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Doh!
Thus the year begins with lots of snow. Tried to get my lab paper work but they where
closed - good thing I went any way, found a man trying to walk in this crap. I gave him a
ride. He asked where I was going. I said I was on my way to the Dr. for some paper work.
He asked what for. An absolute stranger - I easily could have lied or just glossed it
over, but I said it was for Blood tests, because I was HIV+. I kind of expected him to
freak or ask to get out - but he didn't, he asked questions. Why is it so set up in my
head that everyone fears HIV. I think more then anything people are very curious - willing
to learn. Again, one or two bad apples gives the rest of the world a bad name.
DYE and I went out for New Years for a while. Then we came home and I went back to bed
before work (I had only been asleep for about four hours previously). I'm almost of the
opinion that DYE doesn't sleep - I know he does, but not for long.
Okay, snow depression coupled with food and a movie waiting for me is going to cause me to
go away now.
"Omnia mutanur, nos et mutamur in illis."
(All things are subject to change and we change with them.)
"There is only one passion, the passion for happiness!"
-Denis Diderot
"Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater
achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much
time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize
others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger."
-Christian Larsen
Quotes of the day - I really like getting those. Sometimes they make me think.
New Years Resolutions.
1) Stay debt free
2) Start the Savings account
3) For the first time actually follow through with the exercise program.
4) Don't expect to much of myself - really.
5) Get back to sleeping on a regular basis.
Speaking of which ~ Good night. I have people that might be coming over tonight for readings, then I will be going out - It is Saturday after all.
We went out. There was nearly no one out. I seemed to know about 50% of the people that
were out. It had all the ear marks of being a lousy night out - But I had a really good
time.
I started out by playing a friend in darts. I won both times. Then I went out to the dance
floor. A friend I hadn't seen in a long time danced with me most of the night. I then
watched DYE and a friend play some pool and talked with some of the other people that I
knew. Just as closing time approached, I found one of my friends surrounded by a bunch of
attractive new faces. I walked by (because I was looking for him) and said,
"Oh, there you are. Surrounded by good looking men." To which one of them
replied,
"I hear you have your nipple pierced." I was a bit surprised. My friend then
instructed that guy to stick out his tongue, which was pierced. We then began to trade
piercing stories. Turns out these three guys where from California ~ near Long Beach ~ and
had been to a few of the bars that Mike had taken me to. Some of the conversation got
fairly suggestive (Started with, "May I be blunt? There are a lot of things you could
do with that feather that he would really enjoy." (Talking about the feather in my
hat). I kind of steered the conversation away from that - I could tell these three guys
where looking for one-nighters while they where in town ~ as attractive as I thought they
where, I wasn't prepared to be one. Later on the same guy asked me if he was too blunt. I
told him No, I really appreciate it - after all I had a WebPage where I kept an on-line
journal and I am blunt more often then many like). It felt good to be hit on though. My
friend that was with them originally offered to give them a ride back to their Hotel,
however there where three of them, and he had brought a friend of his out that night
(meaning he was trying to figure out how to get 5 people in his two door truck). One of
the Californian's offered to ride in the back of the truck - we explained he had NO
idea what he was suggesting (His Cali butt would have died of exposure
in the three block drive in subzero weather with greater wind chills even if the car
didn't move). Anyway, I offered to give the other friend a ride home so he could just fit
'snuggly' the four of them in the cab. On the way home DYE, friend and I hoped that our
other friend would get lucky that night.
Maybe I had a good time because more then usual I talked to and was hit on by
others. Maybe the whole thing is some kind of ego trip for me. Bad reason to go out. Going
to have to look this problem over in my head.
Once at home, DYE offered to make dinner. I then got kicked out of the kitchen (we tried
to figure out what to make. After that I tried to help and just kind of took over until
DYE said, "I thought I was cooking." Realizing what I had done, said I was sorry
and left the kitchen) and cued up the tape for 'DS9', 'Outer Limits', and 'Poltergeist'.
We watched TV and ate. DYE then decided it was time for Bed. While he was making his bed I
snuck in behind him and scared the shit out of him. He chased me back out into the front
room and tried to tickle me (not much success - he's much more ticklish then I am) but I
was already laughing so hard I could barely breath. DYE vows to get even - good luck :)
Anyway, after he went to bed I put in some porno tapes. Bad move on my part. Though it is
what I usually do early Sunday morning - I didn't need to reinforce my fantasies about the
three guys from California. I started to beat myself up about not following through on
some of the suggestions. I also (DYE ~ stop reading over my shoulder ... thank you)
started to fantasize about the tickle session with DYE. Actually that thought has occurred
to me more then once here recently but I think it would be incredibly awkward for that to
happen with him living here. I just don't want him to feel 'obligated' for any reason - if
it did happen I think in the back of my head I would always think he did. I'll have to
wait for him to move out before I can even entertain that thought. I have also, begun to
reminisce about my past loves - mostly Zam.
Now in bed, I have a few strange dreams, which I can barely remember, and wake up to the
sound of my upstairs neighbors do it above my head. Going to town! Even fell off the bed
once. This didn't help rid me of the thoughts I had already placed in my head.
So I woke up and came here. I don't have nearly enough sleep - but I'm not tired any more.
After this I'm going to proof-read my old Recent journals and make hard copies (something
I have been putting off for a while now). I have a lot of reading to do (starting at R22
about December of last year).
I'm off to try and keep my mind out of the gutter. ... But as my friend at the bar said
last night,
"When I'm in the gutter all I can do is look up. Everyone is an angel from
here."
"You just like laughing at me, don't you?" She said embarrassed. I couldn't
help it. I went over and gave her a hug, still laughing, and said,
"You give me something new to laugh about everyday. It's why I love you." I then
walked to the back again and started to laugh uncontrollably every once in a while as I
remembered.
I went back up to the front looking for Hold Tickets (kind of a temporary invoice) when I remembered I had forgotten to clock in this morning. As I was making a time card (they always start new for me on Monday) and writing in my time, the Blonde (This is how I have always referred to her) asked me what I was doing. I explained how I often forget to clock in now since I only have 30 seconds to run across the store and turn the alarm off every morning. After that run I feel like I'm already working and start doing other things and forget to clock in.
"So, you feel like a Musician every morning, huh?" I was not following her logic.
"A Musician?"
"Yeah!" I was still lost. I tried to clarify.
"You mean the guys that play instruments."
"Yes - a Musician." Okay ... the alarm does make a sound maybe she thinks I play a tune on it every morning. But I don't feel like a Musician.
"No, I don't. What would playing an instrument have to do with my not clocking in?"
"No, the alarm."
"What does it have to do with playing an instrument?"
"Like the guys with the instruments that have to play with the little red and blue wires to turn off alarms." My mind is racing with the apparent non-sequiturs. 'Red and Blue wires'? It occurs to me that she means Bomb technicians that disable explosives or ... I smile,
"You mean a Munitions expert?"
"Yeah, a Munition. That's what I meant!" I couldn't control my laughter. Now it made total sense what she was trying to say. That I felt like a Munitions expert that has to dash across the store and disable an alarm before a bomb goes off - Not that I had the desire to play the clarinet as I quickly marched into the store. I swear, she must stay up at night thinking these things up.
DYE and I played cards all day yesterday. I narrowly won. Brought back a lot of
memories. Playing cards with Shawn at his old night job. Playing cards at Alternate
Realities. I miss playing cards with someone other then the computer.
Brian wasn't working again so we actually had five of us for Sunday Dinner. It was a nice
night.
I screwed up setting the VCR so I didn't record 'X-Files' (good thing we all watched it)
or 'SG-1' - I have two and half hours of the Pre-vue channel. Fortunately, 'SG-1' comes on
again later, so I reset the VCR and went to bed - leaving DYE to his chat rooms.
Have to start getting ready for work earlier now so I can take Mom to work also. Still
sharing her car. Got to get mine fixed. After work, I drove DYE downtown so he could look
for work at a couple of places. I'm now getting ready for bed. DYE says he's cooking
dinner tonight - he has some creative idea on how to polish off a few odds and ends in the
kitchen (it actually sounds good though). Set the VCR for 'Alley McBeal' and eat in front
of the TV.
Went in to get my Paper work for the blood labs today after I dropped DYE off. I figured I
would have to take it to the lab and arrange to come back tomorrow - like usual. I got the
paper work and find out the Dr. is going to the lab in the basement of his building again.
Hurray! The people I like again. I went down there and they still remembered me by name. I
love these guys! Not only that, they have changed the lab rotation and the type of test -
so they were able to draw the blood right then! No more going back. Should be done by the
time I go in for my Dr. appointment on the 11th.
Still cold but the snow is melting. I'm liking this year so far.
I'm about to become irrational.
Got to go to work - with a lot to think about.
Now I'm totally insane and very tired. - drained of blood even -
Where to begin - The last two days have been a bit odd.
How about becoming totally irrational.
I have inherited the worst of my Mother. I took DYE to met an IRC friend of his for
coffee. He said he would be back in a few hours. He was supposed to make me do my
exercises. After I fell asleep, then woke up and got ready for work - I noticed he still
wasn't back. I began to worry. 5 hours of coffee is a bit much to expect. No phone call or
nothing. I wrote the entry, took Mother to work (I didn't say anything to her) and watched
the streets for him on my way to work. I was walking a very fine line between legitimate
concern - irrational fear - respect of his privacy and right to do what he pleases
("He's a big boy and can take care of himself.") - and a kind of irrational ...
jealousy.
Hate to admit that last one but the fact of the matter is - I was and it took this to show
me that.
Work was not much help in trying to calm me down. It was bad enough that I could see DYE
frozen and dying in a ditch (killed by some web loony he had never even met) and not even
know what kind of immediate family to try and contact - I had people coming up with even
worse ideas. The most dismissable - but still plausible - was that he had gone to met his
accomplice and was just waiting for me to leave, then was going to come back and take
everything I had. I know DYE well enough to know that wasn't the case - beside the fact
that is a very elaborate scheme.
"Best case scenario - he got lucky!" The girl I share the office with then asked
me how I would feel about that.
"I'm jealous." I said. She smiled and said I would get mine someday - I don't
think she realized I meant jealous that he would be sleeping with someone else.
COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL!!! We have no commitment of any kind, he sleeps in the spare room,
I'm not even sure how I really feel about him .... again, I'm going off the deep end.
He called me at work about 11am. He was relaying a message from the labs - they botched my
blood work and I had to go in again. I had to hold my tongue - not about the blood lab,
but to go off about where the hell he had been. Honestly - it wasn't any of my business. I
did ask though. He said he had fallen asleep. I told him I would be late getting home
because I would be at the lab.
I was relieved to know he was home and okay. I came to terms with the fact that he and I
would have to talk about this.
After surprising the lab folks (they had no idea the lab had called or that they had to
draw the blood again. She was pissed since she made a special effort to take my blood up
there and tell them what had to be done so I wouldn't have to come back that day ,but they
botched it any way.) I came home and told him that I had been worried sick about where he
had been. He apologized - then I helped him finish cleaning the apartment.
Okay, now lets go insane. Completely unrelated - mostly.
Wednesday is a bizarre day at work anyway. Between tags and getting sale items ready and
watching the back and checking people in I'm fairly busy. It didn't help that I had a ton
of tags that day. I saw that and knew I would be there late - but I only figured about an
hour. I would have been right - but that wasn't all that happened.
Every time I got ready to leave - a memo got sent down from the office with price changes
(in my departments) that had to be 'today!'. Since these changes where 'spur of the
moment' that means I would have to change each by hand and make the tags for them (this is
a long process - especially since you have to consider that you have to determine if a
price is changing up or down - if its up then you have to make the tags and hang them
first then change the price, exactly the opposite if down). This happened twice! Since
each time they only expected me to 'be there a few more minutes' I didn't get a lunch or a
break.
It was my turn to cook dinner at home. I knew I was going to be late. I tried many times
to call DYE to let him know and see if there was anything else we might need and see if he
wanted to go with me to pick out movies or if he just trusted my taste. I didn't get
through to him until about the time I got ready to leave - four hours later. Yes, I had a
ten hour day at work.
DYE keeps saying he wants a job so he can have a life - I tell him if he gets a job it
will steal his life like mine did.
I did the shopping. I came home tired and starving, and made dinner. I made a 'stir fry'
mush. Seasoned beef, orange rice, beef rice and seasoned scrambled eggs. It was really
good. Thought I made to much, but we finished it off with no problem. Then I went to bed
about the time I would normally be getting up.
Today! (I'm almost caught up)
Woke up and checked e-mail. Tons of it. I haven't been able to check it the last few days.
DYE has been using the computer to look for work as well as make business proposals for a
bar he wants to open. These are all money making things for him so I'm trying to make sure
he can get it for the time he needs. Knowing this however, I also told him that tonight I
would need the computer all night to catch up on all the things I have to do. I'm here -
he's sick. Wait, back on track - in the e-mail, I actually got replies to a net personal I
thought I had gotten rid of about six months ago. Two different ads actually. One server
wrote me to say that I had two replies unread since 9/28/98 (shows how long it's been
since I even thought about those adds). The other one was forward to me - That one
actually looks promising. I can't wait to reply to it.
Took Mom to work. Realized I had forgotten my keys. Came back home. Got to work late. I
figure I gave them ten hours yesterday - they can give me ten minutes today.
Home. Find DYE in the arms of another man! (melodramatic music please!) The guy he had
coffee with is helping him with the bar idea. He was a really nice guy. I liked him a lot
for the brief time I got to see him. I wasn't jealous. I guess I found the right side of
the line to walk on.
I then went to bed! SNOOZE! Felt good.
Woke up to a phone call from Zam. Talked to him for about an hour. Think I'm going over
there tomorrow to watch movies. I'm supposed to call him when I wake up. I then got up and
found DYE sick on the couch. I made him some soup and now I'm here.
Whew! caught up.
Going to watch the other movie I rent yesterday. Then I'll answer e-mail and get that
web-ring link to Decent Choices working. If I have time I'll proof-read and hard copy R24.
I guess it has been that long.
Ewh! That is gross.
Okay, Went to Zam's and watched movies. Depressed myself a bit just before going - kept
wondering if maybe more would happen then just watch movies. It didn't, but I was
wondering. Wondering if I really wanted it to or not - if I could stop myself if he made
the advances. He didn't. I think I would have. Depressed myself by trying to be prepared
though. Took condoms along just incase. Do you know how long its been? My whole drawer of
condoms expires just before Valentines day.
Ewhgh! Nasty.
After the movie we talked for a while but I began to realize... DYE had given me his cold.
I was starting to feel the ickiness. I went to the store and picked up more OJ (DYE had
gone through a whole gallon in the last day or so). Decided that since I should be
drinking it also, I got two gallons. Got some more rubbing alcohol so I could disinfect
the thermometer between uses.
Ugh! ... well, it's getting better.
Decided to pick up a store brand liquid cold and flu remedy. DYE had asked for one before,
but since he doesn't have a job, thus no money to by it - I didn't the first time I went
out. Now, I realized I may soon need it myself. Realized I would have to get him well if I
intended to get well. Came home and found him up bundled in the electric blanket watching
TV. He told me we where out of OJ, I told him he was wrong - I just gotten some. Then I
offered to make him the cold and flu remedy.
Hmmm, getting used to it now.
I went to bed. When I came home he was up and around felling better. Actually I was too. I
figured DYE for a whimp. One of those sick little babies. I was glad to see he was better.
He talked me into taking him to a lunch meeting. I called Mom and told her I was running
behind, dropped off DYE then went to Mom's. Had a great lunch - then started to feel a bit
sick again.
Still tastes bad - just not that bad. A little tart.
Was getting ready for bed (meaning I was answering e-mail) when Mom knocked at the door.
My car was done. Here's the best part - it wasn't the transmission (which would have been
around 4 to 600 dollars) it was something about a fluid pan and something that needed to
be welded - only cost 'us' $103 and change. I can actually pay for that - but Mom wouldn't
let me. I could have written the check - I could have cashed a check like she did. I
offered to write the check to her so she could deposit it the same time she cashed hers. I
was stopped at every turn and it started to piss me off, but I was to sick to fight back
just then.
Ewh! sip it! sip.
Came home, finished e-mail. Sent a friend of DYE's out after him. Went to bed.
Set the alarm for 11ish so I could get up and watch my Saturday night TV or decide to go
out. Felt fine but decided to stay in. Then I couldn't get warm until I took Doctor out of
the our electric blanket and wrapped up on the couch. Got warm but not better.
Now I'm drinking the cold and flu remedy and getting ready to go back to bed. DYE did
nothing but complain about it, it starts out bad, but gets better. I have to admit, I'm
miserable - but I still think DYE complains a bit to much. His door is closed, so I think
he's home asleep - probably feeling bad after going out when he should have stayed home.
Can't say I would have been much better about staying home. Hope I'm feeling better after
another nap.
Talked to Shawn today. I hope to go and help him paint another room of his house on the 23rd
and 24th. I've already had to explain that I'm not worried about getting
sick. It's just the flu. Since I didn't have it when I got the blood tests, it isn't going
to effect their results. If I'm still sick on Monday ... I'll be seeing a Doctor anyway.
Wow, this stuff has really made my throat feel better - cough is even gone.
X-Files and dinner tonight. Don't know what DYE is going to do about that. I have been
paying for his dinner - I just can't this time. I have enough for me. I said I would let
him live here - not support him. I have been, I know, but I learned my lesson from Donnie
- not going to let it go on as long this time. I'm also going to hold firm in starting to
pressure him to move by the end of the week (I'm not going to be cold about it - but that
was the agreement). I have a cushion space in which I will be lenient, but the pressure
will increase.
I think I need to warm this stuff up again.
Good night.
Just a quick note. I'm in a fantastic mood. No reason - maybe its just because I can
hear snow melting. I feel much better. DYE wasn't sure - he tried to take my temperature
when I came home singing and dancing around.
Took him to a job interview on my way to the Doctors.
The Doctor didn't have certain numbers for me. He remembered seeing the results come
across his desk (the ones I wanted anyway) but they hadn't yet been filed where they could
find them. The numbers he remembers are ~ T-cells 372, VL >50,000. Our decision - I
still feel fine, the T-cell is steady and the VL jump was expected. He wants me to start
Bactruim (SP?) (a prophylactic drug to prevent the most common strains of opportunistic
pneumonia) and see me again in two months. The test they botched the first time (and the
one he is still waiting for) is the genotype. This test will tell what the virus may have
adapted to drug wise.
They are going to call me with the genotype results as well as the confirmed numbers of my
recent tests. I also have them looking to fill in a few holes on my Chart.
Going to answer some e-mail (the guy that answered my online add - I wrote him back - and
he wrote me back ~ lets see how far this goes) then go to bed. Still fighting the edges of
the cold - want it dead :)
Still no word back from the Doctor - they are slow on the return calls.
It was Payday. I ate at Long John Silvers. I thought DYE would still be at work, so I
didn't come home for him first. I picked up my ... Sulfamethoxazole and Trimethoprim
(SMZ/TMP DS 800MB/160MG) or - Bactrim. Only $8 and some change. One tablet (with plenty of
water) every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Returned and found DYE at home working on the
computer. We watched one of the movies I had here accumulating late charges.
'BASEkeball' was really very funny. I was impressed. Went to bed.
Woke up and scared the shit out of DYE who was plugged into the computer's CD ROM
listening to music (pretending to drum) when I poked him in the ribs and yelled BOO! Fed
Doctor, and made pizza's for us. Then we started to watch 'In God's Hands'. DYE didn't get
it, and went to bed. I loved the movie. I don't think he understands that any good surfing
movie is mostly a philosophy film. It's about a love of the sport, the patterns of the
water, the patterns in life, the challenges to your physical self as well as the spiritual
self. I felt my closeness to the water in this film. I understood the characters. I think
DYE just lacks the attention span and the wisdom to follow it. To worried about his past
catching up to him, trying to run to a new one, and trading pics on the web. So caught in
the present, blinded by the past and fumbling into the future.
Not that I'm much better. Bound by my past, living in the present and dreaming of the
future.
Spent the first part of the night writing bills. I still have money left over - actually
I'm caught up. The money I have left is actually money Mother gave me for my Christmas
present that I had all ready spent. Now I have it back. I may go and get it.
Still have to try and save $300.00 to start a savings account. Still have $220.00 to go on
the bankruptcy bill. I'm almost there. I can get this done. Will have to push that
vacation back a bit more but I can have this done.
Alarm went off. Time for me to wake up and go to work. Mail my bills. Work diligently.
Sleep religiously. Begin a new day.
"Get away from the screen. You have to try and find a life other than the one in front of that flickering screen. Especially since that one is mine." DYE laughed, but the computer locked up on him and he had to turn it off. I told him not to turn it back on - I needed to use it anyway and he had been on it all day (literally - He was on it when I came home from lunch about 1:30pm and he was still on it when I couldn't sleep at 4ish and still on it when I woke up (late) at 11:30. I think it locked up on him as I was watching TV around 2am.) He fell asleep on the couch trying to watch the tape of 'Poltergeist - the Legacy' and I sent him to bed. I then watched a bit more TV and then came over to start my work on the computer. I had to start it up in safe mode. I think all the crap and cookies he keeps downloading in here is effecting it - that and using it for 13 some hours straight. It is getting to the point I have to kick him of the computer when I have to use it. I used to be content to let him finish and just use it when he wasn't. I do have other things to do, but it's starting to effect my responsibilities - like the web work and e-mail (not wholly a responsibility - but I have some friends that I think deserve prompt replies and I feel bad when I can't). In addition to DYE's IRC habit, he is now trying to make a Geocities WebPage. He wants my help. My biggest problem with it currently is that he has no purpose for it other then to have a web page. He's using a program I don't use (or like now that I've seen it) and doesn't seem to understand that I can't help him understand it.
Enough about him - this is after all mearly a minor annoyance. Now that he has a job, maybe I'll find more time for my computer.
Someone wrote and asked me how Doctor was. I forgot to mention that since we changed
his food he had been doing fine (no more wetting the bed) and is returning to his normal
cranky self. In fact, yesterday DYE listened to me wake up as Doctor decided it was time
for me to be awake. I got to bed very late. I had no plans though - I had every right to
sleep in. But no, Doctor has to walk around me on the bed. Walk over my face (literally -
there where times I had to grab his foot so he wouldn't slide off my face and scratch me).
He would poke around the covers every now and again, sometimes he would get under them,
and walk around. He might sit for a moment, but then just get up and walk around more.
Finally I threw the covers off and jumped out of bed yelling,
"WHAT!!"
I was now fully awake. I fed him and changed the water. He had two bites and then went
back to bed.
I got even though. Getting ready for work, I noticed Doctor still sound asleep under the
covers. So, I pulled them back - waking him up - pet him and then told him to go back to
sleep returning the covers. I watched him get comfortable again. Now fully dressed, I
pulled the covers back again and did the same thing. This time he crawled out from under
them with this bewildered look on his face. He sat in the middle of the bed and watched
me. I turned to leave the room and he meowed. I looked back and he had this look of
'What?!' on his face. I just grin and said,
"Not so funny when it happens to you now is it?" turned off the light and went
to work.
I think I was late getting to bed because that was when I went and got my hairs cut,
and bought the computer chair Mom gave me the Christmas money for. Something I was going
to put together this morning, but DYE couldn't wait to sit on something other then my old
computer chair. Frankly I liked the old chair - it made sure I would get up every now and
again.
Felt really mischievous at work today. I even hid the chip man's truck from him :)
Oh yeah, listened to DYE dole out a bunch of left handed compliments about me to someone
else on the phone. He seems to think I have a smart mouth (which he seems to like) but
also feels that he has to 'defend' himself around me. The actual 'compliment' was that
having a razor sharp wit was essential to living here if you want to survive. Ask any of
my friends - I have been - 98% of what I say are puns and just general humor. I'm not out
to hurt or put anyone down. I started to listen to what I was saying around DYE more -
it's the same. I don't see that I'm picking on him - but I do see that he feels the need
to try and counter and/or match any kind of wit. I told him this wasn't a competition - I
think he just saw that as me conceding a loss. I can live with that - but is seems to
remind me of the kind of talk that escalate into me and David Stanley having that
'argument' before. I'm just starting to notice patterns like this in his behavior. I had a
similar talk with him once when he was 'bigot bashing' on IRC. Some poor kid comes on line
and says 'faggot' and he has to jump all over them. What does this accomplish? It makes
the kid hate fags more.
"Yeah, but it's fun."
"It's counter productive!"
"So ..."
Well, he stumped me on that one. Can't show a picture to a blind man.
There I go talking about him again. Don't want to. Shouldn't. Not right to 'talk' about him behind his back. I know he knows about this page. I don't know if he reads it. I hope I'm not offending him. I should really talk to him first about these things that kind of bother me.
Woke up to late to go out. Couldn't sleep earlier. Came back out here and proof-read
the edited version of my novel. Then finally fell asleep. Reset the alarm when it went
off, and forgot to turn it on. By the time I was up and ready to go it was 12:30. By the
time I would have been at the bars everyone would be getting ready to go home. Besides I
knew I would have been looking for only one thing - I might have followed through with it
also. I knew it wasn't what I wanted. I would have felt bad if I had done it. So, I didn't
go. Instead I made dinner.
Got some other work to do. E-mail to answer. Nap to take before X-Files and Sunday diner.
This day is nearly done. Just got back from seeing 'Virus'. Good film. More fun to be
out with Brian and Jen. Don't know what I really sat down to write about. I think part of
it is what was said to me before the movie.
Before I start - DYE has a WebPage. It's different then what he started it as - I think
it's better then how it started. Here it is - Now you know
who is staying with me.
"You and Devin flirt shamelessly."
I wasn't aware of it. But I don't mind it. I mentioned this to Devin - he wasn't aware of
it either, but also doesn't mind. I did mention that it is getting worse. Devin is quite
free with hugs and pecks on the cheek. I like the contact.
"I don't care how long it's been, Bret - please don't."
I don't think there is a danger of that. We are good friends - I've drawn the lines, I
won't cross them. But it started me thinking - what if I again met someone that my friends
don't like. When Shawn and I dated, very few of my friends liked him. Everyone wanted me
to break up with him. I knew I loved him - I stayed until I felt I couldn't any more. For
my own reasons, not anyone else's. But I used to wonder, if my friends had liked him -
maybe we would have more support and I could have made it through my rough spot. Instead I
was encouraged to drift away. What if the people I'm most attracted to as friends, can't
stand the people I'm most attracted to as lovers. I've always wanted a lover that could
get along with my friends. Shouldn't it work out that way? Why should there be a gap
between them? Why can't my friends just support my choices?
Why does it bother me that I had a friend say, "I don't care how long its been -
don't." Especially when we both know they have never gone this long without
a sexual relationship. I think they would have told me to jump off a high place if the
positions had been reversed. Of course if the positions had been reversed - I would have
been supportive of the decisions they made. It is, after all, their life.
Going to finish watching 'Altered States' with Devin (he's never seen it). Then go to bed
for the rest of my sleep. I still have to gear up for Inventory (did I mention we have
that - again!).
I knew it might happen eventually - I was just hoping it wouldn't.
You've heard about my water ritual often enough. I have several that you may not know
about. Mostly because nothing ever happens during them to relate.
The mason worked hard to cut the unique stones from the landscape.
He used them to build his home, his castle, the paths to his home. Now he was working on
the wall. Carefully cutting the stone with his hands, to shapes he wanted (and everyone
would recognize) he laid one on top of the other - building a wall.
I pick up the cologne. I look into the mirror. I exhale, then spray once on my
right wrist. My left wrist then comes over and spreads the oil between them.
"Give me the strength to do the things that must be done."
Soon a child came running about the gate. The Mason smiled as he
worked and watched the child play. Soon the child came over and asked the mason to play.
"I can't play now." the Mason said. "I have work to do."
"Working with the rocks." the child said. The mason nod with a smile. "Can
I use the rocks?" the child asked. The mason found no reason not to share. He had
plenty of stone, and knowing the child to be of good nature, saw no harm in consenting.
Then I raise the bottle to my neck and spray the spot my neck meets my sternum. My
right hand then touches the spot. It then spreads the oil up the neck, then down the
chest. Then it runs from right to left and back again spreading what ever is left along
the collar bones as I say,
"Grant me the courage to say the things that must be said."
I worked hard all day to come up with the proper allegory. You give a kid a crayon and he
marks over priceless works of art. He knows how to work a crayon, just not where he
should. You didn't think a crayon would cause harm, but you are responsible - after all
you gave him the crayon. Not really what I'm aiming for. You give a kid a knife, when he
cuts himself you can't be mad at him - it was an accident, and you gave him the knife.
Still not quite right. Child takes the Kings sword and starts a war ... way over the
top....
Then I rise the bottle to my forehead and spray between my eyes. My finger takes the
liquid and moves it up my forehead, then down to the bridge of the nose. Then from the
right to the left and back again. Then the tips of all my fingers spread the oil in a
circle (clock-wise) as I say,
"Give me the wisdom to know when to do each."
Only today, the bottle hissed on my wrist,
"Give me the strength to do the things that must be done."
Spit on my neck,
"Give me the courage to say the things that must be said."
and had nothing left for my forehead.
"Hmmm, I hope the wisdom will still follow." I made the motions anyway.
The mason looked up to see a neighbor approaching. With some
concern the mason put down his tools, and went to greet his neighbor - that was carrying
one of his stones.
"Good day." the neighbor said, holding out the stone. "I have come to
return your stone. I thank you for its presence, but feel it would be better used
here."
The mason nod and took back the stone crafted by his hand. The neighbor left, and the
Mason inspect the stone. It had the markings of a child on it. He began to look around. He
found the child around the corner. To the masons horror, he found the child hurling the
stones from the top of the hill side.
"Stop!" the mason yelled, startling the child. "What are you doing?!?"
"Playing." the child replied. "Look, I threw one far enough for my friend
to catch."
I just kept trying to remember, he didn't do it on purpose. He doesn't understand.
He doesn't even know what he did was wrong. I gave him the tools - I should have
remembered there is more then one use for them.
"I do not throw stones. I use them to build things."
"This is more fun" the child replied.
"Maybe, but you can hurt someone. And these stones have my name on them."
"No words on these. I even made them."
"But they came from my quarry. People will recognize them as mine. Those that know me
will wonder why I am throwing them. Your friends will expect them. But others will not
ask, they will say I threw stones." Scanning the horizon, the mason noticed he faced
north into the cold wind. As the truth became clear, he shudder. "You threw them
there didn't you?"
"Yes. Mean old man."
"Put down the stones." I said in measured tones. I can't be mad - it isn't his
fault. "Do you realize you may have started a war - with my stones?"
"Are you afraid?"
"No. I thought this might happen someday. Why do you think I was building a
wall?"
Honestly I could be reading more into it then I need to, but it still pissed me
off. I just sat here at my computer piecing it together in amazement.
Dear Brett,
We are in receipt of your email of 1-20-99. We thank you for your concern. I assume you got our address from Hate Watch. The address you need is info@glaad.org. We are a New England based, legal advocacy organization. Thanks again for concern.
I didn't write to these people. There is only one other person with access to my
computer. It must be his - why is it coming through to my address? Why do they think I
wrote it? ... Unless -
I then decide to check the messages sent folder. I clean it out every time I'm done (why
should I keep the folder full of things I said? If it's important I'll print it out or
move it else where.) Three messages - None that I wrote - all originating from my e-mail
program. Headed by my e-mail address, my name, with my 'signature' attached (with my
WebPage address) - and a very non-descript "please reply to -". Well, most
usually only hit 'reply' on e-mail and let the computer set it up (I'm also very guilty),
so of course it came back to me - not the alternative, unsigned e-mail address in the body
of the letter. One to these people, one to a friend of his, one to ... oh, dear.
dear sir,
my question to you is do you believe that god is a god of love? another question is what is your stance on the gothic scene and people who do not believe in god? alot of my asking is strictly out of my own curiosity, the rest is because i just want to know.........
thank you, *DYE*
Addressed to Webmaster@godhatesfags.com - Yep, he decided to write Fred Phelps. Now, I want you all to understand I don't think this letter is in anyway antagonistic - but I'll bet money Fred will view it that way. And I will get the reply. By the way, if DYE had done his homework, he knows the answers to these questions (No. The what scene? (maybe - they are sick people needing help), They will go to hell.). I was only annoyed at the transgression into my electronic 'name' until this. We will now have a long talk about both - the way e-mail works and why he has this desire to pick fights in order to defend his position (remember the conversation I mentioned about his 'bigot bashing'?). Okay, no more until we have talked. I've calmed myself down. I honestly could care less what he does on his own time with his own e-mail address, but he unknowingly dragged me into it. He hasn't placed me in the way of anything I haven't considered happening before (from the very conception of this page) but I have avoided it this long because I refused to provoke anything. I have no problem sleeping with snakes - I do have a problem if someone else throws a rock at the ones I'm sleeping with. Nothing may come of this. No harm done. But the child still must learn not to do it again. Next time he may not be so lucky. (By the way - this isn't the first time this mistake has come to haunt him).
Devin and I talked. He's sorry and didn't realize what he had done.
I woke up and answered e-mail (I had quite the back log). After which, a pun occurred to
me and I had to write a short story. It's a bit of a joke. I think you will be able to see
the influences that probably brought it about. Hope you like it.
The Horror of this small town was only just being realized. I thought being stranded out in the middle of the country was bad enough (Damn car problems), but now that I had met up with the locals I wasn’t sure.
The town, I had to walk into, I spotted because of the church steeple. It’s silhouette stuck out against the moonlight sky. As I approached the town I began to realize the church was run down and abandon (broken windows and open doors banging in the wind). However down the road I could see several buildings, one with the light on. All I was hoping for was a phone.
I approached the building with the light that streamed out into the deserted dirt road. I heard the sound of a saw, and thought twice as I read the sign,
"Red’s Butcher Shop"
All I want is a phone, I thought.
I entered the building - the door was wide open. The light was actually bright after being in the dark so long, but there was no one in sight.
"Hello?" I called out hoping for a response. I heard nothing but the sound of the saw again. I ventured forward into the shop, an leaned against the counter to peer into an open door leading into the back. It was dimly light, but I could still see bloody slabs of meat laying on a counter.
"hello?" I meekly utter now, almost hoping no one would respond. We’ve all heard the tales of small towns and stories like ‘Deliverance’. I didn’t want to end up on a milk carton.
The counter next to my arm suddenly had a large sliver clever slammed down into it from behind me. I screamed as I turned around to face the man that had spared my life - for the moment.
"Kin I hep, ya’?" he uttered through an evil grin. He must have stood about 6 foot and a few inches tall. Pale skin, only made worse by the fact that he was dressed in all black. He had on a wide brimmed cowboy hat with a silver concho hat band. His black western shirt had silver snaps and a red trim in the seam. His black leather belt had the typical ‘satellite dish’ for a belt buckle. Made of silver, I still couldn’t help but notice it had etched into it the scene of a bull ‘hog tied’ and a cowboy standing over it with his fist raised in the air. There was a black leather knife case on the belt, near the silver chain that when to his back pocket. His black denim pants stretched tight over his legs and wrinkled at the bottom as they crest over the top of gray snake-skin cowboy boots (with silver caps over the pointed toe).
Suddenly I heard another voice from outside saying something about "found on the road dead." and began to panic as the second black cowboy hat entered the shop from the open door. He wore a large black oil skin duster that billowed like a vampires cape in the breeze. He wore a white shirt with large black stripes over the front pockets and down the seam of buttons. He had a belt of silver concho’s around the waist of his black denim jeans which where tucked neatly into tall black leather riding boots with silver spurs. He pause in the doorway (reminiscent of some old spaghetti western saloon scene) as he saw me shaking at the counter near the clever sticking out of the counter.
"Caleb," he said calmly. "Who’s this?" As he spoke I noticed the silver ear ring dangling from his left ear. It was a knife with a snake wrapped around it.
"Dunno." The first man said. "Reckon he might be the owner of that Ford."
"Well then," the second man said with a broad smile, "Ain’t you lucky we found you?"
"Am I?" I said in quite whisper. Caleb chuckled as the second man walked closer.
"You sure are." He stepped between me and Caleb and put his hand down on the counter. He then noticed the cleaver and paused.
"Caleb?" he said lifting the counter top passage, which raised the cleaver once again into the air, passing right before my face. "Have you been playing with our guest?" Caleb again chuckled and let out a ‘Yup.’ As the second man passed the counter he then let the top slam back down into place. I jumped a foot in the air and tried not to scream, but I still let out a high pitched whimper.
"Shame on you." the second man said as he put both hands on the door way and then yelled,
"RED! We have company!"
Now I knew I was outnumbered at least three to one.
"All -" I choked as I thought I felt my lunch in my throat, and began again. "All I want is a phone." I paused as I tried to find Caleb’s eyes in the shadow cast from his hat. "Please." I add.
Caleb grin real big, showing the cut tobacco stuck in his teeth.
"You’re gonna get more then a phone call." Caleb said with that same low chuckling sound that was really beginning to unnerve me. He suddenly received a slap on the shoulder.
"Caleb! Stop spookin’ our guest before he makes a mess on the floor."
The second man then swoop under the counter and seemed to rise up in front of me like a shadow. He then stuck out his hand,
"Howdy! My name is Malachi." Cautiously I took his hand, and his cold fingers gripped my shaking hand and shook it vigorously.
"What do you mean company?" a voice behind me said. I turned to see a man that seemed to stand about 7 feet tall. He wore a white apron (no shirt) and was covered in blood. He had bright red hair, but the flecks of blood hid any freckles he may have had.
"Who are you?" he said leering down at me as I prayed not to wet my pants.
"Car trouble." Malachi said.
"Humph!" Red said, "You sure picked a good night for it."
"Could I please use a phone?" I plead.
"Not yet." Red replied.
"When the others gettin’ here?" Caleb asked.
"Any minute now." Red responded.
"Do you think we have enough for him?" Malachi said with a grin.
"Yeah, but we might need some more Beer." Red, then reached over and hit the cash register and the loud ring and clang made me jump again. He hand Malachi a 20 dollar bill and then noticed the cleaver in the counter. "Caleb! You are going to end up buying me a new cleaver and a counter if you keep this up." He said taking the cleaver out of the counter top.
"Fire’s goin’" a new voice said. A young woman with soot on her face came around the corner. She was also dressed in all black with a red bandana around her neck. As she came through the door and spot me she let out a squeal,
"Oh, fresh meat." She said with a smile. "Who’s our new friend?"
"Lilith, behave." Malichi said then held out his hand, "Lilith this is …. Hey, Car trouble - what’s your name?"
I hesitate to give my name, but the pale skinned beauty’s smile seemed to put me somewhat at ease. "Darren." I stammered.
"Well, Darren. Caleb and I will now leave you in the capable hands of Red and his lovely daughter Lilith." Daughter? I thought. How old is Red? How young is Lilith? "I will call a tow truck for you from the liquor store. You can spend the night here and ride back into town with the wrecker in the morning." Malichi turn quickly and head to the door. Caleb turned to follow and utter,
"See ya’ soon."
"Wait…" I said meekly. "Can’t I just …"
"No." Lilith said cutting off my stammering. "Everyone will be here soon. Nothing can be done until morning. You may as well stay here and enjoy the barbecue."
"Barbecue?" I repeat in wonder.
"Yeah. What did you think was going on?"
"Caleb was spooking him." Red interject as he raised the counter top. Lilith giggle with understanding and then motioned me to follow.
About ten others, all eerie in appearance, soon showed up. The food was rare and spicy. I never could let go of my fear in this odd surrounding. I kept waiting for them to cut me up into small pieces and throw me into the fire or grow fangs. I got to know these people, friendly, but just to unnerving for me. I never go near that old road. I still have nightmares about the barbecue of the Goth-Hick’s.
Felling a bit blah, so I'm going back to bed now. If I can just make it through to Inventory - then I can rest a bit.
Today is inventory ... and I'm not there.
I really have no right to be sitting here either, but I want to try and eat and give the
bed some time to dry.
Lots of things I want to talk about though. Patterns that I've noticed. Things I've done.
Stuff.
Lets start with FreeCell game number 5179. - Give me a minute to make some food.
... Well, this will have to stop - Devin and I will have to talk again - add it to the
list. I thought everyone knew you don't smoke near a computer - it's bad for the computer.
I notice patterns - I always have. That's why, I think, I write allegories so well. It's
another reason I like rituals - when something goes wrong you can expect difficulties.
Thus, the ritual prepares you for them. Thus, run out of cologne during wisdom - have
problems with Devin e-mailing 'Godhatesfags'.
Another little ritual of mine - I like to play FreeCell before work. At least one game. If
I win it easily then the day will go smoothly. If it's hard but I still win, the day will
have problems but still be alright. If I lose and have to start it again - rough day, how
rough depends on how many times I have to restart the game before winning. - How did I
come to this conclusion? I noticed it was a pattern. Cards have been fortune telling
devices since the beginning of time. I have placed within the game certain things that I
think mimic my life. I don't play the games randomly, I have an order - and a goal in
mind. I'm not playing for answers, I am playing for fun, but I notice answers when they
are there. -
Devin kind of makes fun of my FreeCell addiction - my life addiction. I don't really care.
Many others do the same thing. It's my life, I'll play it the way I want. I come home from
work - Started to play a few games to relax. I was at 5175 and I was going to quit - when
Devin 'dared' me to win five more.
"Come on, You have ten more minutes until 2 O'clock. It should be easy for you."
I love a challenge. 5176 - 5177 - 5178 only 1:54 I'm still going to bed early. 5179 - 5179
- 5179 - 5179 - 5179 - 'You lose. Do you want to play the same game?', 'Yes'. I kept
playing. I kept restarting it. I have not found a game since 2700 that I haven't won (I
still have 10 before that I'm still working on). The page I'm using to mark off the games
I've won goes from 2700 to 5750 - no lost games yet. Kind of been challenged here, by
someone else. 2:30 I gave up and went to bed. Devin was amazed that I was losing one.
Saturday night. I wake up. I get dressed. I sat down and realized that I only have $6
dollars in my wallet and -220.00 in my bank account (before
you all gasp and curse - I have a $500 credit line with the account so things don't
bounce(and I record that as a negative number) and I account in my favor writing down less
then I actually deposit and more then I actually write a check for (rounding up to the
nearest $5 for checks and ATM and down to the nearest $10 for deposits). This helps me
stay more honest and tight and to account for fees and charges I might not know about or
remember to write down.). So, I looked up to a dressed Devin and said,
"I'm not going out tonight." and explained why. I didn't say I knew I'd be
paying for everyything Devin wanted also and I wasn't going to take another $20 out for
that. I still had to be at work the next day to help count tops for inventory. It just
wasn't wise. (btw' I found another bottle of cologne in my cabinet to use, so the
blessings continue - it just happens to be a smell I'll have to get used to.)
Turned on the TV, found out a show Devin wanted to watch "Highlander - the
Raven" wasn't on (like the web site said) but the show that was on "7 Days"
was good, which was a hell of a lot better then "Love Boat the next wave" that
the Prevue channel said it was going to be. Then there was a knock at the door. Devin's
old roomie from Manhattan (The first guy to use my spare guest room, at Devin's request -
I'm noticing more patterns here) was here ... again. (Long story short - if I'm able. He
is about to be Devin's new room mate. They have been looking for apartments together. Me,
overjoyed. First night, stayed to late - slept on couch. Second night, had job interview
in morning - slept on couch. Third night, little to drunk to drive, wanted to look for
apartments in morning - slept on couch. I was never asked.) They then chat for a total of
40 seconds (to each other), Devin put on his coat and they went out.
It really shouldn't have bothered me - but it really started to burn my cookies. They
didn't even ask if I wanted to go - which I would have - hell, they didn't even talk to me
(well, Devin did say "Goodbye, don't wait up."). In all honesty - with them gone
I could have gone out and been quite happy on my $6 - but I didn't. Instead, I answered
some e-mail. In one I actually said -
"I'm going to go and watch some TV. No money to go out.
Devin found someone else to support him tonight ... that sounded bad didn't it? Just when
I think I'm not bitter something like that sneaks out."
Then I went back to FreeCell 5179 - for about an hour. Just couldn't get past it. Lose,
lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, LOSE, LOSE,
LOSE, LOSE!
Poltergeist was a rerun - so I went to bed. I had a long day of counting tops ahead of me.
I actually got to go in a hour later then normal - but it still came much quicker then I
would have wanted. 6 hours just isn't a lot of sleep. 7am - he's on the couch. I heard
them come in around 4am, they must have gone to KC. 5179 - lose. Go to work. Count, wait,
this whole pallet will go on the shelf. Isn't anyone running this stuff!?! I turn 8
pallets into three and count them. Three hours are gone. At this rate, I won't have
anything of value done. I stop running the stuff. Just count it. Run into quite a few full
pallets (easy to count). Time for lunch and I have one top deck counted.
Mom dropped my clothes off for me at work, so I went home to drop them off. He's awake,
working on the computer. ... those cookies are still burning. I put my laundry in my room
and left. I hadn't intended to stay - I had errands to run - now I definitely wasn't
staying. Satisfied a craving for McDonalds that I have had all week. Dropped by the bank
and used the ATM for a $20 bill (Planning ahead to Sunday dinner). Was going to get gas,
but I stood to long in line at McDonalds (I don't know what happened to fast food - but
not at this store) and ran out of time. Back to work. It just seems that once I give up
caring I move along much faster. Lots of the stuff could have been worked and put on the
shelf. If I had stopped to do it, it never would have gotten done. I just started flying
along. I got further along then the last time I counted. The Assistant actually took a
team of five over to the other side of the store and got most of it counted (I know that
seems arrogant but I'm not kidding. The Assistant, the 3rd man and three part time kids -
Grant that the kids had to check and do anything else the managers needed done, but the
two managers should have been able to work nearly uninterrupted and gotten more done then
they did without the kids). The Assistant seemed pleased that he wouldn't have to come in
and count all night the day before inventory. I actually climbed down from the tops for
some water at one point. Realized how much time had slipped away, so I called home - busy.
They must be on-line ... better not be sending any mail (they didn't, yeah, I checked) so
I called Brian at his store. I figured he was closing since he was there, but I was wrong.
He got off at 6pm. So, I asked him to call me at work and tell me to go home then. Ten
hours is more then enough time to work on my day off. Tried home again. Got the machine.
Told Devin that if he got the message, he should call me at work and tell me to go home at
6. Now I was covered. I went back to work. The only real perk for the day was looking at
all the fine men walking around the store - In back I don't get to see to much of the
'scenery'.
6 O'clock Devin calls me from the mall and tells me to go home. I thank him. He said he
would be home shortly (btw' Devin doesn't have a car. If he was at the mall someone took
him - 'I' means 'we'). I count the last pallet on the isle and go home (Brian's call was
intercepted by the office as I was putting things away to leave. They told him I was on my
way out and then told me he called). I got home, set the VCR, changed clothes. I think the
order they showed up was Brian, Jen and Marshal - all late into 'That 70's Show'. No
Devin.
We went out and had a great time. I came home and watched 'SG1'. He and Devin came home as
I was walking down the hall to go to bed.
"Sorry I didn't come home but I just didn't feel like it."
"It's okay, I don't care. Goodnight." I then went to bed to get one more 6 hour
stint of sleep before work.
Monday - Starts like any other. Nothing extraordinary about it, even with me making
reminder phone calls about inventory and collecting the ones that I could. Until -
10 O'clock. I started to feel really bad. "I will not get sick." I've been
fighting the last vestiges of this Cold Devin gave me when he moved in all month - the
cough wouldn't go away - but now I was feeling bad all over again. I couldn't get warm.
"I will not get sick." I began to shiver. "I will not get sick." I
began to hug the space heater in the office. "I will not get sick." If I left
it, I began to shiver. "I will not get sick." I kept thinking I could make
it until Noon when I'm supposed to leave. It bothered me how quickly this came over me.
The produce manager thought I was going to shake apart at the seems. "I will not get
sick." I told him "I don't have the time. Tomorrow is Inventory, Wednesday is
tag day, Thursday is payday. I supposed I could be sick on Friday - but not now!" he
laughed. I then decided what I really needed to do was move around. Sitting still might be
what was helping it. I quickly finished and counted damaged - checked in a vendor - then
ran shaking back to the heater. That was it. 11 O'clock. I'm not going to make it. I
called the Manager and told him that I was leaving (I didn't ask - I told him it came over
me suddenly, but I couldn't function). I closed down the computer and told him what still
had to be done about inventory stuff. Lets not even talk about trying to drive home while
shaking.
Home. Temperature 102.7º. Crank the electric blanket to high and crawl in. I stop
shivering, I can feel heat, but I'm not hot. My feet still seem ice cold even though if I
feel them they are hot - neuropathy. I felt terrible. I actually was a bit scared. This
hit me in less then an hour and disabled me. This will give you an idea of how bad it was
- I called my Mother and told her machine that I was sick and wanted her to check in on
me. Yes, the one woman that will panic more then anyone, and I called her.
I then thought maybe a shower would make me feel better. The muscle aches where terrible.
I took the shower, and did not feel noticeably different. As I dry off I began to realize
- I said 'no' about a dozen times. I cough and between them I said 'no'. Then I went face
down in the toilet and puked my guts out. There was nothing in my stomach. Just the acid.
It came out so hard it went through my nose. It burned like hell. I just wanted it all to
stop. It wasn't fair. I wanted my Mommy. Every time I realized I had just turned into a
sniveling idiot I tried to pull myself together and just lost it again. Nothing like
laying naked in the bathroom with your head next to a bowl of puke to let you know just
how far you have sunk.
When I was convinced I wasn't going to puke again, I got up and combed my hair while
taking my temperature. 103.1º. Worse not better. Climbed back into bed with a trash can.
Answered phone calls for Devin. I think there is something going on that I don't know
about. I haven't really had the chance to talk to him about it for obvious reasons.
Mother comes crashing into my house. Got me to take Tylenol and drink water. I only raised
my voice once.
"Well, Honey, this was bound to happen sooner or later. You are around sick people
all day and you don't have an immune system."
"YES I DO!"
"Well, not as much of one."
I was to miserable to fight over the this. She asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I
told her only if the fever hadn't gone below a 100 by tonight.
"Why are we waiting?" she pleaded with me. Two reasons - which she never heard
because I just lay there and hand her the empty glass of water. One, I'm not going to be
an alarmist and run to a hospital every time I run a fever. It had been less then Six
hours since I got sick - another four will not kill me. Two, I'm too miserable to move
right now.
She came back with some juice and some Sprite. Said she would call me at 8 to take more
Tylenol and see if I wanted to go to the hospital.
When she did call, I was sweating like a pig. I told her I thought the fever had broken. I
was going to get up and take my medicine and call work to tell them I wouldn't be there
and take my temperature. I would call if I needed anything else.
Temp was 97.9 - I'm in cool down mode. Called work and told them to make sure they called
my boss to let him know I wasn't coming in (someone has to open the store!). Then I sat up
and watched 'Earth Final Conflict' as I ate some chicken soup. Went back to bed. Waiting
for mom to call me for meds at midnight. Devin must have been on-line she couldn't get
through. She called at 5am and I thought it was midnight.
I did talk to Devin briefly. I told him he had messages. I asked about what had gone wrong
at work, he said he had a bad day. Then he asked if I was okay. No. Then he got me a glass
of Sprite (the only yes in a battery of questions of what do I want) then left me to
sleep.
Doctor never left my side. He's great that way when I'm sick. I reach over to pet him once
and found him soaked in my sweat. I rolled over and he licked my back. When I get up, he
watches me from the edge of the bed like he's guarding it for me while he watches over me.
Temperature was normal this morning. I feel bad that I'm not there for inventory. I hope I can be well enough to go back tomorrow - big tag day. Thursday is payday. Whether he knows it or not, Devin is moving this weekend. I ate a sandwich and some peas. Bed should be dry, I'm going back.
Love him - respect him - But he's wrong. My defiant nature is going to come out.
Okay. Fever broke - went to work to hang the tags. You would not believe the mess they
left for me from yesterday. I was frightened enough when I called to tell them I would be
back and I kept hearing,
"We tried to do this, I think he did that, Really we did just fine
with out you."
I had invoices from two days - Monday after I left and Tuesday - some run twice,
differently, and only vaguely marked before or after inventory. Not to mention that
inventory invoices are to be sent in the day of inventory and they where all still siting
on my desk.
Okay, enough. I had a lot of work to do. I decided first thing off that I could only
tackle one day at a time. So, I just ignored yesterday and focused on Wednesday. I would
have made better time if I wasn't interrupted by the warehouse truck, but that is part of
my job - dealing with the unexpected. I still finished Wednesday stuff at 12:15ish. Then I
sat down and started to clean up Tuesday and the Monday slop that was still there mixed in
with it. I really did pick a terrible day to be sick.
Lets just say that I made up half of the hours I lost being sick. By the end of the day
people where asking me if I was okay. I looked a little red. I felt warm, but I thought it
was the 'better safe then sorry' attitude I took in getting dressed with my long
underwear.
I then grabbed a few things I needed to survive - Milk - OJ (for the cold) - Popcorn
(movie day) - and some Hamburger Helper. Dropped them off at home. Grabbed the sheet of
paper with my questions on it (the holes from my chart are now verified or filled), talked
to Devin briefly, and then went to my Doctors.
They had called twice about the information I had requested. I missed the opportunity to
call them twice and then I got sick. So, now I figured I would just drop by and get the
info, tell them about having been sick and ask if they thought I should get looked at. The
receptionist hooked me up with the nurse that had the info I wanted and said that the LPN
could look at me and then consult the Dr. if it was necessary. I took a seat and was
seen in about 30 maybe 45 minutes. Not having an appointment I wasn't concerned about how
long it took - they were doing me a favor. The LPN was great. Very comfortable with her. I
told her I was just concerned that I might have a respiratory infection, and I didn't want
it to get out of control. I'm not on any meds. now (except the Bactruim). She took my
temperature. She came back into the room to see me watching the thermometer and waving it
down. She took it out - 100.1º. I felt fine though! Just a little hot. Still achy and a
little short of breath but quite functional.
She came back with my Doctor. They went over all my symptoms - what happened last Monday.
Then I heard a lot of things I agreed with, and one that I verbally object to and was put
down.
Prescription for another antibiotic, more blood work, throat culture and a chest X-ray
just to be sure - oh, and a note to stay home from work.
NO! I can work! I have to work! You do not understand the work I'll have to do if I miss
work!
He and the nurse just shook their heads. "Not until you are better."
I am better. I did not come here to be told I was sick!
All right. I'm done pouting. I can handle a day off from work. If I had to pick a time to
be sick this would be the best. Inventory is done now. Because of the inventory and the 10
hours of time and half I put in on Sunday - it was like having an extra three days on the
paycheck. Now it was only 2 and a half days. I could lose another day and still have the
money I need to survive (all right technically another two days - but I was looking to get
a head a bit).
Gagged on the throat culture. Got the paperwork on the blood lab and X-rays - all down in
the basement. They told me to come back up and get the prescription and the note (he
didn't know which one to prescribe yet). Went and saw my favorite phlebotomists and got
the blood drawn. Went next door and got my X-ray from a customer I hadn't seen in while.
We talked while we took the pic's. (*L* I heard the other technician in the back the whole
time. She had me sit down while they checked the film (to see if they would have to retake
it). She then came out to tell me they where fine and I could go. They would call the
results up in just a minute. She went to the back and I put my coat on. I heard the film
getting shoved into the light board and the guy say, "What the ..?" and she just
replied, "Nipple ring." to a reply of "Oh." I just laughed all the way
up stairs again).
The chest X-ray is negative for respiratory infections. I get the prescription for
Levaquin (which Devin has taken to calling Love-a-queen) and a note that tells me not to
go to work for the rest of the WEEK!
I rent four movies for my day of captivity. I took the note to work and told the Assistant
if don't have a fever all day to day - I'll be in on Friday.
I'm sorry, I think my Doctor over reacted. I can't afford to be gone all week. I can work.
In fact right now I could be at work. I feel fine - no fever. Still a bit of a cough -
same thing that has been hanging on me all month and generally seems to happen this time
of the year. I'll take my medicine. I'll rest when I'm home. I never thought I'd say it,
but I want to be at work.
Man, I'm hungry again all ready. I'm going to make some food and watch a movie. Then
finish the rest of my e-mail and take a nap.
Look at that! 98.8º - absolutely normal!
Barely. Just finished watching 'Wilde' while getting over a fever. Yes, it's done now.
Woke up with a 101º and now it's 98.9º. This yo-yo shit has to stop.
I have a few theorize. Want to hear them?
Also, can't help it. I'm worried about Devin. To the best of my knowledge he still doesn't have a place to go. I still just can't keep him here. Maybe I can go another week, but I'll feel like I'm buckling and I'll hate myself for it. I'm not responsible for him. He's had all the time, and more, that he has needed. I've done all that I can. Maybe this virus is just getting passed back and forth between us, but I'm the only one getting sick. I'm just getting tired of having him around here. Besides, it's starting to be unsafe for him to be here.
That is not what it sounds like. I have noticed over the years that after I get sick - I get horny. I feel that I may say or do something that will really jeopardize our friendship if he stays around much longer. Maybe even in the mundane sense of the word. Like I said, I'm just getting tired of him being around here. I don't think he realizes when he's being inconsiderate. I can't bring myself to tell him because inconsideration isn't his expectation, it's mine. I'm starting to get possessive of 'my' things when I know I should be sharing - but I still can't shake the feeling that he is taking advantage of the fact that I will share.
I've been asked to speak at Washburn University on Feb 8. Part of a 'Sexual Responsibility Week' is my understanding. I need to go and check in at TAP some time next week to get all the details. TAP was concerned about my privacy - can they use my name in the fliers? How do I want to be referred to? Et cetera. I don't think they understand I am completely out of the HIV closet. It doesn't bother me to have people know. It doesn't bother me to be called a 'Client of TAP'. I realize there are still others that are very secretive, but in my opinion they are still in denial. They don't want others to know because they still want to hold on to the idea that they don't have it. I have the virus - I can live with it - its my burden, but I will carry it with pride.
I felt bad last weekend when I had to call Shawn McGee and tell him that I couldn't paint with him because of inventory. He called me today and it turns out - they didn't get any of it done. Going to try again next weekend. I'm going - provided I'm better.
Okay, I'm off to dream land again. I told you I was resting - I meant it. I'm off to dream strange things, like I have been. Dreaming of black men more then anything else. Don't know why, but at least I like it. ... Also had a dream that Fred died and for some reason I had to escort him to hell. I woke up before I got there - don't know if I came back or not.
Well, they aren't here, but all of his stuff is. I hope they don't think they are just
both going to be staying here.
I feel like the kid on the play ground that has a toy that another kid wants. After the
teacher breaks up the fight, she gives the lecture about sharing. So, the kid with the toy
decides to share, but the other kid with his hands on the toy just monopolizes it. The kid
then goes to the teacher and asks why he can't play with his own toy, and the teacher
replies,
"Well, you shouldn't have given it to him."
Well, thinking it's his toy, the kid marches back over and demands to have it back. Once
the teacher breaks up the fight she gives the lecture about sharing again.
One of two things happens next. The kid with the toy figures he got burned on that once
before and doesn't fall for it again. When he walks off with the toy, the other kid is
given the lecture about 'It wasn't yours anyway.' but since he's figured out the game,
just picks a fight with another kid with a better toy - who is given the lecture about
sharing (starting the whole thing over again). Or, the kid with the toy turns the toy over
to share again, but the other kid just takes it over again (starting the whole thing over
again).
There is no share - only give and take. Maybe I'm bitter - but that is what I see.
Just once I'd like to met a guy that doesn't want anything from me other then my company.
By the way - my Bactruim theory is holding up. No fever tonight - I feel great in fact.
Only thing I can't figure out is why it took a week for it to start having this effect.
Will probably go out for a change. Who am I kidding, its not for a change - I have only
one thing on my mind. I've been sick (that makes me horny). Storm just rolled through
(guess what that does). There is a full moon out tonight (yup, that too). And it's been
how long? I really hope I don't do anything stupid.
Finally put 5179 aside and moved on. I'll come back to that problem later.
It's called empirical study. Pose a theory and then prove it, or disprove it.
The electric blanket has stayed in exactly the same setting - no fever. Not environmental.
Went out dancing - all night. Still fine. It's not from over exertion.
Didn't take any Tylenol all weekend. It's not that.
Monday If I get sick - I have my proof.
Okay, about having one thing on my mind. I danced until I was tired. Very tired. Then I
saw Devin and his friend at the bar. They just came back from a Pink Floyd concert. Told
them, as the bar closed, that I would see them later. When I came home at 4:30 they said
they were worried that I had driven into a ditch - yeah, real worried. Devin was on the
computer so I couldn't have even called if I was in trouble. They where both watching TV.
Like I said to them - I said I would see them later, not that I was coming home.
I went to the Porno store after being turned down at the bar (actually I didn't try hard -
I was busy having a great time dancing). Then I drove to Lawrence and 'ate Chinese'. ;)
I'm not going to say any more then that. Well, not much more. I did tell him about being
HIV+. For some reason he thought that meant he could ask if he could cum in my mouth. I
still said no. I don't even like it when a donut creams in my mouth. He did respect that
though. We didn't do anything more then my give him a blow job, but unlike the last guy at
Gage park - I had a good time. I enjoyed it. I hope I see him again.
So I came home and found them watching TV (Devin watching from the computer). He asked if
I was okay. I said yes - then went to my room to remove my dirty shirt. Then I watched the
TV I recorded like I always do - while Devin went to bed and his friend slept on the
couch, snoring next to me. I refuse to feel bad about that. No one has still asked me if
he can stay here. He just falls asleep on the couch and brings boxes of his stuff in here.
By the way - they are still here. I'm done being nice about it. They will be gone by
Wednesday. Then I will clean up after them (I've kind of been waiting to see how
long it would take for Devin to empty the trash with out my asking him - it hasn't
happened). They left pancakes on the stove today. All the stuff they used is still out or
in the sink. Just no clean up.
Well, Jen is now here - I have someone else to complain to. See you next month. We are
going to watch something other then the Super Bowl (Brian should be happy - Denver is far
ahead now).
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