Recent Journal Entries

© 1999 February (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

9902.01

Itch, itch, itch, itch, itch, itch, itch, itch, itch, itch, itch, itch, itch, itch, itch ...
ITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the most annoying thing I can think of.
I took the Bactruim. I didn't get sick. Instead I began to itch all over. That dry prickly itch like you get from the hair clippings after a hair cut - Only it's EVERYWHERE!! Even on my eyelids! The last two hours of work where hell! I've already talked to the Dr.'s office. They had me take some Diphenhydramine (Benadryl) to help the itch - it's not helping enough yet. At least I don't have to take Bactruim anymore. They will try to replace it, with something completely different.
Going to take some more Benadryl and then try to sleep it off (if I can sleep). Don't know why I'm having such a hard time with meds. lately. But it's bugging me.

9902.02

Just got back from seeing 'Very Bad Things' with Jen. Probably one of the very best movies that I will never recommend to anyone. One very sick and demented lie followed by another and another, leading to acts of desperation, guilt, greed and all the very worst in human nature. We actually watched others leave. I wasn't surprised - it was rather grizzly. But if they had stuck around they would have watched everyone get what they deserved. I only have one other comment. I don't think the writer has a very high opinion of life or of marriage.
Okay, lets catch up on the itch.
I took even more Diphenhydramine just before bed - I think technically it would be considered an over dose. Not the smartest thing I had done. But the box only says not to exceed 12 capsules in 24 hours. I didn't. I went to sleep, if that's what you can call it, after writing. I lay and twitch in bed for many hours. I think I finally fell asleep about five hours later - only to be awakened by the alarm two hours later. I then woke up, talked to Devin and took two more Diphenhydramine and then went back to bed. I then got some real sleep until it was time for work. Had a great day - no itch. Came home with every intention of going to bed so I would be rested for 50¢ movie night. Answered some phone calls - talked to my Dad. Told him about the itch. He agreed that it would be the most annoying thing ("You can't run from it. You have excited and irritated every nerve in your body."). I had my Doctor's appointment changed. I then stare at the ceiling and watched Doctor walk around the bed for about three hours. I then heard Devin come home (very quietly - he knew I was probably asleep), I then snuck out and scared the crap out of Devin (I can't help it - it's fun). After he calms down and I stop laughing - he tells me they have a place to go. I should be helping them move very soon.
I then stayed up figuring that my 14 some hours in bed yesterday was what was keeping me up. I then answered some e-mail and played some FreeCell. Went to the movie. Came home started to write this. Jen called. A little spooked. Can't blame her.
Not only was the movie a bit creepy - but a handicapped individual (who watched the same movie we did) had his car broken into, and he was parked next to Jen. On the way home she tells me there were about a dozen cops at a place close to her house. She was just feeling creeped out - I tired to make her feel better, not sure if I succeeded, but I tried.
Okay, time to try and sleep. Don't know if I can jacked up on Coke-a-cola and Twizzlers.

9902.04

I didn't sleep very well. I had a very long day at work. I came home to find Devin and friend packing. He actually took out the trash - I was amazed. I've noticed he has cleaned up a bit around the apartment. He actually moves out tomorrow ... after midnight, sorry - today. All things considered, I'm pleased.
He did me a favor last night also. Evidently Pat and Leah came by after I went to sleep - I thought I was only dreaming that. They didn't want him to wake me, but they told him about a NOVA special on HIV - he stayed up and taped it for me. It was fascinating.
I am now certain of when and from whom I contracted the Virus. The really bad flu that I had many years ago was the virus's first attack on me. Meaning I contracted it in St. Louis. I still dream of that night and the man I spent it with - don't regret it for a minute ... would probably do it again. Though I really hated being sick afterward - especially being blindly pumped full of antibiotics from a series of Dr.s that just couldn't explain what was happening to me but took credit for making me better when all it was, was my body finally fighting back. I guess I should go back to that journal entry (where I put in an editorial note suspecting that that might be the start of the virus) and add it to the dates I Celebrate. It is after all a moment that changed my life - for better and worse.
The NOVA special focused on the new lines of research they are pursuing. Studying not only 'Long Term Non-Progressors' but those that have resisted repeated infection. What they have learned from these studies - and how they have yet to figure out how to use it. Kind of like knowing that this piece of the puzzle fits with this piece, but you still don't know where it goes in the big picture.
One of the other things this show pointed out to me was the risks I'm taking on this Drug 'vacation'. I can also already tell - I will eventually, and probably soon, be back on drug therapy. With my Viral load as high as it was, I obviously don't have the immune responses to hold the virus at bay - yet. I still have great hope in the lines of research they are pursuing. It is my greatest hope that even if they can't find a cure - they can find a vaccine and stop the spread.
In the mean time, it still bothers me the risks people take thinking that the answers are all ready here. They aren't. The risks are still as bad as playing Russian Roulette. Lets not even get into the fact that the virus infection rate is still not known. They will never know because mandatory testing will never happen. In the group of known infections - maybe 5% will be 'Long Term Non-Progressors' (lets re-emphasize the word 'maybe'). The rest are still a crap shoot in the mix of opportunistic infections, drug therapies and side effects. It's worse then gambling - because you don't even know the odds - the numbers just aren't there. They don't have the answers. We do have the information on how it is spread - we can stop it there. Yet, people still walk around ignorant and taking huge risks with not only their lives, but the lives of others.
Got to stop by TAP tomorrow and talk to them about that Washburn talk.
We all watched "Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss" and the "The Cube" tonight. I think they liked 'Billy' but I think the allegory and depth of 'Cube' went over their heads. It was an interesting dive into human nature in a parallel of life. I think they where let down by the lack of explanation about the 'Cube' itself, but that wasn't the point of the movie. The whole thing kind of goes back to the "You are trapped in a white room with no escape." thing I had done before (I'll try to look that up for you and link back to it).
For as much as I've bitched about it the last few weeks - I'm beginning to realize ... I'm really going to miss Devin when he's gone. Still happy he's going, but I will miss him. The conversations, the back rubs, the card games, the joking around. At least now I'll be able to walk around naked, drink out of the milk carton and anything else I want.

9902.05

Gods, it is so late. This little vampire is up way to late. Thus, quickly.

Devin and friend are now moved out. I have my key and my Privacy back. I'm sitting here naked just because I can.
'Friend' actually thanked me for being able to stay here. Since no one asked me if he could, it actually meant a lot to me that he did take the time to say Thank you.
And, now for as much as you have heard me 'bitch' about Devin - you will now get to listen to me realize that I miss him. Like I've said before, this journal really is the worst of me. I come here to complain about things bothering me most of the time - not much to talk about the things that really make me happy. There where many good times with DYE (Devin) here. And I already miss them.

Again the 'Quotes of the Day' e-mail I get, echoed life around me. The gay diary ring I belong to has a group list for e-mail. I haven't actually seen it used much. Today seemed to start a bit of a debate to which I received many of the views. The ring master is going to start a sub ring. It seems like a good idea even if it isn't fully thought out yet. One I doubt I'll be able to be in, but am interested to see. He also comment that the list of members seemed 'quite' to him. This brought up issues of what Journals where to be about, as well as what 'quite' meant.
The Quotes I got where these - which I passed on to the list -

"Ideas are like children; your own are always wonderful."
-Anonymous

"The burning conviction that we have a holy duty toward others is
often a way of attaching our drowning selves to a passing raft."
-Eric Hoffer

"The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story
and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the
volume as it is with what he vowed to make it."
-J.M. Barrie

I particularly like this last quote. I mentioned something about my participation in the sub ring and my ability to check out many of the other members sites would be like a chapter outlined but unwritten. Kind of a 'best intentions' idea.

Must sleep now.

9902.07

I've still got so much to do.
I'm not in KC helping Shawn paint. He called me the other day to say he had been sick (coughed so hard he threw his back out) and wasn't going to paint this weekend. We have tentatively planned for two weekends from now. Since I wasn't in KC - I went out.
I was actually looking for Devin. I had some telephone messages for him and one of his friends disks. I did find them out and let them know I had found the house they now have and told them about the stuff I had for them. We agreed to met at their house after the bars closed. I then went to find a dance floor (there was a Drag show going on at Paradox). At LYZ I ran in to Jerry briefly. I also then ran into Hal (that guy that I kind of have a crush on and keeps popping up in my dreams - the ones that seem to mean something - like when he was the guy at the end of the Bar in the dream about the Kalderahn). He and I talked for a while and then decided to dance. As he danced he kept unbuttoning his shirt. He really is good looking in a geeky kind of way. I kept starring at his hands and the lost look in his eyes. I also kept staring at his belly button and the little happy trail leading down into his loose jeans. He doesn't wear underwear either.
Finally the Dance floor closed down and I said good bye to Hal and his little group of admirers (strange I know ... really you would have to see this guy to understand). Then I went to one of the Porno stores and found it to be closed (midnight - silly people). Then I went to Devin's, gave him the stuff I had for him and his friend. Got the tour of the house. Not to bad. They need a refrigerator. They don't like the fake wood paneling. The Bathroom looks like a lime sherbet explosion. Devin isn't happy about the cow's that trim his room. "And this pink shag carpet has to go!"
Okay, they are living in every fashion fags decorating nightmare, but it is a nice place and it is theirs.
I then joined the Rummy game. Got my Ass Kicked. So, we switched to UNO. Devin tromped us - we never even had a chance - like 8 hands and Devin only took points once (and it was under 50!). Just for the record - I was dead last in Rummy and ended up with just under 400 points in the UNO game. I think Devin just got lucky.
Suddenly - it was 5:30 am! I excused myself and invited them over for X-Files tonight.
I then went to Some Like it Hot (the 24 hour XXX shop) and rented a few films. - Because I can! I live alone again! =D
Now I'm getting ready to make some 'dinner' and watch DS9 - Outer Limits - Poltergeist and then Porno until I'm asleep. Then I'll get the place ready for X-Files and Sunday dinner.
What else? Mom is so happy that she has her key back. She came over and cleaned up a storm. I got home early and scared her (hey, Devin isn't here now, someone has to get startled when I walk in). I actually did check a few of the other Journalers in the web ring (been checking out the ones that have been replying to the List debate). I was happy to find one of the others was also having a grumpy period because someone had just kind of invited themselves into his house. Glad to know I wasn't the only one it happens to. I have noticed now on two other of the Journals they have a 'Coming Out' story of sorts. I'm considering it for my page as well. It is a very personal and defining moment that gives you some major insight to both yourself and others around you. Though it is in my Journals day by day - it is very diluted that way. I'm thinking about including it in the brief history on my Bio page.

Okay, food to make, tapes to watch.

9902.08

Irony, nerves, Oh my - slides.

I just finished speaking at Washburn University. It was a very interesting experience. As always, I've begun to think of all the things I should have said. Luckily, many of the things I should have said where said by the other two speakers - but not related to HIV/AIDS - but maybe it will sink in anyway.
I actually wasn't nervous about doing this until I tried to sleep before going. I say tried, because I noticed I was nervous as I realized I wasn't going to get any quality sleep because I was nervous. As usual, I had nothing to be nervous about - but I didn't know that at the time.
Griffin called me and gave me a bit of irony though. Since I had this talk on my mind - I was in a certain mind set. I picked up the phone to talk to him and the first words out of his mouth was,
"You have a virus." and I was thinking to myself -Yeah, had it now for about five years, you knew that. I think my half asleep reply was 'Yeah, I know.' to which Griffin caught on and began to correct me.
"No, your computer has a virus." He explained to me that my e-mail has this attachment with it - the Happy.exe file. I remember getting it. It's a stupid little thing that says 'Happy 1999' and animates a bunch of fireworks. I deleted it - I thought. Evidently, it is now attaching itself to all my e-mail. It appears benign at this point but it is annoying. I'm trying to get rid of it before answering any other e-mail (So, if you do know me and wonder why I haven't written recently it's because I'm trying to avoid sending you an annoying thing - if you do get this - just delete it, don't open the file). Anyway, the irony - it was sent to me as I canceled an X-rated web service.  - Now even my computer has caught a virus from sexual contact.

I really ought to go to these talks more prepared. The crowd was large - it really was about 200 people or more. Very friendly but not really talkative. I had to coax a few questions. However, the questions I received were very good questions. Asked how my family and friends took the news of my being HIV positive. Wondered about the shift in attitudes toward me once people knew - and what suggestions I had for how to treat those that are HIV positive (to which I replied - don't treat us any differently and definitely don't treat us like we are going to die). It was an experience I would really like to repeat, in hopes that I could do better next time.
After I spoke there was a woman from the Battered Women's Shelter who talked about Aquaintace Rape and Sexual Assault. She was good. Prepared and very through, well spoken. I kept thinking to myself - I should have said that also - that's the same with HIV/AIDS - That point applies here also. Things that I have said on this page before, and will again. Many of my Safe Sex Rules are the same ones that she discussed to prevent Sexual Assault. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Don't impair your judgement. Don't take advantage of someone else's impaired judgement (something to point out is that now the laws read that if you do, that is sexual assault. Both parties must be able to give consent - drugs and alcohol are considered things that will impair your judgement meaning that you can't give consent). She also talked about how many like to live in the security of thinking "It will never happen to me." I should have said that also. Applies to STD's in general as well as rape and assault. It can. Those that aren't prepared or are uninformed are the ones that it will happen to most.
Something that both she and the Biology Professor (that gave the lecture on STD's) said that also applied across the board - You have to talk about it. No matter how uncomfortable or silly it seems. No matter how much embarrassment or shame you feel now - it will not compare to what you will feel if you let it go unsaid. Better to feel a little embarrassed then to DIE from it.
There is no shame in being the victim of Sexual Harassment or Assault. It must be talked about to be prevented - it must be reported to be stopped. There is no shame in catching an STD. It must be talked about to be prevented - you must seek the medical attention you need before it causes irreparable damage to you or others.
In fact let me propose this to you. Instead of being ashamed of catching an STD or being the victim of Sexual Assault and doing nothing about it - shouldn't you get pissed off about catching an STD or being the victim of Sexual Assault and do something to prevent it from happening again? Rather then saying "I deserved it." or "It will go away." get angry and say "I need help - and I won't let it happen again."
The lecture on STD's was quite amazing. He brought slides to show us the physical symptoms. Oh my god! The slides. I was absolutely repulsed and completely mystified. I knew what the symptoms of these STD's where. It is one thing to say "milky discharge", or "ulcers and lesions" and to see what they actually mean. I think more people should see what they mean. I think it would stop a lot more STD's. What kept getting to me was that he kept saying that he had slides worse then the ones he was showing. My God! Worse!?! These intermediate symptoms where bad enough. For crying out loud how could anyone suffer through these symptoms and not seek medical help?!? Shame is a very powerful emotion - it should really be stopped.
It also shocked me to realize that the majority of STD's are treatable - not curable. Many of them are viral. No cure. Treat it, get over it, but it is still with you. Could come back - could still be transmitted with out visible symptoms. Must talk to people about what they have had as well as what they may have. Got to be informed. Don't just take the word of the person that wants to sleep with you - they may lie or sugar coat the information to put you at ease and get what they want.

It was a very informative night. I had a great time. I hope I made a difference. I hope I get the chance to try again. I hope I'm more prepared next time.
Got to try and sleep again.

9902.09 barely

The irony continues.

I have the Happy99 worm virus. As I said before I got it from the cancellation of an adult site. Thus, even my computer has acquired a virus from sex.
What's more - this virus is new, and at this moment in time there isn't a 'cure'. I'm still looking. In the mean time I have the potential to transmit the virus to anyone that I e-mail. It can be avoided with easy precautions (just don't open it - delete it) if you have been educated enough to know this. This virus (once in your system) can go undetected for some time by the user (I was told by someone else that I had it), and it doesn't damage your system (it is intended to slow or crash mail servers by spreading to all mailers and doubling the mailers load).
Is any of this sounding familiar?
I've even been told about some miracle 'cures', but at this point I'm unable to take advantage of them (there is a place to download a scan and fix - but it comes zipped - and I can't unzip them. They want me to buy a program to do it. I could barely afford the movie tonight).
Well, I again had to try and educate as many people as possible and sent out a Virus Alert to all my address book. I really hope everyone reads it since "I" have the virus and thus sent it along with the message. I have in essence outed myself and tried to educate the rest against my mistake.
Want the irony to continue?
What really ticks me off is that I had been so safe until now. I knew better then to open a strange file but I was to trusting. I had been lucky and avoided this whole computer virus mess until now. I thought for sure it would never happen to me. Guess what.
My, how life imitates art. Or vice versa. Or something like that.

My horoscope today said I would run into unusual problems. It said that even though I can't prepare for the unexpected, now that I had been warned, like a boy scout I would prepare for everything and thus not be taken by surprise.
Today was oddly busy. It came in waves. I would be bored for like five minutes then a dozen people would want to be checked in and I would be catching up for then next hour or more. Then it would happen all over again. I thought that must have been what the horoscope was talking about. Not so bad. Then something else happened. I saw plans to remodel our store. Good news is they plan to remodel it the way it should have been done when they first tore our store apart (when I was in management). Bad news is remodeling is always a pain in the butt. I don't know how much this will effect me and my job. Thought this might be it.
It was worse.
Went to the 50¢ movie tonight with Jen. It was incredibly busy! Lines for 15 to 30 minutes. Luckily I was early and Jen wasn't far behind me. We still had to sit pretty close to the screen, but we had seats in a crowded theater. Still not the worst of it. I went to the concession stand. I ordered what I always do - Large Coke and Twizzlers.
"Sorry sir, we are out of Twizzlers." 
=cO What do you mean no Twizzlers! What the hell am I supposed to eat! This is what the Horoscope was talking about! ...Okay, it wasn't that bad but this did take me by surprise. I got popcorn instead, but I really did miss those Twizzlers.
I stopped by Devin's on the way home (he wanted to borrow the tape of the last Poltergeist) and I took him to the store. I had been telling him about this. He offered to buy me some Twizzlers :) I said no, the movie was over but I thanked him for the thought. I stayed long enough to cuddle on the couch and watch 'Crow - Stairway to Heaven' on TV with him. Then I had to go so I could come home to write my virus warning and this.
Now its time to try and get some sleep again. I really need to try and get back on my normal schedule. I'm in that terrible period where I don't feel tired, but I know that if I don't sleep I'll get tired when I can't (like at work).
By the way - I have no idea where my time with Devin is going, but I'm enjoying it. I don't know if or how it will advance, but I'll cross those bridges when I get to them.

9902.12

Doesn't seem like it has been that long. Actually, it's only just midnight so it isn't really.
What do I have to talk about - I can take the condom off my computer now - :) - Kansas weather - Payday and the bill cycle.

I continue to get by with a little help from my friends. I was directed to a web site for McAfee (the virus program I'm using anyway) that checked me for viruses on-line. Although it said it found nothing, I e-mailed myself and didn't get the happy99.exe file again. I guess I'm cured, and I can take the condom off my computer now. After this, I have some e-mail to answer. I have been putting it off until I had this virus thing under control.
:) I got laid. I don't know if this will make any sense at all, but I feel better now that it's out of the way. It's been a while since I have gotten 'really' laid. The last few encounters I've had where all about getting them off and leaving me a bit frustrated. All of it oral. I consider oral sex just a prelude - when I say sex or laid I mean penetration!
It was very contrived on my part - which means I thought it might happen but I really wasn't holding my breath - so when it did happen I was very surprised, and almost unprepared. The fact that I was conceiving of a 'one-nighter' made me think (afterwards) that obviously I was just ready for one. I needed a release, and now that I've had it - I feel better. It's out of the way. Now I can stop complaining that it hasn't happened and focus on what I really want - a relationship. Now I can actually see if the feelings I have are real or based only in my hormones.
Dying for details? Okay, just the basics. I went for the $1.^oo rentals. I noticed John Carpenter's 'Vampires' was out. Hadn't seen it. Also noticed another film called 'The Eighteenth Angel' written by the same person that did the 'Omen'. Picked them both up (I was feeling just a bit extravagant since payday was the next day). Both were horror films. When ever I think of horror films there is one other person that comes to mind. Zam. That was how he and I met - we both love horror films and didn't really know anyone else that did - so we went together. Even though I frequently get turned down I still call and ask him if he can go when I think about going to see one. So, I called him before I went to bed and left a message saying I had rented these films and if he would like to come by and watch them he was welcome to stop by.
I was awaken by a call from a friend with the web instructions for the virus. I then spent several hours on-line trying to fix the problem (and evidently succeeding). Having been on the phone now for a few hours I wondered if Zam had tried to call. I actually kind of figured he wouldn't. But I got bold as I remembered when we used to date. We would rent horror films - come home - watch them - then **** like rabbits (I'm trying not to be vulgar - but that is exactly what happened. Usually right as the credits started). I called to see if he had tried to call. I left another message. Figuring he may still call, I watched 'Eighteenth Angel' first (since I knew he wanted to see 'Vampires'). Not the best of films. Very predictable - slow - interesting idea, but once it is explained in the first five minutes of the film there isn't much left to explore. Zam hadn't called so I started 'Vampires'. About 2:15am he called. He was just getting back from singing at the bar. I told him I had started 'Vampires' but I would stop and rewind it if he wanted to come over. He said he would be right there.
I considered putting on more then my sweat pants, but it had been 70º most of the day and it was still beautiful outside and I wasn't cold. I considered what else might happen ... I went to the bathroom to 'freshen up' but didn't change clothes.
We talked for a while as the film started. He was just a bit tipsy. It's really hard to tell with him, usually he has to tell me (which basically I had a clue, but then he mentioned he had been drinking and the little light went off in my head). Then he asked me if I had seen this movie yet. I told him I had seen the first part of it, but I didn't know how it ended. That's when he admit to me that he had already seen it in the Theaters. I suddenly thought - He has ulterior motives for being here - and quickly hid the erection that thought brought. I told myself before that I wouldn't do this. Not with Zam. I know he doesn't want a relationship, it would just be sex (some really great sex - but just sex) and that was not what I wanted. I told myself I wouldn't do this because I didn't want to use him that way or cheapen myself. I wanted to wait. I fell back into this thought pattern with one exception - if he made the first move - I would be on him like white on rice. He is a long time friend, sexually compatible and he knows about my being HIV+. What's to stop me if he wants to?
He fell asleep during the last part of the movie (which I fast forward though the slower points, since he had seen it, so I could get to the end with plenty of time for extra stuff if it came up). I then woke him up and asked if he would be okay to drive home. He said he would be. I was thinking it wasn't going to happen. I looked at the clock and with only two hours before work I guess it would be for the best. Then he noticed a third movie on the couch. It was one of my porno tapes (I couldn't believe I had left it out, but the blanket on the couch had kind of covered it - honestly!). He asked if he could watch it ... the rest is history. I was almost late for work.
I was fresh out of the shower and barely dressed when I walked him out to his car. I then went back inside to get ready for work. As I was leaving it had begun to rain, and was noticeably colder. It was pouring as I drove to work. It was done raining by the time I had opened up the store - and noticeably colder again. The wind really picked up. Cold, wet, wind. Maybe I should mention, less then an hour has past since I walked Zam to his car, half dressed, and was at work trying to find a coat and yelling for people to "Shut the door I'm trying to stay warm!". Should I mention that it was snowing lightly before I left work? You just got to love Kansas weather - if you don't, wait, it will change.
Got paid! Ran it to the bank. I always eat out on Payday. I had a real craving for Tacos. Thought about going to Taco Bell and getting one of the talking stuffed dogs, but the only one close by was the one on Wanamaker - the one that I refuse to go to (You remember them? The ones that where rude to me and took a week to get me a corrected order of food). On the way home I noticed Tortilla Jacks. The last time I was there was when Joe was in town for the wedding. Great food - cheap! Got my tacos. Four Huge tacos for just over $5, and the order was correct.
Bed - woke up and went to the store. I didn't need a list - I didn't have anything here but rice and popcorn and the milk I bought yesterday. It was my goal to keep it under $150.^oo but closer to $100.^oo (since I've been cutting the finances a bit close lately - probably from the extra burden of a non-paying roomie for a month). $135.^oo ~ I was proud of me. Put it all away and then sat down to pay my bills. I actually had one that I had over paid and still had a $2.²⁵ credit on. That was nice. After all the bills, I'm still in the 'hole' (what I call the credit side of my bank account) but much less then I was. By next month I should be back where I should be. I need to get Jen to figure my Taxes and then I hope to use the refund to start the savings account I want. Then I can actually start thinking about a vacation - that I can travel for! (I promised Mike he was next so California is first. Can't wait to be in the sunny weather with Mike).
Think I'm going to run by Devin's and see if he's up. Pick up the Poltergeist tape then start on all that e-mail.

9902.13

I don't know what it is about this year, but I'm not quite so ... bitter, maybe jaded, about the coming of Valentines Day. I actually bought Valentines Day cards - really cool ones featuring the Universal Pictures Classic Monsters. Hey, love is a monster (not to mention that most horror stories are love stories) and I only said I wasn't as jaded as before. I love these cards because they aren't mushy (they are made for school kids) but they are cute and just so ... me, for Valentines day.
Going over to Devin's for cards after the bar closes. Looks like they want to turn it into a regular thing. I'm all for it. I've got Valentines day cookies and a bag of chocolate for the game.

Okay, lets talk about one other thing I've done for Valentines day. I got Devin a card - not one of the Universal Monsters cards (though I did glue one of those to the envelope). I just don't know if I'm going to far or not. I'm sitting here like some high school teenager asking myself all these questions like "will he like it - will he read to much into it - will he read enough into it - should I really be doing this" its endless. I just realized as I wrote this ... what it really boils down to is that I don't know what to make of my doing this. It's not about what I think he will read into it, I don't know what I'm putting into it.
Devin is one of the only people I know that won't take it the wrong way that the card is black and red and signed with my skull emblem - in fact I really think he'll like it.
Okay - The envelope is red. I used a black marker to address it. Under his name is the Universal studio's card with images of Frankenstein's Monster (one, a picture of him cringing from the torch light, the other a drawn version of him kneeling with the flowers by the water side) and it says
"Don't be afraid -- it's just Valentine's Day!"
You turn it over and my Skull emblem is in a heart by the envelope's flap.
The Card is black with a black embossed gothic vine pattern and a red foil heart which reads,
"For Someone Special"
The inside of the card is white with black print and the same vine pattern across the bottom of the page. It reads on the left page,

You're someone very special,
and you'll always be a part
Of warmest thoughts and feelings
kept close in mind and heart ...

On the right page it continues -

And this brings you warmest wishes
that, whatever you may do,
You'll find the best that life can bring
will always come to you.

Happy
Valentine's Day
then I sign it DDK *skull emblem* Bret

It's not really over the top or anything. It doesn't mention the L word (which is good because I'm not quite ready to say that yet). It does say things I mean. Like I said, it's in a design I think he'll like.
The more I think about this the more I begin to realize I'm nervous because I'm scared. I've been hurt before and I'm afraid of where this might go. Got to remember ... No Fear - live life to the fullest.

Speaking of which (quickly dropping this subject before I start to second guess myself), I got an interesting e-mail the other day. Want to share a part of the letter and my reply.

I was be-bopping around the net trying to get sheet music for Swing Low Sweet Chariot for choir and some how came across your journals. I only read bits and pieces here and there then.....I came across your picture. See,I come from a very very very small town in Georgia where the only bad news or news to be concerned about is if the meat at the local diner is meatloaf. Trust me...that is something to be concerned about. YUCK. Anyways, after glaring at your picture for awhile (it's a stunning picture) I found myself asking questions.
What is he feeling? He looks so "clean-cut", is he the one who is HIV+ ? Does he think about the past? How does he look onto the future? How does he feel today? I read more than I suppose I should've. I began to feel sad. Sometimes they say the death is a
celebration of life. But now I feel like we should celebrate life everyday, then let the others celebrate my life as one day I will pass on too. I had never met or even spoke to anyone with your condition.
I'm not sure what I am trying to say except that I am ashamed that I only prayed for my family, friends, homeless, hungry and church. I never thought to pray for those who are sick and unable to get well. I will now. Take care of yourself ! I will pray for you and think about you often.
PS-I'm a Wonka fan too ! Lumpa Lumpa Lumpa ti two.

Hello,

I was very pleased to read your letter and was glad to know that I had opened your mind a little bit (that was after all the intent of my web page) and to find another Wonka fan ;)
I have to admit though, I'm left wondering which picture you came across that got you to thinking. Being an artist I'm not surprised that a picture could stir most of these thoughts (in fact I'm very pleased that it was). I'm just curious which one it was (if you can remember).

As for the comment you made about not having met or talked to any one with my condition before - I'm reminded of something said to my father when he began training to work with the Kansas Department of Health and Education. The man giving the lecture on HIV/AIDS said,
"I am probably the first person you have met with HIV - that you know about."
My father found this particularly true when about 6 months later I told him I had been HIV positive for about 3 years and been afraid to tell him.
In today's society, you probably have met or talked to someone with HIV or AIDS, you just don't know it (stranger yet, they may not have known either). One of the reasons it spreads so fast is because it is invisible. You can't see it, if you have it, you can't even feel it. One of the reasons it still remains so silent and invisible is the stigmatism attached to it. People who have it are afraid to tell others because of how they will be branded or thought of. People that don't have it, don't want to talk about it. That is the very silence and stigma I'm out to stop more then anything.
Any time someone writes me (or tells me) that now they are thinking about it - I'm over joyed, and I want to thank you for that again. Now I want to encourage you to continue to think about it, talk about it with others. Do what you can to over come the silence.
Also, I invite you come back to my web site often to find answers to any questions you may have and to find out that I still live my life to its fullest potential, just like I did before I was infected with the virus. I do celebrate my life every day, and the lives of others around me. It is my belief that once we pass on we go to a higher purpose - the celebrating isn't over, but we have to have learned how to do it.
Keep living your life in God's eye. Enjoy your life and the blessings of your family and friends. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Remember to smile often and to avoid that meat loaf ;)

L8TR     MISFIT     Bret

Re-reading this I think I should have mentioned that there is no reason to feel ashamed or sad. I wouldn't want to say that they couldn't feel that way, but there is no reason to. I really have never thought my life to be sad ... well, okay - before I came out of the closet and I felt I would be alone and unloved for ever - I thought it was sad, but I over came that. I certainly don't feel my life is saddened by the presence of a virus. There is no shame in not having thought of something before, especially if it hadn't touched your life before. The only shame I can think of would be to ignore the thought once it was had or to sit idly by rather then to do something - anything.

Hmm, 10pm. I think it's time to go dancing. Celebrate a little bit of that life I know I have.

9902.14 - Valentine's Day

His dreams where pleasant, but he woke. His eyes opened to glaring, graphic images and his heart sat still. He realized what a fool he had been.

I really don't like Valentine's Day. It seems I will never learn.
This may be in parts folks - I'm just killing some time before the card game ... if I stay for it.

Saw Devin out at the bar. He was at a table of four others. I knew one of them, I got very brief introductions to the rest. I asked if anyone wanted to dance, no one wanted to, I danced alone. Devin was watching my hat and coat for me. I passed by the table several times in the night. I noticed that the others slowly dwindled away. I saw Devin sitting very close with his arm around the last guy at the table with him.
I have to admit I was a little bothered, but I did only walk by. I know that Devin is a very friendly individual. We don't have anything going on, and I only saw about a second. I went back to dancing.
Suddenly there was a pair of hands on my hips and they pulled me in close. I looked back to see Devin. I smiled instantly. I looked at my watch - midnight - I wished him a happy Valentine's Day. He had told me earlier that it would just be the two of us playing cards (other roomie already in bed - early morning at work). He told me now that he was going to leave and go clean up the house (after I said 'what?' he clarified that he had a bad day and trashed the place and now he was going to go home and clean up). I told him I might leave early but I would see him about 2ish. He gave me a kiss and said good bye.
I suddenly realized my coat was now unattended. I went to go and get it and I saw him leaving with the other guy at the table. Something in my brain didn't sit right. I spent the next half hour rationalizing it. Devin doesn't have a car, he would need a ride.
The music went straight down hill. All very old disco remixes. Quite a few slow songs. I just couldn't dance. So, I left the bar. It was now just before 1am. I went to the store and picked up a half gallon of milk for the cookies. I drove to Devin's. I did say I might be early. Only his room was dimly lit, and and a 'strange' car was there. I drove past. I turned around and thought to myself that he wouldn't have lied to me. I didn't want to disturb anything, but I had to know. I parked in front of the house and walked up to his window - I could always  moo at him like before. Instead I saw a bare butt in the candle light making rhythmic motions.
I turned and left.
You know I actually considered going back to watch? What kind of torture is that to go through my head? I just had a desire to know the details. Who did what to who - did they enjoy it - what was said - whose butt I saw.
I am making myself physically ill thinking about this.
What hurts the most here is the lie. Devin could have just as easily told me he was going home with this guy and to not show up before 2am. I wonder if he planed to have him gone by then and then make a move on me later. I wonder if he likes me that way at all. I feel like I have been a little mislead by some of his actions. Maybe I just read more into it then he did.
I plan to wait until Poltergeist is over and take the tape over with me so he can watch it. I'll still give him the card the cookies and the candy. I just don't know if I can stay any longer then that. A lot of that may really depend on what he says. If he tries to pretend nothing happened, of if he does make a move on me.
Deep breaths, Bret. Calm down. The upset stomach and nausea are not worth it.
Why can't I ever know how hard I've fallen for someone until something like this happens? I should have know better. I met him the day before Halloween. I have a rule against dating anyone I meet around Halloween. I met 'the Puppy' on Halloween. I met Jerry on Halloween. I'm never myself on Halloween and they are wearing a mask also. It can't work out that way.

Cupid hates me.

:05:50

The Coward ran from the fight with fear, then suddenly stopped in his tracks. With defiant tones through clenched teeth he grabbed the shaft and fell to his knees. With what he thought was courage and inner strength, he yanked and pulled the shaft free. With a scream his knees grew week and he fell forward onto his hands, casting the arrow aside. He felt his warmth flowing away with his pain. Poetry swam through his head as tears streamed down his face. Then with anger and resentment he rose to his knees and looked up to the clouded sky. With the last of his rasping breath he screamed,
"WHY!?!"
As he remembered this pain again, a bolt of lightening struck him and god said,
"Because you let it happen."

That pretty much sums it up but I know you can't really follow that - so:
I went back. It was about 2:45 when I pulled into the driveway. No lights on, not even a TV glow, and the other car was still there. I thought about leaving everything on the porch - screw him if someone came and took it before he woke up. But I wanted to watch the tape myself. He's supposed to be here for X-Files, I'll give it all to him then.
I left. I came home and put the milk away. I had a burning desire to not be here. Anywhere but here. Then in my hand was the perfect excuse - one that had even more meaning now then it did when I made it. At 8pm when I woke up (Saturday) I made out some Valentine's. One for everyone that I could think would be at Sunday Dinner / X-Files and a few for people I was just thinking of - two of them I had no idea when I would get to them.
One of those was for Shawn McGee. I remembered what I wrote, grabbed my hat and coat and drove to KC to deliver it.
I drove like a bat out of hell. I was fleeing the situation and I knew it. I had to think though. I always think when I drive. I feel in control when I drive. Even if I don't know where I'm going, I have control over which roads I take. Hurling along at speeds never really meant for man, my fragile life is in my hands and I have a firm grip on the wheel and a feel for the road. Just as I paid my toll on the highway and began my acceleration "Fly away" by Lenny Cravits was playing.
Street lights where like stars. The darkness of the night enveloped me. The Land of Twisted Songs played one thought after another for me.
The Rayguns "Better of without you."
Cake "Goats go to Hell"
My gods, an hours worth of lyrics I knew and sang along with. A list so long I can't remember them all. As I pulled into KC I realized I was riding the very bottom of 'E' on the gas gauge. I stopped for gas. The wind bit deep into my shivering and once again I thought I might be sick because of how worked up I was. I really wish I could learn to cry, it might save me from moments like these. I got back in the car and tried to warm up. I drove to Shawn's and placed the card in the screen door. I thought about putting it on his windshield, but I remembered he has a car alarm and I doubt he would have appreciate having to turn it off because of me at 4:30am.
Images of the Mummy. On the front it reads,
"Happy Valentine's Day to an old friend."
I can't remember exactly what I wrote now - something to the effect of 'Thanks for being there even in ways you don't know about. May love fill your heart and your desires.'
I got back in the car and drove away somehow feeling better. Then Radiohead played.

"Creep" -the radio version, which was played but I didn't sing-
When you are at a party, can't look you in the eye,
You're just like an Angel, your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather, in your beautiful world
I wish I was special, so very special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around.
Your so very special, I wish I was special,
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
*I can't really understand this part*
Run - Run - Run - Run - Run
What ever makes you happy, What every you want.
You're so very special, I wish I was special
but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here. I don't belong here.

The Land of Twisted Songs didn't stop, but I was hearing more. I was driving calmer. Things that had been rolling over in my head began to fall into place.
"Why me?" I asked, and Cosmo answered,
"Because you let it."
All of this is me. My feelings, my mistakes, my pain, my doing. Devin and I never talked about a relationship between us - we joke about it. His hugs, his kisses (pecks on the cheek and lips) and cuddling on the couch - all innocent enough. I never explained how much they meant to me. He didn't lead me on, I lead myself.
I can't blame him for not knowing what I have never said. The fact that I was going to say a lot of it tonight is not the point, I hadn't said it yet. So, it hurts - but he didn't know.
The fact that he slept with someone else is also not the point. It doesn't diminish any feelings he might have for me (if he has them)  - Sleeping with Zam didn't diminish mine for him. I didn't sleep with Zam knowing he would be over soon - but it was a spur of the moment thing for me, the same could be said for Devin. I don't know everything that happened or his intents. This incident was just incredibly mistimed.
The only thing I'm still pissed about is the lie about cleaning his place. More so that he knew I would be coming over and even 45 minutes late (the second time) hadn't ended it or been ready to follow through on his own invitation. These are the only things I can hold against him - I have forgiven worse from people I've liked less.
Point is - I'm the only one reacting to a situation that I have made. It's happened to me a dozen times before, starting with Shawn. I've felt the pain of the Archer before. There is no pain or blood until in defiance I pull the arrow out. When will I learn?
As I pull into town, Stabbing Westward - "Why do you keep Haunting me?"
Why does it take something like this to make me realize how I feel? I don't know, but it seems to be a big trend in my life. Shawn, James, Zam, Jerry and many more, smaller maybe - but pain in the same cycle. Until it's threatened, I don't realize how much I've been protecting it. If it hurts me, I'm just as likely (if not more likely) to walk away from it risking no more pain then to try and fight for it.
My problem. My psychology. My cycle.
Question is now, What am I going to do about it?
Obviously, I'll have to talk to Devin. I'll have to understand his position before I decide to draw new lines. I'll have to decide if I can get over the hurt I still feel. If I can get myself to open up again after the hit. If I think it will be worth the pain.
When I don't know. Maybe tonight. I'd kind of like to be alone with him when we talk though. Don't really want to bring it up with everyone else around.
If I ever intend to make this Me a We, I have a lot of work to do.

I didn't tell you about the Card my Mother gave me.

Cover is red and orange with brush stoked hearts and flowers, and reads:

^With LOVE
And Pride
On Valentine's Day

Inside Red foil script reads,

With pride for all you've been,
With joy for all you are,
With hope for all you'll be,
And with love ...
for always.
Happy
Valentine's Day
Signed - Mom

In spite of all that has happened so far today - these words have been a comfort to me.
My gods, I just realized - all of this has happened today and it's barely ¼ over.
I really do hate Valentine's Day.

:16:15

I couldn't sleep. I figured if I was going to be up, now might be a good time to talk to Devin. I Drove over. That car was gone. Devin's roommate opened the door. He was cleaning the house - working off 'angry energy' he said. Devin's friend had parked behind him. When he had to leave in the morning he tried to drive around and scraped the side of his car on a pole. Currently Devin and his friend where out doing things.
I gave the roommate his Valentine's day card, put Devin's in his room. Left the cookies and candy in the kitchen and told the roomie to help himself to both or either, they where for the card game and that the tape had 'Poltergeist' on it (actually I just left it all there and started to leave - I then went back and told him all of this because I had forgotten). I confirmed that I would see them for X-Files.
I got back in the car and drove off aimlessly.
I found myself at Burnetts Mound. Just as I stopped, the radio played the chorus of a song from 'Jude' (I think the song was called Rick James).

Don't be fooled
Don't be flattered
It's not like you mattered
Not to me.

The song was about the exploitation of women in pornography, but the chorus stood out to me.
I got out of the car and stood at the top of the mound. I remember standing there without a real thought going through my head for some time. I considered going over to Brian and Tish's, I was right near there house. But what kind of company would I have been? Right now the only person I want to talk to about this is Devin. (I know you all must think this is a pretty shallow thought since I'm typing it all here for everyone in the world to see - but how many times have I said this journal is for me to write down my thoughts. It hasn't been posted yet. I'm writing to straighten things out in my head - this is for me. It will be yours only after I have posted it.) I considered going by Brian (T)'s work to see if he would be by tonight or working. I didn't for the same reason.
Got back in the car and drove home.
Cake - 'You're never there' "I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch, I need your understanding so much. You tell me you love me so, you tell me that you care, but when I need you - Baby - you're never there."
A song called Secret Smile - the chorus says "You don't know it, but you have a secret smile, that you use only on me"
I turned off the car and slammed the door and told Cosmo to shut the hell up.
The radio will never leave you alone - that is why I'm sitting here in silence now.

About a paragraph ago, I had a terrible thought. What if Devin brings his friend with him tonight? Devin is obviously oblivious to how I feel. I'm seeing three options here.
1) Devin doesn't even come - because he's with him or he figures out I'm mad.
2) Devin comes and pretends like nothing has happened. He won't have a clue to what he's done wrong.
3) Devin shows up with his friend - Still clueless to anything he's done wrong (which I have to keep reminding myself - he will probably think it was a very innocent lie, he doesn't know the consequences of it yet).
I'm still having a hard time understanding why anyone would be so callous to lie to anyone in a way that invites them to their house to see them fucking.

"Are you all right, Sire?"
"Well, I hurt to much to be dead. Pain is a part of life. I guess I'll be fine."

"Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional..."
- unknown

:18:25

Thought answering e-mail might distract me. I'm beginning to think I've probably made a few enemies or convinced e-pals I'm about suicidal.
Small example - when I was still in a good Valentines day mood (uh, Saturday) I made a Valentine's day e-mail for all my friends.

I know this thingy below is supposed to form something, but I think it got messed up in the translation. Is it a heart? Figured it prolly is. <G>
Anyway. Happy Valentine's Day. Hope yer having a good one!

yeah, it was supposed to be a heart. I guess I'll know never to try askie again.
Just one more thing to add to the list of fucked up things to happen today.
btw' valentines day SUCKS!!

Okay, I'm done now.
I really hope yours is going better then mine.
...don't get to concerned. I'm bitter now, but I'll get over it quick. I think all I really need is some real sleep. Hope I get it before I got to work on Monday.

Bret Turner wrote:

HAPPY XOX XOX
/
O O \
O \
/ O
MAY THE SPIRIT OF |
X |
LOVE BRING YOU X
X
ALL THE JOY AND
\ /
HAPPINESS IT O
O
TAKES TO FILL \
/
YOUR HEART X X
WITH
\ /
LOVE O O

\ /

VALENTINES DAY!!

God what a mess that turned into.

About a half hour before people start showing up for X-Files. I have got to put on a happy face. I just want to make it through tonight. I'll deal with the rest later.

I just realized - it's valentines day and so far, I've only smiled twice. Once just after Midnight as Devin came up behind me on the dance floor - and as I was sneaking up to the window to moo at him. I'm almost hoping he doesn't show up. At least passing out the other Valentines might make me smile again. The company of friends can help a lot.
Do you think it's in bad taste for me to have blacked this day out on the calendar? I left a frowning face on it, in red  :( To mello-dramatic maybe?

:23:15

This will be brief, I have company arriving.
Devin's friend dropped him off for X-Files - then ran away. That is actually an improper statement. I saw his car driving away as Devin came in. I was thankful that he didn't stay. I asked where his roomie was.

---
"I wish I knew." is all he said.
He then sat down on the couch next to me and put his arm around me and then whispered in my ear that he (the roomie) had stormed out of the house earlier and hadn't been seen since. I moved away from his arm and told him we would talk later. He returned the Poltergeist tape. I asked if he had watched it already. He told me he watched it last night as it was on TV while he was waiting for me to show up for cards.
"Why didn't you show up for cards? We stayed up until 3am then decided you must not be coming and went back to bed." Well, at least he said 'we' waited. But as we all know I was there at a quarter to three and they where not up. In reply to his question I said,
"I did show up. Twice. We will talk about it later." he sat pretty scrunched up on the couch for the rest of X-Files.
Before leaving I discovered he had to go home - no money or desire to eat with us, worried about his roomie. Really wanted me to open the card he gave me as he came in.
It's a pink envelope - I put it on the computer without a second thought, unopened. I have a very good feeling that he went and picked it out after he realized I got him a card. I opened it for him.
It's a picture of a pig with wings, and a bow and arrow. 'Well, when pigs fly-' goes through my mind. You open it up and it says,

LOOK!
It's Cupig!
Happy Valentine's Day.

(hand written)
Happy V-day buddy
you friendship is @
valued upon high

(Signed)

That song kept going through my head. "Don't be fooled - don't be flattered - It's not like you matter". I just wasn't amused.
After telling the others I would met them at the restaurant I got in the car with Devin.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"One problem at a time. Why did (roomie) storm out?"
Well, it was a short story, but I pieced it together pretty quick. I'm not the only one that was having a shitty day because Devin brought home some ass. ... I really need to calm down again.
I explained that to Devin and added in the car stuff. I really don't think Devin has a clue about the emotions he is manipulating and ignoring. - oh, say nice things or no things.
I then cut lose my line. "By the way, Devin. Don't ever lie to me again. Especially when that lie invites me to your home to see you fucking someone else while I'm holding an arm load of Valentines Day presents." He just sat there.
I explained that I came by twice that night. I know he lied about cleaning the house. I know he wasn't up until 3am. I wasn't about to interrupt what (or who) he was doing. I went home.
Then we talked on the way to his house - little small talk shit. I couldn't tell you if anything I said sunk in. I asked why his friend didn't come in with him.
"He hates X-Files. He's a Xena fan." Well, no accounting for taste ... nice things, only nice things.
Well, I have to say I hope he's happy. If he is, I'm happy for him. Really, I am. Bitter but happy. The guy is cute, I hope it's more then a one night stand. Because either way in one fell swoop he has terribly hurt two very close friends, and can't even fathom why or how he did it.

Smiles abound at Dinner, and as I hand out the Valentine's I had. It was the bright and shining spot in my day. I forgot to give Jen hers - Devin showed up about that time and X-Files was already running, I became distracted. I'll give it to her Tuesday at the movies if not sooner.

I'm going to try and sleep now. Big day - Monday.

9902.15

Do you know why they call us Gay? Because as long as we are single and happy they like us.
Do you know why we call ourselves Gay? To remind us that we should be despite them.

Sorry for the massive over generalization - but that is what I ran into all day at work. I had one vendor that actually talked to me and drew out what was bothering me and cared what I had to say. The rest (if it got this far) went something like this -
"What the hell is wrong with you today?"
"I had a very bad day yesterday - I'm still recovering."
"Sounds like women problems."
"I'm gay, so it's men problems, but it's all the same bag of worms."
"I'm not even going to ask any more. See you later."
(That was a combination of two conversations I had today.)

Pain is inevitable ... suffering is an option. I choose ... to get this over with.
Self Pity time! Let's put in the Smith's and the Cure. Break open the bag of chocolate chip cookies and that bag of Reese's peanut butter cups. I haven't felt the desire for complete self pity since high school and my dateing years in college.
Screw that - My stomach still doesn't feel that well. Lets take Jen her Valentines day card. She wasn't at work (lunch time) so I left it for her and called later. Went to look at porno mags but instead got caught up looking at Tattoo mags. Some really nice work in those, made me start thinking about getting one again.
Came home to a message from the Dr.'s office.
"Just called to see how you are doing. Call and let us know."
Well, I'm fine unless you know something I don't. Got transferred twice and never did find out what they wanted.
Went to bed. Woke up about a half hour before the alarm. Got dressed and went for a walk in the park (have I mentioned that the last two days have been the most beautiful near spring days I can imagine?). It was a lovely night out.
"Hello, water. Please grant me guidance. Grant me your placid nature, and fluid ability to adapt. Help me to work in unison with the other four elements. My spirit, the air, the fire within me, the earth below me. Thank you water."
Lance, grant me strength.
    It is just a pattern, a cycle. It will pass. You will persevere.
Bane, help me.
"Hey, sucker - watch this." And he touched my head and a thousand options played themselves out in my mind. Things I could have done, what I should have said, mass violence - specific violence, absolute surrender to pain and pity - and one apology ... from Devin.
It came in the form of a song, from Vast.

"Pretty when you cry" (some words changed)
You're made of my rib or baby
You're made of my sin
and i can't tell where my lust ends
and where your love begins
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you
i didn't want to hurt you
but you're pretty when you cry
and the moon gives me permission
and I enter through your eyes
You're losing your innocents and
all your will to compromise
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you
I didn't want to hurt you
But you're pretty when you cry
I didn't want to fuck you baby
I didn't want to fuck you over
I didn't want to fuck you
but you're pretty when you're mine
I didn't really love you baby
I didn't really love you
I didn't really love you
but I'm pretty when I lie
You hurt me baby
I hurt you baby
If you knew how much I love you
you would run away
but when I treat you bad
it always makes you want to stay
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you, but
you're pretty when you cry.

And I walked with a smile and began to laugh. When you hear it you can feel the depth of the pain and the honesty sincerity. When you read it you can hear the depth of the stupidity and the well of your own ignorance for listening. I'm not crying - I'm just pissed off.
"What is wrong with you today?"
"I gave someone the ability to hurt me, and they did."
'Never use a weapon unless you are ready or willing to have it used against you.' - Thank you Death Dealer -
"What was wrong with your Valentine's day?" I asked.
"Same as you, really. My expectations where to high. I expected more then just a single rose. After all I got him more then that."
'Sugar?'
Oh, what the hell are you doing here?!?
'Sugar?'
Go somewhere else. I have no desire to talk to you at all.
'Where shall I go?'
I've got a couple of suggestions, but I will not make them. I'm sure you have plenty of other places to go.
~"Hello."
  "What do you want?" I asked the man in the car.
  "Nothing."
  "Didn't you signal me?"
  "Yeah, but you didn't follow. You know you don't play by the rules."
  "I never have. I've been ban from the game a couple of times too. What do you want?"
  "I just thought maybe you ... wanted ... to..."
  "It's the day after Valentines day. Only the jilted and the desperate are out here. You think anything can happen with that combination out here?"
  "Well, I guess I never thought ..."
  "That's right, you didn't. Good night."~ didn't actually happen but I saw it in my head vividly.
The water ran through my fingers. I would move my fingers and the water would fall in a different place. I wondered what I could have done differently. How I could have changed the path of the water, of my life - all of it. Infinite possibilities. Then I realized for all the pretty patterns I could make, for all the manipulation that I do, the water still falls down - and into the drain. No point in "should have's" or "could have's". In the end, the result is the same. Can't change where a river has been - just where it will go now.
Got in the car and put the key in the ignition. The thought of the radio coming on made me pause. Cosmo and the Land of Twisted Songs have given me enough pause. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the next thought. I considered turning the radio off first. I didn't.
Future Mass Hysteria, the new music show was on. I didn't catch the name of the artist. The chorus was good though.

If there is something inside you want to say
Just say it
It will be alright - it will be alright.

I came home and began to write. I left the radio on. I'm feeling better. Not best, but much better. I think I can talk about it now. I know what has happened. I can forgive Devin. I am content with our friendship, but I really doubt I can let it go much further then that. The scar is still fresh though. I'm done dragging this through my mind and pounding it into the ground. Suffering is an option, one that I have exhausted at this point.
Anything else, Cosmo?

We've come a long way together baby.
Though the hard times and the good.
I have to celebrate you baby.
I have to praise you like I should.
I have to Praise you.
- "Praise you" by Fatboy Slim.

"Thank you Cosmo. Thank you Lance, and Bane. Porter, that just leaves you.
Please, show me where I am, and guide me forward." The old man winked as he turned the page on the book of my life.

9902.17 But only just

All day at work I was so chipper most people asked what the hell was wrong with me. Once you truly deal with something and decide you don't want to suffer - you won't suffer any more.
Another reason for my good mood - Shawn (McGee) called me at work this morning. Wanted to tell me that he was still a bit under the weather so no painting again. I asked if he got his card - he said yes, soon as he got back into town. Funny isn't it? He wasn't even there, and he still made me feel better. Fortunately, it was very slow in the morning and we actually got to talk for quite a while (most of his drive to work). He told me all about his trip out of town.
Jen wasn't feeling well, so I went and saw "Mighty Joe Young" by myself. Didn't have enough money for the Twizzlers this time (that's two movies in a row now without Twizzlers). It was a great film.
Then I went over to Devin's to give him his messages and to ask him about when he wanted to come over and use the computer (he has two projects he needs to tie up). After which, I went for a walk. It got much colder, but as long as I kept moving I was okay.
Ate, watched some TV, worked on the Dark Past Journals a bit (I'm so far behind on that). Going to take a nap since I had to wake up early for the movie.

This was mostly just to let you know that I have returned to the mundaneness of my life - once again am smiling - and am actually happy about the little roller coaster ride I took. Unexpected turns and dips are what makes the ride fun, and teaches you if you have actually learned anything from the first part of the ride.

Oh - some really good quotes again.

"To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one
must observe."
-Marilyn Vos Savant

"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities crept in - forget them as soon as you
can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it well and serenely,
and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old mistakes and
nonsense."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your
attention."
-Richard Moss

"Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in reaching them with
your hands. But like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you
choose them as your guides, and following them you will reach your
destiny."
- Carl Schurz

"Between the great things that we cannot do and the small things we
will not do, the danger is that we shall do nothing."
-Adolph Monod

"Peace comes not from the absence of conflict in life, but from the
ability to cope with it."

9902.20

I've actual been a bit busy. Nothing spectacular, lots of e-mail and a friend over. Getting ready to go out (nothing like calling the bank and finding out that you actually do have more money then you thought - ... not enough, but more then I thought).

This is actually just a reminder to myself to write. I want to remember to write about Brian's Valentine's day card. Remember to mention my participation in a project. Remember to share a letter which will show that I am not alone, yet I am still an exception to the rule.

I'm off to make food - go dancing - hopefully find Devin and give him the last two days of phone messages (it's actually just one message) - don't know if he's going to be able to play cards or not, he has a new job (maybe two). I may never get to see him again for all the hours he expects to work.

The night is new and full of possibilities. I'm off to explore them.

9902.21

If I get nothing else done tonight, I really need to do this. As I've told about a dozen other people tonight - I am avoiding my responsibilities at the computer tonight. At least saying that brought up my web page and it's HIV contents before we advanced a bit past that. - Okay, more on that later.

Brian's Valentine's day card. Brian (T) came over to catch up on X-Files that he had missed while working and just to catch up in general. I hadn't really seen him a few weeks. When he came over, I had just started to make food for myself while Devin was working on the computer. I then started to make some food for him while we caught up on our weeks and listened to Devin groan in frustration at the computer. I gave Brian his Universal Monsters Valentine's Day card. After a while Devin requested a ride home - having been up way to long that day he said he wasn't mentally up to working with the computer. I set Brian up with the X-Files tape and told him I would be back in about a half hour.
When I returned he was playing a game on the computer. He decided he wanted to wait for me to watch the X-Files. I grabbed my food out of the kitchen and I asked him about his Valentine's Day. He related a few details (it was a good day, he had hoped for a bit more, but time worked against him) and he then asked about mine. He sat in wide eyed amazement as I relate the story. After I told him that I was really okay - because I realized I had set myself up for the fall - he just got up and said 'Hold on'. *L* I thought he had to go to the bathroom or something.
He came back into the room with a red envelope.
"I had this on the keyboard earlier, but I thought you would see it to soon. So, I put it on your bed, but I think you should read it now."
I turned the envelope over and began to laugh. Hand written on the flap was,

So it's late, what did you expect?

Inside was a card that looked like nothing I thought Brian would pick out for me. It's a cream colored card with a border of vines and roses, very "frilly". The quote on the front said a lot though.

Nothing
on earth
can make life
more worthwhile
Then a true,
loyal friend
and the warmth
of a smile.
HELEN STEINER RICE

Inside the card, the sentiment was echoed with this.

This comes
on Valentine's Day
to thank you for being
all the special things
a friend should be,
and to tell you how much
our friendship means.

Happy Valentine's Day

As if this wasn't enough - yes, words that have touched me as much as my Mother's card, and there is more. Hand written on the left side -

Bret,
I have been known, on occasion, to receive a compliment or two on something I've written, said, or thought. Sometimes I can take full credit for my creation, sometimes I must, however, give some credit to family, friends, or (shamefully enough) society. I find myself accrediting you more often than any other one person.

Other than a few minor details (the fact that your gay and don't like sports being two examples) I still wouldn't mind being like you if I ever grow up.

Thank you for being you.

I can't tell you how much my friends mean to me. They have always been there for me and I can't find the words strong enough to thank them.
Brian made me realize that Valentine's day has become about all the wrong kinds of love. Even though I suffered a bit of a shock on Valentine's Day, I also received a lot of love. Love I was almost blind to. Family and Friends make me strong.

The Project - Someone in the Gay Dairy Ring reached out for some help. It's a great idea, and one that I am happy to try and help plan and put together. The idea is to come up with support and a revenue of resources for the victims of abuse and violent crimes on the net. As I told him, I'm not the victim of abuse, but I have met many. I have always felt a bit helpless trying to help them - I want the cycle of abuse to stop so that there are no more victims. I'll let you know how this progresses.

The Letter - I've been receiving a few e-mails about my page. I'm over joyed to know that it is seen by more then just myself and the friends I've told about it. This letter I asked if I could share because I wanted - "to let others know that such things do still happen - I've been very lucky to avoid such things and I think many that read my journals may think that I am a standard for the way things happen. I want to make sure they understand that compared to many - I have it easy." I have edited this a little bit to protect his identity (though he apologizes for being tired and bit disjointed, I think much of it may come from my editing).

Hi Misfit, I am writing to you because I am an Artist Also, although I was never fortunate enough to be able to attend College for that profession, nevertheless I was and am an Artist and earned my living in that capacity for almost my entire adult life. I am very very pleased and I must say a little shocked by the candor and humility and beauty of
your thoughts. I am not complementing you, I am far beyond that kind of trifling at this point.
I was amazed at the intelligence with which you write and express yourself, I am a bisexual male but have always gotten along better Mentally and Emotionally with other men. I am a science and health and medical research (biochemistry) NUT and have been since about the age of 5 so HIV did not change or add to that.
I was almost sure that living as I was I would sooner or later end up with HIV and mostly because of being involved in High risk behaviors like homosexual sex. I decided to live or try to live the rest of my life as totally straight before it was too late. That was a complete fallacy, the girl I eventually met and fell in-love (if there is such a
thing) with gave me the HIV virus that I was running from into the Heterosexual existence which gave me the disease which I was so desperately trying to avoid, then she just disappeared, her friends
think she already knew she was sick when she infected me, as she will not even respond to nor contact any of them, even those she knew before
we met.
I never realized that you could have fully blown Aids and still not feel sick or have symptoms until it was too late to effectively treat the disorder.  I was aware that this was the case before effective
(if you can call them that) treatments were available, but yet I know people who've been sick for as long as 14 yrs. and are doing quite well
and were doing well before there were treatments, and , almost without exception, they are people with attitudes and viewpoints similar to yours and mine, and they feel that this difference in attitudes, from one of despair and absolute surrender, to accepting things and living life to its' fullest, regardless of how rich or poor that definition
might appear, in the face of other's quality of life, has been the cornerstone of their survival, and so do their physicians with whom I have spoken personally.
When I discovered that I was sick, it was because I had been working 2 jobs as well as trying to advance my Artisanship, when suddenly almost what seemed like overnight, I began regurgitating, defecating, and urinating blood, and could not walk more than around 20 ft. without becoming dizzy and passing out.
I don't know why I should boar you with all of this but I am and was truly impressed by your determination to survive this disease. I haven't met anyone else who has this illness who is aware of how
important being willing to discuss and talk and learn about this illness unashamedly is to their survival and now I know that you are such a person and very good at expressing that.
Damn, I wish I had kept a running diary as you have, it would have been very interesting to see how my attitudes have changed since contracting the virus and the irony with which it took place.
I am currently beating all the physician's predictions for my state of health, since I was given 3 weeks to live in 1996. I was almost
murdered by my states HMO and found evidence that they had know of my condition for 3 years before informing me and cancelled my insurance due
to my having this illness and yet when questioned about why that they had cancelled the medical insurance they could not respond with anything
which could be seen as reasonable cause and yet would not re-instate the insurance until I took my proof of their activities to the State congressman and proved to him that they were attempting to murder me and others by Medical Negligence and further proved it to him by showing that this state had been caught doing just that in 1989 a few years
before, not only that but when he contacted them they sent me no less than 6 (six) medical benefits cards to 6 different HMOs simultaneously and none covered HIV treatment. In fact the only card they did not send at the congressman's request was the One which Paid for HIV treatment.
I am alive because I caught them before I died, I have caught various Doctors in gross errors in judgement concerning my treatment options, and I took all those nasty little Indian Herbs that they
continually say are not effective, but they kept me alive for close to a year without access to Medications due to the lack of Medical insurance
and Ignorance of the various organizations which provide cost free medication to those who cannot otherwise afford it, but even they require a prescription from a qualified physician and I did not have the insurance to pay for one and as an Artist who was now to sick to work in the craft show - flea market type endeavors which had always provided for me.
Thank God for the mind He gave me! If not for the clear and intelligent thought that it supplied me with, I am certain I would be dead. I have found my HIV manager (physician) to be incorrect on over 5
separate occasions on issues of Medications and treatments, however I am convinced that he is doing all that he can or is being allowed to. Unfortunately the AIDS organizations here have fallen into a prestige-seeking-social status exercise rather than actually helping the victims of this illness and most as you so aptly point out are not only ashamed to talk but afraid that if they do share their experiences and trials that others will be offended or feel that they are sympathy seeking, so, sadly, most go through this experience alone and dejected and feeling like they want to die rather than seeing that YOU CAN LIVE such as it is! I know it has to be infinitely preferable to death.
I have been up all night so I am not communicating my thoughts very well besides the fact that I am so excited to have found your site.
I am currently living on 500.oo / month SSI and cannot afford much but would love to hear from you, you seem one of the most well educated and dynamic individuals I have encountered since having been diagnosed with this illness as most seem to retreat into a world of depression, drugs, and sometimes social revenge and anger. I am pleased that you do not appear to be this type of person and wish I could get to know you better and perhaps learn to put up a web site as you have. I am getting fatigued now so will let you go thanks for listening as senseless as it seems it means a lot.

Stories like these really do encourage me to continue this endeavor of mine. I have encouraged him to put up a web page. It is with ideas, view points and concerns like his that the web should be filled. There are an infinite amount of options for constructing one - for free even. In the mean time, I will continue to do my best to show what life is - with or without HIV.

Okay, at the beginning of this I promised a few details.
I mean a few.
Since my little Valentines day escapade I have had the burning desire to prove to myself that I can be loved. Even though Brian showed me that I am - I still seek that special kind of love that includes sex as well as friendship, respect and caring. Of course, I'm pursuing it in all the wrong places.
I went out to the bar and saw the same collection of old bar friends, cliched teenagers, and raging drunks. I then left. Wanting that feeling of control again - I just set out driving. I ended up in Lawrence - at the Campanile (for those that don't know it, has a reputation as a cruising and pick-up area). I just started walking around. It was very cold out. Someone started to follow me a little while - at that time I realized that the three coke's I had at the bar earlier really wanted out. I turned a few corners and thought I had lost him. I stood by this tree waiting to make sure, and when I was sure (but disappointed) that the guy was not following me any more then I started to pee. No sooner did I start, he did come around the corner. - Doh! - And he stopped. - Doh! -
Well, after I finished peeing and put everything away, we started to talk. Then we went back to my car. With full knowledge of my being HIV positive and my admittedly being completely unprepared and having no condoms (I can't believe I am this stupid! - Murphy's law though, if I did carry them, this never would have happened) he still suggested a very safe - more. Afterward we continued to talk and I gave him a ride home. He asked for my web address, I gave it to him. I hope he isn't embarrassed that I talked about this.
I stopped at the X rated movie store on the way home. Got to say I prefer the other sexual activity and really wish I would have had condoms with me, but this is what I'm left with now.
I now pledge to start carrying condoms with me at all times. Though I really wish there was more conversation first, I don't want to be caught unprepared again. I really feel as though I let this other guy down by not being able to follow through on things I really did want to do. If Murphy's law does then hold up, I can be prepared for others as well - Hey, if you see me around and you don't have a condom and need one - ask me.

I've got a lot of TV and Tape to watch. I guess the Dark Past Journals and the Front Gate overhaul will just have to wait.

9902.21:16:45

I sat in my crystal house typing my journals (in German) on a keyboard made of Christmas candy. It was Halloween and I was waiting for the children to trick or treat. Finally the Charlie Brown kids showed up with a Mother dressed as a witch. They each very carefully chose black or orange wrapped taffy from a dish. Then the mother sent over a small black child with a plate that had a large cookie cut like a pie to give to me. I tried to explain that it was Halloween and I had to give him treats, not the other way around. The child became terrified and ran away. The Mother witch explained,
"The second time you ask for treats you must give your benefactor a cookie or the dead will haunt you for being greedy. It's an older ritual."
I picked up the dropped and broken cookie and thanked her. As they moved on the kid covered in a sheet said,
"I got a rock." and I smiled as the mother tried to explain he couldn't have - he picked up his own taffy.
I then went next door to relate the story to my neighbors. They lived in the old run down, square like house of the Munsters. They where very nice people though, except the husband (who was represent by the actor that almost always plays an arrogant prick - William Atherton - who was on Outer Limits last night). He made fun of the whole Halloween ritual. As I was leaving their house and walked away on the foggy moor I looked back to see him waving good bye. As a joke I then looked shocked and point behind him yelling "Look Out!" He turned around suddenly to find nothing but me laughing as he turned back around.
"ha ha, very funny." he said blandly. Then suddenly a Zombie sprang up behind him and bit his neck, tearing his head off. I turned to run only to have him standing in front of me - now a Zombie himself. He reached for me and I ran. I was trying to make it home and I kept yelling out - asking why he was after me.
"I want our cookie." He told me. "Don't you have cookies?"

I woke up heart racing thinking I would never make it home in time to find the tray of cookies - not that it would matter - he wanted homemade cookies (meaning I had to make them) and wouldn't have the time to make them and still defend myself.
I haven't had a nightmare in a long time. Think it was about not being prepared and having condoms?

Went back to sleep. Erotic dreams about the men I had just watched. Brown skinned Hispanic men with beautiful smiles and big -
= MEOW! = I woke suddenly to Doctor's yell in my ear. I rolled over and got him comfortable under the covers. As I fell asleep he climbed out, but I was once again dreaming about muscular men with strong hands holding the hips and ankles of willing partners and -
= MEOW! = I woke suddenly again to Doctor's yell and once again put him under the covers and told him to stay put or shut up one of the two. I then fell asleep once again and began to dream of smooth skinned sweat glistening men caressing each other pool side in the sun.
= MEOW! = "What the Hell!?!" I yelled out in Doctor's face. "What do you want from me?!? I fed you! I'm right here! You've been under here twice already. What!?!" He wondered to the end of the bed for a moment, then came back, crawled under the covers and lay down. He stay there content now, but I was dreaming of different things.

I was in my old house, writing in my journals. Granny was wondering around with her walker in a shear night gown, confused by all the noise around her. Grandma was running around cleaning house and telling Granny to get out of her way. Mother was doing laundry and yelling at Grandma to be nicer to her mother. Granny was confused, not really all there mentally but struggling to be so. As she pushed her walker around she kept running over the cords of the electric blankets, and the wheels would cut them. This would make both my mother and my Grandmother angry and they would shove Granny around and put her in a corner. Granny would sit there and cry and try to pick the Kleenex up off the floor. I tried to help her, but got called away.
I remember an early fall garden. Still warm, and sunny but all the vegetation and trees where brown. Willow trees and people dressed in white at a kind of picnic. I don't know why I was there.
When I returned Granny was still crying in the corner. Grandma and my Mother where fighting over who was doing more work. Grandma stormed out of the house. My mother then turned to me and started to complain that she was the only one that ever did any work there and wasn't sure how anyone expected her to take care of everybody in the world.
I lost my temper and started to yell at mother. "How Dare You! Everybody in this house works hard. I've seen it! Everyday! Just because your life isn't easy doesn't mean you are the only one doing the work!" Mother (who in this dream was a looming, huge figure) was shocked and disgraced and ran into the kitchen as I continued to yell and list off not only the things I had seen her do, but the things that Grandmother did and the things that Granny tried to do. Mother began to mix cookie dough for me. I woke up thinking I didn't want her to make cookies - that was my job and I wasn't going to let her get away with doing all the work. I was still angry.

I looked at the clock. I'd only been asleep 4 and a half hours. Lately I haven't dreamed much that I can remember. Now in one very brief period I have had three distinct dreams. One that I woke from terrified. One that was interrupted multiple times much to my dismay. And one that I awoke from angry. I looked at the clock again, and then looked at Doctor sitting on my chest.
"I almost did it." I said to Doctor. I went to sleep at about Noon. Right when I was supposed to. It was my goal to sleep until 6:30 so that I might actually not have to take a nap before work and screw up my sleep schedule. But, now I'm awake. Four hours will not cut it. I had to write this down before I forgot. Now I have to go and get beverages (I have no milk or soda - people will be here for Sunday dinner and X-Files soon). I'll have to call it a night after dinner and take a nap. I won't be sleepy when I get home from work. ... This has been an utterly bizarre weekend - but I do have condoms in my coat pocket now - Both coats even.

9902.23

Alley McBeal on Monday night - that really ... stung. The writing for that show was spectacular especially the material between Alley, Billy and Tracy.
"Love is wasted on you." is the line that sticks out the most in my head. It was lead up to so well, it was with out a doubt one of the most astute observations that show has made. And the fact that I very much identify with Alley made me stop and think about myself and my relationship history (and lack of it). Am I so caught up in being alone and longing for something more that it is where I am most comfortable and fight to stay? Are my self esteem issues so deep that I feel I'm not worthy of any love that I do receive? Is love wasted on me?
I don't have any easy answers. There are times, instances and places I can yes and no to all of the above questions. I can tell you that what I feel and what I know come up with different answers. I can tell you that like Alley - I don't want to believe it, but the best reply I can give is that I am gaining on happiness, and one day I'm sure I will find it.

Once again the quotes of the day echo my concerns.

Anonymous Quotes:
"The secret of contentment is the realization that life is a gift, not a right."

"Once you begin to understand life, you don't need an excuse to be confused."

"There is no absolute Truth."

It seems like every discussion I had to day took twists and turns into the very bizarre. Just an observation. I'm beginning to wonder if Cosmo is talking more, or if I'm just listening more. My beliefs tend to make me think the latter.

Did I mention it snowed here ... a lot. Have I mentioned before how much I hate snow? I thought so.

9902.27

Wow, it really has been that long.
Someone mentioned to me earlier that they couldn't keep a journal, they would just quit after a while. I told them that once you realize that the journal is keeping you sane then it's easy to keep coming back.
Good news is - this isn't a mental health call. I just realized I have been spending a lot of my time doing other things and hadn't been here for a while. I didn't realize it had been nearly a week. Nothing has really happened.
I got my Neilson book, so I have been writing down what I watch. I'm supposed to write down tapes that I watch also. Finally got around to watching "Mr. Holland's Opus" (fantastic film) but I think I may wait to watch "Dick's and Robbers" (an X rated film) for the rest of the week.
Here's a little note - why is it that within the last year I've noticed that I can sit at home and watch a movie and cry like a baby (okay, I'm exaggerating a little) but I still can't cry for my own real life tragedies (like when I wanted to for Valentines Day)? Is it the mark of really good Film or poor emotional conduct?
I've been spending a lot of time answering e-mail. It's not that I have a ton of it (more then usual, but still not in double digits or anything) but it just seems to be taking me longer to answer it. I don't know if I'm typing slower or thinking harder but it's annoying to find you have answered only two or three letters and almost an equal amount of hours have passed.
Well, It's Saturday night. Work has bugged the shit out of me all week and now is the time to forget about. I have only a brief amount of time to myself, I'm going to enjoy it.
I'm ready to go out dancing. I'm supposed to go over to Devin's to play cards (some how I think that isn't going to happen - he has a real job now with rough hours and I just don't think he realizes that he is inviting me over at 2am to play cards until dawn. We'll see.) I've been trying to get over to see Dave's new house (Dave is one of the Truck Drivers I work with - the one I stood in line for Titanic for), but we keep missing each other. Tried again tonight but he doesn't appear to be home.
So, here I sit writing this, rather then the stack of e-mail I have, and eating twice the dinner I meant to have (I misread the directions and to fix the mistake had to double the amount I was making). I'm fully loaded with condoms (two different sizes even - all in date) so I'm sure that nothing will happen now. It's funny, now I kind of remember why I stopped carrying 'the lottery ticket' (a reference to an Alley McBeal show). I decided that not only did I not want to appear 'eager, ready and willing' but that I didn't want to give myself the option of being that. I wanted to make myself stop and try to develop a relationship. Well, lately I've discovered that it is much better to be prepared then truly frustrated when the option was available.
Had a duel odd thought today, as my brain raced around in my skull. First was what would I do if a teenager (I mean a young teenager, maybe not even old enough to drive) came to me thinking they may have HIV but didn't want to tell their parents. My answer was that I would help them in any way possible and encourage them to tell their parents. What if I knew the parents? Harder - same answer. Then the brain rolled over and gave me a new one - What if they thought I had given them the virus? (FIRST AND FOREMOST - Let me point out this is all THEORETICAL and FICTION in my head - I often play at 'What If?') It became a big 'what if' in my head all together forgetting all other presuppositions - What if some one thought I had given them the virus, despite all the precautions I take not to? What would I do? How would I feel?
Regardless I kept coming up with one answer - I would feel bad that it had happened. I didn't care if they were the most intelligent, well educated individual that understood every risk involved - I would feel bad that I had spread the virus. How bad - can't answer that until it happens ... but I think very bad. Maybe more guilt then I could handle (not as in life ending guilt - but most definitely filling out the forms to the monastery life ending guilt).
I think much of this thought process has been brought up from strings of about 3 conversations that I'm having in e-mail - but in the long run ... I think it's a new issue I have to face up to. Maybe part of the reason I haven't 'really' looked for a relationship is because I'm afraid of 'sharing' a part of me that wasn't in the original plans.

Maybe this turned into a mental health call after all.

"Look, Sire! A new monster! Go get 'em, Sire! Go get 'em!" He said with enthusiasm as if encouraging a dog to fetch.
"Jester," I said in low monotones "I am not amused."
The Jester stifled the grin and looked on with concern as the monster gnaw on the King's arm.

9902.28

Okay, tonight's theme was - "How many times can we prove you wrong."
I went out thinking I was going to dance the night away - there where strippers at the bar - no dance floor until very late. Not such a bad thing, saw a few people out I hadn't seen in a long time and got to talk to them for awhile. One of them stepped in front of me to get a look at the stripper and then looked back and apologized to me.
"Didn't mean to block your view."
"It's alright." I said. "I'm not watching." and I really wasn't. It's not that they weren't good looking, but I was hyped to dance and they were pissing me off just by being there.
"No," he said with a smile. "I mean sorry to block you from view so others can't see you." he said it as a joke to flatter me. I kind of was.
"It's still alright." I said. "No one sees me anyway."
"Oh, that is just rude!" He said turning back to me.
"Rude to me." I replied.
"I know but you shouldn't say things like that!"
"Why? It's true!" He gave me a hug and told me to shut up. I went back to talking to his lover.
Finally the dance floor opened up. I made the comment that the music would probably suck - Boy was I wrong (again) - I didn't leave the dance floor until it was time to go.
While I was dancing there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a guy that I have had a bit of a long distance crush on for a long time. I always say hi to him but we never really talked.
"My Brother really thinks you're attractive." Talk about a let down with a bright side - not to mention, now completely wrong (notice the theme?) about never being seen. Well, I had a odd thought - his brother may be as cute as he is. I asked who his brother was - he pointed over into the corner. Wrong again. Okay, the guy was not unattractive, but just not the kind of guy I like to look at. Quite a few things actually ran through my mind in a flash. 1) Don't judge by appearances, I have only twice in all the times I've fallen in love done so with someone I like to look at. The more I fall the more attractive they become. 2) If he isn't courageous enough to come over and talk to me himself how could he possibly brave the rest (read a three letter virus). 3) What do I reply?
"Tell him I'm flattered." is what I said. I almost add - tell him when he's courageous enough to introduce himself to me we'll talk - but I didn't, I stopped there. Btw' I've always hated using someone else to 'find out if the coast is clear' and likewise always hated people that offer to go over and say something for you. When I'm ready, I'll go. I would hope the same is true for the rest - when they are ready, they will talk to me (and more power to them! I am shy). As he went back to the table I considered changing the answer to "Tell him not to send a boy to do a man's work." but I considered that not only is that a bit insulting to him, it would be a little insulting to the messenger. All in all I think I shut up when I should have - the other answer would have given him false bravado and he would have approached with a false sense of confidence. I acknowledged the the compliment and that was all that was necessary. I watched as he told him. His eyes rolled up a bit and he sank back down into his beer - something else that kind of turned me off.
What really struck me here was that it was really obvious they where brothers at this point. The way they interact remind me a lot of the way Jason and I interact. There was a time when Jason used to do this for me (this is how I learned not to do it this way). We have gotten a bit past that. Later, I saw something I could have seen happening between Jason and I, but that Jason would have died for later.
He and his brother came out to the dance floor together (this was a couple of beers later). They danced together for a moment (near me) then the guy that approached me turned his brother around to face me while he was dancing - then the little shit grinned real big and left him dancing there by himself. The brother gained points for being strong enough to stay there, and at a lull in the music he introduced himself to me. I said I was glad to have met him and told him my name. He asked if he could dance with me (which he already was basically - but it was nice to be asked) and I said yes. I then dance with him for the remaining 15 minutes I had. He was so nervous - it was flattering, but unnerving in itself. At a quarter 'till I reached out and pulled him in so I could talk over the music. I said that I was really glad to have met him - hope to see him again, and that I was sorry, but I had to go now. He thanked me for the dance and we hugged. I grabbed my coat and left.
Remember I said I doubt Devin would be awake and ready to play cards? I was wrong (still). It was just the two of us though. I declared that I would kick his ass tonight.
I won the first round of Rummy 545 to 505. Not really an Ass Kicking, but I did win. I said I could do it again. - Devin won 585 to 305 ... ouch!
It was a great time though. I finally got him to talk to me a little about his boyfriend. I've invited him (the boyfriend) over for X-Files and dinner. Devin said he would try, but he thinks he might be afraid of me. When I asked why that would be the case (he does not know about what happened Valentine's morning - whew!), he said that it was because he knows we think alike and didn't know if he could put up with two of us. Anyway, what I really did get from the conversation was that Devin really does like this guy. He smiles a lot at the mention of his name. I couldn't be happier for him. I really hope things go well for him - and I hope he gets over his fear of Devin's friends (It's not just me).

So, Porter, you trying to tell me something about my place in the world here?
At least you didn't prove me wrong about nothing happening since I was carrying condoms.

Got just a little bit of work to do before bed. Then it's X-Files and Dinner and a whole new month.

© 1999 February (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)