Recent Journal Entries

© 1999 May (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

9905.02

Briefly, because I have company coming over in a moment.
Work has been polarized over the firing (indefinite suspension) of our assistant manager over charges of sexual harassment. I don't have all (if any) of the facts, but I'm leaning to the idea that the girl 'cried wolf' because she didn't like him and was backed by two others that have made it know they would love to see him gone long before this happened.
Friday I noticed some red dots on my feet. I wasn't worried about them. Saturday I woke up covered in them. I began to itch a little at work, but ran home for some Benadryl. That stuff makes me very sleepy. So far I have yet to be very uncomfortable from it - just embarrassed. I look like I have chicken pocks or something.
I have no explanation for it. I'm not on anything. I haven't eaten anything unusual. Some seem to believe this is the Trovan leaving my system - but that was over four days ago. Since it happened on Saturday I haven't been able to get a hold of the Doctor yet (it isn't life threatening so I'm not going to bother him until Monday's regular business hours).
Last night, I went and observed a LARP (Live Action Role Playing game). Leah had invited me, and Devin had played them before and they sounded like fun. They look fun also. Met some new and interesting people. Many of them may be at the Candlelight Memorial tonight (you actually gain points in the game for things you do during real life. Thus they will be gaining points, by doing something worthwhile in the community). The only thing that stops me at this moment from joining is the amount of time it seems to consume. I just don't have a lot of it to spare. I may actually have to try some actual play and see just how far I get sucked in.
Now that I have this rash I'm even more nervous about tonight. I don't think that from a distance you will be able to tell, and I have yet to have anyone say - "Ewh! What's wrong with your skin?" so maybe it doesn't really look that bad, but it definitely makes me self conscience.
I already have candles lit for tonight in my home. Two red candles for all that have died from AIDS. Two white candles for all that are Living with HIV/AIDS. One blue candle for free speech.
Okay, Jen has arrived - we are going to see a movie this afternoon (just for the hell of it). She's gone over to my Mom's to visit while I tie this up - so I have to tie this up.
I don't know if I'll be back tonight or finish this up or tomorrow (probably tomorrow). I'll try to remember all the details and I'll reprint my speech. Jason convinced me not to rewrite it, but instead to ad lib it if I really felt it was necessary. I'm not good at ad lib - I think he knows that - so I haven't really rewritten my speech. It's cloudy right now. I hope it clears up some. I just don't want it to rain.

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9905.02:17:00

Jen and I went to see 'Idle Hands' ... not the best thing I've ever seen. One really cute guy in it though. I think his name was Nick Noseworthy. I'm going to have to try and look up more about him - I've seen him in something else.
Anyway, just before - we were down at my Mom's house.
"Are you still broken out?"
"Yes."
"Oh, you look terrible! It's all over your face!"
"Thanks mom. Lets not try to make me feel any more self conscious."
"Well, should we be at the hospital getting you a shot in the butt?" Jen just starts laughing.
"No!"
"Well, that's what they do for shingles."
"It's bot shingles! It's jist a lot ol little red dots."
"What? Oh, great you can't even talk now. This going to be good tonight."
"Thanks again mom!"
"Jen, just look at him get mad at me."
"I'm not mad. ... Just annoyed." My mom laughed. I looked over to Jen.
"She just loves to push my buttons. She installed them all so she knows just where they are."
"And don't you forget it." I gave her a kiss and Jen and I went to the movie.
Family, you just got to love them.
I think I need another Benadryl. I'm starting to itch again. I just don't want to fall asleep now.
Still cloudy - just a bit windy. No rain - no rain - I just don't want rain.
I've got to do something else and get my mind off of all this for one more hour. Then I'll go and get Leah and go to the Memorial.

9905.03

We arrived to the bright neon signs held by the Phelps clan. Once again, head up, with no fear, I walked through them into the Amphitheater with my black clad friends trailing only slightly behind me. It was it's own little victory. Those signs are at every event - they are how you know you are in the right place. In a way, it's almost a good thing. It lets you know that the hate is out there - that there are people on the other side of the hate that will love you, just for being there. And the ease in which you can walk through them only proves that strength of will brings you to love over hate in an instant.
I checked in with the coordinators and was asked if I wouldn't mind a quick interview for TV channel 13. Almost directly after that I was approached by the Topeka Capital Journal. I was glad there was coverage of the event. I was even more pleased today to have people tell me they saw me on TV and ask me how the event went.
I met with old friends, new friends and family of all varieties. The time grew near to start. The clan yelled out,
"BORING!" and packed up there signs and left. My only thought was, Boring? We haven't even started yet.
Okay, lets just say that the Ceremony was beautiful. Even with so many things planed that didn't materialize it kept its pace and planing. But I kept watching the program and the closer it got to be for me to speak, the more dry my mouth became. Just breath. Concentrate on the others.
"I will Remember you" was sung just before I was introduced. It was beautiful. I was almost a bit choked up. I kept wondering how I would be able to speak. Then I was introduced.
I got up there, and I looked at the crowd. About the same size as last year. Really good turn out. I put my speech on the podium and I swear my mouth had been glued together by cotton mouth. Then I read my speech.

 

Hello, My name is Bret Turner. I’m not really anyone special. I wake up every morning and I go to work. I come home and play on my computer then I go to bed and I start the cycle all over again. The reason I’m here tonight is because I also happen to be HIV Positive, for about five years now. What I consider playing on my computer is maintaining a web site dedicated to showing a life with HIV and educating as many as I can reach about this virus. This even lead to my sharing personal experiences with several groups learning about HIV and AIDS. I’ve never really considered myself a speaker - just willing to speak. When I was asked to do this I didn’t know what I would say. I had so many free floating ideas and I didn’t know how to put them in order. Then I heard this years Theme for the Candlelight Memorial.

That theme is "Building global solidarity against injustice and fear for a world without AIDS". It’s actually quite a mouthful. At first, it could be hard to understand. When I began to break it down, it put my thoughts in order.
Building Global Solidarity - it’s a tall order, but it has to be done. AIDS is a global epidemic. It discriminates against no one. It doesn’t single out any one age, race, religion, conviction, sex or sexual preference. Despite what the drug companies seem to believe it doesn’t care how much money you have either.
For the first time humankind is faced with a single common enemy - but it’s one we can’t see. That would be the very reason it is so important that we stick together and unify our efforts. However, it’s difficult to gather support against an unseen enemy. What’s more, we have actually come a long way in the fight. The battle with AIDS has had to change tactics a bit. We aren’t dying from it as much as we are living with it. New drugs and therapies have increased the quality and quantity of life in the infected. We are living longer and healthier lives. It’s enough to lull many into a sense that we have found a cure. Those of us with the virus know better. We live every day knowing that the drugs aren’t perfect - some with terrible side effects and there is still no cure. However, many think as long as we are living with it, it’s okay. What could be more unjust?

Injustice is seen all the time in the AIDS community. Not only the injustice of having someone held dear taken from us before their time - but many kinds that the living must endure. Discrimination, Ignorance, Solitude, Depression, and Insensitivity. When you have the virus it hurts when people talk about the new drugs and then say that HIV is now as manageable as diabetes. I wish it where. More so, I wish they believed it. Then I could sniffle, sneeze or cough and have people wish me well rather then silently wonder if this is the beginning of the end. We shouldn’t be penalized for having learned to live longer and fight better. We are still fighting and we need the support. Fortunately there are agencies to help with support and all of these problems - if they have been able to successfully fight for the meager portions of money out there to fund them. Many think the enemy is financial, but it isn’t. When you can’t see the enemy you chose a target you can. You treat the symptoms rather then the cause. The enemy is a virus. An invisible virus that has a lot of people afraid.
Fear and ignorance go hand in hand. What we don’t know or understand we naturally Fear. Education about the virus can go a long way to end much of the fear and all of the ignorance. But even the most educated can still fear what they know. AIDS doesn’t have a cure. In the twenty years we’ve known about this virus the fear has permeate our society so deeply many don’t even realize it controls their actions. Talking to someone once about the effect of AIDS on everyone’s life. He said to me,
"But I don’t even know anyone with AIDS or HIV." To which I replied,
"You know me." Then of course he had to blow my argument out of the water by pointing out that he only just met me about 15 minutes ago and I didn’t count as an effect in his life. So then I asked if he new what safe sex was. He did. I asked if he knew what to do if he became infected. He didn’t. His reply was that he wouldn’t become infected. I had to point out that as educated as he was, he was still running scared from something he couldn’t see. That he let his fear blind him from more education or even to join the fight against what he feared.

Building Global Solidarity against injustice and fear for a world without AIDS. It’s a nice thought. I could really go for that world with out AIDS. But how do we do it? There has been a saying around for some time now that I think sums it up. Silence equals Death. John Ruskin once said "At every moment of our lives we should be trying to find out, not what we differ with other people, but in what we agree with them." What if we got the world to agree that it has been effected by HIV and AIDS? What if we did that by telling our stories to each other? What if we found out that they have stories to relate back to us? What if enough people talked about it that no one would be ashamed to admit they knew someone that died from AIDS? Or that they had AIDS or HIV? Or simply was effected by it? And they began to shared their stories as well? What if in telling our stories we educate the ignorant and laid to rest a great deal of fear? What if we found out the whole world is actually one large support group with similar stories and feelings of anguish, anger and action?
Lets put away What if and put an end to the silence. There is a theory that everyone in the world is linked to everyone else by six people. So in effect, by telling your story to one person - it could be passed on to another and another and so on until a farmer on the other side of the world or the President has heard it. It may hit a chord of sympathy and agreement that resonates until the whole world has heard it. No story is insignificant. It can be heard and understood by all.

We are here tonight to remember those that have fallen in the battle with AIDS. I ask you to cherish these memories and honor the people that have fallen in the fight with your respect, and your desire to make sure their fight was not in vain. I think they would want us to remember life. Not only theirs, but ours. Use these memories as fuel to continue the fight, not only for them - but for everyone that has been affected by AIDS - including yourself. Join together with everyone and fight. You don’t have to become a volunteer or attend every rally or support every cause within this larger issue - but it helps. If you do only one thing, all I ask is that you don’t remain silent. AIDS isn’t a dirty four letter word to be spoken in whispers. Come out of the HIV and AIDS closet. Speak up. Don’t apologize for your life. Don’t change the way you live your life. Just share it. The good days as well as the bad. Let people know what you deal with and what you’ve learned. Let people know that AIDS has not gone away and it still effects your life as well as the lives of others. Don’t live with AIDS and HIV like a secret. Don’t let it make you feel shame or doubt. Don’t let it make you feel that you are anything other then a living person that has been effected by AIDS. …Then tell everyone about it. That would be a good start.         Thank You.

I looked up to the applause and nearly ran back to my seat. I sat down next to Devin. I held out my hand and watched it shake. Devin put his arm around me and gave me a hug and said,
"You did a great job." Finally I inhaled and things seemed to become normal again. I realized my part was over now. I then listened as the reading of the names began. I sneaked over to get a candle (In the rush I had forgotten to get one). I came back and lit my candle from the couple behind me (they lit the Memorial candle), Devin lit his from mine, and so on down the line.
When the reading of the names finished Annette Billings read an original poem. It was fantastic. She kept combining the names of those abused by hate (like Mathew Shepherd) and her own name. As if to say that the name was as important as it was unimportant - they are all of us. And she add that every time it happens - we come back. Love will win out.
What was the best part of the Memorial? The Master of Ceremonies said good night - and no one moved. Everyone sat in silence and began to hold their candles up to the sky. Someone started humming - and soon it carried throughout the crowd. Then some began to sing. It was a hymn that I didn't know, but it was beautiful. Let the Love begin with me, was part of the chorus.
This was not planned. This came from the audience. The unity of action was amazing. It touched me more then any other part of the ceremony.
Afterward there where a lot of hugs, some tears, and a lot of love. My mother grabbed hold of me tighter then I've felt from her in a long time. She cried into my chest and said she was so proud of me - that she wished she could love me more then she already did. I kissed her and said I didn't think that was possible. She then thanked Brian (T) who she said held her and kept her calm during the ceremony.
"If not for him," she said, "You definitely would have heard me crying."
Then I was approached by my Father. Apologizing profusely for what I felt was no reason. I then learned that he showed up late (it was an accident) and even missed my speech. It didn't matter to me then ... what mattered was that he was there now. He read my speech while I talked to my friends about what to do next. We decided on Dinner first since X-Files had already begun. My father congratulate me on my speech and Apologized again. Really it was okay.
We went to my car. I then pried my hand open from all the wax that dripped through the paper guard. We filled one half of the diner. Total of 11 of us that ate until 10pm and then congregate at my house for X-Files. Talking until almost 1am. It was such a great night.

Despite this stupid rash. Called the Doctor from work. They asked me to come in a have it looked at. I just came back from there (I do mean just. I left in the middle of that last paragraph).
Well, they agree with me - it's a bit of a mind bender. Drug reaction to the Trovan is the only thing that fits, but it still doesn't really. Should have happened sooner - shouldn't have lasted this long. I have also been told not to start my new drugs. They want this to clear up completely first. I'm to call if it gets any worse. I'm to call if I still have it on Monday. So, until then, I remain speckeledly yours.

9905.04

Rash is better but not gone. No itch though.
Mom joined Jen, Pat and I for the movie tonight - at her request we didn't go to the 50¢ movie - we went to see 'Shakespeare in Love'. Awesome film. I didn't realize that Tom Stoppard helped to write it (same guy that did 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead' my all time favorite film/play).

I actually set down to write though, because the 'Hellmouth' series continues.
http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=99/05/03/0518209
I kind of don't like making links to other places on the web in this journal - so realize that when I do I really do think it's important. I have no idea how long these links will remain current (it is after all an on-line news magazine). I hope you get the chance to read them.
This one at least has begun to show the positive feed back from the tragedy. I'm always amazed when this happens. Very glad, but amazed. How tragedies like this or even the beating of Mathew Shepherd can have benefits.
My Brother was telling me he heard of a story in Tennessee about kids that had gotten tired of the 'Hellmouth' syndrome and are now signing and carrying cards that vow they will not pick on or ostracize anyone just because they are different then they are. This was invented by students - and it caught on like wildfire.
I still remember in High School the debates I used to get into about how and when to stand up for myself with Marc and Brian. I was of the Gandhi school of thought. It didn't matter how much or how often I was beaten - I won if I didn't raise a fist and still said I was right. Marc and Brian still believed there was (and is) a point when you must raise your fist and say you are right by defending your position. Though I still haven't found that need yet - Both our views have shifted a bit more toward each others.
It pleases me to know that kids have begun to stand up for themselves. We've seen the tragedy of the wrong way - in the 'Hellmouth' series we can see the light of the right way. I still dream of a day when Diversity is actually celebrated. We've been talking about it long enough - isn't it time we start listening to ourselves?
Maybe the collective consciousness of the Net is seeing the potential of Gandhi's non-violence and Martin Luther King's dream through the power of communication. This is the thought I want to take with me into the next Millenium.

9905.06

I have yet to decide if these events are funny, sad or just ironic.

"What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing."
"What happened?"
"Nothing."
"Is that what has you upset?"
"I am just in the mood to brood, leave me alone."
"No, what's wrong?"
"I hope to much. Now leave me alone."

"I saw a lawyer."
"I saw one too. In the light they are kind of scary."

I had a dream. He looked like someone - I won't say who - because it wasn't really him. We were loading things into my car. It was parked on the street of a large city. As we load my things into the car I kept rambling about things for him to do. Remember to feed the cat, water the plants, pay the bills, etc. etc. etc. He just smiled and nod saying 'Yes, Dear.' every once in a while.
"Is that everything?" I asked and he nod. "I think that's everything." I said. I just looked at his smirking face with is handsome angular features. Then I just grabbed the back of his head and kissed him. He was completely surprised. A car drove by and honked yelling 'Fags!'. I let go of his head and he just stood there in shock. "God, I love you so much it hurts." I said and got in the car.
The alarm went off.

"Wait a minute! He's Gay!?!"
"Yes. You knew that didn't you?"
"NO!"
"How long have you known him? I never mentioned this to you? Are you sure?"
"Yes! I had no idea. I kept wondering why he hung around you guys."
"Wait a minute ... you hang around us. You trying to tell me something?"
"No, that's not what I meant. I just mean ... Really? He's gay?"
"Yes."

Seem to be making new records in rejection. Every time I think I have a chance, I end up being happy for someone else.

I'm going to make Vindaloo tonight (Beef this time) and try to get all my other odd projects done. I won't succeed, but I'll try. Time to hit some chocolate now. .... If I keep this up maybe I'll have a chance with the otter one.
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:23:40

He just kept driving by. I started to wave. He started to wave back. I kept thinking he should stop and talk.
I had added a new prayer to my walk. I changed it tonight. It was 'Embrace me mother night. Protect me from harm and show me your bounties if you feel I'm worthy.' Tonight I changed it to 'Share your bounties' because I was tired of just seeing them.
Finally the last 10 minutes of the park were here. I approached the circle pond for my last blessing. He stopped. After a few minutes, he even followed me in. He was even better looking standing in front of me then he was driving by so many times. I said hello and introduced myself. We started small talk. I just kept hoping. Maybe this time would be it.
"So what do you like to do?" he asked. ... I turned it around on him. He called me evasive. We both  had a discussion about how we hate that phrase - because it really means 'What do you want to do sexually - now?' he actually copped a feel during the talk. (I'm still hard thinking about it. My first physical / sexual contact in a long time)
I can't remember how I got there, but finally I said,
"I gave up the one night stand stuff a while ago. It's kind of hard to get away with it with a clear conscience when you're HIV positive." Here's where it all hinged. His response was the determining factor. And it was hard to read -
"That was very ... responsible ... of you to say." he said after a small silence. I smiled and said thanks. I didn't know what else to say. "Not many would have said anything." he said.
"Hell, last week I gave a speech about it right over there." I said.
"I wasn't there." he replied.
"It was actually on TV even. Just about everyone knows about me now." Small talk continued, but it boiled down to him saying "I have to go home now." ... he stuck out his hand - I gave him a hug. It was more for me then anything. He didn't shy away from it - but I think he was uncomfortable with it.

I really hope I see him again. I enjoyed the 20 minutes we talked. I drove out of the park ... late, just wondering what really happened. Did he just want one night? Is he considering weather or not to ever talk to me again - or even go out there again? Was there a chance there that I really messed up?

What joy I just had. 20 minutes of it in a day of brooding. Now I'm right back where I was.

Hoping to much.

Got the Vindaloo made. I'm out of Ginger, Garlic and Vinegar now.

9905.10

Wow, it's been so long, and I don't have a lot of time - so just the basics.

Devin, his boyfriend, Dan and I played cards on Saturday (nite or Sunday morning depending on how you look at it) and I was kicked around so bad I don't even want to talk about it. I never had positive points. I lost with a negative 170 points - Devin won. I still had one of the best times.

I finally got the revisions on the Front Gate done. Couple of problems that Griffin is helping me work out. Should be done by tomorrow. But I've also made and now discovered a lot of link rot. I'm going to be busy with that for a few days I'm sure.

All planing to go and see the Mummy maybe on Wednesday. Only 9 days to Star Wars now.

At dinner tonight I was ruthlessly and less then subtly watching a guy from afar. He was incredibly gorgeous (in my opinion). Some one else mentioned that I should learn to be a bit more subtle. I said the same thing I said before.
"Subtly hasn't gotten me shit in the last 5 years. I don't care." The joke continued to what I think they thought was a disturbing conclusion. They said that a lack of subtly could get me beaten. To which I replied - "Still more contact then I've had in a long time. I don't care."

What else? .... I think that covers it.

9905.11

A lot of free floating ... stuff in my mood right now. Feeling very unmotivated to do much more then mope. All of it because I feel I have been denied every chance with the people that I want ... or wish ... or whatever.
"That was very ... responsible ... of you to tell me. I have to go home now."
"He said that? My god, some people can be so insensitive. Haven't they heard of safe sex?"
And my brain just burns at the pity and irony of the statement from it's source. Denied from every advance, yet drawn like a moth to a flame.
We sit, we talk, and I just watch. I'm barely paying attention to the conversation because I'm just watching ... and not liking the thoughts I'm having. Because they can't happen. They never will. Entertaining the idea is only painful and pointless. Yet, I sit and watch.
I missed a social function. It started so early, and I had been up so late. I told them that I couldn't come. I intended to be very asleep. I ran into her going into the dentist office today. She told me that I was missed. They wanted me there so they could give me a volunteer recognition award. I'm so flattered, even though it was so unnecessary. Really, TAP shouldn't be thanking me - I should be thanking them for the opportunities they give me to reach others, to talk about it. I owe them. Yet afterward I was actually thinking ... maybe I would have met someone there. Someone that understands HIV/AIDS and the desire to do something about it. Maybe they would have been impressed with the award.
I'm so ashamed that I can turn any thought into one about how lonely I am and how I'm being denied the chance to find ... happiness. I can be happy alone. I know that. Why do I keep wanting to share that happiness? Why can't I be selfish enough to want to keep it all to myself?
I just want to be able to have sex again! Just a blow job even - something. Anything intimate. It's been so long I'm not sure I know how to do it any more. Am I just watching porno to remind myself what I'm supposed to do when it finally happens?
On my walk tonight a truck drove by and yelled, "Condom!" and then threw a red wrapped Trojan out the window. I actually picked it up. I wished they (there was more then one person in the truck) would come back and offer to show me how it should be used. I did have four more on me if we didn't get it right the first time.
Now I have five lottery tickets in my pocket - none of them winners evidently.
I went to the dentist today. They called to remind me of the appointment - I had no idea. I never wrote anything down. This one was to fill my first cavities. 32 years old, finally got not a cavity, but two of them. I laid back, with no idea what they were going to do, and closed my eyes. I nearly fell asleep. Lots of funny noises. The first drill sounded like race cars to me. I imagined them racing by me and I just cheered them on. The other one ... it was so high pitched ... I almost laughed ... it sounded like little fairies to me - or even a clown whistle. I just tired not to laugh. Honestly I can't feel a difference in my teeth. I can't even see the fillings. On the back of the wisdom teeth (uppers). If I didn't know better I say I went in there and they just made some weird noises to make me think they did something.
I guess this won't ruin my sex life ... like I even had one to ruin, but the joke is still funny.
Did I mention it was raining as I walked tonight? It was. A nice light sprinkle - felt really nice. I liked watching the lights sparkle and spider web out like a warp field in the wet concrete and asphalt.
:) Listening to the radio now and "Fat Tire Beer Festival" just sounded like "Vampire Cheer Festival".
Between the dentist and the Movie I didn't get much sleep. Ed TV was worth going though. I liked it. Almost the same thing I've told others - every life is special, try watching your own.
Maybe I should just masturbate and go to bed. Not motivated to do much else.
Should continue to clean out my link rot. Find a place for the other new links I like ... like the dreams of JCL. Get Devin's page added. Revise the Safe Sex page with all the prevention and risk assessment stuff I want  to put on it. Finish putting  the Dark past up. So much to do.
Didn't start my new drugs today like I planed. Dentist. Didn't want to complicate things. I'll start them tomorrow. The Pharmacist didn't give me anything about the Ziagen - maybe I'll pick something up about that tomorrow and start after I've read that. ... Why am I putting it off? Am I putting it off?

To tired, to lonely, to give a fuck. Going to check e-mail, play FreeCell and go to bed.

9905.14

Doesn't seem like it's been this long.
The Mummy was an awesome film. Funny as well as scary.
Everyone then came over to watch Dee Sniders 'Strangeland'. It had a lot of potential. In the long run it was played very flat and was very predictable. I have some moral problems with the characters. The hero wasn't - the villain wasn't. It was in effect a pathetic (instead of a psychotic) psychology versus a cop out for revenge rather then justice. Btw' it was so predictable that many of the people thought I had already seen it.

I just took my new meds. for the first time. (I do mean just - I finished that last sentence and realized it was after midnight and took them.) I've read up on my ZIAGEN (abacavir sulfate tablets) and am confident that I can spot the fatal hypersensitive symptoms.

I actually sat down to write because I'm about to send an e-mail that verges on ... interfering with someone else's life. It's a one time "I've put in my two cents worth." kind of letter. I guess it really isn't that much unlike me. The major bend of the letter is that I can't stand idly by while someone throws away an opportunity that I want. Yeah, it's a love related issue.
I basically told them that Fear is normal. You become afraid that you are going to be hurt. Problem is that fear is the marker of 'To late', because you are now in deep enough that you will be hurt regardless. To think a relationship won't work because you are afraid it won't, only means that you are going to destroy it yourself thinking it will hurt less. It won't hurt less. In fact you get to carry the blame for tearing it apart.

Back to my fear and what I was telling you at Taco Bell. I hate to see people fuck up the chances they get, especially when I watch them get the chances I want. I don't care if you and (they) last the next ten minutes, ten months, ten years, or ten decades. You have nothing to fear but pain (and I'm reminded of a line from the Princess Bride "Love is pain, highness. Live with it.") and as I said above, the fact that you feel the fear means it's to late anyway - you mess this up you have the pain anyway (and all the blame). You should be enjoying the fact that you have this kind of love around you - period.
My fear - you are at a spot in your path where you can take the next few steps based on doubt and fear (two of the most insidious emotions mankind has) or with Love and Faith. Do not stumble - walk with Pride and Courage. If you fear the rocks you can't climb a mountain. Trust me - the view is worth the climb.
I realize much of what I have said is easier said then done. But I know you can (even if you don't think you can). Remember that you have friends that are always willing to listen and help. Remember that communication is the key to solving any problem (and I mean by this Talk to (them). Let them know what you feel even if you think it hurts. They can't deal with it or recognize it, if you don't tell them about it - chances are they're feeling many of the same things).

Okay - I'm done now. The path is yours and the fates have there hands open. I have a clear conscience.

Merry Met, Merry Be, Merry Part. Blessed Be.

That's the end of the letter. With some very minor edits to protect who it's about. By the way I want you to notice that I took great pains to edit out any sex in this letter. You don't know if I was talking to a boy or a girl about a boy or a girl. Want to know why I did that? Not to protect identities - Because I have seen and done this often enough to realize that it will happen in a relationship of any kind. It is just as wrong in every case.

Time to tackle a few other problems. Like breakfast.

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:13:00

It just makes me wonder.
I'm unloading a truckload of Pepsi. It has Star Wars Episode 1 advertising. I wondered out loud,
"I wonder if we will get to see Yoda fight with a light saber?" then I heard to my amazement,
"Who's Yoda?"
He was serious. 25 years old and he has never seen any of the Star Wars movies. I was amazed. It is such an icon of American society I thought everyone had at least seen 1 of the three films. Not this guy. Said he never even had an interest to see them.
As I was leaving, I went up to my boss and I told him I had finally met an honest to God mutant. I thought society had wiped them all out, but I met one. I relate the above story only to hear,
"Either have I." Oh, my gods. I've been working for a mutant all these years. I told him I couldn't believe it. Star Wars was like Sports. It was the only level playing field that anyone could be on. If you had nothing in common with a guy you could always sit down and talk about Star Wars.
I felt kind of bad that I had kind of insulted my boss - after all I called him a mutant - until about five minutes later. I went to clock out and the Blonde was up there crying. I have worked with her for years and never seen her this upset. My boss changed her hours. One might think this is no big deal - but the hours she works are the only ones that she really can. She baby sits in the afternoons. Let also not forget that she is pregnant. He wants to switch her between afternoons and nights. At those times she wouldn't be able to get her other duties done (order stock, work stock, etc.). Not to mention that she would be required to work harder (physically) in those hours - and she's pregnant. Not to mention - who would take care of her kids? and the other kids she baby sits for? She and her husband. She was upset because she told my boss that she can't do that. He said she had no choice.

It boggles me that he talks about loyalty and gratitude all the time. He wants it, he thinks he deserves it - yet he does things like this. She is a dedicated, loyal employee (never sick, never late, works hard, and doesn't complain. Her husband makes good money and doesn't even want her to work - she comes in because she likes it.) and he just dumps her into a lose lose situation and won't even try to help her out. I have a feeling that very soon, she will quit. She's due in another month or two. As I said her husband didn't want her to work anyway. So, there goes one very good asset to our company.
I've seen him do this kind of thing before. In essence, he demands traits from his employees that he can't deliver himself. He is in fact a back stabbing weasel. Btw' never actually get on his bad side. Life will never be the same for you. Smile and bend over backwards for him. Do everything he asks without question and just hope that one day he won't kill you for the hell of it.
I keep wondering when my day is.
Yoda shakes his head slowly and sighs. "He is lost to the dark side. You can't help him now."

9905.18

This is just to weird.
First - the mutants are coming out of the wood work. I now know of 6 people that have never, nor want to, see any of the Star Wars films.
Second - I don't normally have a life. It was kind of odd that I get smacked with one tonight. Actually it was kind of cool - just unexpected. Jen came over - and woke me up - so she could catch up on X-Files (she was late Sunday because of Graduations). We ordered a pizza. Then Devin and R - uh, his boyfriend (haven't gotten permission to use his name yet) called, and came over. While they where here Ray called. He and I talked on the phone for awhile, while the others watched TV and used the computer. Heck, Devin and I received a phone call here.
Now everyone is gone. Light weights have been up all day and have to go to work in the morning ;) However since I went to bed late and got woke up early I'll be going to bed again here in a while. I'll need my rest especially if we (Brian and I) get the first show tickets we want to Star Wars. Other wise I'll need the rest for staying up late to see it second show time.
I actually seem to have several people interested in helping set up the web cam idea. I haven't even completely decided to do it yet. I've just been checking into the equipment and talking to my ISP about it. Just working out the kinks. It does seem really likely though. Course, I'll have to decide if things like my watching Porno on Sunday morning is going on the cam or not. Again it's one of those 'It is part of my life' but 'is it appropriate' kind of questions. Things like that could get me kicked out of the Decent Choices ring. Something I really am proud to be a part of.
Cross that bridge when I get there.

I am remembering to take my new meds - but is strange trying to remember to do it. I've been a little late a few times (about an hour - nothing serious). I'm beginning to notice the structure it is throwing back into my life.

Not much else new to talk about. Got lots of work to do - so I'm off to get some of it done.

Oh! :D I actually got a letter in Gaylifreian today. Dave and his wife figured out there key and wrote me a note. I can read it! It does work for more then just me. Now if I can just get Devin and R to finish up their key and write me.

9905.19

Star Wars
    Star Wars
        Star Wars
            Star Wars
                Star Wars!!

9905.20

Payday. So much to do. Maybe my life has decided I don't really need sleep.
Star Wars was awesome. It was worth the wait. Lucas is a movie god. Now I'll be jonesing for Episode II now. In the mean time, I guess I'll just go and see Episode I a few more times. I owe Brian (T) big time for standing in line for me and getting the tickets. Course he bought tickets for he and I at 12:30 and he and his girlfriend at 7:30 and I'll bet he went to the late show also. I love Star Wars - he LOVES Star Wars.
I don't know why I've always been attracted to the Dark Side - but I am. Actually, I'm attracted to the look of the Dark Side. I've always wanted to be Darth Vader with Luke or Obi-wan's passion and wisdom. I've always been a good person - I just like to look evil. Anyway, I was saying - I love Darth Maul. He is so cool! I want to see more of him - might be hard, but I want to.

Let's see - no sleep ... no real food.
Got to be late. Woke up as my Boss called to tell me to come in early the next day to unload an early Truck (now a permeate change in my schedule - Wednesdays will be a very long day now). After the call, I was so excited about Star Wars, I couldn't go back to sleep. With two hours of sleep I then went to see 'Cruel Intentions' with Jen. Good film. Same thing as 'Dangerous Liaison's' but I think the love story shows up better in this film, but the manipulations and the evil intent show up better in the other. Anyway, then I was able to get about three hours of sleep before work. Going through the whole day with nothing more then the Twizzlers I had at the movie. Brian calls me at work to let me know he has the tickets and tell me the show time. I got everything done and left early (I mean I get off at noon and that's when seating starts - I had to be there before then). When asked if I really had to leave early, I told my Boss that he obviously had enough 'mutants' to run the place while I'm gone (He's been making a point of finding everyone that has never seen the Star Wars films and telling me about them - I work with 6, I know of 10 ... currently ... it really does boggle me).
Came home for some sleep. Dreamed of Darth Maul and a planet that tried to unify it's 'force' to defeat a Jedi (or actually a Sith (sp?)).
Someone knocked on the door. I rolled over and went back to bed. Then a bit later, I woke up to ... cows ;) Devin and Rodger (uh, the R from before, but now I've asked) moo-ed at my window like I've done to Devin so many times. We talked Star Wars - watched my rented movie - they checked e-mail. They should be coming back tomorrow so I can write up a character and fill out my LARP applications.
... feeling light headed - I think from the meds. ... Maybe the lack of real food. Maybe even the lack of sleep. Guess, I'll go back to sleep.

9905.25

It's been so long - and yet so very little has happened.

The old man just wanders around and howls. I can't get to sleep because he doesn't know where he is, or what he wants. When I get him quiet, all he wants is massive amounts of attention. Pet me, pet me, scratch me while I slobber all over your face so my fur sticks to you. He doesn't care where he walks any more. Over my head or face is the same as the floor. He can't, or doesn't, care if his claws are out.
I worry about him, but he's bugging the shit out of me.

He kept howling last night. No reason. He knew where I was, he had fresh food and water. He just didn't want me to sleep. I was desperate for sleep. I haven't had eight hours in a row for weeks now (maybe even the whole month). I feel tired all the time. I don't know if it's the meds or this multiple nap habit I'm developing. Part of my sleep problem is that I can't turn friends away from my door. Devin and Rodger have been over almost every other night or so. A friend from long ago dropped by last Saturday and we talked for 6 hours. Last Sunday at dinner we laughed so hard I thought I was going to pass out. But I wanted to sleep so bad - except for the incessant howling in the dark.
I guess he knew. He tried to keep me from Morpheous's grasp, but I made him shut up. I snatched him out of the dark and pet him. He slobbered over my face and finally got comfortable with his claw wedged in my nipple ring. Finally I fell asleep.
I dreamed. I dreamed in my dream.
Jackie Chan and Martin Short where making a movie. They where making fun of me. They where naked though, and the dream became ... wet. Not erotic. Not pornographic. Just sexual. In my dream I knew it was a dream. I welcomed the attention of sex even from these men that didn't respect me - and thought I was a joke. As the sex became enjoyable I began to wake from the dream. I was disappointed - but found that the sensation continued.
I opened my eyes from the dream to the dream. I was sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag. I saw two teenagers in different beds masturbating while watching me - or rather, watching Shawn as he grind into my back. As the fog of the dream wore off I looked behind me in time to see Shawn ejaculate onto my leg and foot. Then the teens also came. I was left unsatisfied. I was present for sex and not allowed to participate. I wasn't even allowed to finish.
I began to yell about how unfair it was. How could they do this to me while I was asleep? They all swore I wasn't asleep and told me to quit my whining. I should be happy I got what I did. I was so angry I stormed out of the room. They laughed as I locked my self into the bathroom and taunted me by saying they where having sex again with each other.
I began to cry. I tried not to, but it took me over and made my body shake in sorrow. Every gasp of air and streaming tear only pissed me off more and made me cry more vehemently.
I climbed out the window when I realized their taunts had turned to truth. I just had to get away. I then wandered the streets of Denver or Dallas looking for someone's shoulder to cry on - hoping someone would care about me. Care enough to let me cry without asking why. Someone that wouldn't do it out of pity.
The alarm went off. Doctor howled some more and I got in the shower. I went to work - and I was the only one there. For the second time in a weeks time I was the first to show up, and be the only one able to check. Having to try and run the whole store by myself just waiting for someone else to show up.
Haunted by this dream and feeling a bit used at work - I was not in the best of moods. I was still tired and unmotivated. Watching 'Priest' the night before was not helping my philosophical mind set about the conflicts of companionship versus the morality of what others think is right. He did everything right - everything - except be what they wanted.
I'm home now. Wishing I was asleep but wanting to write. Wanting to sleep for a long time but knowing I have to get up by six to run errands and go to the movies with Jen. I'll get another nap - although a short one - before I go into work early on Wednesday. Again, I'll be the only one there so I can unload a truck. Because I'm reliable. Responsible. Gullible.

What does the dream mean? I think it means that as much as I have enjoyed the company of friends - it almost seems that they are patronizing me. Knowing I feel lonely - they don't leave me alone. Knowing that I'm single, they come over in couples. Yet somehow it gives me pleasure. I like having them there. It does fill part of the void. But I still can't sleep. I don't have any time to myself. I don't have anyone close enough to realize I need a little space. Or something more then a hug and some conversation.

9905.27

Really quick, because I'm really tired.
I've gotten rid of one Mutant. Actually the one that started it all. He went to see Star Wars Episode I and thought it was fantastic. Now he's going to back up for the rest.
Worked another really long day. I swear nothing went right today. Arguing with vendors over cost, loosing parts of invoices, having to call vendors in, trying to figure out the 'holiday' schedules, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. AARGH!! I'm so happy to finally be home.
Devin and Rodger came by last night just as I was getting ready to leave for my walk. I got to spend time with each alone. Devin Checked e-mail while Rodger and I went to rent movies ($1 night) and made a beanie baby detour. Then Rodger checked e-mail while Devin went on my walk with me. Then we watched a movie and they went home. I watched Voyager and fell asleep again despite eating Vindaloo for breakfast.
I'm tired of working so much. I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm also tired of being alone - in the romantic sense. Actually, I kind of want some time to myself when I'm not asleep. So much I want to get done on this page.
I sent the letter out - the one that asks for 'professional' advise on web-cams. Had lunch the other day with Ray. He has some good ideas about turning this computer into the cam server and building me a new one part by part so I can learn how to put the parts together and be a little less 'needy' for help.
Starting to ramble. Before I get into all the hassle my index page is causing me and my desire to actually learn HTML to get around it, I'd better go and try to sleep. Try to dream of sex.

9905.30

I am so hurting for sleep - and what am I doing about it? Staying awake.
I stayed late at work on Friday (I couldn't leave - my boss kept telling me things he wanted done). I got to sleep about 3pm and had my alarm set for 9:15ish because Devin said that he and Rodger where going to come over and check e-mail. They never did show up. More sleep for me you think? Think again. There was a knock at the door about 8pm. It was one of the people I met at the LARP and has been over for X-Files night ever since. She and I began to talk and we where joined a few hours later by another friend (I really must ask if I can use names). I remembered to take my meds at 1am. We actually thought we were going to break it up about 2:30am, suddenly it was 4:30am! Lets talk about time slipping through your fingers when your having a good time! It just vanished like it was never there - but I remember it - I have the stomach cramps from laughing so hard to prove it.
Well, needless to say - it wasn't worth trying to get about 20 some odd minutes of sleep before getting ready for work. So I popped in a tape and did an in shower duty early (I can't be any more subtle and blunt at the same time).
Work on about four hours of sleep was different. The sugar and caffeine I downed for breakfast sure did make me seem alert. I found though that if I sat still - I fell asleep. One plus side to work - I had put in so many hours that I was supposed to leave a half hour early to keep from getting over time.
Work did not fail me - it did everything to keep me there, ... and succeeded. Mom called to see when I would get there for lunch and I had to tell her that I was now so far behind that I would just call her when I was leaving. I'm scheduled to leave at Noon. I was asked to be gone by 11:30am. I finally got out of there at 12:50pm.
Mom and I had lunch. Watched some Star Gate SG-1 while we talked. Finally Mom noticed that I was actually fighting for consciousness and sent me home.
I turned off the ringer on the phone. I set the alarm for 8 hours later. I have the next two days off for nothing but sleep. I'm in bed, cuddled into fresh sheets with a quite cat by 2:15pm. I hear voices in my apartment - oh, yeah - the answering machine still plays messages out loud. It was the girls - wanting to know if I wanted to go to a Wiccan event with them. Very tempting actually - but I am going to be good to myself and sleep. I hear another voice in my apartment. It's Rodger reminding me (though I think it was for the first time - I could be wrong) that the LARP will start at 6pm and I should bring the new Ravnos (its a vampire clan) I rolled up. So tempting. I really want to actually play rather then observe. Start to learn the rules. I wouldn't even have to 'dress up' to be the character because I already dress that way. I sat up in bed and realized I had thought about it so long that I was now awake. -5:30pm- Just enough time to get ready. Only three hours of sleep though.
I had a great time. The Girls didn't end up going to the Wiccan event, and so where also present for the game. Met some new people at the game - people that may very well also be here tonight for X-Files and Sunday dinner. We gamed until 11pm. Then we went out to eat (they never should have brought us those helium balloons). Some of us came back here to watch DS9. Girls left about 3am - I took the rest home about 4am. We started to laugh when someone noticed the birds had started to sing in the morning and the other said,
"You might be a Goth if the only sunrise you've ever seen is the one you stayed up for."
I then went to Some Like it Hot and rented some tapes. I watched as the Full moon dodged velvet clouds in the purple sky as I drove on the highway with the wind in my hair.
You think I would be asleep. In 11 hours I'll have a ton of people here again. But no, I jump on the web and check out the Cam-sites I like and then write this. I have Monday to recover ... if nothing happens. Maybe I'll actually get to some of the web revisions I want to make.
Funny thing - I just don't feel tired, just kind of sleepy at times. It's kind of fun.

9906.01

I'm trying to get ready for work so this will be very quick. I just want to write down a few things so I remember to talk about them.

This weird social phase I'm going through finally worked out to my advantage (in more ways then one) and in fact has just caused a number of weird encounters. Not bad, not 'good' ... just weird, like in 'Did that just really happen?' (Girl in the mall, Recruiting by standing there, My god is that you?!).
I have just woke from 7 hours of sleep (with two interruptions - phone call then meds) after having been awake for 27 hours plus odd minutes. Odd thing about it - I wasn't really tired. Maybe all that time I could barely stay awake had been stock piled.
Got to mention the game, The Purity test party, the Star Wars movie 'quests', The girls said I could use there names (Hi to Barb and Melissa who are so much more then 'girls' ;), and all the work I did in the gallery (I finally have a few picture links in there), and that may be it.
I may never get to have a full night of sleep again if things keep up like they have been. But if I'm having this much fun who the hell cares?
Note to self - call the Doctor and find out when he wants those blood tests done.

© 1999 May (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)