October 2K

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© October 2000 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

There was a knock on my bedroom door at 3:30 am. I woke up out of a dream I can't even remember now.
"What?!"
"It's me."
"Greg?" I couldn't get my eyes to adjust. It was only the shape of his head that I could see - barely. He didn't have any lights in the apartment turned on, he didn't open the door to my room.
"Your key is on the shelf." he said, low and nearly monotoned.
"Shelf?" I said trying to think of where I had a shelf. "On top of the computer you mean?"
"Whatever." he said, and I knew he was hurt.
"Are you okay?" I asked
"Yeah -" but the affirmation wasn't in his voice. "I just have some thinking to do."
"Do you want to talk?" I asked, actually beginning to return to consciousness.
"No." - well, nothing there had changed, but I still wanted to try.
"Are you sure? Because I'm here if you ever want to. Now to whenever."
"No." he said again. I could here him shuffling away (had to have the slippers on, its the only time he really 'shuffles').
"Are you coming to Sunday dinner?" I asked, raising my voice some because I knew he was leaving. I heard some more shuffling.
"What did you ask me?"
"Well, I asked if you where coming to Sunday dinner, but I just realized I'm not going to be here tonight. I have to talk to the TAP volunteers then."
"I don't know." he said. "Maybe. I got to go."
I waited until I heard the door shut. I got out of bed and found a pair of pants. I went to the bathroom and peed. Then I went into the front room, locked the door, took the key from the top of the computer, and put it on the key ring next to Devin's copy. I turned off the lights, ditched the pants, and crawled back into bed. I never thought I feel asleep again, until the alarm woke me at 5:30 for meds.

It was harder then I thought. I still hold hope that he and I can work this out.

For everyone - including Greg if you happen to be reading this - I want to clear up two things.

1) I didn't think he pity me because I had HIV. I think I said it here before - he pity me because I felt lonely. Which is why it still made a difference to me that he was here. I liked it. I didn't have to see him - only know he was here, and I felt better. But I always said I wanted more then that. I wasn't a lamp post in this room. I'm a person that misses him a great deal already.
2) Pity and Indifference may not be what he felt. In fact I'm near certain that he never felt either. But that is how he treated me - it's what he did. What you feel and what you do are two different things. People react to what you do. No one can tell what you think or feel.

Rodger and I went to see 'Gone in 60 seconds'. That could account for the car dreams again. I couldn't tell if I was fixing or stealing them - just trying to get them to run. In my Dream dictionary cars are symbols of the self, or denote self control issues. As always, the feeling about the car and how you relate to it are the key.
After the movie I took Rodger to the unsanctioned Troupe game, and asked Devin for my key back. He didn't have a problem with it. He was just thinking the other day how he wanted to get rid of some keys. He agreed that he couldn't remember the last time he used the key other then the note for the car -

actually I do remember ... can't remember what for, but when ... day before Rodger moved into his apartment. After Rodger moved in - he didn't come over here any more. Checked his e-mail on Sundays until he got his own computer. Now I only see him at the games.

Going backwards through the day, one other interesting story - from my mother. It kind of backs up a lot of that society stuff I was talking about earlier.

My mother's boss was evidently going over the deductions in my mom's paycheck. She called my mother into the office and asked,
'In your United Way donation you have $20 to TAP. Are you sure you want to give so much?'
"Shut the Door." was my mother's response, because she was about to lose her temper. She then told her boss that both her sons where gay, and that one had HIV. Mom said she looked dumbfounded. Then her boss said,
'Sorry.'
"Don't be. He handles it better then I do."
'You should be proud of him.'
Mother said she left the room.
"Let her think whatever she wants. She doesn't have to tell me to be proud of my sons, let alone question how much or who I give my money to."

it bothers me some that Greg took his headphones (the one he wears listening to the computer) - kind of like he isn't coming back.

We sat in the garden and talked. We talked about a many things, but in the end it all relate back to ourselves. We spoke of relationships, expectations, and the no-thing.
"it doesn't take much to get me started with an expectation." I said, and he readily agreed. I only thought to myself, a rose, a hello, a dance, an invitation - so very little.
"I did what had to be done. His behavior had reached a level that I could no longer tolerate."
"You know," He said, "You have all but done take out Billboard space to say 'I want a relationship, but I am afraid of it'."
I raised one finger to point out, to correct - then stopped.
"I was going to be wrong." I said, "I was going to say I'm only scared of parts of the relationship, but that means I'm afraid of the relationship."
"When you point a finger, how many point back at you?" I looked at my hand and grin with acknowledgement.
The teacher got up with a bow, and left me to a class that approached. Only three came, small but intimate. Questions came and I answered the best I knew how. They thanked me for my wisdom (which I didn't feel I had) but bow in respect as they left. I thought about what I had said.
I stare into the reflecting pool.
BOO-HAA! = SPLASH! =
The brick sank into the pool, leaving me drenched in self pity. I watched as the pool, completely disrupted, ungulate in a perfect rhythm. Ripples of perfect circles echoing back on itself. Beauty in the chaos.
"You missed me, Jax." I said a little angry.
Did I now?
Then I saw my reflection.
"Renzai Klown."

It occurred to me as I said, 'Object of my affection'. Zen mirror. At least on some level, I owe Greg an apology.

When I got in the car this morning - I found it odd that these particular lyrics would stand out so clearly to me as the radio came on with the car. When I got to work, I wrote them down.
I thought perhaps it would have something to do with Greg, after all, I still haven't seen or heard from him since he left without the key (and I didn't even see him that morning - just his shadow). I've been by his house twice - he wasn't there. I don't want to bother him at work.
Instead, at 10:35 - Mother calls with the news. She said that Grandma had a bad night, she was there with her the whole time - then this morning, she got very calm, went to sleep and passed away. I found odd that mother actually used the words, 'she was peaceful and passed along easy.' then I heard that song on the muzik at work.
What also struck me about the muzik - it was a bit more somber today. All love songs like usual. Most days it drives me crazy with all this talk of relationships, I love you, mushy-mush ...
I listened more closely today. These love songs ... aren't love songs. They are missing someone songs.
I remember a lyric from a commercial for 'Dawson's Creek'.
"Tell me Love isn't true
It's just something that we do."

Grandmother - Thank you so much for helping me learn this. I hope I can apply it.
Thank you also for all the memories you have left behind for me. Hugs and kisses, and that cooing sound you used to make that I love so much. For late night sugar buzzes while watching silent movies on TV. Gardening and yard work with a cool drink waiting. For teaching me to sew. For encouraging me in whatever I did.
For the laughter as you rubbed my shaved head.
Just for being there - ... just for being.

I love you Grandma, and I will always miss you.
Perhaps that should be the other way around.

You would think that two concepts as separate as this, wouldn't be so interchangeable ...
'After the ecstasy, the laundry.' I have some brain washing to undo.

Thank you for this message Grandmother. Your wisdom was always more subtle than Grandpa's. Is there anything else you would like to say to me before I let your spirit pass through me?

When someone tosses you a tea bowl
-- Catch it!
Catch it nimbly with soft cotton
With the cotton of your skillful mind!
-Bankei

Whatever interests,
is interesting.
William Hazlitt.

...
You know it's spooky how those sayings - sound just like something she would have said , and in an odd way, encapsulates what she did in her life.
The first, the way she handled her relationship with Grandpa and situations in life. The second the way she found out about life. (Crossword puzzles made her learn everything - it was second nature for her to know something about everything because it was all interesting and connected).

The calls began last night. Family that hasn't been in touch for so long they still thought Mother lived here. Family is beginning to gather. My Aunt and cousin are here, I pick Jason up from the airport tonight. Dad called to tell me that he heard, I gave him the funeral information.

It was strange, he approached with such small talk, I forgot he said it until the misunderstanding that made him feel a little worse.
"I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy." he said.
"Thanks," I said wondering how he knew. "But my Grandmother's passing wasn't unexpected."
"Oh! Your Grandmother died?" he said. Then I had to think back. This conversation started off with he had seen me on TV.
"Yes," I said as I realized. "Oh, you meant -"
"I'm so sorry to hear about that also." he said.
"It's okay. Really. It's just that HIV isn't a tragedy. A lot of good things have come from it over the past 7 years."
"You've had it that long! How old where you when you found out?" he asked.
Education occurs in the strangest ways. He part with some new information and condolences for my loss.

I ran some errands for Mom - picked up a delivery that she wasn't there for. Going to take a nap so I'll have enough rest to go and get Jason tonight.
It rained all day today. As if the heavens wept for her passing. I let it wash over me.
"Are you going to be alright?" she asked with such concern.
"Yes, I'll be fine."
"Are you sure? Because you know how I was when my friend lost her husband. You can tell me how you feel?" she add.
"I'm fine. Really. You and I view Death very differently." I said reassuringly.
"Are you going to be alright?"
"Yes, Thank you, Gabby. Take good care of her. She's important."
"You know I will. She's in the best hands - the only hands - I have. Remember, they all come to me equal."
"Gabby, ... Thank you."
"You're welcome, Honey. Sleep well."

Oh, I still haven't heard from Greg. I know he wants to talk though, Lucky said he got the letter and had to vent to him. Lucky wouldn't tell me what he had to say, that it wasn't his place. Most possibly the most adult thing I've heard Lucky say.
I hope to see Greg soon, but things may get a bit delayed here for a time.
Also, Shawn Decker is coming into the area in a couple of weeks. I can't wait to met Gwen and catch up with Shawn.

A lot of what I want to write about is work. It isn't good business sense for me to write about a lot of it. Much of it also wouldn't make any sense unless you where in the grocery business.
Most of it boils down to feeling a little insecure, afraid and excited about opening a new store and being a part of it.

A lot of what I want to write about is how busy I've become with Volunteer work. Trying to schedule that around work as hectic as it has become. This month proves to be very interesting in how much I plan to do.

A lot of what I want to write about is Greg. To sum up the events since the letters - he avoid me for a week. He came over on Sunday, but we couldn't really talk as I was on my way out to take my Brother to the Airport. We went to the Movie on Monday. He had Tuesday off work and spent that day over here as well.
My brother asked me on the way to the Airport, what my expectations where about when we finally talked. I told him I didn't have any - really, I did have some, but I was truly trying not to have any. Not to let the expectations form and deal with the situation as it unfolded. I then wrote my brother this passage.

All in all, I'm still being assaulted by a bunch of mixed messages from him. These past few days I've talked to him more then I have in the past month. I've been learning more things about him. Between what I have been learning, and the messages I have been getting -
and I realize the Zen mirror is in play here -
I think he is trying to punish me somehow. For what exactly, I don't know.

Because of all of this - I don't want to write about it. I've spent to much time writing and not enough doing.

Much of what I want to write about is the time I spent with Jason. The memories, the psycho-analysis, the debates, the encouragement, the teasing - all the great brotherly things. There is so much a book wouldn't do it justice - why try to make it fit in a paragraph or two?

He did help me realize one thing - the very tight line I have to walk, and fight is this -

Some where, I think about the time I became HIV positive - I lost that second one. That is what makes the wanting worse.

The rest of what I want to write about is the Funeral. Everything from quite talks and reminiscing, family strain, family love, grieving, gossip, gathering - so much stuff, everything from Candy to powder blue bikini briefs and a matching lace bra.

There is so much I want to write about, but can't figure out why.
It all seems so important to mention, but trivial -

That about sums it up.
I guess I'll have to rely on the voice in my head that is constantly writing to help me for a time. I just won't be able to go back and re-read it.

I'm off to the dark past - I suddenly feel a bizarre connection between Greg and Shawn. How he and I mentally abuse each other and dare each other to stay away. I want to see if I can find any of this in the past - and what it meant to me then.

For a Friday the 13th with a full moon, I'm doing pretty well.
Things at the store are falling into place - some. Being able to say both,
"I don't know" and
"It isn't my problem." have been very helpful to my sanity.
Looking forward to seeing Shawn Decker and Gwen on Monday.
The store gave me Tuesday and Wednesday off before going to the new store (they anticipate that much overtime, and long days - which reminds me, if I don't write for a few weeks ... now you know why.) so I'll be able to spend some time with them without having to worry about going to work the next day.
Had to drop out of a speaking engagement. I called to say that I had the day off and I would be able to go. Then she said she would see me on Thursday. Catching that, I asked which day. She had originally told me the 18th (Wednesday), but she always went to this group on Thursday. Unfortunately it was on the 19th - I can't go. So, the call was to gracefully back out, rather then being able to accept.

Had my first little 'Addicts emergency' the other night. The only thing I'm going to say about it is - it wasn't until this happened, I realized just how many people around me are Addicts or Recovering Addicts. I'm still at a loss of understanding on how I became involved in such a circle - maybe I act more like and Addict then I ever thought.

I could have sworn I'd written one other time since Friday. Oh, well.
Finished Book 5 in the Dark Past. I have a sense of accomplishment (despite depressing myself by pointing out how I used to think about the age 30, reliving the 'loss' of Bill and my most embarrassing moment with a blind man).
Today was my last day at work -
I keep doing that, it was my last day at that store. I now have two days off then I get to go into a new store and try to do everything I can to get it up and running by the end of the month - then keep it running.
I'm looking forward to my day off tomorrow. That's because Shawn Decker is, by now, in Lawrence. I'm going to go down there to see his presentation at the Lead Center, then catch up with him and met Gwen. I kind of plan on being out late. At least later then my normal bed time of 9pm (I feel so old saying that - I wish I could go back to being the night owl I love to be). After that day off, I have another ... I don't know what to do with that one.
Greg evidently has those two days off also - at least that what he told me when I last talked to him. He also said he was going to come by after work that Saturday. I stayed up until 3:30 am - no show.

"How long have you and your significant other been together?" he asked me.
"My who?" I said stopping what I was doing to better concentrate, and catching up to the question.
"You and your - " he stumbled for a new word.
"Boyfriend?" I said trying to help him along.
"Yeah. How long have you been together?"
"I don't have one." I replied, wondering what had brought on this question.
"I thought someone told me you had a boyfriend."
"Maybe they did - but they are wrong. I have been painful single for about the past 7 or 8 years."
"Painfully single?" he repeat with a smile.
"I say that because I have been looking. I guess no one wants to put up with me." I said with a smile.
"Well you should be with someone!" he said laughing with me. My first thought was, I know. My reply was,
"I don't have to be. It would be nice though."
It occurred to me, later, that maybe he thought I should be with someone, because that would mean that I am 'taking someone with me' as I thought back to the way society oppresses in the most subtle ways those with HIV/AIDS. Much the same way my Mother felt insulted when she was told that she should be proud of me, the gay son with HIV, and not her other gay son, without HIV. The thought quickly passed, because it didn't seem like anything this guy would think. Turns out, he wanted to compare 'notes' on relationships since he and his significant other (shock!) had been together over 20 years (Impressed!).

Went Grocery shopping. Still didn't get everything I needed - we (as a store) are running out of things quick. I still spent more then I really have until payday. Hope I can cover it and the bills on payday, otherwise, I'm up the creek.

Guess I'll upload this and the finished Book 5. Then try to get on top of e-mail again.

So, I lay down for a two hour nap before going to Lawrence to see Shawn and Gwen. About an hour and a half later (what, you actually thought I would get to sleep the whole 2 hours?) Greg came over. He had the day off. I asked if he wanted to go with me. He asked if he could still wear his slippers (which is what he had on), I said I didn't care - so he came along.
We actually did some talking on the way up there. Everything from a lot of the things he does that I consider flirting (he started blowing on me through his straw again at dinner) that I really think he should stop or just tell me he is flirting so I know whether to become annoyed or enamored - to his living situation with Dave (Lucky) and what should be done about it (Greg really is only letting him stay because of the promise of money - which he needs (badly - now) and doesn't think he will get any of it if he lets Dave out of his sight. I've convinced him that he isn't going to get his money any faster if he's there, he's just going to continue to acquire debts to him - which he will not collect in time for his needs - and continue to hinder Dave's recovery and Greg's own sanity. I've offered to buy off Dave's debts to him - something Greg doesn't want me to do, but is considering seeing how badly he needs the money).
Found the Lead Center in Lawrence. We where early. As the place filled up, we where the only men for a very long time. The Audience was about 80% female. It was also, huge. They estimate about 1500 students in attendance. I told Shawn and Gwen later that I was a bit jealous of the crowd they can draw - but was overjoyed that they did, and did a really good job presenting information to them. There presentation last about an hour and 20 minutes - mostly question and answer. They have a great chemistry together that really carries on stage - we laughed, we cried, we learned.
Greg and I met up with them after the show. We went to dinner in Lawrence. We went to Buffalo Bob's (because Greg had a craving to go, and even though Gwen is a vegetarian - we couldn't come up with a better place to go. She had eaten earlier, and had the dessert (the only thing on the menu that was meat free) and some of the fries.) and Shawn and Gwen bought because we where driving them back to the hotel in KC. I really didn't want them to, especially since they didn't know anything about Greg coming along, but couldn't win the argument. We talked in the car on the way to the Hotel in KC and for a while in the Lobby of the hotel.
It was great catching up with Shawn and meeting Gwen. Greg liked them a lot also and even made the comment that he wished they lived here so he could talk to them more.
Now, getting them to the Hotel, I missed the exit - but recovered quickly. However, going home -
Well, Greg thought it was really funny - especially since he said I jinxed myself. I did mention that I didn't want to get lost. When I started to feel like I was, I was desperately trying to read the street sign, but mentioned that I couldn't because the 'dick' behind me was tailgating and I couldn't see because of the headlight glare in my eyes - then mentioned that was probably the sign that would have told me what I had to know (and in retrospect, I think it was). Then as the feeling continued I mentioned that a lot of the territory seemed familiar and that I hoped we where not making a big circle. I mentioned that once before I had gotten lost and didn't realize it until I was in the wrong State. About that time, the sign that said 'Welcome to Missouri' went by.
Sure enough, I had been circling KC. We stopped for Gas, and got directions. Following the directions they gave us to get back to the Toll road (that I was actually trying to avoid - but now lost would take) I found the road I was originally looking for, took that and got us home.
Left the house at 5pm. Ate dinner, went to Lawrence. Got there at about 6:30, Presentation at 7pm, met up with Shawn and Gwen at 8:30. Ate dinner and left Lawrence about 10pm. Dropped them off at Hotel about 11:15, left about Midnight. Should have been home about 1am - got here about 3am.
Greg only wanted to stop at his house to unlock it for Dave. His car was still at my house. We had plans to see a movie the next day (now that day) so Greg, actually about the time we left the hotel because we talked about it on the way home, decided that he would stay over at my house.
This actually came as a bit of shock to me. It's not like he lives really far from me (like a three minute drive). We talked about it because I said I had no problem with him staying over - I had plenty of places for him to sleep - then he repeat the list as I used to say it.
"I know, the couch, the spare room, your room or the floor in any of those locations." He said.
"Well, actually ... no - never mind." I said.
When I say never mind, I mean it. He pressured me for what I was going to say. So, I told him.
"I was going to say that there is no way you are going to sleep in my room now - but then I thought about it. I realize where I stand - I don't care if you sleep in my bed."
At first Greg said he would sleep on the couch. I told him I would prefer he took the spare room, its an actual bed that I think would be more comfortable. He then mentioned my room again. I decided to go with reverse psychology. I mentioned that I still had no problem with that. Gave him all the rules about my room (I sleep naked, doesn't mean you have to. I sleep on the edge of the bed, so if you come in later, go to the foot of the bed rather then crawling over me - less injuries that way). I felt a bit childish, but I was about daring him to sleep in my bed with me. Of course, he did sleep in the spare room. He checked his e-mail and played his games for about two hours before finally turning in.
We both woke up about 1pm. Decided on 'Met the Parents' with Ben Stiller and Robert Deniro. It was pretty good. Hard to tell if Greg ever likes anything until he decides to talk about it later. We came back here and started to watch TV. I ordered Pizza, we watched 'Buffy' and 'Angel' then rewound the tape and watched 'That 70's Show', 'Titus' and 'Dark Angel'. Should I mention that I said my hands were bored and Greg asked me to rub his feet? Lets just say I did, and leave it at that. He went home about Midnight. I went to bed about 1.
Now, it's today.
I cleaned up the computer. Have done this entry - will answer my last two e-mails then get out of the house to enjoy some of this day and figure out what the hell the last two days have meant to me. All I really hope is that I'm not - that Greg isn't thinking of me the way I thought of - Gods, past cycles in the mirror.

Thursday I get paid. I'll find out if I have enough to cover my bills and my not yet excepted promises. Once again, money becomes my nemisis - and it isn't even all my debts, but others.

I worked from 06:00 to 16:30. No lunch, no break.
I have only one thing to say.
Oh La-la Construction workers!
I'll be back at 6am!

I'm in class - Lawrence, for HIV counseling - on break. Nice to have a day off from work. Its been very ... full.
    Okay. more then anything this is a not to remind me to write about Lucky, Greg, and cake. Sounds weird now, but trust me it will fall into place.
    Dad will be a speaker today.
    I have people talking to me ... more later.
________________________________________
Hehe - I did the demo for cheeking ... thank goodness Dad wasn't here yet. I don't know if I could have shown how to put a condom on with your mouth if he was watching.
    Cake -
Okay, I have to back up some. I "meddled" between Greg and Lucky. It effects my life so I will have to discuss it. I remind anyone reading - this is my point of view and feelings - not absolute facts in other peoples lives.
    Lucky asked Greg for a place to stay after his stay with me ended. Lucky promised Greg rent. Greg, wanting to help a friend and in need of money, let Lucky move in. I think I mentioned before that they were roomies before. Both knew what to expect - but did it anyway. Lucky promised me "rent" also. I will not hold him to it (In fact my quote was "When you have money we will have this debate.") Greg however, NEEDS the money to pay bills. For MANY reason I came up with a plan. I presented the plan to Greg, who excepted. Greg did ask for me to be there when he told Lucky he had to go. However, he never said when he wanted me there - and after I got an e-mail from Lucky saying he knew he owed me the money now - I thought it had been taken care of.

    Lucky/Dave came over the other night right after I came back from class. We talked for about 2 hours. In that talk, I mentioned Greg wanted him out of the house soon. Lucky had been talking about the Oxford house (again - I though he knew) ... he didn't. He was upset that Greg had said nothing, but not devastated because he was planning this action.
    Lucky was feeling a bit overwhelmed though "When will this all end?!?"
    We talked about how he has to realize he was in a hole. Now he knows he has the shovel and he can stop digging - but that doesn't get him out of the hole.
    In our discussion, our relationships with Greg came up. Lucky felt Greg must hate him if he can't even tell him to leave the house. I think I have shown Lucky the reasons behind what Greg has been doing (all from the talks that Greg and I have had. *like on the long lost drive back from KC* He wanted to help Lucky - let him in. He had to have the money, but wasn't seeing it come in. Rather then kick him out when things got tough he held Lucky there thinking he couldn't get the money unless he had his thumb on him. I gave Greg the money - I released Lucky - actually ... I release them both. Greg can't bring himself to tell Lucky to go because that makes him "the bad guy kicking Lucky out to the street." Greg is doing these things not because he doesn't like Lucky but because he does.) Greg has a hard time realizing that sometimes the "bad" think is the "right" thing to do.    more paper ....

2K10.26 con't3
    I'm sorry, but Greg sends a lot of mixed signals. Lucky agreed - he sees him do it with me all the time. (Bet you were wondering when this would come back to me - Bet you're wondering about cake).
    Backing up slightly - when first the notes went out, Lucky was the one that told me Greg had some things to say but was going to stay out of it. However, Greg then told me he had nothing to say. Lucky got miffed when he heard this. So, I asked what Greg had to say since he wouldn't tell me.
    Here's my grain of salt.
    "How mean do I want to be?" Lucky asked out loud.
    "I don't want you to be mean ... I want you to be honest." I replied for him.
According to Lucky/Dave, Greg said I was pulling an attitude with him that made him feel I was forcing him to make a decision he didn't want to make. Attitude I can live with. Here's what bugged me.
I NEVER asked him to make a decision, just tell me where I stood.
Realization - 'He felt-" I can't deny anything he feels.
    - Lunch is over - I'm almost to the cake -
    Dad is here ... he's heard *blush* :D

--------------
Okay, now I'm back at home on the computer. Lets get to that cake.
I can't deny anything he feels. As it was pointed out in class later, real or perceived - if it was perceived, it was real to them.
My first thought on the whole thing was,
'Greg's problem is, he wants his cake and eat it too.'
Then it occurred to me, 'That is the stupidest saying I've ever heard!'
What is the point of having cake if you aren't going to eat it? As a metaphor, it may work - but in real life -- Who wants a cake for display? The point of having a cake is to eat it.
The metaphor is meant to say that you prize the cake so much that you don't want it eaten, but crave the enjoyment of the flavor or crave the nutrition. To have something, without wanting it consumed for what it will give you.
Hmm, the metaphor is miss-used then. Greg's problem isn't that he want's his cake and eat it too - it's that he wants cake, and not eat it.
My problem is that I want to eat the cake if I have it.
He has cake and thinks I'm trying to eat it.
I see the cake and wonder why it isn't being eaten.
Fact is - it's his cake. He doesn't have to eat it, or share it. I will eat mine.
I guess the decision he didn't want to make was when I asked if he was going to eat the cake (or share it). He had to decide if he wanted the cake eaten. Before, he was just admiring it without any thought of eating it.

I lost the thought, but kept it with perfect understanding.
How Zen is that?
Does that mean I burped after eating ... cake?

By the way - here is what I e-mailed Lucky in response to his e-mail - in order to recap what we talked about.

I have thought of a hundred ways to begin this entry.
All of them vague then moving to a point of clarity. All because I have something I want to talk about but I don't want to scare anyone.
Maybe I should just start there and then try to un-scare you. - It is close to Halloween after all.

It all started with a caramel on the floor at work.
I have just come from the porn store.
I have been thinking about things from the last three classes.
Nick called today.
Greg said something -

I am probably the closest to suicidal thought then I have been since Grade school when first and last tried to kill myself.

It all started with a caramel on the floor at work. I saw it, and I wanted to eat it. It wasn't even in a wrapper any longer. I didn't eat it. I threw it away. But I wanted to. Carmel sounded good. Later, I went to the Dollar General Store and bought a bag of caramels. I haven't eaten one yet - doesn't appeal to me now. I even have chocolate - not interested.
I didn't eat the caramel at work because I imagined getting caught. I would think it wouldn't make a difference to anyone in management that I was eating trash off the floor - but lately they have been so crack-headedly paranoid ... Didn't matter, I would have pointed out that they should pay me more so I could think about buying actual food to eat, instead of eating off the floor. Could have pointed out that they could back off and out of gratitude for my being there nearly 11 hours a day - every day - they could spot me a 2¢ caramel off the floor.
"My God! You don't know where that has been! It could kill you." I imagined someone saying.
"You know," I saw myself saying, "I don't care. I'm tired. I'm done. I want out."

I can't quit. It isn't in my nature. Something will have to do me in. But right now - I wouldn't even try to stop anything that tried.

They bitched and moaned about overtime. Wanted me not to go over the 40 hours. With the half day and day off for the Class in Lawrence (which didn't shorten my day any - just took me off the clock and added travel. Compensated only by the fact that I wanted to do this - and enjoyed it) I had some time to play with - like an hour, minus the half hour lunches I've been taking. I let them know when I would have had to leave to have only 40 hours. They said they would let me go then. Then the truck arrived, I had to unload that - just leave right after. Then they had one more thing they had to have done. I finished the list. I was now at about 2 maybe 3 hours of overtime. I looked at my boss and said,
"Look, if its a money issue with you - let me go. I don't want to burden the store with paying me overtime. If overtime isn't really the issue - I have no problem staying for the rest of my shift. Even longer if you want. I have bills to pay like everyone else. I can use the money. Now, do you want me to stay or go?"
'Well, if you want to stay' - was the response. Fine, I stayed. I'll have about 6 hours of overtime. I only left then because I was getting tired of the shit. 'I want this done!' We all do it. 'Not like that! Re-do it.' Once is all it takes for me. 'I want this done!', 'How?' I ask. 'I don't know, figure something out.' I do it. 'Not like that.'
I don't have to be here. I'll be going now.
I went to have lunch with Mom.
After lunch I came home and fell asleep.
Ray called, but I couldn't make it to the phone in time - I fell asleep again, reaching for it.
Nick called. I was more awake. I made it to the phone. We talked for about an hour.
He talked most about how he had feelings for a girl, that kept telling him she was interested - but keeps going back to her old boyfriend. (Does this sound familiar?) That she kept sending him mixed messages, running hot then cold with him (I know I've heard this before) Nick said he made a deal with her. If it doesn't work this time, she would give him a chance. She agreed. He's waiting. (Doesn't this sound really familiar?) I gave him the same advice I gave Devin. Wait if you want - it is your choice, but that puts you at their whim. Don't think they will consider you. I recommend moving on - but you can wait, just don't complain about the choice you made.
It worked for Devin. He's with Rodger. It didn't work for me. I'm still alone.

The other day, Greg came by with Lucky and a girl that we game with. Greg made it a point to tell me that he came by the other day to 'hang-out' but I wasn't home. He came by in the afternoon. I was in Lawrence for the class. I pointed out that if I hadn't been in Lawrence, I would have been at work. I told him the hours I have been working. 6am to 5pm. I come home for meds.
He pointed out that he would be at work if it was that late.
"Then what's your point?" I asked. He just wanted to point out that he came by to spend time with me and I wasn't around to enjoy it.
FUCK THAT!
First, I have only his word that he came by. I after all wasn't here.
Second, Why does Greg think the time he spends with me is so important that I would even want to know that I missed a minute of his bored time? Like I could, even if I DID want to, drop everything else and have been here so he could sit on the couch to watch TV and not talk to me about anything else I hear from other people that he's been out doing. Or, even go out and do any of those things with him.
He comes over here when he has nothing better to do, and I don't know why - because he won't tell me.

Nick's girlfriend. Devin's rejection. Greg's rejection. Jerry's rejection. Zam's rejection. Feelings spurn, attempts shot down, desires ...
"You say it's going to happen now, Well, when exactly do you mean?
See, I've already waited to long, and all my hope is gone." - Smiths, how soon is now.

I went to the porn store and rent 4 films. I am writing this, rather then watching them.

Watching all the construction workers. Seeing all these people that I care about - but don't want to love me 'that way'.
The thought occurred to me, when Nick said he might come by, it would dangerous for anyone I find attractive to be left alone with me right now. I really feel as if I might try - that I would make an improper advance - force a decision to be made ...

I've been thinking about things said in the last 3 HIV classes I've taken.
One comment by my instructor has been haunting me from the first class.
It came back again in this last class. We where talking about pre and post test counseling. How people take the news that they are (fill in the blank). Turning Positive's into Negative's and vise versa. How some people have turned their lives around because of HIV. How others feel it is the end of the world. The instructor then began to talk about how some people want to be HIV positive. It's great for gaining attention. People suddenly care in ways that have been missing from a persons life. They are given services, checked on, asked to talk to people ...
The comment from the first instructor was,
"You will be such a great service for your community. It's obvious to me that you became active because you didn't get the things you needed and had to become your own HIV support system. Now you've done so well, you can help others as well."

If there was a cure invented tomorrow - what then?
Do I stop this web site? Do I stop trying to educate the public? Do I get a date?

Our speaker at the last class - Great guy. Talked about his lover a bit. Met him long after he had full blown AIDS. His lover is negative. They met, they got along and his lover moved from Hawaii to Kansas to be with him. Reminded me a bit of Shawn and Gwen. ... David Stanley and his lover ...
All I could wonder is - when do I get my chance?
Why can't I get this to work? Why can't I let it go?

Right now, I'm not fighting to stay alive. I'm not even making an effort.
I'm just not making an effort to die, either.

This is when Grendel is strong. I don't care if I die. In fact, I kind of want to. A blaze of glory would be nice - to accomplish one last 'heroic' thing as my last breath is driven out of me. I've done what I could, and life ... finally ... let me go.

Daylight savings time has given me an extra hour to watch porn. I don't want to waste it.

The dreams were ... disturbing. I'm glad Ray called and woke me for Breakfast.
I was coaching Marline Matlin through Children of a Lesser God when a space Arc landed. It was in trouble and I was trying to save all the species saved on it, even though they where trying to kill me. Mom was in one bathroom and Dad in the other and I really had to go badly. So, I peed on the parents Bookshelf. Mother yelled at me for it from the bathroom. I tried to clean it up with a mop, but the smell made me puke. I could hear mother yelling even more. I cleaned up everything as best I could and then went back to trying to save the arc. Somewhere the aliens gave me another penis. It looked just like mine, only when it got hard, it shrank and curled upward like a party favor. I kept trying to straighten it out without hurting myself. I was drowning in the space arc trying to save sea creatures that where desperately dragging me down, not realizing that I was trying to save them. Marline Matlin couldn't understand my hand signs as I was being dragged under.
Funny thing - I could breath underwater ... I just didn't want to be there.

Ray said there must be something Freudian about peeing on the parents book shelf, a majority of drunks have a story about doing that.
I told Ray that I felt like a monkey with his hand caught in a coconut. I realize that all I have to do is let go of the banana to get loose - problem is I let go like this (opening my hand completely and spreading the fingers as far apart as possible) and I still can't get out.
He reminded me of the Zen story about a man that approached a monk saying that his wife was extremely tight fisted. She wouldn't spend money on anything, and asked the monk to talk to her. He set them both down and asked the woman what she would call someone that always had a fist.
"Deformed." she replied. Then he turned to the man and asked what he would call someone with their hand always fully open.
"Deformed." he replied.
"Remember that." the monk said and left.

All in all - I get the idea of the middle path. I understand it, I know it, I comprehend it - I JUST CAN'T FIND IT!!

Right now, I've said, 'Fuck it!' so hard I've given up caring about everything - not just the things that I wanted to stop caring about.

By the way - YES, I'm still shoving those poisonous pills they call medication down my throat. I'm not trying to endanger my life. I'll just keep doing the things I've always done.
Like I said, Fuck it.

I've returned my porn. I'm going to bed. I've had a tiring day of shopping for Halloween and not finding what I wanted to get (actually, I did find it - only at about 3 times the cost I want). Depression is wonderful, it makes you sleepy.
I'm just hoping that tomorrow they don't give me any more shit about asking off for Halloween. I can't help it if they decided to open the store on the first of the month and I can't be there the day before. If they had just stuck to the original schedule - I would have had my vacation and been done and fully available for them the rest of the year. Or stuck to the second schedule and been open already!

My biggest concern right now is that I will not be able to become my lemme.
I'd better sit back and let a name come to mind. Otherwise, I'll wake up on Halloween and not know who I am.

I was tested last night.
It was Sunday. People showed up anyway.
Marshal - hadn't seen him in a while. I let him in, despite what I felt might happen. We talked, caught up. I was doing pretty well - though I did peek in on him. First time ever - liked it - last time I hope.
About an hour later, Greg showed up. I really had the urge to tell him to go away. Didn't feel it was right if I let Marshal stay. Greg sat next to Marshal, but my books from the last class where on the couch. Greg sat on the very edge of the couch - kind of leaning in to my 'space'.
I asked him to put the books on the table and sit back. He didn't want to bother the books.
So, then I told him to put the books on the table and sit back.

I found myself crunching up on the couch, sitting on my hands. Concentrating on watching the TV - not the men on the couch.
As they left, they both hugged me. Really wish they wouldn't have. I felt more in those hugs that I cut short, then I can remember feeling in any other hugs. ... that weren't sexual.

Stayed up an hour late with them. Took my Melatonin, and went to bed. Woke up an hour early - still used to time previous to Daylights saving. It really annoy me.
Went to work. To much of asking the impossible. To much hostility toward my being off tomorrow. None of which seemed to fade until I went back a second time to get things ready for tomorrow. 6am to 7pm - one 30 minute break at about 2 (that I started to try and take about noon, and spent getting the last item I needed for Halloween) and another 40 minute break at 4:30 (which I thought was 5:30 making me late for meds - but the watch in my pocket was the only clock I didn't set back - until I came home for meds and noticed). Seems that when I came back for that extra two hours, they really thought I was serious about trying to help them rather then just do my job and take off.
I have a Doctors appointment in November. I can't wait to see what my numbers are like. Stress and long hours ... depression - anger ... odd sleep.

I am oddly calm now.
Perhaps Hoshii Nozomimas is coming after all.
I still feel a loss because of my attachment to pumpkins - which I could not afford to get, or carve this year.

I'm just staring at the cursor. I'm going to watch some TV, go to bed, and wake up tomorrow.

My experience of this day began with my waking up, naked and in the dark. As a novice monk, I realized for the first time that I could remember, I was aware of my breath.
I explore the dark. I found a light. After my blindness, I found some helpful tools.
I remembered an old saying about magic, that I tried to adhere to in my actions. 'It isn't what you do, it's how you do it. With respect and reverence.'
I shaved my head and cleaned myself. The water ... it felt good.
I then found a saffron robe, some white pants, sandals, and a wooden begging bowl with a note.

As I dressed, I wonder who left the note. Why where they sorry? We are all on our own, and I had been left with a generous gift of more then I need.
I put on the pants. I tucked the Robe into the belt, wrapping it once around me, loosely, then draping the rest over my left shoulder. I then moved toward the begging bowl.
I almost fell. The robe restrains me. Shorter steps, not as much freedom as when you are naked. I never realized how little can restrain so much. I walked carefully - still learning.
I picked up the bowl. It rattle. I looked inside and found 17 different - beads. Something in me knew better. Pills. In my begging bowl.
There is a reverence, and ritual about the begging bowl. I am not allowed to ask for food - it is freely given. I am not allowed to pick the food, or to watch the giver. Eyes in the bowl, excepting the food given. All must be eaten, nothing wasted, and the giver thanked.
These were not food, but they where in the bowl. My begging bowl.

It was only a bowl, a begging bowl - until I found something in it. Then I became attached to the bowl, my begging bowl.

I found food in the kitchen. I ate a breakfast of cereal, and emptied my begging bowl.

I found three stacks of cards on the table. I remembered these cards. I was mindful of one called 'Ordinariness', that I had been trying to observe. After the ecstasy, the laundry.
I knew I had to pick a stack of cards. Three cards would then give me my meditation.
I have been trying to find the middle path. Strange isn't it, to hear a monk say he seeks the middle path - when obviously he has chosen an extreme. I have been finding myself as far to the left and right of the road as I can be, trying to let other things pass. I have been ... un-content at the sides.

I chose the middle stack.
I fanned out the stack.
The top card represents my here and now.
The bottom card represents the past influences on it.
The card I choose from the stack, represents the insight into the paradox between the two.

The Here and Now

THE OUTSIDER

The Past Influence

TURNING IN

The Insight into the Paradox

FRIENDLINESS

I have found keys - to a car.
I have found passwords - to a computer.
I think it is time for me to go somewhere and contemplate the keys and passwords to something other then a material object.

I went to the gardens of a public park. I meditate most of the morning. I have no watch, so I couldn't tell how long. I read the text for one card, then meditate until the thought was lost. Then I got up, walked around, and picked a new place to sit. I then read the text for the next card and meditate. As you could guess, I repeat the process again.
During the first meditation, It ended when I found myself trying to rub the glue off the bottom of the begging bowl. It became a meditation of it's own. Rubbing the glue until it rolled together into a ball. I thought to myself, 'How strange, that I am content to concentrate on removing the residue for the price of a begging bowl.'
After all three of the meditations, I took a walk. I walked through the park, to the cemetery. I visit my Grandmother's grave - also my Grandfather's and Great Grandmother's. From there, I sat and watched the Ducks. Very different creatures then the squirrels in the park.
Then I walked past Greg's.

I stopped at the Doctor's office to visit the nurses. Got paper work for blood tests and visit the phlebotomist. I also visit the pharmacy, renew my prescriptions, and wished Melissa a Happy Halloween.

What is a Hari Krishna? It would seem I was mistaken as one several times today.

I drove by Greg's again. His car was now home - he wasn't. He was at Kara's, next door. I held a snake. Kara took my picture.
I saw my mother.
I spoke with Ray on the phone.

	Here are a few Pictures of Hoshii Nozomimas. They were actually taken after Halloween, but if Ray hadn't come over with the camera, you wouldn't have any pictures - Thanks Ray :)

Most of the day I sat staring into the begging bowl - I really liked the way the robe circled it, so I had a picture taken of it.	Ray decided to make some improvements to one of the Pictures, I think they look really cool, so I decided to share them with you also. Thanks again, Ray.

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2K10.29	2K10.30	2K10.31	Halloween Pics
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