March '99

Š 1999 March (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

So my quest continues. I've said my peace but of course it isn't done. Like Ally McBeal I will obsess over something until I have beaten it into the ground and call it resolved - even though it really isn't ... it's just beaten into the ground.
This isn't so much a problem as it is just ... unresolved. I started to give some advise that I have trouble following. Reason vs. Emotion. Things you Know are true or right, yet don't Feel that way.
Oh hell, here's what I wrote -

I'm still caught by the phrase that was said by the young man at the panel discussion during Pride week. He said that he was absolutely terrified by HIV and AIDS - but was now seeing someone that is HIV+. And he said something to the effect of 'Love can overlook the virus.'
With my own recent discovery of exactly when and who I contracted the virus from my faith in 'Safe Sex' was restored. Because now I know it wasn't a condom that failed me - it was misplaced trust. It was in fact not that I wasn't practicing safe sex - it was that I was practicing a misconception in safe sex. That misconception was trust.
We did talk about HIV and AIDS. We did confess our sexual histories, and our medical histories. We both assured each other that we did not have the virus. I was sure I was not at risk even if I didn't use a condom. I trust him. Since he also participate in the unsafe acts, he trust me.
Here is the problem with that trust. I hadn't been tested in many months - I had fallen off my routine of regular tests. He had not been tested. He didn't know (for that matter either did I really - the test tells if the virus is in the system at the time of the test. Even then it may take up to six months for the virus to show up in the system strong enough to test. Thus a negative result means you did not have the virus six months ago - not you don't have it now). I couldn't tell by looking (no one can). I can't say if he really knew or even suspected that he was infected - I trusted that he wasn't.

Trust can be a very powerful thing. I have told others that safe sex includes Trust, but it can't rely on it (which is what I thought at the time). Do not Trust that your partner is not infected - Know it. Get tested - know your history - be honest about it and your actions. Know your intents and your partners.
If you are participating in sex with out condoms and all other safe guidelines you had better Know your partner is uninfected - Know they haven't come into contact with anything that may transmit the virus - Know that they are being Monogamous - and Know that you are following all the same guidelines. Don't trust that it is happening - Know it.
It all goes back to the best advise I ever did hear, and have followed.

Treat Everyone as if they are infected with the virus -
and don't do anything that you can't live with.

I can live with the decisions I have made. I can live with my mistakes. I can live with the virus.

Now, can I find someone that understands that - knows I will do everything not to share the virus with them - but is still willing to 'risk' loving me.
Problem is 'Safe Sex' only refers to the physical part of it. There is no protection from the rest of it.

I'm very tired - so this will be quick.
Felt the baby kick. Got her convinced it's twins. Very flattered - but why do people feel the need to tell you how they feel about you being gay? Very long day. Finally hungry - still not feeling tired but I am. Can't think, feel scattered. Last day for the Neilson TV diary. Graphics program won't do what I want it to. Made appointment to be a test subject for hearing loss in HIV/AIDS on Saturday. Going to sleep now.

"You're in your late 20's right?"
"Early 30's." I replied wondering where this was going.
"You're single right?"
"Yes." This must be a joke.
"You want to meet a nice girl?"
"I'm gay." I said. He went on to explain - actually I was quite flattered that he thought enough of me to want to introduce me to someone he thought was special and deserved more then she was getting. As I said to him this is one time I was almost sorry that I was gay.
Just when I thought I was going to escape it - it came.
"You know, backing up to what you said earlier, I'm a Christian -"
I can just give you the formula here -
I believe 'this' (any religion or experience) -that includes the teaching that gay is wrong
BUT - I have met X number of gay people and 'liked' them
NOW even though I still believe 'this' I think you are 'okay'
Elaborate with heart felt story about loving someone despite their faults
Lastly - add the phrase "I'm okay with knowing that about you." in some form.

Personally, I judge people by there actions (and reactions). Why is it that when people find out you are gay they feel that you have just opened up a major part of your soul and they feel it very important to tell you that they feel that even though they think it's wrong they can over look it (and I'll prove it by telling you about the last gay person I knew). It's almost comical.
Remember when I wrote about the guy that said I must be having women problems and I said it was men problems, but the same bag of worms? That conversation ended with the same thing (remember what I wrote was a combination of two conversations - the one that had that was followed by the same formula answer I gave above. Instead of starting with "I'm Christian" it began "I grew up in a small town but when I was in the military")
I'd settle for the response, "Okay."
It says the same thing and is much shorter. Of course now 'we' expect the speech and if we don't get it we think they aren't 'Okay with it'. Kind of a weird catch 22 isn't it?

I forgot to turn the answering machine on. Got a phone call. Talked for a while. Went back to sleep. Got another phone call. No one ever calls me unless I forget to turn the answering machine on and I'm asleep. Woke up - wrote a poem - watched TV - wrote this.
Thinking about going back to bed.
Lately sleep and eat have been really weird.

Tomor -today actually, I have an appointment for lunch ... with an e-mail friend - that I have never met in person (even though he lives and works in this city). I only talked to him briefly on the phone (I had to call him at work to arrange lunch and he was busy) but we have been corresponding for the last few months. I mention it because ... I think I'm nervous.
I'm going to be so self conscious and I know I shouldn't be. We've talked about it once before. Through e-mail and even on the phone it's nothing - not even a factor. Not until I met him and stand next to him and the wheelchair.
Isn't that such a stupid concern? That something I already know about a person that I know is making me nervous just because I haven't yet physically dealt with it? Did that sentence make any sense at all?
Quit while you're a head. Go back to bed.

All the way back - mentioned I felt the babies kick. I never did say what that meant. Well, obviously it meant that I felt the baby(s) kick. What was so amazing about it is that I had never felt a baby kick before. It just amazes me that women have this gift to carry a life within them. I have mentioned that the blonde I work with is pregnant haven't I? Well she is. Family has a history of twins - I keep telling her she has twins (a boy and a girl). Even though the sonograms still only show one baby (legs crossed, can't tell the sex yet) she feels some kicking on both sides - at the same time. She's beginning to think I may be right. It's odd that I have been following all the news of her pregnancy. I guess I've just never really been able to watch one happen from beginning to end.

Above mentioned lunch with an e-Friend. That lunch didn't happen yet. Oddly enough, I'm not nervous about the wheel chair anymore. I think the fact that I went the first time got me to realize that it was a stupid concern. Now I'm just concerned about actually meeting the guy. I'm sure he is just like his letters - it's just a fear of the unknown.
Oh, what happened! I went to his work to get him for Lunch. I only knew his name, I wasn't sure what part of the building he was in. I asked the security guard in the lobby. He was with out a doubt the least helpful person I have ever run into. He in fact told me that if I didn't know where I was supposed to go, that I must have the wrong building and suggested another one to go to. What annoyed me most was that he never even put his newspaper down and only looked at me over his reading glasses. A bit at a loss on what to do next - I searched my pockets for the work number he had given me. I didn't have it on me. I went home and found it and then called him to let him know what had happened. Unfortunately he had other plans coming up soon, so I couldn't just go back. We have arranged to try again this week. Monday or Thursday depending on my schedule. This time we are going to met at the restaurant.

Hearing test. It was actually a lot of fun. More difficult then I imagined. The tests where not only designed to test my hearing but how I process some information. I learned that I listen with my right ear. There was this test where they play two different nonsense sentences at the same time - in different ears. It reminded me very much of a situation where you have two people talking at the same time and you are trying to hear both. I was supposed to identify which sentence I heard in which ear. What I ended up trying to do was ignore the right ear and try to catch at least the last word of the left ear sentence. Still had a hard time. She tells me that I missed almost all of the left ear sentences but missed only one of the right ear. I've always known my attention is very focused - I can't do two things at once. TV often snags me and my friends voices will just sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. That is why I often mute the TV when talking to people unless they are watching it with me. Now I also know that I should sit them on my right side if I want them to over ride the TV. Just one interesting thing I learned from the tests.
The woman doing the tests and I actually talked a long time about many things relating to the tests. Something we didn't talk about but I was realizing on the way home was the words I said. Many of the tests would ask me to say a word. The word was coming in distorted in one way or another and I was just supposed to make my best guess on what the word was if it wasn't clear. Much like the concept behind people that hear different words in music because the subconscious fills in the words that aren't clear (My favorite example is the way the chorus 'Crimson and Clover' is often heard as 'Christmas is over')- I realized I was doing that also. Kind of disturbed me on the way home when I realized that I was confusing either the word 'dodge' or 'depth' with 'death'. I wonder what some of the other interesting word switches I came up with.
Oddly enough she was a bit concerned about being able to get enough test volunteers to be able to complete her study. Her biggest problem was agencies like TAP not helping her contact possible volunteers. It all comes back to agencies trying to 'respect the clients privacy'. It also came up when she told me that I didn't actually have to sign my name to the release form if I thought it would compromise my privacy. I'm glad she went out of her way to make me feel as comfortable as possible with what the information gathered was to be used for - but please! I should still have to sign a consent form just to show that I know what is going on and to cover her butt. I related it to being in the closet - really you have to respect the ones in hiding, but have to encourage them to come out. Once you are out you might have a rough moment or two, but you find that it really isn't the terrible world you thought it was.
On a related note - had lunch with my Mom today. She mentioned that it looks like some new laws will be passed that will allow the government to collect the names of all HIV/AIDS cases (sick or not). Personally I have no problem with this. I can see what they want to do with it (on both the best and worst case scenario) but it is a self damaging move. As I told my mother, if you want to hide - you will hide. If you shine a light and look for them in the dark - they will just hide deeper in the cracks where you will not find them. If you want to find HIV and AIDS cases you can't hunt them down - you must encourage them to volunteer to come out. You have to do it by assuring them that they will not be punished - ridiculed - ostracized - harmed - hunted ... ONLY helped. No one is making this effort at this time. Thus they are only shooting themselves in the foot here. If they want to be able to more effectively trace infections rates and get valid numbers for the spread of the epidemic, this is only going to make it harder to do so. People will hide from them. It's wrong, it isn't necessary, but it will happen.
Once people realize that the infected society is so large maybe it would change. I think as a group we are probably as large as any political group. We may in the very near future (if not already) actually be a majority. Then what? We will still be viewed as a minority but politicians and advertisers will target us hard. It's almost like a civil rights movement all over again.

I did not go out last night. I slept through it. I woke up Saturday morning about ... 10:30pm Friday. After work I drove to Lawrence for the hearing test. I thought about staying there to catch 'Afflicted' at Liberty Hall but it only had a show at 9:30pm. I wasn't going to stick around Lawrence that long. I drove home and thought about catching a movie - but missed everything that started around 4pm. I then came home and piddled on the computer until I realize it was 6pm and I was still up. I called Devin and told him that I would probably not be over for cards, unless he saw me out and we talked about it there. When he asked me why I said,
"Because I'm not just waking up - I'm still up." He bid me a good night - especially when we realized that I couldn't even tell what day it was. I'm supposed to go and watch him take his white belt test tonight. When I asked him when it was (6pm) I said,
"Wait, we are already late."
"Tomorrow! Not today."
"Right Sunday, but it's already 6:03 and ... it's not Sunday is it? Good night."
I then also called Dave and told him I wouldn't be over that night. I told him I would try again on Sunday afternoon since I would most likely be awake all day (and I am).
Unfortunately, I missed the window between Church (which I did remember) and bowling (which I had forgotten about). At least I did get to talk to him again. I guess I should have gone over there and then gone to the movie instead of trying it the other way around. My loss.
8MM was really good though.
God, I'm rambling like I was then. I forgot the point I was trying to make, which was that I went to sleep at 6:30pm and set the alarm for 10:30pm so I could go out. The alarm went off - I woke up - turned it off - went back to bed - woke up at 4:00am. Well, at least for the first time in a week I got 8 hours of sleep in a row.

Well, just about time to go to Devin's test. I don't think I've talked about the night Devin's room mate and I went out to dinner and complained to each other about Valentines day. Devin left out a lot of very important details about him 'Storming out of the house'. Lets just say that he and I had very similar days. I think we got a bit closer in the talk. I had fun that night.
Enough, I have to go or I'll be late.

No sleep or sleep to much. Just finished a 12 hour nap. Except for when Doctor got a bit impatient about food (and I woke up to feed him rather then have him walking all over me) I slept the whole time.

Monday was hectic so I still haven't met my local e-Friend for lunch. I got home about a quarter to two. Sat at the computer for awhile (and didn't really accomplish anything) and got to bed by 4pm.

Nothing of note happening really. I got a call from the Dr.'s office wanting me to come in for lab work. My appointment isn't for another three weeks so it makes me wonder. I'll talk to them about it when I go in tomorrow. I also have this ache in my chest I want to talk to them about. I thought it was a kink in my back but it hasn't gone away.
I have been invited back to speak to the KDH. It's on the 25th. I'll let you know how that goes. I think I'll try to prepare a bit more. Write down things I really want to mention so I don't forget them.
Did I mention a quest came to an end a few days ago? I've been looking for a copy of two movies now for the longest time. I found one of them. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern still eludes me - out of print like the other one. But - the other one was just re-released. I now own 'The Hitcher'.
Sunday dinner, it was only Leah, Devin and Dan (Devin's room mate). Leah mentioned the Purity test - I grabbed my hard copy and we ended up reading through a lot of it over dinner again. This time the staff borrowed the test and made a copy for themselves :)

Nothing has really happened.
I went to met my e-mail friend for lunch yesterday. We miss-communicate again and missed each other. We are now 0 for 2. I get the feeling something in the world is trying to keep us apart.
I still had a nice time downtown.

So much to write about.
I don't think I've had a more enjoyable night. Got a message to call Mike in California. Talked to him for about an hour. Finally made it over to Dave's house (I've been trying for months). Got the tour of the house and then sat around and talked for hours. I didn't even go to the bar (I was there that late). After skipping the bar, because it would have only been open for another 30 minutes, I went to Devin's to play cards. I stayed there until I took him to work at 7:00am. For the record - he kicked my ass bad. I was in negative points the first half of the game.

After that last entry I started to play FreeCell and have an imaginary conversation. You should know by now that I have those frequently. The conversation was with someone I work with. I'll call him Bob for the purpose of writing this down.
"What are you doing?" Bob asked.
"Playing FreeCell."
"What's the point of the game?" he inquired.
"To use the free cells to move the cards until they are stacked in order on the aces above."
"Couldn't you put that card there and free that ace?"
"Yes, but I don't want to. It would free the black ace and I want to free a red ace next."
"Why?" he asked confused.
"Because I like the way it works better. It's more organized, more of a challenge, suits my sense of aesthetics better."
"But it's not in the rules?" he verified.
"No."
"Wouldn't it be easier to do that?"
"Maybe, but life isn't easy sometimes. It's like making a moral decision - not always easy but better in the long run."
"What are you talking about? Moral decisions are easy. They are the only choice." Bob said indignantly.
"No they aren't. Moral decisions are always complex and gut wrenching because it is the conflict of what you know is right vs. what you really feel or want to do."
"No they aren't!" Bob insisted. "God said that you do it - then you do it. No conflict."
"I'm sorry. If that is the way you feel I can only conclude you have never really been tempted."
"Yes I have."
"Then you would know that making the moral decision is not easy - it's just the right decision. You can do what is wrong, but you will pay for it one way or another. You can still win the game of life by not playing by the rules. But you have a better game if you do."

I brought the subject up at work later. I asked if they thought moral decisions where easy. Most agreed with me that if the temptation was actually strong - no they aren't. But many also added that they had to learn that the hard way. Then somehow I got involved in a real discussion with Bob that involved religion. It of course started out that he believes my life style is wrong - but since he knows me he knows that I am a good person.
"What many don't realize is that I can't , and won't, judge you. Those decisions that you made you will answer for in front of God." Actually, a valid point. One that I pointed out to him I enthusiastically agree with (I think that shocked him). I pointed out that even in my own beliefs I will answer for my mistakes - me and only me. It isn't anyone's place to judge me except the creators. I told him that I believe everyone has free will and thus must answer for his decisions. Because I believe in that, I also believe that choice is a major factor in everyone's life - as well as taking responsibility for those choices.
Somehow that got turned into a question of abortion. (This is the second time he's done this with me) He of course is Pro-life. He spout off for several minutes about how abortion is murder and the killing of an innocent unborn life. I just kept nodding, after all I agree with him. Then I think I shocked him again.
"I consider myself pro-choice. My personal choice would be like yours. I do think abortion is wrong under the common practice of it being a retro-active Birth control. It isn't. I think there should be much more extensive pre and post counseling involved. Birth control should be widely available so that unplanned pregnancies can be stopped. Abortion isn't birth control. It is the killing of a life. It should be a gut wrenching decision to be made. Most of those that have had one will agree. I do believe that a pregnancy should be seen to term in every case except those that will incur serious medical problems to either the child or the mother."
"Or in the case of rape." he added.
"No, even in the case of rape. Adoption is an option if you can't or won't keep the baby. There are to many families out there full of love that want children. Even a child conceived in hate can grow up in a home of love and lead a full and fruitful life free of any resentment that may be carried by the birth mother."
"How can you say all this and still consider yourself pro-choice?"
"Because I believe in free will. Choice is a factor in everything - not just certain things. My big problem with the Pro-life movement is that most do not realize that life is a gift - not a right to be legislated."
He asked me to consider what the world would be like if Mrs. Salk had an abortion (Jonas Salk was the creator of the Polio vaccine) to which I countered 'What if Mrs. Hitler did?'. He tried to say that we could have quite possibly killed the cure for cancer in an abortion. I countered that I couldn't believe a man that believed 'God has a plan' would believe that God would place an important discovery in a particular unborn child rather then grant it to human kind when he felt it was time. If Mrs. Salk had an abortion then Mr. Smith would be hailed as the man that found the cure for polio. The same as he allowed Hitler to be born and rise to power. He knows it serves a higher purpose in the long run. (What stumped him again was my reply when he gave me his view of why God 'allowed' Hitler. It was a very ego-religious view - that god was punishing a people that didn't believe in him as they should, and that he spared enough of them to show his compassion so that they could again flourish. Anyway, I then said 'Right, God had a plan. The Evil of Hitler had a higher purpose. Same thing I said, only I didn't make a judgement against the Jews. I only said that it taught Humanity a lesson. We just learned different things from the lesson it would seem. You learned to love God. I learned Love all mankind and that Good can't be seen unless it is compared to evil.') The discussion had to be broken up then by work. I wondered off then thinking,
"All of that started with him asking me if it bothered me not to be seen as 'normal'." which for any that may not have guessed - No, it doesn't bother me in the least. Later I thought it odd that I would have imagined a deep philosophical / religious discussion with him - then actually have one ... on a similar topic at that.

Treat myself to a movie a few days ago. 'Wing Commander'. If not for the 'Star Wars' preview in front of it I would have felt completely robbed. It was a terrible movie. However, I'm about ready to wet my pants waiting for 'Star Wars'! Want to see - want to see - Want to see NOW!

One last really cool thing. It's the Sunday before Inventory ... and I'm sitting here. I thought my Boss was kidding when I asked if he wanted me to come in and he said no. I'm not going to argue about it though. I did tell him I would stop in and check on Damaged. If I could I would clock in long enough to do enough to send it back on the Sunday night truck. If not I'd just count and work it on Monday.

Has a lot of big names on the cover. Chris Rock and Tom Hanks are the only two I can remember at the moment. All are holding a sign with one word on it.
THE FOUR LETTER WORD - And you can tell the cover is folded and there is the corner of another sign. You open it up and see more of the same picture - the words continue
WE ALL FORGOT ABOUT - then the type informs you that AIDS is NOT under control and is about to reach epic proportions.

Well, except for the fact that AIDS is already an epidemic - it is a very effective add. Proud to have seen it. Glad it's on the cover of a popular magazine.

AFRAID OF
DYING?

"NO!" I said ripping the Lutheran Church's Easter Invitation off of my door. It was such an obnoxious thing - Lime green in a plastic bag around my door knob. I had no reason to read on but I did. I had to consider, what if my answer had been 'Yes'.

JESUS SAID,

"I AM THE
RESURRECTION & THE
LIFE. HE WHO
BELIEVES IN ME WILL
LIVE, EVEN THOUGH
HE DIES.
DO YOU BELIEVE
THIS?"
JOHN 11:25-26

Now I'm really stumped. I mean this is no help at all. If I answered 'yes' first and 'yes' again then I would be a liar (If I believed it, then I wouldn't be afraid of dying). If I answered 'no' and 'no' then there is still no point to this - it's just trash (unless like me you just want to rant about it a while ... then throw it away). If you answered 'no' then 'yes' why do you need to go to the service? You already believe. You were probably going anyway - it's trash. If you answered 'yes' then 'no' then maybe you would consider going - but I doubt it. What would they say to change your mind? You are afraid and you don't believe. Maybe they would make you feel comfortable and except the faith - but chances are your answer will only change to 'yes' and 'yes'.
Just to be mean I grabbed my Bible and looked up the passage - I wanted to see what the answer was. Loosely paraphrased she (Martha) said, "Of course I do, but my brother (Lazarus) is still dead." I guess she could deal with dying herself - but not with anyone else dying. What kind of help is that?

I'm done now. I don't want to really piss anybody off. I was just annoyed by some trash on my door.

I wish I had an excuse. I wish I had a reason. I don't.
There are things I've let slide (like computer time - e-mail especially) for no reason at all. I just don't feel like it. It's like I wish they where here rather then so many electronic blips away. I just don't feel like being here. Can't sleep well. I eat, but I'm never hungry. I feel lost - a bit apathetic.
Can't figure out if it's just that I haven't been eating well (lots of junk food). Maybe I'm just a bit burned out at work or even here at the computer. Maybe it's the start of spring fever. Maybe it's something else I'm over looking.

I really liked 'Pleasantville'. Saw it with Jen last night. Went for a walk. Came home ate, went back to bed. I'll do the same thing tonight.

And just where are these dreams coming from?
He was a bank robber - I saw the whole thing. They drove away in an ambulance as the police arrived. I told them everything and they wouldn't believe me. Blamed me, accused me instead. I couldn't believe justice was so blind. Then he came - all in black leather. He was there to beat me into silence. Didn't matter that the police didn't believe me. He had a job to do - nothing personal - he had to do it. His freedom was at stake. I cried - I begged for him not to do it. He raised his fist as he held me sobbing against the wall. Then kissed me. We made love in the alley behind the bank. He was about my height but muscular - bald - very sensuous. It seemed to last for hours. Positions I could only dream about. He smelled like Zam. When he was done, he warned me to be silent - but he would be back.

I was spared soiled sheets but I woke up and relived the sex in the shower. Doing it with an ambulance driving bank robber at the scene of the crime.
What does it mean? Why did I have it? Why do I care?

Then I got another bloody nose. I've had several in the past week. Gushers that just don't want to stop right away. Takes three or four tissue to get them to stop. Don't like them. Always seems to happen - usually at the beginning of winter though (when all the moisture leaves the air). It'll pass - but not soon enough for my tastes.

I was returning records he borrowed from me (Try and explain the logic in that - yes, I'm describing another weird dream. Btw' 'he' in this sentence refers to my brothers best friend in grade and middle school). He was having a party at the time. I kept stumbling around because the floor of the house was all sand. Oddly enough you had to enter the house through the fire pit. If I didn't hit my head on the large stone "chimney" then I was stumbling in the sand-like ash. I tried to stack the records in the uneven sand, but they kept sliding around. I heard a familiar laugh. There was Marc in a lawn chair with a boat drink and women all around him.
"It's a party, you duffus!" He said laughing. "Relax."
Marc was the only person at this party that I knew. I wasn't invited. I never even saw the guy I was returning the records to. I decided to lean back and try to enjoy the party - why shouldn't I stay.

Then a peculiar monologue broke in. The couples stood by the fire looking up to the beautiful night sky and the voice said,
"But this was the night the rain fell between the stars," and it began to rain
"The night was magic and only a few saw the light." and the sky began to shimmer and half pointed.
"Then is when the story began." Couples embraced, some kissed. The ones that had pointed at the light - then turned into Zombies and ate their lovers.
This began a blind panic. Most ran - some tried to stand and fight, but the Zombies where undead and just kept eating - rending - tearing - killing.
I left the party. Everywhere I went it was the same. Zombies began to rule the world. You could walk among them without knowing. Something would always clue them in, a chase would begin. I would run from mobs of Zombies. I remember being chased through libraries, colleges, malls, town halls. I found that the Zombies where not brainless. You could talk to them - talk, not reason. They where smart. There was one older woman that seemed to be the one that I ran from the most. She was smart. She always seemed to know where I was running to. I would take off running and she would go a different direction then show up in front of me. It was a pattern that I noticed and was going to take advantage of.
I was in an auditorium. I was talking to her - I can't remember about what. Then I took off running. The whole auditorium emptied out after me. In the street I saw her. I took off running and I saw her leave in a different direction. It was my plan to change where I was originally going to go - not be where she was running to. But she was still smarter - she had others following me. Another group was blocking the path I wanted to take. It was going to happen anyway - I was being corralled. Then I saw a door that wasn't being blocked. I ran into it.
It was a church. The congregation was made up of children. I sat down with them - with an idea. The Zombies converged on the church. They threatened to eat us all. They entered - they stopped and began to shriek. They couldn't enter a house of God. I said a quick thank you and then leaned back in the pew and view the beautiful stain glass windows.

Okay - the over all theme of this dream is obvious to me. I think it is telling me to look to my faith to solve some of my problems. Children in dreams generally represent new ideas. What I'm not positive about is what problem(s) I'm running from or need help with.

You may ask why do I keep writing about my dreams? If you don't - ... I don't care that's what I'm going to answer. Because there is nothing of note to write about in my real life and my dreams have been so strange lately.

Letters to Fritz.
My old history teacher Mr. Goehring made an appearance in my dream. I was in class (it was a very informal meeting - very unlike his class) and after talking about comic books and our favorite heroes, he had a voluntary assignment. Not many were interested because it was voluntary. Enthusiasm didn't increase when he told us how much extra credit it was - like 10 points (that's nothing when a test is 100 points). Interest dropped off completely when he mentioned what the assignment was.
"I want someone to write letters to Fritz. I'm Fritz by the way. All that you know about me is that I am a loyal German during W.W.II. That how ever also means that in order to write to me - you must be a loyal German in support of Hitler and his plans."
Be a loyal German? A Nazi no less! No one wanted the assignment. Not for 10 points. Everyone went back about doing their thing. Don't ask me why - I was welding something under the desk. He begged.
"It's a great way to research the time and the people. It's interactive. It's a great way to understand the hate. Those of you that read the end product will be able to relive it and understand the war better." The class room was buzzing with talk. Why understand the Nazi's? Can't we write as someone that is against the war? -No changing the assignment-
"Okay." I was a lone voice in the buzz. Everyone stopped to see who would want to write a Nazi as a Nazi. Mr. Goehring was shocked. The Bell rang and he took me aside. He told me he thought this would be a great teaching tool - but no one had ever taken him up on the assignment. He was even more surprised that I did. I told him I had a plan - grade accordingly.

The rest of the dream I went around telling people that I wasn't a Nazi, I was just writing an assignment. Some understood - some didn't. I was constantly explaining it though. There was a run in with a group of roller-blader's. I was lost in a bank that they were robbing (what is it with Bank Robberies?) They were as intent on destroying me as drawing me into the plan. This was almost like a separate dream as I matched wits with the leader and tried to escape them and stop the robbery.

I never did get to turn in the assignment. All I remember is the plan. I made Fritz my God Father. My Father had been killed by a Jew when I was 16. I was going to write him about the hard times in the Ghetto's with a single parent and two children. All of which I could blame on a Jew. Hitler made sense to me. Fritz would write back with support. I was going to write about joining the militia and sending money back to my Family. Fritz would write back with support. I was going to write about the raids and the battles I fought in. Killing and beating Jews - raiding Gypsy camps - anyone I was ordered to. Fritz would write back with support. I was going to write back saying that war was hard, fighting was difficult in the conditions we had - I was questioning my reasons. Fritz would write back to support my hate - to drive me to the 'right' thing. I was going to write to say I had won a medal in one of the raids. Fritz would write back with pride. I was going to write that I had received a commendation for turning in one of my superior officers after he made homosexual advances to me. Fritz would write back with pride and support. Then I was going to write a duel letter. One of apology for the disgrace to the family I was about to be accused of. The other a letter from the militia saying that I had been tried and convicted of being a Homosexual (by the a fore mentioned officer) and sent to internment camp.
I don't think I had decided if the accusation was valid or not. It just seemed very plausible, and poetically justifiable.

This is insane.
I came home from work on Saturday - had a lovely lunch with Mom and went to bed. I had a weird dream about some Mountain man / Biker reunion at Grizzly Adam's cabin (and our Dairy man of all people took me) where you couldn't even tell what sex the individual was that you where talking to. I also remember that the cats and rats talked. Like I said - weird.
I woke up and I went to work. I volunteered to go in over night to help on the reset / remodel that we are doing. I was scheduled from Midnight to 5am. I worked hard all night moving the HBC section to another part of the store. At 6am I had pulled out an extra set of shelving and was almost done with that section with only the Kool-aid to go. After a number of other delays and problems I had finally pulled out another section of shelving and finished the Kool-aid section at 9am. That is a long night - I don't care ... it's really good money.
I was tired though. I treat myself to breakfast (I was out when restaurants where serving it - very rare) and ate while I fast forward through the re-runs I had record. Then I sat down at the computer. Answered maybe 1 tenth of my e-mail. Played FreeCell. Surfed the web a bit. Checked out my web personal on SWAK.com - decided to see how the membership at changed. A lot more people now - sent out a few 'Hi - I liked your add maybe we can talk' notes. Then I realized ... I was really tired. It was now nearly 2pm and I have to be up at 6ish for X-Files and such. I go to bed.

I got tired of starring at the ceiling, trying to dream, think of stories, etc. I got up. It's only 3:30 now. So, I came here to complain. Still can't sleep. Don't think it's going to happen.
Guess I'll go work on my graphics until its time for X-Files.

Bank - A bank in a dream may signify something that needs safekeeping. Further, it indicates solidity, stability, and security. Note whether the dreamer feels over drawn or secure to indicate whether he or she is maintaining a balance in business or personal life.
Robbery - Being robbed of one's valuables may indicate that the dreamer is experiencing an identity crisis or a loss in his or her life (e.g., a divorce, serious illness, or some other irretrievable loss).

It all makes sense - except in both cases I wasn't in the bank. I don't recall having anything in the bank. I however witnessed it being robbed. So it wasn't me that was robbed - but I couldn't stop the crime. Once it was a brain game in a larger story - the other time it lead to sex. Still mystified.

Our store has been remodeling. It has been very chaotic.
I spoke to the KDH group again yesterday. I think they let me talk longer then before. I still didn't run out of questions from them. I made some notes so I wouldn't forget to say anything - and I still did.
One question I had a hard time answering - I just referred them to my WebPages.
"How has your live changed because of HIV?". I couldn't think of anything. I said that HIV had become such a big part of my life with out my even knowing it. A thread in the tapestry. One that doesn't stand out much but you notice is there and is holding a lot of things together. I then said that if she wanted more concrete examples that she should just check out my WebPages and compare the journals.
My Dad was there for the training again. It was really good to see him again. I haven't gotten to see him much but it is my fault. Been way to busy. I should really make the time some weekend.
I went home and Mom brought over some lunch and we watched "Looking for Richard". A film by Al Pacino about making the play "Richard III" by William Shakespeare. It was really good. Not only do you get a very good understanding of the play, it's cool to see how actors prepare and the passions they bring with them to the parts and why.
It was of course very late - and I slept all night. Work was reasonable for the first time this week. No crew of strangers tearing the store apart and just throwing work at all of us regulars. It seemed all most normal again. It was far from it, but the feeling had returned.
Now I'm here, with plenty of sleep - to go off on my next HIV tie raid.

I know what part of the answer is. People do not seek any information about HIV and AIDS until it is to late. They don't find out what are risk behaviors until after they have done them. It's no wonder nearly all the information on the web and at agencies are geared to -"So you have AIDS - here's what you can do. Here's what we know about your virus." What happened to getting out there and making sure people don't get the virus?!?

What started all this? Damn Urban Myth.
We've all heard the stories. In fact there are a lot of Movies taking advantage of them ('Campfire Tales', 'Urban Myths', 'Candyman', even an episode of 'Millenium' just to name a few). Some are benign stories like the one about the guy that gets charged $250 dollars from Nieman Marcus for a chocolate chip cookie recipe (when he thought he would only be charged $2.50). Unable to get a refund or apology he then e-mails the recipe to everyone he knows encouraging them to e-mail it to everyone they know. The rest are most often Horror stories which tend to have a 'moral' attached to it. The moral is never set and clear in an Urban Myth. Example - the girl that stops at the gas station after hearing that a lunatic has escaped, mistrusts the attendant who desperately tries to lure her out of the car. Finally he forcefully takes her from the car, but our heroin wins out and escapes, back to her car, driving off. Only she dies because the Lunatic was in her backseat, and the attendant was trying to save her. Moral? Check your backseat every time? Trust all Gas Station attendants? Lock your car doors? Never travel alone? Shit happens?
Not very clear on the motive or the moral of the story - That's because the Urban Myth first off is only so loosely based on something that may have happened it is a complete fiction. Because it has been told so many times it has been changed so many times that each person telling it puts their own little twist in it. It has lost the point of the story. It is now only meant to propagate fear and paranoia. It tries to propagate a fear of a particular action, deed, or group of people.
I had heard this particular Urban Myth years ago. But when I received it as a current warning in my e-mail ... I just ... became ... a little ... confused.

My first reaction was "Oh, Please! Grow up!" I don't know if I was talking about the person spreading this Urban Myth or they guy that may have actually done this. Either way - they need to grow up. Just spreading wild Fear.
What's the Moral here? Cover your Ass? Never reach for your change with out looking in the little hole? HIV/AIDS infected intravenous drug users are sick, revenge oriented maniacs? HIV/AIDS infected people are sick, revenge oriented maniacs? Some people are careless and deserve to die a slow and embarrassing death?
My opinion - Caution, your life can be over turned in a instant. Be sure you are enjoying every moment you have.

It began to piss me off. I went on a search to debunk this Myth. I've never used intravenous drugs - so my needle knowledge is very limited. But it is my understanding that the HIV virus is still a very fragile virus that dies quickly in the wrong environments. Oxygen and water being two of them (Thus you can't get it from being in a swimming pool etc.). My understanding was that unless the needle was still 'fresh' or wet the virus wouldn't survive on it (maybe in it - but even then it would still have to have it's contents injected into the subject - a simple prick wouldn't do it). It was my understanding that this person would be much more at risk of getting something like Hepatitis rather then AIDS. The other thing that bothered me was that I have seen how much blood they have to draw for an HIV Test. How did the needle test positive for HIV?
What's my understanding now? I DON'T KNOW!!! I can't find anything on the transmission of the virus by needles. I found very little available about the transmission of the virus at all (the standard was - sex, use a condom. No more. Not much said about oral sex, less about needle transmission and nothing about anything else). As I said before I found everything to be oriented toward - 'oh, you have the virus - here's what we know.' All after the fact.
WHAT HAPPENED TO PREVENTION!?! Has the world just given up on trying to stop the spread of the virus? Are we content to think that we can all become infected because one day we may find a cure? If that is the case then lets stop using condoms and make sure that everyone in the world has a vested interest in this supposed cure. Lets start talking about how many of us actually have it so we know who is left to infect. We can't be silent in the ignorant hope that it will just go away.

It is now my goal to redo my Safe Sex page and include everything I can on risk activities and the prevention of transmission. Anyone have some information they want me to use - Web sites with information they want me to use, or link to - send it to me.

FEAR causes DENIAL which causes IGNORANCE creating RISK which promotes FEAR which causes DENIAL which causes IGNORANCE creating RISK which promotes FEAR which causes DENIAL which causes IGNORANCE creating RISK which promotes FEAR which causes DENIAL which causes IGNORANCE creating RISK which promotes FEAR which causes DENIAL which causes IGNORANCE creating RISK which promotes FEAR which causes DENIAL which causes IGNORANCE creating RISK which promotes FEAR which causes DENIAL which causes ////EDUCATION & INFORMATION\\\\ are the only things that can stop this endless never ending cycle.

I really do enjoy talking about my experiences. I like that I may help make a difference in the way somebody thinks about this virus. I'm always happy to do it.
Thanks for the leads - I was trying to figure out a way to confirm the CDC report without having to wade through their web site (it's a bunch of technical, medical and political talk). Actually, when I was there my Father gave me a sheet of web sites with possible information - I'm going to check them out. If I come up a bit lacking I will call the KDHE for some more leads.

But first I have a weekend to worry about. ... Well, not really worry about - but I do have some plans. Cards tonight - no going out. Going to kind of miss that, but there is always next week. I'm excited about learning a new card game. Devin and I are going over to Dave's to learn Kinasta (sp?). he and his wife have been wanting to play again and Devin has always wanted to learn - I just like cards and my friends.
Also plan to go and see a movie - it's in Lawrence though. That's why it's a big plan. I got plenty of sleep so I can have lunch with Mom and then go to Lawrence ... goof around a while - see the movie at 4:30, drive back pick Devin up and play cards. I'll sleep Sunday sometime after cards and before X-Files. Maybe a nap before work on Monday. My weekends are to short. I need a vacation.

Devin sent me some Humor - unfortunately it's funny because it's way to true. I do all of these except #4 (the very reason I never got one).

Oddly enough - #6 was a big joke at work today. I was asked to logon to a register for a moment. I haven't done it in so long that I didn't remember how under that kind of pressure. Then the Office Manager (the one that asked me to do this) finally read that list and called me up on the intercom laughing.
Btw' I've done #1 for a long time. It's a long standing joke at work.
"My life would be so much easier if I just ... KILLED that person!"
"But then you would go to jail."
"Hmmm, a roof over my head, three meals a day, all kinds of spare time, a boyfriend named Bubba ... This is supposed to detour me?"

Muha-hahahahahahahaha!
The mad scientist enters his lab armed with all the chemicals he now needs to make his evil concoction. Lightening flashes and thunder rolls as he fervently works on his goal...

You think I'd been eating it already - just getting ready to start though. By this time tomorrow if I'm not sleeping, I'll know why. Actually sleep has improved in the last few days - then I stayed up for 24 hours on Saturday. Devin and I got our asses kicked (very hard) in cards. We learned to play Canasta (still not sure about the spelling of that) and lost. I'm embarrassed to recall the score (lets just say Devin and I never had to worry about our meld points going up except on the last hand). Then we changed over to Spades. Devin had a hard couple of hands trying to remember how it was played. Then we caught up but still lost in a major way. Devin and I limped home from the spanking we got. We are determined to go back prepared next time.
Speaking of mad scientist ... saw 'Gods and Monsters' in Lawrence. It was an incredible film! I can't wait for it to come out on tape - I want it. I think what I liked about it so much was the very complex relationships portrayed in an easy to understand manner - all of which walk very fine lines between what they actually where and the sexual context others thought they had. For anyone interested in this film - let me just say that if you don't want to see it because you think it's a film about a gay relationship - Go because it is a film about relationships vs. loneliness (and more - much more) and actually has nothing to do with sex at all. Ian (? I can only remember him as Jonathan Whale now), Lynn Redgrave and Brendan Fraser do an incredible job bringing the writer / director's point to the screen. It was well worth my loss of sleep and drive to Lawrence. (Brendan Fraser continues to impress me as an actor. To be able to balance a career with performances like this and "Twilight of the Gold's" with other dramatic performances like "With Honors" and "School Ties" and still be able to make films like "Encino Man" and "George of the Jungle" just shows a range which is rare in film today. His characters are all so different I wonder what he is really like. Not that I care when he is on screen - I'm drawn into what he has to show me then.)
Guess I should go and start the Vindaloo so I'll be done when people start to show up for X-Files. I think Futurama premiers tonight also. I think it looks funny ... might be the next Simpson's craze.

Okay, lets just mention how lazy I've become. I was going to write yesterday but didn't want to risk having to add another line to the table up top if I wanted to write today.

Okay, lets talk about my on going research into the HIV Urban Myth. I got called in the other day for more blood work. I sat down talking to the phlebotomist and asked them about it. They agreed that the whole story is full of holes - but in the long run, they also had no definitive answers. I'm still looking. What it boils down to is that everyone (including myself) realizes there is a risk there - it just happens to be so small that it would be a record book case if it did actually happen. It's kind of like the story in the news not to long ago about the guy that caught HIV from kissing. Kissing is NOT a risk activity - unless, like him, you have bleeding gums and herpes sores, as did the woman he was kissing. It was transferred in the blood to the open wounds in the mouth. Under normal dental hygiene conditions there is no risk of contracting HIV from a kiss. Granted a .01% risk is still a risk, but it isn't one that most would consider.

Went and saw Patch Adams with Jen last night (50˘ movie night). The movie was great. We where both pleasantly blown away by a wonderfully told story with the twists of real life tale. Just before the movie I also ran into Melissa. She is back in town for a week or two before moving on to her next zoo internship. We hope to met up this week end.
I went for a walk after the movie. Nothing special except it was a beautiful night out. I had two hours to walk and I used it all.
I came home and decided to check e-mail before going back to bed (I had only gotten about 4 hours of sleep). I ended up having a wonderful night on-line. Mike now has a web cam - so I went to check out his site while talking to him through ICQ messages. Then someone who's personal ad I had seen was on-line and we talked for about an hour. I hate to admit it, but I think I am a bit smitten. I really enjoyed talking to him. When he asked why someone like me was still single I said that it was, in my opinion, because I'm still in Topeka and can't find anyone that isn't 'scared' of my being HIV+. His reply was like "That's silly. HIV is so normal." You know it's really to bad this guy lives in another country. Still it amazes me that in one conversation someone could say nothing spectacular but still make me feel so special.

After I finished talking to him I did go back to sleep. I had the best dreams. I dreamed I was literally jumping around in the web and meeting the people I talked to. I woke up happy. I had a great day despite that I am just getting home - nearly three hours late because it was a booger of a day.
I got my $1 rental. I've set the VCR for Voyager and Crow. I'm going to go to bed now so I can get up and take a walk and then maybe talk on line again tonight.

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