Recent Journal Entries
© 1997 October (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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| 9710.09 | 9710.13 | 9710.16 | 9710.17 | 9710.18 |
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| 9710.29 | 9710.30 | Case File | Conclusion | Next > |
It's official. We have Inventory (again!) on the 7th. I have already volunteered to go in on Sunday and start counting. I told those stupid kids that if it wasn't done right we would be doing it again next month.
Called Shawn Decker today to see how he was doing with his shingles (better) and crashed e-mail program (getting around it). I got a second hi-light while talking to him though. Mariana didn't have class that day. I talked to her for the first time! :) She's just as great on the phone as she is in e-mail.
I have a lot to do today at work. I have to get the dairy re-audit and put in my computer, catch up on Damaged and start working on the monthly back ups. I'll be staying late today. I guess it's a good thing I fell asleep again.
I've been working diligently in the Dark Past Journals. I think I have a system figured out and it should move along fairly quickly. Once I get those done maintenance on this site will become so much easier.
Well, can I call 'em or what?
I got to work today to find a pile of damaged in front of my door so large my boss called it a 'peninsula'. Not to mention I opened the door and found 9 boxes of damaged in my office with a note to 'write them up and hide them' (?!?) Hide them!? where do they get this from? If I write them up then the paper work goes to the office so the fact that it isn't seen here doesn't mean they don't know about it.
On top of all this is my regular work. Then I also find out that I have No boxes for damaged. I call around the city to the other stores. Finally I find one (all the way across town) that has 4. Well, that will at least get me done with the outdated materials I found. Basically the long and the short of this was that I stayed there until 3:00 today. Home and in bed by 4:00 but wide awake for no good reason by 9:00 (AAAAARGH!) As always, one good thing comes out of this - I don't have the hours to stay late again this week. I have to leave on time.
One cool thing that did happen. When I was at the other store a voice called out my name. I thought "Who here knows me?" Turns out it was their head Book-keeper. Her boyfriend is the manger of another store and our old Assistant Manager. We stopped and talked for a moment. She asked what I was doing there (I told her) and asked if I was going to drop by for Halloween so she could see what I was going to be (sure!:).
Throughout all the harrowing pain and torture that was my day I still had fun joking around with Tammy to the point where I thought I might get myself slapped. (I really can't go into details but lets just say, she told me to much, and I wouldn't let her live it down, and the comments where semi-sexual in nature). The best part about it is that it stayed between us. She or I would make a joke or something and someone would walk by with a (?) look and we had the best time NOT telling them what the hell was going on (kind of like I'm doing here ;).
Got a call from Brian (C.) asking me where the hell I'd been the last 3 to 4 weeks (I had no idea it had actually been that long since I had been over there). So I caught up with him a bit on the phone and promised to go over sometime next week (after inventory) and see everyone. Tish was evidently a bit under the weather, so I told Brian to tell her to get better or I'd have to come over and 'Pink Blanket' her *L*
Well, I think I'm going to set up another page in the Dark Past then lay down for a nap before work.
Just a bit of an update for now (the fact that I'm not going anywhere or doing anything makes it a bit difficult to write).
I've been getting a bit creative with the cooking here lately (Hey, I have to have an outlet). I've been playing with rice lately. I never made rice before because I thought it was a hassle. Don't know what gave me that idea - it's easy. But after a while rice gets a little bland. So I started trying to think up ways to 'spice' it up a bit. Then I asked Ray if he had any ideas (since he was raised in Japan I figured he'd have a few ideas - I was right). He pointed out that rice basically soaks up anything it's cooked with. Don't use water. Use chicken broth (I had already done a variation on that but broth works better) or beef broth, or ... Orange Juice? I have to admit this idea I have not yet tried but it really intrigues me. I started to talk to him more about it and I came up with some other ideas like Grape Juice or Apple Juice. He hadn't tried them but didn't see why it wouldn't work. So, I'm getting ready to try that (for anyone else thinking about this - he said the secrete is not to bring it to a boil but just barely a simmer. Otherwise the sugar will have some weird chemical reaction and it will taste like crap).
However, I did use chicken broth for some rice the other day. Unfortunately I had to make a ton of it to match the amount of broth I had. Then something else Ray said stood out to me. "Make to much and store it in the refrigerator. The water will equal out and you can fry it. Cook anything you want in a skillet and then add the rice." He also noted that this is stir fry - not simmer fry so I have to stir it, but it isn't 'tornado fry' meaning not to stir it to much. Anyway, I stored what I couldn't eat in the refrigerator and today I bought some small cuts of chicken (I thought about beef but I used chicken broth, I figured I shouldn't try mixing flavors yet). So, I then began the process of trying to remember how cook chicken. (Here's the thing. I love to cook, when there are other people around - then there aren't left-overs, and you have a second opinion. I haven't had anyone else around in a long time. So I have been reduced to microwave dinners and sandwiches.) I put the chicken in the skillet and turned the heat up really low (I didn't want to burn it right off the bat). Then I started some Ramen noodles (chicken - I'm in a theme here). Soon I noticed smoke. !!YIKES!! I turned the heat down even more and started trying to scrap the chicken off the pan. I need some kind of lubricant - oil (I don't have any) - or .... Noodle water. Saved the chicken with chicken broth basically. Got the chicken to cook up very nicely. Started to add the rice. It was sticking also so I added a bit more broth. Then I had a pot full of noodles. Hmmm. So I added them.
Well, It tastes great. But, the little bit of rice I thought I might get rid of turned into a huge amount of stir-fry that I'll be eating for days. Live and learn.
Next, the weather changes here have brought on the dreaded 'bloody nose' syndrome. Something else to annoy me along with the chapped lips and the neuropathy. Speaking of which, it seems to be getting better. That's both good and bad I find out. Now that my toes aren't as numb I realized just how painful my ingrown toes are. I guess I'll call the Toe Doc on Monday and schedule that operation and get that out of the way.
Slept ALL night tonight. Got to bed at 3pm. Woke up at 7pm for meds. Woke up at 11pm for meds. and to wake up but just didn't feel like it. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. I went back to bed had great dreams until 3am when I woke up for meds. and started to get ready for work at 6am. Made spicy foods, and took my vitamins because I want to stay up late today and sleep the majority of the night because Sunday ... I volunteered to go in and start counting tops for inventory. I want as much of that Sunday time as possible. Two reasons. A) I need the money. B) If I can count all the tops this time instead of having those kids that can't add do it, maybe we won't be doing this again next month. So, If I can, I'll go in at 6 or 7am take a lunch and leave around 7pm (or 8pm even) have Sunday dinner with the gang and then sleep before going in Monday morning at 6am.
Oh, so much for leaving on time the rest of the week. Had a huge mess to clean up today and stayed late. Figured my time card before I left. I only have 5 hours left on a 6 hour shift and I doubt I'll get out on time today unless my boss wants to do everything I have to do (Hahahaha). So, more overtime it would seem. I'm back to the days of being in Management. 60 hour weeks. You know I figured that's why I'm in such a financial bind now. It just took over a year for it to catch up to me. I not only lost hours (nearly 20 or more) I lost Sunday time (Time and a half - the only thing I usually DON'T get now) and a room mate that was paying part of the rent. Now the service charges and things have finally multiplied to the point that it's costing me money not to have money (go figure). But I can still get out of this. I'm making progress.
Eeek! Time for work.
----------Later that day----
That was a real Eeek! I'll be late. So I didn't actually post this yet. My Boss discovered my time
card situation as it became over time and desperately called me on the intercom "You're leaving
right now, right!?!" much to his dismay the answer was "I'm trying but I still have vendors coming in
the door." I was told to lock the doors and get out. So, only 20 minutes of overtime instead of an
hour. I still have tomorrow though.
My Dad came to see me at work so I got to talk to him for a while. Had lunch with Mom like always. Now I think I'm going to vacuum my apartment (since I'm up and it isn't the middle of the night to bother the rest of the neighbors).
So much to tell.
Lets start with sweeping the apartment. Lets just say that after we (meaning I had to call mom for help) 'roto-reuter' the length of the hose, getting rid of dust balls the size of my cat and just as old, it finally got the power up to actually clean the apartment. What an adventure that was.
Sunday - I volunteered to go in count tops for inventory. It was my goal to get them all counted. I
failed. I got them half done. But if they had been run and organized as they should have been then I
might have made it. As it was I went in at 6am (I opened the store as usual - meaning I got there
before the Assistant) - took a lunch at noon (so I could eat when I usually do - finished off the
chicken stir fry Btw) and left when Brian (T.) called me at work said,
"It's 7:40. Do you want to go to Sunday dinner with us at 8?" the answer was yes. I was ready to
eat and got to bed so I could turn around and be there again at 6am today. Unfortunately they had
already made plans to eat at Molly's in Lawrence. Maybe I should rephrase that.
The mention of Molly's food made my mouth water with anticipation. But it is in Lawrence, not
Topeka. It would mean a half hour drive there, the dinner (usually at least an hour and a half with
the conversation we spread out over the meal) and the drive back. I knew it would be at least
11:00 before I was in bed. It was a do or don't do kind of deal. Brian's girlfriend was already in
Lawrence for class work and we where to met her there. Marshal volunteered to drive. I had just
enough money in the bank to cover my dinner (or so I thought) so I went.
Had a great time. The food was great. However, at the end when it came time for the bill, I put my bank card down for my part of the meal - only it was declined. :( I had nothing else with me either. Brian's Girlfriend took the cash off the table and paid with her credit card. I owe her a big favor. That was the only bad part of the night.
I got home (11:30) took my med. and crashed into the bed. Waking up for meds at 3am and then going back to sleep only to have the alarm go off at 5am to get me up for work. ...work on a Monday... before Inventory.
Okay. I survived the day getting out only one hour late. I did snap once and Tammy took care of it.
All day I kept getting called by everyone for questions about the Inventory ('When are they
coming?" "Do I put down the sale price the actual price or the cost?" "Where did you leave off?"
"What's left to count." "If I take something down off the top will that effect the numbers? (YES!-
"Well what do I do then?" RECOUNT IT!)Eeeerrr!). For the most part I was taking the attitude "I
came in for 13 hours yesterday and did all I could. I have a job to do today! I've only had 5 hours
of Sleep (and not in a row) and my feet hurt, Please, leave me alone!" Then our 3rd Manager came
into our office, set down the Norand (a portable scanner to let you know the price of objects) and
everything else and said,
"I can't do this by myself it will take me all #$%&*! day."
"Who are you talking to?" I asked since he was there the other night as I was counting. "I did half
the store all by myself."
"You had (B) with you." he said trying to catch me in a lie I think.
"Only for a couple of hours when the Norand wasn't working. You have tons of help with you
today!" I countered.
"Yeah, but you know what you're doing. I don't."
"How hard is the concept of 'Count it and write it down'!"
That's when Tammy just stopped me by asking the 3rd Manager if he would like her help. They
then went out and continued to count tops. The other highlight of the day was getting to met
Tammy's oldest son. He came to the store with Grandma so he could "See my mmOmmy!" I lead
him around the store until we found Tammy and I watched him run down the isle and tackle her :)
I then finally got out of there. I came home and then called the foot Doc and scheduled an appointment for my toes (tomorrow)- and the surgery (Saturday the 18th)- and a follow up appointment for the surgery (Monday). All in the next couple of weeks. (yippee.)
Now, I've been typing this while I eat. I just thought I'd share my 'over-work me, good time, no sleep, stress me out' cycle. Now it's Recovery time - time for bed.
Well, I survived the ... weirdest Inventory I've had the pleasure to participate in.
Okay, I've told you about all the stress leading up to it. So the day of - I walk in and the Assistant
has been there for an hour already. He was working on the freezer count - except that everything he
needed to write stuff down on was locked in my office (and he doesn't have keys). So I got him
everything that he needed and then started to open up everything for my job and started to count all
the stuff in my corner. Very soon after just about everybody showed up and started to ask "What
should I start to count?" and in utter sarcasm I said at one point to a vendor,
"-sniff- Do you smell that? That is the scent of Inventory panic."
Thing is - this is where it gets weird. That's when it stopped.
All of my vendors showed up on time and counted their materials and handed the counts into me. Usually I'm making phone calls up to the last minute and counting somebody that doesn't show up, and tracking down where they thought was the right place to put there count (Once I actually had a vendor hand it to a customer that he thought was part of the inventory crew. The customer didn't know what to do with it so they gave it to the checker. The checker didn't know what it was, so threw it away. I came around asking about it and once I described it, realized what she had done and we fished it out of the trash). No such problems this time. In fact, One vendor that missed the last three inventories was there and I actually had another vendor clean up his back-stock so efficiently that we gained half our back room back. The only close call I had was that a sales rep came in to count his stuff. He handed me the inventory (I had it in my hot little hands) and then ... I lost it! Couldn't find it anywhere! Well, that was my fault so I was getting ready to count his stuff again when the 'pull-up' guy came in to count the back stock (so much for communication between the help - but hey, it worked out to my advantage). Told him I owed him a big favor (I guess that's two now).
The inventory crew was supposed to be there at Noon. They are notoriously early. I predicted 10:30 this time. We where for the most part ready by then. In fact the Manager was scrubbing the back room just so it would look nice. They showed up at 11:50. I had just finished my corner. The weirdness didn't end there.
I was talking to my boss (the Manager) about how weird this inventory was. And he agreed and
added,
"The weirdest part about it all is that this is the first inventory that I'm confident everything was
counted right, because I know exactly who counted everything." There was an extremely low
incidence of SWAGing this time around (oh, Sophisticated Wild-Ass Guess).
So, I ran my back ups - filled out some paper work and went home. I watched a tape that Brain (T.) gave me (Worlds Finest - the new adventures of Batman and Superman - awesome stuff) and then went to the Foot Doc.
This was one of my more painful visits. Two of the toes just kind of 'erupted'. They where so tender he couldn't really get in there to do what he wanted without having to numb them which he didn't want to do if he was going to do surgery on them in about a week. So he cleared them up the best he could and told me to watch them closely. He was going to call my Doctor and talk to him about the medications he wants to give me afterward and if there is anything else he should watch for (something else I really like about this Doctor - I expect Doctors to talk to each other, but I have had to tell them to do so before. This was his idea).
I went over to talk to my Mom about being able to drive me to and from the surgery. Unfortunately
that is when my Aunt will be in town, but Mom said it would be no problem to take me. We would
do our lunch thing right afterward. (I didn't think about it until just now - I may not feel much like
lunch right after that. What a weird set of circumstances to see my Aunt during as well.) After
describing to my Mom (again) what I was going to have done I had to listen to her ask me over and
over again,
"Is this really necessary? Is it really that bad? Won't it hurt your T-Cell counts? Can you get sick
afterwards? ect....ect....ect." she worries way to much. (Btw' for those of you that are wondering.
Yes, Yes, probably, maybe. Look, it's better to have this operation and solve the problem now
forever then to keep fighting in a long drawn out infection fighting battle that will hurt my health
worse in the long run.)
Today, I will call my Doctor. I'm supposed to tell him how my toes are doing (neuropathy wise) which is a little bit better. I feel pain better now but they still feel like they are asleep, but the 'buzzing' sensation is gone. He should have my test results back so I'll let you know what they said. And I'll talk to him about the upcoming surgery as well (just in case the foot Doc hasn't called him yet).
Jeez, for a guy that thinks nothing is going on in his life I sure do have quite a bit happening. That reminds me - I should go over to Tish, Brian (C.) and Marc's tonight and see how they and the kids are doing.
Still no word from the Doctor.
Drove to work today on a flat tire. Ray called and asked if I'd like to go to lunch (I had just gotten paid and I owed him at least two lunches (not like we really keep track but I know I haven't been living up to my end of taking turns here lately) so I said yes. Left work right when I said I would and then remembered the flat tire. Had it changed in five minutes but I was now late.
We had a great time. Came home and called the Doctor again, got the nurse. Still no test results but she took down the notes on how my toes where including that I scheduled the surgery.
Decided that I would deal with the tire today so I could get some sleep and wake up soon enough to go over to Brian, Tish and Marc's. I didn't wake up until after eleven. I'll try again tomorrow - probably up later on the weekend anyway.
Put up the next set of journal entries from the Dark Past. Got to get ready for work.
------------------
Interesting story to relate. A friend of mine was training somebody one day at work and something happened which caused the immediate supervisor to come over and go 'ballistic'. My friend said that the worst part about it was the trainee knew more about what was going on then the supervisor that was yelling. My friend then went to the supervisor above the short tempered yelling man. This only caused him to yell more (in front of his own supervisor) which got him the day off and an assignment to and anger management course. First day at the anger management course the man had a heart attack and died (evidently 3 out 5 major arteries where completely clogged.)
I remembered when one of the stockers walked past me the other day. He asked 'What was up'
and I replied that I had some vendor to 'kill' for one reason or an other. He then looked at me and
asked,
"When aren't you mad?"
"When I'm at home." I replied.
However, in lou of the story above I guess I should really try to remain calm a bit more often.
I had so many plans for Sunday. Instead I fell asleep in front of the TV (off schedule) and then channel surfed all afternoon. I only got up for the call to Sunday dinner. At least I had my own money for it this time. Things are looking up.
For a Monday the 13th it wasn't to bad. I have one vendor that constantly causes me problems out of his stupidity (We've started calling him RTIQ for Room Temperature IQ)and today was no exception. He just can't grasp the concept of Credits and Charges. Today it took 9 invoices (That I saw anyway) to fix two problems. The worst part about this is that he doesn't seem to understand that I'm trying to help him. He comes in and basically try's to give me twice (or more) credit then I want. Anyway, I got through the day and that was all that count. I did only have to be there an extra 45 minutes to do it.
I went by the Doctors to check up on the blood work. My B complexes and folic acid tests where all normal. They haven't gotten the genotype profiles back yet.
Dropped by the TAP office (since I was in the area). They are getting ready to put out another
newsletter and asked if I would mind writing something else for them in addition to the cartoons. I
said no, and then she said,
"Wait before you say yes, I would need it in the next day or so." I told her I would sit down and see
what I could come up with and call her tomorrow and let her know if I have anything.
Guess its time for bed now.
The room was dark and quite. The King stood, naked, in front of a mirror. He was alone and he
didn't like what he saw. Through the gloom he squint and looked at the cold sore at the corner of
his lip that had made it's home there longer then he thought was normal. He saw the bites of the flies
from the wreath that was his crown. He wondered when his next bloody nose would be. He looked
at his shoulder and wondered what the red marks where and wondered how long they had really
been there (since the flu shot maybe?). He saw the medical tape holding a cotton ball to his elbow
and slowly grabbed hold of a corner and ripped it free of his arm. He couldn't believe they had to
do the test again. "My arm will be full of holes if they keep this up." he thought to himself. His bicep
twitch lightly from the intrusion of the needle. Even though it was gone now the muscle still rebelled.
He scratched his ass and nearly ripped off that 'wart-cousin' (he could never remember what the
Doctor called it) by accident and considered doing it on purpose. The ugly red thing looked like a
huge zit ready to explode. Looking further down he noticed that 'bruise' on his inner knee that just
never went away. It was from a rash that he found out he had given to himself - by touching himself
when he slept. Putting the cover between he and his hands and making a conscious effort not to let
his legs touch, the rash went away, all but for this dark purple spot. The King looked down to the
floor. He could feel the lumps rising from the smooth floor. He knew they didn't exist, but they made
him shift his feet looking for a flat place to stand. He looked at the cotton shoved into his toes and
thought about how ugly they looked now. How ridiculous they appeared, as if with the worst case
of toe jam in existence. He noticed how one of the cotton wads was brown and that he should
change it, again, before it gets any worse. He just has to make it to the surgery, only two days. Then
they would tear his toes open and burn them shut again. That should look great. Suddenly there was
a burning sensation and the ridge of his foot began to quiver as a sharp pain shot up to his knee. The
King let out a shout and hopped back to fall into a chair next to his clothes. He sat there moaning
like an old man and just watched his foot twitch in the dark. "Damn, neuropathy" he thought "And
this means it's getting better?" he mused. Being alone brought out the worst in him.
"Sugar, are you all right?" a voice whispered into the dark.
"Oh Gods, ... not now." I muttered under my breath.
"What?"
"I said, Go the Fuck away." I said loudly. "I'm not in the mood to talk to you." I added in a mutter.
"Is that any way to talk to me?" she said walking into the room. Her jet black leather shined in the
dusk of the room. Her heels clack on the floor with the rhythm of a clock winding down. The
chrome spikes and studs threw light about the room like an outdated disco ball. The beams hit the
walls like distant stars in the night.
"Blunt directness doesn't even work with you." I said in a voice that echoed a feeling of weariness
and age. "I thought I asked you to leave me alone. I'm not in the mood to talk to you."
"Having a bad day, Sugar?"
"You can't take a fucking hint can you?" I said, slowly I reaching down into the pile of my clothing.
My hand met up with the hilt of my sword and I drew the weapon and pointed the blade at her
advancing form. "I want you to go away ... now ... Please." She stopped and looked at the point of
the sword. She raised one eyebrow and considered the sound of my voice and the complete
lethargy of the draw. Then she winked at me and kissed the tip of the blade.
"You sound tired, Sugar."
"I am." I said bluntly. "Will you go now?" I said putting the blade on the table near me with a loud
symbol like crash.
"No." she said sitting down. "Being alone brings out the worst in you."
"I know that."
"So why do it to yourself?"
"I don't have much of a choice now. Do I?" I said with sarcasm and spite.
"Just a little bitter aren't you?" she added. I shot her a glance with one eye and rose my finger to her
face. She just smiled and said,
"Not yet." with a giggle as I rolled my eyes back into my skull and closed my eyes. "Whatever
happened to the world of infinite possibilities?" she asked.
"One by one, " I started as I sat up in the chair and leaned in to her, "I seem to have given them
away." I paused for a moment and contemplate my own words. "I'm slowing losing control over
everything I once thought I had."
"What do you mean by that?" she asked. I chuckled and slumped back into my chair.
"For some reason, I know not why, I have lost my mirth and forgone all pleasures and merriment."
"That's not quite ..."
"I don't care." I said abruptly cutting off her correction. "I have lost my mood. My optimism. I don't
know why. I don't care. I can laugh when called upon, but my soul seems empty of cheer." My foot
twitched with another sudden pain but in the presents of company I merely winced and placed my
hand over the leg to keep it from moving uncontrollably. She looked at me strangely so I continued,
"I no longer have control of my health. I wound easily, I heal slowly, and I have the aches and pains
of an old man. It disgusts me.
I've lost control of my money. I no longer have any to spare for my friends in need. I can barely
keep my head above the water. I have on several occasions felt like a mooch around my friends.
My kingdom is going to fall into ruin unless I am extremely careful.
I've had to isolate myself so I can save some money. So I can save some energy to fight. So I can
get some important work done. ...But it's starting to take its toll on me.
I've been feeling the desire for physical contact quite strongly. I'm nearly afraid of what I may do in
my desperation."
"Then leave your isolation." she said quite plainly. My hand reached out and slapped her soundly
across the face. Her head snapped back and glared at me with flames.
"You haven't been listening." I said pointing my finger into her indignation. "I can't. It's a freedom I
gave up. I felt I had to. I still do. I don't have a choice but to stay here. And I will."
"Anything else?" She asked.
"I am beginning to hate my job."
"Quit." she said bluntly.
"I can't. I am unable to exist with out a reason to get up, with out health insurance, without the
meager amount of power it allows me. Power that I have been handing away at that, it would seem.
Do you know that today, with out warning, they fired Tammy." I paused to let that sink in.
"Actually the cowards couldn't actually say that. They had to use the term 'indefinite suspension'. All
I could do was sit back and watch. There was nothing I could say, nothing I could do, ... to help
her, to console her. There was nothing.
It was a shity thing for them to do, and they did it for all the wrong reasons. I stood and watched as
the powers above me said 'That isn't right. That shouldn't be.' and then did nothing to correct it. I
felt bad that I was that powerless. I felt ashamed that the ones with the power decided to be that
powerless. I have no respect for the people above me any longer.
For 4 out of 7 years I road out the rough times because I liked the people I worked with. And
things got better. For 3 out of the 7 years I rode out the rough times because I had to. I had no
choice, I handed it away when I found out I needed the health insurance. Times got a little better,
but the spiral is downward. It doesn't go as high as it used to.
And what if I'm the next one they decide they don't want around?" I leaned back into the chair. "I've
given them so much control over me." I muttered in despair.
She sat and looked at my form in the chair. Naked and slumped over.
"So, what you're trying to say is that you are afraid." My hand covered my eyes and slowly slid
down my face, stretching my mouth out into a huge grotesque frown which ushered out a sigh. As
my hand came to rest upon my chest, nearly in whisper I replied,
"For the first time that I can remember."
"Afraid of me?" she asked. I smiled.
"No, not at all. I think of you as a great release. I cherish you more then you might know. I'm not
afraid of you. I'm afraid that I may spend the rest of my life alone in the dark. I'm afraid that I may
met up with more challenges then I have the strength to face. I'm afraid that I've lost the control I
once had and I may not get it back. I'm afraid that I'm not making the difference I thought I was. I
am plagued with doubts and questions I haven't yet found the answers to. I'm afraid I might ... not."
Her hand reached out and cradled my face like a mother would her child. She curled her bottom lip
under like a sad clown and let out a sigh of sympathy.
"Sugar," she said leaning in close, "I have no words of wisdom but these ... 'And this to shall pass.'"
and she kissed my brow. With the squeak of leather she got up and left the room without so much
as a good-bye.
Left alone again at last, I thought. The dark seemed stifling. The silence seemed heavy. I felt the need for some air. I stood up and walked across the imaginary but annoying pebbles and rocks to the window. I grasp the curtain and then remembered I was naked. If I open the window like this, I thought, then people will see. They will yell things I don't want to hear. If I don't open the window, I thought, I'll suffocate, wither away and die. As I hung on the curtain I contemplate, Can I stand to be this vulnerable? I might be lucky, and no one will be there to see me this way. Then again ...
I closed my eyes and open the curtain. I saw orange through my eyelids and turned away from the widow and it's light, never opening my eyes. Looking back into the dark I walked back into the slightly brighter room. I sat down and grabbed my sword from the table, ready to defend my position. I need my rest, thought the King.
"Cosmo, What the hell..?"
Cosmo smirked at the question, and replied, "You've read all you need recently."
I looked down to my desk.
"The secret to success is to learn to accept the impossible, to do without the indispensable, and
bear the intolerable."
-Nelson Mandela
"I am - just as you are - a unique, never-to-be repeated event in this universe. Therefore, I have -
just as you have - a unique, never-to-be repeated role in this world."
-George Sheehan
"They didn't want to see ..., although they knew they should. It would be too difficult, they'd said, to
be confronted with the reality of the situation. They didn't want to know.
But Sean believed, in a way that few of us ever get to believe anything, that knowledge is always
better than ignorance. Sean had learned to see that kindness lies at the heart of even the most
difficult truth, but ignorance is blind, and often, unknowingly cruel."
-Beverly West "Who Would Think Twice about Building a Sandcastle?"
"The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little."
-Thomas Merton
... Or to want too much I muttered to myself. I looked to Cosmo who merely winked to me and then watched.
I sat naked in my throne with my sword. I placed the blade between my feet and placed my hands over the hilt and rest my chin on the pommel. As the sun streamed in through the window and crawled across the floor toward me, I thought.
Okay, in a little less then 7 hours I'm going in for the toe surgery.
It is my understanding that what will happen is: my Mother and my Aunt will drive me there, I will be put under like in the dentists office (only I've never had to do that so I have no idea what that intales), they will cut open my toes, burn the root closed, put me back together, and let my Mother and my Aunt take me home.
I have been told by many that this "is nothing." and I have "nothing to worry about" and that "all will
be just fine."
Comforting words ... but this still bothers me and I'm not looking forward to going in. Frankly, I'm
very happy in a very childlike way that my Mommy will be there. I'm glad for my Mother that my
Aunt will be there for her.
For anyone that noticed I just put up three days now ... sorry. The last two entries where kind of personal and I considered not putting them up at all. I really was quite 'naked' for those. But I have had a lot of time to think, and I have decided that if I write it - I share it. For better or for worse.
Okay, I have to get ready for work. After work I go to the Doctor. I'll post what happens and how I feel as soon as I can.
A funny thing happened on the way to work - my mood when from abysmal to fantastic. It was as if uploading the above entries just made me feel better.
Once I was at work I was smiling and whistling. I got everything I wanted (and more) done. I figured out how to do something else I didn't know how to do on the new computers. I almost pulled off a great practical joke (A bread vendor left his truck running while he was in the store. So I got in ... figured out where reverse was (Waaaay the hell over in the non-existent passenger seat) and that the switch on the dash was the emergency brake ... Then I began to move his truck. I looked up and saw him standing at the back door looking at me with this "What the hell?!?" expression. BUSTED! So I just drove it right up to him and got out trying to whistle innocently and said "I just didn't want you to have to walk that far to your truck. You've been having a rough day.") the look on his face was still worth it.
I got out of work exactly when I wanted to. Got home, feed Doctor (my cat) and then met my Mom and my Aunt. The two of them where as hyped as I was. They have been out tearing the town up for this High School Reunion. They dropped me off and then went to run some more errands.
I was not unconscious for this operation. They 'novocained' my toes like a dentist might. They cut my circulation off at the ankles with these 'blood pressure' cuffs and again at the toe with a rubber band. The shots to numb everything was the worst part of the whole thing - and it wasn't that bad. I felt NOTHING! I still don't (But it has only been about one hour since I left). Sat there and talked to the doctor about Jazz and Big band music (turns out his father was a musician). Got me all patched up and practically had to wake me to go. I've taken a codeine so that the 'pain won't wake you up later' and I've just eaten my lunch and am getting ready to go to bed.
Oh, the best part! Getting picked up by my Mom and my Aunt. I'm getting in the car rolling my eyes as my Mom is thanking the Doctor for "Taking such good care of my little baby." Then I thought we would have to go and get my prescriptions but they had already done it. They even got me some new socks and cards. MY MOTHER gave me a card with HALF NAKED MEN on it! (good looking ones at that! Three long haired muscular 'Fabio' like men) and inside it read "You know, sometimes hairy, hulking creatures aren't all that scary ... Happy Halloween". :D I was then dropped off at home and given my lunch (Sloppy Joes - which I'm afraid is now all over this keyboard) and they said they would come by and check on me tonight after the reunion party (around 12:30 - I'll get to sleep uninterrupted).
Tomorrow after my shower I get to change the dressing and actually 'see the damage'. By then the pain meds will have warn off so maybe I won't be in such a great mood then. Then again, it looks like I got myself all worked up over nothing - maybe it will continue to be that way.
Off to bed as ordered. L8TR
Okay, one more quick update before I go off to bed and then start focusing on my Halloween costume for a while (It's coming up quick and I've done very little to get ready other then find all the pieces - I still have to put them together).
As I was getting ready for my toe 'surgery' I was still asking questions about the procedure. I was
told by the nurse that they would cut open my toes a little and use a chemical to kill the root. I also
found it quite interesting to watch them get ready for the surgery. The layers of clothes and gloves,
the unwrapping of all the instruments ... ect. I remember the nurse taking my blood pressure (I don't
remember the numbers something like 120 over 60) and she said,
"Well, you're not very nervous are you?" To which I replied,
"Oh, Yes I am." as she was taking my pulse.
"Well, your pulse is up there a bit but it's still normal."
"That I can fix." and I took a deep breath and exhale slowly and tried to relax. I heard her say
'wow' but not much more.
I concentrate on focusing a small red dot in my mind, I never really got it but the effort kept me
busy. That was all that was really necessary. Like I said before the shots hurt but the rest was a
breeze. I got my after care instructions and then went home.
Today, I took my shower with the gauze on (like I was told) and then changed the dressings to band-aids after wards. Got to 'view the damage'. I was really amazed. There wasn't any. No cuts, no 'burns' like I thought there might be. Just a lot of groody mess (most of which was a gel he put in there which is alot like caulking). The pain isn't that bad. I've already started to taper off my use of the codeine. I'm walking around just the same as I have been and I am not some drugged out Zombie like I thought I could be. This is a walk in the park (something I plan to do in about a week just because I haven't in a long time).
Sorry if I scared a few people, but this is just one more instance of one's own fears being your worst enemy. Of course there is the argument that if you make it out worse then it is then you will be pleased with how well it actually goes.
Ooops! Bloody nose, hold on.
Okay, I hate this dry weather change. It really screws me up.
Tonight my friend Jen from Texas should be here for Sunday dinner. I'll probably write something Monday or Tuesday just to keep you updated then I may be a bit spotty until after Halloween.
I've just woken up. So It's pretty early on Tuesday.
Sunday night. My Friend Jennifer from Texas was here. It was so great to see her again. She came
over about 7ish (PM) and we talked for about an hour waiting for the Sunday Dinner crew to call us.
I finally put out a page to get them to hurry up (Because I was hungry and wanted Jen to met my
friends here). Finally Brian called, but he was at work! He had to close that night and had forgotten
about it. He also told me that his girlfriend was tired and studying and wasn't going to make it. He
figured Marshal wouldn't make it because two out of the four of us wouldn't be there. I was a tad
miffed that they all forgot I was having company in from out of town that I wanted them to met, but
I couldn't hold any of this against them (Sunday dinner is a very lose institution and these where
some understandable oversights that normally wouldn't have caused a problem at all).
So, Jen and I decided that it would just be us. I figured we would drop in on Brian at work so he
could at least met Jen and I could razz him for being at work (and being trained to close - my old
job). Just as we were about to leave the phone rings again. It's Brian's girlfriend returning the page. I
told her that Brain had just called and explained what happened. When she realized that I had
company from out of town she said she was sorry she had forgotten that. As we talked though it
was very clear she was very unmotivated to study and I offered to quiz her at dinner. She had just
gotten out of the tub and asked if Jen would mind if she "wasn't pretty". Jen's reply was to open her
leather jacket, look down at her white shirt and blue jeans and say,
"I don't think the word pretty is in my vocabulary." (Don't believe it folks - even dressed down she's
stunning - just ask her husband)
"I Like her!" was the reply I got over the phone. She said she would call Marshal and met us in
about 20 minutes at the resteraunt. I told her we where going to drop by and bug Brian and then be
there.
So Sunday dinner went from being canceled to on in about the span of ten minutes. Does any of this phase Jen? No, this is the way it always seems to be :)
Marshal had made other plans with his girlfriend and couldn't make it so it was just the girls and I. We had a great time. Brian's girlfriend did bring her history book but we never did open it. We just talked for the two hours (and ate).
Saying goodbye later was the most awkward thing I had to do. I think it was mostly because it just didn't seem like Jen would be going back to Texas today. I didn't really want her to go, but we both needed some rest before Monday. I'm really going to miss her - all over again.
Monday - well, as far as Mondays go it wasn't to bad. I could definitely tell when my last Codeine wore off though. The highlight of the day was when the phone rang (that never happens) and it was Tammy! We talked about 20 minutes or so. I liked hearing her voice plus the fact after I hung up I kind of felt like a spy (you know, talking to someone that isn't supposed to be there anymore kind of thing). I miss her alot also. Got her phone number from her so I can call her and see how she's doing.
Went to the follow up appointment for my toes. Got it all cleaned out, received some more after care instructions, came home and went to bed.
Was going to work on the Dark Past Journals but I'm feeling tired so I may just take a nap. Then again, if I take a shower I might wake up. Decisions - decisions.
Stayed up watching TV and finding nothing but dramas. Finally found a cartoon and laughed before
going to bed (Dexter's Lab is great).
Then I found myself dreaming dramas,
Crying in my sleep,
and wanting a cartoon.
Finally I got a cartoon,
Dalmatians prancing around,
Suicide puppies with teen angst,
Not the light hearted kind I wanted.
Of course Dreams don't every really make sense, I kind of love them for that. But sometimes they make to much sense and the little oddities can seem really out of place. Like the walls -
I dreamed about people in an apartment complex. They argued all the time until they noticed all the apartments where the same and apparently once had more walls. Two of them came to the conclusion that the landlord was trying to cover up more then just his bad maintenance after the earthquake. There was a calendar on the wall. They noticed that there was a man prominently featured in many pictures in the first few months, then fading into the background in later months. He was slowly wasting away as he was ignored. He was dying of AIDS. The Apartment complex was then inspired and drawn together to rebuild the walls of the complex. To further divide themselves up and separate themselves from each other. Each group or family got to know their neighbor better as they built the walls up between them. Each family had their own story of triumph over heartache and bad times. One family dealt with abuse, another drugs, one wrestled with a loss of faith in god, another had lost a spouse to cancer, one man had lost everything he held dear and had no hope of getting anything he had back. Each told their stories as they built the walls and separate themselves more, yet growing closer together.
I remember crying in my sleep for each of the stories told. Each a drama of loss and hardship and the ability to survive it. I remember crying as they built the walls. I remember tears of joy as they all posed for a picture together to end the calendar with a prominent picture of the unknown ignored man. I remember wanting a cartoon.
I got one, but not like I wanted. 101 talking Dalmatians. Not quite puppies, not quite adults. Participating in a cult that was asking for them to sacrifice their lives by jumping from a bridge. They argued amongst themselves. The reasons why, or why not. The depression, the despair, the disillusionment, the disbelief, the defiance, the deja-vous. I remember the alarm going off as they stormed the leader in rebellion.
I woke up like any other day. I went to work. It was payday (that time from inventory added just over a $100 more to my check). I went shopping for Halloween supplies. I got my pumpkins, I got what I would need for my costume (all just under $50). I got lunch at a restaurant and brought it home. I went to bed. I didn't dream last night, too tired from the night before. I woke up and paid my bills. I still have two, but they aren't due yet. I think I can get them with what is left over from rent next paycheck. Dispensed my meds. I opened all the bottles (10 in all). Two of these, one of these, noticed one was low and called in the refill, these at 11am, these now, these in an hour. I made food. I think I'm going to start working on Sundays to make more money.
My Lemme has been talking to me, he's ready to be set free. I have much to do in the next week to get ready. My brain really isn't my own just now. It belongs to my thoughts and my worries. I'm still in there, but I'm not the primary mover. I'm deep into a problem solving state of mind.
Good news, Bad news.
I have failed the genotyping test again. There isn't enough virus in my system to grow for the test.
I went to go and see Marc, Kara, Brian and Tish last night. Tish is currently trapped in Denver with about 40 to 50 inches of snow around her. I did get to talk to her on the phone though. I had a great time talking with Marc, Kara and Brian. Marc and Kara are getting married today. It's a small private ceremony (performed by a shaman) they plan on a bigger 'family' wedding sometime next year.
On the way over there I got really cold. I thought it was just the weather. When I got there and my shivering continued I was covered in blankets. I did warm up. However later in the night my stomach started to feel bad and I just felt a bit 'blah' so I cut out on them early (got there about 9:45 and left just before 1am). Got home, shivering. Curled up on the couch and promptly fell asleep and woke up about and hour and a half later feeling worse. Took my temperature. 103.2°. Went to bed.
Woke up and remembered to set all my clocks back. Took my temp. 99.9°. Called my mom and told her not to worry but I wasn't going to work like I said so she could borrow my car if she wanted. I'm not happy about having to give up going to work. It is my only day off, but I did have things to do, and need the money. But I'm not any good to anyone sick. (Btw' I'm typing this hoping to get tired again. I slept all morning like I shouldn't have and so now I'm not tired when I should be - but the fever is gone now, and I want to keep it that way.)
I have three theories as to why I got sick. I don't really like any of them, and it's actually more likely to be a combination of the three. Those three theories - A) My antibiotic for my toes is now gone. I don't really think my toes have healed up to the point of non-infection. This bothers me in that I think I should have been healed up better by now. I see the doctor again tomorrow after work so I'll get this looked into. B) My Mom is currently voiceless with a creepy-crud thing from school. I had lunch with her as usual on Saturday after work. She didn't think she was contagious or she would have canceled all together. It was actually a really short lunch. I would hate to think I've become so 'weak' that even the most light contact with a bug leaves me sick. C) (The worst one yet) I've kind of noticed myself gaining a lower tolerance to smoke. I've never smoked, but other people smoking has never really bothered me before (In fact I don't think I've ever dated anyone that didn't smoke - with the exception of Zam). Anyway, Marc, Brian, Tish, and Kara all smoke. No big deal to me. But last night I think it started to bother me and I was feeling a bit nauseous. Could be it was just the last straw in something that was on the verge of happening to me already. However, if I am becoming sensitive to smoke, how will I ever be able to go back to the bar and dance?
Went by to see my mom today and get my laundry. As I was leaving I caught the wart on my hand on the door frame and nearly tore it off. The wart has been there as long as I can remember (I've had it removed twice it always grows back through the scar. I decided along time ago that if I leave it alone - it leaves me alone.) But now I have one more thing trying to heal on me that will probably take forever. (Btw' those red marks on my shoulder that I mentioned earlier - figured out what they are - it's where my hand rests on my arm when I sleep. Just like the one that was a rash on my leg before. I find it very annoying that now I can't even touch myself with out causing some kind of damage.)
What annoys me even more is I can't blame this on the virus. There isn't even enough for them to test. My Viral Load is still basically undetectable. My T-Cell count is steady. This is not a symptom of deteriorating health due to the virus. It's got to be because of me.
Don't know what I did to get my Karma so bent out of shape, but I'm going to have to do something about it soon.
Suddenly, from out of the blue, my opinion meant something and my help was needed.
I literally called the Governor today and voiced my opinion. It was brought to my attention that the Governor was planing to shift money out of case management for HIV/AIDS cases to put into medication programs. (Something to do with the Ryan White funds becoming depleted). Problem with that is that with no case managers how are patients to find out about or get the medications. I was also a bit shocked to find that were questionnaires out to the case managers asking them things like "With a cap on the funds to case management would you rather see A) limiting the services provided (because some help is better then no help) or B) starting no new cases." I couldn't believe that either would be considered an option. People need help. If it becomes harder to get meds. at least they would now who to go to for help. Thing is there are some State funds that could be used for the medications. There was no need to take them from the case management funds.
If anyone else locally would like to call the Governor the number I was given was 296-3232.
Then a friend of mine called me out of the blue. Hadn't heard from him in a while. But he had a problem that he didn't know how to approach. He knew a teen that was being abused at home because he was gay. He wanted to know who he could send him to for the help he needed. I have been a very lucky individual, I have a hard time believing at times that things like this happen in this day and age. But I knew that everything I feared growing up gay, was happening to someone. Otherwise, I never would have been afraid. I made two phone calls. I got a number and a name of someone that could help. I hope it all works out.
If there is anyone out there in the same (or similar) situation - Please, make phone calls, get the help you need. If you are still in school and don't know who to turn to - First stop - School counselor. That is what they are there for. If you can't get the help you need from them (and frankly I found them a little slow on the up-take here, but I was calling for a friend of a friend) hit the phone book and look up agencies that can help or are even related (they can direct you to someone better suited if it isn't what they handle - this is what I did) call friends that are closer to the issue then you might be (My friend called me thinking I might know who to call - I didn't but I had an idea) Community leaders, Church leaders, Anyone. And DON'T GIVE UP! The help is out there. Be it a friend, an agency, a counselor or what ever. You are not alone. Ask for the help - it may not be quick (I wish it was) but if you don't ask for the help you can't get it.
"Your silence will not protect you." -Audre Lorde
Procrastination is a terrible thing.
Halloween, despite the fact it's one of my favorite holidays, snuck up on me. I hadn't done any of the things I normally do to be ready. Things like have my costume ready. I had all the pieces but I hadn't put them together until yesterday. I knew it had to be done. So when I came home from work I started and told myself that I couldn't go to bed until I was done. I was really close to done when I finally got a phone call at about midnight. I lay down to talk to her and nearly fell asleep right then. I cut the conversation a bit short (I apologized for it) and then tied up a couple of loose ends and then went to bed about 12:45am. I then woke up at 3am for meds. and again at 4:15 to get ready for work and actually finish my costume. (Haven't tried it on yet but it's all together now.)
Work - what can I say... it was work. I ended up staying late (again - I've already made up almost all the hours I'll miss by not being at work tomorrow) and got everything cleaned up for my boss tomorrow (he's the one that has to cover my job now that Tammy is gone). I came home and ate and then told myself I couldn't go to bed until I was completely ready for Halloween.
That means I had to carve the pumpkins. This year I did something a little different. Instead of faces I carved designs. I carved all day and even baked the seeds. (Btw' it's about 8:00pm now as I prepare to go to bed). They turned out really nice though. I'll see if I can get a good picture of them.
It would seem that I have many people eagerly awaiting to see what I will do this year. I've all ready been asked a dozen times if I will shave my head again. I never repeat a costume (with the exception of Dracula - the first time it was done Mom was in control - I was in grade school - and she made me up all white with black eyes and made me wear my socks on the outside of my shoes to fake boots. I hated it. I did it again right in High school - used the same suit to graduate in, minus the cape). If people are expecting another radical change I think they may be disappointed. Everyone remembers the time I bleached my hair to be Brainac 5, or the time I had a purple mohawk for the Demon 'Bane'. Not many remember the stuff in-between there. I still like those costumes. I thought the make-up alone was impressive (especially the zombie), but that isn't what people remember. I guess they just like what I released those years better. I guess I just continue to take solice in the fact that i don't do this little ritual for others, i do it for asl;dk,
BIO-HAZARD: QUARANTINE
CASE FILE - 9710.31
Harry I. Vincent - Bio-Hazard containment specialist reporting.
Subject: Bret M. Turner
Date of Quarantine : 10 - 31 - 1997
Time of Quarantine : 00:00 hrs.
Reason for Quarantine : Part of the new HIV separation plans.
Notes : I forcefully entered the subjects home at 00:00 hrs. and removed
the subject from his home computer (I saved his work but did not allow him
to continue working). I took him back to his room and sedated him. I then
secured the premises and placed the Quarantine sign on the door and
displayed a Bio-Hazard pumpkin in the window (opposite the subjects own
Halloween pumpkin).
While the subject is isolated, I plan to visit the subjects place of work
and test it for signs of contamination. I also plan to visit the subjects
friends and family for the same purpose.
I will remain in my Bio-Suit for the duration of the 24 hour test
quarantine or until all the test have been run and come out clean.
A Full report of my activities will be filed upon my completion of the
tests.
Harry I. Vincent - signing out.
Final Case Report on Quarantine of Bret Turner
Harry I. Vincent reporting.
After securing the premises and sedating the subject, I cleaned the house
out of any contaminated matter (there was a lot of it). I then locked the
subject in his house and proceeded to his work.
I was surprised as I walked in the door and all the employees thought that
I was the subject. Realizing that it was Halloween and not wanting to
start a panic, I went along with the assumptions of the other employees (I
even stood in the group photo of dressed up employees). I was still able
to conduct my tests (I confiscated some candy - everything tested negative
for contamination) and was surprised at the show of support and affection
from his fellow workers.
It still being early, I had no place to go yet or others to contact. I
noticed a small tear in my containment suit so I proceeded back to the
quarantine area to check on the subject and repair my suit.
As I entered the Quarantined apartment I noticed the subjects room was now
open. As I closed the door the subject came out of the closet behind me
and knocked me unconscious with a skillet. When I awoke, I found myself
bound and gagged with the subject repairing my Bio-containment suit while
watching the movie 'Outbreak'. I received a lecture on human rights as he
put on my containment suit. The phone then rang.
The subject left the quarantined area at proximately 11:45 hrs. (I
couldn't see a working clock from my captive position) and he did not
return until 01:30 hrs. (11/01/97). He removed the Quarantine sign from
the door as he entered. He then removed my contamination suit - untied me
- and forcefully through me out of his home. He left 35¢ in my pocket.
This was just enough to make a phone call for a mobile unit to come and
pick me up.
I believe this quarantine to be a complete failure. I should also note
that I now think this quarantine was completely unnecessary.
Harry I. Vincent - out.
© 1997 October (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
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