Recent journal Entries
© August 2001 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

0107.01

Yesterday, I saw a wasp carrying a katydid through the air. I was amazed by the sight of it flying past my car. Hard for me to describe all the things I felt. The power. The strength of the wasp. The ... cruelty of it. The natural order of it. The contrast of colors - the black of the wasp, the bright green of the katydid, the blue of the sky, the white of my car. The grace, and power of the wasp as he carried it through the air ... the katydid had to be twice his size! ... the submission of the katydid - I wondered if he was already dead.

It reminded me a bit of the time I saw a Hawk swoop down out of the sky and take the snake right off the road before I hit it. It was almost funny ... I was driving along when I saw something waving about in the road. As I got closer I realized it was a snake crossing the road. I didn't want to hit it. I yelled out,
"Hurry! Get out of the road!" and just as I did, from seemingly out of nowhere - this Hawk swooped down in front of my car. I thought I was going to hit them both now - but the Hawk had the writhing snake in his talons and was carrying it off into the sky.
"That isn't what I meant!" I yelled up to the snake.

Greg and I cooked last night. We made spaghetti. He was responsible for the sauce, I for the pasta and the garlic bread. He did better then I did - but the meal was great. Then I took him to his troupe game. I got to talk to ricE for a minute before I left (He said he would come by today - haven't seen him yet - don't think I'm going to). I stopped over at Melissa's (I was going to get something okayed on my character, but she wasn't there). As I was getting ready to leave - I saw the wasp.

Such a fleeting moment - and it left such an impression.

Kind of like the panel discussion in Emporia. Viewing the AIDS Quilt.
Then recently, I read the obituary for the woman that was also on that panel. Maybe obituary isn't the right word - death notice ... eulogy maybe ...
I was having a hard time remembering her name (I'm not good with names). But as I read this, I knew it was her. I didn't know her, but I did ... know her. The more I read about her, the more I was sure that this was her.
So many mixed feelings. Like yelling out one thing, and getting the end result in a way you never expected. Like seeing a marvel of nature in bright colors. A wasp that just carries the katydid away.
Someone else that didn't hide HIV. Someone that wanted to help others understand. To prevent the spread and help people live. What does it get you - a really nice eulogy?

... actually it gets memories that influence people. Moments that may have been brief, but you are remembered by ... remembered for.
I mourn. I smile. I remember. I have joy. I have hope. I marvel.

Kind of an odd twist - but it was the only way I could describe it.
I've said before that this journal is the worst of me - things I throw here to get rid of ... I hope people remember the best of me.

---

Thursday,  July 26, 2001

Yesterday,  at 4:35 p.m., Wednesday,  July 25, 2001,  Kelly S. Roberts died at Mercy Health Center in Manhattan, KS.   She had no pain and no struggle.  One of the blood clots in her leg broke off and went to her heart and released her from further suffering.    She was surrounded by her family at the time and began her journey from a place filled with love.   A memorial service will be held at 7 Dolors Parish at the corner of Juliett and Pierre Street in Manhattan, Kansas on Monday,  July 30, 2001.    Burial services will be in Sabetha, Kansas at 2:30 p.m. on Monday.   A wake for Kelly will be held on Sunday,  July 29 at Yorgenson

Funeral home which is located at 16th and Poyntz in Manhattan.

 

Kelly was in the third grade when she and I became friends.   She lived down the street from me in Edmond,  Oklahoma, and we both attended Will Rogers Elementary School.    I had a trampoline,  and so my backyard was often a hang-out for neighborhood kids.   Kelly  was one of them that often entertained herself  on the trampoline.  We became friends,  then Kim and I became friends,  and we frequently had sleepovers at  both my house and their house.

 

As a little girl,  Kelly was very shy,  and very tender-hearted.   She was so  young --  maybe 9 years old-- when she began  her career in radio; she did a commercial  on  Charles's radio station (KKNG...).   I remember that we were all rather astounded by her eagerness to be in radio  because she was so shy.   But she was blessed with a beautiful voice and great talent,  and while  she  changed a lot as she grew up,  she overcame the shyness,  her love of  radio, of public speaking  never changed.

I was very blessed to have had Kelly in my life for so many years.  She grew into an intelligent,  well-spoken,  beautiful woman with an absolutely incredible sense of humor.    Of course,  I wish--  as we all do--  that we had more years with her,  but  I do believe she accomplished what she wanted and needed in this life.   She touched so many people, more than it  would ever be possible for me to name.   She was close with her family,  and close with so many friends that they became family, too. She met,  fell in love,  and married Tyler Roberts, and despite the fact that their time together was cut short,  she had an enduring love for him.

Kelly  used her  abilities  in public speaking for years to entertain people on the radio.   She continued using those talents when she took the tragedy of being diagnosed with HIV and used  it  to touch  hundreds  of lives by speaking to,  educating and moving  children and adults.   Kelly never outgrew her sensitivity and her tender-heartedness.   Despite the obstacles she faced,  she decided that she wanted to help even more people and returned to school to  obtain a degree  in social work.    Kelly wanted to effect the lives of people --  and she did  touch and bless the lives of  so many strangers and friends.    Dean said to me last night "Kelly made it easy to be her friend"  and I cannot think of a statement that could be more true. 

Kelly's  family was her rock and her foundation.   Kelly was the baby-- so much so that it was sometimes a running joke.  But  Donna,  Kim,  Eric, and Charles  always doted on her and she on them.   After she married Tyler,  his family also became hers,  and Susan and Al have doted on her as they would their own baby daughter.   But Kelly brought out the familial instincts in so many people -- Kim G.,  Debbie, Rich,  Joyce, the Denner-Verscheldens,   and so many others.   She loved so many and  so many people loved her.  All of our lives have been enriched by the time we had with her.

 

I would like to say something about "final  good-byes."  Kelly's death seems so sudden to me;  I feel so unprepared.  I am  so lucky that I got to spend time with Kelly over the past few months.    I was with Kelly on Monday and Tuesday,  and when I left Tuesday evening to head back to Lawrence,  I kissed her and told her I loved her and she returned the sentiment.   But it was not  **my** final goodbye,  because I was so certain that I would see her again.  I rushed to the hospital Wednesday afternoon,  but I didn't get to say MY final goodbye.... And it hurts.   And I am so certain that so many people feel the same way. She received so many calls in the hospital and was not able to talk to the people calling.   But here is what I believe: Kelly said HER final goodbye.   She was ready.   Kelly's  greatest fear was of  lingering and of suffering.    I believe that Kelly was so ready and  that there was NOTHING LEFT TO BE SAID.   She would not have moved on if she had thought there was more left to say.   I know that she felt assured that each and every one of us loved her --she did not need to hear it again.   Whenever it was you last talked to her,  she felt your love

and she returned it,  and nothing more needed to be said.    It is so hard and it hurts so much.   I want to scream "Just five minutes,  I just need five more minutes with her..."    And I think Kelly  would have given us those five more minutes if they were really necessary,  if we really

needed them.  But surely,  at the end of those five minutes,  we would have asked for five MORE.   We,  being left behind,  were never going to be ready for her to go.    I know that if Kelly had had any doubt at all that something more needed to be shared with someone,  she would have waited.  She was a kind and generous person and she would have granted us that.   But she **KNEW**  that there really was nothing more to say,  even if we feel like,  even if we wish we could have said more. So whenever  it was  you last talked with Kelly --  you made her feel loved enough and comfortable enough  and secure enough and content enough that  when she was ready to go,  she could do so,  that she could go in peace.  She went in peace,  and she knows that you did not want her to linger and suffer for five more minutes.  She knows you love her and she loves us too.    She was ready  and  ALL of the things that needed to be said and done,  she felt secure that they were said and done.  I really

believe this to be true.

 

Having said that,  I guess this will be  my final  words to all of you. Thanks  to each and every one of you  for all the love and support  you have given Kelly and her family.  As I said,  I know she felt all that love and that even now she continues to send her love to us.

 

Best wishes to all,

Jennifer Hackney

---

 

0108.02

He never did show up.
Greg shaved off his mustache, not the goatee. I think it looks great - but all I want to do is kiss him to see if it feels different ... which doesn't make any sense since I've never kissed him before.

Was reading Devin's journals. I miss him so I thought I would read some of his thoughts before he left. I want to yell at him, but I can't. I've done exactly the same thing - in fact I was contemplating the same thing. Funny we were doing it at the same time ... like our stars where connected or something. I tried to go by often - he was always asleep. I was actually told by him to go once, because he was to tired. I don't know if I was included in the three visits he had in the last month ... What if Rodger was never in his life? Would he have been with someone that cared? ... I know what I think the answer would have been ... said so from the start.
Still it kind of bugs me that his opinion about dating me was weighed in Greg's - - I should just stop now. Before I piss off Greg or end up missing Devin more - or getting wound up because one more person stood me up on a social call.

That was pretty much all I wanted to mention ... not much going on - it's to hot for anything.

====== 18:30

There where ashes on the mountain.
The radio played, "Sometimes, I feel the pull, of Uncertainty -" and I turned it off.

I went to return the movies. The other day, Greg asked me why I was so upset that ricE didn't come by - especially when I said I already knew he wasn't coming by. One of the points I made is that I didn't go out of my way to wait for him - but what the hell else am I going to do? I don't have a life. I don't get out.
I dropped the movies in the slot and decided not to go home - I haven't been on a drive in a long time.
I love the heat ... I love it when I'm in a moving car with the windows open on a hot day. The wind sears your nose and moistens your face - then chills you with a shift in the breeze as you turn a corner. I was on Wanamaker and just followed the way traffic was moving. I wasn't in a hurry, but I didn't want to stop. I ended up going left - and the numbers on the street began to climb.
I was thinking about Devin ... what could have been if he wasn't afraid. I wondered what he told Greg to change his answer from 'I don't know' to just plain 'No' and decided I didn't want to know.
I turned again on 29th. I could see the Mound. My mountain. I started to remember all the times I had spent up there thinking. I was remembering the view - and all the people that I had spent time with up there. I wanted to go there again. I forced myself back to reality, and tore my eyes from the white and yellow lines that where guiding me on the asphalt. I had passed the mountain.
I turned and found myself in the heat ... after all - Some like it hot. I checked out the titles. I decided that I should visit the arcade. I bought tokens. I went to the back. I put in a few coins and I watched the flashing lights - not really the picture. I can't really describe my state of mind ... I was in coast.
Then he came in. I saw him, I smiled, then I lost him in the maze of booths. I've referred to him as far back as the Dark Past Journals.  I've had dreams about him. - Weird dreams. Hal has held the bottle of doom - been a Nazi guard - and a guide in my dreams.
I went into a new booth - and there he was. Putting coins in the machine and making the lights flicker. This was no dream - and I was embarrassed. He smiled at me. All I heard in my head was my Brothers voice - I had pointed him out in a bar before ... "He's cute! Pursue him!" But I didn't ... couldn't then ...
I asked if I could stay. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Sure."
We just stood there, bathed in the eerie light of the TV screen. We made small talk. He asked how I was - I asked about his job ... it's changed. He leaned back into the wall - leaving himself open. I thought it was an invitation. I reached out to take it. He stood up and hugged me. Held me tight and gentle like a friend. I held him back and I felt so relieved and comfortable. I almost wanted to cry thinking that this just might be the start ...
He kissed my neck, then whispered in my ear,
"I saw you in the paper." and then his head leaned against my shoulder, and he add, "You are so Brave."
"You do what you have to." I said. He was still hugging me. I thought ... it was alright. "I'm glad you liked the article." I said.
"Yeah, it was good." He said with a kiss to my neck and then he let go of the hug. He smiled at me and then said, "You take care of yourself now." and then he just stood there. It suddenly sank in - he was waiting for me to move out of the way - I was in front of the door. My heart sank.
"Thanks," I said, "I will. I'll go now ... you where here first." and I turned and I was so ... unhinged - that I couldn't operate the latch. His strong hand came around me again, I felt his hand on my shoulder and it was almost like the hug ... but he opened the door and gave me a pat on the back. I left and he followed me out to change booths.
There was a man, probably twice my age standing in the corner. He watched us leave, and followed him after avoiding my eyes.
I went to another booth. I got rid of the rest of the tokens in my pocket. I couldn't even tell you what I watched. I just watched the lights flicker against the wall.
The price of fame ... I still can't find happiness.

I left and remembered the Mound. I still wanted to go. More then ever now.
I got up there just as someone was leaving. I parked the car and realized I was up there alone. It is nearing sunset, so I figured more would soon be there. I left my jacket in the car and I wandered up to the top of the Mound. I wasn't in a hurry. I was watching every step I took, so I went up the stone stairs. Overgrown with weeds and dead flowers, I watched my leather boots find the grove of the rock and then spread out under my weight and carry me closer to the sun.
Iccarius, I am not, but I opened my arms to the wind when I reached the top. I looked around me to view the city. I was amazed that I couldn't see it. Trees in full bloom - just close enough together that the city disappeared under them. I looked at the leafy green fields that stretched out before me. I wondered ... about ... I can't remember - but there was a smell. Ash. I love the smell of fire - of things as they burn. Not really a sulfur smell ... or hickory ... but the smell of ash.
I looked down and saw the source. There had been a fire here. A day or two old. Not a camp fire - but a deliberate one. Someone burned their school work. Notes, books, and the bag they where carried in.
I saw the charred remains of a World History Book - Patterns of Human Interaction. The faces of different races burned apart. History repeats itself. They obviously don't want to learn. Destroy it all. Live in ignorance .. and fear.

I was covered in ash from looking through the ruins. I smelled of fire. My arms fell under the weight ... of revelation. I turned and watched my steps as I climbed down.
I got in the car ... I turned on the radio ...
Sometimes,
I feel the pull,
of Uncertainty -
and I turned it off, as I got behind the wheel. I drove home - I kicked Greg off the computer as I changed into shorts and I looked at the ash on my hands as I type this.

I'm left with the question ... what will I do tomorrow?

0108.03

Okay, I have a lot of things I want to talk about - but the briefest way is just to reprint this reply to a friend.

    I really did like the article and I love that shirt.  I've been reading your journal. Just wish I could slap around a couple people for you. 

I have to thank you for that image. I was thinking about that today - and came up with a magic item - 'Gloves of Sense '... put them on and slap someone and they now have common sense. Your biggest problem then is that after you slap them - if there opinion doesn't change you should slap yourself *L*

I'd love for you to do that for me - unfortunately there are no magic gloves and you can't do it in real life either. Best you can do is stand up for what you believe in - every time without fail.

I really couldn't believe Greg didn't tell you to go to the party.  It was an open tell-everyone-that-knows-*female friend moving*-and-*male friend moving*-to-come thing.  Well, I know that *Friend still here* is having a birthday party the 11th.....we just aren't sure where yet.  Probably either Mel's or *Guy at the bar when I was writing the note to Devin at Christmas*.  We aren't having a game here since she wants to play Sabbat for her birthday.

Yeah, well that's Greg for you. Honestly, I don't think he wants me around when he is actually having fun. Oh well.
I'll try to keep the 11th open. I know Greg loves Sabbat. I'm sure I can get a nap in and actually be conscious for the party.
Thanks for the invite.

  Did you know that Devin joined a Bathhouse down in Austin?  Monty is going to have one of the guys on his pool team talk to him, or maybe they already have talked.  The guy is older and knows that the place he joined is bad news, so they were hoping Devin would take his advice.  I know, it's totally irrational that he would do that and not date you.

Yes, I do know about it. I will talk to him about it - I'm not sure everyone will like what I have to say though. Others asked me to bug Devin about it - I did to find out what it was about. We talked.
He said it is because he can have full access to a gym for less then a $30 a month when he would be paying over hundreds for anywhere else 'reputable'. Excuse maybe - maybe not. Devin is however a big boy and can take care of himself. he knows about safe sex, the risks of STD's, and can make decisions on his own. Devin has a tendency to find men that can take care of him and string them along to get what he needs ... I think I'm an example.
He is now in a very big - very expensive - very rough City. Let him use the skills he has.
If it is just for sex or the attention - Who am I to tell him not to take advantage of it? After all, given the choice, I find a bath house to be a better option then the Arcades at the porn shop that I have been using. If I was down there - I would probably have a membership.
When I asked Devin about it, he said that everyone was trying to make him feel ashamed about it, but he refuses to feel that way. More power to him. He isn't doing anything to be ashamed of.

As for his irrationality to date me - he was fully rational when he made those choices. It was when he was drunk and irrational that he made more advances. It was fear that kept him from me. It was his irrational mind that ignored fear.
I don't think he will be drunk at the bath house.
He knows the risks.
I'll talk to him to make sure he does - then I'll give him my blessing to be anywhere he wants to be to meet the people he wants to meet and do the things he wants to do.

 Like I said, wish I could slap some sense into some people.  Just remember that you are worth love and you are one of the people I admire most in my life.  You show such bravery and kindness that I'm constantly amazed by you.  I could never put my feelings online for everyone to see and I could never speak in public, the thought of that makes me ill!  You DO have a lot to offer and someone is gonna see that someday.  I just wish I could make it happen right away, you deserve it!

I do not see bravery in my actions. Thanks for noticing I am kind. I have no idea why you are amazed by me, but thanks for that also.
As for the rest of what you said - have you ever heard my favorite song by the Smiths? "How soon is now?" Here is the part of it that applies -
"And you say it's going to happen now,
Well, when exactly do you mean?
See, I've already waited to long,
And all my hope is gone."

Yeah, maybe I do have a lot to offer, maybe I do deserve it -
There is no guarantee that anyone will ever notice or take advantage of it ... ever.

 Heck, last year I knew that I wouldn't ever have another relationship and then *he* came along.  Even if it was over today, I'd still have had something I never expected.

Yes you do - and I hope you still cherish that rather then entertain the idea of ending it because he deserves more then you.
Don't make me get those gloves out for you again, okay?  ;)

 I hope you can make it to the game Saturday....I know there are several people that would like to see you.  Keep struggling on through....I know it's tough, but you have to keep going.

I don't have to keep going - but I do want to.
Yes, I'll be at the game this week - I am going to premiere my Malkavian, Haywood. I can't wait. And I'll have a friend observing - maybe two.

And that is that. I haven't decided what I'm doing later yet. Maybe writing more ... Maybe I'll finish my background, so I can post it here and start the Haywood Chronicle.

0108.04

I mis-placed my Dildo. I took this as a sign to not stay at home. I sat alone all night in an Arcade. I came home with 4 movies and worked on Haywood's background more then watch them. When I finished Haywood's background I tried to get into one before going to bed - But Greg came home early and walked in on me (I ran for cover - he's not going to have nightmares).

So, I've lost a play lover and was definitely in a no-sex vibe. 
Well, if you are into it - here's my background for the Character I will start playing tonight. Once again - I remind any Cam Member that anything you read here is OUT OF CHARACTER KNOWLEDGE.

0108.05

It is 6am, and I'm still awake. A nap can do wonders.
Likwid is asleep on my couch. Greg is passed out in his room.
I don't know where to begin with what I'm thinking about.

It would seem that my friends get along better with my friends then they do with me. This is paranoia, I know, but ... It would seem to me that Greg and Likwid get along really well. Not so much that Likwid is avoiding me or anything, but Greg does seem to steal him away frequently. Away to do things that I would like to do also - but I'm to busy to go so Greg - I should just drop it.
Related - Everyone at the game really liked Likwid. I was told to bring him along more often.
Guess I'm only as good as the company I keep.

Despite this - I had a great time tonight. Not only at the game and dinner, but at the party afterward.

The game. Everyone seems to like the new character - including me. I had a lot of fun playing with the insanity, and trying to keep sane. I'll chronicle more of what happened later.

Dinner. I bought for Greg. Standard issue stuff. Role playing was still going on. Likwid, Greg, and I where all laughing really hard and having a good time in general. There was an awful lot of indecision about what to do next. But Melissa's after party was the one that won out.

The Party. I was conscious. I wasn't tired. I had a good time. It was a small party and not all the Cam was there. There was drinking - video games - singing on the porch - and merriment all around. There was a lot of shirtless-ness ... I was the first? ... no ... actually it started with one of the Players earlier and at dinner (the one that showed me his Prince Albert) - but Myself, Greg and Likwid held on to it for the majority of the night.

It's hard for me to put my finger on why I had such a good time. I think more then anything else - I was conscious and could enjoy a lot of it. I wasn't so tired that I was grumpy about everything that happened. I was conscious enough to defend myself against the teasing, and in some cases tease back. - oh, and ricE was there. Told him I missed him on Wednesday - he said he was sorry but couldn't even remember what it was that came up to keep him from coming by. Not surprised, don't care. I was having fun at the party.
I could be social, and I could like it.

On the pizza / sherbet run to Walgreen's (Likwid was hungry and talk of ice cream gave me a craving), that Greg tagged along on ... like I can't be left alone with anyone ...  - drop it - I saw Devin's last room mate. I would have stopped and talked to him, but he was busy (Evidently he took over Devin's last posts (as a security guard) and was filing a report with the Police while we were there). I may go back and see him again some other time just to let him know I wasn't ignoring him - he was working. I did say hi and wave - he did wave back and recognize me.
Oh yeah, that was the other thing. Likwid forgot his ID at the Walgreen's. Didn't know if he would be able to write a check. I had the cash to cover it - I know he's good for it ... but before I even brought up that option - Greg offered to write a check and cover it for him and get the money back later. I looked at him ...shocked - he pointed out that he has offered to pay me back for things but I won't take it because he doesn't have a job (which is true - but he isn't offering to pay someone back ... he's offering to cover it for them - like he has the money to do it ... maybe he does ... but if that is the case he should just get a car and place of his own - drop it -) I did pay cash for the two items. Now neither of them had to write a check for a dollar.

After Lunch with Mom I came home and slept for about 3 and half hours. I've been completely awake since then. I wasn't groggy for the game - I didn't get tired at diner - and I didn't fall asleep at the party.
I had a good time.

Greg has a job interview on Monday. I've been happy about that. He might actually get a job. Then he can pay me the $15 he owes me. Then we'll see what happens from there.

Almost 7. I guess I should try and sleep. Stop typing while Likwid tries to sleep (not that it has been bothering him - he's out like a light).

Oh - one last letter and reply - really hope she doesn't mind. I share because it does bring up a lot of differences in perception and attitude - ones we all have had.

You say you aren't brave and you can't see why you amaze me. Maybe the reason you amaze me is that I am afraid of everything. I'm deathly afraid of looking or sounding stupid. I'm afraid whenever I voice an opinion because I'm always told that what I think is stupid. I'm afraid to stand up for what I believe in because people may not like me anymore. I'm afraid to disappoint my parents, my family, my friends. I'm afraid that my friends are only friends because of the things I do for them. I'm afraid to be alone.

You risk everything every day you post to your journal. You give your opinion with no apologies, no hesitancy. You don't want to be alone either, but you say "This is me. You must like me as I am." and you stick to it. You don't lower your voice or hide your face because someone may not like what you say. That takes a lot of courage. That's why I call you brave.

Amazing? Well, I have so many days when I just want to crawl in bed, put the covers over my head and wait to die. I simply hate my life so much that I don't think I can stand it. I keep looking to the future and not seeing anything there that I want to live. You? Well, you have the same types of days, but you handle it by getting outside yourself and making people notice. Like doing that article in the paper....you could have said "No, I've done my part with the website." But, you didn't. You went and showed the whole city of Topeka and beyond just what you believe and hope for. That kind of thing amazes me. I couldn't take the chances you take in showing people what your life is like. I'm too scared of everything.

I really think you need to take a look at just how much you do risk and how much you change things. Your website matters, the article matters, everything you do to put the spotlight on your fight matters. Believe me, you show a lot of bravery in your life. I only wish I could be as brave as you.

My Reply - 

Thanks for all the things you have said about me - but I still don't see it.
I think I very much define Bravery differently then most. For me Bravery is much more about facing a fear. I'm not afraid of what people think. I do what I feel I have to - bravery doesn't figure into it, because it isn't a choice - it has to be done.
But ... a lot of the things you said I do ... I don't.
I voice my opinions - but I frequently apologize and hesitate. I will lower my voice and hide my face from certain people ... just not all people. As far as my journal - I post with impunity because I don't allow myself to find out who or how many read it.
You also said I should look around and see how much I risk everyday and the differences I make - I point out a famous (and funny) but true quote ' There is a fine line between Bravery and Stupidity ' I don't think I want to look around and find reasons to be afraid. I'll do it, and deal with consequences.
That is me - now about you.
You say you are afraid of everything. I think you exaggerate - and I think you sell yourself short. I don't know of one person that has said you, your ideas, or opinions where stupid - and if they do, they are the stupid ones for not listening to what you have.
Wish you where as Brave as I ... you can make that happen. Do - don't think.
I will say ' simple as that ' because it is ... but I also realize, ' Easier said then done '
I leave you with a line from another song I love. The song is called 'Washer' from Slint.
" I know it's dark outside,
Don't be afraid
Every time I ever cried for fear,
It was just a mistake that I made.
Wash yourself in your tears
and build your church,
on the strength of your faith "

=== 20:49

Was watching 'Crossing Over with John Edwards". I can't explain why - but it made me cry. The show fascinates me. I warned Greg not to freak out if I just broke down - He asked me why I didn't just change the channel - I couldn't.

He and I had a good afternoon. Saw 'Rush Hour 2'.

Just wanted to ... validate that.

0108.06

I had a strange dream. I was going to skip it, but I had it again.
I had it the first time when I went to bed after the game and Likwid was still here. I had it again after I watched 'Crossing Over with John Edwards'.
I don't know what this dream is supposed to mean - I'll just relate it.

I was at a party - in my house. It was like the old Sunday gatherings. Just a bunch of us around watching TV. Greg, a few Cammies and Likwid where the only ones I recognized. I was having a good time. I was comfortable with all the people there. I knew that some of the people that I didn't recognize where actually friends of Likwid. I was reclining on the couch and I had my head in the lap of one of his friends. No one seemed to mind. As the night progressed, I made a joke about getting so familiar with someone that I had just met and I was going to get up because I was giving him a bad reputation. He put his hand on my shoulder to stop me from getting up and said he didn't mind. I looked up at him and asked if he was sure - he said he was and asked if he could kiss me. I thought he was joking - but he leaned down and kissed me.
It was an incredibly awkward kiss. Our heads where kind of in the wrong place, he had bad breath, I was stunned and didn't know what I should do.
He apologized. I told him one wasn't necessary. Greg said I was rushing it and I should leave him alone. Everyone else was pretty neutral on the subject - no support - but no help. I told the guy that he shouldn't rush anything. He shouldn't do anything that he wasn't ready for. He agreed. I started to get up again - he stopped me. We sat there through out the night and enjoyed the party. Likwid's friends then pulled out a lot of make-up. It turned into some kind of Mary Kay cosmetics party. Most of my friends were not interested, but it was still fun. They spilled a whole lot of the powdered make-up on the floor - we cleaned it up - and then we all went to bed (they all stayed over - sleeping bags on the floor etc - like a giant sleep over). My new friend asked if he could sleep with me - I said yes - that is all we did ... sleep.
When we woke up - all of Likwid's friends (except the guy that was with me) had welts on their faces. They all said it was from AIDS that I had given them. I was shocked - and tried to tell them that it wasn't possible. It didn't matter what I told them, they didn't listen. I turned to my friends - the Cammies where very neutral about it all ... 'it could be - how do you know it isn't? - I'm sure it isn't - are you sure you had contact with him?' No support. Likwid and my new friend support me - Greg said nothing, in fact he left so he wouldn't have to say anything more ... cammies followed him. The ones with the welts on their faces began to apply pressure to Likwid 'You are our friend, you should be on our side!' and as time went on, a welt began to show up on his face and though he never really changed his opinion about them being wrong ... he said he had to help them and left with them.
I was suddenly standing alone. I went to find the Cammies. I found some of them (I never saw Greg again in this dream). They started to tease me about going to bed with the new guy and wanted details. I told them nothing had happened. I liked him, but I wasn't going to rush it. I was going to enjoy what I got - and when I got it. I felt his hand on my shoulder then - and he said he liked the fact I didn't lie - and he kissed my neck. I noticed a small welt on his face. I was so afraid. I pointed it out.
He told me not to worry - he was sure there was a logical explanation.
I can't remember how they all came back. More accusations about me spreading AIDS and they tried to apply the same pressure my new friend, that they did with Likwid. He didn't change his stand.
I can't remember how we found out - but the welts where an allergic reaction to the make-up on the floor. They spilled it, then slept in it that is why the welts where only on one side of the face.
All of them acknowledged this was the cause. They cleaned off their faces and the welts went away. They thanked me for pointing out a different reason for there illness - and left. I remember being disappointed that none of them apologized for accusing me of giving them AIDS, or for being wrong. They where just happy not to have welts on their faces or to have AIDS.
My new friend, stood behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, then whispered in my ear,
"Everything will be okay now -"

There was more. I think I was waking up from 'Everything will be okay. Now Kiss me'.

Got to take Greg to his job interview.

====
Greg will get a call back on Wednesday and find out if he has a job. He got another call and has another interview from one of the other applications.
Platelets are at 10 thousand. Hell of a drop.
Maybe it's the inventory stresses.

I've been wanting to sleep very much in the afternoon - but not at night. I may be switching to day sleep again.

I'm also considering growing my hair back. I'm tired of the statement that I am single, or degraded in the effort to find sex. It's been almost two years. I don't think anyone cares. With my platelet problem bleeding could become a problem. Maybe I should just stop and let it grow back.
... Haywood made a big deal about shaving his head when he found out people still had hair.

Thinking.
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0108.08

I am truly getting tired of being Greg's Bitch - and I have no one to blame but myself.

Yesterday at work was okay - we have inventory today, so there was some extra stress. Ray showed up as I should have been leaving and stuck around for the 20 minutes as I tried to leave. We went to lunch. Ray asked if I was on a time schedule - I said no (My only plan was to go home - eat the left over pizza I bought for Greg and I and work on the computer until it was time to take Greg to his game). We got in my car and drove to Lawrence and ate at the Mass Street Deli. It was good. While I was in Lawrence I thought we (Greg and I) could find the leather Collar he has been looking for. Hot Topic didn't have anything thick enough for him.
I mentioned that to a just waking Greg when I got home, as he was asking if I would take him back to Hot Topic to get the collars that where close to what he wanted.
"Well, If I'd have known you where going to Lawrence I would have gone along."
"You where not awake, and I went for lunch with Ray. I was saying we might be able to find it there the next time we go."
"Well, I'm not doing anything right now."
"Fine, lets go."

So, I drove to Lawrence again. I had a great time the first time I was there - why not again? We searched all the shops on Mass street. Finally someone suggested 7th Heaven (just off Mass) and that is where we found what Greg was looking for. He spent $15 for it. We got in the car and he continued to complain about how all the restaurants where making him hungry. I asked where he wanted to eat, I would stop for it - but he had to pay for it, I only had $4 dollars on me (Actually, I didn't think he had any money on him - only his checks). Wendy's. He had $10 on him (he called it his emergency fund) and got $3 in food. After he finished his food on the drive home - he asked if I would stop at Hot Topic so he could get an all black shirt to go with his collar - maybe one of those mesh shirts. I said I could - but pointed out that even now he is late to his game. He wanted the shirt for the game.
I asked why he had to have all of this stuff. Said he was trying to change a few things about himself. I asked what. He said he is to nice to people and they are taking advantage of him. He then gave me an example of someone that he was nice to - that wasn't nice back. I asked how that is taking advantage of him. He explained it isn't - but it's an example of how he is to nice.
So I spilled the whole lecture on not having expectations of others actions. You can't do something hoping for something in return. Spell it out in an agreement - or expect nothing. Stop being nice to people if you expect them to be nice back. Be nice to people because you know it is the right thing to do.
Then I went back to who is taking advantage of him.
"I don't want to talk about it." Answer - Women - I even bet I know who ...but I have zero to go on because he doesn't want to talk about it - yet he keeps asking for my help and answers to his questions.
I told him to tell me the story if he wants my help - shut up if he won't tell me what is going on. He continued with the shadow play, and like an idiot - I continued with the helpful answers.

Went to Hot Topic. He found a black mesh shirt. On sale even for $20 even.

He is doing some cool things. I really like this new look he's going for - but that is all it is - a Look. It won't change anything. And he's doing it all for the wrong reasons.
I did point out to him that depending on who he talks to - he isn't really all that nice a person, and that no one is taking advantage of him - in fact it's probably the opposite >:|

I took him to his game. I was supposed to talk to one of the players. But we where now so late he was busy running the game. I told him to call me some time and we would go over the things I needed to talk about. I left.
Greg never once said thank you (not even a hug goodbye as I left him at the game - in fact the day I was crying at John Edwards I asked for a hug - he didn't even get up from the couch and then teased me about 'demanding' hugs from him when it is supposed to be the other way around). In fact I think he was mad at me for not spending my $4 to buy his $3 lunch.

I bent over backwards to accommodate him. I gave him a roof over his head. I pay the bills. I feed him. It can be said that I clothe him. And yet ... I haven't even heard him call me a friend lately. I haven't heard thank you. I'm treated just like his Bitch only I don't get the attention, the affection, the sex or even the recognition.

I don't do the things that I do expecting these things back. I do them because they should be done. I do some things like what I talked about in the gibberish above because I just want to - In Lawrence (and I don't know if he's even noticed what I did yet, but) he told me what I did wasn't so great - in fact he didn't like it much at all.

He doesn't trust me, he doesn't want to. He doesn't like me, he doesn't want to. He thinks he's to nice to people and they are taking advantage of him - so he needs to become meaner.
He had better get a job in the next week or two or I will end up killing him. If he gets any meaner ...
Looks to me like I'm the one that should be buying a new wardrobe and kicking some ass.

===== 19:15

I wrote that before work. I read it again when I came home. I posted it while I ate lunch - the left over pizza. I had no other plan but to take that nap.
Then ICQ uh-oh'ed me.

8/8/2001 1:42 PM   HI Bret.... 

8/8/2001 1:43 PM MISFIT hi mel - what's up?

8/8/2001 1:44 PM   nothing much... just wanted to say hi...
how are you? 
ANd do you know that you live with a mild psycopath... 

8/8/2001 1:47 PM MISFIT Depends on who you talk to about how I am
Funny you should mention the psycho ...
he thinks you hate him no matter how nice he tries to be to you ... I said he
was imagining it ... looks like I owe him an apology.

8/8/2001 1:50 PM   Well it's not that I hate him its a strong dislike.. really - I have no
problem with him, but the guy was over here at my house last night starting crap and getting a biligerent about other people in here... then he was talking that he was going to start being
an asshole because thats the only way he could get respect and then later that night he pulls a knife on someone.

8/8/2001 1:53 PM MISFIT Who did he pull a knife on?
he says he didn't do it.
He was saying that he has been getting taken advantage of (but he won't tell me how or by who) and that he was going to start being meaner because that is the only way people will give him anything
Fuck it - I don't care this isn't any of my business

8/8/2001 1:54 PM   It's none of mine either.. but I don't want the shit in my house....

8/8/2001 1:55 PM MISFIT That's fine
Who said he pulled a knife on them?
This I do want to know.

8/8/2001 1:56 PM   HIs name is Jeremy and half the people at the troup game last night. saw him do it...

8/8/2001 1:57 PM   I can list names.. as childish as that would be

8/8/2001 1:58 PM MISFIT Greg is beside himself in disbelief - so am I really
My first question to you is Did YOU see him do it?
Why believe everyone else?
I can't do this any more either.

I have to go to bed. good night.

I went to bed. I couldn't sleep. I was torn into to many directions.
I left. Actually I called Ray - and asked if I could talk to him. He was home and said yes. We talked a couple of hours. I feel much better now.
He was the only one I could think of to talk to that was divorced enough from the situation - yet knew me well enough to understand my dilemmas.

My biggest problems where that I felt I had to do something - but there is nothing for me to do.
I really feel like my friends are trying to put me in the position to chose between friends.
That I just have to much other shit going on to have to deal with any of this!

We talked about a lot of things. I feel much better.
I came home and hugged Greg - then told him he could talk to me about anything. I also told him that I was not going to get drawn into this. I would not tolerate my friends bad mouthing him - nor would I tolerate him bad mouthing them.

I feel resolved for now. I'll deal with the rest of it as it comes.
Here's a picture of Greg's new outfit.

0108.09

That's all we expect of man - this side of the grave: his good is - knowing he is bad.
 - Robert Browning -

This was the quote that started the Movie "Get Carter" with Stallone - the one I watched with Greg after I came back home. I completely disagree with the statement - but I am beginning to wonder about it.

I wanted to go over a few of the things that Ray and I talked about.
I am aware of the extreme possibility that Greg acts very differently in front of others then he does with me. I think this is one of the reasons he doesn't want me around 'his friends'. But we do share a lot of friends - many of them in the Cam - and I have observed a lot.
"I don't know how to act toward all of this!" I said to Ray.
"Don't act." was the reply. He pointed out to me that many of the people in this situation appear to be acting. This makes a lot of sense since the people involved belong to the Cam - we Role play. However the point of this was to make me actually think about what I say - language is a very obscure medium.
"I don't know how to react to this situation." which lead me to realize - I had reacted. Running to Ray for help - help listening to me - was the first reaction. The rest will come in time.
We talked about the Buddhist parable of the man in the boat - briefly - man in a boat sees a boat coming toward him, he shouts for the other boat to get out of the way, it doesn't. They collide, and he realizes there was no one in the other boat. We talked about this in part because of the lack of control. You only think you can control your boat ... you have no control over the other boat. I have no control over any of this situation. Then I brought up, I have to much shit in my boat to be in my boat right now.
What other shit? Viral Load 75000, T-Cells 230, Platelets at 10000. I have to keep telling myself that I feel fine. I tell myself that not to convince myself, but to remind myself. I didn't feel bad until I knew the numbers. I know that my Doctor and others around me will think I'm in bad shape - and in a way, I am. But I feel fine - I can't work - I am active - and I am not suffering ... physically.
"There is something that I sense you are leaving off about your blood work." Ray said to me.
"No, " I said thinking about it - "Not leaving it off. That is my blood work. I feel fine. But it does give me some concerns. Kind of a punctuation to the end of the sentence." I said.
"I don't believe it's the end of the sentence." Ray pointed out.
"A period is the end of a sentence." I said. "But it doesn't mean there isn't another sentence to follow." He nod with understanding. "Actually, I hope it's a new paragraph. It would be nice to start with a new idea." Ray chuckled - and we continued to talk a bit about our beliefs in 'after life'. Lots of reincarnation and some about what we take with us - the kernel of 'us'. I have some bizarre theories about my past lives - maybe later. Also that I have only one other thing that I really want to be able to accomplish before I die, and it is meeting with the utmost resistance.
We also talked about the control others do have. After all, I can only get worked up about this situation because I let myself. I can only get hurt by my friends because I let them.
I said it before - probably most poignantly on Valentines day a few years back. Because I care - I have given others the power to hurt me, confuse me, control me. I give them this power. I could take it away ... but at what cost?

No snowflake falls in an inappropriate place. Ray had just finished reading my journals before I called him - He still patiently listened to me retell the circumstances so he could see how it was effecting me now. After I poured my confusion out to him - we ran an errand so we could keep talking, then sat down in P.T.'s Coffee shop to finish talking.

Greg, a friend of his, and I watched "Get Carter", Titus (rerun - funny) and Family Guy (hysterical!). I went to bed - they went and gamed. Greg and I did make some plans for today. It's payday - I promised him crab legs.

I slept for crap again. I was very restless.
I had a strange dream.
What I remember about it was that I was visiting Griffin (but he lived in the 'Friends' apartment). As I was leaving, I got into my car - which was parked in the hallway. I turned on the radio and began to drive off. As I drove down the hall / tunnel, the radio began to fade out. I looked down to adjust the station - but there was no radio. The dash was not mine. I looked around and realized I was not in the right car. I turned around to return the stolen car that my key worked, and get my car. But the car began to shrink. Soon it was a moped, then a bike - getting harder and harder to pedal up hill. Finally I dragged the two tires back to where I was - 'parked' them, and started to look for my car when I woke up.

I heard Greg come home. I heard him go to bed. I heard my alarm.

Then I got this -

 At 12:14 PM 8/8/2001 -0500, you wrote:

Hey Babe,
 I'm having a problem, and I'm hoping that you might know how to help me fix it.  Greg...he's been going around saying, "Oh I'm not a nice guy anymore, I'm tired of people using me, I'm an asshole so fuck you." He walks into my house, in a fishnet shirt and collar, and then gets extremely hostile when Lynda Depe looks at him funny.  He proceeded to ignore both Melissa and I when we asked him to either drop it or take it outside. 
Rather, he came over, he'd acknowledge our protests, and then turn around and begin to argue once more with someone undeserving of his aggression.

 My second question is that Greg picked a fight with someone illtempered, and pulled a knife on him.  He's been stepping up and starting fights with everyone.  I feel incredibly bad about all this, he was kicked out of Eric's because of his behavior.  I would like to see if you can discourage this behavior, because I don't feel positive about how I'll react if he further disrespects my friends, my roommate, myself, or my home.  Plain put, those are some of the things that set me off.  He pulls a knife on ME, and he's likely to die on it, all joking aside.  I feel cold inside as I write this because I'm writing to someone I consider one of my dearest friends...but all the same I'm filled with a cold rage.  I think we need to try and stop this line of behavior, because you and I know that Greg doesn't usually act like this.  I'm so angry with him right now, I don't know rightly what to do except to take time to calm down.  Bret...I'm just lost here.  I'd like to get some of Greg's input on this to figure out why he's behaving this way, but I'm not believing a word from him if it differs from what I've been told, because MANY people are in concordance on this.  They've all told me one thing...and I'd like to solve this, because this isn't right.  This doesn't seem like Greg.  Please help us all?

Love,
Kenny

I reply -

All Rules are off -
Just so everyone knows - anything pertaining to this and my replies will end up on the net. No names will be hidden. Greg never wanted to be spotlighted - but everyone else is doing it to him - I think I need to widen the spotlight to include his antagonists.

No snowflake falls in an inappropriate place. Everything happens for a reason.

You do have a problem - I do know how to fix it - and it has nothing to do with what I can say, do or influence to Greg.

You have to open your mind and want to solve the problem. Right now all you are doing is fueling the problem. Let me try to show you how.
You have stated that you will assume Greg is lying if he tells you anything different then what you have heard. This is all hear say from others - nothing that you have witnessed ... even though you have said that this does not sound like Greg.
YOU have already determined that if he didn't do it - you will believe he did.
So - if he didn't do it, How can he explain why he did?

As for Linda being undeserving of his hostility - they have had problems. It is between them. You say you asked him to stop - then he argued with someone else undeserving ... Who? How do you know it was undeserving? Shouldn't you have been talking to him then?

If Greg pulls a knife on you! Why would he? What have you done to him?
Oh, for an activity that is very un-Greg-like, you sure do have him pegged as a knife wielding psycho now.
IF Greg pulls a knife on you - what did you do to provoke it? Perhaps make unfounded accusations? Call him a liar when he is telling the truth? Defend yourself by all means. Kill him, you will go to jail just like anyone else.
By the way - I think I could remove Greg's name from these statements because they apply across the board! If ANYONE pulls a knife on you ... or are you just singling Greg out for death and or retribution?

Everyone is so willing to believe only what they want to about him - to ask ME to fix problems with him like I have any influence over another human being (I DON'T) - No one asking Greg what is wrong with an open mind.

You want to know what I think about the situation here?
I refuse to let my friends bad mouth each other, drag me into the middle of it, or ask me to chose between them.
I find it disheartening that all of my friends are so fragile and shallow that they will turn on each other at anyone's say so.
I find it strange that only half of the people at the game saw this happen - but I haven't heard anything from the other half.
I find it strange that everyone believes Greg so capable of this that no one has confronted the so called victim and asked what he did to provoke someone to pull a knife on them - or lie about it to smear the name of another.
Where did the knife come from?

I have come to trust my instincts on things. I knew when Greg was lying to me about sleeping with Donyelle. I knew he was going to sleep with Jodi before he did.
In my gut - I know he didn't do this.
I can argue from the dark on this for years. I know nothing - no one has told me any FACTS (including Greg). I have heard only hear say and accusations - all from second hand sources (except one - Greg ... nothing makes an argument seem more right then to hear only one side of it).

I have a tremendous desire to Defend Greg on this. Not because I believe he is innocent (though I do - but I believe he is innocent on the same grounds you believe he is guilty - my feelings on hear say ... guess I'm the only American that believes in innocent until proven guilty.) but because everyone else is acting irrational.

Read my journals and you will realize that I had a talk with Greg about his desire to be meaner - before any of this happened.
There is nothing that I can do except what I have been doing since the beginning of time. I listen, I don't judge, and I give my opinion.

Lets address a few issues outside your letter.
Greg has talked to me about being as nice as he can to everyone and still getting treated like Shit. He is at the point now where he can't see the point in being nice anymore.
Do I think this is possible?
HELL YES!  This I have seen. I've had the same problems with everyone in and around the Cam at one point or another. I seem to have a higher tolerance then Greg.
I have repeatedly been asked - Do I think Greg is capable of this?
Yes - the same way I think ANYONE is capable of violence under the correct circumstances.
I've already stated that I don't THINK he did it - but I have no facts. So far as I have heard - either does anyone else.

Perhaps you feel cold inside because you know you are doing the wrong things.

I want one other thing clear - I do not presume that Greg Didn't do this. I don't know. Fact or Fiction nothing in this letter has changed. I stand up for him right now NOT because he is my Friend, or my room mate - but because he is a person being radically accused of something he claims to be innocent of. I would want the rest of the world to do it for me - but I don't expect it (and now I know who especially not to expect it from).

You want to talk or write to me - you know where I am.
You want to solve this - talk to Greg. I am not a middle man.

Yes, this letter is a bit hot on my part - I can't help it ... it has me worked up.
Just so everyone else knows - I have told Greg he can talk to me about any of this. I will continue to ask those willing to cooperate more questions for my own satisfaction.
Do I think Greg would lie to me? Yes, he's done it a lot.
Do I think Greg can lie convincingly enough to fool me? Anything is possible. I don't rule it out.
Will my opinion of Greg change if I find out all this is true? No - I'll have more to talk to him about.
Will my opinion of everyone else change if I find out they are lying? No - it changed from the accusation. I'm not sure if it can go much lower ... but it's possible.

"How are you doing today?" a co-worker asked.
"Depends on who you ask and which accusations you want to believe." I said.
"I thought I was asking you." He said.
"I'm doing just fine." I said with a smile. He was the only one to respond that way.

"These days, the accusation is better then the facts." One person said.
"Then what do you want to hear?" I asked.
"Give me the worst." He said.
"Not only am I poisonous, I've been dead for a long time now."
"You aren't dead." He said.
"I see you are ready to except that I am poisonous."
"Well, I don't know about that one. You are walking around - you aren't dead."
"Redefine life." I said and walked away.

====== 21:00

At 0548 PM 8/9/2001 -0500, you wrote
Bret,

You've set me right on a few things, but still, I've a few questions.

You're right on one thing for sure; I did believe Greg did these things when I was told them, and because I've known him to lie, I chose to set my mind against him. I retract that, and now that I'm calm, I'm a lot more prepared to try and deal with this rationally. I flew off due to a few of my past histories, and for that I owe Greg a SERIOUS apology, and I do not expect him to forgive me. What I did was not shallow, that's the wrong descriptor for almost anything to do with me, but misguided. I chose to attempt to deal with it before I had calmed down and become rational, and that was my crime. Rage, disappointment, fear, these things I am guilty of.

The knife issue. I've been stabbed, and I've been cut. Few people have ever managed to get close enough to me to violate my person in such a manner, and that's just how it was done. People I believed to be close friends did that to me. I've only recently...like in the last day because of this, found a way to come to terms with that. I have some very serious anger management issues, and my fear of being physically harmed against my will is something so deep...it's amazing to me. If the truth be told, no I am not singling Greg out for retribution and I find it shameful of you to even say that. I feel absolutely no remorse for my reaction to said threat, and ONLY because it makes no real difference who is holding the knife, because when all is said and done, if I'm threatened, it will be me in the end, and I will have had no say in it. Yes, Jail is a very real possibility for me and that's why I'm trying to work on my management of fear and anger, because I don't want to do things like this to those that I love and hold dear. I'm not afraid of much, but this is one thing that makes me recoil and lash out in fear. It was done to me for so long...and I've made a resolution that it will not happen anymore. I reacted. I heard things, things that fueled my fire, and I coupled them with Greg's new, "I'm an asshole", attitude, and I got something akin to Crimson. I didn't know what to believe because I was bewildered by the fact that Greg would even act this way? If he was such a Chameleon in truth as to be able to turn like this, what was he capable of? Feed the fire. The person that was all undeserving of said verbal lashing was Lynda, because all she did was look at him funny when she saw him dressed in a way she'd never seen him dressed before, and you and I both know that dressing in a fishnet shirt and collar is likely to get a stare out of anyone that is part of the Status Quo, much less a farm girl from Colby. On that, well, that is between them, but truly, I do expect people to respect my home and my roommates. When either I or my roommates ask someone to drop their line of conversation or take it outside if they wish to finish...I don't expect to have to either repeat myself or become rude by doing so. My Da was a, "I'll only tell you once", kind of guy, and I am much of what my Da was.

To be perfectly frank, no this doesn't seem like Greg, and I don't agree with the attitude. I'm back in my head and in control, so no it doesn't seem likely that Greg would ever pull a knife on someone, not realistically speaking. Two things impinge upon my thoughts though, and one of them you've already brought up. To what lengths can the psyche be stretched? If one is brought to mortal fear...what is one capable of? I am the very monster that I thought of Greg, but really, I can see that monster in all of us. Maybe that's coddling myself, or merely reassuring me that I'm not a bad person, but I believe it. The second thought was to put Greg in my shoes on the fear end. What if this Jeremy who is his accusor in this, was the first to pull a knife? What, realistically, would anyone do, much less Greg? It has occurred to me that Jeremy is the guilty party, and is endeavoring to cover for either menacing Greg physically or with steel.

Really, it seems all too plausible to me now that "Mr. I'm Tough BadAttitude Cali", would be all too willing to attempt to cover up his actions by making his prey out as the aggressor, and a ridiculous one at that. His statement was that Greg pulled a knife on him, and that it was a cute lil dinky pocket knife, and that he returned with a much bigger one and said,"We can do this...?". That, in fact seems much more plausible given the fact that Jeremy is from where he's from and acts the way he acts, but hey, am I to be my brother's judge? Constantly. Judgemental is something I've always been, but that is something that I've come to accept. I don't always allow my judgement to interfere with my common sense...not always.

I think that's about all I had to say at the moment, so I'll just make an attempt at finishing this. Greg, because I know you're going to read this, I am sorry. I reacted, I was wrong in my reaction, and I do not expect you to forgive me. Not in the slightest, because I'd hold a grudge in the same situation, but me...not long. I don't do well with grudges myself. I DO however, expect you to understand why I did what I did, because I opened up the book that I call my life, and I read you a page or two. If nothing else, you can understand me a little better. I don't think that it's okay that you choose to act the way you do, but I'm not sure if that's just the South piping up in me again, or if it's just me having relearned my humanity. Part of my oxymoronic nature is this...I have a double standard for everything. I'm looking at what you did from a calculated, social point of view, and I see this behavior as childish, apropos, and totally unacceptable on the whole social scale of things. Then enters my newfound humanity, *thank you Donje for helping me find it again*, and that is the part of me that was always the emotional doormat. It says that what you're doing is not right, if only because it is inherently backward. Others don't earn respect being assholes, even if you see it as such. Assholes are hated, feared, and generally reviled, even if they have the Presence to stand in a Social kind of way and be smiled at publicly. When all is done, they're alone, lonely, and bereft of friends. They've squandered their time in being assholian, which cannot Karmically reap any rewards. There is a time and place for said behavior, but those instances should be few and far between, and only used to make the point that people can't just walk on you and treat you the very same way! I understand...that's where you are. You are acting this way because you're tired of others using you, walking on you, and generally treating you in ways that are unacceptable. What I'm trying to say is that I think you're going about it on a wrong tangent.

Apparently, those that have earned such scorn from you are many, but here is the difference. Walk away. Don't allow yourself to become uglier, because you feel that is the best way. Retain your kindness, which I personally feel is a virtue, and rise above. It's so very hard, and much more easily written or spoken than really DONE, but hear me out. I've done it. I know that it is possible. My emotions are like faucets, and I can turn them on and off at will, for the most part. Some are more basic, instinctual, and those, hey, who CAN control those? You don't need to react to them, you need just the opposite. Hurt though it may to walk away and LET them be that way, be satisfied that those who hurt you will reap their just desserts. It's not easy, trying to do this, and it hurts. It hurts a great deal, but you know what? It's better than allowing negative things into your life voluntarily. When you react to them, you bring Drama, heartache, revulsion, and further bad things for yourself, but not respect. Respect is a very...how do you say...hrmmmm...touchy? issue with me. That word will do. I give respect where it is earned, and ONLY where it is earned. That includes my parents, and you wouldn't believe how my mother's eyes bulged when I told her that she did NOT get any respect from me for having put me here. Respect is freely given, on a general basis, until someone chooses to disrespect. Then, it can be withdrawn, or re-earned, depending. Relearning to respect someone is hard, harder than letting people be wrong, all on the basis that you know "they'll get theirs". Especially when one wants to lash out because they hurt...you want to make them feel the pain that you feel.

You can't. They're unwilling and their hearts are cold to you if they could treat you thus, and I hope you believe that. Okay...I'm done sounding self-righteous and preaching...I've got to go get ready to deal with life...*my job* is SCREAMING my name, and in a BAD Chicago accent. Maybe someday, you'll learn to respect me and forgive me. Someday.

Kenny

I replied - 

Kenny -

Thanks for waking up. Now I have to say something that I seem to tell a lot of people all the time.

You have said the right things to the wrong person.

Say them to Greg. His e-mail address is *I'm not making him that public* - or use ICQ - our phone number is *or me for that matter*.

Since we are now both rational (raging cancers that we are - I know you are only on the cusp ... but you have the traits ;) I have two things to share with you.

1) The things you tell Greg is this letter mirror exactly what I have been telling him. Thanks for the back up on that. But, try to remember you didn't follow your own advice right off the bat. Your explanations as to why are as valid as any - but here is something else I told Greg

"Your history means nothing. You learn what you want from the experiences. You can just as easily take bad things from a good experience and vice-versa. You have the choice to learn from your history, or be a victim of it. I don't have to tell you what the right things are - you KNOW what they are ... just do them with out excuses."

2) Greg and I had lunch today. I told him I had questions about that night. He agreed to answer them. My questions where intentionally vague so I could get him to volunteer information. With out really asking the questions directly - he did volunteer all the answers I needed.

First, he cleared up the time line for me.

Second, he cleared up a misconception from your e-mail ... I thought you had him picking fights with more then just Lynda. To him - it was not undeserved. I disagree with him - but this is an issue between THEM not us and has been going on for a while. You don't want it in your house - that is an issue between you two, or the household.

Third, he cleared up the conflict. There was never a knife - there was an argument. Not with just that person - but with many at the game (different conflicts mind you). I didn't ask for these issues. He volunteered them. Once I had that information I could easily see why this person would want to 'slander' Greg - and why many at the game might easily lie and go along with it.

Greg's idea of being meaner was to stop choking back on what he really felt and say what he meant. I am quite accustom to how telling the truth can really piss a lot of people off.

With out a list of the backers - I think I could guess them - all with there own reason to bad mouth Greg. I don't condone it - but I can understand it.

(PS - in your own 'interrogations' you said they all told you the same thing. Doesn't that alone seem kind of strange? Like they had the story made before they told it. - this isn't an accusation, this is an observation that points to something to look into. I also continue to add - I have only heard one side of the story at this point ... nothing makes an argument seem more true then to hear only one side of it. I'm not claiming to have all the answers yet ... but I am even more confident that I am standing in the right place).

In closing - I have talked to Greg about what he is going to do about this. I have advised against a lot of it ... but this is his conflict to resolve. He is fully aware of the consequences - These are his choices.

I also hope this comes to a good conclusion - but we do not have the control. If we really are Greg's friends we hold the responsibility of counsel and support. If he does something we don't like or disagree with - that falls under counsel. We have only the responsibility of Truth to our friends - even if they don't like it. Because of the love we have for them - we support them ... to get through the bad decisions they may make.

I almost didn't post this - because it is addressed to Greg. But he talks to us both and it was sent to us both.

Greg,

I haven't yet replied - but I'll post that.

===== 15:15

Kenny,

I almost didn't post this because it was addressed to Greg. I only said I would post anything that came to me.

Despite what it may seem - I do not have access to any of Greg's correspondences - his only access to mine is what I have posted.

As for me - I did not conscienously set out to do the things you mentioned by posting things on the web with names - but it all counts. It is amazing to me how people will run back to the dark like roaches when the light is on them. The only reason most people do the things they do, is because they feel no one is watching - even God. Problem is man is watching much more often, and he is a harsher judge then God.

I would like to say - that once I posted that warning - you where the only that continued to correspond. I'm proud of you for that.

Now maybe life can get back to normal and I can yell at Greg for things like sleeping 20 hours, putting the dip back the refrigerator empty along with a bag of chips that only had crumbs left in it. Time to figure out something ELSE for lunch.

0108.11

A reminder - this is out of Character knowledge - unless you where one of the characters that I enter acted with. This history is skewed to the point of view of Haywood - and his insanity.

PARENTAL ADVISORY E X P L I C I T   C O N T E N T *Warning* CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE, SEX AND VIOLENCE. PARENTAL ADVISORY E X P L I C I T   C O N T E N T ONCE AGAIN I REMIND READERS THIS IS FICTION BASED OFF OF A ROLE PLAYING GAME. THIS IS IN NO WAY TO BE THOUGHT OF AS ANYTHING OTHER THEN CONTINUOUS INTERACTIVE FICTION. The Game is played with the Rules of White Wolf (™)'s Theater of the Mind's Eye, Live Action Role Playing for VAMPIRE: The Masquerade©. Characters are the Intellectual Property of the Player. I was drawn by the madness. I could feel others like me, my family, around me. I opened the door to the outside world, and saw - stairs. Okay, it wasn't the door to the outside world, it was the door out of this room. I looked down the stairwell and saw someone coming up the stairs. I went back inside and stood behind the door and became unnoticeable. I don't know how I knew - but he did come in the door. He closed the door and saw the body of his friend. As he called out, I recognized his voice. He was one of the ones that fed me, and guard me. As he turned around I was there. I punched him back into a chair, and I told him to sit there and stay there. He was scared, so he did. I held up the invitation and asked how to get there. He didn't want to tell me, but I think after I tied him to the chair with his guts he knew I was serious. He told me to take his money and call a cab - it would be faster then trying to explain anything else. He instructed me to pick up an object on the wall with a string coming from it. I then pushed buttons with numbers on them - in the sequence he told me. I then repeat the address he told me to a voice coming from the device. I thanked him, and told him that I would reward him now - and I drank him dry. I then went down the stairs and opened the real door to the outside. The night! It welcomed me with a warm rush of air and all the magic it has always had. It felt so good to be outside! I could move around again. I didn't have walls around me. I could talk, I could see, I could move about! I was beside myself with joy! I stretched out my arms and spun around, raising my head up with a smile to greet ... Stars! I hadn't seen stars in ... how long had it been? Must bee a long time - they have all moved. There was a tremendously loud sound as this 'car' came to a halt behind me. The man inside was obviously agitated, he yelled at me to get out of the road, and asked if I was the one that had called a cab. I said yes, and showed him the invitation and told him to take me there. He did. The closer we got the more I could feel the connection to the madness. He stopped and asked for money - I gave him what the ghoul had given me - he seemed more then happy to have it, and drove off. I turned to see the building, and I could hear people inside. I could feel some of them. I entered, and looked around. All of them ... Kindred ... and I could sense my family. I approached one, and said hello. She said hello back and smiled at me. I hugged everyone there. I hadn't seen anyone for so long. Dr. Jenny, the woman I first met, made some introductions for me. I asked for the head of our family and she said she would arrange a meeting. I asked about the Prince (a Gangrel from all accounts), she said the head of the family 'Nat' would arrange a meeting. I explained that I was new to the area - in fact that I had been gone for a very long time. Annie asked if I had been asleep. I said that it would best describe what had been. There was a loud 'Bang!' and everyone said it was gun shots, coming from where the Prince was. I said I hoped he was across the room - then he would be safe. Annie had guns! I laughed at her for carrying them and told her how inaccurate they where. She and Dr. Jenny explained that they where much more accurate. Dr. Jenny talked to me like a scientist about chemicals, reactions, pressure, and forceful expulsions. I just loved to hear her voice, and actually see the person it was coming from. It was then I first heard the word 'plastic'. It seems to be what everything is made of now. Dr. Jenny even showed me a little pink elephant (it sat in her hand), I was fascinated - until it's eyes glowed red! I quickly covered my eyes! I didn't want to be the tool of an evil pink elephant! Dr. Jenny put the thing away and told me it was alright. Later, Annie also scared me by peeling the skin off her eyes. She explained that many can do this - that actually they are not the skin of the eye, but something like spectacles, or glasses. Annie then found Brrak for me. Brrak is family. He is also BIG! I also noticed that almost everyone had hair. Annie told me not to worry, it would grow back. He and Annie finally told me it was the year 2001! I had been asleep over 400 years! So long! Brrak said it would be alright and I hugged him. Then he helped me find 'Nat'. She was a very ... agitated woman. Very preoccupied with a lot of things. She had a little device that kept chirping in her pocket. She would take it out, talk into it, get more upset and then put it back. I thought she was crazy - but Brrak told me that it was a phone, and most people had them. She was just getting a lot of bad news. She told me she was really very busy, but she would take care of the formalities of getting me introduced. Brrak told her I had been 'out of circulation' for a long time now. She sighed - and told Brrak to keep an eye on me until they figured out what to do. Brrak promised to get me up to date on the world. He tried to explain many things to me. I found out Annie was an Anarch! Not Camarilla! But Brrak assured me that was alright. He promised me that there was something called a 'computer' that would help me learn all I needed to know. While he was explaining things to me, some people approached - kindred actually. They asked Brrak if they could form a treaty. I asked what family they came from that would need a treaty with the Camarilla. They told me they where Tremere - and part of the Camarilla. I was confused. Brrak told me later that not all of the families got along, and that they where not at war - but sometimes 'treaties' are made between the families to learn things. While they talked outside, a man in a uniform came up in a car that was different from the ones I had seen. Most are only one color - his was two colors. Everyone got very defensive - asked him what the was doing and wanted him to leave. He didn't - but everyone said it would be okay. Brrak explained he was a law enforcement officer. Kind of like a soldier where I came from. I asked if they where any good here. He said it depends, and asked why. I asked if Dead bodies cause problems. I was taken to 'Nat' again. I explained that when I woke up, I was hungry ... and angry. I left some dead bodies. If it's a problem I want to help fix it. 'Nat', Jake (her childe) and I then called the cab company to figure out where I came from. We actually had to go down and play with the mind of the woman to get the information we wanted. We found where I had been. Thing is, there where more dead bodies in the basement, then the ones I killed. I didn't like being in that place again. Especially after I saw the box. I was afraid - and I could feel the walls closing in on me. I felt bad, but I left them there. I ran outside. Pretty soon, 'Nat' and Jake came down and said we had to leave now! "Okay," I said, "Hey, I smell smoke." "Yes, you do!" She quipped, "That is why we have to go now!" She then pulled out her phone and called someone and report the fire. After she put it away she looked at me and said, "That caught fire much faster then I thought it would." We watched the city block burn to the ground. We laughed. Then we went back to the gathering - and I met the Prince. He was really sad. When I asked if there was anything I could do to help, he told me not to look at him anymore. So I didn't. 'Nat's phone rang again. She answered it, yelling into the phone and then wanted to crush it. She put it away, looked at me calmly then screamed, "I AM GOING CRAZY!" "You aren't crazy." I said calming her down. "We aren't crazy. We are mad, because we can see things the others can not. We really know what is going on. Don't we." "Yes!" she said with resolve. "You are right. We know what is going on." "Good." I said and pat her on the back. "So, what is going on?" "I don't have a clue." she said patting me on the back and walking back into the crowd. She said she would take responsibility for me. Then she got very busy, and said Brrak would. Then she changed her mind and I went home with her and Jake. But then Jake attacked her. She fought back, but I became confused. Jake curled up into a ball and cried on the floor. 'Nat' went to take a shower. Then Jake ran into the shower after her. There was a knock at the door, it was Brrak, there to check up on me. I stuttered for a moment - 'Nat' screamed and yelled 'get out'. Then Jake came running downstairs naked and out the door with his clothes in his hand. "I just saw Jake's Johnson." Brrak said in amazement. "He was naked." I said. "You are not staying here." and he took me to his home. We arrived as the sun was coming up. He called 'Nat' to let her know I was safe.

I am still trying to get a hold of the players for Natasha / Valerie and Brrak to find out what I would be doing for the rest of the week.
Annie gave me money for clothes - Brrak has promised me access to computers to learn about the world around me. Natasha is still responsible for me - I have to see what they would do with me. I also have to find out what I would have learned out of the characters. I think I may have to play up a hidden romance or crush on Brrak.

I was waiting until I had that information before I wrote this - but, after the last week - that first line stood out for me. It was how I 'found' the gathering. There is a Malkavian thing called the 'Insanity Network' where we can sense others like us and are drawn to each other.
The scene with "We really know what is going on -". Out of character, that player and I had to sit down and laugh our asses off for about 5 minutes. She compliment me on it - it is classic Malkavian thought.

I spent a lot of money here recently. I bought a Malkavian pin - and shirt. I also got a shirt for the Ravnos, Nosferatu, and the Gangrel. One for every clan I have played. The Gangrel one is a bit of a stretch - but my Nos was loyal to the clan and it's ways. I may actually play one someday ... If I'm still with it.

Something else I thought of the other night. Maybe another reason many so quickly believed that Greg could pull a knife on someone - people in the Cam have already been conditioned to believe what others tell you. You walk into a room, and it described to you so you know how your character will react to it. If people are there, they are described to you - and frequently you are give emotions to feel toward them. It's part of the game.

I think many are forgetting when the game ends.
I was having problems with the Cam before. I almost quit a year ago. But then I had a really good time at the game. I enjoy the game. I figured I could just tolerate the players. I did. I have taken all problems one at a time. This is the first time a problem has come about that effects more then one person at a time.
I still haven't seen many of the people involved in this ... I'm sure it's far from over. I'll let you know how it continues.

==== 19:20

I preface this with only one thing - Melissa is the ICQ message above that first informed me of what was going on. I hadn't made my declaration yet - so I took her name out. I don't go back and change entries once I've made them (except for editing my own grammar and such at the end of each year).

>I originally started this on ICQ.. but as I was typing I realized that maybe it was going to be too long and needed to make sure that you actually got the whole message instead of five long ICQ's which could annoy anyone. anyway -

>I just finished reading your journal. I know it may have seemed.. and now that I look back it really looks that way too, that I flew off the handle. But I can't compromise the fact that I was upset for one reason - the yelling and bad mouthing of people by him that I considered friends.
>This is a mess, and I have fucked something up on all sides. Somewhere I have lost something and it's taking this and other situations to make me understand that something is different with me and I can't put a finger on it. There was a time that I would have come strait over to your house and asked you how you were doing simply because I cared. I cared a lot about my friends. Now - it's are you talking to me and if you aren't Fuck you....

>How that happened and how I have closed myself off to all I don't know. Barb is mad at me right now because I chose to be mad at her and not talk to her about why I was mad because for once I was sick of running her down and asking why all the stuff that was happening was happening. Why our friendship has changed and why I don't ever see her any more and the one time that I really need some companionship....she calls me back and tells me that she can't after she agreed to it because it's Dave's day off and it is more important to spend time with him.  Short version on that... I think there is a lot more about the situation that is not being said at this point but That's something Barb and I are going to have to resolved or dissolve...
>
>The situation with Greg has brought me to terms with things. Some how I lost a control point in my life. I don't know where it went. And I am not exactly sure why it's gone, but I have lost my tolerance of people in general. My home was the last place I thought I would be violated in (And I am not just talking about Greg's show here) But I feel at times that I have allowed factors to enter my life that I can't control. And frankly - I was never concerned about control before so why is it a factor now - why?
>
>Hell if I know. There is something that I have to change or I am not going to be a very happy person. Not that it matters me telling you that, just that typing it seems to get it out and now I can examine it - or something like that.
>
>I used to have a kind of tolerance for people. I was really starving for friendships and relationships that I would put up with anything. Once, because the thought just crossed my mind, I was a fifth grader, I had a "friend" - she really wasn't but I was so rejected by others in my class that I got attention from the only person that was willing to give it to me. She invited me to sleep over at her house and then proceeded to tell me that I had to sleep on the floor without blankets or pillows.. (it was winter) and then when we were playing some game, she threw all the pieces on the floor...legos...lots of legos, and she demanded that I pick them up because I was a fat cow that needed training. She then proceeded to call me names until I started to cry. AFTER I picked up all the legos, I went downstairs and called my mom. She came and picked me up from the girls house. I do remember that the next day I went back to school and she wasn't there. I still don't know what happene!
d !
t!
>o her. My teacher said that she wasn't coming back. And later I find out that other kids in the class knew that she was going to do this. They told me, but they didn't think she would actually do it. Most of my life, until I graduated high school goes like that. I would pick my friends wrong or somehow the people that I thought were my friends or best friends really weren't - they were feeling sorry for me. The fat girl didn't have a friend so I will let her talk to me.
>
>Where all this is coming from I don't know really... and frankly I am sorry that it's in the email, because I feel like I am kinda off track here , but if I delete it ... there might be something lost that I meant to say or said and it's in there somewhere and to hell if I know what it really is supposed to be.. but your good at puzzles... so I leave it for content sake.
>
>Interesting that really the only reason I reacted to Greg was that he scares me. Something that I wouldn't tell him to his face. Mostly because if you say to someone that they scare you - it gives them power. There are a few other people that do that to me but they all think that I am a bitch and some of them are afraid of me. I put on good show, make them think that I am not afraid. But when he was over here the other night - I was scared. And knowing that you lived with him I was scared for you as well. You might think that I saying this to garner something from you. But I watched Barb go though three kinds of hell and I have been though parts of it myself. I know that you are capable of taking care of yourself. But I can't let it happen - no matter how remote enter my life again. Because I will be the victim. I have played the part too many times.
>
>And he has been sending me messages over ICQ, I deleted his name so that I wouldn't have to get them anymore. I am afraid. I am scared and I don't like it... I reacted with anger. I am sorry that that is what happened, but I can't deal with my past as well as some people - I can only move on, and hope.
>
>I'm sorry -
>
>Melissa

My Reply -

Melissa,

You read the journal, so you know this ends up in the Journals.
I don't know what you intended to accomplish with this letter. It is only some what of an explanation of why you acted as you did. It almost seems like an apology of sorts - but you owe no one an apology ... or an explanation.

I said this to Kenny - I'll say it to you. As a friend you owe nothing more then the truth, and support. You have that from me. I'll tell you the truth and support you through the things you do (good or bad).
I don't think you have treated Greg fairly. That is my opinion. You owe him nothing - not friendship, not fairness, not love, or respect.
If you do not like Greg, for any reason - or no reason at all - then that is your right. You don't want him around you - that is your right. You say you are afraid of him - but that seems like something from the night of the 'incident' - what was it before?

You mention concern for me. Thanks. I do think it is misplaced. You really want to look out for my best interests - tell me the truth, and support my decisions on how to use it. You said you don't want me to become a victim - like I'm not already.
You talked about how you took any affection you could get - you don't see this in me right now? Seems like we have a lot in common. You are after all talking to someone that has, not once - but twice - fallen head over heels for a man that promised me affections and professed love - even moved into my house and has given me nothing - not even the satisfaction of voluntarily seeing them naked - or even the dates they originally promised. You want to go into victim sob stories we can stay up all night and cry about them like we used to.

You mention a lack of control - You never had any. You say you weren't concerned with control before and you don't know why you are now. I think you always have, you only now are concerned with it because you feel you are losing it. - I'd rather talk to you more about that, rather then write it.

I think you have misjudged yourself. I think you are stronger then you think. Oddly enough, the points you consider weak, that you are trying to hide - could be some of your strongest traits. Your vulnerable spots are still in the open. Kind of like going into a stick fight with amour on your head that cuts down on your vision - with nothing on your hands to protect your knuckles.

Bottom line - You have some things to work out with Greg. You need to talk to Greg about them - not me. I have no control over your feelings, or Greg's actions - and vice versa.
My biggest problem with this whole thing was people wanting me to act as a middle man or to 'fix' Greg when no one is broken. I really do believe that we are a masterpiece - all we have to do is look ourselves and realize it.

Love you
Your Friend,
Bret      MiSfI+

0108.12

I'm nearly ashamed of the way I acted.
It almost hurt to put that last letter up. These are the kinds of things I frequently find out about my friends that I began the rule about this journal being about MY life - not the people around me. But when I say something, I mean it. EVERYTHING that comes to me about Greg and this situation - is going here. Frankly, I hope it dies down into nothing very soon - not only so I don't have to make these kinds of decisions, but because this page is getting very long.

Well, I had fun. I'm nearly ashamed of the way I acted - but I had a really good time.
Went to the Sabbat game. I didn't play. Greg wore his 'outfit' - I looked at it and asked if he would like to borrow my pleather pants (jeans just didn't go with the look). He tried them on, they fit, he wore them. Greg and Likwid went ahead, I showed up later. I needed to talk to two of the other players for information (and I did). I ended up outside talking to everyone on a break and such. Was having a great time. We even went for pizza and brought it back.
Went to the Party. One I actually received an invitation to. It was a great party. It was held somewhere Greg could go (There was some doubt of that for a while - I decided that if Greg was ban, I wouldn't go either. Greg was thinking about not going, but that was not the point. I don't want to be somewhere that a friend of mine isn't allowed to go.) Only one person (that I know of) brought up the knife thing. I almost jumped in - but Greg handled himself really well.
Here is what I saw and heard - 
Greg and Lance playing a fighting video game. Greg won. Lance got up and passed the controller to Rodger - next in line. Greg held up his fist,
"Good game - good game." Lance continued to walk off,
"What ever." Lance said.
"What? I'm just saying it was a good game even though you lost. You aren't being very nice about it."
"I don't need to be smacking your hand every five minutes." He said in response (which is why Greg held up his fist - to smack them together in that sports-like handshake).
"I'm just trying to be nice and - " he began to stutter for the word - I helped.
"Sportsmanship-like."
"Yeah! That's the word." Greg said and thanked me. Lance had pretty much walked off by now.
"So," Rodger said having selected his player, "Is this going to be a repeat of Tuesday?"
"What about Tuesday?" Greg asked.
"Are you going to get all pissy and pull a knife on someone again?"
"I didn't pull a knife on anyone." Greg said and selected his character for the game.
"That's not what the other guy said."
"He was lying." Greg said.
"If you say so." Rodger retort.
They play the game. I became distracted by other events. I believe Greg won - he was a champion there for a while. I don't know if he got beat, or got bored and passed it on. I didn't hear anything else, so I assume it was dropped.

Lots of alcohol. Party games. It was hot - once again, I was shirtless. So was Greg, Likwid not long after - and many others.
Why I was nearly ashamed of the way I acted.
There was a guy I have seen at a couple of the games. At the Sabbot game, he actually came over and said 'Hi'. I said 'Hi' back and we both became drawn into a conversation around us.
Later he actually introduced himself to me.
At the party we talked some more. It wasn't like he was only talking to me, but I wasn't excluded from his conversations - and he would address me in them, draw me back to them if someone else was talking to me also. Filled me in on things I missed. He was nice. I learned a lot about him - the main thing that he is straight. Thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend. Had some alternative girls that he was thinking about. Later, he corrected many that thought he was not acting Straight 'I'm straight with some curves'.
There was a collection of 'Breast and Penis shots'. Yes, where we gather around and dare each other a while then flash each other. Yes, I participate. So did he.
The host of the party was also quite taken with this man. The host of the party was that friend of Devin's that I have run into several times. He and I fawn over this man most of the night. It didn't help when he got 'lose' enough not to care, and hot enough to want to - ... and took off all his clothes. He became known as the 'naked man' at the party.
He would stand next to me, put his arm around me, talk to me, joke around with the whole party. There was a time (just before he took off everything - after the penis shots) he was trying to prove that he was a good kisser. He was looking everywhere for a female volunteer. He wasn't getting much luck - the girls where not interested in trying to judge a contest. I'm sitting on the couch finding it kind of funny the way he was getting turned down - half paying attention to the TV and watching the others play the video games. Suddenly I hear this,
"Okay fine - Come here you." and he reaches behind me. I turned toward his hands - thinking he was reaching for a girl to the other side of me and I might have to brace myself for a body coming over me. His hand lands on the back of my head, and he pulls me close - 
Yes, he kissed me. He tasted like banana's from his drink. He was a good kisser - little forceful with the tongue - but I wasn't going to complain.
Everyone thought the look of surprise on my face was funny. And my reply of "You taste like banana's" seemed to bring in another laugh.
Later, after all the clothes where gone - I did actually sit in front of him with my mouth open and my tongue out. Yeah, it was an invitation - but it wasn't excepted.
As the party wound down - I took someone home that needed a ride. I came back and found Likwid buried under adoring flesh. Greg was wondering about with many people that he knew - his mood wasn't as great (and I found out why later - he will be fine. Part of it was they he felt bad about ripping the pants I loaned him - I'm not as upset about it as I thought I would be ... I'm more upset about only being 85% gay on the sparks 'How gay are you?' test). I sat back down on the couch, where he was already sprawled out with his head in the hosts lap (where he played with his hair). I put his legs over me, and played with them.

At 5am I gather up Greg and Likwid. I determined that Greg actually was sober enough to drive (not that he needed to but - ) and Likwid wasn't (I've been testing drunks long enough to know). I still had Likwid's keys - and he had already planned to crash at my place again. We offered to have Greg Drive his car to my house (thus - Greg was sober enough) - but we decided that we would just come back for it in the morning.

Home by 5:30am. Alarm set for 11am. Likwid had to be at work by noon. We crashed.

I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about everything I had seen and heard that night. Then there was the knock at the door at 9am. The mother of a friend of Greg's was looking for her son. I knew he had been at the party. I told her that he should be just fine, I think he passed out there. She explained that he was supposed to pick her up from work last night, and he wasn't home this morning - she feared the worst. I calmed her of that fear. I found a number for the host and I called the apartment. He was still there. I talked to 'the bartender' who told me a few things that I didn't tell the mother other then it was best for him to have been there - he was in NO shape to drive. She got him conscious enough and I talked to him for a second. Basically I told him his mother was here, and asked if he was in any shape to talk to her. He said yes. I passed the phone over.
She is obviously pissed - and with good reason. She asked when he would be home, then hung up the phone. She thanked me for my help and said that there was going to be a long talk when he got home. Typical Mother stuff. He's not going to be in good graces for a while, but things will work out I'm sure.
I was afraid that she was going to wake up Likwid on the couch. He never moved. Not until I had shut the door behind her.
"You are a parent helper!" He said and smirked.
"Hey," I said, "I did what had to be done. She is relieved he isn't dead. She has spoken to him. She doesn't know the number there or the address so it isn't like she can call or go over there to make a scene. That was all left up to her son."
Greg came out - the three of us talked until that alarm went off.  Greg went back to bed. Likwid got ready for work. I took him to his car and made sure it got started. 

Now I write this. I can't sleep. I told Greg we where going to clean house today. I don't know when he is going to wake up. I don't know how long I'll be up. I may have to put it off until tomorrow.

The only thing that really stands out in that morning conversation is that (and I can't remember how it was brought up) Greg asked me if I really thought I was desperate. Hello! Yes - I do! Look at the things I've been doing lately. In retrospect I'm wondering if Greg thinks I asked him out because I was desperate - thing is, I don't think I became desperate until he turned me down. I had built him up in my head a bit as my last chance. I guess last night showed me that maybe he wasn't - but I was drooling over the affections of a straight guy - hitting on women - without any of his clothes on.
My Friday night 'dates' are getting more and more desperate in action as well. Not to mention - I have not been having nearly the amount of luck there that I had ... and that is disheartening.

I think perhaps I have degrade myself enough. It's time to try and get myself esteem back.
I got many complements last night. I was told I was a good kisser (not only by 'naked man' but Donyelle who just wanted to know). I was also told by Likwid, and Greg in a round about way, but I quote
"At least he is one of the coolest of the gay men out there."
There is a funny saying - "I want to be the person my dog thinks I am." ... I want to be what my friends think I am. I want to get back to what I have been. I have gotten dust on the masterpiece - 
... I want to get myself back.
    ... I don't know how much longer I have to do it. - You know I didn't mention it here yet. Thank goodness not many noticed at the party. I pointed it out to Greg so he wouldn't be concerned (I caught him just as he woke up), Likwid noticed the minute he saw me. A vendor pointed it out to me at work. I thought it must be dirt - but I got home and checked it out in Mom's mirror. I have a black eye (really mild, but noticeable) and the only thing I can think of that caused it - at work, I had an eyelash fall in my eye. I rubbed it really hard to get it out. It worked - but because of my low platelet count ... I think I gave myself a black eye.
All this time I keep telling people that I am not made of glass - I don't break ... and I give myself a black eye getting an eyelash out. I can still see the needle marks from blood tests on Monday. ... How long will it take for the eye to heal?
I am standing on solid ground. I really am. I have two feet firmly planted on the earth.
I happen to be standing with my back to a cliff drop, and I'm cautious of the wind.
But honestly, anything could happen. Lose my balance once and I may not recover - into the abyss.

0108.13

Melissa wrote me:

I had to sit and re-read your answer so that I could figure out what I should say... not in my defense really but to answer some of the questions that were placed in the email.

As to Greg, I never wanted you to fix anything. I thought I was telling someone something I thought was important that they should know about the person that they were living with. Had nothing really to do with you trying to fix it and everything about me trying to figure out what the hell is going on and if you were getting the same kind of behavior.

In any case, this whole mess has gotten Greg what he wants, attention - good or bad.. he has it now in spades.

Greg bothered me before - Nothing I couldn't ignore at first but everything just seem to spiral downward. Plus, all the time saying "I love you" - it was funny at first and now it's plain disturbing.

Barb and I had a short conversation and we talked about what we needed to voice. The cool thing about Barb and I is that we always manage to fix it and with little words. I think she has been though things and so have I and instead of supporting each other we would tell each other what was going on so it was making the other one of us crazy. So for the moment everything is sorta status quo, which is something that I like for now.

But for the most part, I think I am getting to the point that I really need to think about where I am going with my life and if I should be motivating myself instead of sitting back and waiting for something to happen - some great sign that will hit me over the head and say HEY DUMB ASS - LOOK AT THIS! Barb even pointed out that I was just wallowing in depression. She comments that I usually either let the shit just roll on or I think of a way to fix whatever problems that I have. Well I need to find my tool box, because I am sick of where I am at right now, so time to get the shit fixed.

Hey I would love to get together, hopefully not to cry over old stories but to make new ones and then laugh about them. But it has been a while since we talked, I really miss that.

Bonus from last night - I think that I have managed to clear up almost all the misunderstandings except the one that this and other emails refer to. I still need to gage what I want to do about that. And as much as it seems that I wanted you to fix the problem it was more of the fact that I wanted you to be aware of it. Fixing is something I rarely ask other people to do. If I broke it I should fix it, end of story. But you were right the letter was more of an apology to you than anything, and trying to explain myself and what I did earlier.

SO ending this letter on a not so sour note... that Scott (change the name if you have to and then delete parentheses) ouch - too cute for his own good and not a bad kisser. Wouldn't mind getting me some of that when he isn't three sheets to the wind. )

Now if you don't mind - could ya put in a good word for me... not looking for dates or anything, but a good time is all I seek... unless he has email or something. You are going to have to dish with me. I need the 411. )

Laters - and Love - Melissa

My reply -

Hi, Melissa -

I guess I feel the need to explain a bit now.

You are right, you never asked me to 'fix' anything - I believe it was Kenny that originally asked me to help him Fix the problem that he had with Greg.

I over react a bit with you because I had just finished telling Greg that he was imagining all this hostility from you - then you ICQ me calling him a psycho - say you don't hate him, just really don't like him at all - then start spreading rumors you have heard about him.

I do want to thank you for bringing to my attention - no, not in the least have I been seeing any behavior out of the ordinary for Greg. I'm not in danger by having him here.

The situation became, for me, very emotional quickly and I have to admit I suffered from - lump all of them into one group and deal with it at the same time in the same way.

I've started to sort things out now.

As for when Greg says 'I love you' - why can't he? Maybe you need to look at what you put into those words. I can't speak for Greg, so perhaps you should ask him what he was putting into those words. I know that when he says it to me he is just trying to say that he cares about me as a close friend. After all - I say it to you. If it disturbs you, let me know - I'll stop.

All things considered, I don't think Greg is looking for attention (by the way - I'll stress the 'I think' part of that) - other then trying to call attention to some of the things that are going on around him - mainly the way people are treating each other around here.

Glad you and Barb are working things out.

Yeah, Likwid is good looking - but for different reasons I think we are both very much out of luck for being anything other then friends with him - we can talk details in person.

And, yes, we should get together again. It is our modern day hectic schedules that we can't seem to work around. I have a lot of lab stuff to do in the next few days. I'll see if I can't catch you at work and maybe we can do lunch and work on some other times to get together.

Later my Lady of the Moon

Your Friend,

Bret

I'm off to work now - then lots of lab. I have a new bruise on my arm - don't know where it came from. I guess I'll want the IGI treatment even if my platelets have jumped.

===== 15:00

Platelets did go up - but only to 11000. I got an IGI treatment. The staff there occasionally frightens me in there practices. I told them I was there for my normal lab - but would be seeing the nurses for a treatment unless my lab had taken a considerable jump. They said that would be fine.
I got my lab back. Knew I would be getting a treatment. I sat there, fell asleep, woke up - checked my watch, asked if there was a problem since I hadn't been called back yet.
They informed me that I wasn't on the schedule for the Dr. - (Dur!) I told them it was the nurse that was going to see me if my lab hadn't improved - it hadn't.
They informed me that I wasn't on the schedule for the nurse. I informed them they should call back and get this cleared up. The nurse came out to get me and apologized for making me wait - they didn't know I was here.
They set up an appointment for me. I told them about the mystery bruise and the black eye. They said they would let the Dr. know - but somehow I doubt it will happen since no one wrote anything down.
I got the IGI treatment. The nurse looked at my blood work (yeah, after the treatment), and commented that everything else was looking pretty good considering everything else going on in my system. I agreed. I feel good. If not for these weird bruises I'd be feeling just fine. She comment that it looked like my hair was coming back pretty well and asked how long I had been off the chemo.
"I'm not on chemo." I said. "I don't have cancer - I have ITP which is HIV related."
"Oh," She said, "Well, that explains the blood work looking so good."

I really don't ask a lot - but shouldn't it be standard practice to know your patients before you go into the room - look at the chart for a few details before you start poking them with needles and trying to make small talk about there treatment programs.

I then went by Melissa's work to see how she was - and if maybe she could get free for lunch. She wasn't there. They told me she didn't show up for work - had called but couldn't get an answer. I told them I would check back later. I decided that I had nothing better to do but clean the appartment - I was going to try and spend some time with Melissa anyway - so I drove by the house to make sure everything was okay.
On my way there - I noticed my hand ... wasn't the right shape.
Under the band-aid where I had just gotten the treatment - was swelling ... alot.
I stopped at Melissa's house. She and some others where home. I found everything was fine (work has been scheduling her on days she isn't supposed to work - like days she has class etc.). Well, glad that everything was okay - I showed her my hand and asked if I should go and get it looked at. She said yes! I said good bye to all there and left.

Back to the Doctor's. I went to the receptionist and showed her my hand - she sent me directly back to find the nurses. I did. She looked at my hand - went to the Dr. - came back and told me to apply pressure to it - maybe keep it more elevated. They wrapped it in more stretchy gauze and I left. They didn't seem that concerned about it - so I'm not. If it is still there tomorrow - I'll be back really pissed off though.

Came home - and despite the fact that I am starving - am writing this. Since the next few things are going to be cut and paste and transcription - I'm going to make some food.
Last night I found something while I was cleaning that I decided fit into what has been going around me lately that I should put it here. When I came home I checked e-mail and Griffin had sent me something very similar, so I will share it also. Then I need to write my Brother back - because he seems to have flipped out over something and I need to make sure he's okay.

Griffin sent me this - said he found it on a message board.

Assumptions...

 

WE assume things by what

THEY say and do.

 

WE assume way too much and

THEY assume way too little,

WE assume way too little and

THEY assume way too much.

 

WE want to play and

THEY want to be serious,

WE want to be serious and

THEY want to play.

 

WE want them to have lots of friends,

THEY want us to be their only friend,

WE want them to be our only friend and

THEY want us to have lots of friends.

 

WE want them to grow up and

THEY want to stay the same,

WE want to stay the same and

THEY want us to grow up.

 

WE ask for help and

THEY help us,

WE help them and,

THEY do not help us.

 

WE want them to love us and,

THEY hate us,

WE hate them and

THEY want to love us.

 

WE do not want to hurt them and

THEY want to hurt us,

WE want to hurt them and

THEY do not want to hurt us.

 

WE assume we know them and

THEY know us,

WE assume

THEY know us and

WE know them.

WE assume when

THEY assume not,

WE assume not when

THEY assume about us.

 

You and me & us and them...

This I found last night while I was cleaning. It was in a stack of papers my Father had given me. These are the kinds of things my Grandfather had been teaching me from a very early age. I consider it second nature, but recently I have been shown that many have never even heard of this.

What's the difference between ...
REPUTATION AND CHARACTER

Character is the one thing we make in this world and take with us into the next.
The circumstances amid which you live determine your reputation:
    The truth you believe determines your character.

Reputation is what you are supposed to be;
    Character is what you are.
Reputation is the photograph;
    Character is the face.
Reputation comes over one from without;
    Character grows up from within.

Reputation is what you have when you come to a new community;
    Character is what you have when you go away.
Reputation is made in a moment;
    Character is built in a lifetime.
Your Reputation is learned in an hour;
    Your character doesn't come to light for a year.
Reputation grows like a mushroom;
    Character grows like the oak.
A single newspaper report give you your reputation;
    A life of toil gives you your character.
Reputation makes you rich or makes you poor;
    Character makes you happy or makes you miserable.
Reputation is what men say about you on your tombstone;
    Character is what angels say about you before the throne of God.

                William Hersey Davis

I would like to add - that I have never felt my Reputation to be that important. Reputation is fickle, it can be built and destroyed in seconds over the truth a lie or even a misunderstanding. Character is important - Character is what allows you to survive your Reputation.

Attached to that was this piece of paper from an Unknown Author. This more then anything else I have been trying to get threw Greg's head - but I think it needs to be drilled into a few of the others around as well.

ANYWAY

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
    Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives,
    Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
    Succeed anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
    Be honest and frank anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
    Do good anyway.
The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest minds.
    Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs, but follow only top dogs.
    Fight for some underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
    Build anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
    Give the world the best you've got anyway.

I explained it to Greg this way on the way back from Lawrence.
You can't expect people to be nice to you just because you are nice to them. You can't control how they feel about you. You should not be nice to people just to get them to be nice to you. They owe you nothing for anything you do. You should be nice to people because you are supposed to be, and you know it, not because you expect it back.
Expectations are pre-planed disappointments. Don't expect anything back for what you do - do it because you know it is the right thing to do. Rise above what they do to you - be better then they are. Do not let them make you bad, when you know you are good and doing the right thing.
Bottom line - Deep down in your heart - you know what the right thing is. Do it without fail. Not because it will get you something - but because deep down in your heart, you know it is the right thing to do.

I was raised to follow the words of Rudyard Kippling's 'IF'. I reread it every now and again to check myself.

I'm done now - getting off the soap box.

© August 2001 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)