Recent Journal Entries

© 1999 April (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

9904.01

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Hey, I told you it would come back again.

9904.02

So much to write about. Lets start with the cut and paste.

>I am already HIV+ (five years and running) and I'm getting involved with
education about the virus - Specifically about transmission in an effort to
teach prevention.
>My question comes from trying to refute 'Urban myths' like the person that
goes to the movie theater and sits down on a needle with a note saying
'Welcome to the world of AIDS'.
>Please correct me if I'm wrong - but isn't the virus very fragile and not
transmittable in this particular fashion? The needle would have to have been
still 'wet' or fresh and actually injected a substance rather then just
break the skin. Wouldn't the 'victim' be more at risk of hepatitis then
HIV.
>I caught mine from sex and have never used Drugs, so my needle information
is weak. Please help me out. Thank you Very much.

Thank you for visiting our web site.

You are correct - the virus is very fragile and would have died before being able to infect someone. The Centers for Disease Control have issued a statement about this on their web site under frequently asked questions (FAQs). The web address is www.cdc.gov/nchstp/hiv_aids/pubs/faq/faq5a.htm

I hope that this information will be helpful.
Regards,
Shelley Collier
NYS HIV/AIDS Hotlines

Which reads -

I have read on the Internet several stories about people getting stuck by needles in phone booth coin returns, movie theater seats, and other places. One story said that CDC reported similar incidents about improperly discarded needles and syringes.

Are these stories true?

CDC has received inquiries about a variety of reports or warnings about used needles left by HIV-infected injection drug users in coin return slots of pay phones and movie theater seats. These reports and warnings are being circulated on the Internet and by e-mail and fax. Some reports have falsely indicated that CDC "confirmed" the presence of HIV in the needles. CDC has not tested such needles nor has CDC confirmed the presence or absence of HIV in any sample related to these rumors. The majority of these reports and warnings appear to have no foundation in fact.

CDC recently was informed of one incident in Virginia of a needle stick from a small-gauge needle (believed to be an insulin needle) in a coin return slot of a pay phone. The incident was investigated by the local police department. Several days later, after a report of this police action appeared in the local newspaper, a needle was found in a vending machine but did not cause a needle-stick injury.

Discarded needles are sometimes found in the community outside of health care settings. These needles are believed to have been discarded by persons who use insulin or are injection drug users. Occasionally the "public" and certain groups of workers (e.g., sanitation workers or housekeeping staff) may sustain needle-stick injuries involving inappropriately discarded needles. Needle-stick injuries can transfer blood and blood-borne pathogens (e.g., hepatitis B, hepatitis
C, and HIV), but the risk of transmission from discarded needles is extremely low.

CDC does not recommend testing discarded needles to assess the presence or absence of infectious agents in the needles. Management of exposed persons should be done on a case-by-case evaluation of (1) the risk of a blood-borne pathogen infection in the source and (2)the nature of the injury. Anyone who is injured from a needle stick in a community setting should contact their physician or go to an emergency room as soon as possible. The injury should be reported to the local or state health departments. CDC is not aware of any cases where HIV has been transmitted by a needle-stick injury outside a health care setting.

Just want to stress a few lines here.

CDC has not tested such needles nor has CDC confirmed the presence or absence of HIV in any sample related to these rumors. The majority of these reports and warnings appear to have no foundation in fact.

Needle-stick injuries can transfer blood and blood-borne pathogens (e.g., hepatitis B, hepatitis C, and HIV), but the risk of transmission from discarded needles is extremely low.

CDC is not aware of any cases where HIV has been transmitted by a needle-stick injury outside a health care setting.

Will be attending a funeral today. I felt bad that when I was called, Leah had to say
"First off - this isn't some sick April Fool's joke. My Mother died." She then gave me the information for the funeral. I made arrangements to have my shift watched for a couple of hours so I can go.

Been getting my sleep in 4 hour shifts here lately - again.

Got asked to speak with a panel for TAP on the 10th.

Got a note they are going to raise my rent - just when I thought things where going to get easier.

---------------------------

:15:00

"Sugar, All black is nothing new to you."
"No, but suits are."
"Why wear one?"
"Respect. I think I owe her that much."
"Sugar, you didn't even know her."
"Gabriel, All people deserve respect. Especially at their funeral. Now, are you going to help me or not? All I have in here for a black jacket is made of leather or this Tuxedo Tails which I think would be a little overboard."
"That one looks good, Honey."
"Oh, Gods. That is the suit I graduated in. Graduated High School." I tried on the black coat and smiled at the trendy angular cut and flaps of the 80's. It still fit. "I can't even remember the last time I wore this jacket." I said in amazement. It looked good enough though. Conservative - not to wild. Respectful. Then I felt something in the pockets. I found my white bow tie and ....

In Memory of
Maude Burkett Straisinger
July 29, 1894    January 20, 1991

"Granny..." My mind raced back. Was that the last time I wore this jacket? My Great Grandmothers funeral? Only nine years ago. Why does it seem like longer then that? "Gabriel, did you do this on purpose?"
"Sugar, why do you accuse me of such things. You know that's Cosmo's department."
"What's he trying to tell me? That even though I'm listed as a pall bearer, I can barely remember the service? How's that supposed to make me feel?"
"Don't look at me, Sugar. They are your feelings, not mine."
I paused for a moment, and then smiled.
"What's that for?" She asked hovering over me.
"Pancakes." I said.
"Oh, Honey, don't lose it now. What are you talking about?"
"I can't remember the funeral, but I can remember sleeping over at her house and having pancakes in the morning. We would play games all night long. Candyland, Sorry, Shoots and Ladders ... she taught me how to play Rummy and Solitaire.
I can remember the way she fought to walk. Every step a labor, but she took them with determination to reach a goal. She enjoyed the fight.
I remember laughing late into the night with her."
I put the program back in my pocket.
"How do you feel, Sugar?"
"I'm fine. I remember her alive - like it was yesterday. I don't need to remember a funeral years ago, except that I was there ... and dressed with respect."

Work was the same as always. I had mounds of things to do. I'm still trying to recover from the remodel. It was all I could do to keep up with all the vendors. I knew this had an advantage though. They all came early. I was done with all my vendors before I left for the funeral. It was as if they knew.
I arrived and fell into a very long hug. It was as much a comfort to me as it was for her. I can't even imagine what must have been going through her head. This was after all her Mother's funeral. Devin and Dan then arrived. I was so glad they could come. I didn't get the message passed along until very late. Devin hadn't slept yet - Dan still had to go to work. Still they came.
I walked in with them all. There I was given a program, printed on exactly the same 'card' as my Great Grandmothers. It was as if history was repeating - only different.
I had met the deceased once or twice. It was long ago - before being Positive. I knew her more from the words of her daughter, from the emotions of her daughter.
Now I would met her through the words and emotions of her friends.
"Dedicated activist who worked not for her benefit, but for the benefit of others."
"For those that knew her through work - we have pictures of her at a party. No one could wear a funny hat the way (she) could."
"Dear Lord, you took her from us before her work was done. I realized that if you had waited for her to finish she never would have shown up."
"She wasn't old, she was a recycled teenager."

"Sugar, are you okay?"
"That was one of the best funerals. I didn't know her, but I feel like I missed out on meeting a wonderful woman. I can't think of a better memory to have."

I went to say good-bye to Leah. She was placing a jar of Coffee, a lighter and Cigarettes in the coffin with her mother. I smiled as she said,
"Oh, she would be pissed if I didn't send these along with her."
"Remind me that I have a joke to tell you."
"Oh, tell me now." she said.
"It's a real dirty joke."
"Her favorite." She said with a pause.
"Are you sure?" She assured me that now was good. So I told the joke - to my audience of two.

A little girl watching TV saw a couple beginning to have sex. So, she asked her Mother what they where doing. In shock the Mother turned off the TV and only replied,
"They where making cakes."
The next day rather then let the little girl watch TV again, the Mother took her to the Zoo. There the little girl noticed two monkeys having sex and pointed them out to her Mother and asked what they were doing.
"They are making cakes." the Mother replied leading the little girl away.
The next day the little girl came up and asked her Mother,
"You and Daddy where making Cakes on the sofa last night weren't you?"
A bit shocked at having been caught, she asked how she knew that.
"Because I licked the frosting off the cushions."

She laughed and gave me a hug. I swear, I saw the old woman smile. I guess respect can still be a bit irreverent. Homage's have to fit the person you give them to. I guess I picked one that fit.

Went back to work. Kicked butt on clean up (the results will only last the day, but I did kick butt). Had to go by the main office to fill out some paperwork. Dropped by TAP to get more information on the panel talk. Came home ... and found my door knob loose.
When I opened the door, the knob fell out in my hand. I looked around. Everything was just as I left it. I think someone - unsuccessfully - tried to break into my apartment. I took the door knob over with the rent check. The landlady sent over a repair man - so that is fixed. Good to know that dead bolt works well. They plan to replace the door knob when they come back later to fix the drip in my tub. Well, if they are going to raise the rent I should get a few things fixed, right? *L*

Very late now. Very tired now. Going to bed - soon.

9904.04

These strippers are really beginning to tick me off. Okay, Angel and Slider (what names these guys have) were cute, but they couldn't dance and I wanted to. Threw three bucks away and decided I should go somewhere else.
Devin caught me as I was leaving - had a slightly alcohol induced emotional moment with me (He just had to tell me how much I meant to him while hugging me - long hug). All things considered, it was really sweet - I just wish alcohol didn't play a role in it at all. Anyway, told him I would see him at 2/3am (I hate when my day loses an hour) for cards.
Where to go ... LYZ is now closed. I've heard a few rumors about it reopening down the block, but nothing about when. Well, I guess I'm off to Some Like it Hot (XXX movie rental). Found two movies. But it was only a little after one. I sure as hell wasn't going to go to Devin's early (look what happened the last time I did that - little side note: That guy just stopped calling or coming by after about a week. Devin was a bit upset, but now he has a web date that he is faithful to even though he's never met him. I can't blame him - remember the guy I said I talked to on line? I've been carrying his picture with me - I am a sad, lonely little man - at least Devin has talked to his more then once and should met him soon). I cashed in a fist full of tokens and then went into the viewing booths. Ran out of token at 2/3:15am and left. I've decided that I shouldn't go there so much any more. As I was leaving the guy behind the counter said,
"Thank you Mr. Turner." Which wasn't so bad - I mean my name is on my membership card and good customer relations says that it's good to call customers by name if you have access to it (Credit card or checks etc.). But when I said,
"Thanks and have a good Easter." as I opened the door, his reply was,
"Thanks. See you next week, Bret." ... I think I've been going too much.

Devin and I played cards and ate Vindaloo burrito's until Dan got home. I think the fact that Devin had been drinking made him tired faster - he was practically falling asleep playing cards. Probably the reason I was kicking his ass. I knew there was a reason he talked me out of actually keeping score. (Oh, also, found out Devin was a little down. He was kind of stood up at the bar. He was going to meet someone and hopefully bring them back to play cards. Turns out, I discovered later, his intention was to try and set me up with him (Why me), so in a way I was stood up too).

Watched the movies. Not bad. Think I'm getting a little burned out on them - nah!
Going to do some computer work then go over to Dad's for Easter lunch. Then home for a nap and up in time for X-Files. Probably a nap before work.

Toast!

9904.06

Should be asleep ... wanted to write this down.

I've been terribly introspective the last couple of days. I don't mean terribly in the sense of a lot - I mean in the sense of terrible to myself.
I'm hooked on webcam sites. I can't believe how much time I can waste watching someone waste time. I've even been dreaming about them.
I wished for something terrible. Can't believe I did it. But I guess it does prove that chain letters are a joke. If you don't send it, bad luck for years. If you do send it your wish will be granted in the minutes that equal your age. I wished for something that was with in the realm of possibility - but it was an evil wish. It was completely lustful and drawn from my loneliness. I'm glad it didn't happen. But I've been beating myself up over wishing for it to begin with. Lets just say that blowing the pizza delivery boy for his tip isn't what I really wanted - even if I did think he was attractive.

I looked in the mirror and found myself staring at a stranger. I don't look in the mirror often. I prefer my own mental image of myself. But after watching the movie 'You've got Mail' I caught my eye in the mirror of the restroom. I just didn't look like me. I kind of forgot I grew a mustache again. My hair is to long. I haven't shaved in a few days. I knew it was me in the mirror - but it wasn't. I didn't in particular notice anything wrong with him - If I met him, I'd probably want to date him ... I wondered why no one else did. Then I realized he was a stranger.

"I just don't understand why anyone would want to take a risk if they knew about it." My mother said. I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but she did.
"Nothing is 100%. You take a risk by being alive. You just have to understand the risks - and respect them. If no one takes a risk - then we can count me out of the dating pool forever. I deserve love the same as anyone else." I said. I don't know if she recognized my indignance. She nod, like she understood, but I could still see it in her eyes. "Why take the risk?"

I took it, and I'm not sorry for it. I have shown that I would do it again. It just seems that lately all I've done is open myself up for target practice. Others, from a safe distance, just take shots at me. I feel all the pain, I take all the chances, I get all the rejection. They go home with someone else safe in the knowledge (or actually the feeling) that they are free of risk - plenty of distance... from me. ... why do you keep haunting me?

Terrible thoughts. Want to stop. Need to sleep. ... per chance to dream.

9904.07

I woke from a strange dream. Body snatching aliens had taken over the world while I slept. At first I ran, but then I fell in love with one of them. She was very reassuring that the assimilation wouldn't hurt me or destroy that part of me that I thought was unique. I was trying to negotiate the terms of my surrender to the new order - they stood on unconditional terms. I was alienated in a society of aliens pretending to be aliens.
The layers of the dream perplexed me as I put on my cloak and crown. I didn't know what to think of it - so I tried to forget it. I wandered outside the castle, on to the tower's walkway. A Tempest brew in the air. Spring was being brought in on the wings of a strong wind. Blowing out the dust and decay of winter, and carrying in the scents of rain and flowers. My cloak whipped about in the wind, tugging at my neck. I grabbed hold of the edges and lift my arms as I look down from the tower. The storm filled my cloak and threatened my balance. The cloak snapping in the Gail, and it exhilarate me. I felt as if I could fly if I just leapt off the edge. Then suddenly, it stopped. My cloak fell silent and disappointment set in as I regained my balance.
"Sugar, you Okay?"
"You took the Gail."
"Sugar, ...?"
"Stop asking if I'm okay. I'm fine. You just let some of the wind out from under my wings."
"It was wind, Sugar."
"It was a Gail, the force of an angels wings."
"The fact that the wind stopped means the angel transcend to a higher level."
"True. .... But now the earth is short one more angle."

Rough day at work. I'm just not sure about the atmosphere there any more. The new owners are taking much more control then they said they would. They give out mixed signals. It just seems that the air of cooperation is fading away.
I took off on time. I told them I had a Dr.s appointment. I didn't lie - I just didn't tell them it was 2 hours away. I ran a few errands, then got some money from the bank. I wrote the check against the paycheck I get tomorrow. I hope to have enough to start a savings account tomorrow. All the bills are paid at the moment. I decided that since I was going to the Dr.s I deserved lunch. I went to LJS and ate lunch outside in the spring air. Willow park was quite, despite being across from the Hospital. I had a great lunch with my shirt blowing in the breeze. I walked from there to the Dr.s office.
My Dr. told me that my favorite nurse lost her battle with cancer in early February. I'll miss her.
We also both agreed it was time to go back on meds.
"I just don't want to push our luck any more." he said.
He's going to wait for the Genotype results before deciding on which ones to try. After we make that decision we'll schedule our next appointment and tests. He also said that the vacation may have done some good because they have found that virus's in general (including HIV) though they gain resistance, they dislike having the resistant markers (they slow them down in reproduction) - thus when the pressure has been eliminated to have them - they often get rid of the markers.
"Hopefully your virus has a short memory." he joked with me. That is what the Genotype will tell us.

Home to bed. Restless sleep. Restless walk. Restless writing.
Time to eat and watch the movie I rent. Then I'll try to sleep again.

9904.09

The movie was 'Best Men'. I highly recommend it. It actually gave me a sense of pride. As the movie was rewinding - Jerry Springer was on. "I have a secret Gay lover." Lost that sense of pride pretty quickly. Fags like that give the rest of us a bad name - and they are the ones that get the press.

Had a strange dream. Don't remember as much about it as I did. It started off with a guy in a car. Every time he backed up, and then moved forward into the parking spot one of his brothers appeared in the car. After all four of them were there (5 in the car now) they began a journey of self awareness to the Amazon. Each had different demons to deal with and overcome. I remember crying in my sleep.
That's the part that bothers me now. I cry in my sleep. Can't seem to do it when I'm awake. Not that I think I have anything in particular to cry about - but I know it's difficult for me. Now I realize that I've been getting it out of my system when I'm not conscious of it. Pisses me off.
I know I'm lonely. Lately that has been bothering me. Last night as I tried to fall asleep my hand fell on my face. It doesn't usually do that. For a brief moment, in my half conscious state, I thought someone was in the bed with me. I felt a sense of comfort and got an erection. ... How sad is that?
I had a free rental. When I returned 'Best Men' I picked up 'Black Circle Boys'. Not quite the Horror / Thriller I thought it was. Still very good, but slow paced. Based on a true story, boy grieving from death of friend, falls in with wrong crowd (a kind of cult). Talking to his 'girlfriend' he recounts how he feels and how it began to happen.
"I felt like someone had put a giant glass dome over me. It suffocate me, and all I could do was watch the rest of the world ... not touch me. I felt disconnected, like I was watching TV or something. It didn't matter what I did - it didn't effect me. I couldn't feel it."
I can sympathize - I very much feel like that now. I'm far from joining a Satanistic cult, but I do feel the disconnected feeling he talks about. The glass dome. I'm tired of being alone in here ... suffocating. Crying in my sleep.
I want the feelings. I want to feel them.
Right now, I just feel kind of ... lost. I have so much to do, I don't know where to start - so I don't. I find myself lusting in sly ... unkind ways.
He was cute. I looked him over. Red hair, light skin, green eyes. He had a pierced eyebrow and wore a dog's choke chain collar (this is no joke - he was working on the crew that stripped and re-waxed our floors at work). While he was smoking I noticed his fly was open. I shouldn't have noticed, but I was looking. I should have told him it was undone. I didn't. I just kept watching. Hoping I could see more then just his blue underwear through the open camouflage fly. I'll bet he was barely of age too.
I just have visions of myself - driven by loneliness - into becoming a lecherous old troll.

Awake to long again. Going to sleep. The picture essay I was the subject of, is on the web now. It's really good work. Have some time on your hands - there are thirteen pictures and they take some time to load. I shrank one a used it with my web personal add. Maybe I'll get some responses now *LOL*.

9904.10

"So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion: respect others in their views and  demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day you go over the great divide. Always give a word or sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none. When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no things, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision. When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home."
Tecumseh

"Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger."
-Christian Larsen

Little things that come back and bite you in the ass.
"Last time I talked to you - did I hear you right? You said you have HIV?"
"Yes."
"When did you find out? Before or after you met me?"
Ut-oh, I know where this is going. It's going to be even worse because he didn't say anything last time. It's been stewing in him for at least a month now.
"You didn't say anything. You knew and you didn't say anything." he kept saying.
I was having a good time - This was right after I first found out - you think I'm going to end a good time by telling you that and having you run away screaming!?! You should be flattered you weren't told - it meant I was afraid I would lose out on knowing you.
I am not going to stand here and say that what I did was right. Just understandable. It isn't what I do now. I learned directly from my mistakes. Mistakes that are still coming back to haunt me.
Now I can't say anything more then I'm sorry. And I am.
I reassured him that we didn't do anything unsafe.
"I don't know about that. Any fluids. I don't remember if you had a cut or anything." and he brushed his face to say 'as if in shaving' or anything that he may have kissed. I stopped him. We didn't do anything unsafe. It isn't just any fluid. Blood and seaman - in contact with blood (open wounds) and permeable mucus membranes - vagina - urethra - anus - eyes (rare, but)- mouth (usually only if there is a wound for the virus to enter - cold sore - herpes sore (any of the varieties) - bleeding gums or ulcers.
At least now, except for the Magic man, All of my omissions have caught up to me. What is really ironic is that I just wrote an article for the TAP newsletter about our part in the talk at Sexual Responsibility Week. Part of what I closed with was -

For those of us that know we have the virus - Disclosure and education are our biggest responsibilities. Any partner you have should be aware of your status and educated to the risks involved. If you think that you can cover the risk for them and not tell them - think about the difference it would have made in your life if someone had told you about their status.

Like I said. I learned from my mistakes. Now I've done everything I can to make sure my life is an open book (almost literally) so that I can share those mistakes and prevent others from making them.

I have another speaking engagement this afternoon for TAP. As I understand, it's part of their volunteer training program. I'll let you know how it goes. I've got to get some drawing done. I have promises to live up to.

-----------------

:15:15

Writing that this morning got me to thinking. Tecumseh and Larson's statements really stood out to me. I really have done these things. Even if I don't feel like I have - I have.
I got all my drawing assignments done. I went to work, and what I had done yesterday had not been over run. I stayed on top of things for the first time in a month or more. I started work on the cage. By the time I left I felt like I had done something. I had a sense of accomplishment.
Couldn't have come at a better time. I was in a really good mood when I went to the TAP volunteer training. I was able to listen in on the last of the counseling about Religion. They had some very interesting questions posed to them. Ever since the POZ expo in NY and the religion seminar there I have been interested in the place of religion with a group in need of it and largely ignored by it. One of the questions I got to listen in on (and participate in) was -
"Your client doesn't believe in an after life and is afraid of the dying process. How do you offer care, comfort, and healing?" (it was worded a bit differently - I don't have the photographic memory I once did.) One man offered up that support is most important - just to let them know that you are there for them. Your presence as a 'care giver' is often all that is necessary to comfort someone. After all it does end the isolation many feel.
I wasn't sure if I should say anything. I, after all, was there as a speaker, not as a trainee. But after a bit of silence I couldn't help but say what I thought was obvious.
"Reassure them of the value of their life." The rest then support the idea. Show them the influence they have had in others lives. How they will live on in deeds and memories. That if they don't believe in something after, that the now is important and worth while.
In my opinion, this serves two purposes. One, the obvious, to ease the fear of ending. Second, it refocuses their attention on life. Not only have they done a lot - they can continue to do so if they wish. Important things to do for anyone.
I wasn't the only speaker. There was a woman there to relate the story of the loss of her son to AIDS. She was great - she reminded me of my Mom actually. Her story also emphasized that agencies like TAP not only help the 'client' they help the family and friends. Often it isn't even direct - but when you help the client, you are helping the family as well. Easing the burden a bit as it where. Afterward I had to tell her how much I appreciate that she was able to share her story. How much it meant not only for the other trainee's but for people like me to hear these things.
It was different for me to hear it from the other side. What others go through watching someone they love handle a difficult moment, time or illness. It isn't just you that suffers. The pain may not be exactly the same but they feel it also. Afterward, I went to see my Mom. We talked for over an hour. She had a bad week and needed to vent. Even though I didn't really know a lot of the people that she was talking about - I just listened to her voice. She had to let it all out, and I was glad to be there for her to do it.

My part of the talk I thought went equally well. Many very thoughtful questions. It was a very small group (about 4 or 5 not including the TAP representatives) so everyone really got the chance to ask something and contribute to the conversation. Some of the new questions I was asked -
Are there moments when it gets difficult? (it was linked to the observation that I really seem to handle things well). Of course! Any one that reads a lot of this journal should know that also. But a difficult moment is just that - difficult and a moment. I have this journal and the love and understanding of friends and family to help me through them. I brought up Shawn Decker's HIV magnifying glass theory (that problems are problems, but with HIV it just seems bigger).
What are the differences between places like Topeka and larger cities like New York? I've kind of talked about this before in the journals. Usually right after a vacation to such a place and then I return home. Many of the attitudes are different - and yet the same. I mentioned that often times the attitudes still cause the same reactions - it just changes the motives. People in NY are just as likely to hide the fact that they are HIV positive as they are here. The reasons may be different - but the action is the same.
I was also asked if I had ever withdrawn from someone because of the virus. (That's not exactly how she asked it, but it was asking if I had ever cut short a relationship because I felt I was getting to close and I would 'regret' the end of it later). I had to reply that I hadn't - but that I could see it happening. I've talked before about how I tend to get a bit cold at the beginning of a relationship (something I really am trying to stop) but that it is my way of see if they will really stick around. But so far I haven't really labeled it to the HIV. I'm not doing it because I think they deserve better then someone that is going to die. I'm not doing it because I don't want them to watch me decline (or vise versa). When I date Jerry (the only person I've dated that was also HIV+) it came up once "What if I go first?" the discussion was actually very short lived. I don't think either one of us really wanted to drag out the debate (I think we had just watched the movie 'Philadelphia' with Tom Hanks and Antonio Banderas). I believe it was also short lived because we both agreed - if it happens, it happens. Enjoy the time we have together. Thing is - realistically - if the situation actually came into being, the feelings are real not theoretical. It could be very different.

It is so late for me now. I still plan to go dancing tonight. I'm going to need some sleep. Suffice it to say that the experience was great. I learned a lot - I hope I taught as much.

9904.11

No coincidence
Bass rhythms shake my bones
Melody that moves my soul
Discordant or dulcet tones
The lyrics make me whole
I go in, I dance

It just came to me (really rough) while I was dancing. I ran off to write it down. I revised it this morning (checked the rhyme and pentameter etc.). I had a great time there.
When I got dressed, blue jeans where on the top of the pile. I then found my only real blue T-Shirt ... with the Superman logo on it. I put on my red pirate shirt and left it untucked ... got to have a cape. Then I put on my leather boots. One guy looked at me and said,
"The boots are the wrong color." To which I replied, with a wink,
"Couldn't be helped. Batman left in a real hurry and grabbed the wrong pair."
What really killed me - the best looking man I've seen in a long time ... was standing by the door as I was leaving.
"How's it going Superman?" He said. I couldn't believe how good looking he was.
"Great!" I said, stopping for a moment. "How about you?"
He shrugged an 'okay' and I stood there a moment just waiting for him to say anything to continue the conversation. I tried to think of something myself. I couldn't. I turned and continued to leave ... and kick myself in the ass for being an idiot! Oh well, maybe he'll be there next week.
Went to Devin's to play cards. I was so close - but I still got my ass kicked. I think I've gotten him hooked on web cams now also. <evil grin>
Want to talk about embarrassing? Just before I left Devin picks me up off the ground in this giant bear hug. While I'm pressed up against him trying to breath - I realize I'm getting a chubby. Don't know if he felt it or not. Don't know if he thought I was joking when I broke free and had to adjust myself. I just couldn't believe it.
I drove right out to Some Like it Hot. I know I said I wasn't going back, but obviously I need a release. Decided to write here first while I eat. These hotdogs are good. (gutter brain)

Also, forgot to mention. My Bank account is only $10 'overdrawn' (since I have a $500 credit linked to the account and I'm usually deep into it - this 10 is great). Not counting the bill I got out of the mail yesterday, all my bills are currently paid. And I am now the proud owner of a Savings account - with money in it! It has to have a $300 balance or I'm charged $25 - but I put $400 in it. I hope it only grows. Between my Tax refunds and my last paycheck (with Sunday time and over time on it) I had enough to catch up and do that. Now all I have to do is keep on it. I want to get another $300 saved so I can go on Vacation (I promised Mike). I think I can do it in about three months if I apply myself.
Enough, I have a lot of tape to watch.

9904.15

If I hadn't been having such a good time I think I'd warn myself not to do this again. Guess I'm still old enough to know better and young enough not to care. Okay, it has been cold and rainy here for the past couple of days. It's terrible that spring seems to have left us so soon. Forgive me if this seems a bit disjoined - I'm in a hurry and not yet caught up with myself.
The 13th was Dave's Birthday. We kind of had plans to go and see a movie (and I didn't even know it was his birthday) but his wife's job shifted her hours and he had to be at home for the kid. He didn't seem to be having a very good day besides that - and then he told me it was his birthday also. I went home, and ate lunch. I knew I had to go to the dentist soon, but I was hungry. Read an article on the 'face of god' - it was really good (December issue of TIME I think). Had a great visit with my dentist (he's my cousin also, I think I've mentioned that before). After Thirty - Two years! I finally have a cavity (actually - two). My upper wisdom teeth each have a small cavity. He said he isn't surprised - the way my mouth is - it's nearly impossible to get a brush in that spot.
Since I was up - late, I decided rather then call Jen about 50¢ movies I would go and see her. Now you would think that when she told me she couldn't go - I would have gone home and gone to bed. I didn't. I jumped in my car - got on the highway - stopped at a grocery store - got some cupcakes and a card (actually two cards - Devin's birthday is this Sunday) and then drove out to say 'Happy Birthday' to Dave.
Ah, 70mph in driving wind and rain in a leaking convertible metro. Reminded me of the days when I used to ride the motorcycle to Kansas City during storms to see Shawn (Back when we were still dating). Dangerous, Challenging, fun as all get out.
When I got back into town I looked at my watch. If I went to sleep now ... I could get about two hours of sleep before waking up and seeing a movie ... ... or ... ... I could just go and see a movie now and then go to sleep. So, I went to see 'Message in a Bottle' with Paul Newman and Kevin Cosner. Good film - I liked the way it ended ... a not so happy but happy ending. It made me miss being in a relationship though. So, I refilled my large pop and got some Popcorn instead of Twizzlers and went to see 'Blast from the Past' with Brandon Fraser and Alicia Silverstone. Funny movie. I liked it a lot. Brainless comedy, light hearted and fun. Great performances by everyone.
In the bathroom as I leaned against the wall and released two large sodas into the urinal ... I remembered the last time I had done that. I was a bit more miserable because I was wet and the air conditioning was on full blast in the middle of summer. Shawn and his friend Shawn had thrown me in the pool. Then we went to see 'Beetlejuice' and by the time it was over I really had to go - but we turned around and saw 'Willow'.
I looked at my watch. 'If I went to bed right now ...' I thought, 'I'd still only get 7 hours of sleep before going to work.' I went home - listened to my messages. Melissa called. She wanted to hook up to go and see the 50 ¢ movie! We had been trying to hook up for the past couple of weeks while she was still in town and I just missed a chance. I called and talked to her - her last message said that she was going to the movie anyway. I wanted her to know that I wasn't ignoring her, I hadn't been home. She went to see 'Patch Adams'. She did notice my car. Brian and I had plans to see 'Matrix' on Wednesday - I invited her along.
I got about 5 and half hours of sleep before work. I was a bit loopy. Not so much from the lack of sleep - but from the fact that only thing I had eaten in the last 24 hours was Soda and Twizzlers with some popcorn. I was sugar buzzing. To many things happened that day. I heard my name on the intercom more times that day then I have since I took the back door job. I didn't leave work until almost 2pm. I did take a break long enough to eat a small microwave beef stew. Try to counter act the sugar buzz. It wasn't enough.
I called the Theater to confirm times of 'the Matrix'. Brian was trying to get out of work early for the 6:45 show (he was supposed to get off at 7pm) but I noticed a 7:45 show. So, before calling Melissa and my friend to confirm the times I went to see Brian at work. He wanted to get out early. I called Melissa and left a message with, I think, her dad. I called my friend and left a message with his room mate. I e-mailed Jen to see if she could come (since she didn't go to Tuesday's movie). I called Devin to get his zip code. He was at work so I chanced calling him there. He and I had planed to see Matrix on Sunday - while he was talking to me he said that he had to work on Sunday and couldn't go. I told him I was going tonight also - he said he got off at 4pm and could go.
I considered going to see another movie while I waited for 'Matrix'. If I didn't have to pick up Devin from work I probably would have. I had a great time with Devin though. Ate some more food while I wait for him to get off work. I ordered a Kids meal and he gave me the toy... Spidey gun :) I about put my eye out getting in my car. My glasses hit the door window as I sat down. Jammed them right up into my nose. As I started to drive away I noticed my left eye was all blurry. I thought I must have hit it pretty hard. While Devin was in a store buying cigarettes I realized that the reason I couldn't see out of that eye was because the lens had popped out! I was laughing hysterically when Devin returned. He must have thought I was completely off my rocker. I got him home to change and I ran some errands. Then I came back and we went to met everyone else at the movie.
We wait in the lobby for everyone to show up. We wait until it was almost time for the movie to start. Devin and I stood goofing off in the lobby (me using that silly gun he gave me in my kids meal ... he really should have known better then to arm me). At one point I said I had thought of a new pun but we would have to wait until we weren't in public to show it to him. He dared me. I grabbed his head as asked if he was sure he wanted me to do this. He winced and said yes. So, I pulled him close and licked the side of his face and while he wiped it off, I said,
"You've just been Goth-licked."
Less then Five minutes to the show and we decided that the only other person that would be there would be Brian and he could quite possibly be very late. So we went to sit down. I went out to pee one last time before the movie and ran into Melissa. Brian joined us just after the opening credits had started. Four out of a possible six - not bad.

CAN'T SAY ENOUGH GOOD THINGS ABOUT 'MATRIX' - AWESOME FILM!!!!

Brian went home to do homework. The rest came to my house for Sexiest commercials ban in America. Then I took Devin home and came back to get 6 hours of sleep before work today. Today just flew by. Everyone couldn't believe I stayed up all day again.
I promised I would go home and go to bed - but what am I doing ... writing this.
Guess what - I have to get up early tonight also. Friends in town ... unfortunately for the funeral of a relative, but in town. Going to get together with them.
I still rent a movie on Wednesday. I'll have to watch it soon so it won't be late. Maybe I just won't sleep again. ... Nah, I'm wise enough to know a $2 late charge is worth some sleep. Time to calm down and act my age again. ... NOT!

9904.18

The King sat at his window, and watched the reflections. He watched the men play in the courtyard. Occasionally they would look up to him, but when he waved, they ignored him.
I watched them play with each other as I sat alone. I began to tire of the cycle. The cycle of trying - of putting forth such an effort only to be rejected, again and again.
"Sugar? Ya' doin' alright?"
"I just want it to end."
"What to end?"
"The loneliness, the rejection, the isolation ... the despair."
"Then end it. You are the one that carries these emotions, drop them."
"Easier said then done." I said still staring out the window watching other men play. Wanting so much to join them. Just waiting for an invitation that I knew I would not receive. I wanted to join them, but I couldn't because I was King.
Kings don't play with servants - servants play with Kings. I have to wait. I can't make the first move. If I do, they answer from obligation - not want or desire. Thus they often look up to me - thinking I'm so puerile and noble, when in fact I am alone and desperate.
I start the cycle again.
I leave the tower, I leave the castle, I leave the security of my kingdom. I go out into the fringe realms. I try to hide my desperation. I try not to appear alone. I try to blend in. I smile. I flirt. I try to met new people. It works a little. Often I met new people, but they all seek a King - but leave with a fellow person. They have an ideal, but when confronted with it - run, as if frightened by the end of the quest.
In the fringe realms I often run into 'friends'. Some try to help me - others actively seek to undermine me. Some do both with out their own knowledge. A black figure is seen, with painted face and dragon handled cane. I approach with greetings. I am welcomed into the fold, but the mysteries of the fold are complex. I am attracted to his friend. No introductions are given, yet he tries to get me to sit with him. We introduce ourselves, and my friend flirts with his friend. I feel as though I have stepped onto his territory and I prepare to leave, but am encouraged to stay.
The friend begins to get close and I am pleased. Then he appears to be a braggart. He shows to be substance user. Confused to which sex he prefers as the substances begin to effect him. Substances he had never used before. Then I remember him from the past. The track marks may not be there but the train still runs through. Getting involved with this man would mean that I am just waiting to be a guest on Jerry Springer.
I made the effort. I met the wrong kind of man. Worse, I'm told by many to stay with him ... as if this is the best the world has to offer. I realize my friend has begun to encourage our relation - as if his failure should be my gain.
I dismiss myself, and find that I was easily replaced. Another instantly takes the place as the object of his affections. I feel the disappointment of disillusionment, the grief of failure and the pain of replacement.
I drive away. Far away. I sit in a distant land and pray that I will be noticed. I am seen. I am ignored. Once again I fail. I try and fail. I watch the others compete for the affections of others. Yet no one vies for my attention. I compete with the others, even chose less then lofty goals. Still I fail. For it isn't how you compete for the prize - it is how the prize chooses you.
I return to my Kingdom. I go to the whore house. I buy a sex life. ... It isn't even that great. All I can afford are the images. No heat, no interaction, no conversation, no touch. Just the lust and the movement, flat and acted for the masses. Biker Pigs from Hell better then the Texas Tails leaving the Czech Circle Jerk rolling to a halt on the floor.
I tried, but I couldn't respond. I was still alone - just watching the reflections. Watching other men play. I was still the lonely kid on the playground. Wishing I could fit in. Wondering why I couldn't.
Is it the way I look? The way I talk? Don't I have anything to offer?
I looked at my heart. It was a strong heart. It served me well. We became King together. It was a big heart, even though it was empty. I had been carelessly handled and broken before, but repaired well. There was no lock on it.
I stared at my heart and it occurred to me.
"The heart of a King isn't meant to be won. It's meant to be broken." The layers of the statement began to hold itself up. One meaning directly behind the other meaning the same thing.
"The heart of a King isn't meant to be won. It's meant to be broken."
My heart is open. Taking damage from the inside as well as out. But it hadn't died. It was still strong. It hadn't been beaten - it wasn't broken - it wasn't a prize.
I sat in my throne and brood. I don't want to be won. I don't want to lose. I want to be conquered. Yet, I'm a strong King - and no one will challenge me. No one attempts to storm the gates, even though they are open. My strength is my solitude - my weakness is my despair over loneliness. Such an easy target - yet no one attacks ... except the weak willed and the impaired.
So many Kings could be so powerful if only they could drop their addictions. If they took responsibility for there kingdoms they could conquer any other. I've challenged many other kingdoms. I have been ignored. I've grown tired of shaking my sword in the air and asking someone to join my fight.

It would seem I have two choices.
Sit and wait.
Attack a target.
I can't do either. So, by default I sit and wait.
I sit in my throne, tired of trying, tired of being punished for being strong and honest. The very traits that gave me my kingdom. A kingdom worth winning - worth fighting for - not just idly admiring or ignoring. I am a tired King ... so close to being broken ... one way or another.

9904.20

So once again I start a journey of self exploration. I'm beginning to wonder if these things really do me any good. All I do is sit around and brood for a while. Sometimes its a long while.
I've been thinking about all my relationships - how they began - how they ended. Trying to figure out what worked and what went wrong. Whether I was the prize or the winner. If my heart was won, captured, conquered or destroyed.
I hate going back over the past trying to figure out how to fix the present. As relevant as it always seems - it never compares. The situation is different. (Damn you, Bane.) What I have to remember is that the past is a foundation for building. As important as the foundation is - it isn't seen. The beauty of architecture is what is built on the foundation. The foundation doesn't demand what is built on it - it only supports it.
I have a good foundation. (Thank you, Lance.) Question now is - what do I want to build?

On a completely different note. Have I mentioned my addiction to web cams? I'm completely fascinated by them. I visit three on a regular basis. RAGE, reX, and Puppy. All for different reasons. I just discovered that reX also keeps an on-line journal. In that and his FAQ section he makes some very good points that I had begun to consider. This is a new way to show someone's life. That was - is - still the main focus of this web site. At first I thought I had nothing 'new' to offer the web cam community, but in my searches I have yet to find one that has HIV as a factor. I'm not pretty and it won't be a sex show, just a slice of life ... dealing with HIV. People can watch and be tediously bored with my life just as well as any one else's. One more way to show that life does and doesn't change with HIV. Question now is - how do I do it? Do I follow through or not?
Seems to be a major question here of late.
All still in the air. I plan to write one these guys and ask for advise. It's the same thing I did with Justin and Shawn Decker when I started this page. He may very well point out to me hurdles I hadn't considered and change my mind. Then again maybe he will point out that it is even easier then I thought or encourage me to think so. Then I will have made one more invisible electronic connection to a world ... that I can't touch.

Got to change the subject again. I went image hunting on the web today. Still working on the Front Gate overhaul. There is still a picture I have to draw (actually I have drawn it - I'm just not satisfied with it). Found one artist (a photographer) that helped me out a lot. His eye captured emotions for me ... that is what art is all about. From Jeff Palmer's gallery page (At himself.com- here are the two that grabbed my attention the most.

The sense of serenity and strength in the struggle. The second one also reminds me a lot of the painting 'trapped' that I did in collage (It's still hanging on my wall - it can be seen in Josef's pictures of me in my home). Both also remind me of the images in my head that I have for the comic book. The struggle of Don, a villain / victim, that I have written but am far from actually illustrating. Partly inspired by the music of Slint.
I'm finding my creative mind wanting free. I'm finding that it craves a form of expression that this new electronic journal lacks the ability to provide. If this where paper I would be drawing now instead of writing. Just like I did way back in the early days.
Maybe I really should hit the drawing table again.

9904.22

Just when I think maybe things will calm down.
Tuesday. Got a hair cut. Couldn't wait for payday - so long and shaggy ... in my eyes. Movie night. Melissa and Brian T joined Jen and I at the movie. Afterward Melissa went home and got her dog then joined me for my walk in the park. I told her it was going to be nice having her there -
"This way I won't have a lot of time to think and depress myself."
"We'll have none of that!" she said with a smile and we talked all night long.
Came home and drew. Finished all but the ink of the picture for the Front Gate. Made the envelope for a letter I'm going to send. Took a nap ... knew Wednesday would be bad at work.

Wednesday. It was bad. Way to many tags. I was there until 2 o'clock. Then I had some shopping to do. I needed some Plaster Gauze for a project. Rent a movie I have yet to watch. Got some Food at Wendy's - How hard is it to remember to put cheese on a cheese burger and a double cheese burger? I know what happened ... "Cheeseburger only ketchup" became a plain burger with only ketchup. Still, if that was what I wanted wouldn't I have just ordered a hamburger?
Talked on line to Griffin for a bit. Then Pat also - who was coming over tonight to make a mold of my head (thus the plaster gauze).
Finally get off line and get caught on FreeCell. Broke 5800, had to turn the page over for hash marks. Phone rings. TAP asked if I would like to talk to a nursing group in June. No sweat.
Got into bed. Phone rings. TAP asked if I would like to speak at the Candle light AIDS Memorial vigil. I said yes, but now I'm nervous about that. I've never really considered myself an inspirational speaker (like the ones I've heard the past couple of years). It will have to be a more prepared speech kind of thing. I'm honored, I'm just at a loss.
When Pat came over he found me on the computer writing down a few ideas for the speech - it is after all in only about 10 days from now.
You wouldn't think that two straws up your nose and a head buried in plaster would be comfortable - but it was very relaxing. Our little experiment failed - but it was fun. (except for all the hair I ended up pulling out.) We hope to try again next week. The idea is to make a life cast of my head so I will be able to make masks for myself more easily. Jason and I tried this when I visit him in NY, but that didn't really work either. One day I will get this to work.
It's pay day. I really have to get the car in for a tune up - way over due for it's check up. I need to stop at the Dr.'s and have him look at my throat (been sore the past few days. Nothing bad but aggravating and I think it may be linked to my sinus problem). Should stop in at TAP and go over ideas for the Memorial and figure out how to aim my speech.

By The Way! Anyone within reach of Topeka on May 2nd should come to the Memorial. Here is your invitation. Come and remember everyone that has fallen in the fight against AIDS and support those of us that are still fighting.

I still have to ink that drawing. Write an article for the Decent Choices newsletter. Write the letter to go in the envelope I made. Side projects for other people too - no dead lines though. Got to watch the movie I rent - and the one Pat left me - plus what I record on TV tonight. Got to get a vacuum over here to clean up all this plaster on the carpet. Got to finish this gallon of milk before it expires in two days. Got to read the POZ with Shawn Decker on the cover (along with other cover people from the past five years. Like Moisés Agosto that I met when I was in NY for the POZ expo. - he did the seminar on HIV drugs). Got to read that POZ from several months ago with 10 easy steps to ease Neuropathy. Got to get the scanner working on this computer. Got to call my server about the things I have to consider if I decide to web cam. Got e-mail to answer (one even asking me about drug treatments that lean toward quality of life over quantity of life ... something I really believe in also). I've got to go to the bathroom .... brb'.

Love this song - Silver Chair 'Anthem for the year 2000'.
Where was I? - Oh, yeah, I have a lot of things to do. Things to get ready for. I may really have to spend more time in other parts of the computer and at the drawing table.
Got bills to pay tomorrow. Got to start exercising soon ... just sit ups - I can do it.
Oh! Rob Zombie 'Living Dead Girl'.

Got to go. ... time for work now.

9904.23

I was having a dream. I was getting ready to give a friend a blow job. I was conflicted about doing it, but he convinced me, in very shallow terms, that it was necessary. It boiled down to I was desperate. I opened his pants and found a book of stamps.
Do you thing this was my brain trying to tell me he was only going to stick it to me and send me away?
As funny as it sounds - this happened. Had the dream, had that thought when I woke up. The other thought I had was - Damn Alarm! because I was about to begin anyway.

Yesterday I went to the Dr. I am running a 99. somethingº fever. I'm on an antibiotic (Trovan), have a Dr.'s appointment next week to discuss everything (this, blood work and new drugs) and I'm supposed to spray saline in my nose. Slept for about 11 hours and went to work. Very boring day. After work went to Jiffy Lube. Then I watched the loaned movie while I ate. This and I go bed again.

Got the national Theme for the AIDS memorial. It actually tied a lot of my ideas together. At least now my ideas aren't random ramblings. I hope to wake up early enough to pay bills and maybe start the article I'm supposed to write. - if not, tough. I still have the weekend.

Goodnight.

9904.25

Had a long talk with Mother. She was about at her ropes end dealing with school stuff. Most of it from the Littleton incident. I grieve for the loss of life, especially life cut so short in a senseless and brutal fashion. What worries me about it more is all the fringe flack that is already coming down the pike. Things which have no relevant bearing on the incident but are being associated with it. These kids where off their hinges and into building bombs and playing with guns. I don't understand how this kind of behavior could escape the parents or the school faculty - but I'm sure it could happen.
However, because they wore black trench coats - they have been ban and kids suspended (nation wide)  for wearing them. I wear a black trench coat - I have for years. The fact that I still wear one does NOT mean I have no respect for the dead or their grieving families. I do. But I will not alter the way I dress here for them. If I were in Littleton, and might actually run into family members I would consider it. Chances are I would find other ways to express my sympathy. (Just as an example - Devin is burning candles in their memory.)
The idea that they where all Goth's bothers me also. Gives Goth's a bad name when 90% of them are all good people. 8% of them may be twisted but they are harmless. Then 2% go out and give the rest of us a bad name. I guess it lends to the gothic desire to remain misunderstood and perceived as a monster, so if any group could tolerate a bad name ... we could. (Yeah, I said we - Goth lite remember?)
Came home and got some sleep. Woke up early so I could go and see 'Saving Private Ryan'. Very good film. The war scenes are so real, I'm surprised no one has tried to blame that kind of film violence on incidences like Littleton. I almost feel like a vet after having seen this film. That kind of violence unhinged many a vet. Yet instead they are blaming movies they know that they watched (for some reason I keep hearing 'Basketball Diaries' coming up. I've seen that film. I can't remember anything particularly violent in it outside it's drug message. I can't think of a better movie to show why you should never do drugs. How did these kids watch it and decide to blow up a school? - they didn't. They choose one part of a movie and twisted it around to be what they wanted. They could have just as easily done it to 'Saving Private Ryan' or 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'.) and blaming everything but the core reason - Parents where absent and these kids where disturbed.
Came home and worked on my speech. I think it's coming along nicely.
Went to Devin's for cards. It was close all night long. I was ahead most of the game the first time but Devin won by less then a hundred points. The second game was equally close - in fact I was ahead until the very end. We each went over and hit 560 points exactly and had to play a tie breaking hand. I lost - again less then a hundred points though.
Oh well, as they say, if you play with fire - someone's nipples lose their hair :) Funniest accident I ever had with a lighter. By the way - I had the lighter, Devin had on a shirt and so did I. Yes, there was someone else there ... Dan was at work. Lets just say it's something he could talk about on Jerry Springer. 'nuff said.
Came home ... after a stop at XXX shop. Caught up on a lot of computer work. Vacuumed (once I figured out how to turn it on - note to all future husbands - I am housekeeping inept, deal with it) and cleaned up the plaster mess from Wednesday.
Bills are paid. Need to grocery shop, but I still have money to do it. Guess, I'll get to finishing that picture later. Food, movies - orgasm - bed time. X-Files tonight and I tell everyone that I expect to see them at the AIDS Memorial (This year I'm not giving them a choice of be there or watch X-Files. It'll be there and watch the tape later or stay at home and watch it).

9904.26

I will not be nervous about being on TV to make people aware of the AIDS Candlelight Memorial.
Thank the Gods my boss understands the importance of this to me and will let me be late on Wednesday (tag day).
Remember to call the reporter and ask what kind of information I will need to have with me.
I will not be nervous about being on TV - I will not be nervous about being on TV - I'll just keep saying that - I will not be nervous about being on TV - I will not be nervous about being on TV.

9904.29

I wasn't that nervous. I did my research. I had the information I needed. I watched the show the day before so I could see what the show was like and who the people where. Stella Thurkill and Kate Blatherwick  (Who's names I use because they are TV broadcast personalities) where both very nice and helpful in getting me to relax. What helped more then anything else was friendly faces behind the cameras.
I had friends that worked at channel 49 before. They have since moved on and I haven't had much contact with the station. I don't typically watch the news (It's mostly depressing). The station had moved to a new location (actually closer to my home) so it wasn't at all familiar. But as I was waiting to get set up, a face from my past walked by. We hadn't really seen each other since College. We said hi, but he was obviously busy preparing to be on-air in less then 10 minutes. I was told to take a seat on the set. Then a giant figure from my past came around the corner. Someone that I have actually seen and talked to frequently over the years. Someone that not only was a bit instrumental in my coming out - he introduced me to Shawn McGee. He put the mike on me and assured that everything would be just fine.
"Don't look at the camera." he said. "Give Kate all of your attention. It's just like if you where at a party and you are having a conversation in the corner." Can't thank him enough for telling me things I already knew but needed to hear again. He was the 'chin up' pat on the back I needed. I did my sound checks and then watched the news begin. It was really weird to watch the TV and hear the noise coming from the other room. After the first couple of stories Kate came over and sat down with me. She began to ask me a few questions to clarify things while she tried to get her mike on. It was almost like the interview had started before it was on the air. I got comfortable talking to her before they cued us on-air. Thank you for that.
I didn't stutter ... much. I think I answered the questions fully and fairly. It still kills me that after all I do, they asked if it was alright to mention that I'm HIV positive on the air. Which we did talk about briefly and then moved on the Candlelight AIDS Memorial. It's 16th year. I mentioned the Theme of the memorial, and that my speech kind of outlines it and I hope makes it clearer (By the way that Theme is 'Building Global Solidarity against Injustice and Fear for a world without AIDS.').
"Any last thoughts?" Kate asked. I took the opportunity to invite anyone that wanted to attend. Common misconception is that this event is only for someone that has personally experienced a loss from AIDS. It isn't. It's for anyone that wants to show respect for the lives we have lost globally to AIDS.
I was then off the air. I was thanked quickly as Kate had to 'rush' back to the other set for the rest of the news cast. Everyone was busy making TV happen. I had work to do myself. At the front desk I left a note saying that I would like a dub of the program (I'd like to have a copy for my friends to see) and then went to work.
Tag day. Fortunately, I was only about 20 minutes behind. I got to work. I still fell behind, and was rushing to get out of there by 1:30 so I could be at the Dr.'s by 1:45. We checked over my sore throat, etc. Went over the Genotyping test. Evidently my Virus is immune to nothing ('sensitive' to everything and 'indeterminate' to one of the PI's, I can't remember which). That leaves treatment wide open. We talked about what he recommended. I saw no fault in the logic. We are going to start a non-PI regiment with a drug I have had, and a new drug that just came out. No PI's because of the very controversial issue of 'once you start them you can never stop them' something which has come under fire lately - but he felt it best to hold PI's off as long as possible at this time. The drug I have had Combivir (the AZT, 3TC combination pill. One twice a day). The drug I haven't been on - I pick it up today and I can't remember the name of it now - I want to say Bachovir. It falls into the Non-Nucleoside Reverse Transcriptase Inhibitors (NNRTI) family of drugs like Viramune and Sustiva. He warned me of some iffy side effects and their dangers and what he wanted me to do in case they happened (small percentage of people had the problem, but it is, if handled wrong, - potentially lethal). The warning was - you can develop a 'flu' from this as an allergic reaction to the drug. DO NOT STOP TAKING THE DRUG - CALL ME IMMEDIATELY. Reason - it is an allergic reaction that develops. It needs to be assessed to see if you may ride it out and become immune, or if you need to discontinue the drug. If you stop the drug - you can't go back. If you do the allergic reaction is there and now can be lethal.
I'll read up on it when I pick it up tomorrow and call him with any other concerns before I start them. Considering the possible side effects I think I'll start them Monday afternoon.
Ran some errands. One was to stop by TAP where I walked into a round of applause (puh-lease! Give me a break) for being on TV that morning. It was a great opportunity, though I'm not sure how many people are watching the news at 6am. We'll see. Since I've told the X-Files crew they don't have a choice about showing up and have many others saying they will be there, we might get quite the crowd.
I hope I don't botch this up.
Rent a movie came home and went to bed. Now I'm going to watch said movie (Future Sport with Dean Cain) with some popcorn before work. Possible that I will be seeing Matrix with Dave this afternoon - sweet!
Then back to all the work I have to do.

9904.30

This one's going to be long folks.
When I left the TV interview they gave me back TAP's video tape of last years Ceremony. Before returning it I watched it again. It was still wonderful. It still moved me. I was able to copy down the Pagan Earth Circle's Mythic story that I liked so much (I'll put it up here in a minute). The only 'bad' thing that I thought happened, and was personal, was immortalized on the tape (yeah, the butterfly that didn't). Anyway - I was so moved by last years speeches again - I decided I had to rewrite mine.
To much began to happen then - I never did get to the rewrite. Maybe that was the worlds way of telling me to leave it be.
I opened e-mail. Got this one. (this will take some time to read, but it is well worth it - as you'll see in my reply).

Read 'em in order, top to bottom...

http://slashdot.org/articles/99/04/22/2136230.shtml
http://slashdot.org/articles/99/04/25/1438249.shtml
http://slashdot.org/features/99/04/27/0310247.shtml
http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=99/04/29/0124247&mode=flat&threshold=0

To which I replied -

Thanks for the articles. They really helped me - and I hope will help Mother (Who I printed them out for). I gave them to her because she felt she was powerless to help her kids understand what happened. She spent hours talking and crying with the students. Many that even came from other classes just to talk to her. When I gave the articles to her I said, "Because you have already stopped something like Columbine from happening here. For me, and for your kids now."
I think, even though I have been putting it back on the web, I had forgotten how bad school was for me. If not for my Mom telling me it's all right to be different and friends like Marc (who proved her right)- the violent images in my early journals could easily have become more real.

Thanks again.

I'm reminded of something else. A teacher once told me he though most Teen suicides where caused by a common miss quote from adults. That "these are the best times of your life."
"Kids have problems." I remember him saying. "Sometimes they seem endless, and life shattering. Then they hear this, and they figure if this is the best it can get ... and they end it. What adults don't remember is how life shattering even the slightest snub was. How any problem was as if the world had just fallen on their shoulders. What they remember are the times they laughed, from stupid pranks, or having just made a friend or solved a problem. Again, not the best of times - but they remember them that way. Why? Because these aren't the best times of your life - they are the most intense times of your life. Humans have a tendency to remember the best of times - when they felt the best - in order to measure their misery today. Back then was the most intense happiness, even though it was only a moment in a world of problems."
This only emphasizes the idea to me that this vast over reaction out of ignorance is only making the problem worse. Our very fear of something is forcing it into reality. I also have to agree that irresponsible media has spread the fear and over reaction. Even the most professional of news teams become no more then 'Tabloid hacks' when they report on the ignorance without an effort to eliminate it.
Talking to someone at work. Obviously the kids that caused this slaying needed help. They are in no way justified in doing what they did - but it is understandable.
Think of it like this - a woman is raped. It's a very traumatic event that leaves mental scars most likely for life. The rapist gets out of jail. She is terrified at the possibilities this offers. The rapist was actually rehabilitated, and wants to apologize. He goes to her house. She sees him - she kills him.
Who's the victim? People seem able to understand this situations gray areas better then the ones presented in the Columbine shootings - but they are similar. It's all gray areas - not black trench coats.

Okay, the story that the Pagan Earth Circle told. It's a celebration of Life and Love called, "The Beat of Life goes on." (I'm guessing at the spelling of the lead characters names)

Danu was a child of the She and beloved to the Gods. She rejoiced in the change of the seasons, Dancing in the summer sun. But as Autumn came on and the flowers died and the trees went to sleep, she grew sad. The Gods so loved Danu that they said,
"Let's give her a gift to restore her happiness."
Soon after Danu grew big, her belly increasing in size. Then on the longest night of the year she brought forth a child, and named him Lucgh, which means the shining one.
Danu and Lucgh were so happy they danced in the spring sunshine. Lucgh brought his mother flowers and showered her with kisses.
Then one day Lucgh was chasing a butterfly through the fields when he fell down and could not get back up.
"What is wrong my son?" Danu asked and Lucgh replied,
"I am dying."
Danu laid him on a bed of soft autumn leaves and washed his body with her tears.
"Why must you die?" she said. Lucgh only smiled at her and closed his eyes. His spirit passed quietly into the summer lands.
Danu was inconsolable. She wept for days. When there were no more tears to weep she cried out to the Gods,
"Why? Why did you give me this man child?" and the Gods answered her,
"We gave you the child to make you happy, for you are our favorite one."
"Then why?" she cried, "Why did you take him away?"
"We took him away so that you may learn." came the answer.
"What can I learn from this pain and sorrow?"
"You can learn of life. For to have joy you must have sorrow. And to appreciate life you must also experience death."
"But his death was so meaningless." Danu sobbed.
"No death  is meaningless if a persons life is filled with love. Just as the wheel of the year turns and you were shrouded in snow, so to will come the spring. For in death there is always rebirth. And even though Lucgh has passed into the summer lands he still lives on as long as he is in your heart. His spirit is ever reborn in your memory."
As the winter snows melted and gave way to the spring rains, Danu took the pain and the sorrow she carried within her and buried it in the fertile earth. She watered it with her tears and then sat back and waited. The spring sun shone down on the the spot and soon a green shoot sprang up from the earth. It grew and grew until it blossomed into a bush of beautiful flowers. Danu smelled the fragrant blossoms and looked at the delicate colors and a smile touched her heart. She knew the bright flowers would ever remind her of Lucgh and she would smile in delight. At last she understood the lesson the Gods had given her. She waved her hands over the bush and the blossoms all took wing and became bright colored butterflies. As they flew away Danu knew they were dispersing her Love and her Hope and a little of her sorrow to all the children of the She, and the world, so they to could learn the lessons of life and death, rebirth and Love.

I still have the cardboard pyramid they handed out. When it came time to release the butterfly, my friend helped me open the pyramid. I felt bad, but our butterfly had laid against the wall as his wings dried. One was folded, and he could no longer fly. I guess I didn't mention that last year, because I didn't want to put a personal damper on what I still felt was a beautiful and moving evening. My friend took the butterfly home with him - hoping to give him a home in his plants for his last days. I'll have to ask him what happened to that butterfly.

Reread last years entries about the memorial - still think I might re-write that speech. Got to sleep now. I'm going to call Jason later tonight so we can talk. Want to read him the speech, since he can't be here for it, and get his feedback. Catch up on life in general.

© 1999 April (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)