Recent journal Entries
© October 2001 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

0110.01

Basically, I came home to nothing but a mess.
No one was home. Smells like someone has been smoking here. There was a pile of dishes in the sink that smelled like something had died under them.
I checked e-mail - it wouldn't let me. Only now about 5 minutes ago did I finally get it.
I checked mail. I called everyone that I couldn't e-mail to tell them I was home safe and sound. I called mom.
I took a letter to Scott. I knew where he worked and when. He said welcome home, and briefly told me a few things. For example, he really hadn't been there all week. He spent most of it at his EX-girlfriends.

I went home again. Still no Greg. I was not going to clean his mess. I took two Melatonin and went to bed so I could face the morning of clean up at work.
Greg came home - Loud. Didn't want to hug me - said Killer missed me though. I asked him to find the smell in the sink and make it go away. He said he was going to go to bed. I asked again. Then I told him. He said he would be good and do it - he did it loud. Then he sat down at the computer - I know this only because that is where he was when I had to answer the phone. Then he talked, loud, for a long time. I came out - got another Melatonin and told him to get off the phone or lower his voice. He chose to get off the phone and complained that he had been alone the whole week and he didn't know how to lower his voice any more. He finally went to bed.
Scott woke me up when he came home. Not with his voice or the door - with the computer. After two Lightening bolt sounds and a bell - I came out and turned the sound off on the computer. He whispered sorry, and I went back to bed.

Work could have been worse. It could have been a hell of a lot better.
I stayed in a good mood though.

I missed Scott before he went to work. A cammie was here using the computer. I should be going to get Greg from his job any minute now.

I was right. I have two strangers in my house. I look forward to getting to know them again - but for some reason I don't think they want to talk. Scott won't be here tomorrow ... he left a note. If last night was any indication - Greg doesn't want to talk to me about anything.

*Warning* Adult Situations and Graphic Violence depicted in this next bit of fiction. Haywood's down time report. For Cammies - this is OUT OF CHARACTER KNOWLEDGE!

0110.02

I came home from vacation, truly with the intent of re-meeting my room mates.
I've had very little interaction with Scott. I have been finding him to be completely indifferent - to anything.
I've had a very aggravating afternoon with Greg. He really seemed to be going out of his way to piss me off.

It occurs to me - I wanted to re-meet my room mates. I have. I don't like them. I don't think they like me either.

All things considered. While I was on vacation, I decided that the 'no sex' rule should go. It is my problem, if I can't deal with it, I'll leave. I thought it went hand in hand with the other rule 'respect everyone else in the house', but I guess it didn't. I thought about that one also - gave it the boot also. I'm not getting it - I can't enforce it ... I'll use it to my advantage as well.
Greg told me Scott would be happy about that one. He was getting tired of me imposing my problems on them. it bothers me that he never confront me with this. It is possible this is the way Greg interpret something he said - not what he actually said. I guess I have to take a queue from myself on this one.

(Greg confronted me with several things he said you read in my journals about him.
I have had this discussion with Greg already.
1) If you read something in my journals that bothers you - please feel free to confront me about it. If you want to talk to others about what you have read, please discuss - don't twist my words. If you feel I have written something about someone else that they would take offense to - Have them read it - don't paraphrase for me.
2) Greg doesn't read my journals because he (and this is what he told me) doesn't like to see himself through the eyes of another person.
So, if he doesn't care what I have written - why tell him about it.
(As I've said - I have had this talk with Greg already. If he wants to know, or confront me about anything I have written, he needs to read it. Not talk to me about what others have said about what I said).

I do not leave messages there for people to find. I try not to write about anything that I am not willing to talk about - or have already talked about.
Not to Greg - Not to you - Not to anyone.

Just in case you aren't aware of what Greg confronted me with -
You (and this is who he named as his source) told him I complained in my journals about seeing him in my home with you in his lap.
I wasn't complaining that I saw it - or that it was happening in my home. I was using it as an example of how I could see something that made me both happy for someone else - but reminded me of all the lies he told me in the past.

And again - on the off chance that you have never actually read the explanations of my journals
These journals are the worst of me - where I throw out crap I want to get rid of. Not really the way I feel, or necessarily the conclusions I come to at the end.

Thanks)

Greg pointed out that he would consider paying rent and living here - because I'm a good room mate. I then brought up that he didn't treat me like one - he never does anything around the house and treats me like crap. He pointed out, he said I'm a good room mate, not him. I had to agree and I began to think ... why should I put up with this crap?
So, I last more then a month more then I did last time. I kicked everyone out before by Oct 1. This year ... I'm still not sure I am going to kick them out ... but I am considering it. They are both employed now. I have less to worry about. I am wavering on this because I know ... things always get better.

Applied for the State job again today.
Called about my last test results (blood tests - not job tests) - I don't have them yet.
Platelets where down to 13, but that isn't terrible - and I did yo-yo for a while before.
Can't find the shows I want to see on TV (Buffy - Enterprise). I don't think I will be able to get them. Which is fine - if I get the state job I won't be able to watch them any way.
Seems like there was something else I wanted to talk about - can't think of it now.
Cio!

==== 18:30

Oh yeah,
$30 parking ticket paid - from when I took Scott to the P.O.'s office.
Viral Load - Less than 600 (basically undetectable) but T-Cells 182. They said not to worry - so I'm trying not to.

Greg isn't happy - because I'm pissed off. He went out of his way to piss me off yesterday and announced he loves to see me get mad. I don't understand why he isn't happy.

I'm sliding down a drain here and I'm not sure ... about anything.

hanging thought from ages ago - 
Devin may have broken my Heart - but at least he didn't move in to watch it die and poke it with a stick for fun ... like Greg.
I'm losing all my hope very fast.

=== 21:00

This is all going to hurt a lot.

I got a reply to the letter I sent (the one in Parenthesis). It and my reply follow.

Hello Brett,

   First off here Brett, I am not going to dive into another head butting battle with you. I just want to make this VERY clear here. Second, PLEASE do not send me a contradicting E-M on the very same issue you have based your e-m to me on. If I lost you here, let me simplify it for you. Don't e-m mail me about believing someones views etc etc from anothers mouth, before asking ME what "I" said and what had been said before "assuming" one way or the other. I would of been more welcoming to an e-m from you wanting "my" view first, before going gung-ho on just gregs words. Second off, let me address Greg and apparently his twisted version of my words- and now yes I am pissed just like you for the very same reason. And one person is in result of it. Greg.

1. I read your journals because "I" wanted to. Understand?
2. I read your journals because "I" wanted to learn more about you and your views.
  a. Why? Because I had found you interesting and your journal as well. I admire writers of ALL forms and consider your journal a piece of art. Understand... again?
3. While reading your journal for my own interest NOT in attempts to gather 411 on Greg or anyone else in the apartment or others whom you have wrote about. Do I make myself clear here? Good.
4. While reading this journal of YOURS for my own interests..I came across a statement in regards to greg that was a contradiction and what I consider a lie by HIM. I asked him at one point if he was bi-sexual....or had interest in men....and I was told NO. What I read in your journal was not what greg had told me before us dating. So YES he was confronted because that is disrespecting me in terms of relationships. I dont feel the need to explain to you why I wanted to know. I just did and that should be respected in itself. Understood. Dont take that and turn it inside out. Point blank.
5. I also read a portion that YES did refer to me. And YES it did refer to me both negatively and positively. However, What was relayed back to Greg hear...which I preferred to keep my mouth shut just because I respected Greg, However now I must once again explain the back issues that apparently aren't expressed nor told to you Brett. And for this I apologize. So back to what I was saying-
6. Greg told me that you were VERY jealous of me and him because U wanted to be with HIM. He also told me that he didn't want to be with you in this way and that you are always attempting to be with him. He also told me several times throughout the time frame of the PAST situation of Greg and I....that there were issues there because of it and your feelings that made HIM uncomfortable. Like wise back to the "Brett wants to be with me" common phrase outta his mouth..and how he just stays to himself to avoid you and the issue. Now, something also made VERY clear here-granted this issue is long done and over-however I have reworded his words the BEST I cant remember and recall word for word. Do not twist them. You don't like what you are hearing-You take it out on Greg not me. OK? This is both your issues that have been going on for some time-not MINE. Understood? Good.

7. Now what was said to Greg in reference to # 6. was "I now understand what you had been saying about Brett and him being upset over us" based on your entries in your journal. granted Brett- that is a venting system that works for you that YES YOU MAKE PUBLICLY know. AND YES...I DO know that this is a negative form to release your frustrations. I understood that when I read all of it. However-IT did come from YOU-as feelings FROM YOU-and they are 1 part of "Brett" regardless of what you may feel now. They are NOT invalid or excused because that's how you vent. They are a part of your reality one way or another. They are also your OPINIONS on people you choose to write about- I wasn't mad matter of fact I have been meaning to tell you to go ahead and use my name for them. I don't care-and wouldn't mind it at all. I respect YOUR feelings, and views..and if that's how You see it-Then so be it. However what you did write there-did match with what Greg had been telling me al! l along. So. That's my view and opinion as well. 1+1= 2. End of story.

8. and now number 8- I didn't jump Greg other then the lie about his past. I was upset he lied to me, then attempted to twist out of it because I didn't ask if he slept with a man before- I am sorry-If I ask your BI or like men-that's a part of it. And just to set the record straight-my choice with Greg was altered in a very serious way because he didn't feel the need to go into that issue like he should have been from the beginning. Hell- I have slept with a women- I also was in a relationship with her for 6mths. Big deal-but at least I am honest with people over it.

So to wrap this up- I am threw with this HE said SHE said Bullshit. Do not write me and more negative filled e-m's. I have absolutely NO tolerance for this kindergarten shit Brett. SO stop the cycle please. Talk with Greg about his dishonesty and get this crap settled once and for all before someone else is pulled into it that doesn't need to be. I would also appreciate the fact if you insist on writing me back on this matter-go ahead and title your e-m letter head as so I can have the choice to read it or not. If your reply has nothing to do with any of this crap or is on a positive note-then there will be no need for that.

Ya know if Greg would have just been more honest with YOU and ME instead of being a manipulative ass-this maybe wouldn't be going on. And obviously he is still continuing to do it. I am not in the wrong here- Greg and if you would pay more attention to his ways maybe you would see that instead of jumping on my ass.

I hope you 2 can resolve this in your own space fashionably.

-Tracey

========== Reply

Hello Brett,

One t in Bret :)

   First off here Brett, I am not going to dive into another head butting battle with you.

I have to go to bed now.

0110.03 -Back up : Note, I stopped posting halfway through on the 2nd - until the 5th. Reasons are in the Journals.

Greg ----

    Wake me for a short talk or realize we will have it when I pick you up from work Tommorrow.
DDK

He chose option two - by default I think. He came home nearly two hours later then he said. I'm not sure he saw the note until after I left for work.

I woke up this morning - and wrote poetry.

“I loved him”

I loved him,
because he was a master

Of Manipulation,
Lies, and denial
For telling you what,
You wanted to hear,

I loved him,
for the hope he gave

Then stepped on,
twisted and degrade
For the self esteem,
he tortured and killed.

I loved him,
For all his potential

Which he denied,
Intentionally avoided
For all the faults
he smiled while showing.

I loved him
for all the things he wasn’t

--

“Love and Death, Haiku” 

Maybe I will die alone,
I don’t want to die
bitter and lonely

--

I've been thinking about this all day. I've become kind of hollow inside. Numb.
I wanted to let him be the first to know about this decision - Tracy only found out first because I decided as I was writing her.
I also decided that there is no asking him. I'm telling him. He is a master of saying the things people want to hear. I'm not going to take the chance he could talk his way out of it.

I have to go and get him now.

==== 17:00

I have to eat for meds - and I just can't.
He got very quite. He bought cigarettes.
I have almost cried several times.
This is the closest I've been to ... 
    I was going to say killing myself, but that isn't it. Just wanting to die is more like it.
I told him he had to be out by November 4. That gives him an entire month. He thinks he will have a problem finding a place - but said he understands. I don't think he does - but then again, I thought he would say more to me about the whole thing.

All he asked is what prompted this. I said it was nothing new. Just everything he has been doing since I met him, and the way he has been treating me the last week. He has no recollection of pissing me off all afternoon and saying he liked seeing me angry. I told him I couldn't take the abuse to my self esteem any more.
He is not, never was, never will be, never wanted to be, never cared to try and be - my lover, my friend, my room mate, or anything. I was just someone to give him things.

All of this - because he once gave me a rose and said he liked me.

I should thank Tracey. She really set me back in my place and made me realize a few things.
I should also note - I didn't leave Greg out of anything said. I sent him copies of both e-mails.
As far as resolving anything between us - I have been trying ... since we met. He will not try - he denies. The only resolution here is going to be this little parting of ways.
I told him I am still his friend, and will still pick him up from work and help in any way that I can - I just can't do it from here any longer.

He and Scott took a walk, to talk. That just leaves me here alone - with only a computer to talk to.
I almost cried again writing that. I'm going back to watching Buffy.

...

I can't post this yet. Not fair to him. I have to give it some time to cool off.

for both of us.

0110.04:04:30

I can barely describe the tension around here. I had to leave. I had nowhere to go.
I ended up at Marc's. I just had to tell someone that I hurt. I did. It started to become a 'make Bret feel better by bashing Greg' session - so I left before I hurt any more.

I still like Greg. Despite the lies and the manipulations.
He has been understandably cold and quite to me these past few hours.

What I find ironic in this situation is, that one serious talk could have cleared all of this up before it began. And it is the one thing that can't happen. Greg wouldn't take it seriously - and even if he was, I couldn't trust it. So, we talk and work out everything - how long before I find out it was all lies and he was only telling me what I wanted to hear, manipulating me into the things he needed from me again?

Tracey has evidently been confronted by Greg. She sent he and I an e-mail asking not to be dragged into the middle of this.
Well, Snowflake - I have no intention of involving you, but you can not ignore the storm in which you fall. You are involved, take the responsibility for your part of it.

I woke up early - couldn't sleep. I went to bed early - got up after 'Enterprise' and watched. Greg left the room half way through and went to bed. I went back to bed (after more Melatonin) - couldn't sleep well. Scott brought over his "Ex-Girlfriend" which from the way they are acting now I don't think is an accurate description.
No rule - couldn't enforce it anyway. My computer - I had to write, so I came out and did despite what they where doing. They went outside. Their choice - not mine.

It's time to get ready for work now.

=== 13:50

A letter to my Brother.

'Despite Devin.' That doesn't sound good. Explain?

Long story short - he scared off the one guy that did hit on me in a big way (doing everything BUT claim to be my boyfriend) then spent an entire day confusing me with Rodger - not to mention making me pay for everything (including his pick up for the night) even though he knew I was poor.

Glad the rest of vacation was good though. I'm starting to think about coming home for a real long time, like 3-4 weeks. I'll see if I can afford it.

Hope you can. Dad called today and asked about you. He would love to see you again.

Don't let the arcades become depressing - it's only good to do if it is helping. When it gets yucky, just stop going. What's the difference going there and going to a bar when the 'score' isn't guaranteed?

The score isn't guaranteed in the arcades. The money spent is basically wasted. There isn't the chance of a real relationship - which is what I really want and need. I find them disgusting and degrading ... but when I really feel the need for physical contact - I have no other options.

Where is Greg working? How's that application for a state job going (I didn't even know you wanted to work for the state!)? Nothing major new here.

He is a maintenance man *his life not to be put here*.
Same state job I've had the last two tax seasons.

Sorry I sound so - blah (hehe - that is funny now), but I am torn the fuck in half.

I told Greg to move out by Nov 4. Everyone seems to be consoling Greg - like this was easy for me. I feel like I shot and killed my best friend and ripped my own heart out.

The last time I felt like this is when I broke up with Shawn. It hurt so much, but I knew it had to happen. I am filled with doubt and remorse - but I am still certain that I am doing the right thing.

I am more depressed then ever. I checked into the insurance end of Therapy. I'm not that happy with it. But I may have to do what I can.

-- end of letter

Who are you?
I don't know.
Who is he?
I don't know.
What is the past?
Knowledge that only allows you to misjudge the present moment. Something to be let go.
What is the problem?
If I am to met a man new every day - then I have nothing to judge him on but the moment. So, am I then misjudging Greg now? My actions are being influenced by my past - my pain - my past pain. Even if I let it go - I think my decision stands. I can't take the subtle manipulations and the endless web of lies any longer. Why?
Is it because it is now part of his karma or path to be thrown out?
I still love him in a way I can't explain. I don't like the idea I have been portrayed by him to others as a psycho gay boy chasing after the hetero room mate. Or as the excuse to not progress with anyone else. I don't like it because I don't think it was ever like that - but I can't deny it either.
I am hurting in this decision also. Something no one else has seemed to want to acknowledge yet. Everyone is either consoling Greg or telling me it was about time I threw the lazy bastard out. I don't hate him - I don't think he is the lazy bastard everyone else does. I don't want to be told I did the right thing or that I was harsh - I want it acknowledged that I made a decision that was not easy and that I am suffering from it also.
That is an Expectation -
Then I am most certainly disappointed - and hurt - and crying.

== 16:00

Letter to Scott-

You'll have to forgive me Scott, When I get emotional I also get cryptic and dramatic.
Forgive me for this letter, it is the Drama queen in me playing itself out.
Forgive the cryptic conversation as you left - but I do feel the need to let you know what that was all about.
"By the way," I said as you left the door, "I feel like Crap for telling Greg to leave. Thanks for asking."
"I talked to Greg -" You said pausing at the door, but I cut you off,
"I don't need to hear it. If Greg wants me to know how he feels, he'll tell me soon enough." I left the room - you left for work.
This isn't about Greg. This is an issue I have with you.
I know you talked to Greg - and I am thankful for it. I'm sure he needed someone to talk to. You showed a great amount of friendship and compassion to someone that you claim not to like (at least to me). I have noticed you two either love or hate each other. This was I think a better moment between you two.
What was bothering me though, is that not once - had anyone asked me how I felt about it, or offered to talk. For someone that claims to be a friend (at least to my face) - I found this to be kind of callous and cruel.
I told you what I had done, you went to Greg to talk, comfort and console, maybe even counsel. I don't know and I don't really care - because it is between you two.
But not once did anyone ask how I felt, while I tried not to cry while I was inside listening to you two talk like friends.

That was the point I wanted to make. I just didn't get it out very clearly.
I'm not mad - but since no one asked how I felt, I'll just have to tell you.

End of Drama.

I'm off to deliver said letter, and have dinner with Ray. After paying the rest of these bills. No money left for food. I guess I will have to take Scott up on that offer to grocery shop on his payday.

0110.05:05:40

I had dinner with Ray. We talked about our days, our weeks actually - and a lot of small stuff. Then I told him about what I had done to Greg. I waited until then, because our conversation in general lighten my spirits and it was easer for me to talk about it without say - crying.
I haven't published this journal for a few days. He didn't have any of the information above to guide his tactics or conversation.
He dealt with the way I felt.
He didn't bash Greg - he acknowledged how much I cared.
He pointed out to me all the things I have been talking about for a long time. He helped me add up all the little half reasons that never really add up to any one reason until they are piled together.
He pointed out some of his thoughts about things he has observed.
(Ditto for everything I had done with Scott).

I feel fundamentally better about myself, and this situation. I hurt - I know it. I did what I really do feel had to be done - I know it. Growing often hurts - I can feel that. All of this is okay.

I have to go to work. I'll talk more about this later and most likely publish this afternoon.

==== 12:30

I thought of one other thing. For Greg's sake, I'm going to wait until Sunday to post all of this - unless he tells me differently. I don't want anyone to bug him about it at the game if he wants to avoid it.
He's still giving me the silent treatment. It hurts. I want us to still be friends. It is one of the reasons I'm asking him ... I keep doing that - I told him to move out.

When I told Ray - I just spilled out a bunch of stuff that he listened to. It all ended with,
"... and I don't even really know why I did it or why I'm sticking to it."
"Because," He said after he was sure I stopped talking, "You have good instincts."

I know what set me off. It was a lot of the stuff in Tracey's letter coupled with his attitude toward me the last couple of days. (Like when he kept pissing me off on Monday, and saying he likes to see me angry - which he doesn't recall. I think I know why. He doesn't recall it, because to him it was a joke. He thought it was funny, and it was nothing to be taken seriously - or remembered. Problem is - no matter how much I tried, I couldn't get him to understand that I didn't think it was funny.) Like I said, that set me off. I could have back pedaled my way out of all of that in an instant if I wanted to. I didn't.

As I said, Ray also impart some insight from what he observed. All things considered - everyone at heart knows this is the right thing to do. Growing pains hurt though. I am giving Greg back his life. He will have to make decisions now - what to do, where to go, and how. What to do once he gets there. And - it's time for that to happen.
I don't think any of us will be able to see all of this for what it is for years. But, I hope, that Greg will be able to look back at this and realize I am trying to do the right things by him, trying to help him. And I'm doing it because I love him - and I don't mean like a boyfriend - I mean like a friend.

My Brother replied to my letter.

Hey Bret,

 

I actually tried to call you when I read this email, but you weren't home.

 

It kills me that this is so hard for you - I know it is killing you. Just remember that you DID do the right thing, that you were being an exceptional friend to even let him live there. I think 11/04 is extremely fair. He has a job - there's no need for him to have you fathering/mothering him. Don't let anyone give you shit about this. Especially you.

 

"The hardest since Shawn" leads me to believe that there are emotional bonds there beyond friendship that have confused the issue. I know you sorta love him.

 

I dunno if there is a lesson to be learned here - and that's hard. Be a bad friend? Turn your back on someone in need? Enable a bad situation? None are good. But you are doing the right thing - I just don't know if there is anything to have done differently, or to not do in the future.

 

Yuk.

 

I love you. Be strong. I think you did the right thing.

 I know my brother feels for my pain - just like I feel for his. I don't have to remember I did the right thing - I know it, problem is I just don't feel it yet. Exceptional friend? I don't think so - nor do I need ego boosting here. I know it's fair, I just don't feel I should hurt this much. I don't think I was father/mothering him - even so I know there isn't a need for it - but I feel the need to do it (I like to look after someone). I'm not letting anyone give me shit - what I really want now though is for people to stop giving Greg shit.
"Sorta love him" ?
Okay, and when I said the same thing to Ray last night, he asked me if I noticed a parallel. Yes, I notice one - but it is not the same situation as when I broke up with Shawn. It was just a very hard decision for me to make - seemly easy to follow through on - but full of pain, doubt, remorse, love, ect. I felt the same after that decision as I feel now - not that it was like breaking up with a boyfriend.
I pointed out - maybe it's seasonal! This is the same kind of situation that I had two years ago - and it was this time of year that I kicked them out. All the more reason for me to stop myself and just wait out the winter.

No. All of these where situations where bad things began to happen and there was no way to fix it other then to part ways a bit.

I am really hoping Greg doesn't become as distant to me as Shawn, Bill, or Nick - but if he does then it had to be. I've said it before, and I still mean it. I love them enough to want them happy - even if it is without me.

Ray and I had Chinese for dinner. Fortune cookies. Once again we get hit with strange ones. Mine I thought was way off, but when I looked at it again this morning, I realized it was true by the time I left the table.

??? You know I just realized I misread it - twice. I thought it said,
You are filled with Joy, you preach without preaching. - what it really says is,

If you're filled with joy, you
preach without preaching.

When I sat down to dinner, I was miserable. Full of anything BUT joy. By the time I left the table, joy was returning and I felt I could once again live up to the idea of being an example. To teach by merely doing what I tell others to try.
Ray taught me so much last night, not only about how to deal with myself, but how to deal with others again.
When I present my quandary about trusting like a fool (from the Zen card FOOL) and if I had been misjudging Greg's present person and should give him a second chance, he said,
"How often have you given yourself that second chance?" after letting me think that over a while he told me, "In the latest issue of Tricycle *a magazine about Buddhism* there is an article called 'Love thy neighbor like you love yourself, and change your password often'." Humor in wisdom. You can prevent yourself from harm, and still trust. You can 'not trust' and still love. Precaution isn't against the rules.
You can't forget your past either - like I was wondering about before. Otherwise we would all still be trusting of the universe and burning our hands on everything hot (like I did on the lid to the rice last night - twice - then I held it with a napkin.) Trust until it hurts, then do it with precautions if you must.

We also talked a bit about Scott not asking me how I felt. The emotional Anchor was brought up. If I am perceived as such - I don't have to be looked in on. My feelings don't matter until everything else is resolved (and of course, once it's resolved - why do your feelings matter). Also, everyone knows how the anchor feels - you don't have to ask.
-Scott just woke up. I apologized for the drama of the letter delivered to him at work. He said it was alright. He understood and the only reason he hadn't talked to me about it - he hadn't gotten to me yet. No time. He wanted to get to Greg because he didn't know how long he would stay.

Well, like with God is -
The more I say the more I dilute this. So, I'll quit now.

=== 18:25

Greg and I talked today. I was so happy the silent treatment was over. I was so happy we talked.
It started with small talk about his day. Instead of 3 syllable sentences, he actually talked to me. I listen and talked more.
I thanked him for ending the silence. That started the serious end of the conversation. I told him that I wasn't happy about this decision - it didn't make me feel good. I wasn't doing it to be mean or hurtful. I was doing it because it was time, it had to be done - and because I know he can handle it now, even if he doesn't think so.
"Since no one asked me how I felt, and I thought you should know - I told you." I said.
"Except for you," he said, "No one asked me how I felt about it either."
He told me how Scott never asked him. He came out to talk to him and his opening line was 'Don't feel to bad, from what I read in his journals I'm not far behind.'
 -- and I should note, he isn't. I talked to him today also. He's already asked me for Greg's room once he's gone. One of the reasons for my asking Greg to go, was his manipulations. I told Scott,
"Don't take this the wrong way, but your manipulations are blunt and easy for me to see." It doesn't make them any more acceptable - but I can watch them more then the ones that Greg left around like traps for me. ... more on this in a second.
The thing I wanted to talk about, is that Greg and I talked. I told him I understand his being angry at me, but we do still live in the same home, and I do want to be his friend, even after he has moved out.
"I'm not so much angry," he said, "as I will probably be very resentful that you kicked me out." he said cutting me to the bone. I wanted so much to say that I was not kicking him out - but that would have been a bold faced denial lie. I am kicking him out of my home, but not my life.
He brought up that he was only joking on Monday. I had to put in my 'oh, now you remember it.' stab - but we moved on. He was joking. I pointed out I tried to tell him I wasn't, that I didn't find it funny - but he kept on going.
"That's just me." he said.
"I know." I replied, "and that excuse is wearing thin. As your friend I can tolerate it because I can leave. As my room mate, I'm trapped next to it. I have to live with it. And it hurts."

We talked about his options. I offered my help.
We talked about these journals.

He told me to post them if I felt like it. I told him why I hadn't yet, why I thought about it today - why I hesitate again. He told me he didn't care - he could handle it.
I think he does care - I know he can handle it, I just want to make it easy for him. Maybe I should stop that.

I asked when he wanted to go to his games. I asked, and told him, that I was just trying to figure if I was going to eat before or after I took him. I had to eat at 5:30ish for meds. I offered to buy pizza if he wanted to stick around and help me eat it. He agreed. I had $15 in my wallet. Total came to $16 even. I was able to scrounge up 25¢ - I hated to do it - but I asked Greg for the other 75¢. He gave me a $1 and I gave him the 25¢. We watched TV and ate pizza. Then he went to the computer and played a video game. It was almost normal.

I wanted to get back to my conversation with Scott.
Because as I write it here, it seems like I make Greg out to be this spectacularly manipulative liar. The words are laced with bad connotations. But Greg is not evil or even close to bad. In my conversation with Scott, pointing out the differences in their manipulations - I pointed out that Greg's manipulations aren't bad by intent.
"Greg wants to be the best person that he can be - to the person in front of him. To get that, he will bold faced lie to them about what and who he is and become this image. He has to be one of most intelligent people I know to be able to keep all of these faces in line. But he is beginning to discover that once more than one person is involved these lies begin to show up - going off like bombs. I wish he would realize that he can be the best person he can be, if he just focused on what he is - not what he thinks each person wants him to be."
I had this talk with Greg before - long ago. Hiding his past doesn't make it go away. He isn't his past. He is what he wants to be as long as that is honest with himself. If he tells people about that person - they will like him for who he is. This I know - because I have done this. "To thine own self be true."
Scott threw in a 'I remember when I was like that.' but it left a bad ... Rodger taste in my mouth. Something he knows in his intellect - but hasn't followed threw on in his heart.

Scott is at work. Greg is at his game. I am home alone.
The pizza took all my money. I can't go to the arcades. ... not that I really want to, but I was thinking about it when I had the money. Greg's agreeing to dinner, helped me avoid doing something I don't really want to do.
I am so glad we talked.

Time to be a lawyer -
All views and opinions here are those of the writer only. I can not, and do not speak for Greg or any other person I write about. I can only relate my side of anything - my opinion on why it happened. Anything related to me by another person is still colored by my perception of it.
What prompts this is my proof-reading of the above - specifically my comments to Scott about Greg's manipulations. I remind, that words such as 'manipulation' have bad connotations that I do not feel are present here. I point out MORE - that all of that is a statement of what I think MIGHT be going through Greg's head : NOT what IS. Do not approach Greg thinking that this is who and what he is - it is only my current perception of him. When I met him again - it most likely will change.
It bothers me that words fail me - that I am unable to describe what another person means to me - truly means to me. I am reminded of the lyrics of a song by 'Depeche Mode' -

"All I ever wanted, All I ever needed, is here in my arms. Words are so very, unnecessary, They can only do harm."

...every morning I bless myself and ask for,
The Strength to do the things that must be done.
The courage to say the things that must be said.
And the Wisdom to know when to do each.

I think now the wisdom would say, 'Shut up - and put up.'

0110.07

I am so glad that I have already asked Greg to move - other wise I would have done it this morning.
Game, dinner, party.
Very interesting, very poor, here is where the problem began.
I'll skip the game until I make my down time report.
Dinner - after gas for the car, sight fee for Greg and I - I only had $5. Greg asked if I could spot him. I said for a drink - because I only had the $5 and I wanted a shake. I gave him a dollar and he bummed $5 from someone else to get his food.
Party. I had been hitting on all the new people. There was one that seemed to be flirting back. I found out later I was mistaken - but he was a really nice guy and we (being the designated drivers) ended up talking most of the night. Greg got very drunk. This is not the problem. I watched him flirt all over the place and actually figured out one the things he had done and braced myself for him lying to me about it later. As I've said before, I can't even rely on Greg to be unreliable. He didn't lie to me about it. In fact, in his vast Drunken ramblings I learned a lot of the things I had been wondering about. I decided to take advantage of the 'great truth serum' and asked a few questions. All things considered - I feel like a guy that realizes the made bad wishes for his genie and thought of better wishes later. I have questions I wish I would have asked. (Like, will you forgive me for telling you to move out?) Once again, It was great to be having an honest discussion with Greg - and I had no problem hearing about the sexual conquests of the past few months or why some of the lies arose. It was only one statement that he volunteered that nearly killed me.
The question that started it, "Are you actually straight or bi-sexual?"
His answer was Bi, and I asked why only women in the past few years then. Once again, there are no cute guys in this city. Here is where he nearly killed me, again.
After, no offense to you or anything etc. stuff he add - and I quote,
"You just don't have the long hair that I really like and your chin is kind of pointy, but if you let your hair grow and maybe got a little beard - Oh Baby! You'd be hot!"

...
So, for two years I've been shaving my head because no one will date me - and now in a drunken stupor he announces that if I had hair, he would have dated me - but never told me that. I would have gladly grown hair back for the chance.

I look forward to having some of the talks that Greg asked me to have with him about last night. He did specifically tell me to talk to him about certain things - because he has to remember them, and didn't think he would in the morning.

I came home visibly upset. Scott asked me what was wrong. I said later - I had others to get home. I went back and found everyone else taken care of or passed out for the night. (by the way - I had been pissed off to the point of recklessness again. Just let me die and get it over with. I couldn't get back into the apartment complex when I got back. I actually scaled the side of the building to get entrance. Yeah, I could have fallen and cause enough physical problems to die - but I wasn't sloppy. I didn't fall. I got in. I'm better now).
I told Scott when I got home again that we could short hand this for a time but he had to follow orders. He agreed.
"Tell me these things - repeat after me : You are a bad person for having thought it."
"You are not a bad person -" Scott began.
"You are not following the rules. Repeat exactly and trust me or don't do it. I am a bad person for having thought it."
He repeat under duress.
"I am a good person for not having followed through."
He repeat.
"He was drunk and didn't mean a god damn word of what he said."
He repeat. Told me to remember this in the morning - and gave me hug. I needed that.

(Oh - the first two dealt with the fact that I realized what state of mind Greg was in - and I seriously considered taking advantage of it - for the minimum of a kiss ... something I have wanted from him from the beginning - and maybe even sex. I didn't. I didn't even try. I am so proud of myself for that. I am not as desperate as I thought I could be.)

That is how I'm going to handle this also. I'm not going to bring this part of the conversation up. I'm going to forget it happened at all.
Yeah - Right!
Shut up! I will let go of the past. Even if it kills me.

Had lunch with Ray this morning. He did get me to laugh about this. I am not as pissed as I could have been.

I also want to tip my hat to some friends of mine. I spent time with them after my last dinner with Ray - where he got me to feel better about having asked Greg to move. As is my tendency - I focus on my Problems and the drama in my life - and forgot to mention the simple joy of seeing some old friends - Brian and Tish and the kids. I had a great time there - even if it was for only a few hours.

---

Greg remembers. I mentioned what he said to me, and said we aren't going there again. We talked.
Greg asked me not to put anything about last up on the web. I'm making some decisions about what I have above. I really do want to respect his wishes on this - but I don't want to ignore, in this journal, what happened.

0110.08

Today was hellish at work, yet I had a good day. I guess that bumper sticker I saw was right : "happiness is an Inside job."
I invited Greg, again, to read what I had written before I posted it, and object before hand. He doesn't want to - he said he doesn't want his name mentioned - he doesn't even want to have existed on that day. I told him that couldn't happen, but I would make sure he was as little of it as possible.

Scott got paid today and got groceries for us. I was telling Greg that there are some things that Scott put in his 'room' for him - but we can use the rest. Greg thought that was unfair - that Scott had eaten some of the last of the things that Greg had wanted to eat. I told Greg that if he wants to argue with me about the food I had bought and who ate it, he can. As for the food that Scott bought - he can keep and share it as he pleases. I consider it a favor that he bought us any food at all. Once Greg gets paid, he can by food to keep to himself if he wants.
I feel like I have failed as the provider male. (there is only some sarcasm in that). Actually, I think I hit this point last time also.
Time to take Greg to his parents to do laundry. Seems to be laundry day for everyone but me.

== 19:30

I didn't think I was going to be gone that long. Ray came by. Greg wanted to know 'if he could come over and play'. Greg is going to help Ray fix a toilet in his house. He had some of the things they would need. Ray and I ended up going to dinner.

 I have completely lost my train of thought ...

Oh, I got out of lab for a while. My platelets went up (on there own) to 24. As Scott pointed out, that is nearly double what they where. I passed along to the Doctor the information that my viral load was undetectable, even though I have had another fall in T-cells. She felt it wasn't necessary to monitor my platelets as often unless I noticed any problems. So, instead of every week - I will have blood work only once a month, and see her again in three months.
Wha-Hoo!
Ray got a new hand held camera. Sent me these pictures from when he was fooling around. So, now you can see how much hair I have and how little Greg has now (he doesn't look hung over does he?)

I have read the entry about a dozen times. I can't think of anything I can eliminate and still be fair to myself. All of it is about me and that night - I just happen to interact with Greg on it. It isn't about all of the things he did - in fact, I have been very kind to him.

0110.09

Greg got me a 30 minute job helping him - paid $5. I then took some of my comic books to Gatekeeper and made $40 in 15 minutes. I liked Greg's job more. The only thing I didn't like about it was the way Greg thought I would like it - He came home with Groceries last night (he said he worked for his mother for them). He bought a few things - mostly things only he would like. He did have me write his name on some lunch meat so no one else could use it. I guess the food wars have begun.
He said, "I figured you would like a little bit of fast food money."
Five dollars in one's - I'm thinking of the arcade.
Came home and made dinner for us - as Scott and his girlfriend where leaving.

Not much to say really. Refrigerator anyone?

smear through old candy yet do paint green waste

sexual gap it

some fool paint

promiscuous rights everywhere

wear metal masterpiece

have pink leather, need help

rot steam stroke

tell Daddy her transvestite friend wanted lipstick

full concrete wood like soft

think our stop help me

stiff moist voice speak s only smile

chic bad shower girlfriend cruising proud

my bush IS flaming

0110.10

Just singing along with the muzak today at work.
    Good bye, love
    Good bye, happiness
    Hello Loneliness
    I feel like I could die

    I'll be who I am
    Just a lonely man

Killer is being overly affectionate to me. I don't know why. I'm trying not to make it into a Greg projects through Greg's cat kind of thing. I am prone to do that.
I have been alternately happy and sad about Greg moving out. I really do like having him around, I just can't keep catching all these lies. I think, if Greg could ever get it through his head, that he doesn't have to keep lying to me like a lover he is cheating on (which I'm not, but when he does it - leads me to think something like that) - things would be fine.
I have a lot of theories about Greg.
My biggest problem right now is going to be trying not to talk about him. Hard part is - he means that much to me, it is hard for me not to talk about him ... just like I'm doing now.

Refrigerator? How about only pink ones today?

Would He Have Me As She Would Have Him Later

Your Military Just Blow es Bull

Boyfriend Consider Gomorrah Flawless

Woman Tomboy Sappho ing.

World Wish Bottom Stand Out Live Relationship Fairy

Special Teddy Companion

Inside Anonymous Longtime

Active Rainbow Flag

Should Queen Dyke Dorothy March Down Cute Top Bisexual Hole ?

Invert Normal Closet Homo Loved High ly Look Important

True s, Can't Turn Sad On Toto 69 ing

Community Daddy Stereotype Cruise

Rave If

Could Happy Pride Rings Ban Sure Body Show Winner At Bear Mardi Gras

Well, that takes care of all the pink phrases. Only a couple of pink endings now. If I keep up with this, it will be the only New Years Resolution I have ever kept. I have only one thing to say about most of the phrases above - and it is another of the poetry magnets on my 'fridge :

I never Trust Absurd

== 17:40

I just wanted to say - this is hysterical.
I made dinner for Greg and Scott. We rent movies. I ate twice as much and they are both asleep like little babies on the couches.
I got to see if ...

ain't that cute >:) oops, Greg moved

0110.11

I've been corresponding with Bryan, the photographer and owner of the Chaos In Austin site I mentioned before.
He's given me permission to use photo's of David - the stripper I met in Austin. So, I finally have them inserted into the journal entry about that night - and for those that don't want to back up - here he is.

Thanks for all your help Bryan. www.chaosinaustin.com for everything you need in Austin.

I guess I shouldn't have laughed so hard at Scott and Greg for falling asleep. They woke up, and stayed up all night making very difficult for me to sleep. I'm not feeling very well now because of that.
While Greg was asleep (He got up and went to bed after awhile), Scott got a call that concerned him. He got kind of edgy. I told him everything would be okay, and I gave him a hug. I was a little surprised when he literally started to cry on my shoulder. I can't tell you how much it meant to me that he was able to do that - or that he wanted to at all.

== 17:50
I bought Chinese on the condition that I would let Greg take me to a movie either tomorrow or Saturday.
I wanted to share my fortune.

You have great physical powers and an iron constitution.

I had to laugh.

As long as I'm here I want to mention my one other problem. Looks like I could get my vacation canceled - have to work on Halloween. Usually this would be a very big deal for me. But, I haven't had a Lemme talk to me yet. The only one I had talking to me, died. I was considering being Sedgewick for Halloween. But his voice died with him. I thought about Haywood - but he isn't strong enough yet.
I've had only the silliest of ideas come into my head - or the scariest.
Things like a screw in my forehead and going around saying I've been screwed.
Or maybe fingers pulling my skull apart - and complaining of a head ache.
To cut off my Medic ID bracelet and just be someone HIV Negative.
Or making gashes on my arms and going out as an attempted suicide ... dashes on my forearm with 'Cut here - Deep' written in.

Something is wrong in the universe. Maybe it is my loss of hope.

0110.12:15:00

So, I gave myself a bad night ... and he didn't help me any.

After Chinese, I returned the movie. While I was out - I was flirting. I wasn't getting anywhere, and I didn't expect to in the grocery store ... but it was fun. ... I should say, by flirting I mean - stare, make eye contact and smile. Just a way to say 'Hi'.
I left the store, and was thinking about the arcades. I was actually on the highway thinking 'I have an hour before I have to be in bed and Greg isn't going to miss me for a minute.' Then the rest of it began to hit me. The unclean-ness of the place, the smell, the old married men, the degradation. Why should I lower myself to this? To take all the risk of contracting any number of STD's Orally! and get nothing out of the experience (as far as pleasure for myself). I can't be honest there - even if I tried to whisper "I'm HIV positive." through the hole, I'd get about as far as "I -gulp-" before I was shut up by something being put in my mouth. I've seen this before also - this is the one place you do not want to be honest about any STD - they will bolt because it ruins the fantasy.
I started thinking about the old men that I wouldn't have anything to do with there - about the time I got home. I saw Greg playing games on the computer. He hadn't missed me any. I went to the bathroom.
Minor case of diarrhea, hemorrhoid bled a little. I had cotton mouth again (like I said, I'm thirsty all the time) and my lips seemed to be getting ready to chap. I was looking at all the marks and permanent bruises on my legs. I felt very old, and ugly just then. I couldn't think of anyone - including myself - that would want to have sex with someone full of liquid shit, bruised, old, full of medication, and crusty chapped lips now covered in mentholatum to keep them from getting any worse.
How could I ever expect anyone to think of me as attractive now?
I started to cry - and I stopped myself. This is the first time I've done this - but I didn't want Greg to think something was wrong - or not want to deal with me because I was crying.
I had an hour before bed time, but I couldn't find the will to do anything other then go to bed. I wanted to die. I went out and took my Melatonin and watch Greg play his game. I nearly cried again. I needed some human contact. I had to ask, but I didn't want to because I knew he would probably twist it around later into one of those 'psycho-gay stalker just won't leave me alone' things.
"Greg, do you have a second?" I asked and I could hear my voice cracking, and wondered if he noticed. He said yes and got up from the computer to see what I needed. I met him about half way. I was happy he was standing.
"What do you need?" he asked. I fell into him - he was in the process of stretching so his arms where not out.
"I need a hug." I said and tried not to cry again.
"You just wanted a hug?" He chuckled, lowering his arms to kind of pat me on the back.
"No." I said fighting it, "I need a hug." There was a second of silence.
"You smell like medicine." He said.
"I know." I replied, as the line hurt me from the things I had just been thinking about.
"You should go to bed." he said. I knew then I had made him uncomfortable. I pulled away with a 'Thanks' and went to bed.

I had a dream. I was in the same hug. I looked up to Greg and asked,
"Can you ever forgive me?"
"For what?" he said rubbing my back some, "Kicking me out?"
"No." I said, "For being HIV positive."

I woke up.
- Greg just called. He's done with work early. I'm going to go and get him. I'll talk more after I've taken him to the game.

== 17:30

As I typed the time I realized I have to eat and take meds. Give me a minute.

Now I have to ... agreed to, run an errand for Scott. I may never get to write the rest of this if I still intend to make some cartoons tonight.

--

I bought chocolate while I was out. Greg did give me the $35 he owed me. Still wants to take me to a movie tomorrow.

I woke up because I had to pee. I heard Scott on the phone. I went out to see how he was doing. He was not well - very upset again after talking to his girlfriend. I told him it was going to be okay - and he gave me a hug. More like what I was after the first time - he didn't tell me I smelled like medicine, or tell me to go to bed. He did wish me sweet dreams.

It was very foggy in the morning. Kind of like my head.
My day was terrible by all accounts but my own. I didn't have an opinion on it. I just don't care.

These thoughts that come to me ... they are not suicidal. I have defined them as a lack of will. I just don't have the will to live ... or die really.
There are moments - spent with people I care about ... when I have some will.
There are moments - spent with people I care about ... when I have even less then before.
There are moments - spent with myself ... when I am so neutral all it takes is ... anything to shift the balance.
There are moments - spent with myself ... when the loneliness is so overwhelming that no other moment before it matters and I only want it to end.

My most recent Halloween ideas where to be even more reclusive then I am on my Birthday and tell everyone I was -
INVISIBLE
But since I couldn't tell them things - like I was actually there, and just not seen - I would have to say I was -
NOTHING
Both also scare me ... because I might really try to vanish

To all those out there that want to tell me I have so much to live for -
I know. I just don't have what I want to live for ... and that makes a big difference.

I started thinking about the dream. I started thinking about ...
I don't want to point fingers - but the way I phrase this will also account for the fingers that point back at the one pointing ...

I started to think about Devin and all the Hope he wanted to give me, but couldn't.
I started to think about how Greg tried to succeed where Devin failed - but couldn't.
I put so much into the hope that they tried to give me - that I let them ruin me.
The way they often talked to me - I was the best thing in the world. They would do anything for me - except be my lover. They said they wanted to ... but couldn't ... because they couldn't forgive me for being HIV positive.

Maybe I should use the Zen mirror and consider ... I can't forgive myself for being HIV positive.

It's hard. I was like this in my youth. Drowning in my loneliness. But it was because I was in the closet. When I finally told the truth - when I finally found others like myself - when I stopped being ashamed of who I was and told the truth -
I was FREE. I had found it all. I had it. I remember it.
Now, because I tell the truth - I am Drowning in my loneliness again. I have to believe that by not being ashamed - by telling the truth - I can be FREE again.
I have to find more like me ... more that are honest? more that are HIV positive?

My Sangra is wounded. I had a great one around me at first. Then they had to go on with their lives - move away. It is the natural order of things. They are still some of the best support I have - look at the journals for my visits. Overwhelming joy in Texas and in Denver. But, I live here. And I have obviously filled the void they left with some ... lacking people.
I think I'm on the upswing. Trying to recover. I have Ray. ... Scott is walking a thin line, but improving every day.
Since asking him to move, Greg has been improving - but he has a lot to make up for.
I have been distancing myself from the others that have been - unhelpful. Minimizing the damage.

Have I done it in time?
I DON'T KNOW

0110.13

If it wasn't so sad it would be funny.
Had the place to myself. Typical Friday night. I worked on the cartoons like I said I would. I surfed the net for some new porn - didn't find any.
Surfed the net for some other things - trying to catch up on reX. Depressed myself finding out he is + now. Should have kept up on his journals. Maybe I could have helped him out - then ... don't know about now. He's in the process of moving so I may not get a hold him like I would like - but I am going to try.

Was getting ready for bed. I had to look again ... I FOUND MY DILDO!!
I knew what I was going to do next.
Guess what didn't go well.
It was messy - I had to take a lot of care to keep it from hurting - I couldn't keep it up long - I came to soon ...

I am so out of practice - physically unprepared for sex now. I can't believe it.
I remember the days of going all night long - clean - no rude noises ...

Had dreams about Greg keeping secrets from me that he was posting on the web.

I woke up because I had a bloody nose. Good thing - I forgot to set my alarm. I was a half hour late waking up. Lots of cursing and getting ready in a hurry.
I was at the computer checking e-mail when Greg came home from his games. He didn't like the way the games went - his character died. He went to bed, I went to work.
Everything kept going wrong at work also. I still just didn't care. So, it isn't like I had a bad day. I just did my job. I presented some options for the vacation problem. My boss said he didn't have a problem giving me the day off on Halloween - he just didn't want me gone the days before inventory. We talked over the options.

Greg is supposed to take me to a movie today - and by the snacks. I'm going to wait for him to say something. I'm not going to push this. It is almost 'Date-like' and I don't want him to feel any obligations. Not even that he has to do this to pay me back.
I have plenty of money right now. I got my 'allowance' from Mom, Greg's money that he paid me back, the money from the job and the comic books. I feel rich ... but my bank account will argue with you about that conclusion.

Really - I can't tell if I'm laughing or crying.

=== 23:30

All I have to say, is the argument was over something stupid and trivial - and I would not let it go, until Greg got up and locked himself in his room. I tried to apologize through the door - but he wouldn't listen. So, I e-mailed him this.

Greg,

I'm sorry.

You obviously don't know how much things like this really piss me off -
I obviously don't know how much it means to you that you do it.

There is only one other thing I wanted clear.
You are not being kicked out because you want privacy - or because of the way you treat me.

You where asked to leave because of the lies you continue to tell - not only to me but to everyone else.
I asked you to leave because I can't understand why you do it - and I can't get you to explain. These lies are often about me, they effect me, and they change from person to person.

Truly, I want to be your friend. When I originally let you move in, I felt this would effect our friendship. Obviously it has. I asked you to leave because I want to salvage what we have left. I hope we can.

I don't want to fight. In fact I try to avoid it. It literally makes me ill when it happens.
I'm sorry - I don't want to be angry - I don't want to fight.

I am most sorry for the accusation that you only pretend to be my friend - it was uncalled for ... and I think meant to make you defend your friendship ... just so I might understand.

For all of this, I'm sorry. And I won't bring it up again unless you want.
I leave my life open to you and I trust things will work out in the end.

He didn't take me to a movie today. After it was to late to go, we talked about it. I told him I was not going to badger him about going. I didn't want him to do it out of a sense of obligation. I want him to do it because he wants to.

I'm not going to let him now. I think it is an obligation to him. I think it borders in his brain on a date that he doesn't want to go through with. I will go to movies with him - but I won't let him pay for me.

Before I say anything else that I will regret - I think I'm going to bed.

0110.14

Okay, it's a weird day already.
Last night is there. New Halloween idea, I could cover myself in brown goo, and go out as a pile of shit. Then I woke up to realize I had two lunch 'dates' with Ray and Brian (T). I combine them with no problem. I checked e-mail. Ray's cartoons.

Then we chose Chinese for lunch. I get screwed in the fortune cookies again.
Ray's - Save important decisions for the last days of the month.
Brian's - It is up to you to make your own adventures.
I was afraid to open mine. I did.

Unexpected romantic and financial gifts
surprise and delight you!

I'd have been fine with out the romantic part of it. Thing is ... I could see this kind of stuff as a Greg apology. Don't want that. Ray had to point out then, that Scott and his girlfriend, and Greg and I have the same relationship. It's a domination game - on and off again.

Getting ready to consider a movie with Ray and Brian. Can't figure out where this day is going to go.
Yet last night I was deep in the mental drama of ... No - not going to scare readers with this, because it was a mental drama not an actual thought.

== 19:20

I could met someone new in the next few days. It could be them. I also take into consideration that I did find my dildo again - but I can't see it giving me financial gifts. Ray joked that I might actually go into prostitution - that would cover them both.

I've been broken too badly here recently. I'm afraid that the first person that lays me will have my undying love and devotion regardless of how he treats me. - hell, once again - look at how Devin and Greg never even gave it up to me and I held on to just the hope of it.

We had some great conversation today. We where going to see a movie - but missed the opening time. Killed about two hours just talking. Ray left, Brian and I invited Greg along to see a movie with us.
Went and saw 'Zoolander' - zero brain activity - funny for it's stupidity and the fact that there are some really great cameo appearances by some really big names.
Brian told me some very special things. Made me realize just how good a friend he really is. Also made me think about Brian (C) and Tish. I have a lot of really good friends that I need to make contact with again.
Repair the Sanga.

0110.16

I couldn't wait .... I spent the last of the money in my wallet and got some groceries - - WITH THE PURPLE KETCHUP!!!! This stuff is so cool!
I had hot dogs and tater tots with it. It looks so ...gross - in the coolest way! I love this stuff.

Greg took Scott and I out to dinner. We went to the Pad. It was really nice. I thanked him for it about twice. Probably will again. It was just really nice of him to do for no real reason.
Forgot to copy the cartoons and mail them. I'll have to put them in the car while I'm thinking about it for tomorrow.

That is all I really wanted to talk about. Purple ketchup - and dinner. Getting ready to watch 'Smallville' premiere.

See, I get really depressed then something as simple as purple ketchup can make me ecstatic.

==

Don't know how it got started - talking about cock rings. Took my old one out (off my coat). Scott had never tried one - put mine on and liked it - so we went and bought him one at Priscilla's.
Just before we left on this mission - old friend called me for some more HIV advice. We talked about 40 minutes while I had to deal with giving Scott directions on how to get the ring on right with out hurting himself.

Only missed the first 5 or 10 minutes of 'Smallville', but it's also on tape. I liked the show alot.

0110.17

It almost seems that now Greg is moving out, he is talking to me more. And it seems that I am making more apologies to him - as he finally tells me things. I just e-mailed him this.

I'm sorry but I'm not - so I have to figure out how to say this right.
Never say you are sorry for what you have done, only the damage it caused. In this way you can guide your life, instead of repair it.

I'm not sorry that I let you affect my life as much as you have. I cherished ever minute of it good and bad.
I'm not sorry that my life is an open book for people to read. I'm not sorry I'm so honest about the things that I do, and feel - even about other people or how I interact with them.

I am sorry that you found your involvement in my life, a threat to your privacy.

That was never my intention. It hurts me to know that you don't talk to me, because you think that everything you say will end up in the journals.
Truly, I feel that I didn't discuss your life on the web. Only the way you affected my life. You ended up there more then most, because you have meant that much to me. You affected my life - and I hope you aren't sorry for that … I'm not.

I will once again look at the things that I write and try not to include things that you feel will be an invasion of your private life, a display of the things that you do, or of the things that you say. But that will be very hard, because in many cases that would make it seem as if you have been cut from life and I don't want that to happen.

I am sorry that the openness of my life has caused you to close yourself off, or to feel insecure in any way.

I hope that one day you can forgive me for this. Not for who I am, what I do, or how I feel but for the hurt my being caused you.

I will try harder to respect the life you want protected.

0110.19

I don't even know where to begin.
Shopping for food with Greg.
Conversation about what goes in here. He doesn't care because he doesn't read it - he doesn't like to be here. Wishes it could just be - I have a friend named Greg - end of story. I saw Greg today - end of story. Greg and I talked today - end of story. I looked at him and said,
"Even then, it would be to much for you - wouldn't it?"
"Yup." he replied laughing.
I pointed out that if he just talked to me about his life and the things going on - he would be mentioned just like everyone else. I saw them today, we talked - end of story. It isn't until he tries to hide things from me, lie to me, pit me against others, slander me, involve me in huge drama's - that I have to write about him in detail.
"Just something to think about." I said.

He talked about calling in and maybe going with me to Manhattan on Tuesday. I don't think I'm going to take him, just because he will want to look up old friends, that he won't introduce me to and will either try to get very drunk, or laid. I'm just not going to be the chauffer. Besides, maybe if I go alone - I could get lucky.
"Besides, you shouldn't have called in the day you stayed up all night with Scott - you just used your sprain foot as an excuse." I said. "If you do this, that is three times in a month you called in."
"They love me there." He replied.
"Haven't you learned by now that they can love you and still do the best thing for them - and you. Like take away your car, your house, through you out of an apartment ... and still love you." Maybe it was mean of me, but it had to be said.

Freddy Kruger was in my dreams. Really. I wasn't threatened - but he wasn't nice.

Today wouldn't end. I couldn't get out of work. Not only did everyone just keep showing up late - keeping me there to the point I called Ray to tell him that I was going to be at least another 20 minutes late meeting him for lunch - before I left, they asked me to come back and help build shelves in the freezer.
"I have to go back to work after lunch Ray."
"Why?"
"Because I am stupid and poor."
"Understandable." he said with a smile.
We had bad service. I was trying to relax. It seemed to me that Ray was just winding up for work.

I went back. The guy I was helping said we would be done by 3:30. I didn't believe him when I saw the project at hand. But he said he had to leave then - he rides the bus. I said I had to leave then also - pick up my room mate from work. I didn't count on someone that works as hard as I do - and knows what he's doing. We where done by 3:35. He missed his bus - I gave him a ride home.
I rushed across town to get Greg.
I pulled into the parking lot and saw him sitting on the steps with all his tools.

He asked if he could stay until he found another job.
I told him I had to think about that.

I want to write about more - but somehow I do think that would cross a line - even though it is all about the way I feel. My perceptions of the situation. What I think. Nothing to do with Greg - other then he is what I perceive, feel, and think about.

I drown my doubts at the arcades after I dropped him off at the game.
These are the facts. End of story.

... so much more.
Going to work on the down time report some more. No game tomorrow as I thought. I will have more time to polish it up.

0110.21

I don't know how much of this I'm going to get through.

Greg and I went to a movie. I gave Greg his ticket. I got the ticket back from Greg. Greg and I went to the movie.
End of story for Greg - the rest of the story is mine.

Took a bit of a lesson from Ray that day. Ray was relating another story of his wife finding trouble and he bailing her out of it. It basically ended with (paraphrased) "So, I called the Lawyer."
"Oh!" I said. "You didn't even grab the gun, you just fired the cannon didn't you!" He smiled and grin.

Lunch with Mom. Told her about my situation with Greg - She exclaimed that she had only one word to say, but she put it in a sentence.
"Have you ever heard the word - Manipulation?" I told her this implies he lost the job on purpose. I truly don't think this is true. But, I was asking my friends and family what they thought I should do.
The karma of this has hit me. This is very much like what Greg did to me when I asked him for a date. 'I kind of know the answer but I want to talk to some people before I make up my mind.' I have no intention of stringing him along for weeks. In fact, I have - like he - told him to assume the answer is no until I tell him differently.
Ate so much I couldn't keep my eyes open. I wanted to. I had plans. Pay bills, work on Cartoons, finish the down time report, really wanted to see a movie --
Checked the movies and times from the net. 'From Hell' opened. Really wanted to see that. It was, at the time I looked, 2:05 and the first movie started at 2:00. The next one listed was at 5:00. I went to bed. Figured I'd get up around 4:15 and eat something, then I would have a full stomach for meds at the theater. Took a nap. Woke up early because Mike called to give me his new address. Ate something. Went to the movie. Forgot my wallet. Went back for my wallet. Went to the movie. Forgot my meds. Bought the tickets. Very expensive. ... Wait, they say the movie was at 4:00 - and I just bought tickets for the 6:45 showing (no longer a twilight show). I complained - the clerk told me they don't have control over the information on the website. Well, at least now I have time to go home and get my meds. When I was home, I looked up the stuff on the web again - I didn't miss read it. It said 5:00pm - twilight show. I print it out. I took it back with me. I then went to the counter with the tickets and asked to see the manager. A group of 'kids' there in uniform. The clerk asked if she could help me - I said she could listen to the story if she wants, but the decision that has to be made will be managerial - I'd like to tell the story only once. One of those 'kids' then held up his hand and fessed up to being the manager in charge.
I showed him the print out of the website. I showed him my tickets that show they where bought AT 17:00. I explained I planed my day around and bust my ass to get there for the 5pm show. All things considered, I can wait to see the movie - but what I want is a refund of the difference between the tickets I bought, and the tickets I went out of my way to buy. He explained, they don't have control over the content of the web information - it is done from a corporate level. I then pointed out that this is their theater, it is listed on the web - address, name, movies and times. If it is done from a corporate level then they should match what they print - or communicate with corporate so they post the correct times. I reiterate, All I want is to be charged for twilight show tickets, which according to the tickets I did by - and the internet - I was here to buy on time. He was nodding his head in agreement with me, but seemingly weighing a way to make it happen. So, I made a suggestion.
"I don't care how I get this difference from you. Cash, gift certificate or even just credit at your concession stand since that is where I would be spending that money anyway." That he agreed to. Four dollars credit at the concession stand.
We saw the movie. It wasn't all that great - but it was very interesting. I just felt good about being able to stand up, and support my desires for fair business.

Our plans for the rest of the evening kind of fell through. I was nice to just be able to sit around with my room mates for a change.

One of the things that happened was that someone came to the door asking to use the phone for help. I was not the one that answered the door - I couldn't see who was about to come in, as my room mates just made the decision to help him.
I am all for helping people in need. But the guy that then came into the house - holding a beer - just gave me all the wrong vibes. I have been beaten and robbed once before - I really don't want to let it happen again. The only thing making me semi-comfortable is that it was currently 3 to 1. But even Scott said he got a bad vibe, and thought he might be a 'scoper' looking to see if we had enough to rob. He used the phone. I stayed as the others went to help him with his car problems. Evidently the problem was real - so that was at least true. He came back to use the phone again for a cab. This time however he tried to venture further into the house. I then had a talk with the boys while he was gone. I am happy to help. We can use the phone for him - but I don't want him in the house again. And this kind of situation should be avoided in the future. We all agreed.
The other thing that made me semi-relieved about the situation; They where here. As much as the guy was giving me a bad vibe ... I kind of found him attractive. Had I been here alone - I might have still let him in. I would have been alone and a perfect target ... again. Loneliness has the potential to make me a victim.

Scott's ex-girlfriend came over early in the morning after I had gone to bed. For a change, they where quite enough for me to have not noticed she was here until I walked out to take my meds. at 5:30am. I went back to bed. The quite ended.
Scott took advantage of the now nixed rules. So did I really. Three times a piece.
I think I'll leave it at that.

Down time report - going to try and finish it.

0110.22

I told myself that Greg's actions over the next few days as well as what others advise me, depends on the answer he is going to get about saying here. I haven't told Greg this - I don't want him doing things intentionally to sway me. I want to see what he does on his own.
I know what my answer is - No.
I know what I want my answer to be - Yes.
So far, no one thinks my answer is wrong - and Greg is not doing a lot to win any favors from me.
I gave him my afternoon for job hunting. I bought him a paper. He was still asleep when I came home. When I returned from the Doctor's he told me there are no maintenance positions open - so there is no where for me to take him. I asked if he is only going to apply for maintenance jobs - he said he is only going to apply for good paying jobs. So I asked where else he wanted to go - I even made some suggestions.

I'm still sitting here.

Tried to pick up meds. Insurance won't let me go through TAP any more. They have set it up to go directly back to the pharmacy (what I tried to do the first time I did this - the pharmacy said no). Now the pharmacy has to wait on the insurance company to answer them. I couldn't get meds. I have to go back tomorrow.
Tomorrow I also go to K-State (Manhattan) to talk to a class about HIV. I'm hoping I can get the meds before then. I need them by Wednesday. I called them in on Thursday.
Got my flu shot and a bunch of blood drawn.

Trying to hold off on eating until I have to take my meds. I am hungry. Which is good, then I can have a big dinner and sleep well.

I'm going back to the down time report. I keep running into snags. I should have it posted soon. It will have an Adult warning on it once again. Down time report or Cartoons. Maybe both. I guess I could fill out the State application again. (I think that was funny. I applied at the beginning of the month. Hadn't heard back from them yet. Yesterday, in the mail I got a letter from them saying - since I have been a member of the team before they look forward to having me again - here is an application to fill out ... hiring begins in January. At least now I know.)

0110.24

I'm sick, and I know why.
It doesn't seem to matter at all how many times I explain there are physical repercussions for me if I don't get my sleep - they still stay up all night making noise. I'm tired of hearing apologies and promises that it won't happen again, only to have it happen again. Scott more then Greg - in fact, I think Scott provokes Greg to stay up and to be loud.
Twice now Scott has woke me up by making his girlfriend moan (yes - still banging her on the couch). Which is another thing that I brought up with Scott the other day. She has been here about three days straight now.
"Scott, I have two room mates - not Three."
She has been eating here, sleeping here, using the computer -

I have decided now that I can't do this either. Scott is going to get his one month notice.

I don't have any privacy. I don't have any time to myself. I don't have any money. I'm not even getting any basic friendship from these two. I'm just the hotel.

I haven't given up anything that I didn't give up willingly. I just don't have anything more to give up - Except my health and my sanity ... I'm not willing to give that up yet.

Well, maybe I can wake Greg up laughing at the same movie they played last night while I was trying to sleep. Then he can look at the paper I brought him and maybe even try to apply at even one job today.
I'm feeling a little bit mean after the day I had at work with this sore throat and headache.

=== 16:55

Well, he did wake up. He did ask me to take him around for applications. I made him give me a dollar for the papers I've been buying him.
He only picked up applications. Bought some stuff. Guess he'll fill them out when he wants and ask me to take him back around to submit them.
end of story - 

Lets talk about the one bright spot in my past couple of days. Manhattan. Talking to the class at K-State.
I was able to get out of the city for awhile, leave my troubles behind. I was able to do something I enjoy doing - with an intelligent group of students. Good questions, lots of understanding. They gave me a K-State mug - I filled it up before I left town. They also asked me to come back for a panel discussion in mid-November. It will be in unison with a showing of the AIDS quilt and be part of the awareness for World AIDS day (December 1st).
And then there was all the good looking men around the campus and Aggieville.
It was a nice afternoon out.

Only to return to Hell ... I know ... Drama Queen.

0110.26

I haven't been posting for awhile, because I don't like to have the web say anything I haven't said in person yet. I didn't want to post my debates on if Greg could stay or not. I didn't want to have it said here that I am thinking about asking Scott to move - without having talked to him first.
It is Friday - Greg has yet to submit even one application. He isn't staying no matter what anyone says. Of which, I haven't heard from my brother on that yet. So far, I am the kindest person to Greg on this subject - followed only by Ray. I wrote about my mother's reply - Scott's was not much better.
Only Ray asked me what I thought, and why - and agreed with the premises and support the idea with a few comments of his opinion.

Scott disappeared for a day. I thought he was at his on-again girlfriends. Just giving me a break because he knew I was tired of being woke up and having her here. Only after Greg kept me awake one night trying to be quite, did he finally tell me that while I was at work, they fought loud and furious. She left, he cried (and Greg would not check on him - that isn't him) and then he left. Now I was worried.
He went to his Mom's. Stayed there a night. Came home a 'new man' as it was. He still woke me several times in the night - again - truly trying to make the effort to be quite and failing. He assures me that it is really over between them - but it has been so several times in the past.

The real reason I'm writing now is that Scott has done what I always feared would happen. The computer has crashed. I'm on the laptop. Saved this page just in time. The e board won't read now. 'Socket initialization failed error 10014' with 'run time error in kernel 32.dll' and programs unable to open or run because of errors. It seems as if the computer can come on and maybe run an application or two - then it locks up completely. That is how I saved this page and moved it to the laptop. I'm hoping I can transfer this back and upload it before it locks up again - then at least everything is on the net. And I can apologize for not having said a few things in person before they went to the net.
Then I can worry about if my computer has been damaged - IF it was something Scott did (and even though it may not be direct ... he does ALOT of downloading - re-arranging - hacking - experimenting - etc. All of which I think can slowly hurt or overload a computer. All it I have asked him not to do.)
Like I have said ... I'm tired of being told I'm sorry - that it won't happen again - and having it happen again.

Tracie and I are going to get together for lunch. We have not had a lot of personal contact. Most of it has been alternately friendly to combative e-mails (you've seen some of them). A lot of it is the way everyone has been pit against everyone else - all the lies, sorting out truths. She made the suggestion to met face to face to work out some issues between us so we can get on a stable relationship - hopefully a good one.
I have told her that one of my concerns about our meeting is that I will hide nothing - but I do believe that both Greg and Scott will be paranoid about it and do sneaking things to find out what is going on. Since nothing will be hidden - things will be made up. I'm just not sure I want to deal with it ... but then again, maybe it won't happen.

Greg can do this - he is ready. I'm not doing it to be mean - I am doing it because I love him and want to repair our friendship - not because I want to get rid of him.

==

I just had this talk with Greg. I have told him his deadline stands. He says he understands - I don't know if he does. I hope he does. It's time to take him to his game. I'll write when I get back maybe.

==

You know - its been a day of computer failure. The hand held at work was completely screwed. My day was all messed up because of it.
Now this.
I just went and saved Haywood's down time report. One that just keeps growing. ICC (the national convention for the LARP games) had some bigger then normal repercussions for our game. My character is completely screwed now.
Thinking about writing that. Thinking about writing something else ... scarier. Thinking about going to the arcades, or the park. Thinking about going to rent a movie (I have a coupon for a free rental).

Lots of thinking.

cleaning off the disk I saved these files on ... found the pictures of Greg's new look again ...I'm having a really hard time letting go ... of him.

0110.28

Daylight savings time is messing things up for me. What time is it? When do I take my meds?

Ray came over and fixed the computer. Looks like someone used the hole in the firewall for the web cam to break in and fuck things up. 'We' spent the day reinstalling, scanning, defraging, saving, etc. To fix the whole, the camera has been turned off until I can figure out how to get it done (Scott was the one that spearhead that last time. He set it up and got it to work as well as it did. Which was never as well as either of us wanted.) This time, I am going to work with the project so I know what is going on.
It may not have been the result of any of the messing around Scott had been doing or the attention he has been drawing to this computer - so I'm going to let it drop for now ... but I am still watching the computer - and the amount of times I lose sleep. I haven't told Scott he is moving yet, but I have mentioned that I am thinking of it.

Ray and I spent some time in Lawrence - CD searching, and dinner - while the computer was trying to fix it's self. It is still acting a little weird.

Took Greg to his Sabbat game last  night. Was hoping to run into the two other players that may be staying Cam - but didn't. As I was leaving - the guy that was helping with the Drunks at the last Cam party (Greg's non-existent night), asked if he could come with me (just for future reference I'll call him M3). I said sure, and he and I spent the night talking - and he helped me solve two of the FreeCell games I had been stuck on.
Rodger and L brought Greg home. Scott came back from his 'party' with two friends. We practically had a party here. It didn't last long. Rodger took L and M3 home. Greg's friends had a curfew. We talked a little while and then I went to bed. I think Greg did a bit later, Scott is going to bed just now.

Okay - time to go home to the other computer. Good night laptop.

== 19:00

Sometimes, you have to hear the things you don't want to. Sometimes they have to beg, or plead. Sometimes, you knew it, and you just didn't want to hear it, but you had to.
"Saratonin regulators, depression, Antidonia is a physical problem, not a mental one." and I listen, with out hearing - I didn't want to. I can feel happiness - it is just very brief and fleeting right now. But there have been those days when ... Nothing is wrong, but I just am not happy either.
"I see you doing your best impression of Bret." and it bothered me that it was said, but I knew what he meant - I just didn't believe it. I am me, lonely depressed me. I am not doing an impression of it ... but maybe I am trying to do an impression of me happy to keep everyone else off my case.
"You take medication for HIV - You take vitamins for your body - Why not feed your mind what it needs? It isn't cheating!" the last sentence resounds in my head. But I never liked taking meds. I never have. I think ...
Sometimes I think I only take meds. to keep everyone else happy. To make them think I am making an effort to stay alive - when in fact, they really think I am going to die any second. Taking meds. makes them think I may not die tomorrow. They treat me more like I'm alive, because I take meds. Yet every time I take them, I am reminded that I am sick. I buy into their lies.
"I am making moves to make myself happier." I said. I meant it also. I even listed the things that I am doing.
"But they don't take care of the big two." He pointed out to me.
"What? HIV and lonely?" I said.
"HIV and horny." he said. I weighed it out in my head. I was willing to let it slide for the sake of hearing his recommendations. But it also resound in my head. Is it really only that? ... no, but it is a big factor.
"It wasn't until I've seen you two interact more that I made the observation -" he said at one point, "But whether he admits it or not he has been looking for a father figure, and you just don't sleep with your father."
And I thought about it. I frequently told him I'm not his parents - yet, I took him in, provided everything, demanded nothing, and professed love to him. He pushed every paternal, maternal, instinct I have. He lead me on with them. I did it out of love. If I couldn't have his love, I wanted to be his friend. He didn't want me as one - doesn't want me as one ... but I can't be this to him.
During our talk, he called me Greg, once. He stopped and looked at me. He explained later, it wasn't until that moment he realized it. He wasn't calling me Greg ... he was calling me Greg. A friend he grew up with, went to war with. I've heard the stories. I know what he meant to him. I was kind of honored to know - he felt I have kind of taken that place in his life - that he relates to me on the level he used to relate to him on.
My next thought - I would die before long, and he would have to go through that again. And I didn't want him to lose that kind of a friend again.
I suddenly didn't want the responsibility. I began to shut down. I wanted to prove everything else wrong.

He sat in my car quite with his arms crossed. I knew this would happen. I was hoping it wouldn't. Body language - he was closed off to me. He had no interest in conversation, in friendship. He was being taken to a movie, I was paying for it. I didn't ask for anything for it. And the radio slapped me with the lyrics - once there, once on the way back. 

It's not like you to say you're sorry,
I was expecting a different story,
I must have been mistaken,
When I told you my heart was breakin',
I've been wrong,
I've been to the bottom,
Of every bottle,
And these five words,
Keep screaming in my head-
Are we having fun yet?
And this is how you remind me,
Of what I really am to you.

-?- I don't know who sings it, or what it is called.

Remembering back to a night he said no more hugs, not for anyone. To many take it the wrong way. I knew someone burned him again. I had an idea who - but I knew he wouldn't tell me - lie to me if I pressed it.
Listening to him talk to his friends on the phone now. I can never be this, he won't let me. I can't be want he wants. I don't think he realizes how much he is flirting with her - even though he doesn't think he is. But, no hugs - maybe she won't read to much into what he says and how he says it.
Just like he did for me so long ago.

"Just try it." Rings in my head. "You can break the cycle. You might be surprised how much will change." He explained what I already knew. People pick up on things. You unconsciously read people - body language, inflection, vibrations if you want. If I was happier - people might want to know me, take the chance I have asking for. "If you can break the cycle, and feel the happiness - the reward cycle can kick in again. You can enjoy things and be mindful of the bad things." I am mindful of the bad things. I have been very mindful of what is happening to me. I am trying to break the cycles - the perceptions - the prejudices. I am 'in your face' Bret ... because all I want is to be happy and excepted for who I am. Good and bad.

On the way back, I was thinking about the day he will be leaving. I almost cried. I knew I couldn't. Not with him in the car. Not where he couldn't run away from it, or ignore it. Yet, I would have liked to have done it, so maybe he would realize just how much he means to me. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "I am not your Father." but I know he would only nod his head and say "I know." and continue to treat me just the same.

I am mindful of my situation. Honestly.
I am making the efforts to make me well - and I don't want to have to 'cheat' with a pill ... even though I do know it isn't cheating. But this time, I want to take it because I want to, not because others do. I am mindful of this conflict - and I am working on treading this line.
I think therapy is the first step. An informed opinion on whether it is just my mind - or my minds body.

Drama-tazation

He came home from work. Work was taking more and more out of him. He felt it was wearing him thin - just like like his uniform. His head hurt. He knew it was the medication he took, but it was something he always said was an acceptable side effect over the alternatives. He sat down at the computer, his only friend, and realized how much his feet hurt. No one would be home tonight. No one to talk to, no one to ask to rub his neck for the pain - even though he knew he would be turned down. He felt the whole 'he's gay so he must be coming on to me' thing was wearing thin. So was the fact that it frequently occurred to him that it wasn't because they thought it was a come on, but that he was HIV positive and thus poisonous. All he wanted was the touch of a friend to help relieve some pain.
Tonight, he took some aspirin. He doesn't usually take it. He knew it didn't work the same for him. He knew the headache was from medication. He just wanted the pain to go away until bed time. He took five. Not a lot, but more then he should have. At least he didn't have to take it with food. He could stay thinner. Tired of eating for medications, tired of not eating for medications. Tired of worrying about his weight and how attractive he looked.
He opened the freezer, thinking about some ice cream. Something filling, pleasing, rewarding, something he could kind of cheat with and still feel good. He found his room mates bottle of vodka.
Alcohol. He never drank before. Kept thinking maybe he should, once, before he dies, just to see what it's like. He had listened to the peer pressure for his entire life. He knew he didn't need it. If he did it now, no one would know he had and it wouldn't be peer pressure. It could just be a secret. But he didn't want to do it because he was tired and depressed. Which he was. But when does everyone else do it? This was a perfect example when everyone else misuses alcohol, why not do it when everyone else does it?
He took the cold bottle in his hand. No one would know. It wouldn't be a crutch. One time wouldn't make him an alcoholic. He took a drink and shivered from head to toe. He took the bottle with him, back to the computer. He turned it on. He took a drink while all the programs loaded. It made him wince. He didn't feel any different. He wondered how much he would have to drink before he was actually drunk. He wondered how much he would have to drink before he got sick. He wondered which would come first. He took another drink. All the excuses started to seem thinner.
No one was on line. There was no mail.
He surfed his porn sites. He left the computer feeling unsatisfied.
Maybe a warm bath would make him feel better. He took the bottle with him.
Naked, and soaking in hot water with a frozen bottle in his hand. Feeling relaxed. Not so much of a headache anymore. Feeling thin enough to float ... away ... forever.
He started to fantasize again. The same fantasies he always has. Same fantasy, different faces ... and flavor. Someone walks into his room. Sometimes they are drunk, sometimes they are just horny, he likes the times they suddenly realize they have been blind and how much he really means to them. Reason doesn't matter, they all eventually walk over - put out the meat, and I gratify them orally. Sometimes it leads to more. Sometimes, the fantasy is stopped ... by reality.
He looked up to the sink, and saw his razor.
HIV. Platelets. Aspirin. Alcohol. Hot water.
His blood must be so thin now it would be non-existent. One cut, he would be gone. He would have to be careful getting out of the tub. He could slip. One bump, and he could be gone. He took another drink. He would have to be careful not to fall asleep in the water. He could be gone.
He was tired of being careful. He was tired of being lonely. He was tired of having his loneliness taken advantage of. He was tired of being ... yeah, that about sums it up. He took another drink ... and wondered if it was kicking in yet.
The medications. The aspirin. The alcohol. The bath ... any of it.
Wondered what the dreams would be like. If there where dreams. If there was a white tunnel.
Who would find him? What would they do? If it was his room mates, they would probably try to save him so he could go to work the next day and continue to support them. It's not like they would have missed anything other then his money or his 'hospitality', or his computer.
Maybe tomorrow he would call a therapist ... or at least his doctor ... if there was a tomorrow.
He ... drank ... some ... more ... and ... got ... thinner ...
He drew the curtain on the shower closed.

0110.29

Today was ... long.
I went back to work to help with the inventory. I called home at 3pm to make sure Scott woke and made it to work. He did. Greg asked me if I was going to be late like this all week. Only the two days I told him, why? Well, he wanted to turn in those job applications.
Maybe it was just me - but I felt like he was trying to make me feel guilty for not being there to cater to his needs. That I was at work earning money instead of helping him find a long overdue job for himself.

Thinking about the things that Ray has said. I don't believe it is as bad as he thinks.
But, I am also in the middle of it. I am bias in this perception. And I have to second guess myself on this because I DO believe in the love and care that not only he, but a few other friends have expressed. Then I also read things like my Drama ... and I have to wonder ... how close is it really from thought to action.
From my stand point ... MILES. But ... I have to consider, how often have these thoughts occurred? Not in years.

I had to stop and think - When was the last time I was truly happy? When was the last time I can really remember being full of life and enjoying it.
The day I was given that rose. Small hops after that. But that was the last time I felt it. I've been holding on to it.

I was talking to Scott this morning. We talked about a lot of things. Some of it was Greg.
Scott told me that Greg had said to him that he doesn't understand how our friendship could get better if he moved out. That if he left, he wasn't coming back.
I had suspected that he was lying when he said he understood. I suspected that Greg would run away from me - bitter and angry - never to return.
I had only one thought about that. It isn't my loss.
If you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if not, it never was.
If this is what Greg does, then it only shows me that he never did care. He was only using me - and now that I am done, and I will not be what he wants - then he will not have anything to do with me. He hasn't treated me like a friend for a long time (not my idea of one - or his ... he doesn't talk to me like he does his other friends, or flirt with me like others. he treats me completely differently. I think I have to face the reality of the facts - he treats me like I'm a parent. ... and I have stepped into the role, all the way down to kicking him out of the house for his own good.) This isn't my loss - it's his.

Doesn't make it any easier.

I told Scott that if Greg thinks I'm bluffing - he should back up and read how I kicked out Nick. I will do it. I will not like it. I will sit in my room and cry about it, but it will be done.

Scott and I also talked about how he frequently acts like Greg. And once again, how his manipulations are just more blunt and easily seen. I pointed some of the out to him. He hadn't noticed them.
Most of the things I pointed out are all the things he's done to push Greg out of here. Things which I have seen and intentionally ignored. I didn't say, but it was my intention to show - that my decisions about Greg where independent of his manipulations to push him out.

Tomorrow, I stay late at work. Then I go to Lawrence and have lunch with Tracie.

I don't know what I wanted to say here. I think more then anything - I just wanted to allay some fears people may have reading this.
These journals are the worst of me. I through it out here so I don't carry it around with me.

Dad called me at work.

I have had some lemme's fail ... and I have another coming to the surface ... lets see if it can breath for even a day.

0110.31

Tracy and I met for dinner at 5pm in Lawrence. At 8:45 I had to go home. I haven't talked like that to anyone for a very long time.
Yet, in my sleep, I died.
Nothing changed. I still got up and showered. I ate breakfast - my Room mates where at the computer ... downloading porn. They didn't get off the computer like they would have if I was alive. They did point at well endowed men and say, "I bet Bret would like that."
I watched over them - like a ghost should.
Until I had to go to work.

"Mommy? What is he supposed to be?" the little child asked pointing in my direction. I like children, they can see better.
"I don't know. Ask him." She said, staring at the beef slices.
"What are you supposed to be?" the child asked in a whisper with a smile.
"I am my own Ghost." I said smiling back.
"What's a ghost?" the child asked looking me over.
"A ghost," I said thinking for a moment, "A ghost is the memory of a person walking around and pretending to be alive."
"oh." the child said. The mother put the steak down and looked up. She jumped when she saw me.
"Oh! You got me!" she said smiling back at me.
"Mommy? Why where you scared?" the child asked.
"Because he looks scary."
"He looks pale, not scary."
"He looks dead, honey. That's scary." she said starting to wheel the cart away.
"Why is dead scary?" the child asked and I couldn't hear the reply that followed.

"Why don't you have on a sheet or something?" One of the night crew asked.
"Not all ghosts are vague." I said. "Some of us just repeat the patterns we did when we where alive. That's why I'm at work."

People noticed me more out of the corner of their eye. Looking at me head on, just seemed normal.
"You look terrible." They said to me.
"I feel fine. Maybe a little dead on my feet." I said smiling at them. "Dead tired really." I said grinning away.
"Poor guy." They said. "Like he doesn't even know."
What? That I'm dead. I feel more alive dead then you do in a day. You skin bags don't know what it is like to be alive. I'm dead and I remember it well. I'm tired of being dead to you. I'm going to walk around Haunting you until you realize that life is more then the appearance of your physical health.

So - does anybody have anything to say to my spirit, now that I'm dead?
"Nope" Greg said. Then asked me to sign my soul over to him by contract. I did. It's only fair - he has the rest of me.
"Dude, that is just sick and twisted. Don't ask me that." Scott.

Pictures -
  ... Greg won't give me a copy of the contract I signed. Deals with the Devil always go bad.

=================================

© October 2001 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)