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©May 2005 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)
The end of this month will make 9 YEARS on line. Nearly a Decade.
I am seriously considering making it the LAST. Here is my plea - make your opinion heard.

Something a little new on the table of contents.
As I was taking my meds I remembered (again) when Scott's old roommate had come up here to peirce Scotts ears.
I was in the kitchen setting my meds out. They where still up and talking and surfing the net. I don't even know what had set his room mate off, but he (jokingly) started saying that Scott needed to be punished - and asked me what we could do to punish him. I just shrugged - thier game, I was going to stay out of it. His old room mate came into the kitchen and saw all of my pills laying out.
"That's it! Bret, can Scott take all of those pills and survive?" He asked me.
"What, those?" I said pointing to my morning meds.
"Yeah, ALL of those!" He said.
"I don't see why not. I take them every morning and do just fine." I replied.
"What? ALL of those?" He said in amazment. I picked them all up with a glass of water and swallowed all 13 pills in one gulp.
(That would be : 1 Multivitamin, 2 B complex, 2 C vitamins, 1 E vitamin, 1 Combivir, 2 Reyataz, 1 Danazol, 2 Amaril, 1 Avandia, 1 Dapzone = 14 pills ... the rest of the day I take 1 Combivir, 2 more Danazol, 3 more Vitamin C, and 1 Lexapro - Grand total = 21 pills).
"Yep." I then replied as I took another drink.
"Dude, that is fucked up." and he left the kitchen.

It's the weekend ... I'm going back to bed.

==== 15:30

Slept - watched "Employee of the Month" - great film.

"Everything I am, is an illusion ... Believe me?"

I'm going to finish my late lunch with the realization that my head aches are not from sugar to high - and then go back to bed.

======= 19:30

Greg came by to see Scott.
Actually, he said he came by to see me, but I was asleep, so he tried Scott's door. Scott didn't answer. Greg mentioned that he finally checked his e-mail - and that was all.
He 'left' and I went back to bed. He knocked on Scott's window and now they are talking. Together, they don't have volume control ... now I can't sleep. Knew he came over to talk to Scott anyway. That is what he's been doing lately.
Say 'Hi' to me, talk to Scott and then tell me he had a nice visit and it was good to see me - give me a hug and leave.

I was thinking about it the other day. He really likes to go out and do things with other people. Hell, he'll even go for a walk with Scott to get 'whatever' from somewhere. Me, let's watch TV - or Go to a movie (that I pay for).
Something that requires us to do nothing, and say very little.

Fuck it.
My life is an illusion.

Hell, I feel hungry; but my blood sugar is at 203 because I had pasta before I went to bed. I shouldn't eat the rest of the night.

========== 22:45

Took off. Drove around for about a half hour then got out and walked around, then got back in the car and drove around some more.
Came home and made grilled cheese with tomato soup. I don't think Scott (or Greg) even noticed I was gone.
I'm going back to bed.
This time, I hope to remember the dream that soiled the sheets I changed yesterday. Can't believe my own sleep rips me off from the pleasure of even remembering a wet dream.

misfitlife (10:49:49 PM): going to bed now - not that you even noticed I was gone earlier
Scott (11:15:30 PM): why must you say things like that? you know it just guilt trips me. why do you want that kind of drama in the house? I came out and talked to you for a while, just nothing was going on. i didn't know if you left or where in bed... the door was half shut and the light was off so i just crept around the house with the assumption you were sleeping. if something is wrong why not just tell me what it is instead of playing this head game with me.

Because I am just lashing out at anyone around - and I hate it.

misfitlife (5:33:36 AM): So sorry for the guilt trip - thought I was stating a fact ... Look, I am tired, lonely and depressed on top of very poor and getting nowhere. I am tired of EVERYONE making promises they can't or just don't follow through on. Your major one at this point is that you won't stay up all night talking (but do) and will find a job, any job, so you can have structure and money. I am not saying that you are not looking - but I don't see much of it, or any of the money that I have lent you to pay phone bills and such. Twice even you have offered to buy food when I'm eating or can't eat - and then never follow through on 'doing it later' ... there isn't meant to be guilt in this - but I don't know how to say any of it without implying it - so I DON'T SAY IT. I don't want you to feel guilty and I
misfitlife (5:34:34 AM): don't want to be depressed. Don't worry, I'm calling to make an appointment with my therapist soon before these images of just giving up completely ... get any stronger.
Scott (5:51:27 AM): how does any of this have anything to do with you leaving the house and me not noticing? was that not the original problem? why are you hiding other things within guilt ridden comments? "going to bed now - not that you even noticed I was gone earlier" how can you assume that is a fact without asking me first?
Scott (5:51:31 AM): So what's the real issue here? that i didn't get chinese food? i'm not about to pretend to know your diabetic food schedule. i'm sorry if i don't follow threw but your crashes kind of just... CRASH into you and 45 minutes is to long to wait for you to eat. see the problem here? listen, i'm sorry if i
Scott (5:51:35 AM): have not found a job yet and i have been looking like you said i have and i thank you for noticing. i will put double effort into looking for a job. if it is a problem i can find another place to live.
misfitlife (5:54:17 AM): And like I said - I don't want to make you feel guilty - so I try not to say anything that would. The comment about not noticing I was gone was actually directed to Greg - who spent the night talking to you when he came over to 'talk to me' sorry you got the back lash - I tired I'm depressed and at times I just lash out
misfitlife (5:54:36 AM): as for the food thing - I actually asked twice yesterday ... you made eggs
misfitlife (5:54:46 AM): I don't want you to move out
misfitlife (5:54:56 AM): I don't want to deal with this now - I have to work

Two other things about this bothered me all day.
1- Never once was my blood sugar a factor in ordering food. He talked himself out of each instance. I told him to order anything he wanted. - The big factor last time was that he was offering to buy at 9:30 - and I should have been in bed already and I wasn't going to wait up for 30 to 40 minutes for the delivery and eat. But I did say I could always have the left overs. He just decided to save it until the weekend 'when we had more time' - then had eggs for lunch and didn't offer over dinner.
Frankly I could care less if he orders food, or buys me lunch - just don't make the offer, talk yourself out of it, offer a rain check and never offer it again. It's bogus. And on top of that, honestly I don't think he has the money to spare to make the offer at this point.
And just for EVERYONES information - There is no 'Diabetic food Schedual' other then to eat on a regular basis. Crashes happen when you skip meals or have something smaller then you should have or did more exersize then you ate for.

2 - If he want's guilt trip - He owes his ex-room mate an apology for being a hypocrite. I remember when he and his room mate had this situation reversed (Scott was working and his room mate wasn't). Scott bitched to me frequently about how his room mate never lift a finger to clean the place and said "If he doesn't have a job, the LEAST he can do is some house work and keep the place clean." I've had to ask Scott each time to do dishes - sometimes he might get maybe half of them done before he's "distracted by something else" and leaves them. He's taken the trash out a few times, but usually because we can't even get into the kitchen. I'm working TWO jobs and he spends the majority of his day sleeping, talking on the phone to girls or planted in front of his computer. Occationally he rearranges his room and throws more stuff out into the hall.

I am a firm believer in "If you want it done, let alone done right - do it yourself." So I don't ask him to clean often. I will do it, and usually while I am, he offers to help - but there really isn't a way to do that in a kitchen as small as ours.
I don't ask any one to do things. Because in most cases, they resent being asked. I also believe that everyone knows what should be done, and if they want can be considerate or thoughtful enough to just do it. Frankly, it means more to me when they do it on there own with out prompting or a lecuture.

As for the rest of my statements ... About seeing a Therapist (again).
I even cut part of that out because I am NOT trying to make Scott feel guilty. I am not trying to make ANYONE feel guilty. If it isn't their fault, or if they have no way of helping out - then they don't need to know.
I AM NOT trying to scare any one here or concern any one - but what I was talking about is that I am very tired, very alone, and very depressed and the images of blowing my brains against a wall are getting stronger. I am not suicidal - but I don't want to live any longer and I am just praying for the end, the sooner the better.
For those that are wondering - I once spoke of weening myself off my anti-depressant - that NEVER happened. I have still been taking it every day on a regular basis. If it ever worked, I don't think it is any more and that more then anything is why I want to see the Therapist - see if the prescription should be changed.
My big problem is going to be getting there, between my two jobs - it will be hard and in 2 to 3 weeks it might be to late or resolved.

I guess the "Real Issue" here is that I am tired, depressed, lonely, lashing out and there isn't an "UN-SEND" button for when I make a mistake like that.

I am considering writting James. Just to clue him in. S-P-E-L-L    I-T    O-U-T    F-O-R    H-I-M.
But maybe not tonight.
I'm to tired - I worked my first job until 2:30 and come home just long enough to change shirts and cars. I made to my second job by 3pm (which I consider a half hour late). On my small breakfast I made it longer then I thought I would. I didn't have my usual symptoms - I just felt queasy. I made it to lunch time.
I'm about to test again before bed.

Sent this before I went to bed last night.

misfitlife (10:21:39 PM): I'm going to bed - I made a new folder in shared network "Stuff for Scott" which has the poems, <duck>'s letter, that picture I found for you ... and my latest journal rant if you want to read it before it posts ... hopefully I won't work as long tomorrow and I might get to talk to you about it all - you are still my best friend, hate argueing with you ...

I'm now up an entire hour early - Scott got a little loud on the phone this morning and woke me up. That puts me two and a half hours down on sleep.
I'm not really seeing Rainbows, Sunshine or even light at the end of this tunnel right now.

==== 20:00

If you would have told me this morning that my day would go this badly I would have laughed at you and been crying by noon because you were right.
The afternoon got a little better.
I have bill collectors calling me again.
I haven't seen or heard from Scott in a while ... I'm wondering if he's really mad at me or if it's just bad timing.
Chris and Melanie (and I believe Evan) are on there way over - in town for a funeral .
My 'boss' at my second job, keeps presuring me to unload on her. She knows I'm in a bad mood and keeps telling me "If you want to talk, I have wide shoulders." I refrain from telling her what I really think (which is that her shoulders are not that wide, from everything she has said or done this past season has shown me that even the first sentence I would speak would be "TMI - To Much Information" and then she would Bible Belt me, and use what she heard for Gossip in the office). Today instead, I made a joke with her.
"I'll be fine. You can't be on the top of the wave all the time. Sometimes you just have to lay belly down in the water and paddle." I said.
"If you get tired you could just lay on the surf board." She said. Actually I was impressed that she caught that much of the analogy, but then I said,
"Surf Board? Maybe that's what I'm missing. No wonder I'm tired of swimming."

After Chris and Melanie visit - I'm going to try and call MFIJ and catch up on things. Hopefully I will have seen and spoken with Scott by then (he seems to have taken what I wrote the wrong way because he ran the dishwasher and took out the trash).

====

misfitlife (8:06:57 PM): Your Mom called at 8pm - just incase I forget to tell you.
misfitlife (9:57:25 PM): Waited up as long as I could - noticed you ran the dishwasher and took out the trash ... extremely worried that you are very pissed at me or trying to make you feel guilty ... really want to talk about it and apologize profusely - none of this is worth our freindship. Please wake me to talk - or write me ... something please.
misfitlife (9:57:46 PM): I can't lose a friend like you.

While Chris and Melanie were here, Chris said,
"Now that we have visit - could you please write a happier entry in the journal!"

I would love to, and I will try. Things are looking up some ... except that I'm in the dark with Scott right now.

Need to sleep.

So, I cried myself to sleep. I thought I was all cried out, but there seems to be no end to my tears - especially at the thought of having upset a freind.
I started crying about 10:10. I was crying so hard I never heard the door, and even for a moment just thought I might be hearing things. But I could hear Scott on the phone in his room, it was about 10:40. I tried to stop crying ... I didn't want him to hear it and think I was trying to make him feel guilty. But he never came to the door to wake me, or talk to me - and every moment he didn't ... I cried harder and tried to keep it quieter.
I fell asleep sometime after midnight. Woke up about 3:30 for no reason what so ever ... could still hear Scott in his room.

I approached the computer with trepidation because I though maybe there would be an instant message. There wasn't - instead, I can still hear him talking in his room, and watched him log off as I sat here. It would seem obvious to me that he doesn't want to hear anything from me.

It hurts - and it's my pain.
I don't want to make him feel guilty ... and the truth be told - he feels the guilt because he wants to; not because of anything I did or didn't say.

"And like I said - I don't want to make you feel guilty - so I try not to say anything that would. *** sorry you got the back lash - I tired I'm depressed and at times I just lash out ...
I guess the "Real Issue" here is that I am tired, depressed, lonely, lashing out and there isn't an "UN-SEND" button for when I make a mistake like that."

And in the "follow your own advise" column ... I thought about not even posting any of this - but better to live with the mistakes you have made and suffer the consequences then to pretend it never happened.

If I had the time, I could write for 5 hours about the one hour that Chris, Melanie and Evan were here. That was a happy moment. And I wish it was longer then just an hour, but it was a treasured hour within 24. And in a way, I feel a little guilty that I can't write about something happier right now.
It is seriously time to call that Therapist.

I need someone that can listen without taking any of it personally and feeling responsible or guilty about it - and is also paid and bound by confidentiality to keep his mouth shut.

I'm going to be late for work if I don't stop typing.

=== 13:00

Work was better today.
I bought a man to sleep with . It's a little Jester doll, it sits next to my heart shaped "Love" pillow and laughs at me.

As I was sitting in bed, frozen and just thinking of a reason to move two things dawned on me.
I hang on to everything. The negative out wieghts the positive though. So I dwell on the negative here in the journals ... and I hold tightly to the positive in day to day life.
Laughing with Chris and Melanie and watching them play with Evan was what got me to move.

I'm going to go and take the last $6 out of my checking account - and eat lunch then go to the Doctor's and then work. Tomorrow is pay day. Friday is payday. Surely things will look better then.

===== 21:00

Had to stay late at my second job to make up the time I missed at the Doctor's.
Things look good to Dr.'X' - he's going to check my Thyroid to see if that might be causing the tiredness and depression.
He did encourage me to call the Therapist though.

As of right now - Scott hasn't spoken to me since Monday. I don't even know if he gets my IM's.
He has the right to be mad at me - but I'd rather he tell me about it then ignore me completely.

I gave him nothing that didn't give freely (including the use of my car and my home).
I know he is trying to find work and I didn't mean to imply or state that he was lazy, inconsiderate, or useing me.
I never meant for him to feel guilty about anything.

I miss my friend.

But I don't have control over this. All I can do is be there when or if he's ready.

0505.05

Things are not any better.
In doing my job, I made a vendor cry. She didn't go through the correct check in proceedures - ignored what I had told her - and we found the proof that she lied to us (or more likely was confused but so sure that she was right that she pursist with the inaccurate). Honestly, I don't think she was that emotionally stable to begin with - and maybe she should get an Oscar for the performance.
Basically, I showed her all the evidence that we had - told her that we would not permit it to happen again, and if there was even a hint of it we would get someone else to represent our store - and that I was still sending the invoice in to accounting, with all the evidence, and a recomendation that it not be paid. The highlight of the show:
"I swear to God," She said and crossed herself, then began to cry "I would never lie to you because -sob- that would just be wrong." (applause). My reply:
"I never said you lied. I said you didn't follow our proceedures, and now you don't have the paper trail to back up your story."
Second great retort -
"Don't you believe me? Can't you trust me?" she asked.
"I do, my company doesn't because they are a bussiness and I am paid to enforce their rules."

At my second job - I was accused of being a child and instagating loud and disruptive behavior and conversation in the day time help. I shut up, and then the management asked me if everything was alright, because I wasn't my usualy happy self.
I was on the verge of handing them my badge and walking out.

I asked Scott if he wanted to go to lunch - he said NO.
I asked if he needed the car for his class - he said I'LL WALK.
I asked if he was still so mad at me that he wasn't going to talk to me - he said
and I took that as a yes.
I left him the car anyway - he didn't use it.
I walked home myself.
At work I realized I had used my last Test strip that morning - so couldn't test myself, and I had forgotten some of my medications.

I am not having a good week.

------------------ saving for a while ------
(At this point, I stopped my posting until the situation could be resolved - I didn't want to make anything worse with continual posts that might just bring up other issues. So from here until (0505.13) was posted in bulk)

I just heard Scott come home through his sliding glass door. Won't even come into the same room with me.
Personally - I think this is overly childish and I've had about enough.
I'm about ready to pull the cord from the router and cut off his internet.
Some of his stuff has been moved out of the hallway - frankly I can only hope he's planning to move out behind my back without so much as a good-bye and thanks for all the fish. Because if something hasn't happened by next week - I'm going to tell him to move. I almost hope I come home and he's even decided to take all his furnature with him out of spite (because he said he would leave it - and he threw mine away). I don't need this kind of shit - and now he's the one bringing the 'drama' into the house.

I just keep remembering that even with the Drug dealer here - he paid what he was obligated to (nothing more) - and even then I was having a hard time supporting myself, let alone anyone else.
I didn't want a room mate after the last one. I didn't want any one around for this 'last year'. I didn't want to make it hard on myself to adjust to being alone.
But Scott was desperate for a place to live - he had a job (and grand schemes of coming in here with fists full of money to solve all our problems) and he is one of my best friends.
Even through all of this, I'm still willing / able to say that and mean it.
But I am tired of making all the sacrifices and bleeding through the hands for it.

I actually stopped at Greg's to see if I could get a ride home - no one was there. No one.
For some reason I felt the need to leave $20 under his pillow. He'll need it for gas or food.
Maybe it was a subconscious way of saying I should try to buy his forgivness now since it was his 'leaving' and then talking to Scott all evening - which prevented me from getting back to sleep so I left and then made the comment that began this mess.

Actually I still blame James for all of this. I'm not saying it's his fault - just that I am going to blame him. Starting the depression and the bad weekend and all the conflicting emotions and ...

FUCK IT!!
Maybe this is just further proof of how broken I have become or that anyone that gets to know the real me - can't stand it and leaves.

Right now ... I'm going to take the meds I missed, check my sugar levels - put the dishes away and then go to bed.

I'm going to be a mess today. I made it to bed about 11:30pm - woke up crying from a nightmare about Scott moving out at about 1:30am - fell asleep just listening to his voice through the wall talking to someone - then the alarm at 4:45am.

My thoughts are already scattered all over.

Forgot to write about the other bad Vendor thing yesterday. It wasn't job related, but hit me hard.
One of my Vendors is the brother of someone that used to be our Vendor. I had thought about him the other day and told his brother to say 'Hi' for me. Today he came back and told me his brother said 'Hi' back ... but ...
"He said he was surprised you where still around. When I asked him what he meant by that, he said I should ask you because he didn't want to say anything he shouldn't." That hurt because he and I used to talk about it frequently, he had a lot of questions and he knew I was open about it and didn't care if anyone knew. But I explained to his Brother that if I had to hazzard a guess it was because I'm HIV positive and he figured I would to sick to work or be dead by now.
"Tell him I'm doing fine." and his brother said he would pass the message along.
It's been a long time since I've been hit with the "haven't heard from you in a while, thought you where dead - seriously" bit.

Walking home, I passed a honey suckel bush. That smell. It brought back so many childhood memories of the one on my block where I used to live. We kids nearly picked that bush clean eating the honey. It smelled so good ... so sweet.

If Scott isn't moving out and I have to ask him to go - he doesn't have a leg to stand on ... he never got around to putting himself on the lease. Actually ... that puts me in violation of my lease ... hope the Nazi doesn't throw me out because of it.

====== 22:00

Symptoms that persist.
That damn head ache. It's on more then off. For the past week or more now.
My heart just pounds in my chest. It's not fast or slow - just seems to beat harder.
Depression - today was a little better, but not much. I just don't care.

Still nothing out of Scott.

Tomorrow I might just post a letter on his window that reads "Please Forgive me".
By the way, the nightmare; People that I work with were helping him move. They all said it was the best. I didn't understand it. Finally Scott showed up and he had a huge scar on his face and his arm around a girl that was doped up to the gills. I began to cry and shouting talk to me, I don't understand. He never answered and just continued to leave. I woke up crying.

Because of all this - I just don't feel it wise to bring anyone here that knows us both. No need to find out who talks to who or choses sides or anything.
I've already told MFIJ that he can't come over this weekend, but I do plan to go over there and help him with his computer and maybe see a movie. He wants to buy - I don't know if he still has the money or understands how much it is ... It was nice of him to offer, and I'll let him if he wants - if not, I'll pay because I want to.

A guy that I work with at the State might want to go bar hopping that night. I might just be able to stay out of Scotts way all weekend.
I don't like not feeling welcome in my own house.
I don't like knowing someone that I care about this much is mad at me.
I don't like not knowing what to do.

I keep trying to remember : No snowflake falls in an inappropriate place.
But it dawned on me late one night - I hate winter, I hate snow, and this is spring coming up on summer - what the fuck do snowflakes have to do with anything!

*sigh*

I don't even know where to begin - things were almost better.

I need to sleep.

... by the way ...
for all of you that think this "just isn't you - Bret's always the happy guy." ... I have to ask - Are you sure? because a lot has changed and I'm pretty sure this is all coming from me.

Where to begin.
How about a little bit of a review. That didn't lead where you thought it would, did it? Maybe this will.
How about an update.

5 - 4 - 05
misfitlife (9:06:22 PM): If you even check this any more - tomorrow is pay day - thought I might take you to lunch and if you need the car for that class you could just drop me off at work.
misfitlife (9:06:42 PM): I wouldn't need to know anything until I get home from work around 1ish.

This of course lead to the 'discussion' related on 0505.05.

5 - 6 - 05
misfitlife (9:40:19 PM): What will it take to forgive me? I'm begging for the chance.

As I left work and was buying my Mother some flowers for Mother's Day, I noticed some small Bears with things printed on them. I bought two of them.
After lunch with Mom I called MFIJ and made arrangements to go over there. As I said before here, I didn't want to put him in the situation of a possible victim of cross fire. Actually, it's been eating me up since I have been going out of my way to prevent anyone from knowing any kind of details since I really ONLY have MY side of things. I know a lot of my freinds and a lot of them would have wanted to step in and do something and that would have only made things worse.
All anyone has gotten for an explaination this week is; Scott and I are having a dissagreement and I'm trying to work things out.
My Mother was the only to get any more details which where; He's so mad at me that he isn't even talking to me. I don't know if he's getting my messages and my appologies. I think I am missing something because what I think I've done wouldn't make Scott react like this.
Anyway - as I was leaving I left the two bears on the floor in front of his door. Two white bears sitting side by side and reading;
"I'm Sorry" and "I miss you".

MFIJ and I looked at his computer - and I might be able to get him what he wants ... if he can afford the $9.95 a month connection fee's. Then we went and saw "Kingdom of Heaven". Good Film. We went and ate.
I had to come back here to check my messenger to see if the freind from work had sent me anything about going out to the bar.
MFIJ asked me if he should stay in the car, or if he could go and talk to Scott. I told him not to bring any of this 'conflict' up because I didn't want Scott to think I was sending someone else in to "do my dirty work" and don't try to act as a mediator because that is exactly what I was trying to prevent anyone else from getting dragged into. MFIJ looked confused.
"It will make me uncomfortable, but I will not and can not stop you from doing anything that you want to do." I said.
I went to the bathroom first, MFIF went to Scott's window to say "Hi".
As I passed his door, I noticed the bears where missing - at least he got them.
As I began to pee, what I heard (or at least thought I heard through three doors and the noise of peeing) was Scott saying,
"Get the hell out of here!" and I thought, "great it's even worse then I thought" and even wondered where the ashes of the bears might be.
As I walked out to the computer I could hear the two of them talking ... maybe it wasn't that bad.
I found the bears in the kitchen - on the counter - arranged as if they where fucking ...
"Great, this is his way of saying 'fuck your apology' I guess." I thought, and then noticed they where on a note. I was damn near afraid to read it since I was getting ready to try and go out and have a good time. The paper read,
"Forgiven". - okay ... figurative make-up sex then.
Okay - status quo. At least I know I have a chance to talk to him later and finally apologize in person rather then through IM's, my website and stuffed bears.
I went to the computer. There was an IM, not from my friend that wanted to go to the bar though. I think I know what came up about that though, and I'll ask him at work on Monday. It was from Scott.

5 - 7 - 05
Scott (6:46:13 PM): did you get my email?

I had not - I downloaded mail. Just when I thought I couldn't get any angrier, or cry any more tears - I read the e-mail and found more. As I read, I got a phone call. A freind was in town over the weekend, the Cammies where having an inpromtu party for her and I was invited (this friend is someone I used to LARP with, until she moved to Austin - with Devin soon to follow). I was also quickly not getting in a party mood. I didn't want to miss her and many of my other freinds that I hadn't seen in a long time. I told them I would drop by. Then I respond.

misfitlife (9:29:15 PM): just now - looks like your note lied ... we have a lot to hash out
misfitlife (9:29:47 PM): first you owe me nothing - not gas or money only the words
misfitlife (9:29:58 PM): I will have to do the rest of this later.

Scott was now in the hall behind me. He was still on the phone.
"Oh, it's on now." he said. I have no idea if he was talking to me, about me, or responding to something on the phone. I got up from the computer.
"Did you see the bears?" he asked.
"Yes." I replied.
"Aren't they cute?" He asked.
"Not after I read your e-mail. I have to take MFIJ home. I hope we talk later."

I then took MFIJ home. He told me how Scott was cool, they joked, sat outside and smoked and shot the shit. It occured to me that maybe MFIJ had a cigarret going when he approached the window and that is what Scott was jokingly shouting "get that out of here" and moved the conversation outside. I don't know and I didn't ask. I was just trying to concentrate on the road, because I was about to cry and crying and driving don't mix - especially on the highway. MFIJ noticed and asked if I was okay. I said no. He put his hand on my shoulder and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no. He changed the subject and tried to make me laugh - it didn't work, but I appreciate the thought.

I went in with him to get water to take meds. He went to check his e-mail. I took my meds, and then found myself sitting on his kitchen floor crying ... quitely - I didn't want him to see. He came back pretty soon though. He thought I had fallen down. He sat with me on the floor for a while and tried to reassure me. Scott and I were to good a freinds to let something come between us.
"I think you might be wrong. Because I think I already lost him as a freind." I said.
"He lost the freind if that's the case." He pointed out.
"Doesn't matter, we both lose and the pain is the same for me either way." I replied.
He helped me up after a while, and I took advantage of the proximity and hugged him. He put his arm around me and plainly said,
"You know, I'm not any good with the emotional stuff, but I'm here for you. And I know I asked if you are okay and you said no, but is there anything I can do to help?" He asked. I let go of the hug.
"You have already done it, and I appreciate it greatly." I then dropped him off at a freinds house and I went to the party.

Lot's of hugs. Quite a bit of alcohol.
I said my hellos.
She and I had the party rolling for a moment. Someone mentioned something about me and boyfreinds or men ...
"... and he will run away like every other man in my life." I said.
"How many times do I have to tell you?!" She shout out at me, "It's a GOOD thing when they run away." People laughed.
"Not for me. I'm a bottom! I don't like to look at thier ass." People laugh some more.
"Good point!" She said laughing and shook my hand.
"Speaking of Asses, Did Devin fall of the face of the earth or what?" I asked.
"Good Segway!" she said and pulled me in for a hug. Everyone was laughing now. She gave me the two minute update on Devin, and then hand me her phone. "All you have to do is push that button and he or his boyfreind should answer." I think it was Melissa that laughed and pointed out that she loved that it was my decision to call.
"What the hell. My week can't get any worse and I've already pissed off most of my friends." I pushed the button and went into the bathroom ... good place to be quite and deal with shit.
Devin's boyfreind answered and handed the phone over. I said hello - he said hello back. He was in a bar and it was loud. I told him who it was, and he said he recognized my voice.
"Everyone from the state says Hi. They all still ask about you, but you never call, write or answer e-mail." I said.
"Yeah, that sounds like me." He replied. I tried to end the conversation about three times - he kept talking. Finally I told him I didn't want to run her minutes up and I really had to go and try to fix a really bad week. I told him to write me or something.
It will never happen.
He also mentioned ... warned? me that he was going to be moving back to KC. When I gave the phone back I let her know that and she asked me when he said he was moving.
"Late June." I replied.
"Well is was Early April, the Mid-May, now it's Late June." She recount.
"Ah - so he's not coming." I said.
"You never know with Devin." and she is right.
I went down to see 'Smith' who was playing games instead of being at the party. I gave him a back rub as he played, and he told me he was going to be moving - still no job, no rent - kicked out. He then asked me about my week. I refrain, but told him I really wasn't looking forward to going back up stairs to say good-bye's this soon but I really needed to leave because I was not in a party mood, and probably had a problem waiting for me at home. He let me sneak out through his place and told me he would let everyone know I was gone ... if they came and asked him.
I came home.
He was locked up in his room again. I listen to messages on the phone. Two more invites to the party I had just left, and -

misfitlife (11:11:59 PM): in case you didn't hear it - your mom called, message on the machine ... she sent you an e-mail also.

I went to bed. Probably better. I wouldn't have wanted to cry and make him feel guilty. But I couldn't sleep. I got up and took Mom the 'surprize' Mum's I got her for Mother's day. Some more color for her patio garden.
I still couldn't sleep. Rolled over in my head a dozen different things to do or say or write - none of it helped.
I came out here to start a letter - I'm going back to bed instead.

===== 13:00

Proof read the letter, and ended up sending this:

My Reply:

< Legal Stuff. These are my (Bret Turner's) personal journals. They portray MY feelings and opinions only (just one side of any situation). I try to shield others from being highlighted here and have tried to ask for permission to use names (and I warn anyone thinking about it - once you are in, you can't be removed).
These Journals where set up to show what day to day life is like with HIV - the issues that surround it and how it effects personal relationships. However, it is my life - and there is more to it then HIV. I share everything that I can.
If you are wondering who I am before finding out about my day to day life, check out my ' BIO '.

Anyone reading this journal to find out what I really feel, or WORSE to find out what someone that I know is doing - STOP .
I do not put anything in these journals that I am not willing to talk about in public. If you want to know what I feel - ASK ME. 
If you are using this journal to 'spy' on someone that I know - this is a poor way of doing it. Since I try not to put others in the spot light, all you are seeing at best is some shadow play of the other .
If you want to know what someone else is doing - ASK THEM . If you ask me, you are going to the get same things as I have written and maybe more because I know who you are and what you want the information for.
If you have any concerns please contact me . Thank you.

If you are interested in personal points of view about HIV other then my own, I have provided links to others sharing there experiences.

Just looking to see if anything is new? You can skip down to the tables of contents from here by clicking on the right side. The Dark Past will go in a Page at a time. Recent Entries go in as often as I write. First time here? The left side will take you to an explanation of each section. Still wondering who I am - Check the Bio for an over view of me and my history.

Recent Past will be entries dealing with the creation of this web page and everything since then. These entries where created on-line with the intention of being on-line. In these entries I will try to be more straight forward in my writing and include some historical content. I will be more cautious about using names or talking about other peoples lives then I was in the Dark Past Journals (which were not intended to be on-line). I apologize in advance if I do - or if I say something here that hurts someone that I know, or if I should have said it first to the individual I may have mentioned.  My intention here is to show the life of someone dealing with HIV and how it does (or as the case may be doesn't ) effect my life on a daily basis. I want to point out however that I still write to clear my head and think. These journals are for me - I just happen to let you read them. I hope that I show my life hasn't changed much (and with the Dark Past entries you will have a bit of a gauge) and that it isn't different from yours. We have all felt joy and sorrow, contentment and unease, loneliness and acceptance to one degree or another. I do believe that every life is unique but we all feel the same emotions and that is what makes us human. We may feel them for different reasons but we all feel them. When we can express our differences and still find similarities we are making for a better human race. >

Scott,

Well, let's start with this :
” I am completely horrified that you posted all that stuff. Yes it is your journal but I thought you would have more respect for my privacy then that. From this point on I don't want my name, or any reference to me to be made in your journal. Including this letter. Please respect this.”

A)  I will respect your wish not to post this letter, but not for the reason you would think.
I think that letter would drag you through the mud a hell of a lot more then anything else I could have, or want to, say.
My Reply however is mine – and it will be posted.

B)  I do and have respect for your privacy, but I should note, your actions have been and are public – and open to interpretation, especially when there is no communication to explain or back it up.

C)  You can't be removed from the Journal. Maybe you don't remember that warning so long ago, that once you are in, you are in – and the only way to be removed is to remove yourself from my life – and even then, I may refer to my memories and thoughts of you. You can't in your right mind believe that I could just not talk about this situation or its outcome ever again.

D)  “if your journals mean that much to you then be prepared to loose a friend because of it.”
I am, I have been and it has happened before. Never this close – it hurts even more this time, but I stand by my site and the things I have said – and the things I have done. I am – and have been making equally public apologies and trying to explain what I said and what I meant and where I went wrong.
You don't seem to acknowledge, accept or care about any of that.

The meat of the matter :

YOU ARE RIGHT – You did nothing to deserve being lashed out and I have been apologizing for that since DAY ONE.
Yes – my journals are my Vent spot and you knew that – and even if you didn't, it's posted in the Journal introduction.
” I apologize in advance if I do - or if I say something here that hurts someone that I know, … I want to point out however that I still write to clear my head and think. These journals are for me - I just happen to let you read them.”
I THOUGHT – I was doing you a courtesy by letting you read my vent before it was posted (and yes, it was about a day before – and it went up with the apologies the next day) because it was NOT a HATE POST.
” [I am] extremely worried that you are very pissed at me or trying to make you feel guilty ... really want to talk about it and apologize profusely - none of this is worth our friendship. Please wake me to talk - or write me ... something please. …. I can't lose a friend like you. “
” And in the "follow your own advise" column ... I thought about not even posting any of this - but better to live with the mistakes you have made and suffer the consequences then to pretend it never happened.”
” He has the right to be mad at me - but I'd rather he tell me about it then ignore me completely.”
And at that point – I also stopped posting to the web because I didn't want anything to go up that might make things even worse especially since I was working completely in the Dark at this point.)

My Rant included the things that bothered me, and my understanding of them with even the resolutions.
” So sorry for the guilt trip - thought I was stating a fact”
” I don't want you to feel guilty”
” Never once was my blood sugar a factor in ordering food.”
” honestly I don't think he has the money to spare to make the offer at this point.”
” I don't ask any one to do things.” (btw' I did ask you to clean – and it never did get done until this rant pissed you off.)
” there isn't an "UN-SEND" button for when I make a mistake ”

1-  So Who created the Drama Here? “This world doesn't create you, you create it.”
I can't stand drama either – yet someone left me begging for the chance to work things out and didn't speak a word to me for a week and went out of his way to prove he could be like a ghost in my house.

2-  ” i refuse to be ruled by your emotional tyranny any longer”
Now, I'm speechless.
Once again I point out – I LASHED OUT, and you DIDN'T DESERVE IT.
But I have been going through a really rough week, and I could have used a friend that understood that much alone and talked to me about the first instance, and took the first apology, and maybe tried to help.
But YOU ARE RIGHT, I obviously don't know you that well. And it would seem you forgot everything about me as well.

3-  “when your friends come over here and don't like me i will NEVER wonder why.”
I don't know of any one of my Friends that don't like you. They don't have a reason to – and I am / will be on your side should they choose to try it. I may have upset you, but I didn't create the situation of a room mate that wouldn't even talk to me – that is what upset me the most and caused the most external stress around here. I was made to be helpless to even attempt to fix the conflict.

I am at the point I was with James now. I want to remember you as the good person you where to me, not this.
The more I read of this, the more I realize it was a complex set of little things that once set in motion snowballed me in to hell.
I would offer to talk about everything more, but as you said, you don't trust me.
Despite my actual intentions of working out the conflict, you would think I am creating more drama when all I want is for it to end.

… and I'm pretty sure none of this is helping.

Bottom Line:

1) I am sorry, and never meant to hurt you at all.

2) I did everything I could to fix this situation before it even got to this point.

3) I am sorry that this has cost me a best friend. – and yeah, I realize that statement means you are gone … I think you where gone since Monday, and I just found out about it.

4) I'll leave the car for your class on Thursday. Save your money for moving.

5) Yes, I'm asking you to move out. Once again, I think you've been gone since Monday and I'm just finding out about it. The sooner the better, end of the month is fine. I'll try to stay out of your way until then (especially the 22 nd to the 29 th ). Take everything that is yours, and anything that you need. I didn't want it to end like this either, but you cut off all other roads and choices.

6) Still your friend whether you believe it or not. I'm here if you want to try and resolve anything else. Ball is in your court now.

======= 21:00

I sent the letter, and then I left. I just didn't feel welcome here any more in my own home.
I went to get some Lunch and see a movie - but the movie was going to start first.
I went and saw "House of Wax". Decent B horror film. I had a hot dog at the Theater.

After the movie ... I felt like shit - so what should I do? Yeah, Arcade. It tops off any bad day.
Then I went and found some food. I wanted to eat big and late for this fasting thing tomorrow. I went to Scholtsky's and KFC for a sandwhich with Gravy. I ate in the park.
I put Linkin Park on Repeat, and two thoughts occured to me.

1) It has to be me. Look at my track record. I can't make a love relationship work - now I can't even make friendships work.
2) Here lately, at work(s) and in my personal relationships or even here on the web it would seem that I am either completely ignored, or told to shut-up. ...maybe the things I thought where important to say, aren't.

I kept singing along with the CD. I pulled out the lyrics to check on something - and then realized the song I had been singing ... I changed two parts (four words total). Great thing about music - it can truely speak to your heart and mind ... even if you aren't listening to it right. - hmmm, there is something to think about.

"Pushing Me Away"

I've lived with you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in the light
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away

I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in the light
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in the light
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Pushes me away

- LINKIN PARK - (words in Italics, are the ones I changed)

Scott wrote:
LMAO your kicking me out... how funny, you lash out, i defend myself, you don't want to deal with it, so you kick me out. i avoided you for a week to keep myself from getting to angry. glad you are so easy to finish this. so much for the "i'm sorry" and "i miss you" fucking bullshit bears you bought. i thought that was a sweet gesture such a two faced move. your "sorry" but your going to kick me out anyway. i hate that you have to make me hurt just to continue your pain.

Misfit replied in the heat of the moment before going to work:
That is complete Bullshit and you know it.
I wasn't going to ask you to move until I was some "Emotional Tyrant" and besides that - you had already decided to move out anyway.
You don't trust me - You can't talk to me - That isn't "Forgiven" or even a "Lets finally work this out". That's an "I'm done with this, fuck you from now on also".
"I quit!" Yells the employee,
"You can't quit because your fired." Says the boss.
End result, the employee doesn't work there, and the boss just agreed with the employee.

I lashed you, you deffend yourself, I apologized - you cut me out of your life and locked yourself in your room. Who doesn't want to deal with it? I've been trying to fix things and make it right from the first day I realized I had upset you.

You have been hurting me all week and now I can tell it's going to keep going until the end of the month. Fine.
I think the only reason you even tried to make the attempt to put up the friendly face is because you want your girlfriend here for a week.
Fine, I'll stay out of the way - Let love come and rescue you.

Bottom line again :
You where right, you don't know me any more or none of this would have happened.
You where right, I don't know you any more or none of this would have happened.

You want to fix this - YOU make an attempt.
I've tried for a week and gotten nothing but greif and a letter telling me to "Shut up" (don't write about me or mention my name or blah - blah - blah)
Fuck you!

And now ... I'm tired of fighting and I'm not going to do it any more.
I'm going to shut up now.

I am now very tired of this drama he says he's trying to avoid. I've said all I can and want to. I'm not even going to reply again.

--- PLEA ( part 1 )

The end of this month will make 9 YEARS on line. Nearly a Decade. misfit@misfitslife.com
I am seriously considering making it the LAST. misfit@misfitslife.com

I need some feed back READERS. --> misfit@misfitslife.com <--
Here are the 'rules'

1) This is NOT about Scott - I don't want to hear anything about that or it's resolution. Seriously@notlistening.no
2) I need to hear anything - Pro and Con about this site and ALL of it's contents, not just this journal. misfit@misfitslife.com
3) A clear cut STAY or GO would be nice. misfit@misfitslife.com

I don't mean to stop writting - just posting to the journal. I'll keep a personal journal again. I will finish out this month - this 'year'.
I will finish putting up the last of the Dark Past Journals - and then stop updating anything.
I don't mean this site will vanish - just become static. misfit@misfitslife.com

The parts of this site that I am truely proud of, don't seem to make the impression or response that I had hoped for.
Because of that - I think I'm going to hang up the towel. misfit@misfitslife.com

This is your chance - Vote, Let your voice and opinion be heard. -->misfit@misfitslife.com <--

Have I been ignored? Should I shut up? misfit@misfitslife.com
"The hieght of man's cruelty is indifference." ... Do you even care? misfit@misfitslife.com

----- ( see part 2 of the plea here)

Btw' two things more before I go to bed.

Fate has been playing games with my head today. A name that I have not ... heard, dreamed, or lusted after since College came back into my life today - just the name by the way.
This was someone that my Brother had run into (in California) - and I knew who he was talking of instantly. I had such a crush on him my Freshman year of College. I had him in a class, and I was in the swim class after his, so I ran into him in the locker room a couple of times. I never said anything to him. Figured he was straight, let alone way out of my league.
Turns out, through a series of freinds, I was invited to a party at the Gay bar. I wasn't out yet, but I had been going to the bar and was known as 'open-minded' and behind my back of course, 'just not out yet'. The party was a going away party. Turns out it was for this man I had been lusting after. He was gay, but now I had no reason to say anything to him other then Good-bye and didn't really get the chance to say that.

I remember a few weeks later talking to a teacher and freind of mine, that I had been kicking myself in the ass because I didn't say anything. Truely felt as if I had lost a perfect chance at something that just even felt like it could have been right.

Turns out, he's getting ready to donate a very large sum of money to a College for a Gay Studies Lab or something, because he can - turns out he comes from a family of money.

My head has been spinning around with the possiblities of 'What could have been' or even the playing up of what might be now.
Of course then I realize how I look now, how I feel now, my track record with men and relationships in general - and realize ... just stupid dreams. He probably doesn't even remember me.
It was odd that fate should show me this now.
Almost as if to say - We have a different plan for you ... and we aren't done yet.

Second thing.

From Scott :

you know, your right... i'm sorry... i over reacted to a bad situation. i want to fix this. i dont' want to loose you as a friend and i'm willing to make the effort. so much shit has happened in the last few days i just don't want to loose you too. i'm tired of loosing things left and right... i'm sorry bret

I came home from work and he came home shortly after. We actually just sat out here and talked about our days and traded some really funny links on the web. We even went over a grocery list and he gave $5 for Milk and Bread.
It felt nice to have my friend back ... but I am still leary ... and worried about posting the week long of my paranoia building up until this resolution.
I'm going to talk to him about it, but not now - to tired.

And oh my god -

James (7:53:54 PM): Um I got the "I'm sorry" email from the 22nd that acted as if you were dead....I suppose I'll give you one good laugh for it, especially since it hasn't happened
misfitlife (8:07:54 PM): Maybe you didn't understand the intent of that message. I told you not to write me drunk, but you did, so I told you not to write me, but you did, I told you to act as if I was dead so I could haunt you because I'm alive and can't do it - so I sent the obit - so you would get the idea that I am tired of listening to your BS. I also figured my NOT RESPONDING might have helped - but you showed up here in Topeka anyway.
misfitlife (8:08:06 PM): You know, for a smart man, you can be a dumb boy at times.
misfitlife (8:08:30 PM): Please ... just leave me alone so I can remember you well.
James (8:08:49 PM): Okay

My fasting went well. I made it to the test with 92 for blood sugar. I had lunch and meds afterwards.
We drew blood for:
Liver functions
Lipids, triglicerides and Colesterol.
Thyroid
A1c and related blood sugars.

Just waiting for the results.

Things can turn around on a dime.
Brian and Stacy had called, Scott gave me the message that they would call back at 10 - he and I just talked until then to kill the time. I did let him know that it was great having him back as a friend, but I was nervous about how long it would last. He shrugged and nod, said it was understandable after what had just happened.
Brian called, and invite me to a rare event that Stacy had been lucky enough to get tickets for. If I'm still working for the State I'll have to take off a little early and not sleep that night, but it would be worth it.

I'm going to be late for work if I don't stop typing.

==== 13:10

I did a little search ... He's a Doctor of Psychology now.
Here is some information - http://www.washburn.edu/sobu/broach/faulkner-memo.html

I mentioned some of this to one of my Vendors who in turn made a very lude comment - so I made one back which just about turned his stomach, but was true.

Why I'm beating myself up (again) for something that didn't happen nearly 20 years ago I don't know - I guess it's just in my nature.

I had a really bad bout with nasuea and sleepiness today at work, but still got everything done.
They actually did scan my damaged ... I thought about it a minute and looked around. I found the manager that had been shipped in, asked, found out my boss is on Vacation. That's why things are getting done!

Going to my other job early. To tired to do anything else.

So tired I left work early so I wouldn't go face down in the computer. I don't even know why I'm that tired. I was in bed by 8pm (which is when I would usually get off work).

The world appears to have gone mad - not sure I know what to do about that.

Last night -
James (3:54:39 PM): I know you don't like me messaging you....but if it is not beyond your endless generosity, you're the only one that can help at this time....may I please have <Dr.'X''s> phone number? He might help with possible cervical lymphadenopathy
misfitlife (7:10:49 PM): phone book might have been less obtrusive - 785-###-#### is the office

I then of course went to bed shortly after. This morning - I got two disturbing pieces of information.

James (11:27:52 PM): Thank you! Yeah I did think of that...but...I chose...
James (11:37:24 PM): Chose to cherish you before I release

Awh! If I actually start to fall for this stuff ... slap me.
Funny,Cherish and release is what I have been trying to do since he left (of course, I have released him ... couldn't hold on to that many thorns).
Then this -

Subject : A request to everyone
From : <Kooky> (or Ducky)

I am sending this e-mail to everyone on my mailing list...asking yet one more time that all e-mails from whoever it is pretending to be Scott to stop immediately.  While I sincerely doubt it's any of you, I feel the need to send out the request anyway, just in case.  I've tried blocking the e-mail addresses (2 so far), and that has not sufficed.  It's cruel...it's torturous...and it's very much unappreciated.  I just want peace.  Is that so much to ask?  So please cease the madness immediately if you're at all responsible.

I never got a first time notice, but I'm sure that is because she knew it wasn't one of us. I noticed the e-mail she used for Scott isn't the one he checks regularly, so I'm going to ask him if he got it later when he's awake.
If anyone reading these pages knows anything about this, I urge you to stop it as well. She does deserve her peace, and Scott has had enough problems without someone pretending to be him and dragging his name around in the dirt any more.

===== 20:30

I was just thinking about all the wierdness that has been going on lately - things changing direction suddenly and popping up out of no where. I came up to one of the girls I work with and I asked,
"Has life been kind of wierd for you lately? Things have been really strange for me, and I was wondering if it's was just me or everyone."
"Well," she said, "Life is like a dick." I was stunned. This isn't like her, and it didn't seem to be related to what I just asked her.
"What?"
"When it's soft you can't beat it, when it's hard you're getting fucked." I just stood there and began to laugh. She laughed with me. I gave her a hug and said,
"Thanks, I needed that laugh. And you proved my point also."

Those three guys at my second job that hang out a lot and talk. I just decided that I was going to 'name' them A, B, and C. Now, A wasn't in this conversation, but I'm sure he'll show up sometime. They where all joking around when I got there. I can't remember what it was the B said to C but C replied,
"Oh, you're going to die."
And B just laughed at the reply. But C continued.
"No, really ... one day you are going to die."
I laughed and pointed out, "We all do."
"Jezz thanks a lot 'C' for reinforcing the myth of Death." B exclaimed.
"The Myth of Death?" I asked.
"Yeah, didn't you know that Death is just a myth? The only reason it works at all is because people just lay back and accept it."
"I see." I mused. "I'll have to remember that."

My Brother now had a national commerical pop up out of no where and surprise him with a name from his past.

I'm telling you all - it's going around ... becareful.

I was really bad last night. I made Mac'n'Cheese for dinner (the vending machine was emtpy so I played sugar skip with crackers all night long). Pasta is a high carb food, so I offered half to Scott. He was on the phone. I was half way through my second small plate when I realized ...
a) I ate the half I had offered him.
b) this was about 3 times or more the amount of carbs I should be having.

Of course in line with all the rest of the strangeness around me - my morning reading was 'normal' for me. (131)
*shrug* I'll just go with it.

Scott also told me Greg had come by to visit (while I was at work) - he lost his job, fired for covering for someone else's fuck up. *sigh* Good and bad in everything. Hope it goes well with him finding a job again soon.

===== 20:20

And we have storms.
I've already nearly fallen asleep at the computer, been hyper, and now ... horny and thinking of MFIJ in all the wrong ways.
I should be tired, and I am, but I'm not sleepy. I think if I lay down - I will fall asleep.
I have however, also been eating like a horse all day long and my glucose is still about the same.
I'll have milk and my last Little Debbie fudge round before bed and then hope things level out tomorrow.

Of course tomorrow is =Dum-dum-dah!= FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!

oh, and I was looking up a lot of symptoms for highs last night when I figured I would be through the roof because of the Mac'n'cheese ... tiredness, depression, crying, chest pains ... etc.
But my levels haven't been that high.
Low symptoms are similar.

I'm caught in the quandery now of - If I feel anything ... is it Real? or the Symptom of something else?

And the last of the paranoia - scared to death really. I'm sending Scott everything that hasn't yet been posted tonight for him to look at. I didn't think anything I wrote the first time would have upset him, but it did. I don't think there is anything in here that would upset him, but I was wrong before. I asked him to promise me that if anything did bother him, he would talk to me about it rather then start the battle up again ... because I really don't want it to happen and I have really enjoyed the fact that we have been talking this week ... and that I have my friend back.

Cross your fingers.

This morning as I was still trying to wake up and tie my shoes, Scott walks out of his room.
"Hi." I said still half asleep.
"Hi." He said and walked over and just grabbed a hold of me and hugged.
"Good morning, Scott." I said, and he still didn't let go.
"Good morning. I don't ever want to lose you as a friend. No matter how far away I go, I want you to know I am right here."
"Thank you." I said and the hug continued. "It was a rough week for both of us then."
"Yeah, no more silliness like that again." He said. Hung on to the hug a little longer. It was a long hug, and all I felt was secure and in the arms of a friend.

So far ... my day has been specatular.
Only been awake for 30 minutes though and I'm about to be late to work.

I would blame Friday the 13th, but this always happens. I got out of work late, people kept showing up late. But I had a lot of Emo Philips jokes and one liners to keep everyone happy - and something that Scott had relate to me earlier in the week became a bit of a catch phrase for the day.

I think it was Tuesday - when I was still a little unsure about where we were and how long this peace would last. I came home, and was in a hurry to leave for my other job - and he came out of his room,
"Your cat - " he said. My mind began to race, this could be good or bad.
"Your cat came into my room." Still good or bad. Spence could have chewed through something again. But I began to notice he was smiling.
"And he started to stare at the fan." Oh, no. Scott used this fan to cool his computers for a long time, and I still remember when he banged himself in the eye taking the cover off to get the most out of it's air flow. But since it's been warmer in his room now, it's been pulled back to help cool him as well. We all know where this is going - it's just a matter of how bad was it. I could see Spence and knew he wasn't hurt.
"I told him not to think about it, but then he started to cock his head a little. I turned around to watch. Sure enough, his paw came up off the floor and oh so slowly started toward the fan. I was trying not to laugh. Then suddenly .... Brrttt!Meroow!! and he ran out of the room." I was in hysterics also. I picked Spence up and just checked his paws. Scott told me he checked them also - and he isn't hurt at all ... but he hasn't gone near the fan again.

All day, someone would do something wrong or silly or stupid and say something like,
"You think I would have learned by now - but no! I have to learn everything the hard way."
And I would then reply,
"Brrttt!Meroow!" and then have to explain that story as well. Then I heard someone else use it also. Funny.

The only other thing so far - I about gave myself a heart attack with a glucose reading.

Friday			447!	10:15
the 13th!!			65	10:20
Comments: I'm sweating and I have slight shakes - Wash hand - test the strips and try AGAIN.

I had two candy bars and was cool. I'm getting ready to go to lunch now.

----- 20:30

I honestly don't know if I can take another two weeks of my night 'Supervisor'.
Still her most serious offense is using confidential medical information to 'gossip' with - but other little shit is starting to get on my last nerve.
Tonight, she was teaching one of the scanners to key. Now, because she couldn't get her mouth to make a difference between 'Brad' and 'Bret' she began to call me 'BRAT'. This in and of it's self wouldn't bother me. But -
The sign up sheet for side dishes and desserts was made and passed around for our 'End of the Season' dinner on the 20th. There, one other person and myself had 'nicknames'.
At the top of the list was me.
Bret
(aka - BRAT)
and about half way down was
<Drew> (the good looking kid that has been there for about 3 seasons now as a scanner - my embarassing moment a couple of years ago)
(aka - DingBat)
Now, this page is getting passed around the whole floor for us to sign up our side dishes for the dinner. I took the form back to scanning and gave it to <Drew> and said,
"I noticed we are the only ones that merit a 'nickname' on this form." He looked at it, sighed and said,
"Yeah ... oh well." Makes me think he's on her bad side also. And why?
Here's my theory - she's been there 15 years (she brags about it) but has never been on evenings or a supervisor. One night she made quite the point to let us know that this schedual was a hassle for her - and someone mentioned that the extra money must be nice for her though - but she only gets about another dollar for doing it, and she is only doing it to prove to them that she can do it. So ... of course those of us that that have returned for several years and give her any guff - we are problems.
And by the way - any problems, you have to tell her if you leave for any reason (which is understandable for somethings, but not everything ... we are adults) but,
"I have to know where you are because I'm responsible for you and if there was a fire or something and I had to run back in here thinking you where still here when you aren't and I die and orphan my children I would be really upset with you."
Bollocks! She would be the first one out of the building and probably the first one to send some flowers to your funeral with some crocidile tears for your orphaned children and greiving family.

If I find out she will be there next year - I don't know if I would go back.
I don't like the "make fun of them to make your point because then everyone else knows the manager is only jokeing and the employee is just taking it personally because they were in the wrong" kind of management.
Not any more the I like the kind of two faced Bigotry and lying of my other manager. It's been such a quite week with him gone on vacation. Everyone relaxed a little and got things done.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MFIJ!!

Just sitting back and watching movies with him ... his sister stood him up
But we are having fun.

I just got off the phone with Shawn M. - he was telling me all about his trip to see Erasure and the friends he went with.
Thier surgery was delayed because of a Dr. forgetting to put his vacation on the calendar - but it's still going to happen it looks like. He and I talked a little about the past also - started me to thinking ...

Maybe I should end this month with some retrospective thoughts about HIV and the changes it has made in my life. In essence tie things up in a nice bow for people and kind of just write my own 'best of the journals' here in the journals. Just pick a new topic each day and reflect and pull up examples.

Just a thought.

Getting ready to take MFIJ home for more meds - then get Greg - and head to Lawrence for Buffelo Bobs' and a Movie that isn't here in town that I wanted to see (Mind Hunters). Looking at things in my wallet though ... I may have to do some begging before I can leave because I don't think my savings account has the $60 in it I had planned to use for this little trip.

==== 20:00

MFIJ came along with Greg and I to Lawrence to eat at Buffelo Bob's and see "Mindhunters". The three of us had a good time.

Greg said something good that I wanted to relate. I was telling him about how I was looking up all the psychological side effects of so many of my 'illnesses' and medication and it's gotten to the point that I wonder if I feel something if it's real, or a symptom.
"Kind of like me and my Hypoglycemia. I often wonder if I'm gumpy or tired because of that or if it's me. Then I remember that Hypoglycemia is a part of me, so if I feel it, it's me." Greg said. *L* I swear, it's like he just pulls his brain out everyonce in a while to prove it still works, then puts it back so everyone can underestimate him some more.

We dropped MFIJ off at home, then came here because Greg hasn't seen Blade III since the theater. Then I'll take him home and go ... hopefully straight to bed.

Quick thought - I'm still a little upset at MFIJ for not telling me he was in the Hospital Monday.
I received my first letter from a reader - one that has written before ... kind of broke a rule, but brought up a valid point (one that my Brother also brought up when I talked to him).

Hi Bret,
NO DO NOT STOP THE JOURNAL!!!  I haven't read any updates yet.  Just saw the line about stopping and clicked the link.  So, I haven't read about the latest happenings.  I can only guess that the recent stuff with Scott has hit the fan.  I guess I'll find out when I read the updates.  I think you've answered your question about should you stop updating or not.  You recently posted the numbers of hits you recieve daily.  They were quite high for someone who does no advertising, marketing, etc.  This leads me to believe that alot of people read your journal for various reasons.  Again, I say journal not static web page.  This also leads me to believe that your journal is helping almost each and everyone of your readers in some way....some big and some small.  So, I guess you have to decide if you want to let the recent incidents affect your ability to continue to help others now and in the future by posting your journal updates.  Also, remember just because you don't see us (recieve constant emails) doesn't mean we're not out here... you have the hit counter to prove it.
Your friend in the midnight sun,
<Long time reader>

Then there was this in messenger this morning.

James (4:47:35 PM): Well well well
James (4:47:45 PM): I hope you continue to be strong and hope that you enjoy your life
James (4:47:50 PM): I can't be strong like you
James (4:47:58 PM): Buy this next Sunday's paper if you can
James (4:48:05 PM): It was fun while it lasted
James (4:48:37 PM): And I'm not sorry to anyone for anything and I am more selfless than anyone will ever realize
James (4:48:56 PM): I was fated to pass anyway
James (4:50:21 PM): I see it as killing the virus before it kills me
James (4:50:54 PM): If it can be ruthless so can I

misfitlife (4:37:05 AM): *sigh* sounds like a serious cry for help ...
misfitlife (4:37:32 AM): a) a virus is a virus - it has no brain or emotions, it isn't ruthless - just stupid.
misfitlife (4:37:52 AM): b) You are not stupid, never where
misfitlife (4:38:06 AM): c) you are not weak, never was
misfitlife (4:39:30 AM): d) You are the only one that can really know if you are selfless or not - and if you are about to do what you are alluding to, that is selfish - and no one ever will realize
misfitlife (4:42:35 AM): So what is this anyway? "He doesn't want to talk to me, so I'll make sure he's going to be sorry now." ... I also am not sorry for anything I have said or done or felt.
misfitlife (4:43:21 AM): but you do have my attention now ... talk if you want ~ try to save the life you haven't even lived yet.

Reason 1 never to commit Suicide : If you are thinking about ending your life, then you really have no idea what you are about to try and end. Rough translation, you haven't even lived yet.

Got to go to work - and I haven't slept much.

=== 13:00

I am home and getting ready to eat - then sleep. But I thought I might write some before hand. I think with my recent bout of thinking about it, and James threatening it ... suicide might be a good subject to write about - as in, I kind of like the idea of listing all the reasons NOT to.

Lets just see how many reasons I can list.
REASONS NOT TO COMMIT SUICIDE

1. If you are thinking about ending your life, then you really have no idea what you are about to try and end. Rough translation, you haven't even lived yet. - worst case senireo, fail on purpose so you can get some help and the cry for attention over and maybe you can actually have what a friend of mine called 'A near LIFE experience' and start living what you have been missing.
2. What exactly are you doing? Going to Heaven? Hell? Going to the next life? Just not existing any more?
   No one knows what is on the other side of Death. There are a lot of beliefs out there - None have been proven ... and pardon the irony or the pun, but God forbid - what if you happen to be wrong?
   A) IF you believe in Heaven and Hell, Suicide means you are going to Hell. - By diffinition, worse then anything you can even imagine ~ Are you sure you want to trade what you have for that?
   B) IF you believe in Reincarnation or Rebirth - they all say that whatever problem you can't solve in this life, you carry into the next life until you CAN solve it ~ Why not solve it now rather then prolonging this pain through another life ... I mean really, you think it's bad now, think about what it would be like after you have lived this problem over and over and over and over again.
   C) IF you believe that you just STOP and cease being - then what the hell have you solved? And by the way if you expect to gloat over how bad everyone feels now - How? You just ceased to exist.
   D) NOTHING says it will be easier or different after you die.
3. Suicide is a selfish thing. Seriously - who are you doing this for? It isn't for anyone else. It's for you. So selfish that you can't even reach out and ask for the help that you might need. There ARE people that care and can help you with ANYTHING - you just have to be able to find them - don't give up trying.
4. Do you really have any idea how hard it is to kill yourself, or anyone. I mean you are the victim AND the killer here. Murder is hard enough if can't remain detached - here you CAN'T.

That one is a hard line to define here. I'm also still really tired. I'm going to sleep now. Maybe I will do more of this later. I was hoping to be able to hit 5 to 10, and techinically I have 8. It's a good start and the ones that I have listed are the Biggest and best reasons I can think of.

==== 21:30

I woke up at 5:30 for meds. Scott bought Chinese for dinner. We watched "My Own Private Idaho" (Scott hadn't seen it before). I have to admit, I really relate even more with the frustration and loneliness of River Pheonix's character Mike. It is now bed time, so I'm getting ready to go there, but checked the computer for a couple of things - First:

James (6:42:47 PM): I'm positive James (6:42:57 PM): And am sorry James (6:45:50 PM): It was contracted rather recently....already have neuropathy and histiocytosis....the genetic disease and the virus have an intersting working relationship within my body misfitlife (9:10:05 PM): You're positive ... as in HIV positive misfitlife (9:14:35 PM): And this is 'working in unison' with your CGD misfitlife (9:15:23 PM): And you think that this gives you the right to kill yourself or even try to lay that kind of guilt trip on someone misfitlife (9:16:00 PM): let alone the one person in the world that you went out of your way to hurt and destroy and has an understanding of some of what you may be going through misfitlife (9:17:00 PM): I have to know two things before I can even consider trying to keep talking to you after this misfitlife (9:18:24 PM): 1) Where did you contract HIV (you say recent - am I going to be blamed for this infection or did you ignore everything I tried to teach you and do something you shouldn't have with someone else after me - and was it intentional?) misfitlife (9:19:55 PM): 2) When you came into town and tried to see me - you very mysteriously said you had come to town to 'see someone' ... who was that? Boyfreind, Doctor(s), freind(s) - who and why misfitlife (9:20:45 PM): I don't need names - but I do want reasons and some substainating details before I can believe any of this misfitlife (9:23:14 PM): You said you have changed - you said you have more wisdom - you said you would one day surprise me in a positive way .... I guess now is your chance misfitlife (9:23:56 PM): Better start coming clean about all of this - if not to me then at least to yourself misfitlife (9:24:24 PM): Confession is good for the soul - if you think you are going to end it, better wash that soul off first misfitlife (9:25:09 PM): and by the way "I see this as killing the virus before it kills me" ... uh, you die first, and the virus wins ... period. Your logic is flawed (again). misfitlife (9:26:46 PM): And before you even ask - YES, I am pissed and I have every right to be. For the way you left me, the way you treat me after, this guilt trip and the fact that what you are talking about now only proves once again - you never listened to anything I was saying when we where together. misfitlife (9:28:46 PM): *sigh* I don't want you to suffer, I don't want you to give up, and I certainly don't want you to die. And just because I am not currently fond of you, doesn't mean I don't care - so I do want to help misfitlife (9:31:33 PM): I took the afternoon off to catch up on the sleep I wasn't getting - so I'm going back to bed now. I hope to hear from you soon - next week ... no state job any more (pretty sure) so if you want, call in the afternoon - write a long e-mail - msg me when you are on ... you cried out for help ... here's the hand ... talk fast though - I'm not the man you dated before, I'm the pieces you left behind.

The other thing.

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Web Site Activity Report

Everything below this is sats for one page or another of the journal.
And I both make my point and the point of my Brother and my other Faithful reader.
The parts I would hope get more trafic and could really make a difference - are very low in the stats.
But in one month - I am getting more hits then I had thought I was. And I don't advertise.

Thoughts to think as I fall asleep with a belly full of Chicken Low Mein and Crab Rangoon.

I seem to keep getting these tickets for a guilt trip.

James (7:49:52 AM): 1) I contracted it from a female, who just happened to be a drug abuser, unbeknownst to me until near the end of the relationship.....2) At the point that I visited I didn't know my status and it was a guy with a nice personality and we didn't do much but I already informed him yesterday that he should be tested for the hell of it
James (7:50:54 AM): I don't know what to confess other than that every moment of life is like peering through oily liquid
James (7:51:38 AM): I don't know how to make up to you anything that I have done....and I WANT and DESERVE to suffer. That is what makes life beautiful
James (7:52:32 AM): I just don't know how anyone could help me....all I want is a therapist that will agree with my visions of hatred and hope against and for society...
misfitlife (1:17:49 PM): No one deserves to suffer - but far be it from me to sound like a hypocrite and tell you not to suffer if you want to. But if this is what you really want (to suffer) shouldn't you stay alive and see this through to the end?
misfitlife (1:18:43 PM): Good luck finding a Therapist willing to agree with your visions of hate and the idea that you should kill yourself. I don't think they are even allowed to - they would have to commit you the minute they take you seriously.
misfitlife (1:21:18 PM): A woman in a relationship - a Boy in Topeka with a nice personality that you didn't do much with but informed him he should be tested ... Damn, you are even more confused about yourself and your life then I remember.
misfitlife (1:23:46 PM): DROP the Suicide talk. FIND a therapist - I think that will really help. Slow yourself down before you spin off the outside of the wheel - seek the center. Once again, I will offer to let you call me any afternoon next week (it would be helpful if you let me know you are going to take me up on it so I can be home).
misfitlife (1:25:47 PM): Cry, yell, scream, write ... get it out of your system - it's like poison and it won't help you to keep it inside. ... my only other advise until we next 'talk' ... One Step at a Time.
James (3:30:09 PM): Obviously I have chosen to stay alive otherwise I wouldn't be here. My visions are of the rapture/salvation of society and not myself. Tomorrow I see whoever at the local neighborhood Positive Directions store and maybe they can "sell" me some services that are "free" in terms of therapy....I don't want group therapy, though. I want to keep it inside for as much as it motivates me to accomplish great and terrible things. I will call I guess next week ummm....thank you
James (3:33:59 PM): Already decided that I'll never have intercourse with anyone ever again much less allow them to be led to believe there is any hope for a relationship. It is the best way
James (3:35:43 PM): Sex truly was fruitless every time anyway
James (3:35:48 PM): No matter who it was
James (3:36:19 PM): I am just obviously of no value in that regard. Never was. Never will be. So be it.
misfitlife (7:57:30 PM): Well it would seem that you have finally pointed that stubborn streak toward life now instead of death - I'm happier. Call all you like, it's your dime.
misfitlife (7:58:55 PM): No arguement here about you being usless in the sex department from me - I'm just surprized that for as queer as I am - it was 'fruitless' ... (yes ... that was a JOKE!! )
misfitlife (8:00:38 PM): I hope you at least smiled - or rolled your eyes.
misfitlife (8:01:44 PM): Okay - until we talk next.

Mom bought me a psuedo cell phone today. I'll have to read through all the directions and get it to work, but it's kind of cool even though I said I never wanted to have one. It's a prepaid minutes phone. At least it will only have on it what I can use and quit after that. Mom was thinking more along the lines of when I travel and emergencies - but I am getting ready to go to KC for the weekend for 'Star Wars III' and coordinating a lot of people along the way. It might come in handy.

It is offical - no more State job after Friday. I can sleep in the afternoons now and work on other things.