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How to begin your day.
To: 1misfit@cox.net
Subject: Good morning.Good morning!
Hope you got a restful night of sleep. I really enjoyed myself today. You're a really great guy...I'm finding it hard to understand why you've been by yourself for so long...:)...I guess the world is just full of stupid people? *LOL*
Once you left, *roommate* and I got into a long discussion about her and *someone* (*sigh*) and I never did get around to contacting *T*, but I will try again in the a.m. Anyway, I'm off to bed in a minute, but I was thinking about you and decided to risk overkill by sending you this email. Have an amazing day!
Rick
So, do I even need to mention what a wonderful guy this is?
My reply probably gave him some cause to worry - but shouldn't have, but I
relate because it also describes one of the messages from last night.
Good morning, Rick.
Speaking of *T*, tell him everything is okay and I don't care what others say - no matter what his motivations where for a good deed (Just ask him, he left a strange message on my machine).
I had a great time also. Really like the holding hands - and the kissing.
I'll try to call you this afternoon amid my returning the unheard of 5 calls I received yesterday while I was gone (one being *T*).
Got to warn you. I can recognize this is the part where I am going to start acting a little quirky. You have stirred me up and I am trying to skim crap off the top. I have to put some of it down in writing, by then I might be able to give you a better idea of what I mean. - just be patient ... now you might understand why I have been alone so long *shrug*
*hugs - kiss*
Until l8+r
I really hope he isn't sitting there wondering what he did wrong - because he didn't.
Okay, little more explanation to the message I spoke of. *T* is the one that introduced us. He called and kind of rambled about how he was talking to some friends about how good he felt that he introduced us and we are getting along so well - kind of like a good deed - but this isn't a good deed, or some kind of pity move - he just wanted to let me know incase it got back to me that he was bragging about a good deed which isn't what he was doing ...
You get the idea that *T* and I have the same ramble and dig a hole syndrome thing going?
Now lets get into the stirred up, crap off the top and Greg (and lets add Devin) must die in my head.
I HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT!
Sitting next to Rick, holding hands (even in public a bit), kissing, hugging,
talking, snuggling a bit, meeting his friends, etc - I had a good time.
Why I can't leave it at that - Why Jax hasn't stood up in my head and slapped
the shit out of me for not leaving it at just that - I don't know.
I just started to drive home and think about it. <- THAT'S THE PROBLEM RIGHT
THERE!!
But I was thinking about how nice it all felt. How long it had been since I held
hands with someone ... That would have been Greg, on the couch while we watched
TV.
How long it had been since I kissed someone. Came close with Greg until he told
me no, because I would put to much into it. I think the last time I was kissed
was by Devin - while he was drunk, after he pulled his dick out at the bar, and
before he left with three other guys for an orgy.
Rick reminds me of Scott the way he can't sit still. He reminds me of Devin the
way he knows EVERYBODY! (but at least Rick makes introductions). He reminds me
of Greg with is childlike enthusiasm and love of gaming.
RICK IS NOT THESE PEOPLE!!
I am aware of what I am doing and I am trying to stop it. I am comparing
everything he does to something someone else did and later turned around to hurt
me with.
Rick is good right now, it's like he's to good to be true. I keep waiting for
the other shoe to drop rather then enjoy the moment I'm in.
One last thing - and I hate myself for it.
Rick is fantastic. We can talk for hours, he treats me like a human being (I
should also note since I haven't written it specifically. He knew I was HIV
positive before he met me. After we met, he really liked me and was asking *T*
if I was looking for a relationship or would be interested in Dating. He is HIV negative
- knows I'm positive, and STILL wants to get to know me better including
sexually. How long have I been waiting for that to happen?) and is just ...
well, to good to be true. Where is the catch?
Well, I've got one and I hate myself for it. He is a nice enough looking guy -
but I am just not sexually attracted to him.
I am praying that the more I get to know him the more attractive he will become.
I've had it happen in the past. Quite a few of the people that I have fallen in
love with over the years are not models. I still found them attractive - more so
the more I got to know them.
I am so scared that I am going to fuck up this chance with something stupid.
We have a great base for honesty. I really want to talk to him about a lot of
this, but for the life of me can't figure out a way to tell him about it without
hurting his feelings. I want him to understand - but I think that would be
impossible since I don't understand right now.
I feel a little caught in a 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' situation. If I
talk to him it could hurt him (and I really don't want to) and if I don't it's a
like a secret between us and either way it goes could start some miscommunication
between us, leading to disasters.
You know - its not just this that I'm afraid will screw things up. What if I
really get that urge again out of depression etc. to go to the arcades again. Or
even cruise a park or ... ANYTHING stupid like that.
I'm scared. I know it.
I'm happy. I know it.
I have to make the effort to just breath and take it one moment at a time.
I also have to get over this feeling that this is my one and only shot at happiness.
-- enough.
Dr's appointment in Wichita tomorrow.
Another 'date' with Rick on Thursday.
When I went to bed, I was actually thinking, this was going to be the first
day since I've met Rick that I wouldn't talk to him. After all, I was going to
work and then leaving for a 4pm appointment in Wichita and the driving back.
Almost as if psychic, he is able to time calling me just when I walk into the
front room and we talk for about 15 minutes before I have to go to work.
Oddly enough, I got back soon enough, that I figured I'd call him and let him
know I was home safe. He was home, and hoping I would call.
We have both told each other that we get clingy or overbearing or something
is wrong that we will tell the other.
We have both told each other that we do not handle hints well - tell us.
I know I can do just this. Not only because I do it for friends, but because I
can talk to him about anything.
He called me last night as I was going to bed. I told him about how I am
having trouble enjoying the moment because I compare them to things that people
who have hurt me in the past have done. Do you know what his response was?
He had nothing that could guarantee he wouldn't hurt me, but he has no intention
of it. He wished he could make me that comfortable now, but figures it will come
in time if we keep trying.
Then he even told me this wasn't easy on him. He usually feels more in control
during a relationship, and I'm not giving him that. It's different, so it's
weird, but he also likes it.
We can talk to each other. No bullshit.
He is currently sick, so is the girl for the double date - that is washed
out. He said he would call me tomorrow. I suggested dropping by anyway. He said
he wants to physically avoid me a couple of days, to get over this cold/flu. We
had the talk about I am not made of glass. His response was again wonderful with
no bullshit.
"From where I work alone -" I was telling him, "I come in contact
with people that work at every store around a city with people that come in
contact with customers. I basically come in contact with everyone's germs."
"Fine." He said. "Let them make you sick and I'll come take care
you. In the mean time, I don't see a reason to do anything stupid. I have to be
well enough to go to work so I'm going to
get a little extra rest and get over this before I see you."
Every time I've run into something where I think he's about to patronize me, or pity me, or bullshit me - I point it out and he gives me an answer that I couldn't have written better myself. Boys and Girls, but a mattress down - I think I'm falling hard.
... that didn't come out the way I wanted.
Tomorrow is one week. I feel like that scene in 'Jeffery' where he is so
excited,
"Don't you just love this part? Where everything is new as we learn about
each other."
Btw' - Doctor's appointment went really well. She treat me like a person, didn't insult my intelligence, made a few suggestions, will consult with my Doctor and review the lab work she took today and get back with me. She would like to see me on HIV drugs to treat the platelets - not surgery. She gave me a prescription for Dapsone (prophylactic antibiotic - she wanted me on one BEFORE flu season really began). I will mostly likely fill it tomorrow when I pick the others up - if it doesn't take my entire paycheck.
Tomorrow - bills. Some rest.
I pissed myself off today.
Vendor said something that made me angry - so angry I just couldn't talk to him
any more. Then I felt bad because I didn't talk to him - felt like I should have
read him the riot act and made him understand what he said wrong.
It was over credits. Two boxes of Lemon cookies to be exact.
"Tell your boss I'll give you credit this time, but I can't afford to keep
feeding his employees." he said. This is actually a fairly common
accusation. It's just common psychology - transference of anger to the store
instead of a list of reasonable occurrences. Bottom line, I don't care if it was
stolen, broken, or anything - it's his job to give us credit.
"It had to be us. I couldn't have been a customer or something?" I
said which usually lets them know that I don't care for the accusation and they
aren't really making the proper statement. But this time, he said something that
really just ...
"Blacks and Mexicans love to eat lemons." he said, and imply steal
them rather then pay for them.
I didn't say another word to him. Checked him in, signed him out and got him to
leave without a word. Not a 'Next', a 'Yes', a 'No', definitely not a 'Thank
you' or even 'have a good day'.
It wasn't until after he left that I really felt like I should have said something! Telling him I didn't appreciate him degrading the parents that Adopted me (a total lie, but it might have made him think) or that I would be happy to tell our Mexican manager to tell our coming Black manager about your bigotry (Which, our manager has a dark tan - I don't know or really care if he Mexican, and it bugs me that this statement almost makes me a slight bigot because of the judgment call. And I have NO idea about the coming manager) again, total lie but might have made him think about his statement.
Instead - he didn't get a word from me. Nothing.
Silence = Death. Damn my quite tongue.
Just spent three hours on the phone with Rick again. I feel better. We talked about this. He is feeling better. I hope to be joining a table top role-playing game with him and some friends soon.
I should go. Bed time after all.
I think I'm lost again.
Don't even know where to begin this entry.
Rick got some time off from work last night, went to a party with friends
here, then met up with me after the game at Steak'n'Shake. He asked, and I said
yes, if he could stay here with me, then take him to work in the morning.
There appeared to be only one thing on his mind at first. I have to say that I
was flattered - but I wasn't ready for sex.
Just even saying that sounds so wrong coming from me! He did respect that
however. We got into extreme touch and feel, but no sex. We talked a great deal.
Kind of played twenty questions.
I took him to work. I drove home - to the arcade. I think maybe I was hedging
my bets on this impulse. It's 7am now, no one is there but the clerk. I put $3
in tokens to use. Wondered why the hell I was there. He had me kind of worked up
- I have no idea why I said, and stuck to 'no sex tonight'. We talked about it.
I've been talking to a few people about it.
I think I love him.
I don't feel I love him.
Why I can't ever seem to get these two things to match up (I mean lets look at
it - Greg was the exact opposite).
Many people have been telling me this is normal and it will pass. I'm actually
afraid that it won't and I'm hoping that it will.
Is it just because I've been hurt so much before? Maybe because he had been
drinking that night at the party (not like he was trashed - in fact if he hadn't
told me I probably wouldn't have noticed - we did talk about that).
On the way home I had a thought - Danazol has sexual side-effects. Is this one
of them? That I just am not turned on when I should be.
I can't think of one reason why this should be this way. Not ONE. And yet -
It makes me feel shallow, inadequate and just stupid at times.
We talked a lot last night. I think the phrase still sticking in my mind was him
telling me to keep him up to date on my feelings. He wants this to work out, but
he doesn't want to be 'the consolation prize'. That 'only option' topic came up.
I stopped at McDonalds and got a breakfast. I never get the chance to have
them. I'm at work during the breakfast hours. I sleep in on the only day I could
try them. They didn't give me what I ordered. It was still nice.
I sat down with the bills.
I can't understand how I have no money and yet none of my bills got paid last
month. I can't understand how I really haven't done anything extravagant, but
still have no money and it's not looking like I'm going to recover the savings
account soon.
I'm back to looking at that State application. Still doesn't start until after
January ... still something.
Phone rings. I figure it's Rick (he does call later).
It's Shawn (M). My first real lover, my first real Ex-lover. We haven't talked
in years really. He had a strange dream with me in it, so he took it as a sign
to call me. It was Christmas, I was there, with the worst case of diarrhea he
had seen.
I told him Diarrhea was the one thing I DIDN'T have right now. We spent about 45
minutes on the phone catching up.
Ray called. We talked for a couple of minutes after we determined neither one
of us had the money for lunch.
"So, how are you today?" he asked.
"Very confused." I replied.
I still am.
Rick actually dropped by and borrowed a book from me. I was able to get another
hug. I needed that.
I'm going to write the checks I can (which may only be one check) then I will find something to eat that last $5 in my wallet. Maybe a movie at the $1.75 theater.
Don't know.
Confused.
Thinking about taking out the cards for advise. I haven't used that crutch in
a long time.
Trying to break old patterns.
=== 21:05
How ironic. I'm disconnected.
Modem can't find the computer. I can't upload, I can't download, I can't get to
the net, can't get to e-mail.
Smashed my finger in the door. Hurts to type.
Talked to Rick. He couldn't talk at length while at work. He had work
visitors when I called.
I thanked him for the amount of self control and understanding he exhibit last
night. He said he has some ideas about that - he wants to talk to me about them
- just not right now.
I've been thinking about it since. I have an idea of what he might say.
I'm afraid I'll give him the virus. I'm afraid I'll give it to anyone ... but -
It's easier to get past when it's a stranger, and there is no connection. I can dispassionately
argue all the points of transmission, disclosure and risk assumption with
someone I have no connection to; or may never see again.
It's a whole different story with someone you really care about. Some one that
will be around. Some one repeatedly taking the risk. Some one that I may have to
watch go through all the things that I have. (some how I think I just got some
insight to the statement that Greg had made about not wanting to be treated like
he sees me being treated).
Last time this was an 'issue' was with Jerry. He was also HIV+. No issue. No worry if we would give it to each other; we both had it all ready. Everyone else I've meet with HIV I haven't made a connection to because they don't seem to have come to grips with their mortality. I didn't want to have a connection to someone still going through all the "I'm going to die!" syndrome. It would be a drain on my life. The ones that I have meet that have come to grips with mortality - already had lovers. Kind of a 'The best ones are taken' kind of thing.
I am afraid of giving this to someone I love.
It's a part of me, that I want to remain a part of me. I'll share my feelings
about it, I'll share my thoughts on it - I don't want to share 'it'.
My finger really hurts. I'm going to stop typing and go to bed.
Computer is now fixed. Modem died. Went with Ray to get another. Kite a check
for it until payday on Thursday.
Caught up on all my e-mail.
Still haven't heard from Scott - been sending out some calls to talk. He knows
me and my situations, could maybe lend me some insight on this situation I'm
having with Rick (Why I can't open up, why sex is kind of uneasy with me right
now, How to handle this phone thing - Scott has experience there - etc.)
Still have Halloween to think of.
Had a bad day at work. I think I came pretty close to killing people in the Meat
Department.
Just want to make it past inventory and then take my last Vacation in Denver.
Bills are going to be bad this month. I'm really going to have to tighten the belt again.
States of Arrested Development.
I'm not losing weight. I'm not really able to exercise.
I can't seem to get Scott to return any calls. I haven't heard anything from or
even about Greg since my last letters.
Since Sunday Rick seems more distant. We have talked, but not about what I think
is weighing on both our minds.
I think I have fucked it up. This time because I didn't want sex.
I can't win.
I haven't thought of an alternative Halloween costume yet. Even my lemme seems
dead.
Right or wrong - I feel like I've done something wrong ... and I don't even
really know what.
I've decided that I am a worthless piece of shit for now. That's why it doesn't
really bother me that I'm staying up late with a sore throat and gorging on
chocolate and peanut butter.
I think I've been here before.
I feel like I should cry - but I can't. I am so completely dead inside.
It starts with -
You said you wanted to talk about last weekend - but couldn't talk at work. I tried to bring it up a couple of times, but we where stuck in gamer talk. I kind of feel like you are avoiding it - but since neither of us deals with hints; I'm asking.
PS- did you make it to the Cam/Anarch game? Hope you had fun if you did.
I go to work - it sucks. I have a scratchy throat, might be coming down with
something. I'm tired.
I came home and asked mom for money. Felt bad for it, especially since I only
wanted a loan - and it looks like she is really going to argue with me about the
payback.
I made lunch (Hamburger Helper) and burned it. Sat down to watch a movie. After
the movie, I noticed the lights on the answering machine. All I can think is
that somehow between the burning food and going out to get the money from my
mother - I missed the two times that Rick called.
I called him back.
He wanted to say his piece first - just so he could get through it. I was wrong
- I didn't know what he was going to say.
"You don't feel the same way that I do. You can't fake spark, and I don't
want you to." Was the gist of his point. He felt it would be best to back
off for a few days, then just be friends.
I brought up the HIV fear on my part. I agreed that I don't have the passion he
wants - but I have always sparked late in most cases. I don't want to give up on
this.
"If we are friends, something can still happen later." Was his point.
He wanted the couple of days to be able to feel sorry for himself and then move
on with being friends. He still wants to call frequently. He said we talk about
things that he can't talk about with other people.
He started talking about how maybe I met him just to show me that is possible,
and that when I meet the next guy that does inspire passion in me - I won't
freak. I repeat, I didn't want to give up on this. I feel like I have really disappointed
him, and that wasn't my intention.
He mentioned it hurt his pride that he couldn't spark that kind of passion in
me. He wants that. I can't fake it and I shouldn't try. He doesn't want to be
the consolation prize.
Cold dead bastard that I am - I couldn't disagree once.
I love him in ways I can't even describe ... but I don't feel the same way he
does.
I don't know if it was the hurt from previous relationships, the doubts that HIV
gives me, or if it was just 'chemistry' that was off.
The damage that HIV has done to my body is nothing.
The fact that it seems to have killed my heart while I wasn't even looking is
much worse.
Why can't I cry about this?
I'm going ... crazy.
I'm calling Scott. He won't be home - I'll take a walk. I just have to do
something
===
I left a message for Scott. I left. I came back in to fill up my water bottle for when I decided to walk. Phone was ringing - It was Scott.
He should wear a cape and get a cool superhero name for the save he made today.
I talked to him on the phone and paced the room like a caged tiger (and yes,
I used tiger on purpose from that psyche test where they represent pride). I
couldn't have been talking very rationally and I explained to Scott what was
going on. He told me to calm down. That was when I started bleeding. Nose bleed.
Not just one nostril; both. I told Scott I was going to have to free my hands
and I would call back if I got it to stop.
I lay on the floor with tissue up my nostrils. Breathing through my mouth and
swallowing blood.
"I feel like I should cry or something but I just don't feel it." I
remembered telling Scott on the phone.
"Not yet." He said quietly. "I think you need to calm down."
"Fuck! I'm bleeding." I lay on the floor thinking about it all. I
swallow a lot of blood and felt a swelling of sorts.
'What? Are you going to cry now?' I thought, and it went away. Maybe yet is
right ... but not right now.
One nostril stopped, the other was slow. I went back into the front room and
lay down with the phone. I hit redial, and talked to Scott again. He didn't have
anything to do for another couple of hours. I drove over and got him - we just
drove around aimlessly for two hours and talked. Didn't necessarily talk about
the situation, but we talked. Caught up over the past couple of months.
I'm a little worried about Scott - but he is a survivor.
He made me smile, and laugh. He didn't say everything would be okay - but it
would go on. Life isn't over.
I dropped him off at home, and he gave me a hug. I held on, and he didn't let
go. I thanked him, told him not to be a stranger. He works next to me now. I
might see him more.
I came home to write this.
I'm not resolved on all of my feelings yet. I'm still confused. I am a little
angry (and I don't know at who - me mostly I think).
I feel a little better. I'm really glad Scott was there for me. I don't know
what I would have done otherwise.
Walked until I fell from exhaustion probably.
I have another movie to watch. I am going to sit back and try not to think again.
Thinking has gotten me into so much trouble lately.
No tears ... just blood and chocolate.
Now that the shock has worn off - I have a couple of things to say.
Don't worry, this is the tight edit without the rants. *this journal will include the rants*
Your Pride is hurt that you don't inspire in me the same kind of passion that you have for me.
Basically this is because I didn't 'put out' Saturday night. Because I don't pop a boner and want to ravish you in bed ever time I see you? I can't disagree with these points, but I want to point out a couple of things.
That is not Love, it's Lust.
If all you wanted was sex - should have said so up front. I would have turned you down since I know that isn't what I want. I wanted a relationship. *If all I wanted was Sex, I'd start calling Zam more often. That is all our relationship was. We did things together as a formality. Sex was the begin and the end of it all.*
I guess I should be flattered, but I'm not. I guess I'm disappointed that I couldn't inspire within you something more then a hard on.
I still want to be friends. I don't want to give up on this - but I have to look at it from a completely different angle now.
Until next time.
MiSfI+ Bre+
I left out things that would seem aimed at guilt. I don't want him to feel
that way.
So I didn't say things like; I don't think I have been this hurt since
Jerry announced he was leaving me to marry the woman that introduced us.
I didn't get into the semi-name calling; Talking about how maybe I only
met him to prepare me for the next guy that does actually turn me on - that's
the cowards way out. He has no more idea of what I, let alone Fate, wants or has
in store for me. Let alone - How does this prepare me? Now I will doubt even the
most sincere sounding man!
Or that he was a liar for saying things like he doesn't put
out until the third date and Saturday night really only qualified as the second
date (qualifications for a date is time alone between the two of us).
I didn't get into calling me names; I guess I was just to dense not to
have picked up on the joking nature of such comments.
I didn't get into comparisons; I have fucked up so many relationships
with Sex. I wanted to start one without falling into bed on the first night.
With Devin and Greg it worked - except I never got to the bed. I was in love,
but it didn't matter - they didn't want the sex. At least I knew we would have
ended up there after a short time (and that sounds like guilt).
I didn't try to back up and explain; Zam was the only lover I've had that
I found completely attractive at every moment of every day that we were
together. And look how that turned out. I've always fallen in love first and
then the person seems more attractive to me. I think that is why I have such
diverse taste in men. Anything I see that reminds me of a past love is now an
attractive feature.
I didn't try to place any outside blame; I am on a drug with sexual
side-effects! I have been noticing that I am not turned on when I think I should
be, and I am when I have no reason to be. I was going to ask about this the next
time I went in, but it seems like it's more a contributing factor rather then a
cause.
I didn't tell him any of that - because for this moment in time; none of it
matters.
I wanted him to know how I felt and what I thought of his reasons. He knows.
The rest of this might be a discussion with a lover trying to work out a
difference in needs or desires. He made it clear to me that isn't what he is any
more. We can talk about it if he brings it up - but not until then.
My bloody nose really hasn't quit since yesterday. I'm really stuffed up, and
it's all blood every time I blow my nose.
I PIGGED on chocolate last night while watching 'The Brotherhood of the Wolf'. I
went to bed late.
Going to get some information together for my Story teller and get things ready for the game in Hays this weekend.
=== 16:10
I suppose this constitutes our first fight. I don't even know where to begin ... ICQ or E-mail. If at all.
I'm going to run some errands and then think about what I'm going to put here. The journal is for me, but it is also a public document. I have a very fine line to walk here.
=== 18:10
This could very well get deleted or hidden - but I have to put it down.
Before I even begin:
First, these are some hot and emotional words. Not the best side of people most
of the time.
Second, our friends have begun to step in. Something which I am not happy about
because I am not a 'he said, she said' drag people into the middle of our
problem kind of guy. But it does show me that they care, that we both seem to
have a good support system, and that we can work out this disagreement.
The more I think about it, the more I get pissed off. On the up side, this is a
good sign. If I didn't care - I wouldn't be mad.
I had just finished some game talk with the player that is teaching Gecko Babylonian. Here is that report; turned that in tonight and it will give you a good idea of the raw material used in the game - short cuts and all. I closed everything down, and then came back to the computer to print it (after I had filled out my State Job application and was ready to leave and run all these errands). There where three messages waiting for me in ICQ. I can only think that since the sound isn't hooked up right now, and the task bar hides - I missed them. Two of them just friends saying Hi. One was Rick.
Rick 10/10/20 3:07 PM Hey. You are SO totally off base. I don't give a damn that we didn't have sex Saturday
night....and maybe saying that my pride is hurt isn't the best way to put it, but what I'm upset about is that I really want to inspire passion - NOT NECESSARILY SEX - in the person I'm with.
Rick 10/10/20 3:08 PM I don't want to just be someone's companion, goddamn it. I want love and yeah, mad
passion. You obviously weren't feeling that for me...the sex (or lack of had nothing to do with it).
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:44 PM I just caught up to all this
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:44 PM I think you are wrong then. I just don't think
you know how to gauge my passion.
Rick 10/10/20 3:44 PM Hang on please....muchcalmer email coming
through in a sec.
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:45 PM guess I'd better open the e-mail then.
YOU ARE SO FUCKING FAR OFF BASE. Yeah, my pride is hurt (and I probably could've found a better way to say that - but my feelings are really hurting right now so fucking forgive me for not being more eloquent). I REALLY like you...I've been sitting around moping since Sunday wondering if maybe I couldn't be in a relationship wherein I knew the other person didn't feel as strongly for me as I did for them. I can't. And I shouldn't have to be. I THINK IT TOTALLY SUCKS that being with you makes me feel like I'm letting you down on some level. And that's how it's feeling. Like I'm not good enough for you. And goddamn it, I WAS up front with you. If I was just looking for a piece of ass then there are alot of other goddamn people that I could've just gone out and fucked. And, I think it totally sucks that the reason we're calling this off is because I don't "spark" you and how that makes me feel..and when I'm honest with you about it, you apparently sit around and rationalize it out to be something because we didn't fuck. THANKS. Thanks so much for further cheaping things for me. Yeah, I'm such a total fucking dumbass that I just wanted to fuck you and wasn't man enough to say so. Yeah, you're absolutely right, you must be right. Hell, it wasn't like I spent the last few days trying to understand why I feel so shitty. And, hey, it wasn't like I tried talking to you on the phone yesterday about it. And when we did talk, did I hear you say anything about me being wrong? No, you said that you didn't "want to let go of this yet" and that for you "sometimes the spark seems to come later". So what? I should sit around letting my feelings for you get more entangled with the awful way I feel about myself now while we wait to see if you can learn to fucking love me? Man...I do really like you, but if we're going to stay friends then goddamn it, you fucking need to learn a thing or two about me. I such a fucking loser...I cannot fucking believe that I was upset all night that I fucking upset you...I kept wanting to fucking call you and try anyway...even though it would really fuck me up in the long run. Anyway...this is becoming a pointless rant, so let me fucking end it. Thanks, again Bret.
Just reread this again.....goddamn it. You don't fucking understand me at all.
<copy of the letter I sent>
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:51 PM okay - I re-read and edit that letter to you a dozen times and considered not sending it. I know what it says.
I don't think you realize what you were saying on the phone. Because all I WAS getting from it was that you where so down about my not having sex that I obviously wasn't 'sparking' with you and thus you had to call it off.
BTW - *WE* didn't call this off. You did. I said I didn't want to give up on this, and your reply was that if we where friends then things could continue.
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:52 PM Just got the last e-mail
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:52 PM You obviously where paying attention to me then. You where all I have been talking about the last weeks.
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:52 PM You have touched a part of me that hasn't been touched in a long time.
Rick 10/10/20 3:53 PM (That last sentence? Not getting it)
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:53 PM I have no idea where your feelings are coming from and it makes me sad to think I'm the cause of it.
Rick 10/10/20 3:53 PM Not the very last one.
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:54 PM This spark you talk of - when we talked on the phone you made it sound like it had to be some sexual click - love at first sight or something
Rick 10/10/20 3:54 PM I am SO angry and mad right now because I feel stupid and pointless and I know it's a defense mechanism because my feelings are hurt, but GODDAMN it. I cannot believe that it got cheapened down to sex
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:54 PM I can't think of one time when I felt that.
Rick 10/10/20 3:55 PM I TRY to be clear. but not eveyrhthing is clear all the time and I apparently have done
a shitty job of being clear
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:55 PM That is exactly how I felt all day!
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:55 PM Okay - STOP Shitting on yourself!
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:55 PM We both need to calm down now.
Rick 10/10/20 3:55 PM I will talk to you later...I'm upsetg and dont want to say anythign unclear....I'm going
to go for a walk and then to the gym. I'.ll talk to you later.
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:55 PM No everyone (including me) is a wonderful communicator.
MISFIT 10/10/20 3:56 PM Okay - until later.
(This message was sent off line) MISFIT 10/10/20 3:57 PM ... I have obviously been doing a shitty job of this as well. For both our sakes, I hope we can work through this.
Well, I think you can tell how high the emotions where running - typing so fast we where responding to statements one or two lines back - spelling errors abound - worse yet (from my point of view) key words are missing (like 'You obviously where NOT paying attention to me then.') ... and that is just what I know from my side of it ... can't even begin to imagine what was happening on the other end of the line. I looked over his last e-mail and there were some things in there that set me off - but I stopped myself and wrote this instead;
I'm going to introduce one idea here - one that I am going to be thinking about in my reactions over this situation.
Zen mirror - it states that since you actually have no insight into another person, everything you think they 'feel' is actually coming from you. Thus the idea is to sit back and really think about how much being said about the other person is a reflection from you.
I'm not out to turn this around on you - or me. We have something to work out between US.
I have to figure out how much of this is my fault - or coming from me. I can't speak for your mind. We will have to talk about it.
The idea I wanted to get across here is that maybe everything about Sex is
coming from me - and maybe everything about the lack of passion is coming from
him. Since like I said, I can't talk or think for him, all I can do is think
about me.
So, how much of this disappointment about not having sex last Saturday is me?
I have no doubt quite a bit. I was disappointed in myself for
not just giving in. It didn't feel just right then - I've been over my reasons
in the journal. A lot of it was HIV related - my baggage about being poisonous.
I brought that up in our phone conversation, but he went right back to the
passion issue.
To me, passion does translate into sex, sexual acts, sexual feelings, sexual
desires.
I don't feel as passionate about him as I have with others. But he is a very
different person.
The way he tells me he wants to define passion - that I have. I have been
thinking about him just about every minute of the day. I look forward to hearing
his voice or any minute I get to see him. I smile when I think of him ... until
today ... but look how much of mind he's taken over in this respect also!
What bothers me know, is that I do have that kind of passion - yet he
isn't feeling it from me.
What am I doing wrong now?
One of our friends *T* the one that introduced us, was talking to me. He said
he just wanted to make sure that we were not blowing up over something stupid,
and wondered which of us set off the defense mechanism first.
"I don't care whose it was!" I told him. "I just want to work out
this disagreement for both of us."
"Well, at least you are thinking rationally about this." He comment.
"I'm talking rationally. I feel anything but rational." This is when I
told him I was not going to let Rick take all the blame for this. There are two
of us involved. It's when I also warned him not to get dragged into the middle
of this. I want the two of us to work it out.
My opinion ... Rick's defense mechanism went off.
Realistically ... My defenses are slow hidden fuses. I very well could have set
off this bomb.
Question is; can we find them, diffuse them, or at least navigate around them?
Honestly at this very moment - I have a very strong urge to just cut the rope
and run. I'm done.
Then I stop and remember how many times I have told my friends, in relationships
they take for granted, how stupid that is. One disagreement isn't the end of the
world.
*T* recommended to me, and said he would suggest to Rick, that we not talk
over the weekend and just get some perspective. I pointed out that by default
... that was going to happen. He's at work, and I will be in Hays for a game.
Trouble is, I'm already thinking about cheating on that ... I want him to know
how much I care.
He mentioned why should he wait around while I decide I'm in love with him. I
don't have to decide. I know I am. We have both been very protective of the use
of that word. Neither one of us has use it - though he implied it here.
It's the physical part I'm having trouble with. I can rationalize out a dozen
and a half reasons for it - and I couldn't say I agree with any of them. I just
don't know. I've tried to figure out if I put Rick into the body of Vin Deisel,
would it change anything?
I CAN'T SAY! Honestly - Don't know.
One last thing ... why the HELL did he have to bring up the sick and dieing
thing?
I'm trying to keep it as a separate issue ... but it's hard. He obviously is
thinking about it. I want to believe it was a culturally conditioned response to
the 'dream' of a married couple growing old together in sickness and in health -
not that he thinks it could happen tomorrow ...
*L* culturally conditioned response *L* my god I can rationalize anything and
make it sound good. Why can't I make my life work?
To much monkey mind and chatter in my head right now. I have to quit.
Are we mature enough to work this out? Wait and see, because I have no clue
about myself let alone him.
I couldn't keep away. I sent him an e-card.
It's animated, red letters on a black background that ends up saying "Lets sort out our differences" with a pulsing heart. Then I wrote.
- RickI've discovered two things over the past couple of days.
1) You occupy as much of my mind as you did before (which is a lot).
2) I don't like being mad at you.
We have some things to work out. I hope you are as open to a solution as I am. I figured I'd call you on Monday (I don't want to bother you at work with all of this).
Sincerely- Bret
I tell you what concerns me most right now, figuring out
why he didn't think I was as 'passionate' about him. I think about him all the
time, I smile at the thought of him, and long for the next time to see him. And
yet something made him think I didn't care - enough.
I have this scene in my head. We are talking, at his place.
"You want me to feel the same way about you that you do for me. I can't.
I'm not you and you are not me." I say.
"Nice line. Have you been rehearsing it long?" He replies.
"All day. Did it sound alright? Do you understand what I mean?"
"No." He says and we both smile about it - but continue talking.
At work everyone knew something was wrong yesterday. Some
of them even asked me about it. Today they noticed I was a little better. They
asked if I was okay.
"Yeah, we are fighting." I said.
"You mean you aren't fighting." She said.
"No, we are. Gives me hope for a solution to the problem." I replied.
Doesn't seem like it's been this long - but it has.
Saturday was the trip to Hays for a game. I got out of work late, stayed at
mom's a little longer then usual - found one of my passengers at my door coming
home; realized how late it was, and started driving.
No nap. I was fine on the way down. One of the other players is the Nos that I
am going for information; We worked on the request form Gecko had to fill out
(it will be with the reports soon - I have to look about 400 words up in foreign
languages ... because I want to).
The game was kind of bad for me. I had a good time while I was there, but Gecko
had a nothing night. He went to help kill Sabat; once in the fray he fired two
shots then was Dread Gazed and ran away. Fight was over before he came back. I
just couldn't win a challenge all night. Even as an NPC, I charged in, heard the
Voice of Madness, and ran away. Seems like that was all my characters could do.
The rest of the players killed off the Sabat problem for Hays. I was able to
warn my Gangrel Family about possible danger following me. Then came home.
The drive back was different. At 1am, I was feeling fine and alert. I was in
gaming mode - it was time to eat then go home, stay up to 4 or 6 am then go to
sleep. Village Inn was hit by the after bar crowd, we drove on. I started to
feel sleepy. We pulled over in Salina and ate at the truck stop. After eating -
I was really tired. I gave the keys to 'L' the only other person that could
drive a stick, and fell asleep in the back seat. I woke up as 'L' was pulling
over, because he was sleepy and was going to splash water on his face. I told
him I was good now, and took over. It was only another 20 miles or so to home.
We arrived at 6am. Except for that nap in the back, I had been up 24 hours. 'L'
crashed in the spare room. I made my bed and lay down. We slept until about
Noon, when one of the other passengers came to get 'L' for the Garou game.
Started working on looking up all the words (The request form no only gathers
information for them to start with - it includes a psych test to see how I think
so they have a better idea how to look - I adjusted the answers a little for the
character, sent the 400 word association into the Story Teller to see if there
where any quirks he wanted to pitch from the past ... then I'll turn it in.
Gecko would be able to do it about an hour, but it will be days for me to look
up 100 words in English, French, German, and Latin and the response words).
Called my Brother and talked to him a long time about what is going on with
Rick.
Today - day before inventory. New Manager.
Printer didn't want to work. Manager reset the computer while I was using it.
Items that should have been in the system, weren't.
I got out of work about an hour and a half late.
I went to get movies - thought about lunch but came home.
Called Rick. Got his answering machine. I'm hoping he will call back tonight.
Honestly I don't know what I'm going to do if he doesn't. ... until I wrote it,
the thought hadn't occurred to me.
Okay - I'm going to look up the 50 words in German then figure out dinner and watch one of the three movies I rented.
Okay, here's what's been going on.
Called Rick on Monday. We talked about everything BUT us. I did bring it up, and
he said he didn't want to talk about it (he'd had a rough weekend). I said okay
for now, but I wanted to talk about why he felt I didn't feel for him as much as
I actually do.
I'm in limbo right now. I'm coming to the conclusion that he doesn't want to
talk about it, because he gave up on it long ago. It takes two to make a
relationship, I can't do this by myself (and I've proven that with Devin and
Greg).
Tuesday was inventory. It was hell.
Had a bloody nose most of the day. Called the Doctor, asked if he wanted to see
me, or if I should call the Sinus specialist or the Blood specialist. He
suggested the Sinus specialist. He thinks it's the Nasonex. Asked me to lay off
for a week, use this medicated Vaseline to moisten things up and heal, then try
again.
I came home and looked up my 50 words in Latin. I realize I still haven't posted
stuff for Gecko. I think I will with this post - which I have debated and
debated and decided to include everything.
Barb and Dave came over and we watched 'Death to Smoochie' and talked. Because
of that, I didn't get the chance to call Rick - but he also didn't call me.
Today -
Received an E-mail from Scott. He sent me an old picture he found on one of his
servers of Ray.
I did the English part of the word association. Just realized I'm really going
to have to jump on this tomorrow so I can have it ready for the game this
weekend.
Ray dropped by to fix the loud fan on my computer. I showed him the picture and
asked - now I have a picture of Ray for the website.
Think I'm going to call Rick. Then sit down to watch the films I rented.
Time for a big upload.
If you are going to fuck things up, you may as well make
sure you do a damn good job of it.
I got Rick's answering machine the other night. I got an e-mail this morning. I
just responded to it.
To: "Rick"
Subject: Re: Hey
At 02:14 AM 10/17/2002 -0500, you wrote:
Hey.
Got home a couple of hours ago from *City* (went there for a BBQ with *friend*). Hope your day was good...I'm going to bed. Talk to you tomorrow.
Rick
"Always remember that you're Unique....just like everyone else." - Author Unknown
Hope you had a good time.
:)
Okay, now I'm done being sympathetic and supportive. It's time for me to talk.
I seem to express myself best at the keyboard. So, here I go because I can't let this rest any longer.
It's been one week apart at this time (you called on Wednesday - we 'argued' on Thursday). I can't take it any more.
I'm sorry I drew a sexual conclusion to what you had said - in my support, you said this was something that was on your mind directly following that. You spoke of passion and that is a word I have most often associated with sex. I was disappointed after that night as well - and I think it was because I didn't give in. Maybe you don't remember hearing it - but Wednesday we did talk about Saturday night, and I mentioned that I think I didn't give in because it is hard to consider the possibility of giving HIV to someone I really care about.
A little over a week together and that was probably the closest I came to actually saying I loved you - but I had been hurt before and you knew that. We both decided to be sparing and careful throwing that word around.
It didn't matter, you said we should call it off and be just friends; because you didn't feel passion from me. You didn't want to wait around for me to figure out I loved you.
I didn't have anything to figure out.
When next we talked, you didn't want to talk about it - because you had a bad weekend.
So did I. Wondering what the hell I had done wrong to make you think I didn't care. I mentioned that when we talked. I said that is what I wanted to know - so I could fix it. People express affection in different ways. What did you think was missing? Was it something I could change? What was I doing (or not doing) that made you think I didn't care?
I realize I have probably been a little distant. I've been hurt a lot. You knew that and we agreed to talk about these things. I can't get over 8 to 9 years of rejection in a week. Frankly, I thought I was doing very well. Obviously I was wrong. And truly I am sorry if the depth of my feelings didn't come across.
But we didn't talk about it. I wasn't given the chance to alter my behavior (or even consider altering my behavior). You backed out despite my desire to not give up on us and try to work it out.
It was my expression at the keyboard that at least for a moment brought you back into the conversation to tell me I couldn't be more wrong about you.
If you think I didn't care about you - love you - you couldn't have been more wrong about me.
I feel as if you think you are the only person being hurt by this decision you made. You were not. I was hurt a lot as well.
I also get the feeling that you have decided that being friends is what you really want. It would take two of us to fix this problem and move on. I don't feel like I'm getting any help from you. I can't do this on my own and I've proven twice before that the amount of love I have for someone isn't enough to make it work if they don't feel the same way.
Time keeps passing. We have been apart as long as we have been together.
We are just friends now. I don't have a choice.
You will have to excuse me however if I have to put you in the same lot of men that held out great promise to me and then for what ever reason - freaked and ran ... wanting to be just friends.
This letter isn't about trying to make you feel guilty. It's to let you know what I feel right now.
More then anything this letter to say to I'm sorry to you - for not being able to show you how I felt in a way you could understand, for being to cautious to trust, and to slow to open up.
I hope our friendship works out better for us both.
I almost signed it "Sincerely and with the last of
my Love", but thought better of it.
The letter is sincere, and is maybe sent with the last of the Love I have for
him ... truth is, love regenerates very fast. Every time I think I can't love
any more, I meet someone. With Rick at least he said he felt the same way -
until he backed out.
In his defense, I honestly don't think was anything related to HIV. Maybe more
toward commitment ... but now I'm starting to guess about his thoughts, and I
have no idea or right to put words or actions on him.
I have bills to pay and errands to run. I have to go before I depress myself any more.
CRAP!!!
I just ... don't know.
Subject: HeyHey.Okay, once more, it is late (and yeah, I have deliberately been on the move the past few days...) but I did not want you to think that I had not received your email today, nor considered it carefully. We obviously have some serious communication problems to work through, but I would like to be friends (if you still want too) and see where that goes...we obviously have to conquer that first. I have more to write, but, again, it's late and I'm off to bed (please don't mistake tiredness for apathy). I will either call you or drop you a line before I go to work tomorrow, okay? I hope that you have a good day and a great weekend.
Rick
Nothing has changed. I do still want to be friends. Friends is easy - nothing to conquer there. It's what I met you as, you changed the ground work after that. Now you want to go back.
Deliberately on the move only tells me that you have been avoiding this. That doesn't help any.
I await your call and hope I am home for it. This letter is just to warn you that I will be out running cash to certain bills hoping to prevent losing some things (Like car insurance). I will try to be home soon enough to receive, or return your call before you go to work.
I hope you have a good day and better weekend. Hope your new client is nice.
Work sucked. I'm really tired. I did tell the new manager
about my being HIV positive and that I do have health risk factors to take into
account (like I don't call in sick, I call from the hospital).
I drove across town to the bank to deposit the paycheck. Something I didn't get
done yesterday. After I forgot the checkbook and missed being able to pay the
car insurance I just sat over at Scott's and talked for about 2 hours.
Anyway, on the way to the bank, the fuel light came on. I have been driving on
fumes for a while now.
Deposit the check. Got my balance - WAY LOW!! The clerk printed out my account
information for me. $25 overdraft fees, several times.
Took my $30 to the gas station. Filled up the car. $15.50 is probably the most I
have ever had to put in there. Still haven't found a place that I can take my
car to for it's warranty obligations (will probably have to drive to Denver or
something for a dealer).
Drove to the insurance place and paid them.
Drove to the cable place and paid them.
Well, I'm broke now. Still have a car payment, phone, electric and medical bills
waiting to be paid. I'm screwed.
Came home to get the mail. I received my very Shitty test
results from Wichita.
Viral Load 144888
T-Cells 48
Platelets 5,000
I have critical flags on stuff I don't even know. WBC is 3.5 (low), Lymph% 16.3
(low), Mono% 17.9 (high), Eosinophil% 5.2 (high), Basophil% 2.0% (high),
Neutrophil# 2.0 (low) and lymph# 0.6 (low).
Since I'm not using the Nasonex right now, I have a
stuffy head. I am blowing all kinds of crap out of it. I have a headache.
No aspirin though, it thins the blood. Thought about taking a bottle of them and
then going over to Greg's for a drink (alcohol thins the blood also you know)
then he could see me drunk, I would make a pass at him and when he hit me I
could fall off something and begin internal bleeding and just die.
But that isn't the way I do things. I sit down to write. I check e-mail first though. Nothing from Rick, nothing on the phone either. I open this and then I get mail.
Subject: Re: HeyDeliberately on the move meant that I was avoiding that - nothing to hide there. Anyway, I got up late and I'm off to work in a few for a staff meeting before my shift. I'll call you tonight (I have a phone card). And for the record, stop sounding so defeatist all time. You keep making this all sound so "good guy/bad guy". Maybe that isn't what you intend (because God knows we apparently speak different languages when we're trying to express ourselves) and maybe I shouldn't take it that way. I don't know...anyway. I hope this finds you so that you do not sit by the phone all day and I'll talk to you tonight.
Rick
Why should he be the only one that gets to shit on himself here? All I want
to know is why he felt I didn't love him. Why he didn't feel the 'passion' he
couldn't stick around for. And he admits to avoiding this.
He isn't a bad guy - but I am not the one that ended this and I don't appear to
be getting any help resolving it. I've always been honest with him, but now we
speak different languages!?!
FUCK THIS! I sick of this shit.
He's going to call tonight while Barb is here. He'll want to leave me to my
guests and deal with it later. I'm not going to put this off.
I got something from the story teller. I'm underspent on my character audit. I can't believe it's been missed this long. He just wants to add more unknown negative traits.
Rick calling now.
----
Actually, that talk helped me out a little.
Bottom line. We felt different things.
He can't explain his feelings, or his actions. He does think that we should only
be friends until we can figure out how the other communicates.
I mentioned that I thought that was the best thing we had going. I thought we
did communicate. But I must have been wrong - because right now that is the last
thing we are really doing.
We both pretty much worked ourselves to a point where we had nothing more we
could say - and in only 20 minutes ... so much for the 3 hours that seemed like
10 minute conversations.
I told him - Bottom line: I can't deny what you felt. What I have to know right
now is do you want to work this out, or only stay friends.
His answer was to stay friends until we figure out how to communicate.
I've done this to many times before. I'm not holding on to the hope this
time. I'm not going to continue to be friends with the idea that it may develop
into more. I've done it for a week now - not any more. We can just be friends.
If he wants to change the ground work again, the first thing he will have to do
is ease the pain that he will do this again.
In the meantime, I'm a free soul again. Single.
One very free, single and lonely soul ... again.
I have to get out of the house for awhile. I have a movie to return.
No, I need to work on the word association thing. Channel it Bret ... focus on
the other things that make you happy like pretending you are someone else.
0210.20:02:15
"The more ancient the abuse, the more sacred it is." Voltaire.
Bruce declared War on the Anarchs. It was an interesting game.
After the game I went to the bar. I took 'K' there, and I was planning on going
because ricE was working.
I saw other people that I knew. I danced all night wondering why my friends were
talking to their friends and not me.
My pity party had begun.
I haven't felt this bad since I was on Sustiva.
I was happier then I have probably been in years. Only to be told that it wasn't
enough, and there is nothing I can say, he is gone. I've crashed hard.
I keep wondering if I will ever be enough for someone. Obviously there is
something wrong with me.
Perhaps it is time to realize that I am meant to be alone. I should just lock
myself away and do nothing. I'll wake up and go to work, then come home. Why do
anything else?
It costs money I don't have. I'm not going to meet anyone. If I do, they are
only going to leave me. Why not short hand the whole thing and just let them
leave? - before they meet me.
My friends give a shit, but that is all. They can't do anything about it, and
they are not the kind of relationship I'm looking for.
Fuck me, why can't I just die and get this over with?
Afterlife? Heaven is better then this, Hell can't be any worse.
Reincarnation? I think I've fucked this up enough, let me try again fresh.
Nothing? ... finally, some piece and quite. Nothing isn't a problem.
Maybe sleep will help.
I think tomorrow I will get out of the house ... or I may very well kill myself.
=== :11:30
Cleaning house. Hasn't been done in a long time. Worked for distracting
Scott, I guess I should try it.
Here at the computer to store the information on clips and scraps of paper
before throwing them away.
I feel lower then low.
I had to ask Mom for money last paycheck to keep things paid. Now I just had to
ask for 3 times that amount to do it again. I have a letter saying the power
bill is due today or they will shut me off. I have the car payment due in 2
days. I don't get paid again until Halloween and that has to go to rent.
I am not going anywhere or doing anything for the next 5 months. Not until I have everything paid off, and money in the savings account again.
I wrote Greg last night. Just an e-mail to say Hi. I would have called him, but I lost the number.
I don't feel like doing anything. I just want it all to end.
Do you think if I asked, Greg would kill me? I could say it would pay off any
debts he owes me.
Enough of that. I'm going to detail the last downtime report and post it, then start the new one.
I keep remembering the one guy that stopped me after the bar closed and asked
me what was wrong. I didn't really want to talk about it, but he was persistent.
"He left me, okay?" That was all the information I gave. Some Drag
Queen over drama kicked in as he sat down next to me and held my hand cooing 'oh
you poor baby'. If not for the melodrama of it all, I was kind of enjoying it.
Then he stood up.
"I would ask you out, but I don't think I'm your type. I'm too young."
He said walking off to join a crowd of his friends not even tilting an ear back
to hear me say,
"Age doesn't make a difference."
Our age difference is HIS excuse for not even wanting to ask me out. It has
nothing to do with his actual desires (he is repulsed by the old troll) or my
thoughts (which he didn't listen to). This was about him trying to be polite and
wanting to make someone feel better most likely because my presents was bringing
him down.
Maybe I have put to much of my self worth into the idea that someone should
love me. I think I always have. And since I haven't been able to get anyone to
love me without lying the past ten years ... I have only one conclusion to draw:
I am unlovable.
What pisses me off that much more is that no one will even have the balls to
tell me what I'm doing wrong so that I can try to alter my behavior. They just
walk away.
The rest of this is going to be Halloween plotting - I'll have to hold on to for awhile.
-0-
So, here is what I sent to Greg a couple of days ago.
To: tang
Subject: Just a hello
Was going to call and say hi just because - but I've lost the number.
Heard you are playing paint ball now. If you need some extra ammo I have the stuff from my blow gun. If you want them let me know. they are just collecting dust in my room.
Hope things are well.
Talk to you later
Here's what he wrote me back today.
hi
To: "Bret Turner" <1misfit@cox.net>
Subject: Re: Just a hello
yah i was paintballing yesterday well when u wrote this i was on the field getting slaughter and doing some slaughtering had a blast
im kinda funning looking right now little red/purple bruses all over me in the shape of paintballs
and other than that i got barbwired acrost my legs
fricking tall grass hideing barbwire felt, lucky last nite when i saw how close it was to my "area" but i blew 1000 paintballs with my paintball gun lot of paint but it was 7 hours out there and everone else blew though about 900 so i felt kinda normal for the paint usage it made some funny inside jokes though i was using white balls with white paint so i got to make fun of all the faceshots saying things like " daddy loves your now clean your mask off" my friend Greg1 he got slaugher bad, me and him started teaming up on people and winning saying that we had the power of Greg on our side. just funny for us i gess who knows
well hope u are doing good and if u want to do something saterday give me a ring or email
till later
Greg
Well, I'm glad he had fun. I could have done without all the sexual references.
Just made me want to be there.
Saturday ... Well, that is the night of Rick's party.
I was thinking of not going since I'm pretty sure that Scott and IGF are going
to blow me off and say no. I didn't want to be the only one there - alone in a
corner again. I'm not sure I can still talk to Rick without sounding bitter. But
what the hell am I supposed to say? "Gee, I'm so glad we are friends now. I
hope I can make you feel loved enough at least keep that up. By the way, what
was it I was doing that wasn't making you feel loved? Oh, that's right, you
don't know. I guess if you run away again I'll just have to figure out what I
did to piss you off."
Yeah, that will go over like a lead balloon.
Rick always said he wanted to met Devin and Greg. Well, I could get him to meet
Greg. I could fall back into the arms of my Last ... I don't know what to call
Greg. He certainly wasn't my lover or my friend.
I doubt that it would make Rick jealous or anything for that matter. Not that I
really want him to be ... maybe I do.
Oh, he just called. Damn ... I was in the bathroom or something. Not like he
could have talked long - he said he was getting ready to leave for a job
interview and just wanted to say 'hi'.
I'll have to e-mail him for directions to the party. I still kind of want to go.
Maybe I could met someone else there. I need to get my stuff back from him and
return his tape.
Thought about taking Greg along just because my life can't get any worse. I
may as well take him to a party and let him get really drunk and then clean up
after him while he teases me. There is a girl invited that I know he likes, he
might actually get laid. Maybe I'd have to watch *joy*.
Thought about inviting him by telling him about the girl he likes just to see if
he gets excited about the chance. Then standing him up or even just going
without him.
Problem is, I'm just not like that.
I think I am going to invite him. If he turns me down, I'll be surprised
(which could very well happen - Greg has never been predictable except for the
fact that what ever he does will make me miserable). If he goes, at least I went
with someone. At least I got out. At least I fucking tried -
Who am I kidding, this isn't trying. None of what I have been talking about is.
Greg (at least claims) he is trying to be friends. He has Saturday free. I
have an invitation to a party. There isn't a game. I have nothing better to do.
Maybe having Greg around Rick would show me ... I don't know - show me
something.
... Sagittarius and Aries ... Great, maybe the two of them will really hit it
off and they could sleep with each other.
Maybe they will hate each other and I could try to break up the fight and get myself killed.
AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!
To: tang
Subject: Re: Just a hello
Glad you had fun. I take it you were at 'Drop Zone'? (you know some friends of mine started that place).
I would give you a ring - but seriously ... I lost the number.
Saturday - I actually have an invitation to a party in Lawrence. I am able to invite others if you would like to go. It wouldn't be complete strangers - evidently many of the Cammies that are not at ICC have been invited and might show up. I know that Nathaniel invited Alicia (sp?), Gwen and Kenny.
Anyhow, if you are interested in going, I'd be happy to take you along. If you aren't interested and have a different suggestion of something to do - I'm all ears. ... Just show up for what ever it is you decide to do with me this time.
Hope to talk to you soon.
MiSfI+ L8+r
So what are you going to be for Halloween? A bitter manipulative bitch?
No, if I can buy the fabric for less then the $4 I have in my wallet ... I'll be
a superhero who's costume is based on the AIDS Red Ribbon.
*L* You will be going out as the symbol for compassion?
Yeah, well maybe after 20 years of abuse he isn't quite as compassionate as he
used to be.
Ah, the hero defeated.
Not what I intended, but might just have to be. Anyway, it's a sharp looking
idea ... at least the way I have it pictured in my head. Maybe if I go as a hero
I'll act like one.
To: Rick
Subject: Sorry I missed you.
I was in the bathroom and couldn't make it back in time.
Yeah, I'm gay - but I screen calls because I hate salesmen and bill collectors.
I didn't call back because you said you where headed out for a job interview. Hope that went well.
Hey, could I get some directions to the party this weekend? I'm trying to save up the gas money and plan to be there (and if I'm lucky bring a couple of guests along as well). I'm not a 100% show, but close to 75% at this point.
Hope to see you soon.
MiSfI+ L8+r
PS - I'll put your Tape in the car so I don't forget it. Remind me when I'm there and I'll get it out for you.
Are you being mindful of your actions?
I am trying. I really am.
Are you being mindful of your emotions?
I have no control over them.
I didn't ask if you had control of them, I asked if you where mindful of them.
If you mean aware of them, yes, I am. If you mean 'am I acting appropriately' to
them and my environment? I don't know.
I don't want to be bitter, mean, mistrustful, or hurt. But I am.
I don't want to lash out or pull myself into a situation that might be more damaging
to me ... but I could be.
I do not know if I am acting appropriately - or even wisely. But that is the
decision I have to make at every moment of the day.
I have been distracted. Maybe things will work out.
the phone is ###-####
To: "Bret Turner" <1misfit@cox.net>
Subject: Re: Just a hello
and that sounds like fun, the only thing is i need to be home buy like 4am because i got to meet up with *Freinds* on sunday at noonish before i go to work at 4'
the place i went paintballing at is called the paint f.a.k.k. if u take 6 out to larance u see teasers (a stip club) its about a mile behind that.
--till later
Tang
Greg
To: "Bret Turner" <1misfit@cox.net>
Subject: Re: PS party
damit cant find a monky outfit
wanted to be a flying monkey from oz whats more evil than that
ps the witch is just a fall man
gess just a devil lawer till i figure out someting newtang
To: tang
Subject: Re: PS party
If you are serious about making this work, It could happen pretty easy and cheap.
Look for anything costume related to Planet of the Apes a decent mask wouldn't cost much at say Hypermart. Masks would be difficult to eat, drink and socialize through, but make-up is cheap and I could put it on for you if you like. I'll look up some monkey designs (might even have a lot of the make-up spare in the back, I'll check). The only other thing you would really have to look for would be a fezz (the hat) - they can't be much and if you can't find one, the felt and glue at the local fabric store would probably be under $5 and we could make one.
L8+r
I doubt it would be hard to get back home by 4am. The only difficulty I can
see is if Greg gets drunk, happy and or lucky, and doesn't want to leave. Not my
fault.
I spent just under $3 for some fabric. I think I can get this to work almost as
good as I imagined it. Time to go through the closet and look for some black
clothes.
== 18:00
Damn near the most social my house has been in years.
I got on the net to find patterns for monkey faces. Not as easy as I thought.
But I found some things that get me close enough to make it work. Now all I have
to do is find out if he really wants to try it and see if I have the make-up.
While I was doing that Melissa came by. We talked for a couple of hours. Just as
she was leaving, the phone rang. It was Mike. I haven't talked to him in months,
so we talked for about an hour. Then there was scratching at the door. It was
Scott. We talked for about an hour and made plans to maybe see a movie Friday if
he hasn't started working before then. He might still be able to talk IGF into
the Lawrence party.
Time for popcorn and a movie. It was $1 day. I got two (and cleaned my wallet out completely) but it filled the card so I have a free rental when I go back.
Then maybe I'll begin some work on my costume.
To: "Bret Turner" <1misfit@cox.net>
Subject: Re: PS party
what are u doing today/tommarow
thursdayif u want to get together i have it off all i need to do tommarow is get my brothers paintball mask and gun back to him
and the rest of the day is free and i get paid at 5 to 6 ish so i have 40 bucks till that point we could get some lunch and make find a custome
call if it sounds like fun
if not i have friday morning open till 4 when i have to go to work or saterday morning
greg
I guess I get to make a monkey out of Greg *L*
=== 19:30
Called him after I made the entry. Picked him up about 1ish. I actually had a pretty good time. He bought me lunch at McDonalds and we came back here and watched "Gen-Y Cops" that I had rented (cheezy good fun film). Then we went looking for Monkey things. We had pretty much decided on the make-up option until we found a great monkey mask (at a place that said they didn't have any - it pays to look around). It fit him perfect and would only require a little black make-up around the eyes - it's a half mask so he can still talk, eat, drink ... and it comes off easy if he gets tired of it. The hard part was finding a fezz. We are waiting to hear back from the Shriner's at this point - but have a back-up narrow rimed top hat. I took him to Good Will where he found the clothes he wants to wear. He went a bit of a different direction then I would have - but it is his costume, and I think it will look great. He's already trying to figure out which granola bars will squish up well so he can eat and fling poo ...
Anyway, he's supposed to drop by tomorrow so he can get the hat (which ever one he decides on). I took him to get some dinner (which he offered to get me some also - but I told him I'm trying to lose weight and I don't eat more then twice a day now). He just didn't 'Want to be a jerk and eat in front of you'. His paycheck hadn't come in yet, so he didn't really have the money - and he got it to go and I took him home so he wasn't eating in front of me.
I need to get a little work done on my costume before bed.
I just remembered Scott is supposed to come by tomorrow for a movie. Hope I can get all of this squeezed in. If anything, Greg falls to the side. I spent the day with him today (and though I had a great time - he ends up hurting me somewhere along the line the longer he's around) and I haven't really seen Scott much in the past few months.
I didn't get my note in on time for the new manager ... I'm working on Halloween ... again. I've talked it over with the lemme - I had a few things I could hold over him - Superhero out to help HIV/AIDS persons. He kind of has to help me.
Anyway ... Little bit of cut and paste before bed.
After I wrote last night, I called Greg and told him about my plans with Scott. He understood. Figured if he couldn't get someone else to give him a ride over for the hat today, then we could get it before we left town on Saturday.
Now I'm sitting here wondering where Scott is.
I'm not alone on this one. He told me if he hadn't called to tell me he was
working, I should call him if he wasn't here by one.
It was a rough day at work. I got home at 12:40. I changed clothes, checked
messages and called him at 1:10. I caught IGF at home, and she didn't know where
he was either. Thought maybe he had an interview. I left a message on his cell.
Now I just sit.
There is one other thought going through my head now. It's about Greg.
I had a good time yesterday. Except for all his joking around about
spit-roasting someone, if I told him to stop he did. He bought me lunch. We
found pretty much everything he's going to need for his costume. I'm actually
looking forward to going to the party with him (he's even mentioned leaving a
little early so we could eat at Buffalo Bob's).
Now I feel like crap.
Reason for that is, I had a good time with someone I know really hurt me (and at
times seemed to go out of his way to hurt me). I just keep wondering if he
really has changed - or if I'm about to be hurt again.
The occasional stray thought of sex with him still crosses my mind. But that is
all me - it isn't like he is provoking it or even alluding to it. At least
yesterday he seemed to be very respectful of my feelings.
It almost makes me wonder why it didn't work before.
It's been crossing my mind to ask him about it. I doubt he will answer, but
it's been long enough maybe he could. I've been wanting to ask him like this
though,
"So, why didn't it work out that you really did want to date me? What is
wrong with me; since you and several others have all just run away from me? I
just want to know so that I can try to fix what ever it is so the next guy won't
make advances only to get close enough to decide that I'm not worth even a
good-bye as he leaves and 'just wants to be friends'."
It's the wrong way to go about it. Especially since I'm sure that Greg will tell
me there is nothing wrong with me. It's the same thing that he did to start this
whole thing between us.
It seems to me that what people are doing ... is that they realize how lonely I
am and they just want to make me feel better. So they ask me out - just so they
can say 'See, I asked you out.' then do the cut and run because all they wanted
was to knock out the whining about "I'm never even asked out".
Everyone claims it isn't the HIV.
Fine. I have to take them at their word.
But then I have to look at the evidence before me. I'm told I'm not ugly. I'm
told I'm a great person to be around. Everyone wants to be friends with me. No
one wants to be romantically involved with me.
WHAT MAKES ME ROMANTICALLY UNATTRACTIVE???
Staring at the screen. I'm tired of trying to figure it out.
I keep hearing "Well, it's their loss." from others. If that is the
case, then why am I the only one that is unhappy and alone?
If I'm such a great loss to anyone not willing to 'love' me - then why don't
they come back rather then moving on to another? It isn't as if I have so many
people standing in line to date me that they couldn't try again.
|
FUCK!! |
Scott never showed up or called. I just sat back and worked on the Dark Past Journals a little then watched 'Firefly' and 'John Doe'. I'm really liking John Doe.
Brian (T) called, and we talked for about a half hour before I got to tired.
Work started off bad and ended well.
Had lunch with mom, took a nap, then met up with the son of someone my Dad works with, who was doing a paper on HIV/AIDS. She joined us later and also asked a lot of questions. It was really nice. Took about an hour.
Checked the mail. Finally got my copy of 'Twilight of the Golds'. I've been
waiting it seems forever. Maybe I'll watch it tomorrow.
Also got a thank you letter from TAP for the talk I did at their volunteer
orientation. In the PS, the asked what I was going to be for Halloween
... ;)
I think I'm going back to bed for awhile ... first just a little bit of costume work - then back to the nap so I can stay up late.
I keep asking myself why I'm going to this party. I just don't know if I can
talk to Rick without sounding bitter. I'm subjecting myself to a night with Greg
and alcohol. Nobody else I've invited is going ... and I wonder if I'm really
going to know anyone else there.
I keep telling myself that maybe I'll met someone new ... someone that won't
hurt me and is romantically inclined ... then I laugh at myself for getting my
hopes up on something like that.
I think Captain Compassion has his work cut out for him.
 |
It's just some damaged self
esteem! |
|
| Oh god, he's a boy scout hero. One of the Ultra good guys. What have I gotten myself into? |
0210.27:04:00
So much happened at this party - and I can't go into it now. I'm just about
sick from staying up so long.
Greg and I talked a lot tonight. I think we kind of had a breakthrough (I just
wish it wouldn't have taken so much ... drama ... to happen). I mean, we really
talked tonight. For the first time he actually admit to me that he was straight.
I've already talked to him about all my concerns about how much of this was all
from alcohol - but honestly for the first time tonight we talked like friends.
Rick and I actually talked for a short time as well. He was cautious about what
he said, because of the alcohol. But we laid the ground work for future
conversation.
I am about to pass out, or be sick from staying up this late. I'll fix the
clocks tomorrow. I'll take my medication early and just collapse.
==== 08:26
So I lay down and thought about the drama of the night - a fictional scene at a bar goes through my head and then I suddenly found myself seeking consolation in Greg's arms. I cried for a brief moment before falling asleep. Just long enough to choke on a sob and have the tear run down my nose and hit the pillow. I said 'fuck' and was out like a light ... for about two hours.
Then I toss and turn in bed. I'm still tired, but I can't sleep - so I came here to talk about drama and my feelings to hopefully put my mind at rest.
I have to begin by saying this is my side of things. I'm not here to drag anyone through the dirt or talk about things that are private or spoken to me in confidence. I'm here to talk about the things that happened and how I react to them.
I went to the party. Greg went with me. I didn't get the next two hour nap. I
called Greg to let him know what I was doing and he told he hadn't gotten that
hat yet. I told him to call and find out when the place closed. It was in an
hour. So I got ready and went over then. They had sold out of the hat, but now I
had just enough allowance from Mom to maybe get a few details for my costume. We
shopped again. We found another place with his hat. He found me cheap safety
goggles, and I borrowed some latex gloves from work when I bought safety pins.
The whole time, talking like friends. I have to admit, it was making me fall for
him again only a little different. It seemed like he was being honest and
upfront and it was becoming a love like I have for Scott. Someone that I know
cares for me a lot, but isn't sexually interested. It was like I was
rediscovering all the things that I really liked about Greg in the beginning.
The half hour car ride to Lawrence was pleasurable, and I was really beginning
to appreciate the fact that of all the friends I had invited to this party (that
I thought might actually help me through any awkward moments) Greg was the only
one that said yes, and actually come through this time without standing me up.
Got to the party and saw Rick. Dressed as Janet Reno. I said hello and gave him
a hug as Greg was getting his monkey on *L*. Greg joined us and I made a quick
round of introductions for the few people that I knew. I then went upstairs to a
bathroom and pinned my Ribbon on. I came down and began to enjoy the party.
Talked to Greg a little and let him get back to the drinking and meeting people.
I ran into a few of the other Cammies and met a couple of new people. I was
dancing in the living room for a while.
I went to look for Greg. I just felt like a little conversation and checking up to make sure he was having a good time. I couldn't find him. I looked around for Rick thinking maybe we could talk a little and it wouldn't seem as if I was avoiding him. I couldn't find him either. I found out from someone else Rick and Greg had left the party to visit another party - they should be back soon.
I wrote about that fear.
What was truly yanking my chain on this - it's typical inconsiderate behavior of
Greg's to not let me know he was leaving and would be back.
I have to say one of the other things that bit at me was that I wasn't invited
to go along.
Time passed. I began to wonder if they really were coming back. I knew my mood
was going south and I didn't want to bring the rest of the party down or have
some other drunk doting over me trying to figure out why I wasn't happy.
I left the party and went for a walk. I was in costume. I couldn't get very far.
While I was out there I half figured that if all I was is a ride to a party for
Greg - and now he had a new ride and a new party - I should just leave and let
him figure out which person would give him a ride home. I couldn't do that
though - I'm just not that kind of person.
Evidently they drove past me - didn't shout out or anything, just noticed I
wasn't at the party. By the time I realized I couldn't really leave the apartment
complex in this costume, I went back. I found Greg and Rick talking. Well, at
least they were back. Figured I would just leave them alone to compare notes on
what a lousy relationship I am. As I walked past, Greg asked me for a hug.
I was so fucking pissed I didn't know what to do. I walked over, bumped
chests and gave him a slap on the back and walked away.
He didn't let me go. He stopped me, tilted his monkey head and asked me what was
wrong.
I went off and told him I didn't appreciate being left here without even a tap
on the shoulder to say "I'll be right back." He said he was sorry and
I told him that was bullshit because he does stuff like this all the time.
We talked, and I didn't get over being completely pissed off, but I understood
what had happened - and I gave him a real hug.
Later Rick stormed outside. Greg came and sat down next to me on a couch. I
asked if he knew why Rick was upset (they were after all hitting it off like
best friends). Greg then told me that he didn't really know, but he had been
talking to him about me.
Folks, I just about lost it again.
I went ahead and brought up that he had no real right to do that and to consider
how it feels for me to basically have to "ex's" talking to each other
about me.
Five things happened on that couch.
1) "I swear all we did was talk." Greg said - like I had assumed
something more. Which until that moment I hadn't. I told Greg once again that their
talking was actually my biggest fear!
2) Greg admitted to me he was straight for the first time. I congratulate him on
figuring out something I had figured out a long time ago. This part of the
conversation was brief since it was followed shortly after by,
3) "I was telling Rick about that, and that was when he asked about how I
kissed and I told him to find out."
Fucking fantastic! All they did was talk, and kiss. Bottom line - As Greg told
me this it was perfectly clear that Greg said he was straight and not
interested. I know that Rick kisses everyone - he just doesn't put that much
into a kiss ... it's a party game. (in fact it was a humorous story earlier on
when we where actually dating. He had a female friend come over and congratulate
him on having a new boyfriend. Then she asked if they could still kiss. Rick
said he started to get all indignant and couldn't believe his friend was so
ignorant. "You can't catch HIV from kissing." he said. She looked at
him funny, hit him, and said, "I know that silly. I mean you have a
boyfriend, is he going to mind if we kiss?" He felt silly and relate the
story to me as a way to bring up the subject. We talked about it. I told him I
didn't mind if he kissed girls. As long as I'm secure in the relationship, I
don't mind if he kisses boys - but I would tell him if I thought something else
was going on.) It was very evident to me that this wasn't a
session of them making out. However (and I talked to both Rick and Greg about
this later) it really bothers me that in one night Rick scored something I have
been denied for (what? how long now? almost two years?)
4) Greg and I really talked again on that couch. We covered a lot of ground. One
of which is that it seemed to be a mission with Greg to try and repair what Rick
and I had so that I would be happy again - and thus he would be happy for
helping out his friend. I told him in NO uncertain terms that this was not his
job - it was Rick's and mine. We discussed and defined a lot of feelings on that
couch and talked about a lot of things (even his mentioning 'Speedway Junkie'
and the reasons he wanted me to watch it and my shooting down a lot of his
inconsideration for that plot vs. the message he wanted to portray). Greg and I
talked about how he could be my friend and contribute to my happiness without interfering
in my life or the lives of others. This was something we picked up again on the
ride home.
5) It was getting cold. I was now very worked up. I began to shiver - and I
couldn't stop. I was making myself sick.
Rodger was there, he sat down next to me after Greg left, and damn near seemed
to think it was funny how worked up I was. I left the couch and sought warmer
spots.
There was an upstairs. Heat rises. It was much warmer there. I stopped
shivering, but now it was late enough that tired was kicking in and my stomach
was getting sick.
People kept coming by and asking me why I was hiding. I wasn't hiding. I was
trying not to get sick. I actually sent someone to find Greg for me. I told him
what was going on and asked if he would be very upset if we left. He was having
fun and didn't want to leave, but understood. He offered me his coat (it was in
the car) so I could keep warm. I turned him down at that point. I told him I
would try to last as long as possible so he could continue his fun.
Several of Rick's friends walked by and talked to me. Most common comment,
"Rick really liked you, you know." To which I had to respond,
"I know. Problem is, he doesn't like me now."
After a while I began to wonder how much of this might be Rick trying to work
through a middle man. I talked to someone else that mentioned that Rick liked me
(still past tense), and that I shouldn't be hiding up here. I told them I wasn't hiding and that
it seemed as if a lot of third party information would be that I was avoiding
him. I asked them to go and explain to him that I wasn't, and that if he wanted
to talk I would be here.
I had to pee. That was downstairs in the cold. I went down, and it was occupied.
I went to the car and got Greg's coat. I stood in the line, I peed, and then
wandered the party for awhile. I ran into Rick. I gave him a hug and told him it
was a great party. He asked me to follow him. We went upstairs (ah, warmer) and
went into one of the rooms and talked.
He told me he didn't really want to talk now because of the alcohol but he
didn't want me to think he was avoiding me. I told him how I almost didn't come
to the party because I wasn't sure if I could talk to him without sounding
bitter and that isn't what I wanted him to think. I am hurt, but I will get
better and I think he is right, we should still be friends.
We rehashed a lot of the things we had already talked about. Bottom line - we
felt different things. Maybe what I felt just wasn't enough for him. We do want
to remain friends. We talked about how or where it might have been that our
communication broke down. I told him that I thought we were communicating just
fine - until the day he called and broke up with me. It was only at that moment
I began to doubt anything he had said before, or since. Nothing I've said
changed. I will still be as up front and honest as I possibly can be. I really
do believe he was trying to do the same. But somewhere, he made a decision to
get out of this relationship and I wasn't given a chance to fix anything (which
he agreed. He had decided on his course of action before he called. I wasn't
given a say or a choice). I feel
cheated out of the chance of not only my happiness, but the effort to be a part
of his.
It was at this point I had to ask him if Greg was a good kisser or not. (What?
The curiosity has been killing me since I asked Greg so long ago. On the car ride home we talked
about how he turned me down. He asked me if he was wrong in saying that I would
have put to much into it. I told him I couldn't answer that. I asked because I
was curious. I don't think I would have, but look at everything I have done
since then. I was hurt in the way he turned me down - that I have held onto that
more
then anything else. Basically it made me feel alienated and it was probably the beginning
of the bad turns in our relationship).
Rick had good praise of Greg's kissing abilities. It was then that I explained
to him I realized it wasn't something big for him, but why it bothered me.
I repeat this for Greg on the ride home.
I felt like I had been cheated twice. Not only was I denied a relationship with
Rick, I was denied one with Greg. And now, I was being shown that things I
wanted from both of them - they could freely give to each other ... but not me.
One thing came up on both conversations with Rick and Greg. It came up
differently, but the idea was the same.
I think to much. That seems to be what drove them both away.
When Greg brought it up, he said it was something that Rick had mentioned - and
then compared it to when I placed labels like Pity on everything he did.
I was very clear with Greg that I know that was a mistake I made. I have tried
very hard to correct it with him. And I told him that it was something I was
making a concerted effort not to do and be honest with about Rick from the very beginning.
I tried not to analyze anything Rick did. Any thing I was thinking about was
what I was doing and why. I think because of that I made big leaps in my ability
to open up to him and just enjoy the moment. I felt more for him then I have
with anyone for a long time. I may have felt more for Devin or Greg - but they
didn't feel for me. I shut them out because of that a lot. With Rick, he was
there and I let myself be open to him. I tried very hard not to shut him out and
tear down anything in me that was preventing it (Especially that bit with not
being that physically attracted to him - but we didn't have a lot of physical
time together either for me to endear his body).
That is why it hurts so much.
Rick wants to meet up later this week and talk while he is sober. I said that I think it would be good.
I wander around the party some more. I noticed the time, and my weariness. I
told Greg it was time to leave. (It was 3am, he wanted to be home by 4am - I was
intentionally not figuring in Daylight savings time.)
We left and we talked a lot on the car ride home. Things about him as well as
me. It was then that I really felt like he considered me a friend again. Someone
he could talk to. I warned him I think a lot of it might be the alcohol, but it was
a start.
The kiss still bothers me.
The fictional scene at the bar was someone turning me down ... again. Some
comment actually being made about how it wouldn't be worth the emotional effort
to date someone that will die from AIDS.
I found myself near Greg in this little dream. He came up and asked me what was
wrong. I hugged him and started to cry and he just held me. I then looked up at
him and asked for a kiss.
"I can't promise that I won't put to much into it, Greg. But right now as a
friend I just need something to prove that I'm not poisonous and I really am
worth loving."
I never got an answer to that question before I started to cry ... like I'm doing now.
== 10:30
I fell out my chair and just cried on the floor. Been crying now for about a
half hour or more.
I wanted to call someone so bad, just to be here and comfort me ... and I had to
debate on who and knock them all down.
Not Greg ... he can't stand tears he wouldn't know what to do - besides he's almost to close to the issue right now. And I would have to drive over and get him after waking him up from his hang over.
Not Ray ... I don't even know why. It's fucking 10am on a Sunday morning and I don't want to have to wake him up to watch me cry and not have anything to say.
Not Scott ... why not Scott? ... He's cried on my shoulder before, but I don't want to have to worry him or make him think this all Greg's fault or to drive over here probably after waking him up at 10am on Sunday morning.
Mom? ... hell no ... we'd both be here crying and solving absolutely nothing.
Rick? I'm not ready to be that vulnerable to him again. To close to the problem also.
Jason? Griffin? Mike? what can they do in other cities?
.... I'm still crying by the way ... about choked twice ...
I really almost had my hand on the phone to try Scott. Then I blew my nose
and tried to pull myself together for the call. Blood in the Kleenex.
I can't call anyone. I don't want to be alone right now - but I can't cry
on someone's shoulder and bleed on them!
I started to cry all over again.
First about what I wrote. Then about being alone. Then about who to call. Then
about the blood.
I can't see to type .... I CAN'T EVEN POUR MY HEART OUT HERE NOW!
all new cry coming on ...
god, I'm glad I'm hanging onto this till the end of the month
it bugs me that even in the midst of each cry when I pull myself together for a
moment that I come over here and press 'save' - as if this is that important or
that the by saving this ... it might save me.
my eyes hurt, like I' have eyelashes turned under or something.
I'm afraid if I don't call someone, I'm just going to cry all day
=== 11:20
I think I'm done now. Pulled myself together for a phone call, then hung up on the answering machine.
I think I'm going to take a shower and clean up.
I would take myself to a movie or something - but I gave Greg my last $4 to
cover me at Buffalo Bob's after gas and Halloween accessories.
I'm poor till payday ... which happens to be Halloween.
About an hour and half of crying. You'd think I'd feel better.
Want to mention one other thing. Greg needed to eat again. We stopped at
Denny's before I took him home. I almost got sick there trying to eat an English
muffin. He was concerned, and I told him not to worry.
When I dropped him at home, I made sure he had everything out of the car. He
looked at me, and I knew he wanted a hug. I told him I would meet him in front
of the car. It was a nice long hug, and I thanked him for talking honestly with
me, and being a friend. I then also warned him,
"No surprises if you go to the web page. Because of Halloween, it won't but
up until the end of the month. But I was depressed, and in there I talked down
on myself and I talked about trying to convince you to kill me. I'm over that
now, but I just wanted to warn you." He hugged me again and said,
"It would never happen."
I should talk to him some more about 'Speedway Junkie'.
Made it through that without crying. Maybe I am done for now.
Honestly, I still love Greg. I can't stop. I really do think we made a lot of progress last night to fixing some of our problems and really being friends. I also have to admit that right now, just knowing I've opened myself up to that - I feel very vulnerable.
Hope I don't get hurt again. I'm really not sure if I can take it.
One day at a time, Bret ... one second at a time. Stop thinking.
=== 19:15
I'll be alright.
I always am.
It's a given.
Don't worry.
I remember saying a lot of that over the past few days.
I've stayed alone today.
I've tried to get a hold of some people. I haven't had a lot of response.
Mother knows I'm tired, grouchy and I don't want to talk about it to her.
Right now, I have no idea who I do want to talk to about it ... no one seems
right.
Thus, I have stayed alone today.
... and it bothers me.
I have been using a lot of things up. I just used the last of some spices on a frozen pizza. Things at work are running out, verge of broken etc. I think a lot of things are running parallel for me.
I fell asleep again for a couple of hours. I woke up when the phone rang. I
had great hope that it was someone that I could talk to.
It was Rick.
He was just saying hi. Let me know about some of the other Drama's at the party
(but I guess he felt he knew enough about mine). One of those things was that he
hurt his ankle. He's on crutches.
It was a very light, and short conversation since he was at work. He said he
would call me later and let me know what his week was going to be like so we
could get together and talk - give each other back a few things.
Just going to watch TV ... and eat ... wonder ... stop it.
I'm kind of back to just wishing it would all end. Kind of different then before
though.
Hard to explain - so I'm not going to try.
Keep wondering about something Greg said.
I need an attitude adjustment. ... that was the but at the end of a long line of
praise.
It's still the closest I've come to having someone help me figure out what is
wrong with me - what makes me romantically undesirable.
I really hope we can keep talking.
I really hope I'm not trying to turn Greg into my next savior ... again.
I have also had the serious desire to go to the arcade. Fortunately I don't have any money. I can't try to make things better with sex.
=== 19:00
Greg was talking about how strong I am.
I can't feel it now.
I'm not brave, strong, or fearless.
How can I balance my Independence with my vulnerability, weakness and fear?
How can I find happiness with someone - and still be the supportive pillar every
expects me to be? That I want to continue to be?
These drama shows on TV are only making me cry again. Just little bits - not like before.
==
Ray just called me back.
I put him off for tonight ... I really do feel the need to be alone and ... sort
myself out.
We made plans to get together and talk tomorrow afternoon.
====
I've heard some songs. I'm looking for the lyrics. I know that one came from
Nickelback of all people ...
Found this one by mistake.
Detangler
I asked you to stay
But you said there's no way
I begged-- you call
And you leave me after all
I know I'm not to blame
I know you don't feel the same
Didn't even tell me why
You just left me here to dieI stand, I fall, I bounce off these 4 walls
You laugh, you leave
And you leave me here alone,
Is this how its gonna be
It's fine for you and not for me
Did you even care at all
You stand, I fallI'm guilty too
forsiring all to you
Well, that's my one sin
Sorry for giving in
Didn't mean to waste your time
Thanks for wasting mine
Could have to tried to let me be
Would you just set me free?Could I pay you not to...
I can't find the one I remember hearing. Maybe I heard the wrong band. Has
the phrase "One good turn deserves my dieing."
Here is one I didn't know the artist for - found out.
Hoobastank
Running AwayI don't want you to give it all up And leave your own life collecting dust And I don't want you to feel sorry for me You never gave us a chance to be And I don't need you to be by my side To tell me that everything's alright I just wanted you to tell me the truth You know I'd do that for you Why are you running away? Why are you running away? Cause I did enough to show you that I Was willing to give and sacrifice And I was the one who was lifting you up When you thought your life had had enough And when I get close, you turn away There's nothing that I can do or say So now I need you to tell me the truth You know I'd do that for you So why are you running away? Why are you running away? Is it me, is it you Nothing that I can do To make you change your mind Is it me, is it you Nothing that I can do Is it a waste of time? Is it me, is it you Nothing that I can do To make you change your mind So why are you running away? Why are you running away? ...What is it I've got to say... So why are you running away? ...To make you admit you're afraid... Why are you running away?
=== 21:00
I've taken twice my melatonin. I'm just hoping to sleep.
I'm turning the computer off ... I'm not going to write here again ... tonight.
What does tomorrow bring?
Don't know.
0210.28:12:45
You can call me crazy if you like. This isn't bravery, but I think it is opening myself up for a lot ... of joy I hope.
Greg,
I'm really going to go out on a limb here.
First I want to thank you again not only for the things that you have said to me at that party, but the past week. I've begun to remember all the things I really liked about you when we first met - and now you are honest enough to approach it without leading me on into something different.
You say (and I'm sorry I have to keep putting it that way - but I am still having some trouble trusting your motives ... but I think the rest of this letter will prove that I really am trying to get past that) ... You say you are and really want to be my friend. That you want to see me happy (so that you can be happy in return because you helped).
Well, ... I need help.
I need a lot more of that conversation we started. I need it on the same level we where having it (That being you are straight, honest, trying to help, and sharing as much with me as I was with you).
That party started me thinking about a lot of things - and I need help sorting them out.
I have to have a real person to talk to about it - not my journal. I can't do this on my own any more.
I have to have more of that conversation - and I really need to have you sober to be able to judge if I'm putting my trust in the right place.
You said some very nice things about me - but I need an attitude adjustment.
I agree - and I need some help with it.
Bottom line Greg, I'm asking for the help of a friend (and at this moment you are the only one I think capable of doing it).
This isn't a one sided thing either ... not that I really think you need help, but from some of the things you told me that night - you could use a little guidance and I have years of experience for you to listen to and maybe use.
It's taken a lot of me just to ask this - But I really do need it.
Write me, call me, drop by I don't care ... but only if you are willing to talk.
and I promise it won't be constantly as heavy as this may make it sound ... but it will be included.
before I talk to much or apologize anymore -
L8+r
Ray is on his way over in a while. I'm going to talk to him about how I put
myself in an emotionally volatile situation - I don't know what I expected, but
this wasn't it. I think I made it worse with the little amount of sleep I had.
I do feel better by the way. The full night of sleep I think really
helped.
I am afraid of what Greg's reply might be ... I can't even guess at it. I guess
I just have to keep confronting these fears and continue to trust as much as I
can ... I have to break through all of this.
=== 16:00
Ray has once again suggested my taking an anti-depressant.
He makes some very compelling arguments - but I still don't know.
I have been making all kinds of efforts to change my perspective, and attitude -
to do a lot of things on faith instead of rational.
The best I could do was promise that I will keep an open mind and ask my Doctor
on the 11th.
I have noticed I'm depressed a lot more then I have been. I have noticed that
the depression is more sever each time.
I still don't think the solution to my problems is another pill. However, how
can I tell what difference it makes until I try it?
"Just try it for thirty days." he said.
I realize he is my friend, he cares, he's done this himself ... still ... I
don't know.
I just don't.
=== 18:00
Just talked with Rick over ICQ, and Greg over the phone.
Turns out someone Greg met at the party is really interested in him. Rick and I
are going to try and give them the appropriate contact information. That was
actually the reason I called Greg (to see if he would be interested - he is).
Talked to him about the Halloween party at his house on Thursday. It starts
around 8ish, so I won't be able to stay long, but I said I would come by. I
asked if he would let me take pictures of the flying monkey - maybe one of the both
of us - for the website and he said yes.
I've been working on getting the camera to work with this computer.
I will also have to figure out a way to make that costume of mine warmer.
I have one bag of popcorn left. Think I'll watch some TV and eat it.
(No $1 rent today. To poor. But I might tomorrow, because I have a free rental
on my card).
==
Funny - I just called Greg again. I was flipping channels and found a rerun of Home Improvement - Halloween episode - with Tim Allen in a flying monkey suit. How freaky is that?
To: "Bret Turner" <1misfit@cox.net>
Subject: Re: Help
it kinda confuses me on how to help with the attitude ive had ups and downs with mine but ill love to help and be me as much as i cantill then
tang
Subject: Lunch
Everyone has ups and downs.
Really all I need is someone that I can really talk to. Journals aren't enough any more.
You have a perspective no one else has. I need to borrow any insight you have.
Thursday - Halloween - is also my payday.
Would you like to go out to lunch with me sometime around 1 or 2?
No biggy if you can't make it, I'll see you at the party.
I hit on a little revelation that might really help Ray's argument for
starting anti-depressants.
I don't care.
Really I don't care about myself. I'll give up anything for
anyone (even my life). Right now I don't give a crap about myself - because friends
aren't enough. If I had a lover, he could make a difference (and Rick was
starting to ... after the hurt - I cared even less).
This came to me as I was thinking "Who are you staying alive for?" The
answer certainly wasn't me. I'm staying alive for my friends. I'd try harder for
a lover. A lot of this even extends to personal grooming. When Rick was in my
life, I was brushing my teeth every day. After all, he might kiss me. Now, who
gives a shit? I can't seem to lose any weight. I don't feel better about myself.
What does it matter if I lose all my teeth and become even more hideous? Why
would it matter if I changed clothes every day or just kept putting the same
things on all week long?
Certainly this isn't right. It seems pretty damn co-dependant; not so much
depressed ... but ...
This may very well be one of the first things I talk to Greg about. Then again,
maybe something else will be on my mind by then.
As is - I'm home. It's time for lunch and a med. I used my Free Rental for
'Earth vs. the Spider'.
Ray may be by this afternoon to fix a few things in computer.
And I wonder if I'm up for this kind of trust again.
To: "Bret Turner" <1misfit@cox.net>
Subject: Re: Lunch
shure i have the 31st off
so about 1 to 2ish
Greg
Subject: Re: Lunch
Kool, I'll call you when I get out of work and pick you up after I've been to the bank.
Talk 2 U then
l8+r
Then it dawns on me.
Subject: PS Warning
It is Halloween - "I" won't actually pick you up - It will be Captain Compassion.
But you have already spent time with him, I think you can manage it ;)
l8+r
And I start remembering my old Halloween rule. Nothing can really start on
Halloween because there are to many masks involved. Happened with 'Puppy' and
Jerry.
Somehow Greg is different here ... but I'm not sure how.
To much thinking. I have to stop it now before I sabotage it all over again.
=== 15:00
Ray was going to come over and install the fonts I'm missing (like Jokerman),
but someone broke into his car and stole the face plate off his stereo. He
called and we talked about it. He was able to get the make, model and license
tag of the car - but he doesn't think the police will do anything, or recover
even less.
Anyway, I let him know about my schedule tomorrow ... or actually Captain
Compassion's schedule ... and he should be around to take my picture. Since Greg
will be with me for lunch, we should be able to get our pictures taken.
Found a couple of new features in the computer ... so I'm going to play
around with them.
Maybe I'll even get another page of the Dark Past journals done. It's about time
I got off my ass and got those started again. I want to get all the text in -
then I can concentrate on getting a scanner and getting the art work in.
Oh - hopefully you will be able to see the difference -
 |
To show Greg what the make-up could do - I pulled up this
old picture of him and drew this out with notes. I told him we should Gel
his hair back (which would also help hold his ears out). Darken the widow's peak. Lighten above the eyebrows to emphasize the brow ridge. Fade or eliminate eyebrows (told him of several ways to do this - one was make-up over medical tape) Darken upper lids some to help emphasize the brow ridge. Darken the cheeks to give that round eyes and mouth illusion. Lighten the sides of his nose to make it seem more narrow. Blacken the nostrils for the illusion of monkey nostrils. Lighten under the chin to emphasize a round mouth. Maybe darken upper lip and extend it to make his lips seem thinner and longer. |
Hopefully I'll have pictures of his actual costume here tomorrow - I think the make-up would have looked better then this drawing in real life - but his mask was much better.
0210.31 - Halloween!! *click on any of the pictures to see them in original size*
 |
Greetings!
Allow me to introduce myself. I am CAPTAIN COMPASSION!! My uniform is based on the Red Ribbon which was conceived of by singer/songwriter Paul Jabara who died of AIDS. He distributed the first Red Ribbon, as a symbol of understanding, education and compassion for AIDS/HIV. Unlooped red ribbon has also become known as a symbol for the awareness of substance abuse (most notably alcohol abuse and drunk driving). My heroic mission is to
continue the spread of knowledge and foster compassion for those affected
by this virus (and by affected I mean those whose lives have been affected
by it's presence, not just those with the virus). |
|
Mission log : October 31st 2002
Today I began by giving someone with HIV a day off. I used the power of familiarity to blend into his work environment. Since it was Halloween, I let my uniform show through.
I was briefly able to
educate many I came in contact with about HIV and AIDS and the meaning of the
Looped Red Ribbon.
One person actually avoid me for a moment, and when confronted told me,
"I don't want AIDS to touch me."
"I am not AIDS!" I replied with a smile and a pat on his back. "I
am a symbol of Compassion and education toward the virus that causes AIDS. Judging
from your reaction, AIDS has already touched you, whether you believe it or not.
Please, open your heart and mind and learn of better ways to confront your fears
then avoidance."
"Don't those things come in other colors?" He
asked me pointing to my uniform.
"Yes! I belong to a legion of heroes dedicated to many causes! Each of us
on a different mission yet all of us using the same methods. Awareness,
Education and Compassion.
Our leader Black, reminds of us all those we have lost and urges us to
prevent any further losses.
Yellow
is out to remember and find those distant from us, but close to our hearts.
Those away from home, MIA / POW's, and Teen suicides.
Green fights for our
resources - of every kind; from the environment to organ donations.
Orange
is out to eliminate discrimination and maintain our cultural identities.
Grey and Purple
both patrol our streets looking to end violence of any kind.
Pink -"
"Breast cancer, I know." He said.
"Cancer of any kind to be honest but that is one that she fights against
stringently. But I must be rattling on endlessly like Blue.
I just wanted to point out that there are many of us among you fighting every
day. More join us daily. We find it sad that we must embody these symbols when
they should be a part of everyone's daily life." He nod, perhaps not
convinced, but at least one step closer to the information.
After covering the work shift, I took someone whose life had been affected by the presence of HIV to lunch and talked with him about how he copes and offered my support.
After lunch, I ran several errands to those that have done wonders in the community and should be applauded for their tireless efforts.
I stopped in the office of a Doctor that handles many of the HIV/AIDS cases in Topeka. I visit briefly with the staff to give a pat on the back for the work they have done.
I stopped by the TOPEKA AIDS PROJECT, and helped make arrangements for educating a school on HIV and AIDS, and commend them on the work they have already done.
I stopped by the KANSAS DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH and checked in on many of the hard working employees there.
The rest of the night was resigned to touching the lives of others and supporting them in their desires to become more educated and compassionate.
|
Until Next
time, This is CAPTAIN COMPASSION |
|
Greg's Halloween
Here are pictures of his costume and me clowning around with him.
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*Special thanks to Ray who came over and took half of these pictures, and
installed the program I needed for my camera so I could take the other half.
Below are the pictures taken of us at the Topeka AIDS Project.
© October 2002 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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