Recent Journal Entries:
My Vacation - Palm Springs

© 1999 July (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

9906.25:14:2Ø *This is miss dated. It should be 9906.26:14:2Ø*

This vacation has started off with "near disaster" written all over it. When you start off with sudden planning like I did, I guess you should expect to follow through that way, but why couldn't I pull it out with a smooth landing?
Okay, I think I did mention the crash planning of this. Basically discussing when I could try to go (because there is only one other person that knows how to do my job - and she is now also the head book-keeper ~ a hard to cover position) an opening appeared that we all felt I should leap on before I had to wait months to try again. Now having 3 weeks of vacation to take before the end of the year means the longer I wait the longer I'll be gone for a large stretch of time became.
I had the money for the ticket (barely really) so I called & e-mailed Mike and then bought the tickets that day.
I thought I would have a problem later when Mike wasn't sure if he could get me from LAX and we tried to change the destination to Palm Springs (Where I'm actually going to stay). It turns out that it was actually less hassle and money to just by extra tickets from LAX to Palm Springs. Mike paid for those - Thank god because it would have completely broken me.
So I'm now in KCI waiting for the first of 3 flights to get me to my destination. Mike thought I might have a problem getting my luggage checked to the correct destination (since I actually had two sets of tickets) but I inadvertently solved that ... no luggage to check. I packed light.
My only other concern at this point is my Birthday. I told Mike I would have plans on Thursday but the last e-mail I got said they had reservations in Vegas for us on Thursday night. I don't know if they can change them or not. Don't know how I can explain to them my desire to be alone on my B-day without offending them. I may not try. I guess I'll continue to play it by ear and fly by the seat of my pants.
My other big scare came last night. I was actually proud of getting myself in bed by 3:30pm (instead of 6pm like most of the week ... or month) bu. I set the alarm for midnight to take meds. At about 5:30 Bil called. While we talked Devin came in. I finished talking to Bil then made fun of Devin for having pierced his tongue. Then I tried to sleep. I began to think of all the things I wanted to have done. It occurred to me that much of it had to be done now, midnight would be to late.
So I got up at 6pm. I started to clean. Devin & I ordered a PIZZA (watching him learn to eat again is funny). I copied down "Working Heart" (I had been miss naming it all along) Fixed Bil's web link and un-white out the entry above (I decided I could let it be read while I was gone and I would deal with any fall out when I return).
Time for meds. Then I looked ... then I counted ... Yup, not enough meds to go the whole vacation. My pharmacy has no weekend hours. Either did the Doctor. It was priority one to get at least 4 days of meds to last me not only my vacation but until the Pharmacy opened again.
Lots of Phone calls from work. Finally I found a pharmacy that had the meds in stock ... but had to have the prescription, pharmacy okay (or transfer) or a Doctors okay to do it (and I would still have to pay up front rather then bill TAP). I found the Doctor on call through the answering service and he said he would call in the prescription if I could supply at once the pharmacy number, the needed drugs and the dosages to tell the pharmacy. I then called and woke up Devin to read the mg doses off the bottle to me. Grabbed a phone book and called the Doctor back. Then I nervously wait to see if it would all fall into place in time.
I ran home with a flea collar for Doctor (the cat not the one calling the prescription) and this notebook I'm writing in. Changed clothes just as Brian (T) arrived to take me to KCI. Stopped and got the meds. Whew!
Then we stopped at McDonalds for food.

Z *The Z represents a scribble that I used to denote a brief period of time that I wasn't writing*

Well, it would also seem just about everything I have sets off the metal detectors ... including my condoms. *This mystified me. I thought it was actually my nipple ring setting off the wand. Wait until I go through the metal detector coming home ;)* Pardon me while I dump toys and keys into my carry-ons.

Z

Where was I? ... McDonalds. Brian and I stopped for food. Oh, the guys in front of us were good looking. I think they may have been brothers. One was a red head ... the other a blonde with reddish color to it. As I said, both really good looking but I was a bit more focused on the red-head. I've never been with a natural red head ... and he didn't appear to be the father of the kids running around my feet (the blonde I believe was). Any way they sat down and Brian and I ordered. While waiting for our food I was talking about 'Tarzan' to Brian. Suddenly two large hands were on my shoulders and a deep voice nearly in my ear *quietly* said,
"Pardon me, sir. I'm going to cut in front of you for a second."
It was the blonde guy. They forgot one of the kids drinks on his order. I stood there dumbfounded at his ... friendliness. I completely lost my train of thought. I brought this up in the car later and Brian just laughed.
"You just stood there! With your hand through your belt loop with this look of .. "I will remain in control' on your face. You where like a deer in the headlights." *The hand was trying to make sure I didn't visibly embarrass myself*
So, here I sit. All caught up with what has happened. Now I'm just left with my thoughts.
I am a mean, cold hearted son of a bitch. This is the thought that runs through my head as I think of Bil for the first time today.
@ Boarding now - time for this later.

:17:55 CST

-heh- keep wanting to write in Gallifreian like at work.
Denver. I almost wish this lay over was long *enough* to visit Griffin, Chris and Melanie. But I have less then an hour here ~ I think ~ time change always confuses me. Would have written on the plane but I sat down and promptly fell asleep. I never even recline the chair.
-woof- some really good looking men here. I love airports just because of the constant flow of beautiful scenery.

Why am I cold hearted, mean son of a bitch? The white out trick is a start. If I didn't want it to be read then I shouldn't have written it. Worse, I shouldn't have un-white it just before I leave - dropping it all like a bomb - figuring I'd just clean up when I get back. That is just mean.
Going to check in at this gate now.
Z
Why else? Okay, I had said to Barb and Melissa in one of our conversations that what I really felt was missing here was a statement of intent. No one (myself included) has said anything about what we intend to do about our feelings, desires, wishes or lack of the above.
Yet Bil has put out slow and steady and progressive physical signals. and Even though I claim to not be interested I have done nothing to stop these advances, in fact I've encouraged them. If I had a man in my lap sucking on my fingers I'd figure I was a shoe-in. How can I do that to Bil and then even ask him to sleep in my bed and expect him to think that I'm not interested. If the shoe were on the other foot ... I'd be pissed. Now that I have some distance from the situation, I can't believe how manipulative and callous I've been toward Bil.
I say manipulative because if I am uninterested, as I claim, then why lead him on like this unless I'm just using him for the attention. If I am interested, then why keep telling him nothing or keep telling myself I'm not.
I have some lines to draw. Either I am interested and these advances should be acknowledged or I'm not and they should stop.
Melissa and I also had the mind blowing conversation ~"Do you think maybe I'm letting it all happen just because he is the only one making advances?" Think of all the blows and cuts to the ego's of both parties that is. All and all that thought is self destructive to me and demeaning to him.
Its cold hearted and mean.
About to board.

:19:3Ø

Odd, I still want to write in Gallifreian. This proves to be an interesting flight. I have a reluctant flier (two years of age) in front of me and a national Rugby team behind me.
"Typical United flight." (I think he's a coach or manager) said "Delayed or Canceled." With a hearty laugh he added "At least we're only delayed so far."
I don't mind the delays, but I'm worried about making my last connecting flight.
Getting ready for take off.
So far I have managed to always have the seat next to me empty and not be near eye-shot of a cute man. I'm still remembering that guy from McDonald's. I really am enjoying the parade of beautiful people in the airport.
Z
Take-of.
Watching the lights of the runway as we take-off I remember back to flying with Dad.
The air is a little rough ... the boisterous team is quite but the child cries for mommy. The kid can't be all bad ... he has more 'TARZAN' toys then I do :)
You know what I like most about the 'TARZAN' movie? The message of belonging ... and love. "One heart ... One family."
-heh- there's a fly in the plane.
Gong to quit writing for now. I think I've torn myself up enough. Time to enjoy flying ... and looking at the mountains from here.

:22:1Ø

Just made it to this flight. What would have been  a 45 minute layover become a quick run with no bathroom stop.
?Burlington? Beach Rugby club     Cool bunch of Rugged men ;)
The kid quite down pretty quick and enjoyed the flight.
I've never been in a plane this size. It's a EMB120 Brasilia. Bigger then the sesna's I grew up around - much smaller then the 747 I just left. It is a prop plane though. There are like ... 8 of us on this plane (not including staff ... so maybe 11 or 12)
... Oh yeah! That's what I miss. The surge of take off. Being pressed back into the seat. Big planes you don't feel that.
Cool now I'm over the ocean!
Z
Watching the sunset from the air is really wonderful.
Remind me to thank Mike for this leg of the journey. *I did - in the airport as we hugged*
The sounds of the engine are like a lullaby. Look at the City lights come on.
Where did the moon go? I miss my Ladies of the moon.

9906.27:09:40 CST

Even in California, Sunday morning is all religious programming.
Mike and Tom have a very nice place here. I've been made to feel very much at home. So much so that I am sitting here naked near glass doors and I don't care at all. Where is that guy that wore shorts to bed not that long ago? *With Bil - when normally I sleep naked*
Lets see, got on the ground and was met by Mike and Tom. We then came here where I met the pets and got a tour of the house. Then we sat up and watched TV until .... almost 2am CST. I just woke up so that means about 7 hours of solid sleep. Wow, I think that's the most I've had in weeks.
Someone else is up. I can hear Lisa (the hyper Doberman) running around. The other animals are Maggie a really sweet dog (She's a kind of a yellow cream color) and the cats Athena and Apollo (Athena's kind of skittish but a beautiful calico cat. Apollo is the softest black cat I've ever met and seems to have taken a real liking to me).
Something else I like but am not use to ... Everyone in the house is HIV positive <accept the animals. Unless I'm mistaken I'm the only one currently on meds. Still it's cool to know everyone here has the silly virus and still has a life and has dealt with it.
Also, I don't know why I think so, but I think Mike is unusually happy to see me. Maybe its just because he's very happy (consider that when we met he and Shawn where in a very rocky relationship and the last time I actually saw him Tim was in the hospital ~ only to die a few weeks later). Maybe I'm just not used to seeing him so happy. He and Tom obviously have a good thing going. Something which gives me hope for relationships. They have been together now about two years.
Well, Mike has determined that I will get a tan while I'm here. Maybe now is a good time to find some kind of breakfast and see what is around.

9906.28:02:15

So tired ... this will be brief.
I am slightly sunburned ... Mike is watching out for me in that respect. I would have been worse if he didn't tell me to get out of the pool. We went for a short motorcycle ride ... Gods, I really miss my bike. The convertible is a poor substitute.
We tired to upload a new picture to his web-cam but the Yahoo!, Geocities merger has screwed things up. We'll try again later.
Then we went bar hopping. Hunter's then CC Construction. Hot oil wrestling tonight. The crowd was small and unenthused. I said it was like Topeka. We found out later (someone reminded Mike) this is a resort town, thus the crowd always sucks week before and week after a holiday. This is the week before 4th of July.
Plan to do some yard work and maybe painting tomorrow. Don't know about later.
Still trying to figure out exactly how to handle July 1. Mike has seemingly accepted that I will not be here for it ... but isn't happy about it.
We are both 1's ~ means we are stubborn according to TOM's book.
        Goodnight.

9906.28:11:2Ø CST

I still haven't switched over to this time zone.
I think between this minor sunburn (just enough for a little color and a dry itchy feeling) the dessert air and all the caffeine I've had (about 5 cokes last night at the bars) ~ I'm a little dehydrated. I didn't really consider this until this morning when I just couldn't really wake up but I had to go and pee about 4 times last night.
So, I've had about two glasses of water today and plan to drink less coke.
I guess I should go and find Mike and see about the yard work before it gets to late and let Tom work in peace. *Tom works from home*

Z Okay, Mike is still asleep so, I grab the cards.
?What will my Birthday be like? *chart of how the cards fell in the grid*

22> Road (ML) Joyful journey
6^ Apple (I) unpleasant occurrence
27> Letter (IS) Interesting unexpected news
47v Devils (S) Don't listen to cunning whisper
48^ Rooster (I) wake from sleep to daily activity
41> Cat (S) Beware claws behind a friendly exterior
15> Bear (M) effort bears fruit
38^ Lady (S) having sucked you dry they turn away
N10v Scythe (IM) Evil fate pursues

LC
18>Dog help of friends will support you / faithful & constant friend
17v Heron change of residence / <=
36> Handshake Love wields you into one with one you love/ Strong friend for life
3Ø^ Lily Useless doubts of faith & jealousy / Happy life

6) nothing serious - drop argument before it gets to big
10) Accept and live with (HIV or gay?)
    Once reconciled appears less (^?) maybe a person entering your life ~ don't antagonize
17) heh - Mike is sitting here telling about insurance options as a way to knock down my reason for staying in Topeka
47)? Don't listen to undermining thoughts (10)? (doubt, inadequacy ~ "I can't do this B-day thing in unfamiliar territory" obviously I can 18-22-15 support that)
Won't be easy 6-41-1Ø but it can happen.

9906.29:00:15

Going to bed early. Lots of work to do tomorrow.
Drove by the Windmill farms today. They are so beautiful. I couldn't believe it when Mike told me many felt they are ugly eye-sores and want to get rid of them. The simplicity of form, the fluid movement. I could watch them for hours.
Just like swimming. It relaxes me. Floating in the water, almost weightless. Staring up into the night sky or watching the bubbles forming on my skin. So peaceful.
We went shopping today. I found some of the gifts and presents I wanted. I still need to collect the rocks and the sand ... I may have a problem with the ocean picture. I'm about 12Ø miles inland ... But maybe Mike will take me back to Black's Beach. We've talked about it. However, tonight just before dinner Mike also mentioned that it pisses him off that I don't want to be around him on my birthday. I didn't get many words in - but at least Tom asked questions. Its not that I don't want to be around Mike (or Tom) but they know it's my birthday. The ritual is to be around people that don't know. A ritual I have performed since I was 18.
"I don't care. It offends me." he said. This really does bother me. I'm not out to offend anyone. I don't do this to hurt other people's feelings. I keep remembering the year I got boycott. Why can't people understand that I want (that I prefer) to celebrate my birthday differently?
Tomorrow I will bring this up once with Mike. I'll stay here IF he can not say "Happy Birthday" or do even one thing with the excuse "because its your Birthday" attached to it. No celebrations, no presents, no special treatment. My biggest fear is (because I've seen it happen before) is that he will say he can - then won't follow threw.
It curses my year when that happens. Not every day of it, but I've noticed that when people fuck around my only two holidays ~ things go wrong.
I hope I can get him to understand one way or another. I don't want him mad at me. Hell, I don't want anyone mad at me.
I'm worrying about things outside of my control. I have to quit.
Time to dream of more men I can't have.

9906.29:14:ØØ CST

Just got back from an unsuccessful quest. I'm also just now trying to figure out if my birthday ritual begins and ends CST or PST.
I asked Mike about my birthday. If it really bothered him that I would be gone.
"No." he said. "Its your day. You should do what you want."
We weeded the garden today. Now I'm sleepy. I think I'll lay down for a "Disco-nap" as Mike calls it.

:2Ø:25
!?! What the hell!!! That wasn't a nap.

Z

:24:4Ø *Miss labeled - should be 23:40*
Cards again
44^Fox (sm) warmed by love on cold night
50^Bread (m) having received ~ give back
N6>Apple (I) pleasant unexpected happening
23>Mice(I) unexpected discovery
43<Crayfish (sl) delay by fate
9<Bouquet(IS) fulfillment of hope

LC
13>Boy found in pleasant company / travel
22vRoad happy path //<=
31>Sun warmth within me alone / happy joy
18vDog faithful constant friend / <=

*Lay out of cards on the grid - following question was written in Gallifreian* ¿Will I get laid on vacation?
Z
TOM
*Grid, question and results. When I do a reading for someone else it is a point of honor that I do not discuss the question or the results with anyone other then the person I did the reading for. Others may be present when I do the reading, but I don't discuss it with them after that if the reading wasn't their own.*

9906.30:17:3Ø

I've been mystified by MTV2 videos for a few hours now. I miss video's. The constant pour of visual images.
Spent a good portion of the night on-line at reX.chat with seeX. and CeRbY. "Did someone say the magic word?" 3some. Loner. Curve from Topeka but I don't think we've met. Taurus, Libra, cancer, Astrology, tarot, Mythology, Art schools, cartoons, we all had to go to bed. "Did some1 say the magic word?"
Killing time before South Park the Movie. Still trying to figure just How, when, and what to do come Midnight.
Z
:22:1Ø
SOUTH PARK was hysterical!
Went to eat at the Sweet Water PUB afterward and had a brush with Celebrity. Rip Torn sat at the table next to us. Kind of weird having someone known as a Celebrity sitting next to us and just being ... human. It was even weirder when one fan came over to introduce himself. This guy was shaking from the excitement. He looked drunk ... I don't think he was, but that's how excited he was. I think I'm about to take off for the night.
This is the beginning of a whole new adventure. I'm taking off a bit early in the hopes of getting somewhere before it gets to dark.
Where I'm trying to go ... I don't know.

9907.01:00:05 CST

So it begins. With timid good-byes and a nervous and reluctant send off. I short walk Warnings heeded and controlled (whether they believe so or not) I leave and face my first challenge. How do I leave this complex? *They live in Housing complex with a gate* Someone else enters and I leave in their shadow.
My walk is actually short. The wind picked up and I asked for protection as the others paranoia gripped me for a moment. I even remembered that I left Devin's rocks behind   - the crystal from the Lavender pagan circle also. *Did I mention that before I left Devin made me take three rocks from my Parking lot as part of a protection ritual for my journey? I told him I had my crystal from the Pride ritual, but he wanted me to have more. They were supposed to stay with me the whole time (to be returned when I got home), but I had taken them out of my pocket and I left them on the table next to my keys.* I was truly on my own. The wind whispered to me, and a passer-by smiled in the dark. I felt safer, but the dark of a strange city surrounded me. I had to find a haven.
I took with me a map. A Gay map from "the Bottom Line" *one of the Gay newsletter magazines of the area*. I found myself in vaguely familiar territory and then inn the arms of Shilo for 69. I enter my room, ironically my age now with a 1 waiting to be added. I took my meds. I turn on the TV and I begin to write.
I feel safe now. Daylight will bring security. As the sun sets over the mountains I will find my way back to Mike and Tom. If I can't navigate the roads I'll call them to find me.

Now I rest for the coming day.

9906.01:09:1Ø *mislabeled - should be 9907.01:09:1Ø*

I haven't written half of what I thought I have ... I was dreaming when I wrote it.

How did I end up in Topeka? I remember checking out of the hotel and then I was home. My apartment was a mess ... ding-dongs where squished into the floor. Then Devin and Rodger opened the door and I ran past them as they stare slack-jawed at me. *Because I shouldn't have been caught on my Birthday* I heard Devin in the distance stutter,
"It'll be clean when you get back!"
I remember laying down on a skateboard (or was my back just incredibly slick?) and trying to race back to Denver where I could rest and figure out how I got home. I had to get back to California before the end of the day or Mike would kill me.
Truck stops and highways - I kept running into people I already knew. They were trying to put together a party and I was going to escape but I had to get to the front desk and return the keys.
Then I woke up for the first time and thought I wrote this down. The dream was so real I thought I had woke up in Topeka. I figured I would have to hitchhike to California to get back to home.

I'm sure that I woke up ~ but I was dreaming as I wrote. I realized I feel asleep again and had more strange dreams trying to hitch home. *Home being California in this dream. Also I remember holding this journal (the red notebook I'm transcribing from) in front of my chest ~ as if it was a shield that I was hugging close to me* Thought I woke up and wrote them down. Then fell asleep again.
I realize I had to wake up. I was becoming as captivated by the images in my dreams as I do with a TV. I lose my thoughts and just stare at the idiot box. I'll stop talking half way through a sentence, Its like hitting pause (or worse yet ... reset) on my brain to present me with bizarre or fascinating eye-candy.

Okay ... Optimally I would have found a bar first and tried to get laid for a place to stay ... even if it meant getting the hotel anyway. However, for the past several years this hasn't worked even at home and just seemed more unlikely if not more dangerous here. I settled for the hotel. Not that I will turn down any advances made to me today ... In fact I am hoping.

Well, I believe now I should take a shower and check out long before it becomes an issue. I have a long day ahead of me and so little with me. Most years at home I have transportation of my own ~ now I'm on foot. I carry a small bag of things (like a change of clothes ... maybe the gypsy cards or a walkman), this time I have only the clothes on my back, the contents of my pockets and this notebook. The only real resource I have is my wallet. The cash in the corner, the i.d. up front and one lonely ATM / check~ credit card. It got me the room, and the cash I carry. Mom should be "reloading" it today with my paycheck.  Can't use much of it ... still have to pay rent when I get home.

Shower, must get ready ... find food. I'm in the "town" area. I think I'll shop some.

Z

:1Ø:05 CST

I never did set my watch back for PST. I've just been subtracting the two hours difference. Check out time is noon and I'm trying to rush myself even though it's only 8am here. I just masturbate in the shower with a fantasy that a handsome Hispanic man was here for "House Cleaning" while I sat here naked writing.
Enough of that. I've found myself on the map. I think I'm ready to venture forth. You know ... It seems that if I had ventured just a bit further in I would have found a ton of gay resorts and hotels. One could say I let my fear and desire to please others get in the way of finding a "friendlier" place to stay last night.
Enough ... I'm tired of dwelling  on "what if" fantasies. I'm hungry and I'm going to check out now.

:11:2Ø

I hate maps. I just am not set up to read them. I have a sense of direction. I even reset the compass as I left the hotel. She told me which way north was ~ I checked it against my shadow. I head south into town in hopes I would soon hit a road on the map.
-Errrr- wrong.
By luck I found a mall I know from the time I was here before. Not quite the busy mall I remember ... allot like White Lakes back home. More empty shops then open ones.
Long ago I passed a Denny's. I should have stopped then but I didn't feel like Denny's. Now I'll settle for anyplace with water, but the food court in this mall seems to have vanished. At least now I have an idea of where I am. From here I think I can find the Movie theater. I remember Wild Wild West was playing. Maybe I'll see South Park again. Can't remember what else was there.
Almost time for meds. Still hungry. Thirsty now also. At least I'm not walking in the Sun now.
More later my friends.

:12:15

Finally found a place that is open and served more then just coffee. Einstein Bros. Bagels saved my day. Can't remember what they called it, but I had a pig in the blanket. I think the first I've had since it fell off the lunch menu in grade-school. It was great. So big I'm full and not sure if I'll be able to eat the is huge chocolate chip rice-krispy cake I bought. I did however about guzzle this Sprite. I'm about to buy some bottled water.
Then I just may sit here and write while watching the good looking men walk bye. So many of them.
Those two men ... are married. Identical rings on the left ring finger. They are both gorgeous. Inter-racial also, both still my type, Rrrow!
You know as much as I want to sit back and think about some serious stuff ... all I can think about are the porno possibilities at every turn.
-heh- I keep thinking about the line from the previews of "Detroit Rock City" with Edward Furlong.
"A woman walking alone on the highway, and you want to pick her up? Are you crazy!?! They make horror movies that start like that."
"Yeah man, but they make porno movies that start that way too!"

I never thought cold water could taste so good.
Local time is only 1Ø:3Ø now ... I doubt much is open yet. I think I remember a library earlier, but I can't remember how far back. I think it was more of a gallery then library anyway. Don't want to really shop because I don't want to carry it all day. I failed to find one thing that I wanted, so now I am on a quest. It seemed like such a simple request (dropped in "normal" conversation. Not a hint or a request. I just took it upon myself to try and fill it as a surprise), now that it appears that it isn't a simple request ... I will find it ... someday.

Finally ... saw previews for two more horror movies (that actually look good) coming soon. We have been in a real drought for scary films lately. But in addition to Haunting (I think that's what its called. With Liem Neison) the previews for "Sleepy Hollow" (a Tim Burton film with Johnny Depp) and another (whose Title I can't remember) with Bruce Willis about a little boy that can see "dead people" looks very good.

Wow, I have an attention span focused like a pin-point. I just looked up and noticed the "Welwood Murray Memorial Library" directly across the street. I guess I won't be back tracking much. Also ... Bagel Dogs, not pig in a blanket. Big poster above the counter to my left.
Is it any wonder I can't tell if someone is interested in me unless there hand is down my pants? Makes me wonder how many chances I may have passed up, or rather missed, just because I didn't notice a stare or a smile or a wink.
More "should have's" really.
You know ... Tom and I had a talk the other day about relationships. Balances, strengths and weaknesses, being happy by yourself first so you can share that happiness. Now I have to stop and think. I tell people all the time to be happy with themselves first. If you can't be alone, then you can't be with someone else. But now I wonder ... am I to happy by myself? Am I happy enough to never need anyone? Is that why I've been single so long? Completely unprepared to notice or return someone else's advances? Have I taken my own advice to far? Has the dessert heat just fried my brain pan?
Water to go, please.

:15:3Ø

Wild Wild West was good. Lots of fun. Going to take a bit of a break before going back in to see either the 'General's Daughter' or 'Big Daddy'.

Hmmmmmm, ... I kind of fucked up the tip of this pen trying to open this bottle of water. Good water ... pen still works ... I guess its all okay.

Sitting here next to a fountain and I realize how much I really love the sound of the water. The feel of the water. I've really loved having access to Mike and Tom's pool all week.
I also realize my lack of religiousness this week. Until just now, I haven't said a blessing to the water. I do remember a religious awe of sorts with the Windmill farms. And also the ride up the mountain side to the tram.
Air, Earth, Water, All I'm missing is fire, because the more I think about it my spirit has been replenished. Not only in the dreams, or the fantasies, but in the awe and the relaxation. In the waters reflextion. *Reflection - It boggles me how I spell without a computer*
Time to look at the map. I may be staying here for a few more hours but I want to know where to go ... Where I am.

:18:4Ø

Big Daddy was good. Moves kind of quick and glosses over a few points but its over all message is good.
It doesn't take long for that heat to take all your water. I guess I found the fire I've been missing. At Shakey's pizza now. I have about an hour to kill before heading back for one more movie. The General's Daughter. Then most of the heat should be gone. From there I'd only have about three more hours to kill before the ritual is over.
One brief scouting mission just before this I think has made a little sense of my map. I hope to be able to find Hunter's (a bar I've been to once already) and maybe check out the Gay-Mart (across the street).
Depending on how I feel ...
    pizza -
Depending on how I feel, I'll walk "home" or call and have Mike come and get me. I've done a lot of walking today.
Time to eat.

:19:ØØ

That's some good pizza. This is the first time I've over estimate my drink. Don't know what possessed me to get a glass of water and a pitcher of Pepsi.
Sitting here now watching the back of a very handsome man drink beer and watch NASCAR racing.
DAN ... well, I guess I'm done watching. He just got up and left so I was able to read his name tag. I think he was a mechanic. Oh, well. I should really concentrate on these last two pieces of pizza and a pitcher of Pepsi.
Actually ... this racing is pretty interesting.

Z
:19:3Ø

I don't know what made me think it would take me 3Ø minutes to get here. Now I have nearly an hour to kill in this theater.
Speaking of good Horror movies coming out. I forgot all about the Blair Witch Project until I saw the poster outside. I'm really looking forward to that one. The previews for Deep Blue Sea with Samuel Jackson looks really good also. Thought it looks more like an Action Thriller. We're missing allot of those also. I don't think people like to think for thrillers or mysteries anymore.
They say we only use 10% of our brain. It makes me wonder if only 1Ø% of us actually use our brains at all.
Something else I've noticed around here though ... no one smiles or says hello to people. I can't count how many people I've passed on the sidewalks today. I smiled to them all, said hello to many. Only the first guy in the dark smiled back. Only the guy at Einstein Bros. Bagel was as friendly as I was ... and he was that way to all of his   customers. Many I could tell where regulars (probably because of his friendly attitude) and they smile back and talked to him. The rest ... like New Yorkers, frowning in their own little storm clouds. Which is odd considering their isn't a cloud in the sky. It's not like New York where the buildings are so high you can't even see the sky. Yet even in a place as small as this (It's smaller then Topeka ... I'm sure of it. I've walked across the whole City today and doubt I could do that in Topeka) they still miss-trust each other to even smile at each other.
I've got one more bitch. What is it with Red Vines this far west? And don't tell me its the same thing as Twizzlers. It isn't. They taste like crap. It's like saying Shasta Cola is the same thing as Pepsi - RC or Coke. It's a very pale imitation. I tried snack size snickers at South Park but they are far from the perfect movie food. You have to peel each one, they aren't that quiet, you have a bag of trash when your done and they don't last very long. Rather then play around with the rest of the concessions I have forgone Pop and snacks at all of today's movies.
Okay, I'm done complaining.
I think I need to pee and get ready to watch this movie.

Z
:23:3Ø

The General's Daughter was really good. Ending came a bit out of now where, but still good. *Telling Brian about it he summed it up best - "Oh, You mean the ending was more Divine Revelation rather then good detective work."*
This is freaky. I'm in Hunter's on the Dance floor. Under a black light with flashing colors. This page and most of my clothes are glowing strange colors (and not the same one consistently).
Went shopping at the Gay-mart. Got a calendar for me and a Thank You card for Mike and Tom. Nice crowd here tonight (though not much of it on the Dance floor). Going to try and mingle a bit and drink my soda. Need to take my meds in a few minutes. It cooled off considerably so I think I may go ahead and walk back.
... Maybe depends on how much I dance or if I find a ride ;)

9907.02:02:ØØ CST

I'm back. Would have been back sooner but I was having a good time dancing at Hunter's, and watching Stephan's hands (the Bar back - he was in his underwear, but it was his graceful hands that caught my attention).
Well, it's official - one huge blister a piece. Each on the joint of the big toe. Maybe one developing on the right heel. Don't care really, it was worth it.
So much I want to do, but I'm so tired. It's time to sleep now.

:15:1Ø

*Card Graph*
18>DOG (ML) help of friends support
5Ø^BREAD (M) having received give back.
6>  APPLE (I) pleasant unXpct (present)

?What's waiting for me at home?
LC
32> MOON patience gets goal / happy uneventful life
8 ^ HEARSE escape danger in time / Ø
38> LADY helping hand not given in friendship but from love / soft hand of support
15^BEAR don't have faith in all advice / w/ caution happyness yoUrs
"Not much new there."
We plan on going out tonight. I hear from Mike that Stephan (the bar back from the other night) is attracted to Goths. I have to wear boots tonight or my feet will not forgive me. Thus I think the plastic pants are in order. Maybe I'll just wear the vest and no shirt (though I don't want to scare the locals with glow in the dark pale skin with hair ~ Two things people out here seem unaccustomed to). Who knows what will happen tonight.
I bought containers for Rocks and Sand and weather. I guess I'll go collect those now and clean up a little so I don't have to spend the day packing tomorrow.

9907.03:00:15 CST

Getting ready to go out for my last night on the town. Finally got some web cam pics up on Mikes page. These are the two I saved and sent to me at home.

We went up to the top of the tram today. Extremely beautiful up there. Took some pictures ... hope they turn out. Made me think I went to Denver for a moment.
The Wizard smiled with a wink and spread his arms to the sky. "I offer you all that Griffins do ... and more." from the mountain top the King viewed the dessert sands and nod with a smile of his own. then with a wink he said "We'll see."
Finally collect both rocks and sand ... and weather. I've packed most of my stuff.
Oh, ... Mike's going to wear his leather tonight also. This could be fun.
Had a bout of diarrhea just now. I think the Mexican beans I had earlier didn't settle. Took and Imodium just to be safe.
Reminder to write about the mountain top.
I think we are off to Hunters then CC Construction.

9907.03:04:2Ø

Really good crowds out tonight. At Hunter's, Stephan talked to me (again) but at greater length. He even invited me back. Some guy named John kind of hit on me hard. Even harder when he found out I was friends with Mike. seems he and Mike fooled around several years ago and he's been looking for a way to do it again since. I really was annoyed at his blatant forwardness (and he had this thing about nibbling my neck - actually biting it.
"Whoa, down boy." I said after the second one. "don't leave any marks. I still have to go home presentable to mama.") and his passes at Mike who was obviously uninterested as well. I went ahead and played the heavy asking to go to CC's so we could leave. On our way out is when I took the time to grab Stephan to say thanks and he invited me back.
Hunters dance floor was great.
CC Constructions was really hopping. Except for a drink I danced near non-stop for two hours. I took some time out to cruise. I was telling Mike thought ... It seemed that every time someone was cruising me ~ they would turn and dance all over someone else. I still had a blast.
Dave however will call me pathetic. after all, I can't even get laid in California. Thing is, I'm the one that stopped me. I still know I want more then just sex. It would have been really nice ... but I want more. I also want it one to one. I was actually offered two, three-ways. I've done that before, it just isn't for me anymore. Not unless its well choreographed and the cameras are rolling with $ in my eyes ( ... forget I said that. Old gnawing fantasy of mine to do porno.)
flashing lights and loud music moving glistening bodies in the night. time to sleep while my brain can still use the images.
Goodnight ... all. Especially the friendly tall blonde. ;)

:14:ØØ CST
Finished packing ...
Z
Just got an e-mail from Devin & Rodger ... accept it came from my e-mail address (hope I don't have to kick butt when I get home).
I guess Bil is there, Devin and Rodger will be away at Gaea for the 4^th. I hope Brian still knows to pick me up.
All pointless worries now.
Just finished my Thank You letter (that I'll leave on the bed for them to find).
Picture of a near naked man lying in bed with whip cream on his chest. Caption reads "You where a Wonderful Host" Inside it says "You always use your finest China"
then I wrote;

Mike and Tom -
Thank you both so much for having
Me down for a week (especially on such short
notice). Twice the Thank you for making
me feel so much at Home an comfortable
enough to do anything.
Thank you both for your support and
acceptance of my eccentric Birthday Celebration.
You have been exceptionally kind and
I am lucky to have had you as hosts
and even luckier to count you as friends.
I hope one day I can return the favor
even if it is only for a day (or a year ... you
never know ;))
They say you should always be hospitable
because your guest could be a god in disguise.
My ego isn't that big, but I hope the gods shine
favor down on your home for a long time
to come, because you made me feel like I
was one.
Thanks again.
Peace, Love and Happiness (signed)

Okay, maybe it seems a bit over the top ... but I mean every word of it. All things considered Mike and I haven't seen each other in about three years and tom has never met me. They both put up with a lot from me, and still made me feel ... more then at home.

Okay one last house run to make sure I'm not leaving anything behind. Leaving for the Airport in about an hour.

:16:3Ø

I am now sitting on a delayed but earlier flight then I was scheduled to be on. 4th of July weekend is delaying everything they say. at least I should still make it to LAX on time for a flight that is probably delayed.
I am finally within eye-shot of a good looking man. Only 4 of us on this flight.
My primary goal in the next two flights is to get a picture of the ocean. The last "bring me back" request.
Oh-yeah! Take-off
Ju^st an bit bumpy tl^oughe

:17:25

After crossing the entire airport I'm at what I think is my gate ... but there is no one here to find out ... not even a sign to say when someone will be here. I'm assuming I'm at the right place because the gate number matches the flight number, time and destination I have on my itinerary. I just have to wait for an attendant to check my ID and issue my ticket.
If I calculate local time correctly I have an hour and 1Ø minutes to take-off (it still says "no-time").
Didn't fly into the airport over the ocean. I hope I fly out over it or I'll miss any chance for a picture of the ocean. Maybe I should have taken a picture of that street puddle in front of Mike and Tom's. In the dessert that is all the ocean you get.
I still love Airports ... parade of Humanity.
Really going to regret having to shave off this goatee.
Wonder how bad e-mail is going to be.
Entering this will be bad *no duh - I'm still not done a week later* ... It's a 70 page notebook and I think I've used a third of it. ... and here I just keep writing.
Starting to wonder if Bil will be there ... or if Bil is there. Hard to explain ...
Ticket agents ... I think.

:18:45

14-1Ø-8 wow 22 audio stations and TV directly in front of me. Mike would love this ... he is a gadget freak (Did I mention their new car has the GPS map system in it? Played with it all week).
This is cool ... I got to go and play ... and wait to see if we get to go over the ocean.

Z

Success on the ocean pictures ... the last three ... or was it four pictures on the roll. I wish I hadn't run out of film though. I missed what I think would have been two great shots.
"Eclectic Contemporary rock" (why not just say alternative?) took a down turn after playing Cake. so I'm going to try and watch the "Out of Towners" if they stop interrupting it.

ZZ
:20:45

Just landed.
Watching the clouds drift over head, reflected on the wings of the plane as it banks to reveal the country side and the setting sun ... is wonderful. Awe inspiring and thought provoking.
Starting to unload.
Z
Sitting in the Denver airport by the right gate (I think ... same situation as before.) and thinking. Thinking random thoughts.
I wonder how Griffin is.
Remembering the mountains in Palm Springs.
Wondering if I remembered everyone's gifts.
Feeling a little bad for bringing back so little for some (Like Brian ... he requested weather. I have a container that was opened and then sealed in the dessert sun. its just a container really ... I didn't see anything else I thought he would like). and nothing for those I thought about but requested nothing ... or found anything for.
Starting to wonder about work. (not looking forward to shaving off my goatee).
Wondering about Bil. Trying not to think about Bil. Not the way you might think ... but just that all my thoughts and concerns are groundless until the situation presents itself. Kind of like knowing there are 18 possible situations behind a door, 6 ways to react to each, all leading to infinite possibilities. It doesn't do any good to think about it until you open the door. You're just wasting the time on this side of the door . . ..
Did I just make a life and death analogy?

Thinking about everything I have to do when I get home. (E-mail, develop film, get work schedule, make friends with Doctor again, put this on the computer, E-mail Mike so he knows I got here, what else? turn the stove off ... now I'm being ridiculous).
...
God the sky is beautiful. Sun hasn't quite set yet. The sky is blue and the clouds are a dark navy, some with rose colored tops and outlines.
"Honey look. Isn't it beautiful?"
"Babe, I can't see anything, the Sun is in my eyes."
"That's what I love about you, Honey. You all ways see the bright side of things."
Comedy? Sarcasm? Honesty?
it will be so good to be home.
-heh- Just heard the attendant tell a man he could have his own row on the plane. In fact everyone could. *He thought she was joking* Its a 737 with 28 people booked on it. Traffic home has been quite light. I guess I still have a knack for being where no one else wants to be.

I'm going to continue swinging my head from side to side. window - sky getting darker with the sunset. Airport parade of people ... Whoa! good looking people.
Wonder what Elric is up to?

:22:3Ø

In the air about to be served beverages. I don't really have much to say other then this will be that last time from this book. By the time I land I'll be met by Brian and going home. .. where I have hundreds of things waiting for me to do ... and access to the computer.
I'll have to make a few Choices on how to put this up on the web. Finish off the last month and begin the next ... a vacation page maybe *ding!* (there is a lot here after all). I'll think about it later.
Maybe I should spend this flight proof-reading this ... maybe not. why drudge up thoughts from a week ago that will hit me hard enough once I'm home.
How'd that line from the Out-of-Towners go?
This is life. this is living. I want to suck the marrow out of the bones of life. Don't you?
Life is always interesting. I just want to putter around the house and read. This how I suck.

I think this pen has had it.