Recent Journal entries

© 1998 October (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

9810.01

Quick and brief a few things to report.
1) My computer is spazzing out. I don't know if it was just time for it to happen or if its because there are two of us using it and it's becoming confused. My first plan of action to prevent a total failure is to try buying more memory. But If I'm not here for a while, you know why.
2) My Friend Tom from Texas is coming down this Saturday for awhile. The apartment my be a bit crowded with the three of us, but it could be fun. Looking forward to it.
3) What's with 'Cow and Monkey'? Monkey is money remember? I declared Bankruptcy. The Monkey is shot but not dead until the court appearance. It jumped up because I thought I had screwed myself when I was going over the signed papers and noticed a card had been left out. My Lawyer, Ruth Graham, filed an amendment. It will cost me a bit more but she assures me will not damage my case since I caught it so soon.
Cow is Career, remember? Or more plainly my job. She is discontent because of the 'buy out' talk. You may remember me mentioning going to a big store meeting, but not being able to talk about the details. The details where that Our parent company in California decided they didn't want to have to keep reaching inland to run us (Frankly, no has liked they way they did it anyway, so we where glad) but this meant selling us. The warehouse company that supplies our stock bought us to protect their interests. AWG (Atlantic Wholesale Grocers) bought us - this was never in dispute. The plan was to sell us to us. An employee run business. It sounded good. Up to 90% of employees voted it as a good idea. The major (employee) company stock holders (all getting ready to retire in the next five or less years) decided they didn't think it was a good idea - because they wanted guarantees on the money they would be taking with them when they retired. As I understand it was a close vote, but this close to retiring, they didn't want to 'risk' their money. So they vote it down - Now AWG has to find a buyer for us - new owners could jeopardize their money more (idiots). However the talk is that AWG will own us, and let us run ourselves. Nothing definite yet. Everyone is a bit edgy over the decisions coming soon.
I guess I picked a good time to get rid of my debts and make sure I could take a loss if I had to.
4) Humorous note - walking in the Park last night. Trying to write a poem in my head (still working on it) decided to take a detour through the Rose Garden (color is a big part of the poem). In the Rose Garden there is a big fountain. Kind of a big 'bird bath' or wine glass shaped object with a spring of water shooting up from the center. I walked by it once - made a 'lap' of the garden - and then passed it on my way out. I did a double take, not sure I was actually seeing this.
Sure enough though, a man - bare ass naked - laying down in the fountain ... masturbating. It was hysterical actually. He fit just perfect in the fountain - looked very comfortable. Occasionally his balls would cover the water spout then it would just spray back up into the air. I really wish I would have had a camera. Stunned I stopped.
"Hi." he said.
"Hi." I said back. "How are you doing?" It was a stupid question but the only one I could think of.
"Great." he said "The water is really nice."
"Cool." I said more as a statement then a question.
"A little." he said "But feels good." I just nod. After a little while he looked at me standing there in my jeans and 'Pride' T-shirt (one my Brother gave me from NY) and asked, "Are you a Cop?"
That's when I really started to laugh. I told him no, but that they are out here and he should be more careful. We talked a bit longer then he decided the water was getting to cold. I gave him a hand getting out of the fountain. Talked a little longer as he got dressed. Walked to his car with him and told him to stop and say 'Hi' anytime he saw me walking (I had seen him out there before - just not like this). I have to admit - I kind of admire the balls it took to do that (figuratively speaking).
Speaking of which - it's time to go for a walk again.
5) Last, but not least. Norvir is nationally out of the capsules. Today I got the medication in a Liquid that doesn't need to be refrigerated. Haven't tasted it yet, but I'm not looking forward to that. Maybe I'll like it better - it would definitely travel better.

Should get my walk done so I'll be back in time for Pat and Leah to come by.

9810.03

Oh my ... ewgh ... god! Blahk!

Nationally Norvir is out of the capsules. Problems getting them to work right (I don't understand that, but that is what they say). Only the liquid is available now.
Shake well before each use. ~ I can do that.
DO NOT REFRIGERATE ~ maybe I should have had this during my vacation.
Oh God ... the word and bothers me here. Alcohol 43% by volume also bothers me. I truly dislike the idea of Alcohol as a base for many medications. I try to avoid them as much as possible. I don't know why people make them. I think those that do make them have probably been drinking quite heavily of the Alcohol to come up with flavors and phrases like
"in a peppermint and caramel flavored vehicle."
It comes with it's own shot glass. Brian said watching me take it is like watching someone down tequila shots.
Down the shot - wince violently - chase it with another drink - quickly eat something.
The medicine hits the tip of the tongue with a texture more then anything else - you feel the syrup like nature of the thing. Then it explodes in the back of your mouth with this sparkling tingle (that's the peppermint kicking in) and swallows with a clear crispness. Suddenly the taste of caramel coats the mouth and fights with the peppermint as the taste of a bizarre medicine lies trapped in the syrup coating your mouth. You want the caramel flavor to finally coat your mouth and let it's sweetness over power the medicine but the peppermint keeps washing through your mouth clearing the pallet so the whole thing can just start over again.
At least with DDI you chewed it and the chalky taste overpowered you and you gag with desperation and drank to free yourself of the flavor. Slowly it washed away - but it washed away. With this stuff the Peppermint keeps the pallet clean so the torture of the flavor can haunt you fresh each time it comes back with a caramel burp.

Needless to say - I don't like the taste of the new liquid medicine.
Had lunch with Jen. Jen came by tonight, we watched Sheriff Buck try to corrupt a few souls. Now I'm going to take a nap. Tomorrow Tom arrives from Texas. Maybe we will go out and play some darts. Watch Voyager late into the day or do something different.
I've gotten tired of watching 'Total Eclipse' and the self destructive nature of relationships.

9810.05

What kind of sick and twisted mind would turn a wet dream into a porno public service announcement? Mine.

I won't even mention the names of the people involved in this dream - but I think I should mention the 'plot'. The credits begin.
'Amateur films presents: Nancy Drew and the Party Boys Last video.'
Narration by a man : "People have been wondering why we haven't made a movie in a while. There's a story behind that, and it goes back to my first film." From black, you see the 'film' roll up and a naked man with a beer sits down in front of the camera.
"Hi. My name is ****** and I'm about to cheat on my wife. I've always wanted to be in video. I'm here in a hotel, waiting on a hooker named Candy. She's going to let me tape what happens and see if she can get it to some producers - she wants to break into the business also. I'm drinking the beer because I do love my wife and daughters. But I really want to try this." Knock on the door.
Narration by a man as many sexual scenes flash by of the man and the hooker : "You all remember this film. It's the one that started it all. Critics said it had to be scripted but was brilliantly acted. My confession and later during our 'captivating love scenes' when I called Candy by my wife's name Nancy seemed to hit home. Our talks about my family life and my innocent wife and young daughters as I got drunker and drunker and just kept fucking away the pain of what I was doing. The film was a big hit in the Amateur circuit. The viewers demanded more. Thus, the second film."
Scenes are now clips of the credits of another film. A different naked man sits down in front of the camera. "Hi, My name is ****. I'm a fishing buddy of ******'s. I'm going to help him live out a few of his fantasies today because it's his birthday."
Narration by a man : "It was a surprise party thrown by my best friend. The only person I had confided the secret of my first film. It took place in my cabin. He and I with the three nameless Hookers partied for hours, and got it all on tape. Lot's of alcohol and sex. He and I talked with the hookers while showering them with Champaign and rolling in the confetti. Again I talked about how my 'puritan' wife would definitely not approve, but she would never know.
Again, the fans loved the tape and wanted more. Candy had broken into the porn industry with a big bang, becoming a big star. In one of her interviews she talked about the second film and coined the name "Party Boys" for my friend and I. The third film was another land breaking film."
Scenes change to the next film. "Party Boys strike again" Narration continues.
"**** and I threw a big party. We invited other amateurs that had written us an wanted a chance to break into the business with us. We read the letters and showed the pictures that got our attention. As **** and I watched, or joined in, we also talked about all the sneaking around we had to do keep our wives from finding about this and the other two movies. That I had it easier since my wife wouldn't even talk about movies like this let alone look at one. But the letters and correspondence between the others made for some close calls. We talked to the other amateurs about similar problems or the lack of them. It wasn't until ******* took out the cocaine that this movie picked up. He was a pro. **** and I had never tried it. I didn't react well to it - two of the girls left. **** and ******* had to hold me down and talk me down from a place of angst about what I have done to my wife and family.
Again, the critics called us brilliant writers and actors. No one wanted to believe this was all real.
The next film wasn't as well liked."
Clips of a new film beginning. ****, ******* and ****** sitting naked in front of the camera. They separate the lines of cocaine as they drink beer.
"This is the true story of two friends that have been cheating on their wives to make pornographic films. This time, we have invited our wives to the party."
Narration by a Man : "The Alcohol and drugs really impaired us. We couldn't perform like we had in the past films. Not to mention we kept wondering when our wives would show up, which annoyed our three hookers. We kept talking about how our marriages where beginning to break up. We hoped that coming clean on this would help to bring us together again. Our wives called us to cancel, they wanted us home, because Nancy found out she was pregnant. Unfortunately we did get surprise guest to show up. They where the two women that had given ******* the drugs ... looking for their money. They beat ******* to hell and weren't much nicer to **** and I. Looking back on this tape, it think its almost funny that we where so fucked up that we thought this would be a great film as the women finally gave into us and we had our way with them. The women really had only business on their minds.
"Critics accused us of trying to present a morality play. They where insulted by the innuendo. Unfortunately - most people weren't listening - just watching. It went over big in the S&M markets. Old fans cried out for more of the old stuff. New fans wanted it to get uglier.
Reenter, Candy. She invited us to one of her films. She don the name 'Nancy Drew' and the three of us returned as the 'Party Boys'. This was our first venture into the non-amateur film industry. We actually had a script. Candy was to be my wife that I had always talked about. Supposedly the other Party Boys uncovered her own secrete life in porno.
Critics pan the film as trash. Good sex scenes, but terrible acting and a poor plot. Funny thing was - it suddenly became clear to many that we had not been acting before.
So, now that I've showed you the best of - how about something new. For you new fans that wanted it to get ugly. Here is *******'s last performance. **** and I where outside his bedroom window filming this."
Typical of ******* he shoots up his drugs and has sex with a hooker. Shortly after the sex his drug dealers break into the room and start to beat him again. The hooker escapes narrowly, after **** breaks into the room to try and help *******. He also gets beaten, but ******* is then shot. You can hear ****** near the camera crying. Unable to act even as **** begs him to call the police for help. Scene changes -
**** is getting undressed in a room as the narration continues.
"For those that want a little of what we used to do, with a twist."
A beautiful woman walks in the room and is surprised to see ****. Oddly enough her face is blurred out with a computer. They make mad passionate sex. In the after glow discussion we find that this is ****'s home and this is his wife. He starts to make love to her again. This time while he has sex he comes clean on his film adventures. The woman becomes enraged and leaves **** crying on the bed. The narration continues.
"These are all true stories. **** won't do the films any more. He says it has destroyed everything he ever held dear. I have to agree. This is why there haven't been any more films. I have tried to recapture what I once had." An old 'film' clip begins to run. It's ****** and a woman in bed having sex. Nothing quite so wild as he had become known for. Afterwards, she falls asleep and ****** sneaks out of bed and turns off the camera.
"That was me and my wife. My very first attempt to be in the movies. In the end this was the result."
****** sits down in front of the camera. He looks very thin. He has lesions on his face.
"Candy died one year ago under mysterious circumstances. My son lived to be three before dying of AIDS. Nancy died of AIDS related pneumonia last month. My Daughters now aged 16 and 13 live with her parents and won't come to see me or return my calls. I have AIDS related cancer and I'm not responding well to treatments.
People and critics once accused us of presenting a morality play. It was the furthest thing from our minds. I suspect that they will accuse me of trying it now. All I have to say is ... This was all a true story."

I elaborate on this dream a bit - but this is what I dreamed. Many growing scenes with people I really had no bussiness dreaming about, cheating on their wives on film. Then losing it all and this last scene replaying in my head. Then I woke up thinking,
"What kind of sick and twisted mind would turn a wet dream into a porno public service announcement?"

I have added more memory to the computer. I'm now at 48MB. Things run faster, but the computer is still not reading that well from the Hard Drive.
Rent, Halloween, food then the computer again. I'll just have to make due. Must sleep now.

9810.08

Today was Payday. Paid Rent, may still have some money left in the Bank for a change.
Tom left for Austin this morning. I've really enjoyed having him here. Not just because he got me caught up on almost all the Voyager episodes, but because its cool to be talking to him again and getting involved in some Trek debates with he and Brian (P).
Joe came into town today. He came into work today to touch base with me about the wedding stuff (I'm going to be a groomsman in his wedding this weekend). Tomorrow will probably be the big day for all of his arrangements (pick up the tux's, rehearsal dinner, 'bachelor party' - we may go to KC for some haunted houses). Wedding on Saturday.
Sunday I will be working again - counting for Inventory.
Monday is the Dentist appointment I had to reschedule because it was at the same time as my last Dr.'s appointment.
Tuesday is the Inventory.
Going to be a busy few days.

I think I'm heading for a hard drive failure. I guess that money I thought I was saving is going to be flying out of my hands anyway. The new memory makes everything work faster - but it is still having problems with 'illegal functions' from some programs - and won't read my e-mail program from the hard drive (thus if you haven't heard from me lately this is the reason. I have a quick fix with my Netscape ~ if it can be read (that's iffy). Saving to the hard drive may be difficult also. So you may not actually see these entries as I make them). I hope to have this new problem fixed by the end of the month. Depends on how much happens and how much money it will take. Especially since I do not have a full back up of all my system (not from lack of trying - it just won't finish).
All things to worry about later.
Dave told me I could use his name on the web. Dave is the vendor/truck driver that I stood in the 'Titanic' line for and met for lunch on the day of that last blood work.
Well, lets see if I can get all this uploaded - then go to bed.

9810.12

I don't seem to have any problems in this part of the computer. Retrieving e-mail is a problem. I finally hooked Netscape up to do my mail (yuck). I check it every once in a while and try to answer everything before leaving since I don't want to go back to that program.

Okay, where to start to catch you all up on the past few days.
Just returned from the Dentist - all is well.
Got very pissed off at the state of Wyoming for my lunch. A man was beaten by three others. Two are in custody. Today the beaten man died. The news finally released why he was beaten ~ he was gay. What is the 'Equality State' interested in? They are concerned that the world will now think of them as a stereo-type of overly macho men that beat gays. They don't plan to make any new laws against hate crimes though - they are concerned that doing so would take rights away from people that already have them.
I'm going to look into getting more information about this crime. All I have to say is that this particular news story has probably kept a few hundred teens in the closet and maybe even sparked thoughts of suicide in a few. After all this is 1998 ~ if this kind of thing still happens what keeps them safe? Stories like this is what makes gays fear being honest, willing to lie to family and friends, unable to trust, unable to express themselves and be happy.

I was a Groomsman in a wedding. It was a beautiful wedding with a lot of really great people around. I was honored to have been a part of it. I hope both families and the new couple have many happy years ahead of them.
Getting a little tired of some of the extreme prejudices at work. Most religiously related. Many brought up by this wedding.
When my friend came to touch base with me as he arrived in town, I greet him with open arms and a hug. It was automatically assumed by everyone in the store that my friend was gay and my new boyfriend. When I told them that he was not my boyfriend and that I was going to be a groomsman in his wedding, one girl looked very upset. When I asked her what was wrong she told me she didn't think it was 'right'. When I didn't understand why it was 'wrong' for a man to get married she didn't really want to talk about it any more. That's when I realized,
"He's getting married to a WOMAN." Which seemed to make all the difference. Funny, everyone in the wedding party (family and friends included) didn't have a problem with me being gay or there, or any prejudices against any kind of love. Btw' I hadn't met 98% of the people there. I knew the Groom and have met the Bride a few times in the last couple of years. I somewhat knew her father (he was my advisor in college). Anyone else I had met only in passing some time in the last twelve years. I felt like I belonged with these people. I was never shut out or made to feel an outsider.
Next moment of 'stress' was when one man asked me what church they where getting married in. I blanked out on the name of the Woodward House at the time, but the conversation ended abruptly as he said in a very cold voice,
"In other words they aren't getting married in a church." and then he walked away.
What the hell difference does it make where you get married? Outdoor weddings aren't in a church, unless you are an earth worshiper. Frankly, after having been at the Woodward House - I couldn't think of a more beautiful place to have had it. Not to mention they also cater the reception. Guess it's a good thing he didn't stick around to find out the couple where married by a Judge instead of a minister ~ though he was an old friend of the family (I can't think of anything better then to be married by someone that knows you).
As I sat back and watched this wedding unfold in front of me (the gathering of the friends and family, the planing, the love, the diversity of it all) I only kept thinking,
"One day, I hope I can have a ceremony this nice and full of love."

The only thing I feel bad about is that I wasn't able to give them a gift at the wedding. Money is still a little tight. I am getting something for them on the next payday. What, I'm not sure of yet ~ but I want to look around a little and get them something that I think feels like them and that they will enjoy. My one advantage is that I have seen the majority of gifts they received, so I won't duplicate anything.

One last thing. Inventory. I went in Sunday after the wedding night. Not a whole lot of sleep the past few days. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to the Bachelor Party - but I have never been to a Haunted House and I had a great time. Spent 10 hours counting Tops before going home. The first 4 hours of my day were wasted by my 'helper' that didn't seem to have any problem leaving me standing on the top decks with nothing to do as he shuffled around complaining. After lunch I got a new helper and began to fly across the decks and get pallets condensed. Had fun with the people I worked with later that night as well.
Watched them actually get a lot accomplished today. Starting to feel pretty good about Inventory tomorrow morning despite the fact that it is first thing in the morning (not at noon like the last few have been). No margin for error here. If it isn't counted one hour after we open the inventory crew will be waiting on us.

Before I ramble much more I think I'm going to go to bed. It is very late (for me). Must get some sleep. I want to wake up and go for a walk tonight - haven't been all week - but don't know if I will be awake enough to do it. May sleep though it one more time (you fat slob) and try again tomorrow after the fifty cent movie.

9810.13

Please pardon my rant ~ but I want to be able to sleep with out this stress.

Inventory was a joke. Everyone walked in thinking it was at noon (like it usually is) and had to deal with me and the Assistant desperately repeating -
"No! Seven A M! One hour away from now!" and we all scrambled around trying to get everything counted as the inventory crew walked in the door. I had to deal with all the vendors that thought they could get checked in anyway and 'beat' the inventory crew to there section of the store. Not going to happen. Trying to keep track of the invoices that are before and after the inventory while counting the back room and collecting the inventories from the vendors. Calling in two of them that 'forgot' ~ SOB's, lets see if they get any help from me in the near future.
Just when I thought all my stress was over I get a phone call. It's the Dr.'s. They want to change my meds. They just wanted to find out which pharmacy to send the order to. No talk, no counseling, no consent - just tell me to start four new drugs. Not really four new drugs - but one is actually new. Which means I know nothing about this new drug. If I understood her right it's called Festiva (like the car). I think the nurse was a bit taken back when I told her I wasn't going to take any of this until I knew more. That I wanted to talk to the Dr. about all the new meds. and why he feels we should change (again) so soon after starting these that I'm on now. Startled when I told her I didn't want to talk to her about them but the Dr. That I will fight tooth and nail not to go back on DDI! That is the only thing worse then the Novir liquid in taste. Worse because you have to chew it and tolerate this taste longer then a quick swig. Not to mention that it was four drugs she listed off that they want me to change to. FOUR! More then likely on an 8 hour schedule again. I don't feel like I'm loosing ground.
I feel FINE! I'm not sick! At the last blood count that I know of my T-Cells where the same. Why should we go messing around with this stuff? I think all the med. changes could be responsible for the dips and fluctuations. I need stability.
Then I also laid into her for not having received the promised list of all my past blood counts.
Why am I the only one that seems to be extremely upset that a man was beaten and hung on a post in the middle of a campus in Wyoming because he was gay!?! Why does the excuses that there are no hate crime laws in Wyoming mean anything when a man has died from this kind of beating? Why do they think that passing some will take rights away from somebody else? That makes no sense to me at all!!!
Going to the movies tonight. Going for a walk tonight. Going to do some web research on a beating in Wyoming and a new drug on the HIV/AIDS market. Going to go and argue with my Dr. about it on Friday at 3pm ~ screw getting to sleep. They will just think the meds are failing again anyway.

Warm chicken flavored noodles and a big glass of milk. Time to be calm. Time to sleep.

9810.14

What follows is a collection of articles about a recent Hate Crime resulting in the death of a human being. Hope you are as shocked as I am that this could happen on the verge of the 21st century.

Gay Man Attacked in Wyoming - By E.N. SMITH
.c The Associated Press

LARAMIE, Wyo. (AP) -- A gay University of Wyoming student was beaten, burned and tied to a wooden ranch fence like a scarecrow until a passerby found him a half-day later, near death.
Police arrested two men and two women. Police Cmdr. Dave O'Malley said that robbery was the chief motive but that the victim was chosen in part because he is gay and that the defendants made anti-gay remarks after the attack.
The victim, Matthew Shepard, 22, told friends he had suffered two other beatings recently that he attributed to his open homosexuality.
Some fellow students said they had no doubt the latest beating was also a hate crime.
"That has to do with the fact this is a cowboy place. People aren't exposed to it. They're too close-minded," said Alicia Alexander, a college sophomore.
Shepard was found Wednesday evening by a man on a bicycle who at first thought he was a scarecrow or a dummy because of how he was tied to the fence.
He was unconscious, and his skull had been smashed with a handgun. He also appeared to have suffered burns on his body and cuts on his head and face. The temperature had dropped into the low 30s during the more than 12 hours Shepard was left outside.
He was in critical condition Friday on a respirator at Poudre Valley Hospital in Fort Collins, Colo.
"He's a small person with a big heart, mind and soul that someone tried to beat out of him," said his uncle, R.W. Eaton. "Right now, he's in God's hands."
Russell Arthur Henderson, 21, and Aaron McKinney, whose age was not immediately available, were charged Friday with attempted murder, kidnapping and robbery. They were ordered held on $100,000 cash bond.
Chastity Vera Pasley, 20, a student, waived her arraignment and was ordered held on $30,000 cash bond on accessory charges. Kristen Leann Price, 18, was expected to be charged as an accessory next week.
Police accused the two men of luring the victim from the Fireside bar, a campus hangout, by telling him they were gay.
O'Malley said the three drove off in McKinney's truck late Tuesday or early Wednesday. He said the two men beat Shepard in the truck, then beat him some more after tying him to the fence about a mile outside Laramie. They took his wallet and shoes, O'Malley said.
Later, the two young women helped the men dump their bloody clothing, O'Malley said. He said the two men made anti-gay remarks to the two women, who told police about the crime.
Laramie, with a population of 27,000, is a Western-tinged college town about 50 miles west of Cheyenne, Wyoming's capital. It is nestled in a valley between the Snowy Range Mountains and the Laramie Range, and its downtown is dotted by small restaurants and shops selling crafts and Western wear.
Shepard spent some of his time growing up in Casper but studied around the world and had recently lived in Denver. His parents live in Saudi Arabia, where his father works as an oil rig safety inspector. They were on their way to Fort Collins.
"It's really hard to be gay and live in Wyoming because of the good-ol'-boy network. It's such a conservative state," said Kete Blonigen, a college junior. "I'm almost afraid and expecting someone to say, `He was gay. What does it matter?' I can totally see that happening."
Efforts to pass hate-crime legislation in Wyoming have failed repeatedly because critics have said it would give homosexuals special rights. In the past three years, Wyoming lawmakers also have unsuccessfully tried to pass legislation banning same-sex marriages.
"More rural states are known for having a less tolerant, more aggressively hateful political structure and social structure," said Lester Olmstead-Rose, executive director of Community United Against Violence, a gay rights group in San Francisco. "If there's a feeling that you can get away with it, you might just try."
He said that as a result, many gay people flee rural and suburban areas and move to cities, even though the level of anti-gay violence is high even in New York, San Francisco and other metropolitan areas.
O'Malley, a 25-year veteran of the police force, said there had been a few hate crimes over the years, "but nothing anywhere near this."

This crime was even more brutal then I had heard on the radio. I've often wondered what breeds in the 'need to escape' places like Kansas and other rural areas. Now I guess I know. Even those not directly in the line of fire can be offended by the attitudes they see around them and want to escape the ignorance rather then stop it.

Sexual orientation a trigger for hate-crime laws, but not in Wyoming - By ROBIN McDOWELL, Associated Press Writer (AP)

Eighteen states have hate-crime laws that cover offenses based on sexual orientation, but not Wyoming, where a 21-year-old gay student was beaten to death.
Efforts to pass a hate-crime law in Wyoming have failed repeatedly because critics have said it would give homosexuals and others special rights.
But the beating of Matthew Shepard, a University of Wyoming student who died early Monday, has galvanized many in Wyoming and elsewhere about the need for such legislation.
"I'm in favor of anything that can improve our local law enforcement efforts," Gov. Jim Geringer said Monday. "If our system is inadequate, let's talk about it ...(but) let's make sure there is an equality of justice."
Marv Johnson of the American Civil Liberties Union in Wyoming said past hate-crime bills regarding attacks on homosexuals were defeated because of language about sexual orientation.
"We have legislators in the past who have essentially equated gays with bulls that don't mate and therefore are useless and should be sent to the packing plant," he said. "That is the kind of attitude that you see in Wyoming which leads to this behavior. People don't understand that gays are as human as anybody else."
Mark Potok of the Southern Poverty Law Center of Montgomery, Ala., which tracks violence against blacks, gays and others, said attacks against gays tend be more severe than offenses against other groups.
According to his group's records, 21 men and women were slain in the United States in 1996 because of their sexual orientation.
Brian Levin, director of Stockton State College's Center on Hate and Extremism in Pomona, N.J., said that like those charged in the attack on Shepard, most of the offenders are 22 or younger, and most are male.
Arizona, California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Iowa, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Oregon, Vermont, Washington and Wisconsin have anti-hate laws based on sexual orientation, according to the Anti-Defamation League.

A few things to note here. One, notice that Kansas is not listed in the states with Hate crime laws against sexual orientation. Two, the fact that the phrase, " ...legislators in the past who have essentially equated gays with bulls that don't mate and therefore are useless and should be sent to the packing plant..." really disturbs me. How can anyone dehumanize another to the point of inferior cattle? Last, I still don't see how the state of Wyoming (or any other state) feels that passing an anti-Hate crime law would take rights away from others or give anyone else a 'special' right. They want equality of justice - that is what the hate crime laws are all about. When worded the way they are (Sexual orientation) the law prosecutes just as much a group of homosexuals that go out and beat up a heterosexual because they are 'Stupid breeders'. These are not special rights - they are equal rights.

Beating brings call for federal hate-crime law
BOSTON (AP) - A gay activist is calling for Congress to pass a federal law against sexually oriented hate crimes.
The call follows the beating and death in Wyoming of Matthew Shepard, a 21-year-old gay student at the University of Wyoming.
"We need a federal hate crime law that puts the federal government on record as opposing these activities, and guaranteeing that they will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law," Sean Cahill, chairman of Boston's Lesbian and Gay Political Alliance, told the Boston Herald.
"You can't just take a reactive posture when it comes to hate crimes," said Donald E. Gorton III, head of the Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project in Boston.
"You have to stop it pro-actively, That means legislation, prevention, programs in schools and community, school and police partnerships," he said.
Massachusetts in 1996 enacted a law making attacks on gays hate crimes, with maximum sentences of five years in prison and fines of $10,000.
The state also has a Governor's Task Force on Hate Crimes, and the Governor's Commission on Gay and Lesbian Youth that provides money and support for gay-straight alliances among students in high schools and colleges.
David LaFontaine, chairman of the commission, said Monday he plans to contact the governor's office in Wyoming to offer help in setting up a similar program there.
"We're fortunate to live in a state that has laws on the books to protect us," Dave Shannon, senior advocate in the Violence Recovery Program at the Fenway Community Health Center, told The Boston Globe.
"But wherever we are, we need to be cautious and be aware of our surroundings, and we need to guard the safety of ourselves and the people that we love.
"I think Matthew's murder is not confined to Laramie, Wyoming. It reminds us all of our vulnerability," he said.
State Police statistics show the number of hate crimes in the state rose from 44 in 1995 to 77 in 1996.
State Police did not have later figures, but the Violence Recovery Program at the Fenway Community Center said it received 228 reports of anti-gay incidents last year, 42 percent more than the 161 in the state in 1996.
The center said last year's figure included 49 people who were injured, and one who was killed.
"Violence and fear of violence continue to be a reality for many gay people," said Jennifer Levi, staff lawyer with the Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders.
"It's so sad and so unfortunate when it takes murder or death to see the connection between anti-gay bigotry and violence," she said.

There was another article that mirrored this one quite a bit. I liked the quotes from Reverend Nancy Wilson that said, "It's hard to get up and say I am a Christian on days like this, God-loving people don't bash people's skulls in or teach young people to hate." and School teacher Jeff Horton that said, "We can't regard this as a controversial issue," he said, urging teachers to discuss tolerance in the classroom. "It can't be controversial to say, 'Don't call people names, don't hit them, don't hurt
them'."

Anti-gay group plans to protest funeral
CASPER. Wyo. (AP) - A Topeka, Kan., church whose members regularly engage in anti-homosexual picketing plans to demonstrate at the funeral of a 21-year-old University of Wyoming student who officials say was tortured because he was gay.
Since 1991, Westboro Baptist's the Rev. Fred Phelps and his followers began what he calls a ministry of public religious pickets with a central message of "God Hates Fags."
On Monday, Phelps issued faxes condemning the victim, Matt Shepard, for being gay.
In a telephone interview, Phelps said he was not concerned about upsetting family and friends at the funeral, which is scheduled Friday at 1:30 p.m. at St. Mark's Episcopal Church in Casper.
"What ought to make that family sad is the fact that they frittered away the opportunity to raise up a child in the nurturing admonition of the Lord," the 67-year-old minister said.
Phelps and the church's members regularly picket in public places. They on occasion have been accused of using vulgar language and of being abusive but they deny doing so.
Phelps' fax displayed examples of signs the church planned to show at the demonstration, some of which read "God hates fags," "No tears for queers" and "Fag Matt in hell."
Gov. Jim Geringer said officials cannot stop the group from coming to Casper, but he wants them to know their presence is not wanted.
"They're just flat not welcome," Geringer said. "What we don't need is a bunch of wingnuts coming in."
Public Safety Director Art de Werk said precautions are being taken in case Phelps and his 15 or so associates show up.
"We won't allow any kind of disruption of the services, period," de Werk said. "I'm sure this will raise some freedom of speech issues and so on, but we have to do what's right, and essentially my first concern in this case is that the family ... and the mourning process that they're in is not interfered with."

It would appear that they are going to do more then our local law enforcement would in the same situation. This is exactly the kind of hate and bigotry that I deal with daily in Fred's home town of Topeka.

Charges upgraded to murder in gay student's death
By ROBERT W. BLACK - Associated Press Writer
LARAMIE, Wyo. (AP) - The beating death of a gay University of Wyoming student inspired condolences from across the country, as President Clinton and activists asked lawmakers to give homosexuals the protection of hate-crime laws.
Matthew Shepard, 21, died at a Fort Collins, Colo., hospital Monday after spending several days in a coma. His skull was so badly fractured by the beating that doctors said they couldn't operate.
Shepard was found Wednesday in near-freezing temperatures, lashed to a split-rail post outside Laramie.
"All gay people and lesbians have felt alone and under siege at times," gay activist Michael Weinstein told about 1,000 people attending a candlelight vigil in West Hollywood, Calif. "Thinking of him alone on that post, ... it's just horrifying. He was so young. He had not yet had the chance to live."
Charges against Russell Arthur Henderson, 21, and Aaron James McKinney, 22, were upgraded late Monday following Shepard's death, the court clerk's office said today. Henderson and McKinney were charged with first-degree murder, aggravated robbery and kidnapping with intent to inflict bodily injury or to terrorize the victim. The murder count carries a possible death sentence; the prosecutor hasn't said whether he will seek the death penalty.
Charges against the men's girlfriends, Chasity Vera Pasley and Kristen Leann Price, were upgraded to accessory after the fact of first-degree murder. They were accused of helping their boyfriends get rid of bloody clothing.
At arraignment late Monday, the two men were ordered held without bond. Ms. Pasley, also arraigned late Monday, and Ms. Price, who was arraigned today, both had bond set at $30,000.
Police said robbery was the main motive for the attack but that Shepard apparently was chosen in part because he was gay. Shepard had been beaten twice in recent months, attacks he attributed to his homosexuality.
Students rallied Monday in downtown Denver to remember Shepard. In Laramie, some students wore yellow and green armbands to send a message of peace.
Students attending a rally against a columnist who criticized gays in the University of Maryland campus newspaper observed 30 seconds of silence for Shepard. And in the Castro district of San Francisco, the giant rainbow flag that symbolizes the gay movement was lowered to half staff.
"Americans will once again search their hearts and do what they can to reduce their own fear and anxiety and anger at people who are different," Clinton said. "And I hope that Congress will pass the hate-crime legislation."
The Hate Crimes Protection Act would make federal offenses of crimes based on sex, disability and sexual orientation. Current law covers crimes based on race, color, religion or national origin.
Of the 41 states that have hate-crime laws, 21 specifically cover offenses motivated by the victim's sexual orientation. Efforts to pass a hate-crime law in Wyoming have failed.
Shepard died just as Gay Awareness Week was starting in Laramie.
"There's no way that can be overlooked," said Jim Osborn, who attended grade school with Shepard. "If his death leads to passage of hate-crimes legislation in Wyoming, it will be a bittersweet footnote in our state's history."
Meanhwile, the Rev. Fred Phelps, the leader of a Topeka, Kan., church whose members regularly engage in anti-homosexual picketing, said he was planning a demonstration at Shepard's funeral.
Gov. Jim Geringer said he cannot stop Phelps from coming, but said precautions would be taken to make sure Friday's services aren't interrupted.
Geringer said Phelps' group is "just flat not welcome. ... What we don't need is a bunch of wingnuts coming in."
While friends and family planned memorial services, new details emerged about a second alleged attack by the suspects the night Shepard was lured from a campus hangout, robbed and beaten.
Two Hispanic teen-agers said Henderson and McKinney ambushed them early Wednesday, cutting the scalp of one before the other retaliated.
Police Sgt. Jeff Bury confirmed that Henderson and McKinney were involved in an altercation with Emiliano Morales III, 19, and Jeremy Herrera, 18, both of Laramie.
The teens said they were walking to a park just after midnight - about an hour after investigators believe Shepard was assaulted - when two men suddenly appeared.
Both Morales and Herrera, who said they are not gay, did not hear any anti-Hispanic or anti-gay slurs, only cussing and what Herrera called "talking smack."
"Jeremy yelled, 'He's got a gun,' and he hit me in the head," Morales said. "Jeremy ran up and hit him with a stick and we took off."
Police responded to the fracas. During a court hearing Friday, the judge read from investigative reports that said police found a bloody gun and one of Shepard's credit cards in McKinney's truck.
McKinney was taken to a hospital for treatment. Soon after, Morales needed 21 staples to repair his scalp.
During an interrogation early Wednesday, Herrera said, police had asked about someone named Shepard - presumably based on the credit card - but Herrera said he didn't know anything about the person.
Later Wednesday, Shepard was found tethered to the post, and officers began investigating whether his injuries could have been inflicted with the same gun used in the attack on Morales.

I don't know if it was a good idea that I looked all this up. I wanted to be informed on the facts before I got any madder. Instead, I got madder the more I knew. The Grendel in me wanted out so bad. It would have had no direct purpose though. It's very frustrating to have this kind of anger and no place to point it that will get any kind of result.
I want to say it's very evident that we are dealing with some very sick individuals here. I'm not going to say the state of Wyoming is full of people like this or even condones their presents. I will say the state of Wyoming seems very lax in admitting they have a problem, and showing they don't condone this kind of behavior. They seem very much like a father with a son guilty of a murder. Concerned enough to put up a show for the public of disapproval, but desperately trying to keep the beloved son from prosecution despite knowing they did wrong.
I have always lived by the creed of 'Civil Disobedience'. Taking responsibility for your own actions. If I had a son that committed a crime, I wouldn't love him any less, but he would face prosecution for his crime.

Still can't find any information on this new drug. Guess I'll have to call the Dr. tomorrow and get the name of all four drugs they think they want me on. I have so much reading and writing to do. Yet my drawings are calling to me. I want to draw. I just haven't found the time yet.

9810.16

Been a day of ups and downs. I'm still waiting for some news to determine a few other feelings.

First I have been following the Matt Shepard news fairly closely. In my e-mail I received a copy of a letter from Ed Smith to Fred Phelps.

Reverend Phelps,
My name is Ed, and I would like to express to you my concern over your reported intention to "picket" the wake/funeral of Matthew Shepard. I understand, believe me that I do, that you are a jerk who purports to be a man of God. That's ridiculous!
Sir, I am retired from the U.S. Navy after serving 21 years. I have seen many things, known a huge variety of people, and visited five continents. I don't think I've met anyone, personally, who makes me as angry as people like you. The closed-mindedness and inconsideration with which you address issues such as homosexuality is ridiculous, callous, and an abomination. Who would have thought that one human being would have the power and the knowledge to interpret the bible for all of mankind? I don't know how you handle the pressure.
But, most of all, what I want to say is that the worse part of your plan to desecrate the sacredness of Matthew's funeral is that you will be using your holiness to make a point, and at the same time potentially destroying any self-respect, privacy, and right to worship that Matthew's family should have.
Why would you take out your hatred of what Matthew may or may not have been/done on an innocent family? Is that the "Christian" thing to do? If it is, and if it's what will get me to heaven, please let me know. People die everyday, and I'd like to get on your sacrilegious bandwagon to torment the families of those who didn't deserve to live (using your scale of those who deserve and don't deserve it).
Sincerely, I request that you leave this family alone. The kid is dead! He'll never hurt any of your brethren again. Let God, Himself, judge the boy.
PLEASE LEAVE HIS FAMILY ALONE.
Respectfully,
Ed Smith

I read this and thought that it was in fact very well written, and completely useless. Fred was probably laughing as he read this, and joking about the sniveling, weak, fag-sympathizer as he read it to his family and congregation. I can tell you almost point by point where the Phelps' took offense, felt Ed was out of line and where he was absolutely wrong (in their opinion). Ed didn't make even one comment that the Phelps' would take to heart - in fact this probably strengthen their resolve to go.

I was overjoyed this morning when I heard on the radio that the Phelps had been ban from protesting the funeral. I don't know how they intend to keep him from it, but I'm glad they have at least announced the effort. I'm now waiting for news on how they did ban him and how the Phelps retaliate (if they don't get to protest, they will, I'm certain, begin to sue the state of Wyoming). This little note also begins to redeem the state of Wyoming in my head. They have at least made a step that Kansas hasn't yet (Though, and I found this ironic, we did pass a law restricting protests of funerals for an hour before and a half hour after and within so may yards of the ceremony. Yes, we Kansan's are willing to pass laws restricting our freedom of speech to shut one man up).
I began to wonder, could he be ban from even entering the state of Wyoming? Could this be done in any other state? Our state? Is it possible to ban him from every state in the Union and force him to leave the country? Something to look into.

Started looking up all the med. changes the Dr. and I are going to talk about this afternoon. I called the nurse and had her read me the list of meds and spell them for me (she also comment that she had ready for me the list of all my previous blood work and notes). The Dr.s doses and notes all say that I will keep a 2 x a day schedule.
Sustiva is the name of the new drug. In my research it shows that it only became available to the general public on October 1^st. The side effects I've read about are light headedness, feeling out of sorts or confused, upset stomach and/or nausea. The med. is only taken once a day and they recommend taking just before bed so you sleep through the worst of the side effects (which evidently wear off the longer it is in your system) and they also report that the side effects in most cases became less sever over time.
But here's something else that bothers me. 'Hydroxy Urea 500mg' the fourth drug he wants me to take. I can't find a match for it in the AEGIS data base. Largest HIV/AIDS knowledge base and it doesn't have any information on this drug. I have no idea what this drug is for or what it does. Again I'm not happy.
I have nothing against D4T except we thought it was one of the drugs that was causing my Neuropathy. True, discontinuing the use of it didn't help the neuropathy go away or subside (it is only slightly better then it was, but not progressing any more).
I would rather stay on the liquid Norvir then go back to chewing that horrid DDI again. That is saying alot. I'm not really thrilled about the liquid Norvir.
I haven't been on the Norvir, Fortovase combination very long. I don't know how big a jump my Viral load made to have him consider changing my meds. I just don't feel we have given this combination a chance yet.
I was talking to someone about this today. I very well may leave the Dr.'s office with the prescriptions and end up taking the meds. I will have lost a battle there. But just because I talked to him, I will have won a war. I will not have a Dr. call me over the phone (through a nurse even) and tell me I'm changing meds. He will discuss it with me until I agree. I am not a chart with numbers, I am not a guinea pig, I am his boss.

Alanis Morriset - 'Thank you India' ... love this song.

I wondered through the fields around my Kingdom feeling a bit lost in all the things I have going on. As I lay against a tree I heard a rustling behind me in the grass. I looked around the tree and came face to face with a white face with large innocent black eyes.
"Baaaah." the Sheep said looking at me looking at him grazing on the grass.
"Hello, fella'. Where do you belong?" I asked reaching out to pet the beast on his head. The Sheep backed up away from my hand. I then got up and reached a bit further toward the little beast. He turned and ran. I chased after the Sheep for a bit then slowed to a walk and mearly watched where it went thinking to protect it from harm. Then I noticed the rest of the flock all grazing around a figure leaning against a fence.
"Ah," I said to the Sheep as it wandered back to its flock "You where mearly a bit wayward. There is your Shepard." I continued to walk forward with the Sheep. "I'd like to met a man that puts a Sheep first." I said.
The man lean back against the fence, his arms wide open, and draped over the rails to support his weight. His head hung low under the lazy sun, and for a moment I thought perhaps he had fallen asleep, thus the reason for his flock wandering away.
As I approached, I began to notice the speckled Sheep. The wool coats stained with red dots. The faces munching on the grass staining there lips red.
I looked up and realized the Shepard was not resting peacefully, he was in fact crucified to the fence. Arms lashed back in restraint. Body beaten into submission. Hands burned, heart cut out and skull crushed under the weight of his disillusionment. I was horrified as I stare at the figure.
"Who could do such a thing?" I mutter in astonishment. I continued to wonder who was capable of such an act. Thieves and Cut-throats where not so brutal as this, and they would have taken the flock as payment for their deeds. A man of peace that only gather Sheep couldn't have done anything to deserve such retribution from anyone.
"My gods, the Sheep." I said looking around me. "Who will watch over the Sheep?" In an effort to help I tried to gather the Sheep. They all ran from me. I only began to scatter them, as they wander off to greener pastures. But their red stained feet always showed where they had been. It boggle me that I could only chase the Sheep. Here before me was a man that could gather and guide the Sheep. Who gave his life for them, and yet the Sheep wouldn't stay by his side. They didn't defend him, or shield him. Ungrateful beasts only wander away to greener pastures rather then repair the one they are in.
What kind of King am I, that can't even gather Sheep. I have a Tiger in the court. A Monkey bleeding to death in my chambers. I have fields full of Horses and Cows, but no Sheep. Perhaps it is because I have no Shepard. Now I only have the memory of a Shepard to guide me.

9810.19

So I bitched, I argued, and I left with four new prescriptions. He assures me that he intends to watch the neuropathy very closely (with my help) and possibly try treating it with drugs specifically made for it. I couldn't talk him out of DDI and the Hydroxy Urea is supposed to help the DDI. Hydroxy Urea is an old Chemotherapy drug with 'no side effects to speak of' he said. It's been a round a long time. He's sure I can find something on it if I look hard enough. Sustiva has shown very promising results - but I'm still not wild about the possible side effects.
"Dizziness, light-headedness, confusion or feeling out of sorts. Recommend taking it before bed time (so you can sleep through the worst of it) but many patients report nightmares." Great so the option is walk around like a zombis or cringe in a dark corner afraid of them.
I haven't actually tried the drugs yet. I went to go and get them today but they weren't ready yet. Since I still have plenty of Norvir and am in no hurry to start the DDI again I wasn't that upset. Should be ready tomorrow. By the way, for those thinking I may be getting a bit overactive about the new drugs ~ I find it best to envision the worst case cenario and be pleasantly surprised rather then envision the best case and be disappointed.

Went to the Gun and Knife show with Brian (P) and my Dad. Had a good time.
Went out dancing. Didn't really run into a lot of people that I knew but still had a good time.
I guess the phrase 'never to be mentioned again' is to strong ~ something will always happen. I ran into Jerry Saturday night. He has moved back here. Brought friends with him - left him standing on the corner waiting for a cab that night as he went home with someone else. In retrospect ~ same old Jerry.
Went to the Renaissance Festival by myself. Had a great time. Bought some new feathers for my hat and found a wedding present.
Sunday dinner was just me and Marshal. He brought all the pictures from his vacation to Vegas. The host of Perkins (someone we have known for a long time) sat down and ate with us on his break. Found out he and Marshal actually grew up in the same place (at the same time) they just went to different schools.
Been rewriting a couple of articles for a new local news letter (gay oriented) and will be getting together with the other guy to go over it all tomorrow.
Decided the other day the word I have been looking for is intimacy. I don't miss sex, though I want it. Love is to strong for what I want right now. Intimacy is the word I have been looking for. That is what I miss.
Just finished grocery shopping. Will pay bills later tonight or tomorrow. Halloween shopping on Payday. Anything left over for the car, then the computer.

9810.21

The Doctor is going to get yelled at (again), it is now just a question of how loud and long I'm going to yell.
Yes, I read the stuff that comes with the medications. I am not happy with the extent of my Doctor's explanations of possible side effects and reactions.
First - Hydroxyurea (one word, not two). You may remember I wrote that the Doctor said there where no side effects to worry about. Right on the bottle the Pharmacy gives me - big yellow warning sticker ' MEDICATION MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS ' okay, no problem ~ but ' THIS MEDICATION MAY LOWER YOUR ABILITY TO FIGHT OFF INFECTIONS. AVOID CONTACT WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE CONTAGIOUS DISEASES. '

Anybody else think its really stupid to be giving this to people with the HIV virus? Jeez, It's an old chemotherapy drug - I don't think it should be given to them either! Besides, I work in a grocery store. Very difficult for me to avoid people that are sick.

Lets move on the the Sustiva (efavirenz) capsules. Not his fault that it's so new that the Pharmacy didn't really have any information on it. They did give me one of the drug information inserts though. Lots of chemical jargon that I don't really know but I read. I read it all so I can find the parts I want to know. Side effects and usage (do I take it with or without food at what times ect.)
It's a Non-Nucleoside Reverse Transcriptase Inhibitor (NNRTI) like Viramune. It is not particularly food sensitive (but you should avoid taking with a high fat meal). Since the DDI is an empty stomach med. I will be taking it on an empty stomach.
You may remember I found about dizziness and light headedness and impaired concentration - He told me about the nightmares. Stated thus "Fifty-two percent of patients receiving SUSTIVA reported central nervous system and psychiatric symptoms. These symptoms included, but were not limited to, dizziness, impaired concentration, somnolence, abnormal dreams and insomnia." It says bed time dosing helps to lower these instances - they will develop in the first couple of days of therapy and may get better with-in a couple of weeks. But it gets better ~ "There have been reports (approximately 1-2 per thousand SUSTIVA-treated patients) of delusions and inappropriate behavior, predominantly in patients with a history of mental illness or substance abuse. Severe acute depression (including suicidal ideation/attempts) has also been infrequently reported in both SUSTIVA-treated and control-treated patients."

I'm beginning to get the idea that 'they' don't care what they give us as long as it makes us miserable, all the better if it drives us crazy or even to suicide.

Not that I feel I'm at high risk for these symptoms, but I would have liked to have been warned. That is why I went in to talk to him. This leads me to one of two conclusions.
One - My Doctor is 'selling' drugs rather then prescribing them as they should be.
Two - My Doctor doesn't know what he is prescribing.
Both options bother me.

In a leap of trust, I took the remains of my old meds to TAP and donated them the day I picked up the new ones. Once I found out about all this I had the option to not take them (or anything), or just take them. Well, Last night I had eaten before I knew about the 'no eat' for DDI, thus for the rest of the regiment. So, I didn't take anything last night and waited for today. I may doubt my Doctor, but I still trust him (sounds weird, I know) so I have taken them in good faith. Once the side effects begin to show (or not show) will determine how long and loud I yell at him. The rest will be on principal alone.

On a brighter note. Jen and I skipped the fifty cent movie in favor of seeing 'Practical Magic' last night. We both liked it. I think it is a good story with the best nod to the craft of Wicca yet seen in Hollywood. There was the blatant Hollywood 'magic', but I think it was done well enough that even the most hard core Witch would recognize dramatic license.
Dropped off two articles and some cartoons for a newsletter that is trying to get off the ground. While I was at the bar dropping it off I was told I would a fit conversationalist if I chose to stay (meaning this rather cute guy and his friend would consider talking to me rather then the rest of the drunks lining the bar that night). It was a nice compliment, and I told him I was flattered, but I had only gotten four hours of sleep - time for the other four.
Stopped at the park to say a blessing to the water. Wondered if the car sitting there was someone that had been arrested (Did I mention that I walked in on officers arresting a man the other day? I got a bright light shined in my face, but they didn't even talk to me other then to say 'Hi' as I said "Good evening" in response to the light. After they left there were two cars left there all night. So I assume they arrested two men all together. They seemed civil - so I wasn't mad. But as the night went on I got madder. After all society creates the loneliness many of us have to hide in - then entrap and prey on us when we try to fight our way out.)
At work today I worried about what would happen if I took these drugs. Got tired of trying to second guess it. Took the meds. So far, nothing. Not even a headache or droopy eyes (and I am getting ready for bed and I'm having pasta and milk - I should be sleepy). Oh, well. Eyes open, I'm ready for the worst.

9810.23

So much to cover in so short a time. I'm writing before work - that's why its so short a time.

I had 'abnormal dreams' the night I took the Sustiva for the first time. I dreamed I was being chased by a bunch of people in Halloween costumes. Everytime I tried to unmask them they had another costume on underneath. I just kept running and running - I kept thinking I couldn't run any more then I would run more. It was even more difficult to run because I was wearing these funny spade shaped shoes (take the spade from a card deck and turn the tail down to form a high heel and imagine the rest was open and only your toes fit in the very tip. Those where the shoes I was running in). I remember I finally got fed up when they sent this weird gold thing after me. It float in the air and changed shape as it dove past me and tried to keep me running.
"Oh, this is just too much." I said aloud in the dream. My legs were like spaghetti at this point. I kicked off the shoes, turned around and hit the gold thing. It didn't really effect it (it just changed shape around me and kept flying around) but it shocked the other guys chasing me. They all then rushed up and asked if I was okay. The whole time I kept pulling off masks and costumes (wondering who these people where) only to find another underneath. I told them I wasn't going to run any more - they could just do whatever they wanted to do to me. They where surprised.
"We just want to chase you." they said. They pulled back and talked amongst themselves then yelled, "REGROUP!" and went away. I followed them.
Some weird puzzle/maze like house with missing walls and strange doors. I listened to them talk about how to make me run again. The whole time that gold shape just flying around me, that I ignored. I decided I wasn't going to run any more.

Woke up. I was victorious. Turned the nightmare to my advantage. Don't fuck with a dream king.

I was in a fantastic mood all day. No particular reason either - that made it just that much better.

After work I took Brian (T) to the airport in KC. I got home around 5:30pm and kind of collapsed into bed. Again odd dreams. Something about my cousin having a nervous break down in poetry class after we all learned that Fred Phelps had died. I helped to calm him down. That's all I really remember about the dream. Weird, but not a nightmare. In fact I still kind of think maybe I really heard the news of Fred. I guess I'll just have to watch the news for a couple of days ~ maybe he's really close. Psychic impressions or something.

Today, is my bankruptcy hearing with the Trustee. I'm starting to feel nervous. At least it will all be over today. It's at 9:30am. I've already worked out with my boss being able to just leave work then come back when its over and catch up. Could be a bit of a long day - especially since I have things planed after that.
Halloween shopping. Possible car repair. Movie with Dave at Gage (regular $1.25 ~ not fifty cents but still pretty good). Have to fill out my lagging medical paper work in the next couple of days or I'll be in my own hot water. ... I have an hour before work, I'm done with 'breakfast', maybe I'll just do that now.

9810.25

Used the extra hour to party at the bars longer. People have begun to talk to me again. Don't know what I'm doing different but I like it.
Computer is still giving me fits. Now it will sometimes open my e-mail program but won't read certain letters. I have to close it down and come back later after it's 'rested'.
The Bankruptcy hearing was very simple and short. No one showed up to argue for my money. None of my personal belongings came into question (the lawyer thought my small comic book collection might). He asked about my 401K holdings, my lawyer answered the questions since I really didn't know the answers. Then he said, "Okay. I have no further questions." Ruth then motioned for me to get up, and we went out into the hall and she told me that was it. I'm done and she will send me a bill, any questions or problems give her a call.
Even with this, money just doesn't seem to stretch as far as it should.
I was a complete failure looking for my Halloween stuff. I forgot to return the movies I rented as a 'consolation prize' for my days efforts. I really need to go return them and pay the late charges, then continue my search. So little time left.
The weird dreams continue. I'm actually liking it. Again not nightmares. Just weird and a bit more disjoined then usual. Vampires making some kind of bets over shot glasses of blood last night. Part of the bar was draped off for them too.
I also am feeling quite dizzy at times. Not like the room is spinning, but that if I make a sudden move the rest of the world doesn't move with me. Caught myself stumbling more then once, fell once also. Don't worry - I'm being careful. Symptoms should dissipate after a few weeks.
Btw' I keep wondering - when you are like me right now, how are you supposed to take a medication 'before bedtime' I haven't gone to bed the same time even once this week. Day or night, I'm all screwed up. I sleep when I can, not when I'm supposed to.
Even before I've really gotten permission. Here is a page that I think embodies the meaning of the replies to my invitations.
Can't really think of anything else important to say - wait, one more thing.

It was Saturday morning at work. I was walking my Bread vendor out the back door as we talked a bit. My back was to the building, as we walked out into a sprinkle of rain I looked over my left shoulder to the south and my Vendor and I both said,
"Wow!"
The rising sun caught the gray clouds almost on fire. Dark violet streaks with a dark red orange bellies. These streaks ran to the West leading the eye to a horizon of dark silhouetted trees where a huge, solid rainbow rose from the ground and arched through the sky to the North. There the clouds began to dissipate and the rainbow faded into the morning blue sky. The vendor (who oddly enough works for Rainbo bread) got in his truck and left. I ran back inside and yelled for my Boss to come quickly, and motioned for the Dairy manager behind him to come also. Then ran back outside.
"Oh, Cool!" My manager said as he came out the back door. I pointed out the pink-ish orange clouds to the south that lead to the rainbow. Lead them around the chip truck to show them how the rainbow was firmly planted in the ground. Dairy manager mentioned the pot of gold that must be behind the trees on the hill.
As they left me there, I ran back in again. I found Kris, our Produce manager.
"Come here, quick!" and again ran out side. He joined me outside in a moment with a,
"What? Oh, nice day for football!"
"Look." I said pointing up at the rainbow.
"Oh, Wow! Look at that. You can see every color in it." he said with awe. I pointed out the pastel orange clouds and the way the rainbow looked like it was jumping straight off the ground. "That is sharp." he said. Called back in by the intercom we came back inside. I looked for someone else but there where no others in the back. I went back out side and watched the last of the rainbow flicker away. Fragments of it now hung in the broken clouds and the pale blue sky. The clouds now losing there glow and returning to gray.
I closed the garage door, and walked over to Kris.
"Poof!" I said, "And now its gone."
"Really?" he said looking at me.
"Yep." I said with a note of sadness.
"Wow." he said picking up his knife and some broccoli. I turned and started to go back to work.
"Bret - " he called out to get my attention. I turned, "Thanks for sharing that with me." he said with a smile.
That made the experience real all over again. I return to work knowing someone else had actually seen something wonderful with me. The whole thing only lasted about five minutes.
Brief, fleeting, beauty .... but not forgotten.

9810.29

The computer is freaking out in some major ways. Trying to open programs that I have never used, not recognizing ones that I use all the time.
Going to try and clean it out and back up some important programs that I use (like FrontPage and Word).
I hope this works. In the mean time here I sit with pen and paper.
Now that Brian (P) is gone I can get rid of some AOL dead weight in the system. Brian 'moved out' yesterday. He still has some random stuff here, and the key.
...
Looking at this back up and its progress ... I have a bad felling. I think I may just have to turn it off (if this fails) and wait until I have the money to fix it. Change Disk ... check mac 'n' cheese. Write ... I'm doing to much at once. I'll write later.
~~~~~
This isn't working. Dead Bunnies and Ducks on the screen. Odd messages and programs. Safe mod won't let me get to the modem. Got to try and cut down the files I'm trying to back up.
One last try then off to pumpkin hunt.
... I think this one will work. Only 106 files to back up (45,153 Kilobytes) this should fit and miss the errors I ran into before.
~~
Failed again. I may just have to start from scratch after this. Live and Learn.
! Pumpkin Hunt!

9810.31

There was me, your humble narrator, Alex. Years after my adventure with the Clockwork Orange I return, O my brothers, to relate a horrorshow tale of a new Clockwork. Haven't made my rassoodock up to a shade, but a clockwork it is. Gears that grind the gulliver and ringy up the rookers in maddening frustration. Glazzies all glassy like you viddy the illusions of the world and hard press them shut as you slooshy the talk of dim malchicks and glean the rassoodock pressing down red impulses to tolchock the veck in his blurberling rot with a tick, rooker ringy, tick.

Then glazzies open wide you viddy lights bursting all over your mozg and all you slooshy is creeching from your own open drooling rot. Then like the morning ringer you're tolchock by the almighty Bog who would have a malenky bit longer in bed. In the silence you slooshy the talk and tick rooker ringy tick until it all happens again, my brothers.
Appy Polly Loggies, my little brothers. I seem to have gotten in front of myself.
I woke early though I still felt shagged and fagged and hashed from the days work at the factory. My glazzies were stuck together real horrorshow with sleepglue, but roll from bed I did with the anticipation of carving litsos on pumpkins. One I carved with a likeness of myself in younger days. The other I made a litso resembling a clock, eyes made of ten and two and a rot made of pointees to each and a triangle at twelve for character.
Slicing into the melons was real horrorshow. The new britva cut deep into the melon with rememberances of slooshying fleshy cutting music. Not really like slicing a gulliver wide, but fingers in the slime and pulling the guttiwuts put a real slice in my rot, all zoobies showing. After lighting the litzos in the windows I went for a walk to stretch the old leggy wegs and shake off the shagged and fagged out feeling in my gulliver. I walked through the Park with my rassoodock wandering away as the fall nochy air filled me lungs and I slooshy the sound of razrez tree droppings kicked and bootcrush and viddie my shadow stretch in front of me and fade as I pass under lamplights doing their best (but not good) wanna-be of clouded sun. Then my gulliver was calm as a placid lake and vacant of slovos and I found myself in the most eerie of places.
O my brothers, have you ever stood as a doddery veck in the still nochy dark of a vaugely familar play ground? Giant cement monsters pale under the luna light frozen like a poodly baboochka cornered by a team of gruppas ready for a bit of the ultra-violence and threatening the old in-out in-out. Screetchy creatures with wide open rots and sharp zoobies posing cutesies and innocent like warm fuzzy things. They stood frozen in the night, like your humble narrator, as skorry flashes back of memory surfaced in my gulliver. Brief lights bursting behind my glazzies, viddie open or shut, accompanied by horrorshow screetches and the slooshing of laughing and ptitsa goloss. Colors bright as the krovvy, rich as gourmet mounch and as misty as cancer smoke. It was a veshch of happy innocent days with young malchecks and devotchka running skorry about the concrete monsters before they gleen the terrors it should bring.
Slowly it occurred to me, O my brothers, these were not my boyhood recolections. This veshch and recall was the innocents I viddie, not the innocents I may have ever been. My gulliver felt light and my rassoodock fogged as my guttiwuts tumble at the realization. The clockwork had ground something out of me. I had no recall of my younger days. It all began after, my brothers, from nadsats droogs and the horrorshow nights that dissappear skorry before the grind of the the Orange Clockwork. Almost as if I never had any innocents or it vanished at the discovery of the flip dark nochy night and all I own are the veshch I viddie. The only innocents I had now was what the Clockwork forced on me.
I wonder back to my domie and peet of the punch plus (the plus now the nukes, prohibs and nerties the white coat emdee warders give me for the kroovy virus they tamed me with). This plus run by the clockwork and designed to contain me better then warders in Staja. The familiar queezy in my gulliver came back along with the blerping in my guttiwuts. I viddie my trembling rookers and now saw the red splotts that run up and over my whole plotts.
I sloosh no sounds in my vacant domie and skorry felt a malenky bit trapped, so off I scatted rooking my round black cravat, with what deng I had to the Korova Milkbar. The stereo was going and you were asaulted by singers goloss, moving from one part of the bar to another, flying up to the ceiling and then swooping down again and whizzing from wall to wall. Filled from top to bottom with devotchkas and chellovecks all peeting the milk. One veck with his glazzies glazed started blurbling slovos for my slooshing but like him I was in the land, an orbit all my own. I couldn't figure my return. I come back here and now, whimpering sort of, with my rot all squaring up for a boohoohoo as if to ask questions of old Bog or God. I was not put on this earth to get in touch with God. That sort of thing could sap all the strength and goodness out of a chelloveck, and I seemed a malenky bit short of goodness to spare. I felt I didn't belong in the Korova.
So I yeckated to my domie and began this narration, soon to have my passport stamped, my brothers, at sleeps frontier and the stripy shest lifted to let me through. Tomorrow proper I yearn to relive my younger days. I hope for a real horrorshow day.

~~ O my Brothers the day started early for your Humble Narrator. I set the buzzy for oh Nine three oh hours but my glazzies popped wide open at oh eight one five hours to the steady pitty patty pitty patty pitty patty of rain on the sill. I tried to lock the glazzies shut again to no avail so I moved my tollivers to the grazzy shaggy floor and raised my gulliver to the chill dry air. I had a splosh in the bath and ran the britva over my litso till it was smooth but had like a sandpaper shadow. I put kinder smells in my pits and then got dressed in the height of fashion, which these days was lose and slightly wrinkled white trousers, held up with tight narrow suspendies with silver clips and tucked neat and tight into your nogas. In the pocket was a purse for cutter with a silver watch like chain across the front to the suspendie clip. Under the suspendies I wore a white pleated jerkin (no collars) open mid-way to show the dotted wide texture of thermals. Because it was a flip chill fall bastard of a day, over these was a white wiasty jacket (still no collars) fitting close to the plotts with unused silver buttons. Me gulliver was topped with a jet black cravat, bowler style made famous by the Kubrick, and still the same old nogas - real horrorshow bloshy black boots for kicking litsos in. A few silver rings on the rookers to add some crack to your tolcheck and a black gentleman's stick for some swing and reach in the ultra-violence. Some long black liddy lashes round the right glazzie finished the fit and I then left my malenky klootch and ventured aimlessly in to the pitty-patty wet speckled world.

I visit my pee and em (different domies now since the split), each glad to viddie me and heaping on the back patties and huggy-wuggies and handing me sweets for my rot (since this is the day for trick or treaties). I called on my Droogs, but all were cornered by jobs and unable to repeat the horrorshow days. Soon I bore of the city and became frustrated by the Appy polly getty rejections. Don't misread me brothers, truly I understand the reasoning of my Droogs. Still I felt contempt at blurbleing Appy polly wolligies that left me veshching for other Droogs. I pushed the noga to the floor boards of the bright yelly flip-top and skorry noch the pitty patty until State city was surround me. There I rattled empty doors and rang empty knopka until I was lost in the City.
I yeckated back to my domie driven to met the Clockworks constraints on medies. Then again I flee to the Korova milk bar. A cowardly return to blurp-blooping drunken vecks. Starry decreps and old baboochkas mixed with vaguely familiar malchicks surround me and from their rots I slooshy the Clockwork talk. Time ticked on and the Orange embers of my youth had burned dry and dim. I could still veshch my passions but they no longer burned. All on a day celebrating the dying and the rebirth of monsters. Cold and gray like wet rain, I was the now the dancing smoke and only the memory of fire. Where did the Clockwork hide it? Or is this just the result of the spirit grind through the unstoppable gears of the Clockwork Orange? My innocents lost and forced back to memory, now the same with passion. Left only to viddie the important motions rather then to act them. Conditioned not to act, forced to remember, my radoosock ticks until fed up the glazzies pop wide open with my rot and a krovvy curdling creetch, and I try to wake Bog again - with warnings of danger to the Clockwork.

Alex Dularge

9811.01

My thanks to the work of Anthony Burgess and Stanley Kubrick from whom I have lifted and borrowed heavily for this entry and a day to watch the Clockwork and the attempt to understand the mechanisms it uses.