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0601.01

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Change - New Years Resolutions

The dynamic of my Life.

New Years Resolutions:
At the party, we all went around and said one thing we wanted to do and toasted to it.
Many of the guests are unemployed at the moment and we toast to new jobs.
Our favorite of the night was "I want to use all the Cook Books I received for Christmas."
I stated, "I will skip over the obvious 'I want a boyfriend' because it doesn't work as a resolution. I want to wish upon the world and my self a greater understanding of life and with the people in that life."
We toast to Understanding.

And how is a resolution kept?
One moment at a time.
This is how you Empower Yourself to make it happen - how you enjoy each Victory of choice, and get past ONE DECISION (because it isn't a failure, or a set back. It was a moment, and it is gone now. Learn from it, and move on to the next moment.)

News:

MFIJ called me today and we talked. He received my letter, has written me one and asked me another favor in regards to mail and another inmate ... I think he might still be trying to hook me up.
Buddy called me very early in the morning to wish me a Happy New Year. I had tried to call him before wrestling began so I wouldn't bother him, he was at an Aunts house, and called me after (so it was about 1:30am - but I was still up and helping Brian and Stacy clean up a little before we all turned in).
I had a serious case of Deja Vous talking to him. It last up until he made me laugh hysterically.
"When you get the chance come on over and I'll show you the whole trailer for Underworld: Revolution on line." I said, and then began to feel as if I knew all of this conversation.
"I'll just wait." He said.
"Are you afraid to come over to my house or something?" I said kind of laughing.
"I'm not afraid of nothing!" He said, and I felt as if I had hurt his feelings.
"Except Red bikes." I replied trying to recover. Deja Vous ended when he said;
"zzZOOOOOOOMMmmmm .... what were we talking about?"
Brian C. and Tisha called me late Friday night to invite me to their New Years Party. I let them know about my plans and told them I would soon try to get over there. I just received their Christmas letter in the mail with the year update on the family. The girls have grown a lot.
'Brokeback Mountain' was an incredible film that I just was not in the frame of mind to watch. Honestly, I can't say one bad thing about this film and I highly recommend it for everyone. I would expect several Oscar nominations for this film, and I wouldn't be surprised if it wins a few of them (it does deserve it). Everyone is raving about Heath Ledgers performance (and he is one of my favorite under rated actors) but I don't think it should over shadowing Jake Gyllenhaal's performance which is equally powerful in my opinion.
- Here is the rub for me; I read a review, and was expecting this - I wasn't let down. I had to wonder the same thing; Why do gay relationships have to be portrayed tragically and with violence? Well, especially in Literature and Cinema, Violence is a tool and a metaphor which is often backed by reality. Fact of the matter is, all truly great romance tales are tragic (Romeo and Juliet - and any variation on the theme; Adam and Eve if you want to go back as far as you can with a slightly different theme; Cyreno ... the list is endless) and if you really think hard enough - it is only fairy tales that have a 'happy ending' and have the same romantic problems in the course of the relationship (Snow White, Cinderella etc.). So, I do believe this movie as the chance to stand the weight of time as a true romance - ... I guess I was looking for a fairy tale ... and they don't exist.
Backing up: I had an incredible time with Brian T. and Stacy.
I spent the afternoon in Lawrence. I got home about 3pm and then took a nap before going out again.
Greg's house was dark and quite though his car was there, so I assumed he was asleep and left a note on his car wishing him a Happy New Year.

Seriously ... it's all the same.
The Change, the Spectacular, the Inspiration ... that comes from YOU.

0601.02

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A few Simple Rules for life.

I have long lived by many short sayings and two 'poems' for lack of a better word. So I will share them here again, and discuss them shortly and visit lines from them again frequently.

Granted, some of this is easier said then done - but as long as you remember the principals and ideas ... and recognize when you are not following them, you can make changes.
Example:
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;

Probably the hardest things Kipling is telling us about.
Having your own words twisted around on you ~ watching your life's work fall apart ~ Risking everything / Losing everything and NOT complaining about it (oh, that is hard).

No one is perfect.
No one said life was easy.
This is something you LEARN. It becomes easier every time you apply it ... so apply it regularly.

Also - none of this is new. It is just said differently every generation, and with in every group.
How many times have you heard:
Stop your complaining! It's not getting anything done!
Complaining is a waste of effort. It will not change what has happened. As a complaint it will be ignored and not even change the moment, or effect the future with anything other then this negative energy.
Come up with a Solution! "This once happened to me - it wasn't fair - maybe we should try this?" <- not complaining, solving.

"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself."
This is how you learn and grow - and not kill yourself or your growth. Please remember:
"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
You are MEANT to make mistakes in order to learn. Even an artist will 'sketch' a line several times before they learn exactly where it should lie and how firm or thick the line should be. Every line, every patch of color, every bit of the PROCESS is the masterpiece.
Though you should, "Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth." You will never truly learn something until you have done it - experienced it somehow. You will want to tell others and save them the trouble of this learning process, but you will be ignored. They will experience and come back to tell you they should have listened ... but honestly, if they survived it and returned to tell you this - they heard you.

Note to myself : Stop bitching (even here) about not being listened to.
"Speak your truth quietly & clearly" and wait for those willing to listen, and respond.
"And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise" because, "If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken" ... it may not be heard.

News:

As expected, today was not that different then the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that.
My new DVD player is still giving me a few fits. I will have Greg and/or Dave look at it (both are hardware techno-geeks) if they tell me it's the DVD player I will return it under the warranty that I was to treat like gold.
I sent off the permission slip to transfer my medical records from my Doctor to Dr.'X's new office. I'll call in a week and set up an appointment.

0601.03

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Comparative religion - seeking the basic truth

"Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul."

It has always been one of my favorite things about this poem / affirmation that it says "God, whatever you conceive Him to be" because despite the sexism of defining the unknown as a "him" it does not actually discount ANYONES faithful belief, but universally recognizes that Faith is important to your soul and well being.

MFIJ is once again reading the Koran (or Quran) and asked me to look up some English translations of the daily morning and evening prayers. I have been looking on the internet with out a lot of 'sudden' success. I have also been checking book stores.

Seeking the truth is not easy. And can often lead to finding more then you started looking for.
Example: I found a book by Ex-President Jimmy Carter called "Our Endangered Values; America's Moral Crisis". I picked it up to glance at the table of contents and see if I could tell where he was going with his assertion. I found one chapter that scared me as it closely followed a chapter helping to define his own Christian Religious background, and that subtitle was about Homosexuality (Chapter 2 is; My Traditional Christian Faith. Chapters 3 through 6 address many Christian issues, Chapter 6 being; The Entwining of Church and State. Chapter 7 is; Sins of Divorce and Homosexuality). His chapters where short, so I read the entire thing. I went from being scared and possibly angry to being proud once again that I campaigned for him because I was unable to vote for him at the time. I still think he was a great president - and I can see now with several other stories in the news and this book - that he continues to do many good things.
He makes some incredibly good points about how the ideals of our Country are perfectly outlined in our Constitution and that there really is no problem in separating Church and State, that Faith and Law are not related though they may reflect each other. The chapter was about how Homosexual "Issues" are frequently improperly argued in both Faith and Law and that in his opinion (and mine) giving everyone equal civil rights under the law would strengthen our country and our moral direction - not weaken it. (He has two very good points. Fundamentalists seem to forget that these are Man's laws and are for everyone to make our society work, not to exclude anyone. As far as Law is concerned, "All men are created equal" and by law should be treated as such. Christians need to remember the teaching of "Hate the sin, love the sinner". Then even tackles the issue of HIV/AIDS and compares it to Christ and the Lepers. That being that he showed Compassion, not Hatred.)

So, I have been learning more about the Koran and Islam.
I was raised Christian (Methodist to be exact for the 'franchise') and found Paganism and Buddhism.
I am once again learning - the core of all Faith is the same. It is the details and the expression that differ ... and that is no surprise since the world is made up of people that are all the same at the core, but express their unique experiences in different ways.

"And do not uphold what you have no knowledge of. For the hearing, eyesight, and mind, all these you are responsible for." (The Message 17:37)
I like that. Speak only what you know of. You can only know through experience, and exploration.
Don't condemn a faith or belief system you do not completely understand yourself. Don't argue out of ignorance, Debate out of knowledge.
Here was the one that I really liked, because it mirrors a bit about how the Buddhist view the Universal Truths.
"And We have sent down to you the Scripture with truth, authenticating what is present of the Scripture and superseding it. So judge between them by what God has sent down, and do not follow their desires from what has come to you of the truth. For each of you We have made laws, and a structure; and had God willed, He would have made you all one nation, but He tests you with what He has given you; so strive to do good. To God you will return all of you, and He will inform you regarding that in which you dispute." (The Message 5:51)
Let me paraphrase this : We gave you rules and Laws based on the truth. It is up to YOU to determine the Truth. Had God wanted to, he would have made us all one in his kingdom, but he tests us to find, prove, uphold and teach the Truth. When you join God he will tell you how well you did.
The last part very much mirrors the Christian idiom "Judge not, lest you be judged." Judgment is only Gods privilege. It is our duty to judge only what the Truth of God is, and uphold it to the best of our ability.
"So strive to do good."

Here are two other lines that to me show the primary purpose and concern of 'Organized Faith'.
Purpose:
"This is the Scripture in which there is no doubt, a guide for the righteous." (The Message 2:2)
"a Scripture which We have sent down to you so that you may take the people out of the darkness and into the light." (The Message 14:2)
Concern:
"And the messenger said: 'My Lord, my people have deserted this Quran.'" (The Message 25:31)
- A legacy that has been prophesied in the scripture whereby the messenger's complaint against his followers is that they will abandon the very message he struggled to deliver - (this is from the preface of the translations provided by "Free Minds - Progressive Muslims")

Christ also predicted his betrayal, and the denials of his teachings.
I seem to remember a less blatant story of how Buddha also knew his teachings would be challenged and rejected ... which is why he merely says "Here are the truths - deny them if you can - and teach us if you do"

I plan to do more research in my writings to follow. I want to explore the Core beliefs of religion. Find all the similarities and the common ground that many of us are trying to deny even exists in our religions.
Once again, the point I am trying to make this year - I've said it before and I've said it often, and I have been living by it.
Check the introduction to the Journals - remember this quote?
"At every moment of our lives we should be trying to find out, not what we differ with other people, but in what we agree with them." -John Ruskin

News:

I continue to be left alone in the dark at work. I am happy and patient.
Ray and I had lunch today. It took a really good New Years weekend for tips, but he was able to make the deposit for pets and get his dog back. He twisted his ankle and isn't making trips as often as he wanted to; but it doesn't bother me at all. Basically he moved out the night he took his computer over to the new place and had it connected to the internet. It's all just a matter of getting his books and stuff. I told him to take his time.

- At this time maintenance is here with my new Dishwasher .... and half way through that line they tripped the breakers and turned off my computer and I lost about two paragraphs of writing. I asked them to warn me next time. (save sentence)
I was going to try and recreate them, but it's lost. I can't even remember where I had insert the paragraphs.
The line of thought was that Humans have a tendency to hate, so law is what makes us 'civil'. We often hate over things we can't see or prove and it is that hate that drives us apart (Romeo and Juliet - rose by any other name is just as sweet and Sci-Fi has tackled this allegory more then enough times by making the difference exaggeratedly large such as Species or as in Quantum Leap putting the label on a character that never thought he would have to wear them and live in them (race, age even gender) and I had made the comment then - Never put a label on someone else unless you are comfortable wearing it yourself. (save paragraph)
My computer not having been turned off in a long time, is now making some very odd noises.

I have now also filled out my new employment application for the new company. I have the meeting tomorrow at 5pm. I am also supposed to met with my Insurance agent at 1:30.

Late News :
I was just talking to Buddy. I felt bad that I had to break the news to him that Underworld has been pushed back by two weeks. I have him thinking about going to visit MFIJ.

Greatest Laugh of the Day :
Watching House, a doctor arguing with a Drug company about costs and moral responsibility collapses. The drug reps and chemist all run forward and order calling 911 and then one of them looks around at everyone and says,
"Isn't anyone here a Doctor?"

0601.04

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News:

Once I pay the Insurance company $180 I am all caught up on the past due and 2 months of Renters insurance.
The meeting with the new company went really well. Basically, everything is the same. I still have my vacation and my health insurance. Even the same dress code and everything. Lots of paperwork and silly videos.

I have received MFIJ's letter. This afternoon I even finally found the English translations MFIJ had asked for. I also found a lot of information in comparing religions.

I have also been finding a lot of material for a subject I wasn't planning on tackling for another month. I might just have to make these 'Lessons' a lot looser.

Greg gave me a half a ride to the meeting. He and his Dad where talking and he was really enjoying just talking to his father (and not arguing) that he lost track of time. It was no big deal to me. I was prepared to walk. We talked quite a bit for the time I had before the meeting began. He has Saturday off and we have made some very loose plans.

I have also been keeping very close tabs on my Glucose levels (especially because of the walk). I'm taking tomorrow off, but starting 3 times a day for a week, then I'll jump around a lot.

Tomorrow is payday.
I'm ... or actually I've offered, to take Buddy to lunch and then see if he wants to go and visit MFIJ. At least he admit today that the idea of visiting the county jail kind of 'bugs' him, even if he is on the other side of the glass this time.
Payday - that is the only thing that will change. We get paid weekly now. I'll have to start saving more to make the rent.

0601.05

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Communication

Honestly, it's a miracle that it happens at all. It is the hardest thing in the world to master or even become 'competent' at. The only way to even try is to practice it ALL the time. Not just saying words, connecting words to thoughts - connecting the right words to thoughts. Not just hearing words, Listening to them and trying to understand the thoughts of the other - not yours.

What makes this all the harder is that different people put different meanings into the same words.
"I love you." Can suddenly mean a hundred or more things depending on who said it, when it was said, and to whom it was said, and what value each of them puts in the words (and I mean all those words. Love isn't the only loaded word in that sentence).
It gets worse if you use emotionally charged words that automatically have a lot of different values place on it, or an idea that might have a lot of different words attached to it.

Here is an example;

Should we use the word "Allah" or "God"

In as many times as we have been on the internet or in a discussion or a chat group, we almost always run into someone who feels offended that we use the word "God" when we talk about the One and Only God (Allah in Arabic).
It  is surprising to notice that most of these Muslim brothers and/or sisters do not know that the word "Allah" is the Arabic word for the word "God".  Many of them believe that "Allah" is the name of the Muslim God. They do not realize that the word "Allah"  does not belong exclusively to the Muslims and that it has always been used before (and after) Islam by the Arabic-speaking Jews and Christians when they speak about God.
Talking to English speaking people about God using the word "Allah" is very much the same like speaking to Arabic speaking people about "Allah" using the word God.  It makes all the sense to show respect  to the people and their language by speaking to them in the language they use.
Insisting on the use of the word "Allah" which is the Arabic word for God immediately creates the illusion that "Allah" is a whole different deity than God of the whole world. It creates a god that belongs ONLY to the Muslims, and takes the universality of Islam out of it.  We found the comment sent by Abu Iman Robert Squires to be very informative and we re-produced it here.

The word "ALLAH"
A Comment by : Abu Iman Robert Squires

Assalamu Alaikum,
I would like to strongly concur with your observations about the use of the word "Allah" in English and any other language. Both from my conversion experience in America and my experience doing da'wah here in Kuwait, it is definitely 100% - without a shadow of a doubt - better to use the word "God" when making da'wah to English speaking people.
This alone is enough to open many hearts and minds since many people think that Muslims worship a different God. I've come across some Arab brothers who insist in using only the word "Allah". They somehow think that it implies Tawhid while the word "God" implies the Trinity, etc., etc.
You know, the problem with such people is not their knowledge of Arabic, but their ignorance of English. The mushriks (disbelievers) at the time of the Prophet (saws) used the word Allah, and so do Arabic-speaking Christians. The word itself in no way implies tawhid. The reason it implies tawhid to Muslims is that they're Muslims. Others use this word in ways that are nothing but shirk.
The word God implies tawhid to me because I have the Islamic concept of Him. It's all in the concept, but has nothing to do with the word itself. Also, there are statements in some da'wah pamphlets that say "all prophets since Adam used the word Allah" and that "the word Allah is exactly the same as the Aramaic word Jesus used for God".
The first statement is baseless and can be proved to be logically incorrect from the Quran. The second statement is incorrect, but the words are only similar, but NOT exactly alike. This whole trend of using "Allah" in English seems to come about rather recently.
Most of the translations and writings done back in the 1940's and 1950's used the word "God", which is a perfectly good translation of the word Allah in Arabic. M.M. Pickthall being the main exception, since he seemed to have used "Allah" in all of the translations that I've seen.
The change came, I believe, as a result of Nasserite Arab Nationalism. Many Arabs I know over here still don't know the difference between Islam and Arab Nationalism! They seem more interesting in defending their pride heritage than really spreading the message. But this is in no way limited to Arabs, I've dealt with Pakistanis, Malaysians, Turks and Afghanis that have the same hang-up.
The mentality of some of these brothers almost approaches that of the Bani Isra'il - the "our God vs. your God" mentality! By the way, I've never met an English-speaking convert to Islam (or Spanish-speaking, or French-speaking) who disagreed with me on this point. Most them went through a stage wondering why (some) Muslims insist on using Allah.
I should also add that I know a lot of Muslims that use "God" when speaking English. I find this rather common among most Egyptians that I know. In Morocco, where I visit quite frequently, the also use Dieu when they parlez francais.
Insh'allah, more Muslims will realize this and our da'wah will become more effective. This is a BIG barrier, but many Muslims don't realize it. Many come up with baseless reasons to justify it (for whatever reason). What do we converts know anyway!!! Ha! Another point before I go...some people like to try to draw exact parallels between English and Arabic words which just don't fit.
The word "ilah" in Arabic can be used for a false god or for Allah. (Like when God says (paraphrased) the "ilah" of Ibrahim", and numerous other example.) Anyone who can read the Quran should know this. However, unlike the word "god" in English, which ALWAYS implies a false god. Non-native English speakers sometimes mistakenly believe that "god" and "God" are the same English word, but they are not. They carry completely different meanings. If they doubt this, then they simply don't know how to speak the English language. And to say that the word "Allah" can only be used for the Supreme Almighty Creator is refuted by the Quran itself.
It clearly says (and I paraphrase here rather liberally) that Christians say that "Allah is Jesus". There you have it, applying "Allah" to something that isn't "Allah" right there in the Quran. You see, what people really mean to say is that you SHOULDN'T use "Allah" for anything except the Almighty Creator, but you still CAN. The same thing goes for the word God.
People can use it in the wrong way, but that doesn't make it right. The truth is that this word too should only be used for the Almighty Creator. Remember...God has sent prophets to everyone in their OWN LANGUAGE, i.e. a language that they can understand. How many more people around the world wouldn't be dying on SHIRK if many Muslims woke up and started making da'wah in a way people can understand? Well, I've spoken my peace.

Abu Iman Robert Squires

Here is another comment and response by Steven Thomas;

To: BILL H--------
From: STEVEN THOMAS

Sorry Bill, but your sources are dubious at best. Souroush for instance is a evangelical missionary associated with Jimmy Swaggart - great reliability there!
The fact is that Allah does not refer to the moon god or have associates. The linguistic breakdown of Allah is "The/Al God/Lah". That is why all Christian Arabs (monophysists, Nestorians, Orthodox, Roman, and Protestant (yes, even Mr. Shouroush) use the term Allah to refer to God the Father when they speak Arabic. Lest you wonder where I am coming from, my degrees are Biblical Arch. and Arabic language.

Try again.
Steven.

--- The Pitts <c---@cent.net> wrote:
The god of the Quran and the God of the bible are completely different. Allah being contrived from AI-Llah the moon god. Please feel free to research it yourself. As your own documentation says,.."don't mean to offend anyone."

Peace,
There is no one offended here.

God of the Arabic Bible is called "Allah". I do not think you believe that there is a god for the English Bible and another god for the Arabic Bible and a third for the Italian bible ...etc. It would be too naive.
There is ONLY one God. His name in English is God, in French: un dieu, in Italian: dio, in German: Gott, in Spanish: Dios, in Portuguese: Deus, in Arabic: Allah, and in Aramaic : alaha.
All these are no more than the names of God in different languages. To this day the Christian Arabs pray to Allah and talk about Allah.  They called Him Allah even before Islam was born and they know they were not worshipping any moon god. Those who still speak Jesus language (Aramaic/syriac) call God alaha to this day like Jesus did. Jesus did not pray to a moon god but to alaha (Allah), the One and Only God.
The Arabic Bible, use the word Allah for God. If you want any images of the Arabic Bible with the word Allah in it (for God of the Bible), please let me know.
If you want to verify it, call any Arabic church in the USA or any English speaking country and ask them what they call God in their Arabic Bible and whether they still use the word Allah in their Bible or not.
Jewish Arabs also pray to Allah and talk about Allah just like an English person talks about God.
The Origin of the name "Allah"
It seems unlikely that the name Allah comes from al-ilaah "the God", but rather from the Aramaic/Syriac alaha, meaning 'God' or 'the God'. The final 'a' in the name alaha was originally the definite article 'the' and is regularly dropped when Syriac words and names are borrowed into Arabic. Middle-eastern Christianity used 'alah' and 'alaha' frequently, and it would have often been heard.
But in the Aramaic/Syriac language there are two different 'a' vowels, one rather like the 'a' in English 'hat' and the other more like the vowel in 'ought'. In the case of 'alah', the first vowel was like 'hat' and the second like 'ought'. Arabic does not have a vowel like the one in 'ought', but it seems to have BORROWED this vowel along with the word 'alah'. If you know Arabic, then you know that the second vowel in 'allah' is unique; it occurs only in that one word in Arabic.
Scholars believe that Jesus spoke mostly Aramaic, although sometimes he spoke Hebrew and he might have spoken Greek on some occasions. If Jesus spoke Aramaic, then he referred to God using basically the same word that is used in Arabic.

From (Dr. Christoph Heger)
Newsgroups: soc.religion.islam
Subject: Re: How About That Moon God?
Date: Wed Mar 25 18:59:38 EST 1998

Greetings to all,

The theory that Allah had been the name of an old Arabic moon god (or moon goddess?) is not familiar to me and I am not in a position to accept or falsify it. The following remarks only are thought to serve further elucidation of the matter.
The ancient Greek historian Herodotos in the first volume of his historic work "Histories Apodexis", line 131-132, refers to the religion of the Persians. He writes:

"They sacrifice to the sun and the moon and the earth and the fire and the water and the winds. Only to those they sacrifice of old. In addition they learnt to sacrifice to Urania [=the Celestial one, i.e. Aphrodite; Ch.H.], too. They learnt it from the Assyrians and the Arabs. The Assyrians call Aphrodite Mylitta [Assyrian: Bilit; Ch.H.], the Arabs Alilat..."

This "Urania", indeed, in some connections appears as a moon goddess. "Alilat", of course, is to be related to the Arabic feminine form "al-ilah", a nomen unitatis which has the meaning of "the (single) deity".

The etymological derivation of "Allah" as a contraction of "al-ilah", which was maintained in numerous contributions to sri, too, is "popular" etymology and surely not historic. It would be rather strange that especially the "i" should have been disappeared due to neglect of the speakers, since the syllable "il" is the most important in "al-ilah": "il" or "el" is the semitic word for God since times immemorial.

Instead, the word "Allah", as a lot of other words, especially words of the religious sphere, was imported from the Syriac (Aramaic) language: "alaha" - with three long a-vowels -, is the Aramaic word for the (Christian) unique God. The last (long) "a" characterizes the status absolutus in the Aramaic language and was duly omitted by the Arabs like case endings in the Arabic vernacular, whereas the understanding of the first syllable of "alaha" as an article was a common misunderstanding like for instance in "al-Iskandar" from Greek "Alexandros" etc. The doubling of the "l" is irrelevant, since the doubling sign is a very late invention of Arabic orthography, centuries after Muhammad.

Kind regards,
Christoph Heger

Even some of the traditional Scholars agree on this one; see this Question and answer from a  traditional scholar

The Origin of the Word 'Allah'...
Question:

What is the derivation of "Allah"? Some scholars say it derives from al+ illah ("the God"), but many Muslim Ulema and translators of the Quran (such as Maulana Muhammad Ali) disagree with this, and say that "Allah" is whole in itself, as a proper name for the Supreme Creator. But is there any philological relationship between Allah and other Semitic terms for "God" such as Eloah (Hebrew) and Alaha (Aramaic/Syriac)?

Thank you.
Peace and blessings of Allah be with you.
Shahid M, USA

Reply:

Although a lot has been said about the philology of the word ‘Allah', however, in my opinion, the former of the two opinions noted by you seems to be closer to the correct one. A detailed discussion compiling the opinions of various scholars of the Arabic language regarding the origin of the word can be seen in “Lisaan al-Arab” under the word “Aliha” (a-l-h). In my opinion, ‘Allah' is an Arabic word meaning ‘the God'. According to the general principle of making proper nouns from common nouns in the Arabic language, the word “ilah” (common noun) has been converted to “al-ilah”, which became “Allah” due to the turgidity and the slight difficulty of pronunciation of the word “al-ilah”.
The Quran, because its prime and first addressees were the Arabs, used the word “Allah” for the Supreme Being, as that had traditionally been the word used for the Supreme Being in that language. The same had been the case in the older scriptures. Those scriptures, like the Quran, used those words for the Supreme Being, which had already in vogue in those languages, to refer to the Supreme Being.
However, there have been scholars of the Arabic language who ascribe to the opinion that “Allah” is the actual name of the Supreme Being. It is indeed important to the evidence that they have provided into account. Nevertheless, I feel that to give God a name is a requirement of us, humans. God, being the absolute being is in no need for a name.

May the Almighty guide us all to the path of His liking.

With just this one example of a miscommunication within a religious group where even the origin of the word isn't completely clear, or the debate on how it should be used ... is it any wonder that groups of different religions can't seem to agree on what their beliefs are and that they are actually common.
With just this one example of A WORD having so many meanings or concepts attached to it ... is it any wonder that communication happens at all.
But wait, there is more. Watch your brain on this one;

The Amazing Human Mind
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aodccrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dnsoe't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the hmuan mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azmanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuoht slpeling was ipmorantt

With this strange fact in line ... and the increase of 'Internet speak' with abbreviations and new symbols ... is it any wonder that we DO communicate?

News:

I received an HIV question in my e-mail. I was overjoyed. It was about Testing and the waiting periods between the tests.

I forgot to mention one of my greatest laughs yesterday. It was at that meeting. Tons of forms and things to read and sign. A missing comma stood out to me (funny to me how such a little omittion can cause such a change in meaning). In the list of things we could not be discriminated against, instead of reading "color, age, sex, religion and disability" it said we couldn't be discriminated against for our "sex religion". I went across the room in a break and showed it to (:3 who laughed and began to show it to some of the others at his table. He then looked at me and mouthed,
"What is the alter like?" and I put my hands up and began to bow, with my mouth open - as if chanting or ... giving oral sex. (:3 was really laughing then. The guy at his table that had his back turned to me looked back up at (:3 and said,
"Yeah, that's my religion!" (he's 17 and had just been talking about coming from his girlfriends - this comment had (:3 laughing more since he could see what I was doing but he couldn't.) I just shook my head no and (:3 said,
"I don't think he knows what he's getting into Bret." still laughing. Our little break was over and then we went back to filling out paperwork.
Also, he was sitting next to his employee (he runs a department in our store now) and she could see what I was doing also. When (:3 came in I made a point of telling him that 'we' (being Greg and I) bought something in his department. She knew what that was, the jokes that we had been making about it (because Greg still has a loud voice that carries) and the fact that he forgot he didn't have cash on him so I shelled out the $1.07 for it so he wouldn't have to use his bank card. - it was a pair of toy handcuffs ... for his girlfriend.
"And now - " I told him as we were leaving "You have to tell her that I bought them when you lock her up." He rolled his eyes and frowned saying,
"I'll pay you back!" I just laughed. Told him to call it even for the ride and to have fun with the joke. He promised he would
I am about 90% certain she was telling (:3 about this, because he kept laughing. It's contagious you know ... laughter that is.

MFIJ and I had a good visit despite the fact he really had to pee the whole time but wouldn't give up any of the time we had to visit in order to pee.
Buddy didn't go, or have lunch with me. We talked allot about all the reasons for it - jail is freaky to him no matter what side of the glass he is on. But this time he had some externals throw interference. The power had gone off in his house and he didn't get to sleep until 5am so he wasn't even awake for Lunch and wasn't mentally prepared to try visiting jail. He called me directly after and asked me about all of it.

0601.06

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Communication

Topics I want to cover : (just not today - time restraints)

Disclosure of information - what is to much, what isn't enough, what is important and what is irrelevant.
Truth vs. Lies ... out right or in degrees.
Listening.
Choosing your audience - and just what does that mean? - vocabulary, humor and knowledge

For the purpose of understanding : Defining a few words.
Faith
Religion
Communication
Relationship
Mindful - Moment - Meditate

News:

The flip side of news.
My cousins are in town. I just saw my Aunt for the first time in a couple of years. Her kids and their kids are coming up tomorrow. I hope I get the chance to see them all for at least a little bit.
They are here however because their grandfather (or great grandfather) is in Hospice care and dying. They honestly don't think he will make it through the weekend. I've know him almost all my life as well, and if anyone can hold on just to prove a few people wrong and wring a few more moments out of his life - he can. I haven't seen him though, and Mom said he looks pretty bad. Evidently some cancer that he has had made it to his spine and metastasized. He is on morphine and other drugs to keep him comfortable - and that is about all they can do.

Work was exciting today. Everyone that hadn't shown up in the last two days showed up today and brought in everything they could to pack us up through the Inventory tomorrow.
I was moving around all day. I got out of work about 2pm. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Next week is what concerns me - since I believe that is when I will get all my new equipment and a trainer and told to make it work.

Tonight is the premieres of all the Sci-Fi programs I have been missing terribly.
Barb has already called to make sure that I will be home and they can come by. Dave is an admitted 'Geek' so I may have him look at the DVD player set up and see if he can tell me what may be amiss.

0601.07

INVENTORY DAY

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Communication :

I got an e-mail from Scott. Some controversy between what a friend said and what other friends said to defend him over something that he posted on his site that started a bit of controversy. It kind of remind me of my last 'death whirlwind' of crap.
Some He said, you said, she said with a bit of "Didn't you really mean to say -?"
What I thought was strange: Scott posted - then the friends all began to argue ... not Scott.
I read it all (to current at the time) and posted my two cents ... and everyone knows you can't buy anything with two cents anymore.
I've said it all before:
Communication is hard ... and it can get away from you.
When you are given something (like advice, any criticism or gift) it is yours to accept or refuse. As the giver, you have no control over which it will be ... so give it - then let go (it isn't yours any more to dictate over, direct, demand of, defend or use ... if you want it, get your own).

News:

Dave looked at my DVD player, pulled all the wires out from behind and put it back together. It works now.
Sci-Fi night was great. We had chinese and rolled up characters for a brief adventure that Barb is running, before the shows began.
I also got an e-mail from Scott. Some controversy between what a friend said and what other friends said to defend him over something that he posted on his site and started a bit of controversy. It kind of remind me of my last 'death whirlwind' of crap.

0601.08

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Thread - a chain of seemingly related events:

When Barb, Dave and Melissa where over on Friday, we had chinese. That means fortune cookies.

You are loyal to your Family

Someone asked me the other day to explain how I was related to the 'cousin' whose husband was recently murdered.
I believe the term they used was "I think that is a second cousin once removed ... if that."
It doesn't matter, nor does it matter that I haven't seen her for years at a time since we have been out of school. I grew up with her because my Mom and her Mom (cousins) where close and grew up together. She is family. I have a blood line that I can point to, but it means nothing more then family relations - because the same could happen to a friend and I would care just the same.
(and here is that blood line - My Great Grandmother had three children. One was my Grandmother, a different one was Her Grandmother. Her son, by the way, is the father of my Dentist. I think you can figure the rest from there).
Back to the same happening to a friend. I was talking on line to someone that I new back in College ... he went to high school with her husband.
Six degrees of separation between anyone in the world and your self. Seriously ... it's a small world.

Similarly: I mentioned all my Texas cousins were coming into town ("They are here however because their grandfather (or great grandfather) is in Hospice care and dying.").
I was once again asked to explain the family relationship. This time the answer was "So he really isn't related to you?"
Yes, he is ... by law perhaps not any more.
My Aunt married his son and had my cousins. They divorced many years ago (just prior to my parents getting divorced I believe). He is still the grandfather of my cousins.
He died at 6am yesterday morning. My cousins didn't make it in time to see him. They didn't stay either.
... that sounds crass and careless to me, but that is the information that I have. I am SURE there is more information to it then that ~ examples being that there isn't a lot they could have done here and everyone does have jobs and school to get back to.
My Mom is helping my Aunt. My Aunt is doing what she can to help out in the arrangements but it is mostly up to her Ex-husband and family to do.

Lesson : All I can do right now is feel what is in me to feel about these events (and I do have a lot of feelings about them) and move on with my life ... and just be available enough to do anything if anyone asks something of me that I can do.

News:

Greg came by work and we went over to my Mom's for lunch and then went to see "Grandma's Boy" ... yes it was dumb, and we laughed our asses off. Not as great as "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" for some 'intelligent' drug humor, but it was really funny. I told my Brother I was getting ready to see it, and he said
"You know exactly what you are getting as soon as you walk in the theater." And he was right. And I have an example.
There is a joke that I don't want to ruin; but it was so obviously about to happen that the 8 of us in the Theater all said the same thing before it happened, and then laughed our asses off as it did - it was almost a spontaneous"Rocky Horror" moment.

*K and I are still trying to met up for an afternoon. It might happen today. I just sent him a list of all the movies in town in response to his e-mail about plans for this weekend.

0601.09

KNOWLEDGE =

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For the purpose of understanding: Defining a few words. (from my perspective)

Faith -
The belief in something more then yourself. Something that you can not define or prove to everyone.
It can be nothing more then a feeling you can not explain but you know exists because you feel it. Proving a feeling is nearly impossible - you know it, others have to have faith in it.
Having Faith means that you actively nurture these feelings and find ways to prove them to yourself (and occasionally to others), causing the feeling or the Faith to grow.
NOTE: Faith generally implies a POSITIVE emotion and SUPPORT drawn from it when needed - but this definition does allow for the acceptance and discussion of a NEGATIVE faith.

Religion -
A set of rules and regulations for the expression of your faith. Generally these rules and regulations are shared by a number of people with similar feelings of faith.

Communication -
The exchange of information between one or more beings.
I used the word “beings” because you can communicate with an animal and I don't want to rule out the possibility of communication with God or any other unknown race.

Relationship -
The existence of any number or magnitude of connections or bonds between one or more beings, things or concepts.
I use the words, “Beings, things or concepts” because you can have a relationship with inanimate objects such as ground, air, weather, environment and possessions. And you can also have a relationship between a concept such as God, Faith, Science and possession.

I realize this definition excludes ever claiming there is NO relationship, but that is the point. There is always a relationship, you much define and clarify what that relationship IS. This must be done before you can understand an existing relationship or search for a relationship you want or need.
Is it Cognitive? Do you know of the other being, thing or concept?
Is it Emotional? Do you feel something about the other being, thing or concept? (hate or love … even indifference)
Is it Physical? Does it affect your body in some way?
Is it more then one of these things?

Mindful -
Generally a Buddhist concept that is applied to an awareness or observation of the energy and environment around and within you.

Moment -
A very lose and hard to define (thus often ‘misused') term to denote your current, yet ever changing position in time.
More then a definable length or duration of measurable time, it relates more to the emotional feeling(s) of the present and what you do with the information and feelings you have. A moment does not exclude the past or a progression of consequences into the future, it embraces them, but asks that you work from the present rather then hold onto the past that is nothing more then an experience or information in your present, or plan actions into a future you can not (by definition) predict.

Meditate -
A process of altered perception that can be achieved in a number of ways, which also denotes a desire for self exploration and understanding that, will in turn, affect your external world.
Linked to this is:
Pray or Prayer - the only difference in the definition being an implied link to Faith or God (a higher power).

News:

K* and I did get together yesterday and saw "Memoirs of a Geisha". It was a fantastic movie, and I had a good time talking to K* about a little bit of everything.
At the Theater I ran into Marc's sister ... and his Mother, is wife, and bunch of family friends that I have seen or met maybe once. Evidently Marc is now a Police Officer.
"How odd that he has become a police officer about the same time my best friend went to jail." I said.
"Well, if he's in jail, then he isn't your best friend." His mother said.
"No ... " I said thinking about it, "He's my best friend."
"If he was really your best friend, you would be in jail with him." She replied.
"One of the reasons he is my Best Friend is because he knew I didn't like those choices, and didn't do them around me. I go to the jail every week for a visit and I write him."
"Well, that's because you are a good friend, but a best friend would have kept him from jail." She said. The joke circulated about a 'best friend' will help you hide the bodies. Frankly, for just running into them in the hallway of the Theater, I wasn't about to sit down and explain everything I have done for MFIJ or everything he had done for me. I basically told them all to tell Marc Hello for me and that I needed to get K* back home now.
I apologized to K* for not making introductions - but I only knew about half of the names ... and I didn't want to deal with any more assumptions.

I called Scott today and we talked on his way home. He called me back after he had done a few things at home.
When he called back, I was watching 'Bent'. He asked if he had woke me. I said no, I had just been past a very sad scene in the movie and I had been crying.
"Okay ... Time to be HAPPY now!" he said in a bad Asian accent. I lost it. The movie froze up anyway. Last scene of the movie as well. Bites.
The quote that stands out this time;
"I saw it happening out there. People making pain and calling it Love. I don't want to be like that. Why can't you be gentle?"
"I don't know how."
"Try."

0601.10

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What an interesting day

I had no idea it would spiral down like this ... but BOY! What a ride

Honestly, this isn't sarcasm. Some how I had the ability to just sit back and watch all of this happen. All most like an observer instead of a particapant.

Lets start with work.
My trainer finally showed up. She found out she was going to be training me yesterday. She didn't even know which store, or where she was staying until about 8pm last night.
She was misinformed and just a little bit upset. She was told (and actually so was I) that my computers and equipment was already going to be there. It isn't. That all arrives tonight. Our store is actually going to be closing early because of all the changes they are going to be making overnight in preparations for business tomorrow.
"You mean in a few days ... " My trainer said.
"No, I was told tomorrow. Just an overnight change."
She was getting a little upset that she had nothing to train with. That we hadn't been told about any of the changes to be made - let alone that the changes we HAD been told about where not the SAME things she had been told about.

The way I looked at it - She was my boss. I do what I am told until I am told to work on my own.
She told me to throw it away, I did. She told me to do it, I did.
I tried to find all the common ground I could. Once again, I was noticing the core principals of the job are the same. I am about invoicing and inventory with Back Room Control.
I am no longer DSD (Direct Store Delivery). I am now ICC (Inventory Control Clerk).
I will now just pay attention to the details they want me to, not the ones I had kept track of.
The only thing that is bothering me at this point is that I will now be in charge of a lot of things that I have never been in control of before. I will once again have to try and force things to happen when I am not there (unloading trucks has a set of procedures and paper work that must be filled out - I have yet to be able to get any of the evening managers to follow through on the ones WE wanted, these guys want 10 times more).

I had my cell phone ring twice while I was at work. I am not supposed to have a cell at work. No one calls me on my cell at work except wrong numbers that if I hear the phone try to answer in order to keep them from calling again. The first one was a Lawyer asking for permission to talk to my Mother about my finances. That was my Mom trying to help me out with the bills that have gone to Lawyers as debt collectors. Since when have any of those blood suckers cared at all anything about my well being or my privacy and almost turn down getting the money they want ... I don't know. I said he could tell my mother anything.
Then my Mother called me, just as I had about 3 vendors in the area, with my Corperate trainer and my Manager calling for me on the intercom. I told her to stop talking, make a list and I would go over everything with her at 3 after my Therapist appointment. I apologized later to her for being so short and abrupt on the phone with her, and explained why, and how to avoid it in the future.

Mom kept giveing me the lecture about how these bills should have been paid long ago and it's the courts that are tacking on so much and then she started asking for more of my bills.
"Stop." I said after she cut me off about three times.
"What?" she asked.
"Thank you. But -" and she started to tell me that it wasn't a problem, but it had to be taken care of right now.
"Stop." I said again. She just looked at me. "Like I was saying ... Thank you. I really appreciate you helping me with these bills. I understand how and why they got out of control - "
"But - " She said and I put up my hand and she stopped.
"Thank you for letting me finish, Mom. I understand how and why they got out of control. I feel as if you are lecturing me like a child that does not understand, but I want to assure you that I do."
"You are - "
"Mom, are you going to let me finish talking?" I asked. She sighed heavily and said yes. "I want to thank you for your help. I really do appreciate it. But I have the rest under control and if I need help again I will ask. All the rest of my bills are under control and do not have any legal actions pending or threatened. I will get them paid. Please let me know if you need any help with these in order to make the dead lines. I get paid again sometime before Saturday."
She then said she was sorry, she didn't realize she was lecturing me like a child. She knows I understand how paying bills works. She asked me once again if I was sure nothing else was going to court or a garnishment. To the best of my knowledge - she had in her hand everything of that nature. If I found out anything different, I would let her know.

Then Scott called. He was having a really bad day.
These are his problems to relate or share as he sees fit, not for me to discuss. I just wanted to share one part of the conversation.
He was telling me about some problems his new girlfriend was having and the advice he had given her was,
"Look for the positive parts and focus on that." To keep her from worrying and becoming depressed. Then he was talking about some of his problems at work and what he felt was going to happen to him.
"Look for the Positive!" I said trying to point out other possiblities of what could happen.
"No ... I'm sorry ... I just can't take my own medicine." He said starting to laugh a little.
"Damn it man! If you can write the prescription for it, you should be able to take it also." I said and he began to laugh some more. I laughed with him. I don't think he let it all go yet, but at least he has laughed about it a little. We was going to call me again later.
All I can do from here is talk and support him, give him what little advice I have that I think will work. He still has all the decisions to make, and the consequences to live through ... and all I can continue to do is be there for him to talk to and support the decisions he makes.
It's his life, and his problems. All I can do is offer support. He has to lean on me to accept it.

.... it's like teaching a baby to walk. You can hold the baby all the time, but then the baby doesn't really learn to walk. You have to let the baby take a few steps, faulter, maybe even fall. You can help the baby back up, but it is still the Babies walk. If the baby leans, give support until it isn't needed any more. Have your hand out and follow them a little bit, singing words of encouragement "That's it! You're doing it! Way to go! Easy ... one step at a time ... That's right!"
This is not to say that who ever you are trying to help is a baby. A Coach does the same thing to a student on the balance beam ... or from the side lines of a game.
A coach can shout all the plays and advice he wants ... the player makes up his mind what happens on the field.

Your advice to give ... then you have to let go of it. You can't force acceptance or specific use of the gift ... only give it.

News:

I got a letter from MFIJ today. His other inmate freind also wrote me.
He sent the letter the day after I sent mine to him. He probably got my letter the next day. Good thing also ... I gave him some information he needed.
"The Chaplin does not have much that he could give me me to read about Islam. The christian's give me lip and tell me we don't worship the same god Allah. This [one] christian gave me this pamphlet saying that Allha was a Moon God and that Muhammad lied to create his own religion. .... I'm getting mad over all of this that the christian's say to me in here. It's like, I'm fake cause I don't know that much about the religion that I have chosen."

I put that essay I quoted above in his letter. Now he has something that he can use to show that they DO worship the same God (in principal) and that he ISN'T a Moon God.
When I go and see him, and write him, I'll remind him - he doesn't know a lot about his chosen religion YET. His knowledge will grow with his faith.

0601.11

Chaos can be Cool

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Relax

When things get to be to much, just relax. Let it wash over you and flow with it.
Easier said then done ... I know.
I spent the majority of my day keeping my trainer calm.
I find it funny this system is very close to what I began with in DSD nearly 9 or 10 years ago. There are extra steps in the process now ... just making me do the same work 3 times. I'm sure I will be able to find short cuts later, but right now ... this is going to be hell. Case in point, I just put in an 8 hour day (not counting the hour lunch) for my 6 hour day and we are not yet caught up.
The only thing that concerns me now is that my trainer is not sure if she will be with me on Saturday - or if she will be back at all Monday and beyond. Basically, I'm thrown to the wolves from there.
I like dogs ... I think I can handle it, but I don't really know what they will be expecting of me.

News:

Long day at work.
Caught up with Buddy as he was getting off from his job and gave him a ride home.
I then went shopping for shelves and couldn't find anything. I may have to just price wood or wire and consider building it all on my own.
I'm home now. I need to eat soon. Nothing is on TV and I'm going to see if my DVD record worked - if not I'll put in a film or I'll write and/or play solitaire.
Had a note on my door from Greg saying he came by and was sorry he missed me. ... me too.
I wrote MFIJ's friend in jail tonight. I might have a new penpal.

0601.12

I am year of the horse

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News:

I'm to tired to write about much more.

Work was still hellish. I haven't seen one check in transaction go smoothly from start to finish. We are still behind.

I went to see MFIJ today. He's still doing well.
A girl that had peeked in on him the last couple of times saw me in the lobby and told me to tell MFIJ 'hi'. I told her to peek in like she always does and tell him herself. She couldn't, her Mom was moved to a different floor. She said she had gotten his letter but didn't have any stamps.
I told MFIJ all of the above. He has written her twice now and she hasn't written back. He said he wasn't going to write any more until she wrote - seemed fair.
She then pissed me off two more times before the evening was done.
First was as she went running through the parking lot as I was leaving yelling;
"MFIJ's Daddy - Hey Daddy - can you give us a ride home?" (mom nearly choked on her water when I told her that).
I told her I wasn't his father, but I could give them a ride. She had told me before she only lived a few blocks away from MFIJ. the street was close ... but she wasn't.
I gave she and her sister a ride home. The sister never spoke to me; including the fact that she just whispered directions to her sister in the front seat to tell me where to go. I don't think that either of them like the fact I said they couldn't smoke in the car.
MFIJ lived in the down town area - within in a few blocks of Topeka High School. She ?Lives? or had me drop them off closer to the Washburn Campus (still not that close to it). What bothered me most about it, the directions they gave me took me on a slow leisurely drive through the down town ghetto's - within a block of where MFIJ used to live and through the neighborhood that Shawn M. used to live in when we dated and through some more residential streets where they yelled out to several people as we drove by ... and then ended up at the house ... that I could have gotten to in two turns and five minutes had I known where it was.

Then I got home and called the Pharmacy to find out if the Doctor had finally called in my Mother's prescription.
"Mom! What did you do?" I asked on the phone.
"I forgot I'm 63 instead of 36 and tried to do to much." She said.
She didn't feel good one day so she doubled up on her exercise the next day and over did it. Her back hurts her so bad she can barely walk. She was smart enough to have called into work for the next couple of days before I had to argue with her about it. However, after we called the Doctor again and got the script called in and she sent me to go and get it - I stopped in my apartment to address a letter (to MFIJ's friend in jail) so I could drop it off. I then came out of the house ... and saw my Mom going into the Manager's office.
I parked near there and wait a second. Mom then came out, and jumped about a foot when she saw me.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I was hiding from you." She said.
"You need to get back home and lay down like the Doctor told you." I said.
"I know. That's why I was hiding. I got busted." She said.
"Damn right you did, because I learned from the best." I said. She laughed. "Are you going to go home now?"
"I still think I just need to walk it off." She said.
"Mom ... "
"I'm going. Go and get my pain killer." She said and began to hobble her way home. Damn right I'll go and get that pain killer ... that should knock her out in bed and keep her there for the rest she needs.

Good news is - If I have to stay late at work, I can because she has called in to work.
Bad news is the "check gauges" light is coming on. So sometime tomorrow I need to take it in to be looked at. She and I think it just needs more radiator fluid.

Now at 6pm, I am finally home and out of my uniform. I plan to scrap together some dinner and watch 'Smallville' and 'My name is Earl' then go to bed.

0601.13

Oh My God, It's FRIDAY!!

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Mind Set

I own a Black Cat. I am immune to Friday the Thirteenth.
Or am I ? ? ?

Everything that did happen today was not about luck. I even knew it was going to be this bad before I went to work.
6am to 3:20pm ...

Everyone is coming over now. I can't write any more tonight.

0601.14

I don't know what to put here

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I don't know what to put here

Lesson : know when to give up for a little while.

News:

I was at work until 2:30. It could have been worse. One of the other stores called me to get some reassurance - unfortunately, what I had to give them was my trainer. The trainer they sent her, covered the day off of the regular reciever and really had no idea how to run that system. Even as 'untrained' as I feel; I knew more then she did.

I came home and had lunch / dinner with Mom. Her back is much better.
I then checked the movies in town. Noticed there was one that K* had mentioned he wanted to see (Tristian and Isolde), so I called to see what he was doing tomorrow - he had plans; so we went tonight.

I'm home ... I am mentally tired.
I'm about to make a list of pictures from the site for one of my Vendors that doesn't believe I ever had a mohawk let alone shaved my head for years. He also went the other extreme and guessed my age at 23 to 30. At least I wasn't his Dad.
"I would never have expected that of you." He said about my having Mohawks.
Expectations are predetermined dissapointments. *shrug*

0601.15

Refrigerator Magnets for Poetry

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Mindful is the observation - Zen is the acceptance

I woke up for my med's. I intended to just take med's and eat something for my stomach to handle all the med's with ... and go back to bed (I had been up until 1am). In my tiredness, I spilled the refrigerator magnets off the top of the Freezer as I open the door.
So there I was, on my hands and knees sifting through the words like a stroke patient trying to come up with a real sentence.

As the words came together a little, I searched harder for specific words. Sometimes you just can't find them and you end up settling on a different word ... which changes the meaning of another word so you look for more specific words again. You look at what you have, then realize it means more or less then you thought so you take out or add the words that limit the meaning, and once again everything changes.

I started with :

Broken Young boy
Ferocious Blind Drunk

But as it progressed, it wasn't about drunks or even about an impaired thinking ... just a 'stagnate' one. Eventually Drunk left the poem and was replaced with 'Pain'.
I couldn't find 'death' ... so I used 'the dead'; or 'smothered' -in- .... so I used -in- 'angry'; I couldn't find 'life' so I took off the -in- and left the sentence open.
Finally I had two full stanzas of poetry, and I was still missing one word ... so I went through all of the words again. I found a word I liked more and switched it, which changed everything in the line, but I found most of it; then realized that meant I needed another 'ing'. So I went through all the words again ... looking for 'wait' and 'ing'.
I found the 'ing' and had to settle for 'waste'. I put everything away ... and realized I had been there for 2 and half hours.

And my mom just came in, and I told her to read it, and she said it was morbid, and asked if I was in that much pain.
I said no ... I was talking about what I have observed in others.
And all I was really trying to say is that people waste so much time on trying to discover the Secret of sex, love, life and most of the time despair when they can't find it or understand it ... or worse, learn there is no secret.

so ... was I 'wasting' my time or 'waiting' for my time?

... I also add this line to the refrigerator

he live through it

News:
This remind me of a poem idea I had from last night.
This lead me to the notes I had for another poem I never started.
I went to see 'Casanova'. It was a good film, more light hearted then anything ... it brought something more back for me.
I wanted to see 'Waiting' ... but it didn't have a later show, so maybe later this week.

More:

It brought back something more for me.
I'm feeling very strange now.
Partly betrayed. Partly alone. Partly Philosophical. Partly Acceptance and Denial.

I love the male figure. I love the way it moves, the way it smells, the way it feels. I just want one next to me.
I feel desperate. I don't think I would pass up ANY opportunity if it came my way.
I think maybe I have eaten to much and my blood sugar is really high and I am prone to mood swings ... then again ...
Maybe I have just seen a Romance film, and all the lies that have been fed to me are washing back over me and I have the right to feel this way.
I went to the restaurant that Buddy works at after I found out he was working late. I just got myself some dinner. I didn't say Hi or even really try - he was busy working. I remember back in High School when I would just drive by the homes of my Friends because I just wanted to know I was near a friend. I began to wonder if I was putting more into my relationship with Buddy then what truly existed.
I have been considering doing something terrible. I won't explain - but it plays into feeling desperate, denied and alone ... and it involves taking something from my friends that I honestly have no right to have.
There was no mail today ... from either inmate.
I haven't heard from Greg recently ... and right now because of the way I feel, I want to see him, but he shouldn't be within a thousand miles of me. He should have never brought me a rose or lied to me in any way ... and I can't believe I am even thinking about that right now.
Tuesday is the memorial for my cousin's husband. Mom and I are going. I will have to let the people at work know that I will be leaving at 12 on the nose to be able to make it. I'll come back if I have to.

so ... what now? .... do these words really mean anything anyway? ...

back off Karlos ... you are not real

0601.16

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Preparation

You can't know everything. But if you know something, you can at least prepare for some of what will happen.

I'm going to my cousin's husband's Memorial tomorrow. I might very well be talking about Death.
... try not to think I'm being depressive or morbid.

News:

I'm still kind of down.
There is nothing on TV.
MFIJ called.
Buddy is supposed to call back after he has seen "Æon Flux" this afternoon.

0601.17

In Loving Memory

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Jason,

Attached are the pictures of the memorial booklet.
I'm pretty sure that Mom told you all about this, but just in case ~ any questions please write me.

Love you,
Bret

PS. The two things that stood out in the service to me:
1) It truely was a Celebration of his Life - as much laughter as there was crying.
2) In every single story they always mentioned that he was never without that smile.
And the Minister pointed out, How expensive is a smile? and how much can it effect everyone around you?

0601.18

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Just ... listen