
Hear fucking what?
"Glass breaking."
No, what was it prey tell?
"I think I just realized that I've had all my friends in glass cages just like they had me in."
Jax laughs
"They aren't made of glass - either am I. If I don't want to be treated like I'm in a glass cage then I shouldn't treat them like they are."
Are you saying what I think you are?
"Fuck 'em If the truth hurts."
That's my Boy!! Now we can get some talking done.
"You don't talk. You scream and whine a bunch of bullshit that only makes accusations of other people that should be pointed at yourself."
I think we should go back to trashing Devin.
"I wasn't trashing Devin, you were."
He pissed you off.
"No he didn't. I just think a lot of what he's doing is hypocritical and stupid."
That pisses you off.
"His life not mine. I just have to keep him from dragging me into it. I think its great that he wants to help someone in trouble. I just think it's dumb when he can't help himself. He wants this kid off the street, but the only thing he can offer is a roof over his head. No power, no water and he's behind on the rent. How long before he's on the street asking that kid to help him brush up on his survival skills? If they want to get together and form some bizarre Co-dependant Lean-to ... Lean-two ... Lean-too ..."
Okay Pun-k I get the picture. Still they come over to your house for showers.
"So, They ask. I don't pay for water. They have to be clean to get jobs. At Least Devin is working now."
Finally! I guess it takes the emanate threat of having no home to get him to do anything. You notice it wasn't until you gave him an out of house ultimatum that he latched onto someone else and got a job until he thought he could get by without the job.
"I'm not out to second guess his motives. I hate it when people do it to me. Goes back to that whole 'secrete Admirer' gifts in your car and on your pillow pity bullshit."
I notice you lock your car now.
"I'm tired of finding nameless gifts. If they can't own up to it then it's pity. Otherwise they can convince me face to face that it isn't and let me say thank you and/or reciprocate."
They do it out of love with out want of thanks.
"What did I say about you switching sides? You don't."
It's funny watching you get mad.
"I'm not mad at anyone but you for locking me in this fucking puzzle box with ..."
What? he asked as I grin widely
"With you!"
I tackle the leather and spiked clown and pound the back of his head into the floor. I realized I have room to fight so I ran to a corner and jumped up it and fell back down with an elbow to his chest.
"Time to lay some Smack Down!"
~envision cartoon fight here~

RJ

9908.27

"Heh - he - he - Oh my. Have you had enough?"
Is that all you've got?
"For now." I said still giggling after the rough housing. "Shit head," I threw in with a sigh.
Feel better after that?
"Once I realized you where in the box with me. I knew I could take you."
Ha!
"Kick the shit out of you."
Dream on.
I just kept laughing.
What's so funny, laughing boy?
"You got two black eyes." I said laughing with pointed finger.
Don't get your ego all inflated chuckles. Its in the face paint.
"Whatever." I said laying down to rest. "I suppose you have something smart ass to say. Pick another fight or something, eh? Am I right?"
Got a joke for you. Want to hear it?
"Sure."
A Guy gets locked in a box. This Cool ass clown is his only company. When he realized he's in the box with him, he tries to kill him. Turns out all he can do is wrestle with the clown, because they are one in the same guy.
Which means ...
"I've been beating myself up." I  pause for a moment then look at the clown who suddenly plastered on a wide cheesy grin. "Nice pun, Shit head. You just ruined my mood."
Laughter echoed in the puzzle box as the joke rang true.

9908.28

White gloved hand digs deep into leather pockets and then spew forth the contents.
Clink - clink echoes in the darkness as two coins roll around and then rattle flat to the floor.
"What's that? Its not like you haven't already put in your two cents worth."
Its your two cents. I've giving you credit for trying.
"Try?"
To speak your mind. You told Rodger how much the note upset you.
"I wish I would have caught him when he wasn't in such a goofy mood."
Well, like I said, You tried. I still think you should have kicked his ass when he laughed at you about it. Hell, you should have kicked both his and Shane's ass for waking you like that.
I smirked and glared at the clown.
"Oh come on ... You - You! of all people should realize how funny that was."
You'd been asleep only 5 hours - half of that you spent reading trying to get sleepy.
I started to laugh as I recalled them laughing under my window sill and began to imitate them
"Beep - beep - Beep wake up Bret it's your alarm clock - Beep -Beep - Beep." I kept thinking of those silly alien Muppet mops with eyes that sat outside the window and imitate the phone "Ring - Ring yup-yup-yup Ring - Ring yup-yup-yup" I fell over laughing at their child-like enthusiasm.
Jax mearly stood there and tapped his leather boot. You should have kicked their asses.
I swept up one penny off the floor and flung it at Jax.
"Fine! I told Rodger how much the note pissed me off and he thought it was funny that I expected him back at 9:30 but he feel asleep himself. You have to admit the irony was funny. He was still laughing from the alarm clock. I tried, I failed. Why the second penny?" I said flipping it in the air.
Shane. Jax said.
"What just because I asked him why he should give a shit why his ex thinks he's sleeping with me?"
Yup. You tired to bring it up.
"I still don't know whether to be offended by the accusation or not."
Offended?
"For it to happen I would have to gain at least 150 to 200 lbs. He must think I'm fatter then I am."
Fucker has met you. He knows your size. He's just jealous of the time Shane spends with you instead of his ex-ed ass.
"You'd think he'd be more upset about the dozens of phone numbers making Shane's wallet fat. I guess I should be flattered that he thinks a man of my size could steal Shane."
Oh, so your upset about it because it isn't true. You wish he was don't you?
"No."
Oh, wait, that's right. Even if you where fat, laughing boy wouldn't come near you because of your pet virus.
"I wish it was a pet. I'd give it to Devin and Rodger to take care of it. It would get fleas and die a week later."
Still upset about that huh?
"No. Just saying that if HIV was a pet I'd try to kill it. I wouldn't be upset if it died. I'd have no problem putting it down."
Ever wonder who will have to put you down?
"Not until you brought it up.    Thanks,    Shit-head. I really don't want to think about that."
Rather think of Devin and Nick in a powerless house, no phone, no furniture and no food.
"Not my problem, I can't help them."
That's right you already have a sponge in the house.
"Not a sponge. He has a job. He's moving soon."
Bullshit! When?
"He's mentioned it. We haven't talked about it. We don't see each other that much."
He likes you. He thinks he still has a chance with you. He won't move 'till you kick him like a dog that's following you home.
"I really don't like you." I said throwing the other penny at him.
"Every time I start to feel better you just dregg up this shit to annoy me. Why?!?"
Because If I'm going to step into you on Halloween you have a lot to learn and clear up. Other wise I'll be walking around gagged or you won't have any friends. I refuse to wear a gag juggalo. I also don't want you to be alone. It isn't just. We have a lot more juggling to do with Jack and Jake Jeckel.
"Power, Passion, Instinct or Vision."
Wrong Fucking Carnival. That's the Circus.
"Older, wiser, faces though. Maybe I should explore the Circus."
Maybe you should just take a closer look at the cards you've been dealt.
"It all depends on how they're played."
Where are you taking this?
"I don't want to be remembered as someone that stood and yelled 'Look at me!'. I'd rather be remembered as someone that stood up because he had something to say."
Hold on to you hat Robin! Here is one hard Bat-Turn! Left turn Clyde!
"Holy Shit, Batman!"
RJ
9908.28:22:45
"I could always write."
You could always cruise.

9908.29:03:15

"I'm not built for this kind of rejection."
You're stronger then you think. In fact, this kind of rejection will make you stronger. All that walking is good for you.
"Blisters hurt."
Nietzsche ...
"Fuck you. If I continue to associate this kind of rejection with exercise then how will I ever work out enough to become attractive?"

RJ

9908.31 RJ

Are you okay?
"Pissed out."
Somber, calm, even toned, introspective. You know this will only make things worse.
"Fuck 'em. They're the ones that pissed."
You're just the smoke from the blown candle reacting to the air.
"Air is passion. If I had been blown I could react to that. I wasn't. Dispassionate yellow rain fell upon me and I was squelched. No smoke. I became as dispassionate as the water. I am after all a water sign. I'm placid.
I'm so placid I can't even stir up enough in me to masturbate."
Placid is fine. Stagnate isn't.
"You going to stir things up again?"
Not just yet. I think I'll see if you simmer.
"You carny folks aren't all that different from gypsies."
Less then Rom, more then Gajea.
Why not try to sleep again?
"I've slept. I'm still tired. Its from being pissed out. I'd rather masturbate but I can't even build that much passion. It's all useless."
Then sleep. What do you have to lose, Jerk.
"Nothing."

9909.01

Dude! That was totally Fucked up.
"I know." I said as my hand fell from the alarm that just saved my life and my dignity.
Dude, now we got some shit to talk about.
"Jax, shut up. I have to go to work."
Skip it! You're on the edge of a mental breakdown, we need to talk.
"I have more then just your puzzle box to confine me. I have to go work. We'll talk when I get back."
Look here shit head you sit down here ...
"When I get back from work."
You will have forgotten!
"How could I fucking forget that? It will Haunt me all day. As will you with your jaunt and jest. Remember, you're in my head not just this book. I hear you anyway."
Fine go to work, pussy boy.
=====
So, how was work?
"The world has many wards, confines and dungeons, Denmark is but one of them."
Yeah, what the fuck ever. I notice you're home early.
"I left early. I didn't even ask."
Boo Ha! A whole 15 minutes. I'm sure they where just shitin' their pants they were so beside themselves!
"Does this box seem bigger to you?"
I had to make room for the couch! Lay down!
"No, I mean more then that."
Then it is your mind that makes it so.
"Oh, I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a King of infinite space."
Dude! Drop the Shakespeare crap! I've got the couch right here. Lay down, we'll go on a nice couch trip and talk about that fucked up dream of yours.
"I am but mad North by North West. When the wind is Southerly I can tell a hawk from a handsaw."
Hey! Nut Sack! What did I say about the Bard?!? Now lay down or I'll Shake a Spear at your fucking neck.
I lay down on the couch and Jax eagerly jumps into a chair with a smoking fat cigar and a note pad. He thinks this is funny but I intend to make him shrink.
Zo, Tell mek abut yourz Fater! hmmm?
"I haven't decided if That Father of Mine is Everclear or a Cat in the Cradle."
What?
"What does this have to do with the dream?"
I dunno. Tell me about the dream.
"Maybe I should tell you about what I tired to dream."
Take your meds.
"What?"
It's noon. Take your meds and make some lunch.
He jumped up like some leather clad chorus girl and acted like a flaming Queen saying
Okay everyone take five! When we get back we'll lay down and take it from the top - Oh! You know what I mean - he-he!
~
I lay down on the couch and wait for Jax to show up with his next trick.
If only I could get that lucky on a Lunch break.
"Who's the pun-K now?"
Look at the ink blot. What do you see?
"An evil Clown."
Har - har  Very funny. Not my face the black spots on the white paper
"So I haven't been sleeping very well lately ..."
Fine ignore me.
"Haven't I taken enough tests? I even took the spark.com Death Test."
Yup! Die May 6,  2003 at the age of 36. You will die of  - Contagious disease (31%) Heart attack (16%) Cancer (12%) Electrolysis
"You mean Electrocution?"
Nope! It says Death by electrolysis (6%) Alien Abduction (5%)
"This is ridiculous."
Why? Because Homicide and Alcoholism are at 3%?
"But the Melatonin seems to make me dream more vividly."
If you sleep
"But I was ... Just before work. Trying to get that last 3 hours to make 8 or so before going to work."
What did you dream about?
"I remember cockroaches crawling over me. I woke up and looked at the clock 3:41AM."
Twenty minutes before the alarm goes off. Right?
"I knew the roaches weren't real. I was already in a dream state. I had time to try a quick dream."
You mean make one?
"Yep. Wanted to dream about boys. Wanted to dream about sex."
Young boys? Older men? Anyone in particular?
"Dolph Lundgren was at the tip of my mind. I don't know why."
So did you? Did you do him Six ways to Sunday? Did you get a boner? Did you wet the sheets?
"I remember briefly dreaming about his feet. The ankles where fucked up and his heels were side-ways."
No sex.
"I don't remember there being a scene change. I just remember watching a guy that looked like Harry Hamlin aiming a high powered rifle at a young blonde girl across the alley from his boarded up window. I was watching as he gripped the plastic covered gun and practiced killing the girl. It was just a game. He never intended to kill the girl ... just take aim ... plan it out in detail ... While he watched her ... wanting her ..."
Dude!
"Shut up! I was watching him. I was getting off watching him want her ... want to kill her ... I liked watching him."
Dude!
"You sound like a South Park kid. Shut up if you want to hear this."
There was silence.
"I watched someone trade his gun with an exact copy. All the way down to the plastic coating. I watched him take the new gun and take aim. He caressed the stock as he watched her across the alley. Only the long barrel protruding out past the boards of his window. Slowly he squeezed the trigger ... after all its in plastic. It isn't loaded.
BAM!

She falls to the ground shot in the back of the head. Blood covers her front wall as the man pulls his gun out of the window in complete shock.
I've just witnessed a murder.
He looks around in horror and shock until we lock eyes. His mouth hangs open in amazement as he notices he has a witness. Without a second thought he puts the barrel in his mouth and pulls the trigger.
Chunky bits of brain hit the wall behind him and slowly roll down the wall leaving trails of blood. The dark red syrup glisten in the shadows as it creeped down the wall.
I looked back across the alley to the bright red splatter and watched as the blonde got up off the floor.
I looked back to the dead man and noticed the difference in color and texture of the splatter and the blood. A bald man then came into the dead mans room and switched the guns back. He waved at the blonde and she smiled and waved back.
I just witnessed a murder.
My eyes never moved and then the bald man's eyes caught mine. I thought I was dead. Instead he smiled and waved then left the room.
I looked down into the alley way and saw the blonde and bald man meet. They kissed and hugged as he held the actual murder weapon. They went inside.
In a moment there was a knock at my door. It was the blonde. She invite me down to dinner. I was terrified but I went.
Their ground level apartment was actually a garage that opened into the narrow alley. We ate while he worked on repairing an old VW van. They explained to me why they killed the other guy. I was intrigued. Fascinated even. It made perfect sense and went off without a hitch ... except for me.
The bald man then asked for some help with the van. He put two wooden blocks under the front wheels. He then jacked up the front of the van and crawled underneath it asking for my help.
I remember thinking how dangerous that was. That the blocks should be behind the back tires. How easy it would be for the van to slip off the jack and crush his skull. He even began to shake the van. I grabbed the jack to steady the van and warned him of the danger.
Suddenly he had a knife and was trying to kill me. It was test I thought. I failed. I thought. He wanted to be killed for what he'd done. I've only proven that I'm conscientious and would one day give him away.
I tired to convince him that I wouldn't tell as he had me by the throat. I thought I had saved myself for a second as I pointed out between the gasps that he couldn't kill me in his apartment. Then he noticed a screw in my sleeve. He tightened the screw and I knew everyone would think I had broken in and he killed me defending his property. I begged. I cried and pleaded. As the knife dug in under my eye the blonde laughed as vitreous humor spew out over the bald mans face.
The alarm went off."
Dude! That was fucked up!
"I was begging and pleading for my life. I even broke down and used HIV as an excuse. 'Don't kill me with the knife you'll get HIV. Please I just want to live out the rest of my quite little life.' I had lost all dignity"
Begging for mercy isn't a sin.
"Begging for a life is."
You where trying to survive.
"You missunderstand. I wasn't begging for my life. I was begging for a life. I didn't kill him because I thought I could be part of the scene. It would have been exciting. He denied me that and I begged for a life before I died. I didn't want to die without having lived."
Dude! That's really fucked up.
"To be or not to be."
That's fucked up.
"I woke up ashamed. Do you remember what came next?"
A shower.
"And then?"
Dude why me? Why do I have to tell it?
"What did I do?"
You masturbate in the shower.
"Did I cum?"
No, you weren't even turned on. Thinking about the dream always fucked it up.
"What did I do?"
You kept trying and trying.  The water ran cold and you got out of the shower and continued.
"How far did I go?"
You knelt by the toilet and continued to masturbate. You could barely breath in all the steam. Your arm ached and almost locked up with a cramp. You used the yellow water for lube.
"I couldn't flush more then once. They might know what I was doing. When you grow-up having to keep it a secret you just deal with it."
It's gross!
"Its life! What happened then?!?
You gagged and almost threw up.
"Did I?"
No, But you only stopped maturating because you nearly passed out.
"Why!"
I don't know
"Why did I feel like I could only redeem myself from this nightmare by cuming?"
I don't know why
"Then what good are you? You - I'm getting tired of being my own best friend. I should have one person that I can talk to about this. I don't. Instead I have to write it down and talk to myself like a fucking madman.
I can't even think of one person I could call right now and talk to about this.
A nightmare based in sexual innuendo all the way down to condoms on the guns that still kill or think they kill leaving me begging to have a life before I die at the hands of a sadistic killer.
Why should I have to have all the answers. Not only for me but everyone else?
Isn't it time I had someone in my life? Someone I can talk to other then myself? I can't gratify even my most basic urge now. What do I have left for anyone else?
Huh? Tell me! Where are you, You fucking Clown?!? Tell me!
Silence in the black box.
"Worse part about it is ... I have to try and sleep again now. Even the one haven I sought is denied me. "
RJ

9909.03

You fucking Jerk! I can't believe you. Do you know what you just Fucking did?
"It's part of the joke isn't it? I fall asleep and I finally dream of sex."
A Fucking Orgy of Huge, Hung Muscle men wanting nothing but to have sex and ...
"I call the cops to break it up because I want to sleep."
I can't fucking believe you!
"I wanted to sleep to begin with. They insisted on teasing me with sex. They wouldn't really give me any ~ they just teased me with it. Then I realized they would just have sex with each other and I wouldn't get any sleep because I would have to watch and then give them a ride home. I wanted them to hurry up and finish so I could give them a ride home and get some sleep."
Do you even want to mention who started this little orgy?
"What? Say that Zam and Two unknown (but cute) black men where with Devin to start this. I don't care. I couldn't believe I finally got them dressed and couldn't find a fucking car."
That's when you found the construction crew, More then willing to give rides to your friends.
"More then willing to join in with all the sex they kept peddling like whores on the street. More then willing to have sex in trade for a ride to come. Sex only with my attractive friends and each other. More then willing to invite themselves into my home to have that sex and let me watch - not sleep - not participate - just watch ..."
Until
"One quite gorgeous hung uncut, Black, maybe partly Hispanic guy ... So buff! I walked over and asked if he would like to stay and fuck my brains out. He said yes and the rest of the crew rejoiced and said they would join us."
Orgy at you house.
"No. I only wanted the one guy. I wanted the rest of of them to fucking leave now. I couldn't believe the Head of the construction crew was arguing with me about it. Saying he'd done so much for me (talking about giving my friends rides - Bastard hadn't even done that) That I should be grateful. 'I leave, he leaves with me.' he threatens. I thought you would be fucking proud of me! I told him off! 'Fine! Take it all I never fucking asked for it. All I wanted was sleep!' 'But you asked him for sex' 'Yeah and he lives around the corner. His and my choice to stay and do what we want. The rest of you Fuck Off! Go Home! I want some sleep! If he stays I'll take the sex ... with just him. No witnesses, no taunts, no teases, no comments, just us. Go home now or I'll call the cops.' 'You wouldn't.'"
You did.
"Damn right I did! Have every one of those fucking teases dragged off so I could get that 20 minutes of sleep before work."
Can't believe you called the cops to stop your own wet dream.
"It's part of the joke right?"
It was a wet fucking dream you agitated Jerk! Now you really only have twenty minutes before work - get a cold shower quick!
~
Stop it! You took me to work because you wanted to talk about last night - so talk.
"I'm done with the dream. Talking to you about it almost made me late."
Dream was this morning. You wanted to talk about last night. So talk.
"No. Its all a matter of perception and I'm sure mine is not as sharp as it should be right now."
Why the Fuck would you say that?
"Because I'm talking to a painted, Leather clad, Rude, foul mouthed, Evil Klown!"
Why do you call me Rude? Boy-O?
"You don't even think about the consequences of what you say. Who's feeling you may hurt. If there is a better way to say it or if you really mean it. You just spew this vile verbal diarrhea."
According to the Death test you have 3 fucking years left. I only have two more months. I don't have the time to fuck around with being gentle. You have some realities to face and if I have to beat you into seeing them so be it! You will change! Now,  About Last Night!
"Only Rodger understood and I felt like I let him down."
Back-up. Understood what?
"What was bugging me. Even said it politely like I couldn't. Put his finger on it and I don't think he even knew."
Starting to sound sexual and I know You couldn't get laid. So, I'll ask again. Understood what?
"All a matter of perception. I'm sure that's not really what happened."
But it's bugging you. Now its bugging me and I'm about to slap you like a Bitch! Who did What?!?
    "Why did they leave so soon?" Melissa asked as she - Rodger and I were gathered around the computer listening to Rex Rant.    ..."
And you said What?
"Maybe I should back up to what I heard as sarcasm."
If you must, but realize my hand is in the air. I will hit you.
"Leaving so soon?' I asked and she looked at me "I have to get some sleep." fell out of her mouth. I smelled sarcasm but I bet it was the truth. I don't think she meant it ... that way."
You just don't want to believe she could. It's possible. She left - Melissa asked why and you said -
"I said it but I didn't really mean -"
SLAP!
Mean it or not she hurt your oh-so tender fucking feelings and then in a fit of grouchy indignity you said behind her back -
"Probably left because I made her get off the computer and turn off the TV so I could hear what I wanted to do. Hell, yesterday she got up and I sat down to check my e-mail and she came back and asked if she said she was done. I snapped at her then too. 'Do I care? I'll be done in a minute and you can continue.'"
Rodger understood this.
"He turned to Melissa and said, 'Cancers are the kindest people if you ask. Don't take. You ask and we'll give you anything - but don't pretend its yours.' It made perfect sense and it was even said nice."
How did you let Rodger down?
"He came over specifically to use the computer. To see Mike on his web cam. He brought dinner over and he wait patiently even as she used the computer. Mike never logged on. After Rex I had to try and sleep again. They left without question. Rodger asked and came over for one thing and didn't get to do it."
Wasn't your fault. You where ready to comply. It was Mike that let him down. Not you.
"That night he did so much for me and I feel like I let him down. I continued to take from him. He's the one to give me the Pow Wow button. I can't pay him back until the 7^th and he said he doesn't care if I do or not."
Three friends. One good, one bad and one there. Not everyone has a great day. Look at you. Melissa probably wanted to talk and you turned her away so you could go to bed and call the cops on your own fucking orgy.
JERK!
"You always make me feel so much better." I said with absolute sarcasm. Jax slapped me on the Back.
Glad I could help. Go back to work. I'm sure you have plenty to do.
~@~ RJ
:23:00
What a complete waste of ...
"I had a great time. I've never felt better ... more at ease."
You haven't been to sleep. Your at ease because your tired.
"Shut up Siksika."
If you're calling me sick, I am. If you're calling me blackfoot, I'm not. Look at the face pain, Buck'o. White man
"Pale face you may have, but that pattern looks familiar.
Nomadic Indians, Gypsies, Carny folks and Clowns. Don't think I haven't noticed the message to move."
Go to bed and try not to call the Cops on your own wet dream this time, Jerk-off
"Twice today by the way. One more reason I'm mellow maybe."
Sleep, fucker.

9909.04

Haul off and hit the Old Bitch!
"Do you want me to kick your ass again?"
Excuse me? You talkin' to me? Because I don't think so. The day you kick my ass is the day you die trying.
"I'm seriously having doubts about leting you out - even if it is only for Halloween."
You couldn't stop me if you tired. Listen, you may think I'm a jerk But look at the way these people treat you! That was your own Fucking Mother calling you a liar and over What?
"How many cookies I ate and money I needed."
Not even that you ate to many cookies - but not enough. What's up with that? You ate two cookies, you had a third argueing about it. She thinks your ready to stead fastly lie about a second phantom cookie to make here think you're eating well.
"I had two cookies not one. I know what I ate. I won't lie about how much or how little I eat."
Then she turns around and argues about the money she gave you.
"I shouldn't have told her I needed it."
She gave you $20. That's more then enough to get the milk you need and a beverage at the Pow Wow.
"Beverage?" I said with a smile.
A Fucking Drink! Back off, Smart Ass.
"I know. I just shouldn't have told her I needed the twenty. I should have just said 'Gee, you shouldn't have.' and gone on. She'd have been none the wiser."
If I can't change sides - you can't change fucking sides. Fine! You want to be honest and tell your Mom 'Thanks for the money - I actually needed it.' Then go ahead, but she shouldn't have thought you where destitute and begging for more money trying to give you her last $10. How much does she think Milk and Drink are?!? For Gods sake $20 was more then enough to cover that and Sunday dinner. You even told her you get paid on Thursday. It was the second time she called you a liar and argued with you about it. You should have smacked the Bitch then maybe she'd think twice about doing it again.
SMACK ! ! !
    Jax lay on the floor.
"I maybe grouchy and irrateable. I may be fighting certain impulses. But fighting the impulse to hit my Mother is NOT wrong. Yelling at freinds trying to help me - NOT wrong. Maybe I restrain to much but I would rather it be to much then not enough.
You Shut the Hell UP!
Just for one Fucking Day!!"
Then sleep, asshole! Its your lack of rest that makes you like this. Wouldn't you prefer nightmares to this kind of waking psycosis?
"Do you want contacts?"
I ain't wearing them sissy ass glasses over the face-paint.
"Lets get used to wearing them then shall we?"
Oh, on top of tired eyes. Those will feel good.
"In or out, fucker?"
Lets try in and see how they do.
"I didn't call the cops last night."
No just danced around in a circle all night
"Felt good."
I got dizzy.

RJ

9909.06

"I've got a question for you."
"Shoot." I said with the enthusiazm of meeting the challenge of a query.
"I'm sure a lot of people have asked you this, but I'm just curious and I don't want you to get mad so On second hand I won't ask."
Are you as dizzy as I am from that logic trip?
"Oh, Okay." I respond. "Now my curiosity is peaked. What where you going to ask?"
"I just don't want you to get mad."
Jax grabed my tounge, but I was still in control as I responde,
"I might get mad if you don't tell me."
"Okay, I'll ask but you are under no obligations to answer at all."
"Fair. Now, Shoot."
"How are you?"
"I'm fine." I answered with a chuckle. Why would I get upset over such a simple question?
"Even though you still have a cough and can't sleep and are feeling a little depressed." She laughs. "I believe you."
Is she trying to convince herself or you?
Must be herself because I'm not convinced.
Let's Let her have it! Jax said walking up behind me with a growl and a sneer. My elbow proceeds up and back in a swift action hitting Jax in the nose. It makes the sound of a squeaky toy as his feet fly into the air. He lands on the floor with a small cloud of smoke and loud -klunk-
"Its the second time they ask," I said, "with that look of 'You sure? You aren't lieing?' that pisses me off. This is a completely different tack-tick with the same result." <why did I say and write it like that?>
Right! She's trying to say you aren't fine. And she's using information from your journals to try and second guess you. Why the Fuck did you hit me?!?
"She's making the effort to change her response. Her attitude."
She didn't Succeed!
"But she tried. In trying to second guess me though she failed. The melatonin is making what sleep I get better. The indian drums have calmed me tremendously. She obviously didn't notice I hadn't coughed until I laughed. That throughout the night I cough less often, less violently when I do. Maybe I should have answered 'better', but after all, you're still here."
Oh, Thanks a Fucking lot. I love you too, Shit head.
"Its okay. You're better, too. I can talk to you. I'm not restraining you like I was."
What about my Fucking nose?
"Why would you put it there?"
Look pun-K
"We aren't fighting, we are communicating. Sometimes I have to communicate on your fucking level, but it isn't a fight."
What brought that on?
"Pissed out. No energy to get mad. Indian drums and song. Makes me calm. Time in the water. Learning to be placid and flow. I won't deny you. I can restrain you."
So you fucking think.
"Oh, my teenage son. You know but you don't understand. You'll learn though. It just takes time and patience."
Yours or mine?
"Heh - Evidently both."

RJ

9909.06:22:30

"I know you are just waiting to say something. Go ahead."
Two more fucking strays.
"Short term."
Oh sure. That's what you said about Donnie, Marty, Devin and even Bil. All of them just walked all over you like the doormat to your open house. So first you take in a fucking kitten -
"Haven't had that kind of energy in the house for awhile. It's been 19 years since Doctor was a kitten like this."
Fucking mongrel stray just like its owner who managed to find his way into your home only hours later.
"What was I supposed to do? Put him on the streets again?"
He's lived there before. He can do it again.
"He shouldn't have to. No one should. A home I was going to try and get him out of - kicked him out. At least he knows that in this house he's welcome and we won't be trying to get sexual favors from him."
He was kicked out because he wouldn't put out. What makes you think he'll put up anything?
"I'm not asking him to. He's a guest. And I've already made it clear it is for a short time."
Okay, I only have two things left to say. One, Lets not forget who we are relying on to get him out of here. Someone who you said you would not become involved in his problems.
"Devin already feels the weight of his failures to provide. He has only himself to let down."
But dozens that it effects now. Including You! Because, Two, You know Damn well you won't put that boy on the streets and if Devin can't (or won't) help him that leaves ...
"Him."
You! Fuck nutz! He clung to Devin for his survival. Now he has you. Someone with a job and a house with power, lights, water oh! And lets not forget a computer! My God he spends as much time logged on and plugged in as Devin the ultimate cyber addict.
"I have only one thing to say."
Oh, I suppose I should be impressed that the Great and Wise King is able to counter Two concerns with only one counter thought. What pray tell is this pearl of wisdom?
"You where the one that wanted to stir things up. Stoke the embers of the fire. Shouldn't this push things to the limits?"
Jax made a fist and grind his teeth together in a fearsome smile. I mearly stood and grinned.
Stalemate - and the gray ash of the fire pit sat stagnate in the breeze of the upcoming fall nights.

9909.07

"Don't you ever sleep." I asked, twice, to get his attention away from the computer screen he'd been glued to for hours.
"Yeah." He said with a click of the mouse and the peck of two finger typing. "During the day."
Excuse Me! Don't you think a kid in your position should be out during the day looking for a say ... a HOME or maybe, oh I don't know ... A JOB!!
Hey Fuck nutz! Why aren't there any quotes around this? Why haven't you said anything? You know I maybe the Klown here but you are getting funnier by the minute. I've got some extra face paint. You want something to cover that 'SUCKER' sign on your forehead?
I sit, like the thinker. Speaking out loud, rambling, like a madman.
"Devin juggles the balls. They become weights and he drops one. I catch it before it hits the ground. I hold it out for him to take. Why can I only see his back? Why does the ball seem to get heavier every second I hold it? Why did I catch it? It wasn't my burden. Just my choice. Was it my choice?"
Good Gods! Jax says snapping his fingers in front of me. I'm going to lose the crazy fucker.
"Why would he even mention to me depression, Bi-Polar, shrinks and suicide?"

RJ

9909.09

-Del Amitri - Driving with your boots on.
"When you're driving with the breaks on
When you're swimming with your boots on
Its hard to say you love some one
And its hard to say you don't."
Yo! Pimp! What are you singing about?
"With righteous indignation
I exclaim
Why do I always
have to explain." -?-
Fine! Don't tell me Fucker. Treat me like a mushroom - Just keep me in the dark and feed me shit.
"You see, I'm just a jerk.
But a heroes what I want to be." -Joy drop-
Enough with the singing. You really haven't been the same since those Dancing Clowns in deerskin.  Buffalo skin Carnival tents, fire light and that insane screeching.
"How does it feel when your heart grows cold?
How does it feel?
How should I feel?
Tell me, How does it feel?
To treat me like you do?" -Erasure / Orgy-
Hey Fuck nutz! You in there?
Lets talk about last night, Pimp. Was that exciting? Watching porn and dressing your friend in Leather and chains and taking nudie pictures of him in front of the innocent little straight kid.
"You've got that so wrong."
It speaks! I just call it the way others will see it.
"Thought you called it the way you saw it."
You don't want to know what I  think. ~ silence ~ Or maybe you do. I think you just allowed the Wizard to work his magic on a friend of yours. Worse, you acted like his pimp. Doing the dirty deed for him. I figure you've given distance to the whole situation because you realize he failed to corrupt you on vacation, and a few times since then. Since you are some empty vessel, his sex magic fouled out of you like a bad baseketball shot and the ball landed on your friends. He's still manipulating you. You hate that he's used you for his fantasies not only because now you also have to watch - not particapate so much, thought you are instrumental. You took porn pictures of a friend - good pictures mind you - and even drew in an "innocent" spectator (Don't get me started on that 'straight' boy) and what pisses you off the MOST   You never would have been able to convince anyone to do it and when someone else did - You didn't even have the emotions in you to enjoy it!
Pissed out little fire boy feels used, and ugly or inadequate. What do you think of that!!?
"The black balloon inflates.
Filled more and more with ...
... Nothing ...
I don't feel any of this is true.
Truth is ...
I don't feel anything.
I'm an empty balloon.
Subject to the currents of the wind,
And the playful hands of children."
Until you Fucking Pop.
Listen, I'm trying to keep the explosion from happening. Lets heat the air so you can rise above it.
Hey! Where are you going?

RJ

Is that it then? You won't listen to me anymore? I'm just a silly moster, an Evil Klown? A parody of emotion vs. Reason?
I think you underestimate me. I don't think you're done with the Dark Carnival or the Psycho Circus. I think you are still in the box. Alone in the cold darkness. Most of all, I think you underestimate the punchline in the joke.
If you don't acknowledge me ... the joke only becomes creuler.
"Hey, what are you writting?"
"Nothing." I replied.
"What's in the book?"
"Evidently, its my sanity." I said.

9909.11

I approach from the east. I saw his silhouette against the setting sun. I said hello but he said nothing. He only sat with his back to me, watching the sun set.
"Its not right for you to be mad at me like this." I said walking around to face him. He rotate with me as I walked around. Now we had our backs to the sun, facing east. I looked at his pale back, criss-crossed with leather straps and shining metal buckles.
"I've done everything you asked. I've given until I can't give anymore. Hell, I even bought you gifts. Almost ready for your big debut." He sat in silence. I stared at his back. Surrounded by the silence and impending darkness I noticed the tattoo on his back. I always knew it was there, I just never looked at it.
A triangular face. Dot - Dot - Dash staring back at me. Above it was the word - Indifference.
"Fine." I said meekly. "Well, Since I'm over here now, You aren't watching the sun set. What are you doing?"
Watching it get darker.
"It speaks!" I said with vast sarcasm.
"It jokes! It must doing well." I began to walk north. A cold wind washed over me as I followed the tattoo ribbon from the mask of Indifference, under the leather strap, to the mask on his left shoulder.
You know what's funny? he said as my eyes rest on another triangular face. Dot - Dot - U stared up at me under the word - Comedy.
"What's funny." I said stopped in my tracks. A White gloved finger point at me, surrounded by spikes. With the sun glaring in my right eye, closing it, my left eye focused on the white tip as he said,
You are a Fucking Hypocrite.
As his arm fell from point, he turned once again. Dot - Dot - Dash staring back at me. Caught in the shadows of the setting sun.
We faced the South now. Green trees shuddered in the shadows as the north wind caressed them. I knelt down, facing to the east again, and contemplate the accusation. The problem in arguing with yourself is that you always know exactly what you mean.
Faced with indifference, I assumed anger and showered him with apologies, gifts of appeasement, all in a stance of help that very much resemble pity. Everything I had come to hate and resent.
I fell back of my ankles with this realization. My ass firmly hit the ground and forced the air out of me for a moment. I looked down to the dirt, I raised my head to the darkening sky and inhaled a sigh. The sunset left velvet purple clouds in a midnight sky. There where no stars to be seen yet. I looked up to Jax as he sat there, fist to chin like the Thinker. On his right shoulder, Dot - dot - frown looked at me cock-eyed with the word - Tragedy looking as if it would slide off his head.
That's the problem with Evil Klowns, they show you the joke, and you can't laugh through the tragedy.
"Jax ..."
No, I'm not talking to you. He said turning his back to me once again. We faced East as the sunset behind us. I lay down and tried to find the stars in the darkened sky. To many clouds. The dark grew cold. I could once again feel the puzzle box closing in around me as I stare at Jax's back. Dot - Dot - Dash staring back at me in the last purple hues of the setting sun.
I felt the chill of the night air. I felt a desire to be close to someone even thought I knew he was there. I felt nothing else. All or nothing. Kind of an emotional neuropathy. I wished a storm would brew, but the clouded night sky was calm.

9909.12:00:30

The absence of stars made the dark lonely. I stared up to the heavens and wished for an Angel.
"Sweeping up the floor, Open up the door, Turn on the lights, getting ready for the night, No one is in the mood for Romancing, Because its to early for Dancing, but here comes the music ..."
    -Jean Love and Special Sauce, Rodeo Clowns-
He appeared over me suddenly. The tattoo on his chest nearly glowing in the night. Dot - Dot - Gash glaring down at me. As I saw the word - Hatred, the joke hit me (I never see that left coming).
SMACK! Get up off your back and do something! Jax yelled. He seized my shirt in his fists and pulled me up from the ground by my chest hairs. Pulled close to his painted face, the heat of he breath stuck to me as he yelled
What Do you want to do with Your Life!?!
Pushing me away I slammed into the Dark wall of the puzzle box. The blackness shattered like glass around me. Crystal white cracks radiate out like a spider-web from my head. Now with this violent halo about me, I only replied.
"Be loved."
Jax once again clenched his fists and pulled me from the dent in the wall, only to throw me back down to the ground. His leather boot swiftly kicked me in the side then landed firmly across my neck.
You seem to think you can accomplish this by letting others walk all over you. Take and break you. No one likes a weakling!
"They are only things."
They are your  things!
"Just objects." I repeat
Broken Objects! Jax emphasized. Expensive, hard to fix objects! Objects you lend with trust and receive back broken with out so much as a Thank You! And what do you do? You say nothing! he says with a kick. You decide to go for a walk! he says with a kick. And you write about how you wish for a lover! he keeps kicking me while I'm down. FUCK YOU! PUSSY BOY! KICK THESE MOTHER FUCKERS OUT AND REPAIR YOUR LIFE!
Then into the darkness he vanished leaving me to my pain. Which wasn't so bad, because it was only an imagined physical pain.
I lay on the ground like a broken machine. Yellow gold eyes moving from side to side pretending to REM sleep, pretending to dream, but only sorting Data.
"This is not Logical" Spock said reaching down to the Android.
"Perhaps not." Data said excepting the hand. "However, a reasoned response is all I am capable of. I have no emotions from which to respond."
"To reason an emotion is not logical. To reason a response would be."
"Inter-acting with humans, I have learned, They will perceive an emotion in the response - no matter how reasoned or logical it truly is."
"That is an unfortunate paradox in dealing with humans." Spock agreed. Then the two stared at each other is silence. Having made their observations, they had no logical or reasonable solutions to offer. They stood like dry wood in a pile waiting for a fire.

RJ

9909.13

I lay in the blackest night curled up in a ball, surround by pools of my blood and vomit. The grass tickle my nose as I watched bugs swarm over the warm chunks of food I coughed up. I could feel bugs crawling all over my arms, legs and back. I think they were bugs. It could have just been my hair standing up and moving other hairs. I could never tell the difference any more without looking.
The taste in my mouth was terrible. I tried to spit, so I wouldn't gag. I tried to regulate my breathing, but I only began to cough again. With a groan I rolled onto my back and slowly stretched out under the black sky. I could hear Jax ranting in the background.
Fucking pussy! I can't believe I have to help him so much. Doesn't have the balls god gave a dog. Hey! You Son of a Bitch! Don't you fucking move unless you want me to come over there and kick your ass some more. Fucking Fairy ass cock-sucking door-mat!
"He's right." I thought and spit to the side, swallowing the rest. He may have the tattoos, but I'm the one with sucker written across my forehead. With great effort I began to sit up. It hurt, but it made me feel good. I could hear boots stomping across the ground.
What the Fuck did I tell you!?!
With the smell of Leather and grease paint upon me, my head was thrown back to the ground. In a whirl of Leather and skin, Jax's leg swung over me and his vest fluttered as his hairy ass descend until  a great weight sat on my chest.
Look Fuck head ...
"Get off my chest." I gasp.
Oh, Get off your chest. Isn't that Rich! Is the weight to much for you strong man? You can't get shit off your chest, what makes you think I'll move or wipe your ass?
"Help me up." I said under the weight.
Now he wants help! Look here fuck-face I've had about enough of your bull-shit pontification.
I looked up to see him leaning in over me. Forearms resting on Leather clad knees as he straddle across my chest. Dot - Dot - Gash staring down at me.
"Get that fucking hate face away from me! And get off my chest now!" I yelled curling up and pushing with my arms until I was sitting up and a slightly surprised Jax was sitting in my lap. I stare into his crystal black eyes. "I'm tired." I said with a gasp. "Tired of beating myself up. I'm feeling better. I'm feeling a little defiant. I have a fucking plan."
Little Men talk, Big men do. From where I sit, I hear a lot of talk, but I don't feel any balls.
Leather legs wrapped around me and I could feel his spiked cup begin to press into me.
Do you feel that, Juggalo? I know what you're thinking. I've got a reall hard on for the plan. But ask yourself - Do I have the balls to push a-head and make this fucking work? Because if you don't - you don't have the desire - and I am nothing more then a limp dick and you will NEVER be satisfied!
Do You Hear Me!?!
"Get off my chest!" I growled into his face as puke and blood drooled out of my mouth. My breath strained through clenched teeth.
Leather Whizzed by my head again. Jax rolled backward off my lap and land standing at my feet with a white outstretched glove extended. I saw the heat in his eyes. I watched leather boots dig into the ground.
Either I take his hand and he helps me up - or I was going to lose all my teeth with a boot to the head.
RJ

===================================================================

===================================================================
9909.14 (This one is unedited)

Nick, you where still asleep, so I wrote this note.

Here are your chores for the next couple of days.

1) Call your old school and find out if they have a copy of your yearbook that you can buy, borrow or get a photocopy of. - if the answer is no > Call Jostens (the year book company) and find out what it would take to buy, borrow or get a copy from them.
I found out this is what you need - you can get it.

2) Fill out that form for your Birth Certificate. (I got it for you - you can fill it out). Call and find out if there are any fees before you send it. - If you haven’t heard from Rodger, Shane, or Barb from the office of vital statistics (Kansas) then they probably don’t have your birth certificate here (in the state of Kansas) - but you can call and ask them to make sure if you want.

3) Get the form you need for your Social Security Card. You need it and a picture ID to get the card. I found this out - you can do it.

Let’s try to remember you are helping yourself get back on your feet.

You need a picture ID (a drivers license or State Picture ID).
You need your social security number and a copy of the card for employers.
These are the things you must have to be able to get them.

I can’t do this for you - You have all the information they need. You can answer the questions they ask. You need them - not me.
With these, you can find a job - find a place to live - start a bank account (with credit) and get on those porn sites you like so much.

Here’s the deal. If you need rides to places to pick any of this up - ask me (if I can I will do it), arrange it (even if that means learning how to get there on the bus) or walk. (Remember you are not stuck in this apartment - Just use that spare key to lock up if you leave, put it under the mat. When you get back if it isn’t there - someone is home that will let you in.) These things must get done. You have free use of the phone to accomplish these things (they are all local or 1-800 numbers - Get all the information you need before you go there unprepared).

Wednesday, I’ll ask what you have gotten done. If the answer is nothing or I don’t see that you have made the effort to pursue these goals fully - then you won’t get to use the computer (no internet - no e-mail - no chat - no porn). You still have a roof over your head, and food around. If I don’t see you making the effort to help yourself out - then you could very well end up the streets again by the end of next week.

Get to work.

PS. If you remind me, I’ll show you how to do the push ups you learned about and show you the Dips. I’ll even do them with you if you like. I’ll make you do yours if you make me do mine. Then we can both be the buff studs we want to be.

Jax smiled with a firm handshake and a pat on the back.
Brillant! he said
"You liked the note then." I said with a smile.
No - Pussies way out. Should have just kicked his ass out the door. Did like the way you hit him the Dick though. Sure did snap him to attention. I swear if he walks in and wakes us up with another Stupid question I'll use that beautiful sleepwalking lie to knock the shit out of him.
"Your happy about the lie." I asked with disappointment. The Joke pat me on the back again as the tragedy gripped and shook my hand.
My God Yes! It was brillant and well told. Not many could be caught buck naked trying to catch a peek of skin and recover that gracefully.
"Stop it." I said letting go and stepping out from the pounding on my back.
What?! Come on! I'm sorry you got caught - Even more sorry you didn't actually get to see anything - But you got away with it. Jax laughed, God, the look on your face when the lights came on and you just stared at the puffed wheat in your hand. 'Wasn't I asleep?' Jax laughed some more That was Fucking Brillant!
"I shouldn't have been there in the first place."
Your house, you had every right.
"I had no bussiness trying to see that."
You didn't get to see shit. You had every right to try and see what he was doing. Christ! If he's going to mooch off you and use your computer to wack his pud the least he could do is let you watch.
"Christ, You are as bad as the rest. I can't believe I stooped so low."
If you hadn't stooped when you did you would have been caught dick handed.
"It never got that far."
You wanted it to.
"Not the fucking point." I yelled.
Oh Fucking Stop it! There was no harm done. You did what any man with a working dick would have done and you were quick witted enough (even half asleep) to keep yourself innocent and maintain his trust.
"If he bought it."
Please! That blonde headed moron ...
"Stop it! I hate it when others insult his intellegence. He may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but he can cut just the same. He's been called stupid often enough he's starting to believe it and it isn't true."
Guess you're right. After all he's smart enought to be living rent free on the west side of town.
Jax fell to the ground leaving a red arch of Blood in the air as I shook my hand from the pain of hitting his teeth.
Feel Better?
"Yes!" I said abruptly. "No." I said reluctantly watching my knuckels swell. "God, I hate it when that foul mouth of yours spews out the truth."
Funny how the truth hurts, isn't it?
"Comedy - Tragedy - Evil Klown - I get it already."
You don't get Dick! You can't even sneak a peek at it.
Jax's laughter was cut short by the second punch to his mouth. He started laughing again as I danced around cursing the pain in my hand.

RJ

9909.16

"Gods, ... It's still Dark."
Heads Up! Well, If I've learned one thing in this box its to stay on your toes. I quickly turn to the sound of Jax's voice only to be struck soundly in the forehead by a glowing green ball. I'm lifted off my feet, and as the ball seems to hover in the air I watch it float as I lay down. I feel like I'm floating on water or as if there is no gravity. I almost feel like I could fly. Then suddenly the earth slams into my body and my lungs give up their air.
I can hear Jax laughing. I think back to high school and the bullies that used to abuse me this way. Pick on the weak ones. Kill them or make them stronger. I didn't die. I didn't become stronger. I became smarter ... and full of vengeance. I drove myself to become better. Better then them. I denied the vengeance because it wasn't right. I didn't want to stoop to their level. I wanted to draw those weak minded Neanderthals onto a mental playing field so I could snap their psyches like twigs and leave them institutionalized with their guilt.
I watched the glowing green ball grow larger in my vision. Rotating slowly like some distant planet. I was suddenly able to painfully make my lungs work. I inhaled a deep hatred for Jax. He was every bully I ever had. Still better then I am physically. Still better mentally because I'm the one with the splintered psyche. Fuck, I'm fighting with myself in a puzzle box ... and loosing.
I became better then the bullies. I never smoked, I never drank, I never did drugs, I didn't have sex. I had a superior will power. I never fought, I never had emotions. I had morals and ethics set in stone ready to support my bronze body (when - If - I ever get one).
The rock then bounced off my forehead again.
Hey Superman! Watch out for the Fucking Kryptonite! HA! HA! HA!

I hate him. More then any bully because I made him. He's as smart as I am with all the mean I never let myself have.

Get the Fuck up, Piss ant.
"Gods, I hate you."
Fucking Tough Shit. Look Dung-brain, unlike those Bullies you remember so fondly, I am here to help you.
"What?! Your idea of help is to bean me with a fucking rock so you can prove I'm not Superman?"
No, to prove you are only Human. Give yourself a Fucking Break before the weight of the World crushes you.
"I know what I can do. I know what I can tolerate."
Listen Shit-head! You kick-off or get sick ~ So do I. I ain't about to let it happen. You are HUMAN. You require SLEEP your require FOOD.
"You make it sound like I'm up 24-7 and don't eat anything. I get sleep. I eat."
You sleep two or three hours at a time before some inconsiderate Ass-wipe wakes you up without so much as an apology. KICK THE JERKS OUT!
"You just ..."
SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'm still talking! Kick them out and as for the food ... I admire the idea that you won't go and buy more food for the lay abouts but in the mean time you are living on the scraps they leave behind!
"I eat every day."
A sandwich, if you can find something to put in it, Rice and Pasta with the occasional frozen Pizza and candy from damaged is not a good diet. Its no wonder you don't feel great. You think this is making you strong?
"I have the will power and the tenacity to outlast them."
Fuck that! Have the balls to kick them out on their ass and go get some food and sleep undisturbed.
"They have their dead lines."
You had your chance to have Nick throw himself out and you Fucked that UP!
"I'm not going to throw him out on the street with no place to go."
Oh, Yes you fucking will! Do you really think he'll find a place before the end of the week? He won't even look until he finds out how cold it is outside.
"Then lets make sure its Fucking cold."
Don't talk back to me nut-sack. I'm just saying he's already proven that he wants everything handed to him and he'll only do the minimum amount of anything to stay.
Come on! You watched him! Three fucking days to find a copy of his year book or his birth certificate or even just look up the fees for all these ID's. What the Fuck did he have?
"Nothing. He said so himself."
No patience - No follow through - No results - No fucking brains. I'll give you credit for one thing ...
"I said he couldn't use the computer."
Stuck to your guns. Good man! He said with a hearty slap on the back. But when he got all upset and said he'd just leave ...
"I stopped him."
Why the Fuck did you do that?!?
"Because I wasn't throwing him out. I was telling him he couldn't use the computer."
But he was going to leave!
"And Go Where?"
Who gives a Shit?!? Where the fuck is he going to go at the end of the week? Not Your PROBLEM!! You did what you can for him. He doesn't want your help he wants your hand out. You should have let him go.
"He can't leave. I have to throw him out." Jax laughed.
Good little piece of rationalization. But I know you aren't that big a Prick.
"Okay, but if I had let him go ..."
Oh Shit! Like what you saw through the crack of the door is enough to make up for all this aggravation. Little Prick stood to close to the door so he could watch himself in the mirror and cum in the fucking sink anyway. At least this time you didn't have to pretend to be sleep walking.
"I still can't believe ..."
What?! That you are human? A Lonely man starved for love and thinking with his dick? What?
"Why does it always have to be sex?"
It's all Hormonal - You are a whore and you want to moan more. Nothing wrong with it.
Besides, Lighten up. It wasn't all sex. Just attraction to begin with.
"Migueal (sp?)"
Cute guy. Stranded - Didn't even ask for a ride, You just over heard him get turned down calling a friend. You asked him - he accepted. You talked for 15 minutes. You made him smile after a bad day. Helped him with a romantic suggestion for his and his girlfriends 1 year anniversary ... and what did you get for your trouble?
I smiled, "A smile, a handshake and a thank you."
And
"It was enough. It made me feel good."
No sex and it was the best you had felt all week. How about That!?!
One fucking ingrate teases you with it and you look then tear yourself up. If anything you should be upset you asked Migeul for a ride because He was cute and he never even hinted a thing to you.
"What are you trying to say. I should feel bad for different reasons?" SLAP!
Pay attention Dick-head! Human! Not Superhuman or even better then Human. If you keep beating yourself up over being human you will never be happy.
"Fine. I'll try."
Fuckin' A 'Fine' - Do or Do not there is not try.
"Fine Frog face." I said with a smile. Suddenly I was pulled in close with something that resembled a hug.
Two more things. Nick,
"Yeah."
Ever notice his eyes?
"They're Blue."
And Big as black balloons floating in a little blue sky.
"You think he's on something?"
Something to think about anyway.
"What else."
The book was open today.
"Had to happen while I was in the shower."
Do you think he can read?
"Who? Bil or Nick?"
Doesn't matter, Bad enough you write at work because you have no privacy - Why do they feel the need to nose around in the Box?
"Do you have a point?"
Get them out - soon. We need some time alone and soon.
"Are you making a pass at me?"
His grip tightened around my neck in a head lock then he kissed the top of my head and gave me a 'nuggie'
Auto-phallacio is always the best!

RJ

9909.17

Scavenger.
"It's good though."
It was theirs.
"They left it behind. It's mine now."
Scavenger.
"Hey, if it weren't for this I never would have found out Honey is good with peanut butter."
Gross.
"Try it."
Your mouth is my mouth ... I just don't get to talk.
"Much."
I want out
"Patience."
No, now.
"Learn to live with Disappointment."
OKay ... Farm boy
"As you wish."
Oh, Fuck off.
"What's your problem today? I got plenty of rest. I feel better. Nicks even been trying to get money from work."
Except he turns down the 'hard' work.
"His choice."
Quits when he's to tired and gets docked all of his pay for not finishing.
"His choice."
Can't believe you aren't pissed about him leaving the Sherbet out to melt over the counter.
"Accidents happen. I'll be pissed if he doesn't clean it up like I asked."
I'm bored.
"So."
I want to do something.
"Like what?"
I dunno. Watch a movie I haven't seen. Go out and eat. Drive to Denver or Austin or -
"That all costs money I don't have."
Kill someone
"Illegal and not fun."
Says you. You've never tired so don't knock it.
"Don't bitch at me because You're bored. I'm fine. I have plenty to do if I get the chance."
To get near your own computer.
"Drop it."
Want to play with the Kryptonite some more?
"Fuck no."
It enabled us to tell a good ...
"If I hear the word enable one more time -"
Enable
"Stop it."
Make me.
"No."
Then you just enable me to go on.
"I am not enabling."
Enabler.
"I'm going to have to hurt you now."
This is fun.
"Fuck you!"
Blow me

9909.18

"Step back ... and breath." I told myself.
Then fucking kill them all and let God sort them out.
"I can ... and will remain calm."
What uncontrolled Monkey Brained Ass fucked Shit wipes 'worked' last night!?!
"Eat some chocolate. I have some that a vendor gave me."
Broken glass, Salsa, peanut butter and Milk leaking over everything. Fucking Silly String sprayed over the whole mess.
"I'll clean it up. It's my job."
It was their fucking job to put it in there right! Why do you fucking put up with this!?!
"Because I have no Fucking Choice! Now Shut the FUCK UP while I clean up this Shit hole and do my real job."
How? They even went into your office and took the fucking tape you need to repair this shit!
"You are not helping me stay calm. So I'll ask only one more time ... SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Okay, I'll chill for just a bit but we got a whiney ass Mother Fucker and a haunting Bad memory to talk about.
"Give me an hour ... maybe two..."
~
"Okay, Who do you want to start with?"
Kick Ass! When you're pissed you get a ton of work done.
"I also get a ton of work done when everything runs smoothly the way I set it up. If people would just stop fucking with my work I could be happy AND Productive."
Hell, if they took the 5 seconds out to do it right, they wouldn't even need you, huh?
"Lets not tell them that."
Jax took out the time to laugh heartily as I stood with my arms crossed. Finally he looked at me ...
"What!?!"
Okay, Nick.
"Whiney Ass son of a Bitch! If I have to listen to him talk about 'How hard my poor pitiful Life has been' one more time I think I'll slap that stupid look off his face. Christ! I even had to hold his hand and watch him clean up that fucking Sherbet mess!"
He did find a yearbook
"NO! He didn't! He called the school. They said they'd look and call back. They haven't called back."
He tired! Maybe you should have let him use the computer.
"Who's fucking side are you on?!?"
Jax laughed as I continue to rant.
"Wouldn't that just enable him more? You can't switch sides! Do not tell me one thing then change sides when I do it, you Fuck!" I put my hand right on that hideous hate face and pushed Jax off his chair. He landed on his indifference and kept laughing.
"I told him no computer until I see a yearbook, ID, Birth Certificate or Social Security Card. I'm sticking to it. I'm trying to help him for Gods Sake. I'm not doing this to be mean. I'm trying to teach him about Consequences, Decisions, Choices, Options, Drive."
Ha-ha Good Man! but maybe you bit off more then you can chew. Rebus said it right. He's only built for 1 of 3 things. Continuous Charity, Jail or Death.
I raise my foot to kick Jax in the stomach as he laughs. He swiftly evade my foot then hit the one I was standing on with his boot. I fell to the ground and he jumped on top of me.
"How can you say that about anyone!?!"
Never kick the truth! Jax yelled into my face. It isn't your fault! Its his Choice! He said so himself! Flash Back!

Jax punched me in the nose.

"Have you thought about where you are going after here?" I asked him as he watched TV.
"What do you mean?" Nick replied.
"I'll say it one more time. You can't stay here forever. Have you been looking for anything else or are you just waiting for Devin to come up with something? Because I don't think he's looking."
"Why do you say that?" he asks
"Have you heard anything from him?" A blank stare was my answer. "Look, I think he's comfortable where he is. Because of that, he's just riding it out. I don't think he'll look until he's on the street. I want you to have a place to go. I think it's time you realized you can't depend on other people for the things you must have."
"I know that." he said.
"Have you thought about where you're going after this?" I asked again.
"Yeah, If Devin hasn't found anything I'll just be homeless again."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because I don't have the tools I need."
"What tools?" I asked.
"An ID, a Social Security Card, which I have to have to get a job so I can find a place!"
"Then we are back at square one. Get the tools."
"How?"
"Make the calls, Nick. Get the information. Find the year book or something else that will do its job. Do it now while you have a roof over your head and a phone you can use." I notice, at least, he's not watching the TV anymore.
"No one wants to help me." he says.
"I've given you the roof and the phone. The rest is all up to you. Nick, no one else needs these things - You do. You have to get them. You say you want them but you aren't doing anything to get them."
"I called! They say they'll call back or won't help me."
"Make Them! Call them back. Do not rely on them to help you - Make them help you. Hound them. Do not take NO for an answer. If they say they can't help you - ask them who can and then hound that person. They will not look unless they know you need it. One call doesn't do it. Is they don't deal with you on the phone the Go there."
"All they do is jerk me around."
"Jerk back, Nick. This is your life they are fucking with. You have to fix it or they win."
"Its not that easy."
"I never said it was easy. In fact I said it would be very hard. But you have to do it or you will be exactly where you were before."
"I never even got to stay anywhere longer then six months. What if I don't have a yearbook?"
"Find something else."
"Like what?"
"Something. Anything. A document with your picture and your name."
"What? Like my mug shot?" He says.
I'm dumbfounded for a second. Not because he has a police record ... I knew that ... But because he thought of something I hadn't ... that would work. Picture, name, age, vitals ... all there in law enforcement records.
"Yes!" I said. "That would work."
"How do I get that?"
"Go to the police and ask them for it."
"I can't, I have a warrant out."
That I didn't know.
"For what?"
Long story short - he stole food. Spent one night in jail and didn't show up for his court date. He forgot.
"Go to them and get that straightened out. Work it out so they will help you."
"Do you know how much that will cost?"
"No, Do you?"
"Like $200 or more."
"Back to the job aren't we?"
"Yeah, Duh!"
"Watch the sarcasm I'm trying to help. You have a job at Labor ready. You can get money. If you get your ID you can get a better job to pay them. They will work with you if they want their money."
"No they won't."
"Fine. Run from them until you're caught and you will have a home in jail."
"I ain't going back."
"Then make the decisions that will keep you out."
"I don't go looking for trouble. It just finds me."
"Bull!"
"Have you ever been in jail?"
"No, and do you know why? I made the choices to stay out. I don't break the law. When I do, I pay the consequences. Trouble doesn't find anyone. You make decisions that lead you there."
"That's not true."
"Okay, If trouble fell out of the sky you can still make decisions that get you out of it. Or you can do nothing, like you are, and just let more pile on you."
"So you want me to go to jail?"
"Not unless you have to. I doubt you would spend more then one night again if you went to them wanting to work things out."
"I can't go to jail again. I am a freedom freak."
"Your Choice. I've outlined the consequences. What is your next choice?"
"I don't know." he said despondently.
"You have things you can do. You just have to do them."
"I'll try."
"Do or Do not. There is no try."
"That is Science Fiction Bullshit."
"That is Art imitating life. Either you do it or you don't. Either way there are consequences and results. Try is a word for your conscience, not anyone else's. All anyone cares about is what you do or don't do. Period."
"Can I go for a walk?" He asked cornered and done with this conversation.
"Of course." I said. Either he listens or he doesn't. Can't make him do it.
The stars flash in front of me and my vision returns to Jax.
By his own admission he chooses Charity, Jail or Death.
"He could chose to do more."
If he does ... he's no longer one of 'those kind of people'. His choice, one I doubt he'll  make. Hell he thinks God is intentionally fucking with his life and he won't even listen to you try to relate the story of Job. He has no faith in anything, including himself. If he doesn't kill himself he'll get killed on the streets.
"Ironic isn't it?"
What?
"He was trying to talk a girl on the net out of suicide. Tried to get her to eat again. Sat down and told me he couldn't understand why someone would intentionally make their own life worse."
Hypocrite.
"He can see it in others. He just thinks his situation is different then anyone else's."
Yeah, God fucks with cry babies like him and helps everyone else. You can only guide him. He has to make the decisions to follow.
I repeat, It is not your fault. It is not your problem. You tried to help.
"Try is a word to ease your conscience. Do or Do not, there is no try."
You did - he did not. Let it go.
"I want to succeed. I want to do more."
You can't afford to. Harsh truth here. You may do more good if you turned him into the cops.
"Such Betrayal."
Your Choice. Do or
"Do not." I sat in silence for a moment deep in thought.
"Fuck. I still have work to do and we just wasted an hour."
I wouldn't say wasted. We still got a haunting memory.
"I'll be back."
~
Hey, Betrayal out of Love seems to be a theme in your life, eh J. BJ. Scarriot.
"I've even been betrayed by it. How'd that line from Farscape go? 'The universe is so infinitely large. How did you manage to find something as small as a virus?'"
Heh, and he replied 'Just lucky I guess.'
"Love. Betrayed by Love. Why did he have to call?"
Here we go.
"Why ask those questions?"
I want to know why she had to be involved ... and with such sarcasm.
"Catalyst."
Fuck that. Listen, twice now she tried ... did - My bad - you would think that the big Robot with flashing lights would start following her around yelling "Danger! Will Robinson, Danger!" I had to chuckle. What Kills me is she went back to the first weapon.
"I'm in no danger. The weapon doesn't want me."
He still hurt you - again.
"I'm sure it wasn't intentional. It was still good to hear from him."
You just wish he would have called without her reminding him.
"David has called and spoken to me before without Leah's nudging. I don't even know if she provoked the call rather then just remind him by her presence alone. I have to admit I think of them both every time I see her. She won't even talk about Jerry. Both of us got burned in that one. At least David was a pure effort to get two people she liked together."
Look at you! Getting all Googly eyed again.
"He made the freight train go through my head."
He ran your heart over with it.
"He didn't care that I was HIV+."
He was young, he didn't know better.
"Five years later, He's not so young."
He's not interested now.
"I know."
Very evident he doesn't even think of you that way.
"Thanks."
Kind of stings when he brings over guys his own age that he wants.
"That's enough, thanks."
All of them HIV negative I bet.
"Enough."
Calls you up and fills you in on his life only because she's there. 'Gee I just met a guy and I already hate him. But you know what I mean.' and you trying to be all cavalier about it 'Oh, my heart bleeds for you and your problems. I'd kill to have a boyfriend that was just rude.'
"Shut up."
''What? Don't you have a boyfriend? A date? Not even a fuck buddy? Why is Leah shaking her head no at me?'
"Enough. I'm tired of reliving a moment that just rubbed me the wrong way."
You didn't need to wake up and have two people remind you that you have nothing and worse! ...
"He didn't call back later like he said."
How's that freight train?
"Its such a lonely sound in the night, hum-nah-hum..."
Oh, Fuck! Not the Smiths! Stop singing you loveless poison dicked bastard.
"You shut your mouth, How can you say, I go about love the wrong way, I am Human and I need to be loved, Just like everyone else does!"
Run your back-up and go home for lunch with Mom. I give you one hour to paint a smile on your face for her.
A tube of grease paint hits the floor at my feet. I look up and see Jax walking away. Dot - Dot - Dash staring at me.

RJ

9909.20

I've only got one question for you.
"What?"
Why the fuck do you even give a shit? He is nothing but an inconsiderate drain on your finances, patients, health, and home. What makes him even deserve your fucking help?
"Thats two questions."
Look Dick Wipe ...
"I care because I should. I care because I can. I care because I believe Silence equals Death."
What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
"If I won't speak up for him, who will?"
Who cares?
"When its my turn, I will."
You will never be in his situation.
"Are you sure? Anything can happen."
If you where, you would be doing a hell of a lot more to help yourself then he is.
"He still needs the help."
He doesn't deserve it.
"Everyone deserves it. I believe that also."
Rational Bullshit.
"Okay, how about I feel for his plight."
Words are to big. What the Fuck do you mean?
"He's lost his identity. No one wants to help him until he has it back, but no one will help him get it. I had to fight hard for my identity."
Yeah, but You Fought for it.
"So, he's not as strong. When I was weak didn't I want shelter from the strong? I wanted a hero to help me."
Instead you became the hero. And he doesn't want help. He wants to be saved.
"Stop raining on the parade. Your make-up will run."
Well, you found him all the answers. You can be a brillant angel guiding the way in his life - If he takes the information and makes the right decisions. I will Repeat for the hearing impaired - You have done all you can. The Failure is not yours if he doesn't help himself.
Speaking of Help. You're in the Dr.'s Office.
"Yeah so."
They didn't help last time. Why do you bother going? What have they done for you lately.
"They try."
Do or Do not
"All right already! I still want to know. I need to be able to help myself if nessecary."
You are not Dr.
"Thank god. I don't have the patience."
PUN-K Stop it!
"Things are steady."
He talked about new meds. before.
"Considering the last few months I don't think its a fair assement."
Then Don't let him walk all over you.
"I haven't even seen him yet. Lets see what he has to say first, Okay?"
Okay - we wait.

9909.21

There where brief, but intense flashes of light in the dim ...
Shut The Fuck Up! No one knows what you're talking about with that poetic Shit. Say what you mean.
"Occasionally the light comes on behind those glazed over eyes of Nick's"
That lazy assed Son of a Bitch is still stupid 90% of the time.
"I'm trying to encourage the bright moments."
That's because you are an optimist.
"That's possibly the nicest thing you've said to me."
It just means you have rose colored stupidity, Shit for brains.
"Did you see the look in his eyes when I found a copy of his birth certificate?"
For him! Why did you do it for him?
"He was getting discouraged. I wanted to prove it could be done."
Four phone calls in two hours while you where at work. That was so hard you nearly broke a sweat.
"Point taken."
Next point ... Was the bastard grateful?
"The look in his eyes said thanks."
Thus NO!  So I have to ask, Why did you make all the calls about the yearbook?
"Because he's not making any progress and he's going to be on the street again in less then a week! He has to have an identity by then."
'I have an identity. I just can't prove it.' Jax said mockingly.
"Hey! Don't mock him when he is intelligent. that was a flash of brilliant light."
Lost seconds later to the TV and the desire to NOT make any phone calls. You gave him the number and the name of a woman willing to help him find his yearbook. Has he called?
"No."
Did he even wake up to answer the call from his social worker?
"He sleeps very soundly."
NO! Was he even awake at 1pm when you finally left a hard day at work?
"    "
Silence means Fuck NO! Fine! Go ahead and hand it to him. He still won't do anything with it. In the mean time you have no money - Fuck even less money then you thought.
"I made a subtraction error."
Dork! When does negative $235 minus $100 equal negative $240?
"I meant to write 340 rounding out even more then I spent to pad the math. I can go as low as negative 500."
Not 665! Instead you still have no gas in the car. No food. Errands to run and you write another check for $26
"I get paid in two days. I emptied the saving account to cover it all."
Now you owe the savings account $300 or you get charged $30 every month!
"$30 every month is still better then all the bounce charges and the charges for the credit line!"
You figure money like the national debt! Pull in the belt and drop the dead weight. You can't do this much longer. You can't declare bankruptcy again! Fix it before you end up on the street - Don't even open your mouth about Nick helping you on the street because he will drop you like a hot rock covered in Shit.
Now - Go to Bed!!!
"Are you sending me to my room?"
March! he said pointing back to my room and tapping his leather boot like an impatient parent.
So like the defiant son I am I gave him a Nazi salute and goose-stepped to my room.      I'll pay for that later.

9909.22

RJ

"Alright! I'm awake already." I said with annoyance just listening to people walk around. I opened my eyes to notice I was in a prison cell. The light came through the bars and cast familiar cross-like marks over my body. I was wearing a very old gray uniform in bad repair. No underwear, no shoes, just the bare essentials.
The guard stood with his back to me. Smartly dressed in a black leather uniform. It looked a little different, but I couldn't tell how. Tall riding boots, Jhad-hopper pants, thick leather gun belt, tight fitting tunic and a hat. There was an arm band, but I couldn't see it.
I realized I was hungry. Starving in fact. I felt very weak. My tongue was so dry it tasted like paste.
"Water, please." I said submissively to the guard, who never moved. I reached to the bars, "Some food and water, please." I said grabbing a hold of the rot iron bars. The guard never even moved. I thought perhaps he was deaf. I reached out and touched his leg. "Please."
"Mien Gott en Hiemiel!" he said leaping forward. He turned in an instant and swiftly kicked my arm into the bars. Surprised it wasn't broken I quickly pulled my arm back into the cell. Fearful of more retribution I began to crawl into the far corner as I cradled my arm. The guard leapt into the bars rattling them as he screamed at me.
"Don't touch me you filthy faggot!"
"Faggot?" I said in bewilderment.
"Soon as we dry you out enough, we will tie you to the rest of your filthy kind and use you to start the furnaces."
I looked down and noticed the tattoo on my forearm. The pink triangle on my sleeve.
"Oh, my god." I nearly whisper.
"Shut up - Fagot! You don't have the right to address God you abomination!" he screamed.
"Mercy." I uttered into the miasma rage.
"You deserve NONE! You are even of less value then the Niger I used to make my boots!" He said kicking the door.
Hey Solider! Jax said walking in. Calm down. He isn't worth your hate. He'll met the furors justice soon enough.
"Jah viol! her commandant! But he touched me."
Poor animal can't help himself. Don't worry, he isn't contagious ... unless you got a hard on, eh Solider?
"Neyt!!"
Good man! I was only kidding. Lighten up. Hey, what's the difference between a Jew and pizza? Jax asked.
"Sir?"
Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven. Both of them laughed heartily as my stomach rolled.
"Jax, how could you? That isn't funny."
He glared at me between the bars with his laughter and said ... Look at my face I'm an evil Klown. I'll point out what isn't funny as well. Besides, my face is also White. I'll do as I please to better the race of mankind.
"I'm white." I heard from above me. Nick sat up from the bunk and asked
"Why am I in here?"
I noticed the black triangle on his sleeve.
"I'm white." He said again. "I'm not a fag. I'm white." he repeat.
You're an idiot. Jax said.
"Neyt." The guard said, "A Misfit."
"What do you mean?" Nick begged. "I'm white."
"You keep the company of faggots." I said.
"I'm not gay. I just use them to get what I want. That's right isn't it?"
No, that is a weakness. You are so weak you have to rely on this kind of scum to help you? You are to weak to deserve life.
"It doesn't believe in God izer."
Ah, a heathen and a heretic.
"I can change." Nick said with sincerity.
I wouldn't want you to. You are lower then he is.
"Why? I'm white. I'm straight."
You pissed away all your potential. You gave up your faith, rely on the weak to hold you up and complain you aren't strong. You are a genetic defect.
"Nick, don't beg. It will only make it worse. In the eyes of hate, they only pretend to see color."
Smart faggot. To bad you will still die, alone and cornered.
"Jax, Why?"
The next time you decide to call me (a part of you, I'll point out) a fucking Nazi expect some fall out.
"You hate without reason. When cornered you reason your hate. What would you call yourself? You are a monster. That's why you are in the box with me. It's why you'll only get out on Halloween."
Fine stay in here and burn. Just remember, until you use some of me, on this side of the cage, you are still trapped and eating scraps, just waiting to die.
"I'll die with dignity."
You'll die with stupid Pride. Big difference. Because there will be no dignity in the way you go ... faggot. AIDS made you the poison they always said you were. Now you are contagious. You should be put down before you take the rest of us good people out with you.
"Where does all this hate come from?"
When have you ever been satisfied with what you are? How much do you have to do to believe you are a good person? How much do you have to give up or destroy before you are left with something you love?
Keep this up Jugaloo, and when you die ... you'll have no spirit to take with you.

9909.24
RJ
At least He made the Choices.
"Hi, Jax." We said in unison.
Take a Hike Gabby, I think I can handle it from here.
"How rude." She said sharply. Then with a loving glance and smile she turned to me, "Take care sweetheart. Try to remember it's your choice to worry about things you have no control over." After a gentle kiss on the forehead she fade into the darkness.
That purple Hared freak just gave you the kiss of death.
I had to laugh at the ... irony? of his statement. Then I fell into my state of corrective wisdom.
"She kissed me long ago and spelled our love HIV. I'm only waiting for her embrace."
Listen Shit for Brains, The Reason Nick doesn't Listen to you is because he can't understand you. Talking in Riddle like wisdom like some old green gargoyle with a hand up his ass.
"I speak quite plainly to Nick. Like all people he has selective hearing."
You are just still pissed at him about last night.
"I had no sleep. My mood was a a bit foul. But I still think its rude to ask to go on my walk and then take off with someone else in the park. Christ he could have been raped or something by that guy."
You where jealous beyond control.
"Jealous maybe, but not beyond control. I was worried as well."
Jealous! Green as a Jedi troll.
"Jealous of the possibilities he exploits with such fucking ease."
Don't Fucking swear! It isn't fucking necessary! he said mockingly. I said it to calm Nick. Make him think about what he says. Jax knew I caught the reference.
That's your problem. You think to much before you speak. You need to let the words fall out of your mouth like you let them fall on these pages.
"To much damage. To much misinterpretation."
To much weight on your chest.
"I'm to tired for this now."
Fine. Go to Bed. Throw out the trash from McDonalds and take your fed and scheming ass home.
"You think this is wrong."
Actually, I think its back handed. Why not come clean about not wanting to feed the sponges and actually starve waiting for them to buy food for the purest guilt you can get?
".... I'm going to bed."
Stop buying Milk and Cereal, Jerk, All or nothing!

9909.25

I awoke perplexed as Jax laughed. I remembered the dream from trying to sweat out the fever. Jax point his white gloved finger at me as he laugh and mocked my dream.
'It's so rare that money comes my way.' he said
"Sometimes nice things happen." I said in the dream.
'Even more rare a woman brings it to me.' he laughed.
"A woman didn't bring it this time." I said curling up next to him on the couch.
'This is true.' Jax continued to laugh as the man of my dream kissed my forehead with a gentle hug then got up and left.
Oh! Please! Don't leave out the part where you went into the bathroom to put on a cock ring and got caught by your dad Just before this scene.
"I couldn't get my balls out far enough to fasten the leather strap around them."
Worse! Your Dad didn't care he just talked to you about the money you spent on this guy.
"But I hadn't! I bought a bag of candy at the movies and then we couldn't decide what to see. We walked the mall and listened to sales men with pie on there faces talk about kitchen appliances while we ate the candy ... Resse's peanut butter cups ... Then went home to watch TV."
Oh, This is Rich! Don't forget the other weird thing.
"No .... "
Oh Come on! Its Funny!
"I wasn't taking him home. He still lived with his parents."
AND ... Oh Come on! If You don't I will.
"He was as old as I am. Paralyzed by the thought of being grounded by his parents for staying out late, let alone for being on a date ... with a 'man'."
Jax rolled on the floor holding his belly and kicking his feet in the air as he gasp for breath.
"Why him?" I thought out loud. "I never even really knew him. I can't even remember his last name right now. The math genius from high school. He fixed my Rubix cube after Dad moved the stickers around. That was the most interaction I ever had with him. ... Robert ... what was his last name?"
Who gives a Shit !?! You had a crush on him in high school.
"Not really. I admired him for his math skills. He was a popular brain kid."
Oxy-Moron!
"But it was true."
Awh, no ... don't!
"Don't what?"
Get all nostalgic on me.
"Wonder what he's doing now."
He's probably the pitiful mama's boy you saw in the dream cowering in the closet!
"That can't be right. Dreams aren't reflections of reality. He had his shit together in high school."
So What!?!! High School is far from the reality of what you will become. You where supposed to be a famous artist by now.
"That's what they thought. Not me. Frankly ... I didn't think I'd survive high school ... or coming out ... College was the joke that made me think I was going to be alive for awhile."
See! In high school you are still a five year old playing "When I grow up, I want to be a Fireman!" The world isn't done with you and often you turn out to be the opposite of what you where.
Look at Chad - not a famous band member climbing the carts and touring the world. Gay Republican tending bar and writing on the side. How about Steve? Pot using honor student now popular Drag Queen.
"Are you saying there is still hope for Nick?"
How the Fuck did you jump from your weird Ass dream about seducing a high school crush -
"I admired him ... I didn't have a Crush on him."
The Fuck-Ever! From your dream to Nick's Life. I have to continue asking ...
Why The Fuck Do you even Give A Shit!!?!! About that thumb sucking, bed wetting, brain dead, blonde prick tease! Anyway?!?
"Can't explain it. Don't want to give up. Can't help any more but I can't let go. And what you said wasn't fair."
He blames the cat and You are as Fucked in the head as that Dick wad in your dream. Maybe now that you don't have to wear a tie you have to much blood in you brain. Hello! he said knocking on my skull Are you drowning in there?
"I should get back to work."
Go ahead, Jerk. I can't talk to you now anyway. You're brain dead!

RJ

9909.26
RJ
Your Grandfather was a wise man.
"Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit."
'As far as possible without Surrender be on good terms with all persons.' Besides I'm you. I think that falls under 'Be Yourself.' or more to the point 'To thine own self be true.'
"Okay, we both know all the quotes the other does. Whats your point?"
I am here to help. You know it. It just pisses you off when I'm right.
"You are so rude and vulgar."
Only when you don't listen and you have to. We can talk ... we used to.
"You were manipulative then."
You only thought I was. I wasn't then what you thought I was ... I am not now what you think I am.
"You're not."
Not exactly. Remember how much you hate to be second guessed? Don't do it to me either.
"To us you mean."
However you like it. Now, back to your grandfather; before we run out of ink in this pen.
"I have another pen if nessecasy; You say one bad thing about Grandfather and I'll tear out your heart."
Hehe-he You'd try ... and fail. But completely not nessecary. I agree your Grandfather was a great man. A true Grand Father. More the father figure your father was. I wish you were more like him.
"See, again, share the same brain - I know what you're thinking. My Grandfather was never mean. You think I'm supposed to be more agressive and honest but you want me to do it at the expense of kindness. Grandfather wasn't like that ... I shouldn't either."
No, your Grandfather was a regular boyscout in the Milatary. He started the Civil Deffense program with a suggestion and a smile, and that gentel Magician you knew never put a liar in his place or turned his back on someone for the best.
" ... "
Your Grandfather knew there was a time to be nice and time to crack skulls. Your Grandfather wouldn't ever hide his money and run from his own home like a yellow bellied spinless snake. That is your Father showing through.
"I've heard enough!"
I don't think you have Dip Shit! Buy food and eat in your own Fucking home. Tell the sponges to pay up or the the Fuck out .. or better yet to just get the Fuck out.
"Nick leaves tommorrow ... no exceptions. Bil is packing. I'll help if I have to. I'm not worried about Bil. Like it or not I'm making him live up to a promise."
Promise?
"A deal. I said two months - he took three. He had ulterior motives and he failed them - his loss not mine. He's beating a dead horse now and I'm going to make him stop. It's for the best."
No exceptions with Nick.
"None. He will not stay in my home again. He can visit like any other friend - I'll not shut him out of my life. But he can not live with me. I'll not worry about him. He said himself - on the street I'll push myself harder because I have to. By his own admission this will be, regreatably, for the best. I want him to succeed so I will turn my back on him."
You will worry. You will be concerned.
"I will not turn back. My help is all verbal now. Moral support if nessecary. No money, no food, no roof ... no pity."
Maybe the message from your Grandfather reached deeper then I thought. Stop being your father now and go home. Face your problems there. Claim what is yours, don't drop it and wish you had it back. You've been at the Mall all day. Go to your home.
"Stir of Echoes was good though."
Cute Kid, also to young ... Go home
    your out of ink anyway
"It still writes, I just can't see it in the pen anymore."
Go Home
"To young? You have changed alot."
GO THE FUCK HOME!
"You're still mean." I said sticking out my tounge as I turned to leave.
Jax stood there for a moment ...
Good kid really. I just think I'm going to kill him before he grows-up.

9909.27

"God, Its so cold and rainy today."
Don't you Dare.
"I'm in such a great mood, i'm happy and dancing to the music while watching the rain."
If you even for a moment -
"I'm so happy he's leaving today!"
So your not ...
"Fuck No. I'll bet he isn't gone when I get home but I did say I would take him anywhere he wanted to go. I've taken my precautions. He picked a bad day to decide he shouldn't have found a place to go."
There may be hope for you yet.
"Heart of stone. The cat and Bil only have one week left. I can have it all back. Course I'll have to fill it up first."
Bastards aren't leaving you much, huh? Let's see in the freezer we have a bag of flour.
"Ice cubes."
Buddy - the trays are empty.
"Fuckers! How much effort is it to full an ice tray when you empty it?"
In the 'fridge we have assorted condoments in the door and a small tupperware container with  ... what is this?
"About an eight of a cup of spaggethetti sauce. Save it, I still have some spiral rotini to make."
They used the rainbow stuff last night.
"I've got the plain bag there in the bucket. I don't think they saw it."
Okay and do you think much of the gallon of milk will be left?
"I bought it last night."
With Leah's help.
"Twenty cents."
Couldn't have bought it without her. Back to the question at hand - Do you think much will be left?
"Half ... . maybe."
That does it for the 'fridge. Above the stove we have ... a ½ bottle of syrup and ...
"That cereal will be gone by the time I get home."
Next cabnet. Two cans of tomato soup. One four oz. can of peas and carrots ... Yuck ... The bullion cubes, boxes of rice ... flavored rice and noodles -
"They haven't eaten those because there isn't any butter to make them with."
Ah! and microwave popcorn.
"How much? Nick's been trying to eat that but he keeps burning it."
How the fuck do you fuck up microwave popcorn?
"Well first he'd set the microwave for like 3 minutes then decide it wasn't popped enough and then just burn it resetting the microwave. Now that I explained that to him he sets the microwave for five minutes but then walks away rather then listen to the pops and turn it off around four to four and a half ..."
What a fucking moron. I'm surprized you survived his making spaggethi.
"Hard to screw up spagetthi."
Hard to fuck up popcorn but he does. Wait ... you had to help the spagetthi too ... didn't you?
"Remind him to stir it ... every time. How to drain it with out burning himself. I didn't do any of it I just verbally coached it .. from start to finish ... What! He'd never done it before!"
Fucking moron.
"Smart kid. No drive to learn or do. Still smart ... just no common sence."
Glad he's gone?
"I will be after I drop him off. He won't want to walk in this rain."
Heart of stone.
"Cat at the pound in one week unless he's back for it."
Yeah ... Right!
"It about done with Doctors old food. I may have to buy some."
Let it starve.
"It's innocent of wrong here. Actually it's been the best of the guest lately."
But in a week ...
"I swear! It has tought me that I am not ready for a cat again. I hate the litter box and the clawed tiems. Nick or the pound. I don't care ... not mine."
Hope for you yet.
~RJ~
Why Me?
"Because it pissed me off."
I'm not listening. You Should Be in Bed! Jax turned his back to me. Dot - Dot - Dash
"You're listening, whether you admit it or not. So don't say anything. I'll say it all. Rather then feeling as though I betrayed him - I feel betrayed. It hurts even more when I 'm told by Devin and Leah that he felt I was stalking him - even if it was a joke.
I can see where maybe he thinks it. I astound him numberous times by telling him everything he did in a day. I ca't help it if he has no concept of quite and insomnia gives me the ears of a blind man.
It bothers me that despite all I did for him I was percieved only as a Diseased Leecherous old man. To him I was no better then the guy that let him drink and then pressured him for blow jobs."
Leah and Devin weren't happy about it either.
"They didn't have to tell me."
Did you ever consider it was all to make the letting go easier.
"Fuck that! I'd rather it be gut wrentching and hard then easy and full of hateful lies. I cared God Damn it! I still do. And I do not regret one minute of the experience or the descions I made."
Go cry.
"I wish I could. This is again a time, I wish I could. I want to. But the water will not flow from my eyes. I'm once again cursed to be an emotional man, made of stone."
Go to sleep.
"I pray to dream, and that angels of mercy watch over, Nick."
Shhhh ...

9909.28
RJ

"It's not right, but it's okay. I'm gonna make it anyway."
Shut the Fuck up Hollow Boy and listen good because now I've got a few things to say.
Dot - Dot - Gash stared down at me ... and I didn't care.
'A Name is just a name. Words can nver hurt me as long as I know the truth.' You used to say. 'Call me a Fag and I can't be offended because I am. If I wasn't I would know I'm not and thus shouldn't be offended by someone to ignorant to know what he's talking about.' Stop me if I miss quote anything here.
You are just pissed off because Dim bulb was still smart enough to know you weren't sleep walking and maybe even caught you looking through the cracks once or twice. You are a leecherous old man with a poison dick. Doesn't matter if you had pure motives to help him, you still wanted him. Maybe you didn't act overtly, but you still act. So stop all the 'he betrayed me' Bullshit!
"Why didn't you say any of this last night?"
You wouldn't have listened last night. I didn't want ot keep you up. After all, I told you to put your ass in bed. I'm not going to keep you up pissing and yelling about something you'll listen to when you're awake. Which Brings me to the Next Thing!
"Christ, just leave me alone."
Get the Fuck Out of Bed!
"Make up your fucking mind. In or out."
In at night, out in the Morning - That's how it usually works. Get your fucking rest ... don't Hide there. You go home and then go to bed and you just stay there until you have to go to work. Get UP!
"I'm sick. Still trying to shake the cold."
Don't Shit Shovel to me! I know you feel better after a shower an you omve around. You are using it as an excuse.
"You really think I have a poison dick?"
No, YOU do. Don't change the subject!
"I'm not, I'm out of bed. I'm at work. You don't have a very valid arguement to get out of bed when I am and still have a head full of snot and a headache. You said that and it remeinds me of Shane's question the other day."
"I was just thinking about it the other day," Shane said as he pulled me to the side, anway from the crowd. "And I fugure I could handle being HIV positive. But I would be afraid I'd give it to someone else. Do you think that also?" he asked.
You should have slapped him when you said 'Of Course!'
"No, I shouldn't have. I'm glad he was thinking about it. Like I told him, I do think about it ... all the time. Some don't. They're the one's you have to watch out for."
You aren't Poison.
"No, I have a contagious fatal virus."
You can contain it. You can be safe.
"A risk is still a risk, no matter how small. My presents is a risk."
Jax suden'y siezed my chest. Not just my shirt, but nipples and hair were clentched in the fists. As I inhaled from the pain, I was forced to exhale from impact with the wall
Liar!  Your presents in NOT a risk! You are not POISON! Your love will not KILL!
I laughed as he let go and I slumped to the floor. This was the closest to love I've seen Jax express without trying to make a joke out of it ... or patronize my feelings in mocking tones.
"How dare you say ..." I sang
I GO ABOUT LOVE THE WRONG WAY he sang back
~I am Human, and I need to be loved, Just like everyone else does~ we sang together.
You Can't make up your mind can you?
"Its a hard line to walk, my friend."

9909.30

You call that cleaning out the house?
"I don't know how that happened."
You forgot to say NO!
"What?! I said yes to three. Bil came home with two for the cans not knowing about the others. Barb and Shane just dropped by to say hi ..."
But stayed to talk to everyone eles.
"And Me, Thank You. Its not like I was ignored and hell, Shane bought Pizza. He and I actually got to talk quite a bit."
In total How many people ended up there? ...
" ... 10 ... maybe eleven. Hard to keep track."
Hard to keep ... All of them eating, drinking and being merry.
"Leah brought pop. Shane bought the food, I already had the movies and liked the company. So bite me." Realizing what I just said I immediately took a fighting stance and just watched Jax grin and lick his black lips.
"Down boy." I said with a snicker.
Okay. Lets talk about the sleep thing.
"I was sick and got plenty. I  didn't do anything but sleep the day before. Wednesday I woke up early for work (Like usuall) was in a great mood. Worked a nine hour day, ran some errands ... even talked to Devin, Then went home and finally ate!"
Why where you so excited about balogna?
"Because I hadn't had any food in the house. Even the balogna I just bought was a treasure! I thought I was in heaven unitl the Pizza came. Then I knew I was. God that tasted good."
Shut up, Moron. When did you go to bed?
"Not sure. Wanted to be in bed about 7 or 8pm I think I finally got there about 9 or 9:30."
And when did they leave?
"Filtered out slowly over the next few hours. No one was there at midnight when I got up for meds."
Then you got another - what? 4 or 5 hours of real sleep before work today.
"Yeah, So?"
Tired?
"Nope."
You aren't lieing?
"You'd know."
Fine so you aren't tired, but you should be. You are still trying to fight a cold.
"I feel fine. Little headache and sore throat. Still cough a little but not that much really."
Fine, I won't Bitch about the party.
"Accident. It was cool though. Kind of a Goodbye Nick party."
Any sign of him?
"Nope. Checked up on him though."
I've never known anyone to lie about having a criminal record.
"Wierd isn't it. No warrents, no records, nothing in Shawnee County. Clean record."
Makes you wonder if that was really his name?
" ... "
Gave you someone to train for your vacation, eh?
"Yeah, doing well all things considered."
He's new.
"Right."
...
"Screw this. Leave me alone. I'm in a good mood and I have work to do."
~~~
Why ^{are y}ou writ^{ing i}n the ^dark?
"De^{vin fou}nd N^ick."
So, do you think he's a whore yet?
"Why do I talk ^{to you? Good night."}

9910.01

What! So Devin found Nick.
"Yes. He's living with the Old man ..."
The Old leecherous Fag Landlord ...
"...that Devin was going to rent from but won't because he felt he and Nick would have been stalked."
The Guy Nick compared you to.
"At least he has a roof over his head."
Why do you get upset when I asked if he was a whore yet?
"Because! Jeez ... it isn't nice."
So Fucking what?
"And ... it just buggs me that it might be true and after having had Nick around as long as I did ..."
Your Jealous!
"I'm worried! Nick doesn't know a condom from his Asshole ... or anyone's god damn hole for that matter and that just about sums it up."
So he chose a slow painful death.
"Why!?!"
Who gives a Shit? First off! Second, Don't ask me, it's his fucking life and his choices. Go and cry your questions to him.
"He won't answer me."
That's right because you kicked him out onto the street.
"He won't answer because he won't know. He doesn't think about it ... he just does it. Next, Don't fucking blame this on me. I did everything to help him - he wouldn't help back."
Yeah, well, I guess it's up to Devin now. Whoa! Jeezus Keerist fucking Mother Mary! Are you all right?
"I'm fine."
Your eyes just rolled so far back in you head I thought you were possesed.
"Such a fucking Klown."
You don't think Devin can do it.
"Honestly, I don't think anyone can ... least of all Devin. I think, quite possibly, I'm the only one of Devin's freinds willing to help him with this."
Because for some fucked up reason you still like Nick.
"Right, But Devin won't listen to me either and seems to have even less influence with getting Nick to do anything. When Devin called to tell me he found Nick he asked for the copy of the Birth certificate so he could get Nick his ID. I asked what else they had. 'That's all we need.' I had to repeat it again just like I did for Nick. NO. It isn't. This is a copy and may NOT work. Must have original document. Must also have other picture ID. 'Yearbook' Nick will not look for it. Will not go to the authoritize that can help him. Until he decides he wants it ... he won't get it. Devin seems to think it will just fall into his lap for Nick if he burns the right spice and asks the right goddess."
What's wrong?
"I'm having a hard time dealing with this level of ..."
Say it ... I would but you have to ... say it ... you know you mean it ...
"Ignorance! Apathy! Gods! Where in the world does 'I need help' mean 'do it for me.'? You know you give me a lot of Shit about actually saying what I mean but these people are speaking a very manipulative form of english that never says what it actually means."
Are you pissed off yet?
"Yes!"
Are you pissed off yet?
"What did I just fucking say?"
Look in a Mirror. Are you pissed off yet.
"Just inside my head. Calm as a lake on a summer day outside, huh?"
Don't fool yourself. calm as a lake Mid winter. Don't worry though ... when the surface cracks you'll take a few people down into the icy depths with you.
"If you're trying to make me feel better its not ..."
I'm not here to make you feel better. Just feel.
I glare over at Jax and he just leaned back with a grin and put his feet on my desk. I slapped them off as I got up.
"I've got work to do. I'm going to dismantle a few things and throw them away."
RJ

9910.02

"I think we're alone n-"
The fuck we are.
"I'm working on it. Monday. Gone or scream."
Then what?
"We get ready. So much to do."
The longer you wait the worse it gets. And do something about that cough. I'm tired of that fit just before sleep that makes our throat hurt our chest tight, our head light ... fuck we break out into a sweat we cough so hard.
"Okay. I'll call on Monday. I have to ask about the blood work anyway."
Anything else?
"I get to leave early today!"
Whoopie.
"Shane and I are going out tonight."
That sounds like fun. Think you might get a phone number rather then fat-boy?
"I'll try. I'm feeling pretty good here lately. Maybe I'll even see ..."
No you won't and why would you want to. Can't live in the past and he has his own life now ... Without you!
"He's still my friend."
Whens the last time he called you?
"Well .... months ago but ..."
E-mailed you? Not one you prompted.
" ... "
He wants you to leave him alone. Go on with your own life. Get rid of all the dead weight and live alone with your porno tapes.
"What the fuck has you in such a bad mood?"
You've been deflating the balloon!
"It was going to explode. I had to let some air out."
I want it to explode!
"Tough Shit. Get used to dissappointement."
Fuck You! - Jax pouts. I don't care.

9910.03 RJ

Good recovery ~ you almost got thrown out of that game and a night of dancing.
"Do you think they would have gone that far?"
Puleaze! The cough wasn't even that bad except the once and did they stop asking how you were?
"You're right. If I hadn't caught all that food in my mouth and just swallowed it again, they would have freaked."
Shit, cough until you vomit though ... not cool.
"Not a cool taste either. Only done it three times so far though."
Also had a close call with the laugh.
"God, I did. Fact is, it wouldn't have even been what they thought. I mean I choked on some pop because I was laughing. The choke triggered the cough (and it would have in anyone) but I couldn't stop laughing, and I had to burp from the pop but couldn't stop coughing. I did almost pass out there."
That wouldn't have looked good either.
"Thing is, I barely cough at all while I was dancing."
No, but you got snubbed anyway.
"Yeah, well, ..."
And Shane had sex in the basement.
"Lucky bastard."
Still think its worth the $56 speeding ticket?
"Bogus ticket. Why do they just automatically tack about an extra 5mph on there?"
Because they are cops and you won't question them - either will the judge.
"Yeah, well, I was going about 5 over so I'll pay the ticket. I haven't had a speeding ticket in a while. I guess I was due."
Now if only you could get Bil to move more then a handful of stuff out a weekend.
"I know. What he did was put a box in his trunk last weekend and one this weekend. Now he's done till ..?..."
You are going to tell him he isn't sleeping here after Monday right?
"We'll talk."
Don't Wimp out on me Now! He has a place to go and should have been there by now. Tell him to get!!
"I'm hungry."
Fucker ! ! !

9910.04 RJ

"I'm getting pretty good at the Dr.'s guessing game."
What the fuck are you talking about?
"I know what's wrong with me so I guess what the Dr. will say or prescribe and I'm right more then wrong."
So what? Lets talk about the fact you are hope and hormone driven to people you know are no good for you.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
Devin.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
He comes in and gives you a hug then whispers in your ear that he and Rodger have broken up and you start to get a hard on. Can't even wait for the dust of the break up to settle before you wake up in the night masturbating to the images of Devin ramming his little cock in your ass.
"I have no idea what Devin has in his ..."
How Often do you guess right?!?   I ain't saying he's a needle dick like Rodger but he ain't no Zam or even a Shawn.
"Shut the Fuck up! This is going to far! This isn't about cock size. Besides Kevin proved that little myth wrong anyway."
Oh Yeah! He's definitely the smallest you've ever seen - and the best you've had. I completely agree about size! No one should be ashamed of what genetics gave them.
Hey! Everyone!! Bret proudly sports no more then five and a half inches of meat with a five inch circumference. It stands with pride, loves the heat and hates the cold - Can't find it with a telescope if its cold.
"That's enough!!!"
What? I'm just saying you're not a porn giant either. It isn't about size its about the fact it stands up for anyone. You just keep it restrained most of the time. But your little dicky has a tendency to jump the fence at the worse fucking times and chase bad men. Start with Mike and count the Dick slaps you've gotten - Don't   ad Devin to the List.
"Devin is my friend. Why ...?"
All the more reason why you know it won't work. I'll spare bringing up he's already lived with you and only mention Valentines Day again!

Go to your room and spank that bad boy to anything Other then someone you know you shouldn't have.
I don't care how lonely you are, Devin ain't the Knight in shining armor that is self assured and Independent.
"Fine, Jen!"
Hey! When she's right, she's right. She had no right to say it then or now in that way but I ain't her, I'm YOU!
"Do not distress yourself with imaginings -"
Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness.
"I do not want to spend the rest of my dwindling Life Alone!"
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
"I can't love myself that way!"
You are not alone.
"They don't sleep with me."
Why can't you love yourself enough when you sleep?
"Because in the dark and lonely night there are only monsters like you waiting for me! I know I can love me. But more, I want to know someone else can also, and is strong enough to drive away the Demons with me! Team work can fight more demons better. I'm tired of fighting Just mine. I want new challenges in a blanket of Love that will light my nights! IF I choose to Dream a fucking friend is in the Dark with me then I fucking will. When I can't have I will not be told I can't imagine, you evil fucking Klown! Do you hear me, Fucker!?!"
My imagined tears drop to a floor that isn't there. Words filled with rage echo in a non-existent void. I stand in the puzzle box ... alone ... with these thoughts. As the silence surrounds me, I yell out again.
"Do you hear me!?!"
And the void echoes in silence.
"Jax?"
The darkness surrounds me and I collapse in on myself and pretend to cry in the dark.
After all, it seems like what I should do. I just sent the only company I have in the dark away. I am now truly alone ... for now.
Jax will come back. But for now he's done his job and gave me something new to think about.

9910.05

Stop coughing
"I can't." I said concentrating on my breathing so I wouldn't gag.
Get it off your chest.
"Dr. said its in my head. Sinus not psycho." I said fighting the urge to cough.
Whatever or where ever it is ... It wants out. Let it out.
"Its just snot."
Snot, Bile, Puss, Blood, Vomit, Venom, it doesn't matter let it out.
"This a physical problem, Jax. I could be the most mentally sound individual and still have a fucking cold."
You'll feel better if you let it out.
"Fine God Damn it!"
Which One?
"Christ, Buddha, Thor - I don't care! Choose your favorite, fuck nuts!" I said delivering a swift kick to his crotch. He stood unflinching as the sound of a squeaky toy echoed in the dark.
What's bugging you now?
"You - You Shit! You left me alone in the fucking dark. When I did hear a voice I did exactly what I should have and you didn't even come back and say 'Good job!' You Bastard!" I said doubling over to cough. While I was on my hands and knees Jax stepped over and pat me on the back,
Good boy.   He said calmly ... in a baby voice.
"I'm not a fucking Dog! Get the fuck away from me, Bitch!"
Jax smiled and rolled his eyes as I flail about missing him and rolled over onto my back.
Good Boy. Jax said again with a snicker then added, Now play dead.
"You Bitch." I said in a gasp as I concentrate on breathing again. Calm, breathing ... I'll be fine.
"Don't you have anything nice to say?"
No. Jax replied standing up and turning his back to me. So what if he calls you collect in the middle of the night to say you where right and pretend to cry a little.
"I don't know that he did. It just sounded like he might."
He was begging. 'Oh, its cold out here. I spent a night in jail because me and a friend broke into a house for shelter.'
"Abandon house."
So he says. Still he thinks he shouldn't have gone to jail. Still doesn't want to use the Mission. At the witching hour he wakes you from your third hour of sleep and begs.
"I didn't give in."
The Fuck you didn't! So what if you said he still can't sleep there. Sleep in the park. That hurt you.
"It's cold outside. His blankets are in his bag. The one I pulled out of the dumpster."
Should have left them there. Let him shiver some more. Let him learn. Instead you offer to met him today so he can get his stuff and a ride to Capital city to try and get someone to identify him so he can get that precious picture ID.
"It would have kept him out of jail."
He should stay there or at least chose the mission.
"He hasn't yet realized a simple roof over the head and food in his stomach is a blessing."
He's begging for heat and caviar with a big screen entertainment center.
"I'm not giving it to him. I said hard work. I meant it. I won't refuse to help him. I will not support him."
Best thing you can do is turn your back.
"Indifference isn't the answer."
I guess every circus needs a tight rope walker.
"... and a monster for the freak show."
Jax turned around. Dot - Dot - Gash staring down at me. There you go calling me a monster again.
"You are ... you always have been."
I looked up at him. His painted face seemed to hide his true emotions.
"You used to love being a monster. Does it bother you now when I say it?"
No. Jax said turning his back to me again. Dot - Dot - Dash staring into space.
"Some of the best people are monsters." I said leaning back and reminiscing. "Frankenstein, Dracula, the Wolfman, Invisible man, Mummy, even the Creature from the Black Lagoon and the Phantom of the Opera ... the Hunchback ... Aliens ... heh- Casper   "
Hitler.
"Okay ... there's a difference between monsters of misunderstanding like Frankenstein, Monster of Allegory like Aliens and even monsters of passion like the Phantom of the Opera and the real life monsters of Hate like Hitler and impassionate forces of nature like animals and weather.
We is the good kind of Monster ... Moron. Like Jekel and Hyde. We are a conflict of Right and Wrong."
Only I'm the Bad Guy Right!
"You're the one that chose the titles of Evil and Wicked you Klown."
Jax spun around once again. I caught a glimpse of tragedy before Hate once again glare at me. White gloved fists picked me up off the ground and threw me into a wall.
I drive you. I motivate You. I Help you! I should not be a monster to you.
"You are Violent." I said spitting into the paint. "Impulsive." I said breaking his grasp, "and Irrational!" I said pushing him away. "You are a monster only because you have no self control."
You are only great because I drive you to be so.
"Which is why you are an Advisor. I only become a Monster when You try to take over the thrown. I give your energy a reason, a direction a purpose." I grabbed his harness and threw him into the wall.
"You Are a monster! Don't think I don't appreciate it!" I said letting him go. "We all have demons to fight. You are mine."
He who fights monsters should be careful not to become one.
"We are one and the same. Don't think I don't know what ... and who, I am."

RJ

9910.07

"I think ... I've just had some kind of Role Playing Breakthrough. Remind me to thank Shane."
You sure you aren't ADD?
"Today is payday. Last night was fun and ... oh, cookies! What the hell makes you think I'm ADD?"
Ha-ha. Should have taken that pudgy little wanna be and beat the shit out of him.
"You linger on the past tense to much."
You were stupid!
"At the time it didn't matter. I figured it out. Now I'll also be prepared for next time."
Starting to get crafty in your old age.
"Starting to think more practically ... cover my ass a bit."
Maybe that's why no one is getting in there.
"Ha - ha. You know of all the parts of me that I thought would appreciate these schemes - you seem very unimpressed."
If it were real, I might be impressed.
"Fake cop is real, that plan could really work."
If its done. You sit here and think of all these cool things and then never do them. Maybe you should become as manipulative and crafty as your Ravenos. Suck a little blood, plot the down fall of an opponent, kill if you have to. Prove you are superior and not to be fucked with.
"Right now the only one that deserves it ... would be our pudgy cop friend. As I said. I have a plan for that. Are you with me? Because it's possible I'll need you to bail me out."
Sink or Swim fucker. I ain't going to help.
"Fine."
What do you mean 'fine'?
"I'm not going to force your help. I don't really want it anyway. I consider you the weaker side."
The Hell I am. I'm the teacher and I'm the drive. You'll charge in there with your pussy ass plan and maybe get hurt -
"I seriously doubt it will come to that. It's a good plan."
Anything can go wrong - and then I'll have to save your ass to protect mine.
"Just so we understand why you help me."
You are a manipulative little fuck when you want to be.
I smile wide within the balloon. My face looks funny in the curved reflection.

RJ

9910.08

Reminiscing?
"Something like that. Entering in the Journal. Lots here. I need to get started if I want to be done by Halloween."
Well, then ... get to work.
"What? Nothing else to yell at me about?"
Same Shit different day. You aren't listening. I'll wait until I can yell louder. Besides if I piss you off to much I'll be naked on Halloween.
I laughed.
Don't Think it'll keep me inside. I'll embarrass the Shit out of you. I don't fucking care what I wear.
"I know." I said with another laugh. After a moment I paused then asked.
"What do you mean 'Same shit - I ain't listening'. What have I not listened to?"
You work with a bunch of illiterate morons - and do you say anything?! NO! You just clean up after them when you should be killing them.
"Kill is a bit strong don't you -"
Fire them or kill them - solve the problem permenately! At the Very least YELL MORE!!
"Are you done?"
FUCK NO! Just once ... try it my way and kick Ass first. Don't worry about hurting their poor feelings and let them lick their own wounds. Maybe they'll learn not to walk on you like a fucking door mat!
"You know." I said calmly amidst all his yelling. "I"ve never actually - physically - been that angry. In fact it scares me that I could be. Here's what I think is going to be really funny ... See, because I don't get angry, when I do - nobody takes me seriously. Which only makes me madder."
They'll Fucking take me seriously!
"Back to that really funny part ... I'm sure they will take you seriously with all that clown make-up on." I said smiling. Jax looked perplexed so I began to laugh.
What's so funny?!
"Look ma! Mad Clown! Isn't he funny mad? Run from the mad clown! He's got seltzer water! ahh HA HA!!

===================================================================

===================================================================

9910.09

"Babies black balloon lets her fly ..."
Shut up and listen
"I almost fell into that hole in your life."
You've been trying to catch all those lyrics since this book began. Buy the fucking CD or give up.
"You weren't thinking of the future -"
Because you are the same as me Only on you knees!
Jax seized my head and forced me down. My head became a rush of thoughts.
    "I don't want to be alone ... come visit me."
"Hi Bil. I'm just going to sleep."
    "Sorry to bother you."
    "I was bored. Sorry to wake you."
"My God ... I feel sick."
    "I was looking for Bil ... didn't mean to bother you."
Fucking Kill them All - Inconsiderate Bastards.
"My friends."
At Least open your mouth and say 'I have to Sleep'
"They all left me alone."
They all Woke you or kept you up.
knock - knock - knock
Open the door and hit them then slam it shut!
"I'm just going to lay here."
knock - knock - knock
Run out - Naked - I don't give a shit! Open the Door and Yell 'I'm sleeping!' and Slam it Shut!
"I'm not going to get it."
knock - knock - knock
Answer the Fucking door so 'we' can sleep.
I rush out putting on pants and open the door. No one there.
Find them! Hunt them down and Kill Them!
I walk out and an old man turns his attention to me.
"I take it that's not the Smiths?"
"No."        Kill Him! God at least Guilt him! AIDS man trying to Sleep!
"I'm sorry. It said 'F' on your door."
"There is an F on everyone of these buildings."
Ignorant Fucker! Slap him!
"Daddy! Its over here." the little girl said.
"I'm sorry, again."
"Its okay. I forgive you."
You What!?!
The old man looked at me strange for saying that, but I didn't care. The little girl dragged him off and I went back inside to sleep.
Kill him
"Innocent bystander."
Woke you UP!
"Not responsible for the frustration."
Kill Them All!  Rape the Cute ones!
"Jax! Please! One thought at a time."
Sorry to burst your bubble, Bub. He said with an evil grin. The paint made it seem like a black star around carnivorous teeth. He produced a large steel rod with a sharpened point. I produced a leather collar with a chrome chain.
We don't have the Time
I leapt up wrapping the collar around his neck, but couldn't get it latched before he spun and stabbed at me with the giant needle.
What the Fuck is This?!?!
"Your collar."
What the Fuck For!?!
"Restraint."
I Will not Wear it! Fucker! he said holding me at bay with the needle as he threw it to the ground.
"I made it just for you."
You made it Jest for me. He said needling me more. I drew my sword and wrapped the collar around my left hand.
"The collar is no jest. I will not have you destroy all that I am."
I AM all that you are!
I parry a jab with my sword.
"You will be if you are restrained."
I refuse to be the pussy you are!
"Look at the collar! All black leather and chrome. Two inch spikes and a gemed Deaths head in a jesters crown."
Looks sharp. Jax said with pause.
"I made it just for you. It may be a restrain, but it demands respect."
Okay ... I'll wear it.
Much to my surprise, Jax turned his back to me and knelt. Dot - Dot - Dash staring up at me. Cautiously I reached around his neck and fasten the collar. Suddenly Jax leapt up off the ground and ran forward into the darkness barking like a dog. I clenched my fist as Jax reached the end of the chain. Muscles strained as I dug in my heels and Jax leaned forward on his toes still barking and letting the chain, and me, support his weight.
"Jax!" I shout. "What are you doing?"
Suddenly Jax stopped, easing the tension on the chain. He scratched his head as he turn. Dot - Dot - U grin at me for a moment as he squat down.
Well ... master, he said with the utmost sarcasm. I was testing the limits of the environment. Jax then began to urinate.
"Jax ..."
Just marking my new territory.
"Don't be a bad dog, Jax." I said gripping the chain. Jax only began to laugh, ... and take a shit. I then tugged back on the chain. Jax lost his balance and fell back ... into the shit. I smiled ... about time he got some of his own.
What you fail to realize ... Jax said grabbing the needle more firmly. Is that I don't take this kind of Shit ... Pussy.
He turn again. Dot - Dot - Frown passing my view.
And ... master, he said with emphasis Any Shit I leave ... you have to clean up. Its your responsibility. Dot - Dot - Gash now stared at me. I knew I was about to learn a terrible lesson.
You're right! This collar was made for me. I like it! Changes NOTHING!! I'm still a mean dog ... vicious even. He said with a glare. I still chase Pussies and tear apart the Weak!
"I have you restrained." I said trying to reassure myself.
Oh, Absolutely ... he said with a grin ... black points and sharp teeth. You can keep me from chasing others ... but not ... YOU!!
The chain went completely slack as he raised the needle and ran toward me. I had to think fast.
I parry the needle with my sword and kicked the painted Beast off me. I then grip the chain tight and placed my sword on the ground. Jax grinned. I yanked the chain ... hard. It surprised Jax and he dropped the needle as he rolled toward me. His eye on the sword he continued with his momentum. I also charged forward. As we approached each other I played my role as I knew he would would his. He roared and growl like a rabid dog and leapt into the air. I cower like a weakling and rolled under the attack. Now it was a matter of speed. Jax ran for the weapon. I ran for the needle. We both fell short of the goal as the chain went taunt. On the round I stare into the darkness of the puzzle box, my arm sore from the yank. I heard Jax cough from the gag. I took advantage of this minor advantage. I reached out and seized the needle. Jax pulled on the chain - to late. I had what I needed as I rolled a couple of feet backward. I looked up to see Jax take the sword ... the bait. He charged. I grin and placed the leash hold around the needle. Kneeling, I raise the needle into the air and plunge it deep into the ground.
The ink black world around me roared and split wide open in a horrendous flash of light and noise. All at once it contract and expand as I was flung around in the tides and eddies of the whirlwind. I landed on my back staring into the dull gray of a sunlight cloudy sky. My ears were ringing as I shook my head back to awareness and sat up. As the ringing ceased I heard a roar. I looked up to see Jax continuing his charge. I looked past his raised sword and raging fury to see the needle still firmly planted in the ground and the chain quickly rattling taunt.
~ERK!~
Was the end of Jax's charge as the chain yanked Jax back into the air. His black leather boots flew past either side of my head as he fell vertically from the air at the end of a taunt chain. I pulled my feet in close, so he wouldn't fall on me. My eyes  grew wide as the sword then fell between my legs and buried itself in the ground. The hilt of the sword sway back and forth in front of my eyes as Jax coughed and began to pick himself up from the ground. It was his laughter that caused me to stand and pull the sword from the ground. Jax turned and saw me standing there with my sword and laughed even more. Very slowly he stood on his toes and leaned forward until the chain stopped him ... anchored in the ground.
BOO! HA - HA        I was confused as he stood down and backed up, continuing to laugh.
"Are we done fighting?" I asked.
Jax then fell over laughing and between gasps let out an Oh - Hardly! I lowered my sword, but only to scrape the ground where Jax met the end of the chain. Then I proceed forward to the Klown as he laughed and roll in the dust.
Like a murder of crows, blackness began to fall from the sky. A piece of the black rubber fell on Jax's head and it only made him laugh harder. I thought he might pass out from lack of air.
"What is this?"
The black balloon. Jax laughed.
"Weren't we in the puzzle box?"
Oh, same fucking thing. Jax said beginning to calm down.
"No, I put you in the puzzle box. I trapped myself by putting you there."
You sure did ... Idiot. he said with a snicker.
"Then what is this raining down around us?"
The Puzzle box.
"You said the black balloon before."
Jax stopped laughing and walked toward me.
Use your fucking brain you dickless cunt wipe!
I stepped back to the other side of the line and Jax stopped before the chain stopped him.
What did you do!?! he yelled.
"When?" I asked confused.
In the Box Fuck Nutz!
"I expand it?"
You felt trapped and you expand it. Broadened your world. Gave us some room to fight. Even put in some scenery once in a while. Breath life into a dead black area. Filled it with frustration, hot air and dreams. The puzzle box expand, stretched, and grew -
"Like a balloon."
Now you're catching on Jugaloo. But it was getting to big and full of nothing. I had to get out to make my next point.
I looked around. The terrain was familiar. I was in the plains. To the south would be the oceans. The east would be the forests. North is my Kingdom and Castle. The west ... the dessert wastelands.
We're Home! said Jax holding out his arms and turning around. Home in the second puzzle box.
"This isn't a Puzzle box. This isn't a balloon. This is my haven. I rid you from here once. It is a peaceful place. You will not corrupt it. Not again."
Give me a Fucking Break! He said leaning in to the end of the chain. This isn't your home. It isn't real. And it isn't now, nor was it ever peaceful!
By the way, ... what are you doing there? Jax said pointing to the line in the dirt.
"You can't get me over here." I said meekly.
Says Who!?!
"Your collar. Your chain."
God! You teach and teach. Buy them books and what do they do? Eat the covers. You think you're so smart! When will you realize I made you do this. I wanted out of the balloon. I hate to burst your bubble so I made you do it, Fucker!
"You are still at the end of your chain. I'm warning you. Do not mess up this world. Do not cross this line."
Or What Captain Dickless?
"I am King here. It's irrelevant what I will do. Head the warning."
Empty Fucking Threats!
"You're at the end of your chain. You can't cross the line."
Okay, smart Ass. What prevents me from walking back there and pulling the needle out and freeing myself?
"Uhm..." my brain quickly realized he was right. I had to think. I could fight him away from the needle.
You'll get tired, have to sleep or just plain lose!
"Get out of my head! If you walk back to the needle ... I'll have the head start I need to make it to the castle. I'll barricade myself in and fight you from the fortress."
What if I was just smart enough to do this? Jax asked as he reached back and unclipped the chain from the collar. The chain fell to the ground with a thump and Jax stood there ... staring at me with black eyes. Yah, gotta' be smarter then the average dog, Shit for Brains.
"Don't cross the line."
If you can't play with the Big dogs - I will cross any fucking lines I want he said poking my chest and stepping forward. I backed up into a tree and Jax stepped in nose to nose.
Trapped all over again aren't you? Jax looked both ways, then leaned in and whisper, I said we weren't done fighting yet. Stepping back he continued. Don't feel to stupid. We share the same brain. Looks like I just used it better today.
Come here. He said grabbing my arm and facing me north. He began to walk forward. I sheath my sword and reluctantly followed wandering what lines where to be crossed.
You know what really puts my panties in a bunch?
"A snuggy?" I said
Oh, good. Keep the sense of humor while you can. You'll hate me here in a second. No, what really bothers me is this notion you have to have a boyfriend to be loved. This whole couple thing annoys the shit out of me.
Here we fight our whole life to be independent and yet we feel incomplete unless we have a lover? That's Bull Shit!
"Why is love Bull shit?"
Back up Bugger Boy! I didn't say love was Bull Shit. I said couples are Bull Shit. The whole idea of being complete in the arms of another is ludicrous! Look at the Castle! he said pointing forward. You are a King! You have accomplished so much. You have the love and admiration of your friends, family, peers and some strangers. There is plenty of love in your life. Why the fuck should your happiness rely on some other Jerk that thinks his happiness is in your hands. You have a hard enough time with your own!
As we walked into the courtyard Jax opened his arms as people moved about.
Look at All These People! People who love you. Male and female alike. What more could you ask for?
"It isn't the same."
Why the Fuck not?! You're the Thinker - Analyze it! What is different about these relationships and any other you've had? You can't tell me you weren't intimate with Griffin - you just weren't physical. You can't tell me you where intimate with Zam, just physical.
"What about Shawn?"
What about him? Any more fulfilling then Marc? Any less frustrating then Nick? More or less caring then anyone you know?
Why should your friends and family count less then one jerk you pick up in a bar?
"They don't count less ... they count different."
Why?
"Because when I go in there, I feel alone." I said pointing to the castle.
That's fucked up!! What has society done to you that makes that so?
"Maybe its not society. Maybe its genetics."
Man has been overcoming genetics since day one. Look at me - I'm still wearing a collar.
I sat down on my thrown with the flies buzzing around my head.
It bothers me, that my happiness relies on finding the myth of love in one person when I am surrounded by loving and caring people!
"Jax ... my brain hurts."
TOUGH!! Lets talk about that buzzing crown.
"No."
YES!
"No! Not now. Christ, what is it about a new section of a notebook that corresponds to big mental changes? I've been writing for nearly five and a half hours ... at work."
You have that trainee.
"Still not fair ... still tired ... Later."
~~~
Now?!
"Jesus Christ. Fine. Get it over with. What do you have against my crown, a wreath of flies which has always represent the buzzing thoughts in my head and the biting doubts that gnaw at me?" I recite monotonously.
Fuck you. If you aren't going to listen I'm not talking.
"Jax, say what you have on your mind."
No. I'll come back after you've slept.
"Jax! Don't bother me unless you actually have something to bother me about." I said. "Just say what is on your mind."
No. I want to wait until your angry.
"Jax." I said, pausing for emphasis. "Trust me. I'm more mad at you now then I will get later."
That's what I'm talking about.
"What?" I said annoyed.
I know you're mad. Want to kill me even. Quick and short with the words because you don't want to say anything bad. But you stand there like a fucking Vulcan and say you're mad. Who would believe you? Those flies aren't racing thoughts they are pent up rage. They don't bite with doubt, they try to sting you into action. But all you do is take it! Forcing them to fly insanely around your head in circles.
Your rage is like a fly trapped in molasses. A lot of furry, rage and activity all masked as a slow moving lump trying to reach a goal. Most often it dies trying to get there. If   it actually reaches the goal and crawls out of the molasses, how much energy does it have left? Any? Enough to take it seriously. Who wouldn't laugh and just kick it back into the molasses?
Want people to take your anger seriously?
Display it like your love.
"Can't."
or Won't?
"Can't. Jeez. If I let lose with my anger someone would get hurt. Maybe not them - but me. Put my fist through a wall or someone's jaw. What does it solve? Nothing. I restrain my anger every-day. Like you said ... Man has fought against his genetic desires since day one.
Maybe my anger isn't taken seriously. But those flies churn the molasses keeping it sweet, soft, and flowing like liquid.
... Your collar stays."

RJ

9910.12

You owe me something.
"I'm trying to get your pants."
I ain't talkin' about them chaps - But we will go and kick some ass about that This afternoon - I'm talking about my silence.
"I owe you for silence? I figure when you're quite you're just gathering ammunition to drop on me."

"I'm not going to Fight, Jax."
Well, then ... Kicking your Ass won't take long will it?
With some kind of comical primal scream Jax began his charge. With a sigh I stood from the thrown and drew my sword holding it out to the charge. With the sound of car tires coming to a screeching halt, Jax slides to a halt one inch before sword point.
Oh! A Wise Guy, huh? Fine! If you want to do this civilized.
I raised an eyebrow at the voice change. Jax then took one step back and pulled a toy sword out of his ass. Then in an overly exaggerated warm up display Jax waved the sword in the air and made lunges at nothing. I had to smile.
Finally with his small plastic broad sword he placed his hand in the air behind him, stood up straight and tall sticking his chest out in a exaggerated fencing stance.
'Oun Gârõd!!' He said in a voice that was a cross between Inspector Clueso and a Pirate.
"Jax, what the hell ..."
With the same comedic yell he began to hit my unmoving out stretched sword. His plastic toy squeaking and bending like a dogs rubber newspaper. I began to laugh and even dropped the sword. Jax continued to swing and lunge at the air as if fighting some imaginary opponent.
Give up yet!?! he asked.
"Jax - "
So? How many people felt you up on Sunday? he asked making a lunge at me. The tip of his toy hitting me in the chest with a little squeak. Jumping back from the lunge he continued to fiercely fight the air about him.
"Five." I said bluntly, sword still out stretched. "Two were women."
How many gave you a boner?
"Jax!" He spun around completely extending the rubber sword so it made contact with my cheek. I found myself on the floor with the side of my face ablaze with tingling pain.
Oh! That had to Hurt!
I rose with an equal amount of fire. My sword now gripped tight. I guess even playthings can hurt you. Time to disarm this Klown.
"Jax, I'm not amused."
His sword touched mine, letting out a squeak once again.
I'm not always funny. So, what pisses you off more? The fact a woman gave you a boner or that the men where teasing?
I grind my teeth and swung at Jax. He artfully dodged and slapped his rubber sword across my ass.
Oops! Sorry. Didn't mean to turn you on there.
"God Damn it, Jax! That Stings!"
Tell them not me. I can't help it if King Dildo is pissed because he was dusted off and then left in the drawer.
Once again, I lunge. As he dodges with a spin, the sword changes hands and the joke slaps me across the back leaving a welt ... I'm sure.
Glad to see you talking it like a sport. I'm just wondering how much more of this abuse you can take?!
"Stop hitting me then!"
Drop the sword.
"Drop yours."
Surrender only to have you cut me like a coward? I think not.
"Touché!"
No-no. This is my Touchie! Jax said turning to wave his hairy ass at me.
"Stop it!"
Bret's gettin' a boner again. Maybe with this much frustration you should really think about going to Lawrence for 'a walk' and doing some college kid in a corner or masturbating with some other dick.
I charged once more. Jax was the one to sigh this time. He once again dodge and swung his toy as I passed. A loud squeaking slap across the ear. The pain was intense and I dropped my sword. I curled up with my hand cupped around my ear and lay down.
Jax walked over and kicked the sword away.
Think of all the excuses you want. No gas, no money, no body, no relationship, blah, blah, blah. I don't care if you go to Lawrence or Gage or swallow your pride and beg to Swallow Zam's. Devin cried wolf so he's out unless you want to break all your rules. I don't care if its someone you know, a stranger or a whore. You need to get laid before you lose your mind.
You owe me this. Try it.
If you don't ... I'll get meaner. How would you like it if a hug from your mom gives you wet dreams?
Think about it.
"Fuck You!, You Piss Ant Klown! I won't give in to base desire. I know it won't ease my pain - only magnify it. I never feel more alone then after a one night stand."
Then sit down. Or - Just lay there and think about it. Was the beating worth it?

9910.14

"It's like I'm everyone's fucking Nanny around here."
Kill them All!
"Shut the Fuck up, Jax! I swear I think you tell me shit like that just so I won't do it. Why the fuck can't you ever tell me to just yell. If you say it at the right time I just might do it rather then dismiss you outright because you suggest mass murder first."
I suggest it hoping one day I'll get to sell the movie rights so I can watch it with you in Jail.
"Ha - Ha Very funny."
Not really but I'm glad you liked it. Now, tell me. Why haven't you paid up and gotten fucked? Should I just start continuously masturbating in the halls of the castle?
"No. If you do ... I'll castrate you."
You'll try. Doesn't matter anyway. You may as well be castrated for all the action you see.
"Why do you give a shit?"
Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm not dressed like a monk. Further more, either are you. Yet you seem to act like some sexual confessional. 'Oh, I felt this nurse up the other day!' 'I had sex with 3 different guys on Saturday.' 'My husband gave me a sever tongue lashing the other night!' 'Do you know what you can do with soap in the shower?'
"Enough! Christ! Bad enough I have to hear it all the first time, I don't need to have you rolling it around in my head."
Go Get Some of Your Own!
"See, here's the other problem I have with you. You demand it like there are no consequences and you play it off like I 'owe' it to you. I don't owe you shit! Especially not the life of someone else."
See, here's the problem I have with you. You act like the consequences end someone else's

"God's Protect me from what I want ... and the consequences that follow."
Shut up! All you want is some happiness. Just like everyone else! What ever happened to 'I am human. I need love just like everyone else does.'
"You forgot 'Shut your mouth! How dare you say I go about things the wrong way.' I look out for others, its what I have always done."
Try looking out for yourself!
"I don't know why I'm even talking to you about this. Like I told that nursing class its a problem of morals VS. ethics and You don't have either!"
SLAP! I reeled back into the throne my face stinging like it did the other day.
I have everything you have, Shit bag. You want this argument, I'll take it on. You want it civil, I'll do it, JUST to piss you off.
So, I DARE you. Go and define Morals and Ethics. Outline every reason why you think you shouldn't and I will shoot down every point and give you more reasons why you can and should.
Like any other Coward on a high horse you hide behind 'moral' and 'ethical' ethereal rules. Take the advise of the Stars - Lock the doors and call the court together. I Challenge you not to leave until this is settled.
When you're ready call me. I'll be out doing the one thing you do allow. Watching!
Jax dropped his white gloves as he turned to walk away. Dot - Dot - Gash , Dot - Dot - Dash seemed to have the same intensity as I stared at the gloves and rubbed my stinging jaw.

RJ

9910.15

MORALS - ADJ 1. Of or concerned with the judgement of the goodness or badness of human action and character; pertaining to the discernment of good and evil: moral philosophy. 2. Designed to teach goodness or correctness of character and behavior; instructive of what is good and bad. 3. Being or acting in accordance with standards and precepts of goodness or with established codes of behavior, especially with regard to sexual conduct. 4. Arising from conscience or the sense of right and wrong: a moral obligation. 5. Having psychological rather then physical or tangible effects. 6. Based upon strong likelihood or firm conviction, rather then upon the actual evidence or demonstration; a moral certainty.
-N 1. The lesson or principle contained in or taught by a fable, story, or event. 2. A concisely expressed precept or general truth; maxim. 3. Plural. Rules or habits of conduct, especially sexual conduct, with reference to standards of right and wrong.
    Synonyms : ethical, virtuous
Moral pertains to personal behavior (especially sexual) measured by prevailing standards of rectitude.

ETHICS pl. N. 1a. The study of the general nature of morals and the specific moral choices to be made by the individual in his relationship with others; the philosophy of morals. Also called "moral philosophy". b. The moral sciences as a whole, including moral philosophy and customary, civil, and religious law. 2. The rules or standards governing the conduct of the members of a profession : "All citizens share in blame for lax municipal ethics." 3. Any set of moral principals or values. 4. The moral quality of a course of action; fitness; propriety : I question the ethics of his decision.
Ethical approaches behavior from a philosophical standpoint; it stresses more objectively defined, but essentially idealistic, standards of right and wrong, such as those applicable to the practices of lawyers, doctors, and businessmen.

-The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language © 1969 -

Could you get one just a little older?
"I thought it was newer then that. We can get another one and see if its different."
Nah, This is fine.
"I don't want to do this, Jax."
Afraid you'll lose?
"Actually ... afraid I'll win."
Dream on, Sucker.
"Look, this is kind of important. I'm arguing against sex with HIV. You're arguing for it. I want you to win. But with the guidelines set out in the definitions I don't see how. Then I will have let down everyone else with HIV."
Arrogant little piss-head ain't yah? Lets get two things straight. One, this is just for you. "Moral pertains to personal behavior.' So you are not arguing for the world ... only you.
"Fine. Second?"
You aren't going to win.
"We'll see. Who's the judge?"
Give me anyone. Jax said reaching to his back. We'll put this on them. He said producing a mask of Indifference.
"Indifference." I said just staring at the Dot - Dot - Dash cast in solid porcelain.
Yeah, as good as 'Impartial'
"I guess. Jury?"
Not necessary, but if you like. An audience would be just as effective.
"Okay. Send out a royal summons and call the court together. Lets get this over with."

RJ

9910.15:23:35

Concentrate.
"Fuck you. 'Fight Club' ran just a little bit to true for me right now."
It was just a movie.
"I had it figured out so much sooner then Brian did."
For a reason.
"Yeah! I'm this fucking close to living it!"
No you're not.
"I always have been."
Not quite like that. You are still a fully functional member of society.
"I'm a fully functional psychopath! Complete with Multiple personalities."
You do not actually see me, or the others, as actual people. You do not actually become us. You talk to us - and us to you only mentally and on paper (electronic or otherwise).
"I've always wondered what a shrink would say ... if he read ... if he knew ..."
He'd probably over zealously medicate you.
"Because I am insane."
No, because he's jealous the voices talk to you.
"Not funny!"
Hysterical. Now Shut up - Go to bed - You have a big day tomorrow and a court date I will not let you weasel out of.

9910.16

RJ
Ah!-Ah! The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club. The Second rule of Fight Club is You  Don't  Talk   About Fight Club!

"Jax, It spooked me."
Didn't I already assure you that are not crazy?
"Wouldn't that be your job?"
No not really. I could just as easily black you out and convince you you've been locked away -
"In a puzzle box, perhaps?"
Okay, You are reading WAY to much into this.
"The insomnia, the violence, the desire to cry, dealing with issues of death and enlightenment -"
Fucking good movie, BUT just a movie!
"Jax -"
You Are NOT getting out of this debate. You are so freaked out about 'Fight Club' deal with this -
In exactly 14 days - TWO WEEKS - I get one day and then go back to being a voice in your head just like I have always been. IF you are crazy - you are no crazier then you have been since you began to write.
Now! Concentrate!  I will not win this by default. You will always want to say it wasn't fair and challenge it again. I want 100% - I want resolution. Now get your Ass out there!
Jax gave me a shove through the doors and the crowd roared. The great hall had been expanded to a coliseum and it was packed to the rafters with everyone in my mental Kingdom. They cheered at the presence of their King.
"Oh, Fuck me." I whispered under my breath, and never even heard it over the crowd. I looked forward and saw a figure in robes with a porcelain mask. Dot - Dot - Dash looming above me as I began to walk forward.
Jax entered the great hall and the crowd sneered. Jax continued to walk with dignity - as if they weren't even there. He glared at me and focused his anger to prevent himself from flipping off the crowd.
We approached our benches. He turned to face me. Dot - Dot - Gash met my gaze so I looked down. 'Eat Me' written over his crotch caused me to roll my eyes up. I then noticed his hair. Green now instead of purple.
Concentrate! he said.
"Fine. Lets get this over with." I raised my hands to silence the crowd. I grew quite but not silent. There was an empty roar of silence, like the inside of a sea shell.
I looked at my desk. There sat a Dark, Curly hared, Bearded, man dressed in Black. The Boy who became the Man, who wrestled the Dragon, Built the Kingdom and Defeat the Beast. The Noble, mystic, hero of virtue. The Dark Knight I had been. Damon D'artagnon Killgrave was my advisor.
I looked across the hall and saw Jax passing papers back and forth to a Clean, Shaven, light hared man with model like features and an air of confidence that allowed him to wear any mask he desire. J. BJ Scarriot, the Sexual Thought provoker, the Man who wanted to be a Boy, that took over for Damon after the defeat of the Beast, was Jax's advisor.
Suddenly I felt dwindled.
'You can do this.' said a firm, assured, and calm voice of Damon. He stroked his black Beard and nod to me.
"Morals and Ethics have been defined for this debate." I said starting my address to the court. "This was originally thought of as a debate of Morals VS Ethics. This can not happen due to the definitions. This will be a point by point debate on Morals in an effort, not to challenge a set of Ethics, but to create one."
If it Pleases the court, Jax said standing, We concede to this particular change of the debate.
~The Court is not pleased. It is indifferent. Proceed. ~
Thank you. I would however like to clarify that if we debate points of morality into a set of Ethics - These Ethics are personal, not Universal, and should then be applied to this Court (We all being one person).
"We agree to this stipulation."
The Judge, shrugged.
I would also like to confirm our positions. The King and his counsel are opposed. We are for sexual relations. There is to be no switching of sides. Oppose, Concede, or follow the Courts ruling.
"Agreed, Your honor. No switching sides." Damon handed me a card which I quickly read and then continued. "If the court allows - We would like to begin with the core issue and work our way down to the details. This, in order to save time, because the win or loss of this issue ends or continues the debate." The judge sat still. "That issue being - Shall someone with a sexually transmitted contagion be allowed to have sex?
We stand at NO. Our beginning argument is denial for the greater public good - to stop and contain the contagion."
You honor, we stand at YES. We concede the need to stop and contain a public and transmittable contagion, but argue this should be done with knowledge and education of the perimeters of the contagion - not denial of the action. We also argue on the grounds that sex is a basic biological right which can not be denied without becoming a twisted, destructive and driving force in an individual.
"One point at a time, Jax."
What? I concede contain the contagion with the Stipulation of Education of transmission.
"I do not concede the stipulation. Nor do we concede sex as a biological right that can't be denied."
My apologies. I concede I made two points of discussion. I will allow opposing counsel to choose which point should be argued first.
I sat down to talk to Damon.
"It must be his hair. He is not acting like himself. Its throwing me off."
'He is acting exactly as he always has. He can play by the rules when it suits him.' Damon advised. 'He's in your court. Do not let him psyche you out on your ground. When he uses the rules, he can be defeated. When he breaks the rules he can be fought. Concentrate on the issues at hand. You can not draw this argument, you must sculpt it. Do not focus on Details to make a picture. Chose the largest piece of wood or stone and slowly chisel away what you want to make the work of art you desire.'
I stared across the hall to see Jax and BJ. sitting still and content.
"Sex is not a biological right. It is a biological impulse that can, and though out history has, been over-ridden and/or ignored."
Not without consequences. Jax said crossing his arms and leaning back.
"Celibacy is a long standing and respected practice throughout history. It was practiced by Counsel until the age of 21. It could be said that we have once again resumed it practice."
Not willingly. Jax said interrupting. BJ. nudged him and shook his head pointing to the Judge, who only stared back Dot - Dot - Dash. I continued.
"Celibacy has been said to offer inner strength, conviction and willpower. Thus its use by religious leaders. Whether this reputation is disserved or not is irrelevant. The point is that sex is a biological urge. It can be over-ridden, with numerous benefits, the main one being the containment of the contagion. Prevention from receiving it. Prevention from spreading it.
Sex is a choice. Not a right or a duty. You choose If you have it. With whom you have it, how often you have it. Celibacy is the safest choice to make. A choice that should only be broken for Monogamy if it is ever broken at all."
The Right hall applaud.
Sex is a biological drive in all of nature. Procreation is engrained in our genes. Granted, man has a larger brain and is actually able to make some choices on how that biological drive is expressed. For example, counsel is well aware that one can chose not to have sex, but he still has little to no choice over what he desires to have sex with.
The denial of sex in the human beast has through out history more often proven to create monsters rather then heroes. Historically Clergy only pretend to be Celibate. Those who choose to actually remain celibate find themselves in a constant battle of wills over what they want VS. what they are being driven to do. Insane jealousy, Uncontrolled Rage, Obsessive, often abusive behavior develops as the individual tries to refocus an unstoppable biological drive. The longer the drive is resisted, the more intense the release must be.
This is only self induced Celibacy I speak off. Something which opposing counsel is well aware of ... and the Beasts it produces.
Imposed Celibacy is even worse. Then the Human animal -
"I object to Human beings, being referred to as animals."
A human being is still an animal, by biological definition, despite his self awareness and higher brain power.
We both stared at the unmoving judge awaiting a ruling.
"YYoouurr HHoonnoorr??"
He shrugged once again, then said with a wave of his hand ~Continue.~
"Your judge is not going to be a big help." I said to Jax.
You agreed to it. As I was saying - Imposed Celibacy is even worse. Here the human animal is willing to use a realization he is denied. This is also something Opposing Counsel has experienced. It leads not only to low self esteem through feelings of rejection, isolation and depression, but leads to acts of sexual depravity spear headed out of desperation for a release - any release.

9910.18

"This Judge SUCKS! Won't actually Decide Anything!!" I yelled in hushed tones to Jax in an anti-chamber.
Christ, do we have to go through this every weekend?
"What are you talking about? I'm talking about this judge ... And that fucking green hair - What happend to purple?"
Okay. The judge is fine. If niether of us conceeds then the judge and court are forced to decide. Second, You liked Purple not me. Green is a tip of the hat to other smart and miniacle Jokers. Its what I want and finally got that forced into your head. Live with It!
Third! You are aggetated and stalling. You don't like this debate and I still will NOT let you out of it - So Fuck You! We'll finish it! - But first you want to whine about your weekend.
Fine! Boo-hoo you didn't get any sleep because you wanted to game and party. Ha - Ha! I think its hysterical Shane has you figured out so well he can predict with 99% accuracy what you will say and do at the Bar 'Golly lots of good looking men - to bad none of them like poor little 'ol me - Guess I'll go home alone and fucking pout like a baby!'
"Shane never said that!"
NO - I  FUCKING DID! Every fucking weekend its the same God damn cry baby routine. I'm Sick of it! That's why you don't get out of this debate. If I win, you get to make a few moves and have Sex!
In the unlikely event I  lose, You have given yourself absolutely NOTHING to complain about and will have to shut the fuck up!
And Last but not Least You are only pised off about Bil chasing Geofry because you won't and about Devin's little fooling around after breaking up with Rodger because you weren't considered! NOT that you would have excepted, you bitter, vengeful little shit! - You just wanted to know he thought of you that way (and he obviously doesn't) so you could hurt him back for the Valentines Day mishap and then keep things exactly the same as they were - Everyone else having fun and sex while you stay Alone!
Does That About Cover It?!?

I drew my sword instantly and shoved it into Jax's chest. After running the blade all the way through I grabbed the hilt with both hands and pulled down on it, like gambling at a slot machine. I snapped several ribs and cut the tattooed ribbon over his heart. I then with drew the blade and watched the wound vanish as Jax mearly stood there. The tattoo ribbon stayed severed and gently drift apart before finally freezing in time like the picture it is.
"As I thought." I said sheathing the blade again as Jax stood indignately with his hands on his hips. "You have no heart, no love. Thus there should be NO connection between Hate and Comedy. Laughter should be linked to Joy and Love."
Jax reached down and grabbed the ends of the ribbon and crossed them over the scar on his heart. There the tattoo once again froze.
You can't tell me you, and others, don't laugh out of hate or indifference. Mocking the joy of the act of laughter. Its a tie stronger then the ribbon around a heart. It's a knot that restrains it.
You want to see my love? Look at my hate. I will destroy all that I hate, so I can enjoy what I love. Notice I hate only a few of your self-destructive behaviors. I'm out to help the rest of you.
Now - shall we continue our debate?
"I conceed overwhelming biological urge, If you will conceed that correct choices in its expression are esential."
Correct Choices are always essential to happiness of any kind - Spiritual as well as physical. I'm against denial, not direction.
"Done. Lets go out and argue the points of containment behavior."
Safe Sex Coming up.
> RJ
"Jax! What the Fuck is wrong with me?!?"
What are you talking about now?
"I wake up fucking angry."
What do you expect? Six hours of sleep interupted by a cat that won't stop clawing an electric blanket or chasing your toes. Prevented from falling asleep again because Bil and Geofrey where using the computer
"They where quite. I could have ..."
You were already pissed off about the cat, now you have a freeloader with a key bringing his hope to be in your home to use the computer with out asking. Wasn't that key supposed to have been given back by now?
"We haven't talked about it."
Right! Because he only comes over here while you're sleeping. Leaves before you wake up or right after you do. Avoiding the subject. Still using you for all he can.
"Hello water! Please bless me with your placid nature and help me to work in unison with the other four elements. My spirit, the Air, the Fire within me and the Earth below me."
You want this to work? Then plant your feet firmly on the ground and take a deep breath. Then listen to me - Trust your spirit and use the fire within you and let the Rapids come.
Not here when you came back. All the lights Left on. Dirty dishes on the stove, Pop next to the computer, crackers on the chair. How many weeks and he still hasn't moved all of his stuff out?
All of this ... and you wonder why you're mad?
"I used to be able to blow this off."
And you never should have. Thus I was born. Thus I came back.
"Jax shut up."
Let it go and except the realities of the situation and then do something.
"Tyler ... If I end up with a scar on my hand, I am likely to try and blow my brains out."
If you don't do something you are going to end up with bigger and deeper scars that you won't even be able to put neosporin on.
Do somthing, or say something soon. If not ... leather and face pain will be saying a lot to a few people.
"What are you doing here?" he said trying to sound mean.
"Working!" I said mean.
"Are you coming in tonight?" he said confused.
"Fuck no!" I said confusing him more as I rushed past him, slamming throught the swinging doors.
"Man, Whats wrong? Where are you comin' from?"
I pick up the book. Can't believe I left it here. Looks untouched, hard to believe. And this jerk, wears the shirt and has seen me once. Why does he think he can talk to me? Does he even know my name?
I come from a small dark and lonely place devoid of Money, Love, Compasion and patience - So Get out of my way.

9910.19

Your honor, Opposing counsel is trying to deal with some anger issues so I'm requesting that our recess be continued until -...
"Fuck that! Lets get this shit over with." I said storming in behind Jax. The Judge shrugged.
"Your honor, We have concede that sex will happen regardless of whether it is right or wrong. Denial of this fact causes greater problems ~ whether contagion is involved or not. Denial of an individual with Contagion will only cause the individual to become more desperate, putting him in the position to break or bend morals, ethics, or even laws. It will now be our intent to argue the moral and ethical, merits and flaws of sexual behavior, possibly social behavior, and define a clear set of ethics for the behavior."
Your Honor, I don't know why Social behavior should be looked at. This is a debate of sexual behavior, morals and ethics - on a Personal level.
"Jax, Sex is a social act - besides, I think I can save some time here. Bear with me."
I'll grant some leeway.
"Your Honor, and members of the Court, Counsel intends to first argue that our specific contagion as well as many others, have been studied and defined well enough that 'safe sex' behavior is the ethic that over-rides or eases the moral implications of sexual behavior."
That's awfully broad.
"But true?"
I will concede that, in the case of contagion, any sexual behavior should be allowed as long as both (or all) parties consent and take the necessary precautions.
"No harm, no foul." I said. Jax shrugged and then whispered to BJ.
Yeah, We concede.
"I have no intention of debating the morals of every sexual act. I have no problem with 'No harm, No foul' BUT Celibacy is the only one hundred percent effective Safe Sex Activity."
Object! Condoms!
"Not 100%. Minus human error the percentage is nearly 99.9% but NOT 100%. Adding in Human error this percentage drops drastically."
Are you trying to say you are Stupid?
"No, I've done my research. I've done my best to educate others. But I can only take responsibility for my own actions. Error on the partners side still nullifies 'No harm, No foul.'"
Your Honor, This is absurd.
The judge mearly shrugged.
Fuck. Jax muttered under his breath.
"Do you concede that no 'safe sex' act, other then celibacy, barrier or chemical is 100% effective."
I have to. 100% is very ridged.
"Factoring in human error and an extreme lack of general and specific education and 'safe sex' really isn't all that safe."
You can't argue back to Denial of sex. We already concede that sex will happen.
"Given. It doesn't mean that with contagion involved the most moral and ethical answer isn't Celibacy."
Wait! You are arguing from the stand that it is immoral to spread the virus ... or contagion.
"We argue from the stand point of knowing about the contagion. It would be wrong to knowingly transmit the contagion."
Corrections and clarifications - It would be wrong to willingly, consciously, intentionally, transmit a contagion. It is possible to transmit a contagion unknowingly, and unintentionally. Those instances are acts of God or fate and outside of your control. It is only unethical or immoral to not take every precaution available.
"I'll concede that."
'That was way to easy.' BJ. said to Jax, who nod in agreement.
"So you concede that Disclosure is a precaution that should be taken."
'Oh fuck!' BJ whispered.
NO! Jax swiftly stood slamming his fists on the table.
"True or False - did you not say 'It is only unethical or immoral to not take every precaution available.'?"
I did, but -
"Is not Disclosure a precaution available?"
NO
"I argue that it is. By disclosing ones status and educating the rest, not only to its presents but its characteristics, Allows the society around them to make its own judgements on how they choose to handle their exposure."
'Here's that social argument he brought up.' BJ said.
Your Honor! We originally state that these would be personal - NOT universal arguments.
"Your Honor, We have established all the personal Morals and Ethics we can except this one point that counsel has but hasn't conceded to.
Right or Wrong - Sex will happen.
We argue from the standpoint of knowing there is a contagion.
We therefore support the Ethic that Denial of sex is wrong. Direction of Choice is required.
The Ethical Choice of Direction is to take All precautions available to prevent the spread of the contagion.
All Precautions. I concede to that.
All Precautions includes education. Personal education as well as Public. Education requires disclosure -"
Not True! One can educate the public to the risks without identifying themselves as a carrier of the contagion. In fact many that do NOT have the contagion have taken up the mantle of educating others.
"If I must consider human error in my precautions, doesn't it stand to reason that a partner should be educated to proper procedures and precautions?"
'Careful' BJ. mutter.
Yes, but that doesn't mean he has to know.
"When considering human error doesn't it stand to reason that you take the risk more seriously when you know the risk is real and not assumed?"
'Careful' BJ whispered.
Maybe, but -
"Isn't it morally correct, even Ethically correct, to inform any one at risk of the risk? That way they can make their own choices and decide on which precautions they want to exercise?"
Disclosure displaces the decisions to another's hands.
"It places them firmly in the hands of both. After all, I can only decide for myself. It would be wrong to decide for another - especially in assessing a risk."
Judge, I can not concede this point.
"You can't support any argument against it being a precaution available."
Judge, I ask you rule on this.
The Judge, mearly , shrugged.
"Lets ask the crowd!" I said loudly.
NO! Jax said trying to stop me.
"Wouldn't you Want to Know?"
The crowd murmured amongst themselves. The din slowly rising ever louder.
What are you doing?!? Jax asked as the mumbles of 'I'm not sure' rose to whispers of 'Well, yeah.' becoming assured, 'Of course I would.' and then Yells of 'Yes, I would!'
"Winning." I said. I raised my arms to quite the crowd.
"I have HIV! Will you have sex with me?" the crowd stayed silent.
"There is NO guarantee you will not Catch this virus. Even if we take all the precautions. Does anyone want to risk it?" the crowd mumbled.
Everyone should assume their partner has a contagion. Jax said.
"I agree. - I did."
Everyone should be educated enough to know where and what the risks are.
"I know. - I was."
It isn't as if you die immediately, cruelly or even -
"I know. Convince them."

RJ

9910.20 (this one went straight to the computer)

What the Fuck do you think you are pulling!?!
"I just won the debate you fuck hole!"
The hell you have Shit for brains! What is this bullshit about dragging everyone else into this?
"That was the deciding point, Jax! I thought and thought about what was really holding me back. You know what - it wasn't me. I was acting in the most moral and ethical way possible. What was stopping me was that everyone else - WASN'T! Want me to get some - convince them that my concern and honesty isn't a draw back. Convince them that love is worth the risk. I know! They don't!"
Why are you fucking yelling at me?
"Because you Fucking Promised me you would WIN! You over confident Asshole! You lost!"
"Uh, Hello."
What the Fuck!?!
"Hello, Nick."
This discussion isn't over.

He showed up at the door as I came home from work. I haven't heard from him in weeks. He was wearing the same clothes he left in, but riding a new mountain bike. Seems he's been staying with a friend - who loaned him the bike.
He isn't really staying with the friend.
"Right, they ride around together. They crash at various places. Seems Fitz is one of them."
Tell them about Fitz
"Guy from long ago at the comic book shop. Nice looking black guy - just not really all there."
Retard
"Maybe ... really mild. Friends with everyone the second you meet."
Like Devin
"Worse."
So, is Nick a whore yet? Jax asked with a smirk.
"Evidently."
Sorry!?!
"He says Fitz will give them, he and his friend - maybe even others that come by, money to let him give them blow jobs."
That sorry Son of a Bitch.
"Fitz or Nick?"
Both
"What's worse, Nick seems to think this is alright. He doesn't feel like a 'prostitute'. But fact of the matter is - he is."
I bet he isn't even that good.
"He can't take the money."
What?
"He was offered $60, he did the deed, then only took $20."
Jax laughed, Please, don't tell me you feel sorry for this jerk! Fuck he should have taken the $60 up front and then only let Fitz watch.
"Maybe..."
What the Fuck? Are you Pissed that you don't have the money to make the offer? Because you get paid tomorrow.
"No - maybe a little. I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't have the money anyway. Stack of bills on the desk."
Maybe you should ask him for a sample in return for all that you already gave him.
"Bad enough he suggested staying here all day while I slept. That would give him the idea that if he put out he could stay here."
Still trying to get it all for nothing.
"Devin called while he was here."
Send him to Devin.
"Devin just about hung up on me when I said he was here. I think Nick is right - Devin doesn't want him anymore."
Want him?
"Nick thinks it's as a roommate. He think Devin just lost interest in 'helping' him. I think maybe Devin just woke up and realized he was never going to get anything out of the deal."
What else? You are not in bed like you should be. You could have written all this later. What else is bothering you?
"They are all coming back tonight. I wouldn't be able to write this later."
Should have told them to go the Fuck away.
"I kicked them all out so I could go to sleep. Could have been in bed by 1pm. Didn't get there until 2:30. Told them I'd be up by 9pm to go for a walk. Nick wants to go. Hopes he'll find Joe and be able to get a ride for his stuff back to the place he's staying. - Didn't even ask me ... I would have."
So the fuck what - maybe he finally decided that he's asked enough of you.
"Still pulling the same attention getting stunts."
That's why you are awake now?
"Part of it. Knock at the door. I ignored it. Knock at the door, I ignored it. Knock at the door, I still ignored it. Knocked at my fucking window next to the bed!"
Did you kill him!?!
"No."
At least maim him, Shit for Brains.
"He was already bleeding."
Is that what he wanted - medical attention.
"No, but that is what he got. He wanted to find out if I needed any bread. Evidently he can scam it off some program he scammed his way into by pretending to be suicidal."
He was offering you bread ...
"And an apology for waking me up. Then I noticed the blood running down his arm. I brought him in long enough to clean it off and put a band-aid on."
Should have let him bleed to death.
"Wouldn't have happened out of that little popped zit."
Anything else?
"Devin told me to stop coughing. I coughed once in his presence - he reeked of cigarette smoke. I told him I had stopped coughing. He gave me a hug and whispered 'liar' in my ear."
Please tell me you fucking killed him.
"No."
Gut punch him! Slap him! Yell at him! Anything!
"Nope. Just let go of the hug and stood there. In shock I think."
You know what kills me? I mean, I'm laughing so hard right now - You currently hate all these people for the shit they have just pulled, and you have already invited them all back here tonight.
"Maybe I'm inviting them back so I can kill them."
If I thought you where serious, I'd congratulate you. But I know it's just because you are a weak willed sucker. If you are lucky, maybe Devin won't come back. That would leave you and the desperate Nick. Then once you walk through a dark and secluded park you could rape and kill him. Bury him in the construction site. He has no ID. He has no family looking for him. No friends that would come looking for him. Anyone that 'cares' for him would only think he moved on to some greener pasture.
"Stop it. You are scaring me."
You're right. Pray that Devin shows up. Witnesses make it more difficult - but not impossible.
"Jax -"
Don't worry. I'm sure you will be able to go back to sleep now. Get another 4 hours and forget all about this aggravation. I'm sure that after only 4 hours of sleep you will be in the best of moods and will be able to fight all these nasty impulses.
"Jax, tighten the fucking collar. I'm not capable."
I don't know. Just because you never have - I think you are definitely being driven to the limits. Maybe you should just have Nick take you over to Fitz's and maybe he'll give you $60 for a blow job. You'd be rich and relieved.
"I'm done talking to you now. I'm going to remove the chair from under the handle of the locked door and go to bed. I'm going to relax and hope I fall asleep before the alarm goes off or the phone rings with another message for Bil. I don't want to listen to his creditors bitch about payment schedules into my machine - or his wannabe cry because he's alone."
That's a last straw if ever I heard one.
"Shut up - I'm calm."

The hell you are.

9910.21:23:40

What the Fuck do you think you are doing!?! Jax said throwing his back to the door like some paranoid cartoon character.
"Magic." was my reply. "I seem to have gotten quite good at it."
What the Fuck are you talking about?
"I kept Nick from showing up. Actually he did show up again - early. He knocked on the door from 8pm until 8:30 before leaving. I stayed in bed until 9pm."
Yippee - hooray - good for you.
"Can't kill him if he isn't there. Built up a lot of anger listening to him knock and knock and knock and knock and -"
I get the idea fuck wad.
"But no one else showed up at 9 either. I waited until 9:25 before leaving for the walk everyone seemed to want to attend. I have to admit, as I walked I got more angry - and more calm. I decided someone should pay. I wanted vengeance."
Vengeance? For what?
"For everyone not showing up. Just then, Devin came out of the woods. There was someone."
Did you kill him? Bury him in the construction?
"Throw him in the lake to eliminate the evidence? No. But we did talk about murder and forensic evidence." I said with a grin. "I said I was calm. Subtlety was the goal here. He seemed in a foul mood himself. So, I wanted to help."
Yeah! Right!
"Actually, I did. I asked what was wrong. A bit tight lipped at first, but soon I drew out that he had been 'stood up' at the coffee shop, and so decided to join me."
How nice to be second on the list yet again.
"I kept drawing him out. Encouraging him to talk. Then the magic word was spoken."
Oh, God ... it was 'Rodger'.
"That's the one. All his frustration and unresolved issues. I have to admit - I became tired of Devin's voice almost instantly. I wanted him to shut up. But I still wanted to help. I gave him suggestions about how he should talk to Rodger. Get the issues resolved. 'All you have to do,' I said, 'is talk to Rodger.' That's when I realized the magic was working."
What?
"Rodger drove up. He's never out there. Coincidence? I don't think so. Rodger pulled up and I even told him, 'We have summoned you.' and he even said he believed it."
Good call I guess. Now Devin could at least talk to Rodger.
"But instead, he shut up like a clam. Not a word out of him."
Well, you did want him to shut up.
"I gave him the options. I even let him know it was all magic. He chose to be silent. I would have been happy either way. In a way - I even got my revenge. I don't think Devin had been that uncomfortable since I summoned him to Nick's presence earlier."
You think you did that?
"I think so."
I think you are delusional.
"Shane and I went out tonight. Drove up to Kansas City and went to the Dixie Bell."
Well, we know how that went. How many times was Shane hit on?
"Once - by a skinny guy. He was taunted by a group of fat men at the end of a bar - who only liked other fat men."
The poor guy. So, you where able to share a night of loneliness.
"I think not my evil Klown friend."
You don't mean -
"I actually had my dick taken out of my jeans and fondled. Hell, Shane even came around the corner to see me take out the other guys and talk about all his piercings."
You - had dick in your hand?
"Oh, yeah! And lets not forget about all the sex talk."
You?
"Alacadabra!"
You got more action then Shane?
"Magic!"
Congratulations! You had sex.
"No, I didn't. I had foreplay. Granted it was full contact foreplay - but no sex. Still even made it fully known that I was HIV positive and looking for a relationship."
Well, we still have work to do if you had your dick in his hand and still didn't have sex. But it's a good start. ... So, tell me - you think he was trying to put you back in your place when he mentioned the score?
"10 to 1. No, I think he was just a bit shocked at the turn of events. Like I told him, I'm not going to brag about this. It's a sure way to jinx the magic. 10 to 1. I think he's actually hoping that I catch up."
Do you think you will?
"I don't want to. This isn't a game. I want one catch. I want it to last."
Whatever.
"I keep rolling 'Fight Club' over in my head."
Here we go again.
"I'm looking for a better resolution then the one the movie presents."
That one was painful ... and lonely.
"You are just looking out for your own ass."
You'd miss me.
"Maybe. But I have to admit - as shocked as I think people will be with the content of this balloon - I can't wait to let it go and watch it fly away."
Do you really think you can let it go?
"I think I've already begun."
What's next?
"Get ready to let you out. I've gotten the 'to do' list done. I have the money I'll need. I think you'll even get the full 24 hours - if not a bit more."
How kind.
"I guess my next problem is getting you to open that door."
What, to the white pages? Fat Chance. Besides we still need to talk about that stunt you pulled in court.
"Say it and get it over with."
You still pretend like you have a lethal poison in your blood. That you would kill any lover you get - safe or not.
"I'm not pretending. The virus is lethal."
Funny how you are still alive, huh?
"...magic?"
Oh, yeah. Magic called life. Maybe you forget why you started this web thing. I enter as exhibit A a web site dedicated to showing a LIFE with HIV.
"Like I said, convince them."
How do you expect to do that, when you haven't seemed to convince yourself?

"God Damn it, Jax!" I said blunt, but calmly. Jax started to laugh - like clowns do.

9910.23

I don't even want to hear it. You opened the door.
"Well, I was sitting in the front room with the lights and TV on. I couldn't very well ... Okay ... I opened the door. Actually I was glad to see them until I found out why they came over."
Shane has a big mouth.
"Honest, I could care less what he said. But to come over and congratulate me on getting felt up .. what's up with that?"
What's up with finger combing you hair? Or the puppy eyes and the finger touches every time you walked by? Psycho Mom!
"I don't know. Weird moment or mood. Full moon effecting something. It was just weird. Glad to see them go after two hours."
Two and a half   you tried to get them to leave earlier. Still they stayed to the end of Voyager. You had work to do.
"I did it."
Could have gotten more done - or done sooner.
"Speaking of which - weird writing again. Last two entries I put directly into the computer. Finally have the privacy to do that."
No one reading over your shoulder or asking to use the computer, or just knocking on the door when your in the middle of writing.
"It's nice. Lots of social stuff this weekend. Monday, I may just put a sign up saying 'go away'. If I plan to be done I can't be bothered. I have things to try on, try, draw, type, scan, still try and sleep.
Next week will have to be appointments only."
You won't do it.
"Want to bet?"
It's the only thing that will drive you to do it.     I'm bored. Want to play questions?
"Do you mean to start now?"
Yes.
"Statement. 1 love." Jax smiled and sat down on the other side of the table.
1 love - Is that what you want?
"Haven't I made that clear?"
Is it necessary?
"Is there something wrong with it?"
Can it be done?
"Is that rhetoric?"
Why only one?
"Isn't it expected?"
Do you have to follow?
"Aren't I in the lead?"
Are you saying others expect more of you?
"Don't they expect different things of me?"
Because of the virus?
"Is there another reason?"
Aren't you gay?
"Does that matter?"
Aren't they the same stereotype?
"Isn't that just wrong?"
Is it?
"Yes."
Statement 1 - 1 Your serve
"Why do you care who I love?"
Why do you care how many?
"Don't I have a virus?"
Does that matter?
"Shouldn't it factor in?"
Why not play safe?
"Why not be cautious?"
Aren't they the same?
"When you skateboard, and wear pads, Can't you still be reckless?"
Is that dangerous?
"To himself or others?"
Shouldn't they get out of his way?
"What if they can't see him coming?"
Isn't he watching out?
"Aren't we still talking about reckless?"
Is he out of control?
"Does it matter to the one he hits?"
Won't they be okay?
"Doesn't it depend on the individual?"
Can't they forgive him?
"Should they have to?"
Hmmm ...
"Hesitation 2 - 1 Your serve."
Aren't you holding out for the impossible?
"Is that wrong?"
Don't you want a chance?
"Have any present themselves?"
Have you taken any?
"Do I have to?"
Why haven't you settled?
"Who says I wouldn't?"
So you would settle?
"Why should I?"
Aren't you lonely?
"Is that going to kill me?"
Don't you want it to end?
"Isn't that why I dream?"
Are you happy?
"Does my happiness depend on another?"
Isn't that what you dream of?
"No! Not depend."
Statement 2 - 2 Match point. Your serve
"What's wrong with the dream?"
Does it reflect reality?
"Does reality matter in a dream?"
Do you want it to come true?
"Shouldn't there be 'magic'?"
Do you believe in it?
"Isn't that the dream?"
Shouldn't you do, rather then hope?
"Don't I stay open to the possibilities?"
Couldn't you actively seek them?
"Haven't I tried that?"
You failed?
"Wasn't I more lonely?"
Did you look in the right places?
"Where are the right places?"
What did you find?
"What didn't I find?"
Did you find love?
"Don't friends count?"
Not when you're looking for a fuck.
"Vulgar statement. 3 - 2 match. I won that round. New subject, your serve."
Why do you talk to yourself?
"Is anyone else listening?"
Doesn't anyone else care?
"Is caring the same as listening?"
How don't they listen?
"Don't they judge me?"
Do they?
"Won't they think I'm crazy?"
You don't know?
"What are you asking?"
Did you give them the chance?
"Uh ..."
Hesitation 1 - love. Your serve
"Don't you think it's a big risk?"
You have a hard time with risk, don't you?
"Isn't there something to be said for security?"
Why lock yourself in?
"What are you getting at?"
Can't you tell?
"Have we lost the subject?"
How do you expect to get things off your chest?
"You want me to talk to people?"
Shouldn't you?
"Doesn't writing count?"
Are you writing to people?
"I write for myself don't I?"
How may perspectives do you get that way?
"Don't I cover all my bases?"
Can you be sure?
"Aren't I doing well enough?"
What was the black balloon?
"Should hostility be unleashed on friends?"
How else can you stop it?
"Didn't the balloon work?"
Is it off your chest?
"Are you saying it isn't?"
Did it resolve anything?
"Didn't I resolve something's?"
Did you?
"Does it matter if I'm content?"
When you publish, won't it just stir things up again?
"If they read it won't it all be in the open then?"
Shouldn't you have just spoken up in the first place?
"Is this going in circles?"
Have you answered anything?
"Isn't there a rule against this?"
When have I played by the rules?
"Only when it suits your ends."
Statement. 2 love match point for me. Your serve.
"Are other peoples opinions of my problems necessary to solve them?"
What do you think?
"Can't I solve them on my own?"
What are friends for?
"Is sharing problems a prerequisite?"
Don't you trust them?
"What's love got to do with it?"
Non-sequitur and rhetoric. 3 love. 1 match each. Game match. New subject. Your serve.
"Do we really have to play this game?"
Do you want to quit?
"Will you win?"
Wouldn't that stand to reason?
"Why play this game?"
Are you tired?
"Doesn't your brain hurt?"
Are you giving up?
"Have I ever just quit?"
Was it a good fight?
"Was it necessary?"
Was it fun?
"Did you learn something?"
Why should I  learn something?
"Isn't that important?"
Compared to what?
"What do you mean 'Compared to what?'?"
Repetition 1 love
"Was that Repetition?"
Don't you know the rules?
"Am I confused?"
Isn't that normal?
"Did they change the rules?"
Are you sure there are rules?
"If there aren't any rules, can you cheat?"
If there aren't any rules, can you win?
"Shouldn't I have figured this out by now?"
Is that the point of the game?
"Are we hinting at an Allegory?"
Allegory of What?
"Are we talking about life?"
Is Life a game?
"Is it fair?"
How could you cheat?
"How could you win?"
When do you know if you lost?
"When do you start?"
What's the prize?
"Does it matter?"
Is it a competition?
"Do you think its a team sport?"
Isn't that ridiculous?
"What's the goal?"
Wouldn't that be Death?
"Isn't that depressing?"
Depends on why you play.
"Statement. 1 all. Your serve."
Do you consider yourself a teacher?
"Wouldn't that be arrogant?"
Are you?
"Am I what?"
What are you?
"How can I answer that?"
Why answer it at all?
"Didn't I ask the question?"
Then you seek answers?
"Don't we all?"
Why?
"Why not?"
Isn't philosophy dead?
"Did it win the game?"
Is religion the answer?
"Where those last two non-sequiturs?"
Are you confused on the rules again?
"Are you cheating?"
How can I cheat?
"How can I challenge you?"
Is there a judge?
"When?"
Is noon good for you?
"For what?
Will you be judged?
"By who?"
Your Friends?
"Haven't I already?"
What was the verdict?
"Well, Aren't they my friends?"
You tell me.
"Statement. 1 - 2 match point. My lead. Your serve."
You love this don't you?
"It's taking to long isn't it?"
Are you impatient?
"Doesn't that make sense?"
How long can you keep this up?
"How long does it take?"
Is there a time limit?
"Don't you know?"
Is the clock running out?
"Do you feel pressured?"
Do you want to be released?
"From what?"
Is this a trap?
"Is what a trap?"
Can you escape?
"Escape from what?"
Have you had enough?
"Have you had enough?"
Repetition 2 all. Game point. Your serve.
"Are you a Klown?"
Are you stupid?
"Wasn't I nice?"
Have I ever been?
"Do you like being mean?"
What do you think?
"Have you always been hostile?"
Have you always been anal?
"Are you trying to piss me off?"
Is it working?
"What's under the face paint?"
Wouldn't you like to know?
"Don't I deserve a look?"
Isn't that Arrogant?
"Are you denying me?"
Don't you have a mirror?
"Are you a reflection?"
Don't you know?
"Will you leave after Halloween?"
Are you asking me?
"Are you telling me?"
Don't you know?
"Repetition?"
To far apart.
"Statement. Match and Game!"
I let you win.

RJ
9910.24

Now that is what I call thunder under the covers.
"Back off, Jax."
Aren't you happy about actually getting to see the sacrifice of a virgin?
"I pretend to see nothing. I was 'asleep'."
Get over it! You knew it was going to happen! You expected nothing less. Hell, if nothing more you can now say you've slept with Rodger! Jax said laughing.
"We where just in the same bed. We never even touched. Hell, I practically wore armor to bed."
Well, you might have taken your shirt and socks off he hadn't made such a big deal about making sure you didn't sleep naked.
"Well, I didn't have any underware on. I didn't even consider bringing anything since Rodger joined us at the last minute. Didn't even occur to me until we where getting ready for bed.
Rodger standing there in his boxers and then I realized ... I don't have anything but what I'm wearing. If I could have I would have left. I didn't really want to be a witness to Shane's exploits or some nervous moment for Rodger."
Are you done Feeling Fucking sorry for yourself you little Reject!?! You know damn well that's not what any of them felt.
"Do I?"
~ Okay, I can't prove it. It's just a conflict of what you feel and what you know. I think the fact that you seem to want to feel sorry for yourself is overriding what you know to be true, which is that they care. So just shut the fuck up and either get some sleep or work on entering in the other entries.
I turned to leave. Save what I could before starting to back up and enter the past few weeks of the Black Balloon.
Unt-ah! Not so fast you little Shit! Jax said grabbing my arm and spinning me around. SLAP! the left hand said sliding off my stinging cheek. You had one night of Magic! Shane had an off night and you got felt up. You do not get to feel sorry for yourself because things went back to normal. You get to feel joy for the fact that things had changed for a little while - for the fact that you got something for a change. Now go to your room and think about this - Maybe nothing happened because you felt so arrogantly self assured that you deserved it more then they do. At least they worked at it.

Sometimes - I hate that Klown.

9910.26

Chill, You're getting there.
"Just nervous I won't get it all done in time."
One more night and the journal should be caught up. It won't take long to size up the tats ~ good work by the way. I' think Marc will do a great job putting them on.
"I still need to call him and arrage a time."
It will all happen. Congrats on your first assertive 'Fuck you.'
"I have to much else to do. I wasn't going to go over and watch her sleep or talk through the drugs. Everyone else was going to visit. Let them give her the sympathy and pity they would usually dole out to me."
Your getting there. If you'd actually said that last sentance out loud I would have glowed with pride.
"I may think it but I think saying it would be a little over the top."
Cat will be gone by the time you get home.
"Good. Ran out of food last night. Little fucker wouldn't leave my toes alone and actually tired to run off with a slice of my pizza. I locked him in my room for an hour for that little stunt."
You'll miss him, huh?
"Hell yeah! Doesn't mean I'm not happy to see him go. I can still visit if I want. Mom will have him."
Think he'll be pissed at you?
"Why? Just because he was a bad cat the night before going to the vet for a neuter and de-claw? He'll get over it. He'll wake up to someone that wants him and has time to give a little more love and attention then I can."
Bil is your only real worry then.
"Got to get him moved out and get that key back. May just spend my vacation doing it."
Hell of a vacation.
"I'll get over it. I might get him moved out before then but he'll need a key so he can baby sit everyone that wants to met at my house for trick or treat."
Why are you even -
"You know you just might be bored enough to be there by then."
Whatever.
"Going to give you Saturday also. I'll have the hair by then anyway."
You're a peach.
"No, I'm a King."
I see you bought the CD's
"Yes. And they print the lyrics for me. Angels."
Already planning your apologies though.
"I think this will shock a few people."
Who Cares!?! Let it!
"I think there is a lot in here that maybe shouldn't have been said. People may get mad."
Again - Who Fucking Cares!?!  Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
"None of this is a joke."
Fuck 'em anyway.
"Fuck the World, eh?"
Don't try to make sence of these lyrics. In this song I say fuck 93 times.
"Lot of good stuff on that CD. If I wasn't in the whole again I'd back up and buy the older ones."
You got time. After the first of the year money should losen up.
"If Christmas doesn't kill me."
Let Santa Clause take care of everyone. Save your money for you.
"Might just have to. Don't want to but -"
Hey, Scrooge had the right idea. Bah-Humbug to Christmans shopping. Give from the heart. Its cheaper and more spiritual.
"Yeah, Whatever."

9910.27

Gabriel!
"What the ..?!" I said startled by the noise.
"Land sakes alive, Sugar! What's all the commotion?"
Make him stop!
I shrugged as she glanced at me. "Jax, honey - It isn't his time."
No-no! I don't mean Take Him - make him stop thinking about it!
She glanced at me once again in the presents of this hysterical Klown.
"I have no idea what he's talking about." She turned once again to Jax, her purple Mohawk waving in the breeze.
"Explain yourself." she said bluntly. He looked back and forth between us, his green Mohawk now standing nearly on end.
He's thinking about death making a meaning out of life!
Gabriel raised one eyebrow as she looked back to me. The realization then hit me and I began to laugh.
"So, you do know what he's talking about?" She said as I slowly began to buckle over. My laughter was one continuous exhale and I was deflating. "What is he panicking about?"
I now lay on the ground looking up to such colorful hair. Faces with such different expressions. I inhale suddenly and stopped laughing for a moment. I wondered what color my Mohawk was.
"Mathew Shepherd." I said solemnly. Jax gasp and pulled back. Gabriel looked at Jax in astonishment. Then I began to laugh hysterically again.
Make him stop!
"Get a grip, Sugar!" Gabriel said pushing him away. Looking down at me she asked, "You got this under control?" Still laughing I nod and waved good bye to her.
Where are you going? What am I going to do?!? Jax then turned to me as I rolled on the ground laughing so hard my body merely convulsed as I whispered laughter with what little breath my lungs could gather. What is so fucking funny!
"Oh! hehehehehe-snicker ... YOU! ... Klo-how-how-noun" I managed.
Jax watched me laugh for a moment. Then with indignity he placed his hands on his hips.
Breath Stupid. He said then taking a seat. After a moment I began to regain my composure.
Okay, start talking, because I'm pissed.
"How the hell did this get so twisted and turned around?" I asked sitting up for a breath or two.
You where thinking about Death. I thought you where getting suicidal.
"How the hell ..? Why did you think I was ..." I waved him off as I tried to stand. Only with a great effort did I get it to happen. The gravity of the situation seemed to have me.
"Jax - I was thinking about the Death of Mathew Shepherd, .... I don't even know why ... it just came into my head ... Maybe it was because of Melissa Etheridge's song 'Scarecrow'. I don't know. I was just thinking about how a death could be so opposite of the life before it and almost end up being more meaningful then the life."
You where also thinking about if it happened to you.
"Well, yeah - a bit. I mean it could happen so easily. A moment of weakness or loneliness or desperation ... a cute guy promising me some time - some attention. Suddenly I'm in the middle of nowhere outnumbered, out gunned, beaten - and left for dead."
That is ...scary to me.
"Jax," I said almost laughing again. "I'm beginning to understand something about you."
Like what genius?
"You want me happy so I can't get lured into that situation. You want me tough so I could get out of it. You want me to fight off death itself - because you are afraid to die."
Bullshit!
"No denying it. I'm not afraid to die - but you are. That just seems backwards to me. You fight not because you are strong, but because you are afraid. I fight because it's the best option - and I haven't actually found that few options yet." I walk over to Jax and put a hand on each of his shoulders. Gripping the Comedy and Tragedy of the situation. "Jax, you are one very funny Klown." I said with a chuckle. I then playfully slap him on the left shoulder and walk off.

Yuck it up, fuzzball. So you got me on one Realization. I've got you outscored in the long run.

9910.28

How did that feel?
"Good." I said with a smile.
You haven't even tried on the leather.
"No, just the face."
Just the outline - not even the whole thing.
"Got to save it - You have been so close to the top all this time. I can't let you out just yet."
Knock - knock ... I'll be opening the doors one by one.
"Only if I open them. Patience. Your day is coming."
Done with the page except for the updates like this one. Only a couple more drawings to make. By the way - I like the ones you did tonight for the opening.
"That's why I had to draw the face on. Work out the kinks from the concept drawings. Make the portraits for the opening. Good thing I waited. Got your hair color right."
Can we try on the leather tomorrow?
"Have to. Need to see how it will look with weather adjustments. Fix that jacket with the white tats. Friday we start work on the tattoo's with Marc."
Better mix up some of that henna stuff just in case you do decide to use it then.
"I'll buy some coffee for that tomorrow. Saturday afternoon - Haircut bleach and dye."
Saturday night we can go out right?
"Close enough to midnight ... why not."
Practice that face paint. I want it to look sharp - not finger painted on.
"I'll do my best. I want to do a trial run Friday just for practice. Got Saturday night to find all the rest of the kinks. Sunday should be Grand. ... Just try to leave a few peoples feelings in tact."
Pray they don't piss me off.
"Hope they don't try to feed you like Barb."
That's what the candy is for right?
We both began to laugh.
RJ
"They hung my dog."
Its a stuffed werewolf doll.
"They hung my werewolf."
Kill them.
"I think ... I'll let the dog kill them."
Why does this bug you so much?
"Don't you think its disrespectful?"
I think its funny.
"Your disrespectful though."
Fuck you too. Get over it and cut him down. Its a doll, he'll be be fine. ... Do you want revenge?
"What do you have in mind?"
You mean you'll do it?!?
"Depends  on what you want to do."
Lets kill them.
"Nope. I guess Zack will have to watch out for himself."

9910.29

What the fuck?!
"Look! You may not care what you wear, but I'm not going to jail for it."
"Is that legal in Missouri?"
"I don't know I'm from Kansas ... probably not."
He didn't feel you up this time -
"No, but he's doing 'us' a big favor with the emergency alteration. I'll feel him up next time."
KC was kind of far for that little gamble wasn't it?
"Do you want it done and done right? You go to the right place first then settle after that."
Okay - calm down. I'm thankful for it all coming together.
"Gods! I've got to get ready for work!"
Whoa! Wrong shoes! Those are mine!
"Fuck it! Time to get your feet wet. Not like you haven't already broken all the rest of the rules."
Like what?
"Speaking outside of the journal. Being created out in public. Written about, drawn, etc. Leaving your shit out for company to see -"
Hehe - I get the point, I've been bad. Get the rest of the work done.

RJ

9910.30

That henna shit didn't work for crap.
"I know. Give me a knife."
Alright! Not that I think Marc deserves it but -
"For the Pumpkins Dick head!"
Oh ... Well - carve em up good!
"Shut up and put in one of the porno's"
Sex and violence! this is going to be a great night.

RJ

Pictures From the Big Top.

That's all that I have for right now. I think Kara has some better pictures. I'll let you know if anything else turns up.

2K05.10 - Here are the pictures Kara took.

	< Here is a better picture of Marc then the one I had here. He's using a hena pen to draw on the tatoos for Jax (with no idea of what I'm getting ready to become). Unfortunately, the hena didn't work well, and Brian (C) redrew them in ink for me later. I don't have any pictures of that. > Then I showed up at there door on Halloween.
This is the best picture of the 'Eat Me!' tatoo	This is the best picture of the 'Feed Me' tatoo.	I am not doing what you think I am. I would never pee in Marc's yard. But I might ;)
	< Jax and Marc are like buddies aren't they! > Jax thanks Marc for all his help - and the embarasment of having this picture on the net. Thanks for the halloween pictures Kara.