July '99

Recent Journal Entries
© 1999 July (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

Okay the Vacation is coming.
Suffice it to say - Devin got his ass kicked by me when I got home. It didn't help much that Rodger stood there and tried to defend him. I could care less what Rodger had to say about anything - I left Devin in charge - ultimately all the responsibility, and fault falls to him (I came that close to telling Rodger to shut the fuck up). All in all, I have said my peace, gotten my key back, and told him that I will not ever trust him to watch over my home again. Doesn't mean we aren't friends - I just know better then to ask such favors from him again.
He tells me he feels like a jerk now. I told him he is allowed to feel anyway that he wants. I don't think its necessary that he feel like that, I've got all the problems under control know.
I just can't understand why he didn't do the things I asked, couldn't follow common sense, or ask me what to do since he had my Mom to call on, and an e-mail address to contact me at (and he used it so I know he had it).

What where the problems? - Want the list?-
I don't feel it's necessary to hit them all. I'll hit the major ones.
I have water collecting on my bathroom floor. I answered some of my own questions when the sound of it woke me this morning as it fell from the ceiling. It has happened before, all he had to do was call the apartment manager. Said he didn't notice it. I'll talk to the manager tomorrow went I pay the rent and get it taken care of.

This is the big one folks. The main reason for him to stay here was to look after Doctor. Mom could have come down to feed him - but I wanted someone that would be able to be here more often. To look after him in his age - pet him - feed him - water him.
I came home and Doctor was laying amid a nest of fur tuffs he had pulled from his side. He has a patch of bald skin about the size of three of my fingers. Obviously the flea problem I thought he might have (and bought a new flea collar for just before I left - told Devin about, since he was standing there as I put the collar on) - got worse.
I don't think he had been eating much - his food was hard - because they put it in the refrigerator.
"I thought you refrigerated it!" Devin said.
"Why? Where did you find the food?" I asked.
"On the counter."
"Where it always is and has been." Gods, common sense.
He also had no (I mean none) water in his bowl. Doctor doesn't drink that much. Changing it daily I don't think I've ever seen it less then half empty. I just change it every day so it's fresh. - Just an empty light brown sludge layer.
The litter box was a solid layer of clay. They never changed it (and it's the clumping kind - just scoop out the lumps and fill it up every other day or so).
"We fed him. He ate I swear! He got water every day. Honest! Okay, that we never did." Was Rodgers response to food, water and litter. That was just about the time I told him to take a leap since I was talking to Devin. By Rodgers own admission, Devin only played on the computer, and he only watched movies on TV. I don't think they did shit for Doctor. Rodger was complaining that Doctor sat in his lap for like six hours one night. ... That's a bad thing? ... That's what you where supposed to be doing!

I've called the Vet. Bless the man he didn't charge me for an emergency call. He told me flea dip Doctor and then get him out of the house to be safe. He thinks they are in the carpet by now. I have an appointment to take Doctor in first thing tomorrow so he can look at him and assess how much of the problem is or may be fleas and what else may be causing some of the problems I described. (Doctor just wasn't him self - very unresponsive and slow, disoriented). It could all be fleas - blood loss could account for much of what I described.
I got flea soap. I got a flea comb. I gave Doctor his very first bath. I think he knew it was helping because he didn't fight much at all. He is now over at Mom's drying, eating and drinking. I only saw three or four fleas, and the water didn't turn red like the Vet warned me it could (blood loss), so maybe it isn't bad. After the bath and the attention Doctor started to perk up.
I'm sleeping over at Mom's with him tonight. I'm getting ready to clean up everything and maybe I'll get rid of most of the 'carpet fleas'. I'll let the apartment manger know about this also - Mom says she (the apartment manager) will have the exterminator come over and spray (this isn't a charge to me).

I just don't know how all this - bug bombing will effect Bil. He is a temporary room mate now. Actually, this is a good thing. I have a very distinct line about what happens with a room mate - especially when rent isn't an issue. Not going to have that nagging doubt - not going to cross that line. This I think will be good to help me find out just how I feel for Bil - without the physical stuff getting in the way. And - more opportunity to talk about a few things.
Well, speaking of which ... Bil just got here and we where talking about a few things. Let him know about the possible flea problem etc. and hammered out a few things about rent and food and where things are.
I have to go and clean this house now. Vacuum it like a tornado hit it. ... then I have to find the disk I save these pages on. <grrrrrrrr>.

I'm home, I'm safe. Things are shaping up despite the problems.
I'll have the Vacation stuff up as soon as I get the chance.

Well, Doctor is at the Vets. The Vet is unsure about his future. The fleas don't seem to be the big problem - they just made it worse. Like most animals in the jungle they sensed a week animal and took advantage of it. It would seem that his kidney problem has advanced more. He was particularly constipated and dehydrated (would have helped if he had fresh water out - ewh, that was only partly called for. Got to move past this). He also said that some of this could be from depression or anxiety from both his discomfort and my being gone (and his having to deal with new people).
The Vet has kept Doctor. He gave him an enema. He wants to run blood tests to compare against last time. He may try to 'force' fluids into him to help. Unless he calls, I'll be picking him up about 4pm. Whole day at the vets - Doctor has never had to do that either that I remember.
I've got to try and get some more sleep. I have to be up about noon for meds - and to try and get all the stuff with the Apartment Manager taken care of (everything from Rent to Repairs and then some). May be having lunch with Ray again. Need to figure out my Checkbook and find out just how bad things are.
Life is going to become a money suck once again soon. This vacation and now vet bills on top of everything else. I don't yet know what kind of help Bil will be. He has expressed a desire to help pay for things, but I know that he is also fighting big bills and possible Bankruptcy.
Maybe me and the cards should sit down again. ... Still need to find that disk that is missing.

Before you panic - he isn't dead. But when you come home with only his collar it makes you really sad. They wanted to keep him overnight for observation. I'll get to try and pick him up again tomorrow after work.
The Vet said not to be to hard on my friend - much of this would have happened even if I was here. I just think I would have done something sooner - and the no water thing bothers me more then anything else. Especially since I just saw my cat laying in cage covered in diarrhea and bloated from forced fluids because he was to dehydrated.
More then anything the vet says this is "Old Cats Disease". He's blood work is off the scale and basically Doctor is trying to out run kidney failure. The Doctor talked to me about a lot of care options but warns me that it is only a matter of time. He tells me he will do anything I direct him to do, but he doesn't want to $100 dollar me here $100 dollar me there in what could amount to weekly visits. He was really good at trying to make me feel better - but I swear, I think he wants me to put Doctor to sleep. I just can't see that now. I don't think he's in pain - just uncomfortable and needed a bit more care. I pursued the home care nursing options more then anything. Getting the Flea situation under control - and possibly changing his diet, or having him drink Pedylite instead of water to help get his kidneys back in line.
Maybe I shouldn't have asked to see Doctor before I left. That image is still in my head. I reached in to pet him and he woke up with a yell and then tried to pull a mouth full of fur out. I do think that the bare patch is now more of a nervous or stress disorder then from the fleas. My being gone - having strangers in the house - now this stuff at the Vet. I need to get him back home.

I've fallen right back into my 'normal' sleep pattern of naps in fits. I've had about 5 or six hours of sleep so far ... but not in a row. Lets see - about 3 hours from last night until I took Doctor in to the Vet - about an hour before I woke up for Meds. - about 4 hours of sleep until trying to pick him up. Now I'm here. I guess I've had about 8 - still not in a row. Should try to go to bed again. Can't. ... I think I'll work on the vacation journal - keep my mind busy.

Work was hell. Worse then I thought.
Doctor is home. Bloated, pissed, confused - but home. I have a special food that I may have to force feed him if he doesn't eat. I'm making lunch then I'm going to put my bed on the floor and stay with him.

He still has fleas. I've combed him as much as he'll let me. I'm worried about him today. I leave early for work - it's tag day so I'll be late - I have my Dr.'s appointment at 1:30. Bil will be here most of the day, Mom said she would check in on him.
He's trying so hard to get back into his normal groove. He even came out to watch TV with everyone that came by. Then he tried to make it back to the litter box ... and didn't make it. It's a struggle to him now to walk even a few steps. He almost fell asleep in the litter box when I first brought him home.
It kind of pisses me off that I took a cat with fleas into the vet - and I got a cat with fleas and nursing needs back from the vet. And it cost me $198.08 ~ that I don't really have.

Got my ego shot down in e-mail. Still trying to catch up on some of it - some is over a month old. Missed seeing two sets of old friends during, or because of, vacation. I obviously returned to a bad karma cycle at home.

Such a long day. Dr.'s appointment went well. Viral load dropped from 5.4 log (or 272,285) to 530. T-cells went up from 347 to 389. It's not a great gain in the T-cell but the Viral load is really good.
I had to 'clean' up the computer to get it to start. Dropped over 500 tmp files and defragged the hard drives while filling out insurance forms and eating.
It's 4pm now. Definitely time for bed - but first I'll have to comb Doctor for fleas and force feed him since he hasn't eaten since he came home. Then I can think about closing my eyes - at least until midnight when I'll have to wake up for meds.
Bil's out doing laundry - after emptying (and refilling) the Dishwasher and finding 3 leads on local Apartments and Jobs (each) he's been busy (makes me feel lazy). Apartment manager is setting up a time for the exterminator. I'll have to have everything up off the floor on that day - and Doctor elsewhere.

Sorry I've been gone so long - but I've been busy. Random thoughts to throw out just to get them off my chest.
Doctor won't be force feed - but he eats on his own. Not much but it's better then I could do with the syringe.
Fleas seem to be everywhere. Exterminator won't be able to get here until the 13th. By then I should be able to dip Doctor again. Maybe I can end it once and for all then.
I'm so rarely surprised ... I just wish he wouldn't have proved me right.
Why does it seem like people are just @#$%ing with my affections. Tease me here, Tease me there.
After less then four hours of sleep people began to show up for a Movie night Camarilla event. I wish I would have known about it before hand. I was still able to pull it off - I had a great time. We watched 'pi' (the mathematical symbol) and 'In Dreams'.
Work is still kicking my ass. I almost went to my Boss to say that I couldn't take another vacation and come back to a mess like this - we need to retrain or train someone. It kind of pissed me off when I heard her say that my job was like a mini-vacation for her. It was a mini-vacation because she didn't do any of the things she should have. She may be a lousy DSD op. but she is a fantastic Book-Keeper. Turns out she will be leaving us in two weeks. She was offered a better job. Now our store loses good help - and I lose the only person that was able to cover my vacations (even if I didn't think she did it well). My Boss will now have to train someone to do her job ... do you really think he's going to spare the time to train someone to do mine?
Woke up tonight ... the storm was weird. It was raining ... but not enough to make the ground wet. The rainbow was incredible. Perfect luminescent color in a dark gray sky with the fire red and orange colors of the setting sun on the opposing horizon.
Borrowed money from Mom so I could get Milk, a new flea comb and some hamburger so I would have something to eat.
Mom couldn't believe I still let Devin and Rodger in my house. The 'conversation' started when I said that Shane and Rodger where over here using the computer. Twice I had to say that Shane had done nothing wrong - but she seemed to think that anyone associated with Devin and Rodger shouldn't be allowed in my home. I can't condemn anyone for another's actions. I can't even condemn the man completely - only for the action he commit. I can't get her to understand that.
Was telling someone about my ego bash - they hurt my feelings with out knowing about it. I can't understand how anyone can know someone with HIV and call them a friend - then turn around and say that they don't want to know someone else once they find out they are HIV+ ... let alone tell me that.
Brain has been twisted into doodeling round shapes. It's so odd that something like this would start my drawing again. Thing is - it's a @#$%ed up way to flirt.
First night in a while the apartment has been completely empty. Shane has been over almost every night to work on the computer. Bil isn't even here - I think there is a game tonight (table top - not LARP).
I'm overdrawn. Kind of worried about getting through to next weeks paycheck. Most of it is gone already. Need to buckle down again. Can't even think about spending money. Need to check all my balances to see if I can make any transfers - find out just how bad the hole is. So soon ... it bothers me.
Starting to like ICP and Limp Bizkit more and more. "I can't get you out of my head. I'd cut my head off but then I'd be dead. Why don't we die together?" "I won't lie, I gave it up for the nookie. For the nookie. So you could grab the cookie. Grab the cookie and shove it up your -yeah!- Shove it up your -yeah!- I gave it up like a chump - like a chump - like a chump - like a chump."
I know I'm being a bit non-specific here. But in general - so are the thoughts. Just free floating things in the system that are bothering me.
Going to go to work on the vacation journals again. I'm on my Birthday. I want to get this finished so I can move on to other projects.
Hungry.

I've begun to look forward to the time I get to spend alone in this apartment. I almost feel bad about that. I woke up to the place being empty - but the TV and lights where still on. I knew that the people here last didn't have a key. I got up and locked the door. I sat down and started to watch TV. After about an hour someone knocked at the door. Tried the door. Knocked on the window. I didn't move. I just sat there with Doctor in my lap and watched TV. I don't even know who it was.

Started to work on the computer. Vacation is now done. While I was working on it - Bil came home from the game with Jamie. Bil put in the Weird Al CD "Running with Scissors" (hysterical) and Jamie filled up the dishwasher (?). Anyway - there is a Garou game tomorrow (today I guess - it is after midnight). I want to try and play. I guess I should get some sleep. Jamie needs to re-post directions to the game anyway.

Mom says I seem to know more homeless people right now. Usually I don't mind ... but it seems to be getting to be to much lately. Then again ... maybe it's just me.

"All the knowledge I possess anyone else can acquire, but my heart is all my own."
-Goethe
"Reason guides but a small part of man, and that the least interesting. The rest obeys feeling, true or false, and passion, good or bad."
-Joseph Roux
"One ought to hold on to one's heart; for if one lets go, one soon loses control of the head too."
-Nietzsche

So, ... who do you listen to?
Sloppy Joe's at the computer may have been a bad idea.
I want to pull a Claude Reins - I think I may have been noticed to much and still not seen. I don't want to disappear completely though - I want to take one man with me. I don't know him by name, but I know him by heart.
Flea exterminator comes tomorrow. Need to get everything up off the floor. Throw some of this stuff out. Going to shampoo Doctor again tonight and take him over to Mom's again. I've come to truly hate little black dots - especially when they move. I've come to take glee in throwing out little white dots.
It's killing me to watch Doctor chew and pull at his fur with what little strength he has. To see the sores developing on his bare skin. Watching him lose weight and wonder if I can get him to eat just a little more.
Garou ... still don't know about that. I really miss Vampire. I actually got my Camarilla membership number.
Tired. FreeCell might take my mind off of it all.

As the water ran over him the old man just sat there. He was to tired to fight any more. Muscles didn't do what he wanted, his body refused to follow his will. He could only register the faces of the nurses, wrinkled with concern. He couldn't tell why ~ he wasn't sure if he cared. The water ran red off of him. The itch seemed to go away. He tired to stretch a muscle, and he felt himself loosing his balance. He considered fighting gravity, but decided resistance was futile. The nurses screamed as he fell into the reddish-brown water. They fought to make sure he's face didn't go under the water, as he knew they would. He let them do the work. He had given up trying to fight back. Gravity was wining. Time was winning. It seemed that the only thing keeping him from crossing the line was the concern and the love he saw in the faces of those around him.

I can't seem to get the fleas off of him. Flea man comes today. I washed him again and sent him to Mom's. They were still all over him. I can't get him to drink or eat. I can tell he's dehydrated again. It bothers me to think that rather him just dying - I might have to 'put him to sleep'. It all boils down to the fact that I have to make the decision to make him die rather then letting nature take it's course. I keep drawing human parallels - but I can't help it, I've known him nearly 20 years. I keep thinking of all the people that have been telling me that I should end his suffering. What do you think I've been trying to do!?! Then I think of people like my Mother, who goes to visit Grandmother daily. A woman so far gone she doesn't recognize anyone. She doesn't eat, she doesn't drink and all she can do is mumble. No one is telling my mother to put her mother out of her misery. When it comes to humans we let them make the decision to die - sometimes we don't even let them do that. Respirators and pacemakers, beeping machines plugged into a wall making a body work against it's will.
It's why I have a living will. It's why I've spoken frequently to my Mother and Dr. about taking no extraordinary means to keep me alive. I've argued with friends and family the pro's and con's of quality of life over quantity of life. There is a moment when I think despite anyone's efforts I could just give up and move into the light - or resist it if I wanted to stay.
But - moments like these ... it makes me wonder.

Not until I began to write this did I even think that I was thinking of it this way. This really isn't about me ... it's about Doctor. It's about ... me. The way I feel about losing him. Trying to weigh the love I feel for him over the suffering I know he's going through. Watching my Mother cry as she ran the hair dryer over him as I picked the fleas off of him ... and wondering what I'm going to do with out him. Wondering if I have the right to keep him here. But it isn't as if he's on machines. I'm not taking extraordinary means to keep him alive. I'm just realizing the fact that his suffering is increasing ... and he isn't trying to fight back. I would just rather ... he make the decision to go. As much as I hate the idea, I think I would rather wake up next to his dead body - then take him in to the vet and know that I have made the decision that he isn't coming back with me - ever.

One problem at a time. Fleas first. I have a lot more thinking to do in the next few days.

And Jacob wHas Able. sHayZam! blAck lightenIng tWo A gray Roll of Thunder - the Barren fieldS wEre Plowed and Seed Spread. odd reAding reX -heh-.
No exterminator ... the Old man waits in weeping Mothers arms, dwindling away and looking at me with a stare I don't recognize. Still the fight to live or die struggles within me. I'm feeling weak in the face of this decision. I'm feeling pressured by others tears and jeers in this decision.
So tired myself ... hungry with so little here I have the energy to make. Others have offered help and I have turned them away because I feel I must overcome. Persevere... and then ...

In the box lay a white bear cub with a pink bow, iridescent wings and a halo. An ear ring made of a heart which inside read -

Have to be at work so early tomorrow. Haven't slept but two hours on the floor at the feet of the old man. Waiting for a killer that never came. I miss him at home, and wonder when he will return ... to cuddle close and purr with warmth. .... If he will return. ... Angels of mercy forgive my thoughts and protect the innocent ... but I have to wonder - Gabriel, where are you?

Okay, Doctor had a better day then yesterday. Now everyone seems to think he's on the road to a complete recovery - just because he peed twice and made a loud noise. I still see a cat whose bones I can feel, and still won't eat and drinks very little. Still unsteady on his feet and now crying (his eyes where caked with goo today. I had to use the flea comb to get some of it out).
I guess if I had decided to put him to sleep today it would have been a bad decision, but yesterday it would have been the best thing for him. - others are fickle -

I fell asleep on the floor at moms with him again. While I was gone, the exterminator came. That's a good thing. Except he left no instructions about when I could bring Doctor back home ... if or when I should vacuum. I can tell he did the front room - the couches cushions are all overturned and strewn about, but I can't tell that he did anything in my room - where Doctor and I spent most of our time. If he did, I don't think he moved the mattress on the floor - so there would be a big spot of carpet that wasn't treated. Can't seem to get a hold of anyone that can answer these questions for me.
Want to bring Doctor home. Don't want to endanger him. Don't want him to get more fleas. I finally combed him and only pulled off one moving flea, struggling to jump away. -Die you bastard -

Should be some people coming over to watch movies. I have 'Cube' and 'Velvet Goldmine'. Going to make some food for Bil and I then maybe watch 'That 70's Show' and 'Alley McBeal' again, until people come on over.

The sky is overcast and it thinks it's going to rain. The sidewalk looks like leopard spots from the attempt. Kids are outside learning to juggle with parents looking on from the balcony. I carry home a box so light I can hardly tell there is a cat inside.
I was robbed this morning. Nothing important - I never leave anything in the car worth taking. But they went through it and took the XXX tapes I was going to trade. There is only a 10% chance they will like the tapes. I didn't even think they were worth keeping. They left behind the unused Valentines day cards. ... They took the sex and left the love.
Doctor is home now. I'm going to eat then go to bed with him. Leave the Bear Angel over the bed to watch over us.
Have you ever felt your relationship with a person change - for no reason at all? They haven't done anything, or said anything, different then before. However, suddenly you feel closer, or more distant then you did before. Just something you sense about the relationship in general. I've felt a lot of shifting about recently.
Bil figured Galifreian out over lunch. Smart guy. I think Devin is still working on it.
Time to go and eat then clean the tears from Doctor's eyes. Crusty hardened tears from sunken cloudy eyes. Eyes that reflect his age, his wisdom, his love, his pains. Time for us both to close those eyes and rest.

Euthanasia - n. 1. The action of inducing the painless death of a person for reasons assumed to be merciful. 2. An easy or painless death. [Greek : eu-, good + Thanatos, death.]
Kill¹ v. killed, killing, kills. -tr. 1.a. To put to death; slay. b. To deprive of life: Famine killed thousands. 2. To put an end to; extinguish. 3. To harm greatly; to ruin; killed the taste. ... 6. to cause extreme pain or discomfort to: My shoes are killing me. 7. To mark for deletion; rule out. ... 9. To cause to stop; turn off. ... -intr. 1. To be fatal; cause death or extinction: ... 2. To commit murder. -n. 1. The act of killing. 2. The animal or animals killed, especially in hunting. - in at the kill. Present at the moment of triumph.
Murder n. Also obsolete murther. 1. The unlawful killing of one human being by another, especially with malice aforethought. Compare homicide, manslaughter. 2. Slang. Something that is very difficult or hazardous or that causes extreme discomfort: This heat is murder. -get away with murder. Informal. To escape punishment for or detection of a blameworthy act. -v. murdered, -dering, -ders. -tr. 1. To kill (a human being) unlawfully. 2. To kill (one or more human beings) brutally or inhumanly. 3. To destroy or put an end to. 4. To mar or spoil by ineptness: ... 5. Slang. To defeat decisively; trounce:

How many contradictions do you find in these definitions?
Thoughts recorded on a piece of paper while I was at work today. It started with a song on the Muzak.

Gabriel, I so rarely call to you. I find your lack of answers to be disturbing. Cosmo is trying to help but I'm still in conflict.
Worse yet was the way I called the vet three times. One to get the information and set up the appointment. The second time to see if there was anyway at all I could do it this afternoon. The third time to see if they had any time at all this morning if I took off work.
I made the decision. Now I want his suffering to end - but still I have to wait. Now I almost feel as if I'm to eager to see him go. (calling three times). I even considered ways to do it myself - but couldn't think of anything that would be instant and painless ... guaranteed.
I haven't talked to anyone about this ... and I won't. This is to private. I almost feel as if I'm being underhanded in my planning of it, but if I were planning the euthanasia of a human I doubt I would advertise it. - for those that follow this closely, you'll notice I post it after the fact -
I keep wondering if Doctor agrees with me. I keep thinking in Star Trek terms.
"Our laws and customs are different then yours. We respect your ways. What do you want us to do?"
"Meow."
"I don't understand."

You know this has gotten me to thinking about death in every conceivable way once again. His, mine, yours, theirs, it's. From this way to that way, for this reason or that.
From murder to homicide, euthanasia to suicide. My views on "It's my Party" are starting to shift a little. The lines between Murder, Suicide, and Euthanasia have become fuzzy. Motives come into question.
Are you doing it to end your suffering or theirs?

This is the only solace I can take in my decision. I am doing it to end his suffering. At first I would have thought I was doing it to end mine. I can't stand to see him like this. I still can't. So frail and weak. But Doctor has made some decisions of his own. Ones I have to respect ... if not encourage. He won't eat or drink. I have tried to force him - but this only pisses him off. All he wants to do is lay quietly in my (or actually a human lap). This is the only thing that makes him happy and quite. He asks for nothing if this is happening. If he is left alone - he cries, he wanders around looking for a lap (and in his weakened state - this is an earth moving chore). I do believe this is his way of saying this is what makes him happy. To wait, and die in the arms of a human, that loves him.
I don't want him to slowly starve to death. I believe he has made the choice to die - I can speed it up a little and end his suffering. I'll be at his side, if not carrying him in my arms when it happens. I will release his spirit and then morn over his ashes.
In the mean time I'm hoping that I don't actually have to go through with this. I'm actually reminded of the scene in 'Longtime Companion' where he stands at the side of the bed with his lovers hand in his and says, "It's okay. You can go. I understand. You can do it. Let go. It's alright. Let go. Just let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go."

He lays in my lap and barely breaths. I hate to have to leave the house.
Shane is here - has been all morning. We rent some films. Now we are going to go and see one. He offered to buy ... I really need to get out.
I think maybe Doctor needs some time. Bil said that animals hold on longer then they should because they think we need them. They maybe right, but I also now he needs to go. Maybe if I'm gone he might think he has the time to escape. Maybe it's best if I'm not here.
Won't be gone long. He may be here - he did try to eat today. Not much but he did try. First time in days. I think he tried because I was there trying to get him to.
"It's okay. You can go. I understand. You can do it. Let go. It's alright. Let go. Just let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go."
Going to go and see 'Lake Placid'.

I swear, he's already dead. Several times I would stop and stare at his still, ridged body and wonder if this was it. Then almost as if in response to my stare he would breath, gag, or let out the smallest of howls. I would comfort him, lay his fur all in one direction and say,
"Shh ... It's okay. Take it easy ... you can go if you want ... It's okay."

07:20
I slept with him all night. He never moved, never made a sound. I kept hoping ...
With a small cry I lift his ridged body from the bed and laid him on a pillow by his water and food. My T-shirt for a cover and a kiss good-bye as I left for work. I fully expect him to be in exactly the same position when I return home.
I would have laid him down in satin and gold if I had it. Taken all of his suffering to ease his pain if I could. Die for him if it was possible.
The king sat in the darkened throne room and lament in the shadows. Going to the window his hands gripped the shrouds and a small ray of light hit the tear on his face.
"Gabriel, please .... don't make me beg."

08:50
This is a ...
09:10
time when I wish Bil wasn't here. I want to be alone for this. It just seems like most peoples efforts to console me are only like salt in the wounds. Even the most sincere "I'm sorry" only reminds me of the pain. Its not that I don't appreciate the effort ... it just hurts.
The squeak of leather combat boots, and the smell of leather from his vest. The glint of sunlight off the spikes on his belt. Sea blue camouflage with the black and red leer of evil from Darth Maul glowing on his chest in the dark. He read over my shoulder as I wrote yesterdays entry ... before I was done he just smiled and pat me on the back. He watched TV as I finished and checked on Doctor. Then we went to the movie.
It was one of the greatest comforts I could have received. No words ... only support. It was a line he seemed to walk with great ease all day. The first I saw, the last I took home. Thanks for everything you did ... and didn't do.
"Do you like Westerns?" ~Negotiator~

10:30
Irony? 17 and 19 are prime numbers. Denied then accepted. No human food yet Doctor starves. Maybe nerves .. or meds ... but I find it difficult to breath.

He slid off the pillow a bit. Once again I thought perhaps he was gone, but when I knelt down he awoke with a howl. I tried to give him water but he drooled over the pillow and began to choke so I just let him rest. I came out here to write. ... just to kill a bit of time.
He didn't mean for it to hurt. He may have even thought it would help. My boss returned from his vacation.
"Hi. Welcome back." I said with no particular joy.
"Hey, What's up Doc?" I'm not even sure if he ever learned Doctor's name. Still it was a bit of a sting. He did however notice I wasn't my normal 'Cheery' self. I told him my cat still was not well (I did not say that I was taking him in to be killed this afternoon).
"It's just a cat."
"He was my friend for 19 years." and silence fell on the area and he went on with his work - as I did with mine.

I can't just sit here. I'm going to sit with Doc. At least Bil isn't here, for now. Maybe I'll be lucky and he won't be back by the time I leave - or even when I come back. ... I think I'll have to go for a walk tonight. Put a little extra "for the strength to do what must be done" on.

He didn't make a sound on the way to the vet. I filled out the form and was taken to a room where I pulled him out of the box. He didn't like where he was but was quiet once I held him again. The vet kept calling him 'she' - I said 'he' twice in what voice I could muster, then gave up (Dad used to do the same thing - called the dog 'he' and the cat 'she' even though it was the other way around. Said all dogs are he's and all cats are she's - it was just a habit he didn't want to break. Maybe it just kept them animals). I knew who he was, I wasn't detached from this situation. I pet him and scratched his favorite spots while the vet shaved his leg. Then I was asked to place him on the cold, sterile, metal table. I was reluctant, but I comply. I left my arm under his head, and continued to pet him as I watched the needle go in. Pink liquid was slowly squeezed into his vein.
None of what the vet described happened. I knew before the vet did.
I watched his tail uncurl. Four legs relaxed. His head slid off my arm. He wasn't rigid anymore. He was relaxed, and at peace. I just continued to pet him.
The vet took out a stethoscope so he could listen closely. I already knew. He told me he was gone anyway. I took my hands off the table. He told me I could stay as long as I wanted. I had to go - I couldn't stand to look at him this way ... the last two days where hard enough ... I didn't want to remember him like this.
I grabbed the card board box that read I 'heart' my cat and walked quickly out of the office. I didn't even bother to stop and confirm billing. I didn't care. I threw that damn box in my trunk and slammed it shut. I took a deep breath and got in the car. I turned the radio off before I even turned the car on. I pulled out of the parking lot and stopped at the sign. I watched traffic go by for several minutes. I didn't know where to go. I heard something call to me. I turned right, and drove nearly around the block and parked in front of the home. I haven't been here for so long. I got out of the car, signed in, and got in the elevator.
Grandma was asleep. I didn't wake her. She was curled up on her side. The covers where neat and unmoved. Her form barely shown in relief, so little of it there. I just stood, behind a curtain by the door, and watched her. I couldn't tell if she was breathing. I didn't want to find out. I just watched her. I thought the bed looked more comfortable then the steel table I just saw - but the image was the same. I wanted to cry, but I didn't want to wake her. I blew her a kiss, and I left.
I didn't want to see her that way. It's not how I wanted to remember her. I don't know why I went. I don't know why I didn't stay longer. I left.
I drove across town and returned 'Varsity Blues' and 'The Negotiator' then went home. As fate would have it, Bil's car was still there, but he was still not home. I was granted the time alone I wanted.
I grabbed 'Halo' from the computer. I went back to my room and undressed. The day was so bright and hot that my clothes where stuck to me. Without any regard, I just threw them on the floor. I put Doctor's collar around Halo's neck, and tucked the angel under my arm and fell asleep.

I remember angel's wings in the dark. Just the wings. Sometimes one wing would look like a face - a female face, but then it would become a wing again and fly away.
I kept thinking I heard the door open. I kept thinking Bil was home. No one was there. I never got out of bed. Until the alarm went off.

I got dressed. The computer was locked up trying to run 'Defrag'. I tried to get it to end task - but the computer didn't want to respond. Looking at the clock it had been locked up since 13:09. Right after I logged off from the journal. I laid down next to his pillow, and the other part of my life that I left running - just stopped. I turned the computer off. I left and went for a walk.

"Hello water. Please bless me with your placid nature and your fluid ability to adapt. Help me to work in unison with the other four elements - My spirit - (inhale - exhale) the air - the fire within me - the earth below me - thank you water." Kiss the hand that touched the five elements and place it on the dock. Open arms and look to the night time sky.
"Hello Mother night. Embrace me. If you feel I am worthy, shield me from your dangers and share with me your bounties. Thank you." I took two steps into the night and stopped. I turned again to the water.
"Spirits of the wild, and animal kin ..." a bull frog started a chant to let me know they where there. "Hear me." and he fell silent. "Watch over Doctor and guide him where he needs to be. Ask him to forgive me for what I've done. Both for ending his life before he chose, and for holding on to long. Tell him how much I loved him." and the frog began his chant again. I turned and began to walk.
I honestly couldn't tell you what thoughts went through my head. I remember watching people swim as I walked by. Play Volleyball. Saw a baseball game break up. I saw one old man in the shadows, playing with more then his shorts. I remembered the fountain in the rose garden. I stood by it and remembered the little fairy in the Champaign glass. I wondered what ever happened to him. I felt something in the dark touch my arm - I wondered if someone had figured out how to obfuscate. I remember looking at my watch and not believing it was 22:55.
I got in my car and I came home to write this. Still no Bil. I guess I can tell him he can bring his cat here now. I'll have to tell Mother tomorrow. I guess I'll e-mail a little obituary to those that knew ... hmm, most of them check their e-mail from here - I guess I'll just tell them. I need to eat something and then get some more sleep.

"Oh, your cat died! I'm sorry."
"Thank you." I said with a sheepish smile.
"That's why I don't have pets. It's almost like losing your children."
"What?"
"Well, not really. But I don't want to be that sad."
"I can't believe you would trade the possibility of a moment of sadness to years of happiness."
"Are you trying to say you aren't sad?"
"No, I'm saying I have 19 years of fond and happy memories that I wouldn't trade for anything."
"Wow, he was 19! He was old!"
"He was happy."

"So," He said with concern. "When are you going to get another cat?"
"Not now. Maybe not ever."
"You know you aren't replacing him."
I smiled, because someone understood. "I know. I'm just not ready."
"Our pets are the greatest stress reducer we have. I know you put a lot of love into him. I'd hate to see it go to waste."
"It won't. I just need some time to adjust before I think about it."

I explained how I have told Bil that he could now bring his cat here (he didn't bring the cat when he moved because Doctor was here). It would be a kind of stop gap. Someone else's cat. Not really my responsibility. Once that cat leaves ... maybe I'll consider another ... pet. I'm wondering if Bil took me seriously when I said he could bring his cat?
I am happy. I'm fine. I have dealt with his passing. In fact I'm relieved. I know I've done the right thing, and I know he is happy. I feel better because I don't have to watch him suffer, and worry about what I can or can't do to help him.
I still miss him. I still come into the house and look down to the floor so I don't trip on him. I still think he is around - maybe asleep under the sink or basking in the sun under the curtain.

What else has been going on? Yesterday I was so busy. I didn't get to bed until 8pm. I wrote my column for DC magazine. I actually gave slightly more technical information then I'm used to. I ran down to TAP just to make sure I included everything and (because I was writing on a past due dead line) got a second opinion on how it was written. Well, they liked it - and so did the editor ... I guess I did well.
-Hey, just a note to all that read this - do you have a question? Write me. Personal stuff I'll answer here, anything about HIV and AIDS I can use in the column. Don't want to send it to me directly - send it through DC magazine. Want advice that isn't HIV related - DC magazine also has GayCoach.

Okay, enough of the sales pitch / plea for questions. I've actually had a long day and am looking forward to sleeping. Might actually take Halo out of the bed ... tomorrow.

Finally found a picture of Doctor in the computer. I thought I had another (one of the ones that Czech Student took, but I can't find it in the computer). ... Though I might remember a place to get it from ...

Anyway. Not a whole lot going on. Went swimming yesterday. Getting ready to sweep because Bil and I have been noticing Fleas. Bil left a few bucks to get food with so I'll go shopping afterwards - shit meds! Only an hour and half late. Not to bad considering I didn't get off work until 1pm.
Blah - blah - blah - blah - rambling about nothing in particular - going to go away now.
----------------------
Well, I've been busy in the last couple of hours.
Devin is here waiting on a phone call from a friend coming into town. The phone has rung off the hook - none of it for Devin.
TAP called. Twice. They had some projects that I might be able to help with. I said yes to both.
Then the people involved in those projects began to call.
First Channel 13 news. Dana Wright called. They are doing a story on many of the HIV tests available over the internet (Actually on testing in general). Evidently many of these test have been coming back with incorrect results. They need someone that they KNOW is HIV+ to take the test to see if they work. I'm more then willing to do so - even on camera. So, tomorrow they will be by so I can take an HIV test.
I think this will be a very interesting story. Especially since they have been working with TAP to make a story about getting HIV tested - the different kinds of tests - what the tests entail - what to expect out of the experience.

Then a student at Washburn is writing a paper about HIV/AIDS. Part of the paper is about living with HIV. Of course the paper is due on Tuesday (We laughed about that on the phone - why is it every professor believes their class is the only one you have?). So, I'll be going over to talk to her at length tomorrow after the news crew leaves.
I'll be busy tomorrow.
Wow, I really ought to vacuum and clean up a bit if a TV crew is going to be here.

Okay, and one last thing. I haven't really been following the Kennedy tragedy much. But I heard they found the bodies. Cremated them and buried them at sea.

Like a fiery plane crash into the ocean wasn't enough - Let's finish off the job the accident started. Doesn't anyone else find this ... funny. Maybe my recent thoughts about Death in general have finally turned back into the ironic and humorous.

Well, Dana Wright just left. We only had the one test to use (She was expecting others to have arrived in the mail by now) and it did some very odd things.
My first complaint is that the instructions are not terribly clear. It was some what confusing on how to 'activate' the needle device to puncture the finger tip. Not to mention that if you are at all squeamish about pain or blood - this isn't the test for you.
My next problem was that I was having a hard time bleeding. You are supposed to place one drop of blood in the 'cassette' then a drop of serum, then two more drops of blood and one more drop of serum (add more serum if necessary - well, when is it necessary?). Anyway I didn't bleed enough for it to drop off my finger. I kind of had to squeeze my finger hard and then scrap it into the cassette. Add the drop of serum and then try to bleed some more. I considered trying to puncture my finger again - but the spring loaded puncture device is a one time use thing.
Just because of this level of difficulty - I would say that if you wanted to use this - get three or four of them so you could repeat the test. But at $20 to $50 a test - that is expensive. I think it would be much cheaper to go to a Doctor or clinic and have a pro do it right once.
Next - like they suspected might happen - It came back with a negative test.
WHOOPEE!! I'M CURED!!! NOT!
Okay, like a home pregnancy test you are looking for lines to appear. On this test - one line you are negative - two lines you are positive. It is supposed to appear clearly within 3 to 15 minutes (in fact it claims that it isn't accurate after 15 minutes - so if you take the test you can't just leave it, go see a movie then check the result when you get back).
After 5 minutes we had a small pink / purple blot in the corner of the test window. So we added more serum - actually the rest of the serum (there is only about 4 drops in the container). Fairly soon after that I had one very distinct purple line. 15 minutes where up. That is a negative result for HIV. About twenty minutes later a very faint second line showed up. I was squinting to see it. Faint enough we didn't think it would show up on the camera. Besides it was outside of the 15 minutes that it claims to be accurate.
So - did it say I was positive or negative. If I had been on my own (doing this for the first time and not knowing the result) - I still would have thought negative. If I noticed the second line at all - I could pass it off in a stage of denial as not dark enough or outside the test results range. If I had been level headed - I might consider taking another test just to be safe - but I'm still sure that I'm negative.

I was telling Dana - I was a big advocate of the home test. I feel that everyone should be tested. This gives the opportunity to those that might not want to go to a medical agency - or just want to do it in the privacy and security of there home. Now I'm very leery of recommending just any home testing kit. Dana tells me there is ONE that is approved by the Federal government - I'm now interested in finding out if it works - I don't know the cost though. I am more apt to recommend seeing a health care professional for an HIV test now.
Two reasons.
1) As I said above - I would rather have someone else do the test to make sure it is done correctly and only done once. I would want to be certain that the test was accurate.
2) Counseling is available. The person giving you the results is automatically someone that you can talk to. They Should be able to refer you to information and any other help you may need.
There isn't even a 800 number to call with this test - you are left completely on your own.

Looking at that cassette now - nearly 30 minutes later - that second line is clearer, but still nowhere near as dark as the first one. Also to add to the confusion - the Brochure / Instructions lists the lines as C and B (A being where you put the blood in) . The Cassette is marked C and T. I'm looking at the instructions again - I think now that it is trying to say that if only C (the very faint line in my test) shows up you are negative. If B shows up at all - then you are positive.
Maybe this did work the way it is supposed to. - - But it is confusing.

Oh, unless I hear different - this story should air Monday night at 10pm (channel 13).

May be going to see the Haunting tonight. There was talk of it. Shane offered to pay for me again. I'm going to owe him big time once I have money again. (Finally saw adds for the other film I couldn't remember the name of - Bruce Willis in "Sixth Sense").
I didn't get much sleep last night. Remember when I asked if you ever had a relationship change without anything happening? That I had recently not only felt more distant to some - but closer to others - well, one of the ones that I had felt closer to (for no reason ... in fact I could think of reasons to be more distant - but I'm not) I caught looking in my door as I slept (I obviously wasn't really all that asleep). I then asked what he wanted and he came in to give me a hug - said he was sorry about Doctor. I asked what was wrong (I could just tell something was bothering him).
"The demons and angels of my past are battling for my future." Funny thing is - I knew exactly what he meant. It started a long talk. I think he felt better by the time he left - not resolved, but better. We even did a card reading which really seemed to speak directly to his concerns. By then it was time to wake up for meds. Then I went back to bed and actually got some sleep before work.
Been in a really happy mood all day.

Oh - one last thing. I was writing to a friend of mine about Doctor. They had also 'recently' lost a family member. This is part of what they said, and how I responded.

Uh, it is about 4:20 in the morning. I've just gotten home. So much to write about.
Okay - First the HIV test thing - after carefully reading the instructions and debating them with about three others - We think it did give a positive result. Same original complaint - the directions are difficult to understand. So just for your info - here's what it says (with my best to show the diagrams)

C T
( | ) O
With a very faint line showing up under the C after about 20 to 25 minutes.

Is it just us - or does anyone else see the confusion? By the way - notice that it says that if it does come back Positive you still have to have this confirmed by a health care professional. What's the point of doing this test at all then?

Was talking about this to my Dad today. He said it is the 'Ora-sure' test that is approved by the FDA. It isn't an instant test - you have to mail the sample in for test results. Still, it's more accurate and does include counseling and referrals in your area. Not to mention that if you go to a Health clinic the test is a free service (or is at cost - which because of state wide bulk buying is about $4).

Only got about four hours of sleep. Went to work. Came home. Got about two hours of sleep. Was woken to go and see 'Haunting'. (Mom loaned me some money - so I paid for Shane this time). The movie was good - but not great (It had a great ghost story - but I think much of it ended up on the editing room floor in favor of Special F/X which where great, but over the top). Then we promptly hopped on the highway for a bit of an adventure to find the KC vampire game. We did find it. I had a pretty good time - but the KC group is so large I have a hard time getting involved and keeping up when I do. I like our small games better.
After the game (or actually before it was really over) Shane and I decided to go to the Bars in KC (Specifically we wanted to go to the Dixie Bell). I had a great time. Danced for about four hours. We both actually ran out of money. I had one dollar - and it takes $1.75 to use the toll road home. Luckily Shane was getting along really well with a guy - who loaned us a $1 to get Shane's phone number (which Shane wanted him to have anyway). Wish I was good looking enough to be able to do that. Instead, I danced really close to two different guys ... but never even learned a name.

I was wired. I sat down to write all of this and now I am beginning to feel the effects of all this activity with the amount of sleep I've had. I'm about to go face down in the keyboard. ... Shane is passed out on the couch :) - btw' I use the term 'passed out' figuratively, I've never seen him drink (I don't know if he does or not) he is just soundly asleep -- which I'm about to be.

Woke up, and Shane offered to take Bil and I to Lunch (Breakfast) at Ruby Tuesdays. After that we got a bit bored and he offered to take us to see 'Inspector Gadget'. A REALLY good movie by the way - later in the night I saw Siskel and guest 'thumbs down' it but it occurs to me they don't know what kids will like and have no sense of humor to begin with. I had Shane laughing later when I told him I was going to owe him so much later. He said I didn't owe him anything.
"Movies - dinner - dancing - you don't ask for anything in return ... You're the best Lover I've ever had!".
On the way to Lunch - I brushed my hand up against my knee - and noticed it was tender. No bruise or anything - but it hurt when I touched it. So I stopped touching it. As the day progressed - it just began to hurt more and more and get really stiff. During the Camarilla chapter meeting - I had it on ice for a while. It still hurts. I have no idea what I did to it!
Chapter meeting - well, it wasn't the best thing I ever watched. I haven't seen that many people get worked up over something in a long time. Is it any wonder it was about money?
I just wish people would learn how to argue. Keep your voice down (it monitors your emotions). Say what you have to say once - listen to the other guy. Respond if necessary - don't continue to repeat what you just said like he didn't hear anything you said. Repeating your stand more then twice mearly shows that you refuse to cooperate, listen, or compromise. There is no reason for you to be there anymore. The 'argument' stands at a stalemate. Repeating things doesn't make any head way - it only wastes time.
I've said enough. If meetings continue to be heated like this - I think I'll ask to have them somewhere else. I'll let it happen a few more times before I decide that.
Twice now in the last two days - I have been incredibly tactless, and shocked a couple of people. It wasn't really my intent - it just happened that way.
"So, how is your cat?"
"Dead."
The look of utter shock on there faces clues me in that I have been bad. I generally have to back up and comfort them a bit and assure them that I'm fine (no really). I didn't mean to just blurt that out for you. Thanks for asking about him.
Tonight, Brian (T) is going to take me to dinner. He got a dinner gift certificate from the Airline that messed up his flight plans.
"Since you waited for me at the airport until midnight and I still didn't show up ..."
"It wasn't a problem."
"... and I didn't get you anything for your birthday ..."
"You weren't supposed to."
"Shut up. I'm taking you to dinner."
"Okay. Thanks."

I was in someone else's very interesting dream. In this dream I was after a certain gem. I thought Death had it. I fought her for it - and won. Only in her dying breath she told me I was a fool - because she didn't even have it. I then tried to use something like my gypsy cards to find it - but while I was trying to get the pictures to match a man appeared behind me with the gem. I didn't notice him. A bird tried to scatter the cards so I would look behind me - but I was intent on the pictures in front of me. Finally, the bird was successful in getting me to turn around. I challenged the man for the gem. He didn't move and I struck him - only I couldn't make contact ... as if he where some kind of ghost. He then told me that I couldn't get the gem that way - and he vanished.
The Dreamer woke up.
Does the dream apply to me or the Dreamer? Am I symbol of something to the Dreamer? Did the dreamer mearly have a dream about what has been observed in my behavior? Perhaps the Dreamer witnessed something I did on the Dreamscape (the reason I say that one - there were many details in the dream that match the way I often picture and dream about myself).
"What do you think it means, Sugar?"
"I don't know. It's an interesting tale for now."
"Is that all, Sugar?"
"Well, one question ..."
"Go ahead - ask."
"Do you think I'm fighting you?"
"No more then anyone else, Honey. The gift of life is only my shadow. People like to stay there because it's kwel and safe. But, eventually, everyone will see the light behind me."
"But am I fighting to stay in your shadow?"
"Honey, we dance. Both of us move around. I don't know who is leading. Just enjoy the music and dance with me." So I took her delicate hand in mine. I placed my other hand on her spiked belt. Her black nails reached around me and scratched into the denim on my butt. I was pulled in close enough to smell the leather - something which ... exhilarate me. The orchestra continued. As I listened to hundreds of different instruments in harmony, we waltzed and I smiled.

I just came from the mail box. I got CD's from my friend Shawn Decker. I haven't listened to it yet but it looks great. Synthetic Division's TAINTED GOODS is done. I guess one thing I'll have to do is call him and comment on how much I like his hair blonde - and visit bonusround.com/shawn and see if those "Promoting Negativity" T-Shirts are for sale. I like it.

Can't wait for pay day. All the money is already gone. Rent - groceries - FLEA KILLER!!! I still have those little black dots running around and I want them dead. I'm actually getting bitten now - but I don't seem to feel them - just see the results. Waiting for the Dr. to call back with my last T-Cell count. It's been over three weeks since I had that test drawn.

I had a nightmare last night. It was really disturbing. I woke up very tired because of it.
I dreamed Bil was trying to rape me. I couldn't stop him. It was very frustrating - and panicky. I thought I woke up. I was still scared - and paranoid. I kept looking around to see if anyone was in my room. I was to weak to sit up - and someone was holding my feet still. I was trying to kick loose but I couldn't. I could feel the hands coming out of the bed to hold me at the ankles. I could only move my head and I couldn't scream. Then the alarm woke me.
Don't know what to think of that dream. It wasn't even in the least bit sexual. It was about an invasion of my 'self' and a feeling of being helpless and trapped. I can't for the life of me think of why I would feel any of that. It bothers me even more that it was Bil in the dream. It is something so completely far away from his personality. I don't associate any feelings of being trapped with him. In fact I like having him around - He does the dishes.

Enough of this psychobabble. I'm going to bed because I'm still tired. I'm going to listen to my new CD. Good night.

Okay, for those that tried to watch the channel 13 story on Monday - you may have noticed it didn't run. It should run on Wednesday night (10pm again). Dana Wright just left here a while ago because they had to re-film some of the interview (to much light from the window). It was kind of fun the second time because Bil, Barb and Melissa where also here.
TAINTED GOODS, is some of the best stuff I've heard in a long time. Shawn if you are reading this - I'm going to try and get Ray Valasquez (sp?) the local electronica DJ to listen to this. "What You Got" is Fantastic! Best work you've done to date - Keep up the good work, you're only getting better.

Nap time before work. Long day ahead. Go in early to unload the truck - tags - Lunch with Ray - sleep as much as possible - friend I haven't seen in a while coming over later - plus the news story runs.
--------------------------------
:12:45

Rational mind vs. Feeling mind.
Twice isn't a coincidence. I'm haunted.
I went to bed - and I had the same nightmare only different. I had the distinct impression that someone was in my room. I woke up - I am sure I was awake. I still had the impression that someone was in my room. I was afraid of the rape dream again. It bothers me that a grown man of 33 lay in bed listening to sounds in the dark hugging a beanie baby angle with a cat collar mentally chanting -
"I am strong. I am willful. I am protected."
Somewhere in that chant I feel asleep again - but I didn't know that. Finally something told me who was in the room and I call out their name. She answered and I relaxed for a moment. Then I leapt out of bed and tackled her thinking it was a lie or a trick. The lights came on and I had my finger up Melissa's nose and we began to laugh. I remember asking why she was in my room - after all it was freaking me out - and we just kept laughing about the tackle and my finger ending up in her nose. Then other members of the Cam where in my room. Shane, Rodger and Devin where the ones I remember the most. I distinctly remember that Bil wasn't there.
Then I woke up suddenly - with the feeling that someone was still in my room. As if the dark made them invisible and they where just standing over my bed watching me. I could hear them moving around. Have you ever listened to someone try to be quite in a room? You can still hear a rustling noise as they move trying to stay still. You can hear them breath. You can hear the carpet squeak as they shift the weight from one foot to another.

Rational mind

I've heard these sounds before. All the time. I always thought they where Doctor wandering around in the night.

It's just noises I hear. Could be the neighbors upstairs.

I have nothing to be afraid of. I can fight back. What ever it is - it can't hurt me.

Feeling mind

Now, they just seem ... bigger ... like the size of a human. One that is just leering over me while I sleep.

I feel a presence. I feel it in my room. Not in the rest of the apartment or upstairs.

It just seems a bit malevolent. Maybe a little mischievous.

Intuitive mind

It only happens when I'm in bed - half asleep.

It only happens in the morning - not when I sleep during the day.

If I'm dreaming -
If I'm aware -

Creative mind

Maybe I'm dreaming it - or just more aware.

If something (or someone) is there - it's only at night.

Am I dreaming with someone?
Is it an Astral Projection?

Over all conclusion :
Figure it out. Stop what ever it is. Ghost - exorcise it. Astral Projection - ward them off. Dream - get over it.
In the mean time - sleep during the day. Remember Lucid dreaming.

Pat came over the other night. I hadn't seen him in a long time. After he left, I started to work on the computer. I started to get tired. I vowed not to sleep because of that 'presence' in my room. Then I decided I was to tired not to sleep and I also said,
"Who the Hell's home is it anyway? Mine!"
So I went to sleep. I had the feeling that something was at the foot of the bed just waiting to grab my feet. So ... I intentionally put my feet down there. I pictured it was Devin down at the foot of the bed just teasing me. I figure Devin knows better then to bug me much - and if he is down there, he's got strong enough magic to keep anything else at bay. Then I heard a noise - that was most diffinately the upstairs neighbor going to the bathroom - and I went to sleep.
No problems.

Payday. I don't have a dime of it left. Rent - Lunch with Ray (I bought, it was my turn) - one bill - I'm going for some grocerys soon. I only have about $60 left for that chore. Rent is what ate that paycheck, then next one is where I will really catch up. I really wanted to send off for some of the porno tapes I want to order - but when you hold $60 in your hand and say,
"Porno or Food." it sets your priorities pretty quick. So I said it again to make sure I would choose food.

Didn't get to bed until nearly 4pm. Dropped by TAP to get info on needle transmition for the new 'Risk factors' page I want to do (Think I'm going to call it "Promoting Negativity"). Stopped at the Dr.s office to try and get that last T-Cell count. They just gave me my charts again. I found everything but a T-Cell count. Thing is that if what I think I read is true - my Viral Load went up and I do have resistances to several drugs. Since I read that myself I'm not going to take it as the truth until I've been over it with the Dr. What bugs me now is - how long does it take to count my T-Cells? I'll tell myself it takes this long because now there are so many. I mean it only takes about a week to so to count about 3 to 400. Now that it's been about 3 weeks it must be over 900.
I am cured! not.
Speaking of which - channel 13 did run the Story on Wednesday night. I've been getting teased about it all day. "Look at the movie star! Can I have your autograph?" Seems like more people saw this story then the one I did for channel 49 on the AIDS memorial. I liked the story also. I think they did a really good job. I most liked the sound bite of me after just reading the instructions to the test where I said,
"Does any of this make sence to anyone else?"

One last thing - Shawn Decker has started Meds. After 10 plus years without them he felt he had reached a time when it was right for him to try it. Many of you have been asking about the link to his page (yes, it's still down), and he is working on it. I've offered to help him in anyway I can. Today I got a message in my e-mail. To make just a bit of sence out of it - here's his last two letters (the first one was sent out to several of his positiod brothers).

Hey gang o pals, Saw the doctor this morning and got my prescription. I was trying my hardest to avoid any dreaded diarhea drugs, but I couldn't escape this time. I went in hoping to avoid protease for now, but the doc said it's important to get my numbers in and system in a bit of order, then we can switch to something easier. I'm just going to have to be a little trooper. Today was trying because we spent so long in the hospital, ** went with me. The assholes at the pharmacy only gave me a weeks worth of Viracept because 120 pills is all the assholes at the insurance company will cover at a time. I gotta call them and let them know how ridiculous that is. I also got put on Bactrim and something else that I take 2 times a week. Not too bad. My website will be back up soon, and I'll write it all out there. *HUGS* Thanks to you all for your advice and support! Shawn ------------------------------------- Subject: yo yo yo Date:Thu, 29 Jul 1999 12:45:04 -0400

Hey Bret! I'm going to try and get my homepage back, if not could I post on your's? I want to keep some kind of documentation about this meds stuff. ____________________ Day One These pills suck! Last night my first doasage was fine, then today I took it and the pills were melting in my mouth (not in my hand). It's 99, they can develop a pill that can make it to your stomach before it starts dissolving. I know they can. There's no shame in asking the guys who made Baby Geniuses for help, if they can make it look like babies are talking in adult voices they can do this pill thing. Teamwork is the key. ______________________ You can go ahead and post that if you want. It's kinda funny. :O) :O) :O)

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