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April Fools is Something that has to change.
No one has the BALLS or the BRAINS to figure this out and confront me with it.

I don't know what it is about me and trust. I just do it. That trust leads to other things. I've been telling you that there have been signs from God about renewing my hope - and in a way it's been working. I DON'T want to have hope about love again, but I keep finding out things about other people (Like the guy I work with that is gay and has been 'flirting' with me. That one of the guys I work with and I find attractive, likes a lot of the same things I do - including Movies and thinks a lot of the same things about the movies we have seen. Or even that MFIJ wants to try and set me up with someone (anyone it would seem) and I seriously don't think it's out of guilt or pity, he just wants to see me happy). A few days ago, I ran into someone I used to work with a long time ago. He gave me his number and asked me to call so we could catch up even more. Scott thinks he's gay - I don't. But when I talked to him, he invited me over and it began to sound more and more like a date. Am I going? Yes. Do I think anything will happen? I'd be lieing if I said I would love it if it did, and the thought is in the back of my mind, but I seriously don't think anything will happen and I am going to get over this feeling - even if it takes another year of crying myself to sleep every night. It almost makes me feel as if I could start dating again, and that it is possible to actually have options. That even one night stands are possible without humiliation and degradations. That maybe love is possible - for me - and that I could be happy. I almost believe it ... but the Fool is stepping off a cliff, and risking a fall that could kill him.

It's been an interesting day - and I just don't know how tomorrow is going to go ... mostly because I just don't think MFIJ has been paying enough attention to what I have said or done - and he continues to say we should do things, that I won't be able to do now.

Long stories short because it is actually after midnight and I want to sleep - especially since I really don't feel well and my blood sugar has been doing some fucked up shit ....
1) MFIJ has been drinking (not a lot, but drinking) and oddly enough ... hasn't been nice to me or said anything that would piss me off. Not about his drinking or about me. Does any of this make sense?
Let me put it this way - he hasn't been belligerent ... but he also hasn't been nice. So much for arguing his addictions, or hearing anything 'nice' from someone under the influence.
2) He had planned to take me bowling and try to set me up - this plan fell quickly to going to see 'Sin City' with me and his other friend. This didn't bother me, I want to see the movie also, and I like his friend. - But I did say earlier, follow through would matter some.
However, his friend had to work late. MFIJ's idea was then that he and I go to the movie and I pay, then he could take he and his friend tomorrow. (The logic here is that he had enough money to get tickets for the Three of us, and he wanted to because he feels he owes me and him something - but if we go tonight, and after he gets more cigarettes or such - he won't have enough money for the three of us any more).
I bought our tickets and borrowed $2 so we could get the large popcorn. He did watch me empty my wallet for this. I don't think it registered though and I think he still expects me to go with them tomorrow.
3) Scott and his 'fight' seems to be spilling over a little. I still actually plan to write a letter and post our conversation ... BUT
4) MFIJ is kind of pressuring me to finish so he can get on the computer and play chess on line and chat with people in his newly acquired yahoo identity - since I'm the only one with the program installed on a computer right now. He can still access his mail from his computer at home, but it's his parents computer and they don't want to put the program for chat on there ... yet. I feel somewhat obligated to let him - especially since I would much rather watch him spend his time chatting on line and playing chess then drinking, smoking, and just in general skirting the law around here. *sigh*
... just so everyone knows - I realize that I am an enabler - I am trying to be the best guidance I can for him - and he ISN'T like this all the time, it goes in cycles with his Bi-polar and does clean up completely for weeks at a time ... and as I have said, the gaps are getting shorter - I think the med's, the therapy and the positive examples of his friends (not just me) are helping.

Okay - I'm letting him on - I'm switching to paper for a rough draft which I will share later.
'nite.

Lost an hour, lost my mind ... but I'll speak it anyway.

Kooky (10:06:54 PM): ok....I hate to do this....but I need some advice
misfitlife (10:07:07 PM): shoot
Kooky (10:07:32 PM): I have no idea what I should do about this thing with Scott.....
Kooky (10:08:35 PM): I'm trying to understand....and I'm trying to be supportive....but I feel that he's just pushing me away
misfitlife (10:08:43 PM): I need more then that
Kooky (10:08:58 PM): he has talked to you about what happened, right?
Kooky (10:09:01 PM): last weekend?
misfitlife (10:09:58 PM): some
Kooky (10:11:58 PM): ugh....and now he's concerned that me talking to you about it is going to complicate things for him even more
Kooky (10:12:25 PM): what did he tell you?
misfitlife (10:13:59 PM): that you broke up, but are still friends and he was willing to do that
misfitlife (10:14:08 PM): and that you seemed to understand it
Kooky (10:14:39 PM): after a what I thought was a wonderful start to a wonderful weekend.....him meeting some of my family....and us talking about how he wanted to be down here to be with me.....he was job searching down here.....after a conversation my grandparents had with us.....mostly about *His Daughter*...and different options he might have in pursuing things with that.....
Kooky (10:14:50 PM): and after what seemed to be things still going really well.....
Kooky (10:15:03 PM): I wake up at 4:30 a.m....and he's sitting at the end of my bed
Kooky (10:15:14 PM): head down....and I KNEW something was wrong
Kooky (10:15:43 PM): I something along the lines of "baby....what's wrong?" and he replied with a "I need to talk"
Kooky (10:16:04 PM): I said okay.....and sat up.....and he proceeded to tell me that he felt he needed to leave
Kooky (10:16:32 PM): that he couldn't do this now.....and that he couldn't move down here....b/c of stuff he still needed to do for *His Daughter*.....and that being here would only hinder that
Kooky (10:16:56 PM): and that he didn't feel I should have to be burdened by the situation he was in that would take years to deal with
misfitlife (10:17:19 PM): yeah - what he told me
Kooky (10:17:23 PM): "not that I don't think you could handle it....but I don't think you should have to"
Kooky (10:17:39 PM): and yes...I understood him needing to take care of those things
misfitlife (10:17:43 PM): yeah - what he told me
Kooky (10:17:50 PM): and why he feels he can't live here
Kooky (10:18:07 PM): but he feels that he and I can't be together in the meantime
Kooky (10:18:22 PM): and THAT I don't understand.....I've tried.
Kooky (10:18:44 PM): and if that's how it has to be for us....then I'll do it.....he's worth that....we're worth that
Kooky (10:19:33 PM): I just voiced my concern tonight.....that I don't think he realizes how much I care....that I want to be there with him.....not to solve his problems for him....just to be there beside him while he does it
Kooky (10:19:53 PM): but it's "his" problem.....and "he'll" deal with it on his own
Kooky (10:20:05 PM): b/c that's how it works in his head
misfitlife (10:20:09 PM): okay - stop now
misfitlife (10:20:16 PM): here is what you don't understand
misfitlife (10:20:30 PM): he said he can't have you in his life now like that
misfitlife (10:20:40 PM): if you want to be a friend - then be that
misfitlife (10:20:52 PM): but a relationship can't work at this time for him until he deals
misfitlife (10:21:05 PM): you are adding pressure to him to deal with it and get back to you
misfitlife (10:21:09 PM): he can't do that
misfitlife (10:21:24 PM): he isn't pushing you away
misfitlife (10:21:38 PM): you are clinging to hard for what he needs right now and has tried to explain
Kooky (10:22:11 PM): but I'm not.....I just don't understand how he can still express to me the same feelings he did before (well...almost the same....just cut back some).....and then want us to just be friends....
Kooky (10:22:31 PM): THAT doesn't make sense to me
Kooky (10:23:23 PM): I do just want to be there for him
Kooky (10:24:01 PM): I realize we can't be what we both want right now.....I accept that
Kooky (10:24:37 PM): and this is why I wanted to just keep my mouth shut until my thoughts had passed for the night.....
Kooky (10:25:02 PM): I'm only making things more complicated for him.....and I wish I knew how to not do that.....and still be there
misfitlife (10:25:35 PM): BUT - you aren't accepting it - and you are dragging me into it - and you aren't talking to Scott - and you are thinking more about what you want rather then what he needs
misfitlife (10:25:40 PM): he doesn't want to hurt you
misfitlife (10:25:44 PM): he does care
misfitlife (10:25:49 PM): this is hard for him
Kooky (10:25:53 PM): he won't talk to me
misfitlife (10:26:05 PM): but in the long run - you are talking to the wrong person about all of this
misfitlife (10:26:13 PM): you will have to wait until he wants to talk
Kooky (10:26:14 PM): I want advice
Kooky (10:26:22 PM): that's all
misfitlife (10:26:25 PM): I JUST GAVE IT TO YOU
misfitlife (10:26:47 PM): *sigh* Look
misfitlife (10:27:06 PM): you are not prepared to listen, and I am up 2 hours past my bed time
misfitlife (10:27:11 PM): I have to work in the morning
misfitlife (10:27:17 PM): SLEEP ON IT
misfitlife (10:27:29 PM): maybe we can talk later but I have to sleep now
Kooky (10:27:39 PM): thanks for your advice....I'm sorry for keeping you up
misfitlife (10:27:51 PM): you are not the only thing keeping me up
misfitlife (10:27:56 PM): web page stuff
misfitlife (10:28:04 PM): only reason I am still sitting here
misfitlife (10:28:10 PM): but I am giving up for the night
misfitlife (10:28:58 PM): sleep well - wait for him to talk and tread GENTLY - be a friend, not a clinging ex-girlfriend that wants him to get his shit together so you can have another go at it.
Kooky (10:29:36 PM): that's not what I want.....and that's not what I'm trying to accomplish....I hope you understand that.....
Kooky (10:29:58 PM): goodnight....

*These last two lines I received in the morning - she sent them after I had left the computer and gone to bed.*

*Kooky*,

At the time I write this, it is my understanding that you and Scott have talked again, but once again it ended badly.
I've been meaning to write this since our cat on Friday but haven't had the chat on Friday but haven't had the time until now.

First, I want to apologize for being tactless and brutally blunt. I was tried and not feeling overly well (to much caffeine and my blood sugar has been fluctuating) but these are excuses and in no way make the behavior acceptable. But I also want to be clear that I am apologizing for HOW I said things – not WHAT I SAID.

The point of this letter is to say those things in the way they should have been said, and hopefully in a way that gives you some insight and help – the advice that you requested.

“If you love something, let it go.
If it come back it is yours, If it doesn't it never was.”

Cliché, but true.

If you go back over our conversation I think you will notice – You were not actually asking for advice on what to do; you where asking for a way to make Scott “Love” you again.

Not I, nor anyone else in the universe can do this. Let go of the idea because it is impossible.
In this world you are only allowed to know one thing … Yourself.
You can only be responsible for the thoughts and feelings of one person … again … Yourself.

I have no doubt about your feelings for Scott – but I do not know them. The same is true for Scott.
I can only talk and counsel you from what I know – it is all I have and all I am responsible for. I know only what you have told me and what I have experienced. This however means I do NOT have the whole picture – and I never will.
This leads to my next cliché.

“Advice is easy to give, because you don't have to live with the consequences.”

This stands to reason that advice is hard to take, because you DO have to live with the consequences. But have to live with the consequences of everything you do every day – including the advice you do or don't take. What the other person does, is not my responsibility … or concern.

So, Here is my two cents worth – spend it as you want.

It's all in a hug.

Watch people hug. Notice how you hug different people in different ways.
I know you have hugged people – I've seen it, and received it.
My advice to you is to become conscience of your hugs and then apply it to the rest of your life.
Who do you hug? Why do you hug them? When do you hug? Where do you hug? How are they different from person to person (including the duration and the “grip” (arms over or under or both, lose, tight, back patting etc. – Everything) it's all important.)
Here is the other thing to pay particular attention to … When do you let go?

Every hug ENDS. There might be another one soon … but you never know.

My Advice -
You can only open your arms and wait. This is all you can be responsible for – the OFFER. It is up to the other person to accept and you have NO CONTROL over it. Trust me, I know it might hurt if you aren't hugged back. I've had my arms open long enough to feel like Christ on the Cross. But that was his point also – you can only OFFER love, it is up to the other to accept it. Hugs will end – either by you, by them, or mutually (and which do you think people return to?)

Two shiny new pennies, no need for change – you now have my thoughts.

Best Wishes,
Bret
MiSfI+

*This was CC:ed to Scott as well - just so that I am not speaking behind anyone's back.*

Next - the Election. The Amendment is coming up for another round of elections. It was defeated the first time I don't understand why it is coming up again. Evidently this one is going to be worded much more specifically for the issue of Marriage and Marriage alone. A woman I work with gave me a pamphlet from her Church (Which I will quote from in moments) that points out the wording they intend to use will cause A LOT of rights and privileges in Marriage to be LOST ... by they way, I'm pointing out now, 'Gay' Marriage is still illegal and not recognized in current law - this doesn't change with the amendment. But rights and privileges that current and existing Mar rages enjoy will change (Currently, only Heterosexual Mar rages exist to be affected).
VOTE NO - to protect marriage. If this one passes, I will laugh hysterically because the Christian right will have cut there own throat and given gays an edge to the rights they want ... since those rights have been reduced to what can already get.

Because of recent actions by the Kansas Legislature, Kansans will vote on a constitutional amendment on April 5th. It will amend Article 15 of the Kansas Constitution by adding a new section, which reads as follows:

"§ 16. Marriage. (a) The marriage contract is to be considered in law as a civil contract. Marriage shall be constituted by one man and one woman only. all other marriages are declared to be contrary to the public policy of this state and are void.
"(b) No relationship, other than a marriage, shall be recognized by the state as entitling the parties to the rights or incidents of marriage."

Will the amendment Change Kansas?
NO. Section (a) will have NO EFFECT on Kansas. Kansas law already defines marriage as a union between a one man and one woman.
If we vote yes, will "gay marriage" be legal?
NO. Same-gender marriage has been illegal in Kansas since 1867. The laws defining marriage have held up to a great deal of legal scrutiny and are in no danger of being overturned.
Will the amendment protect the sanctity of Marriage?
NO. Currently Kansas laws refer to the marriage ceremony as "a civil ceremony or a religious sacrament" (§23-101). while the proponents say this amendment would "protect the sanctity," the amendment says on it s face that marriage is only a civil Contract. Thus raising legal issues as to why churches are involved in such contracts at all.

And I'll point out right now - Gays can enter into a Civil Contract, there are many kinds which are not defined as 'Marriage'.

The "hidden agenda" of Section (b)
Section (b) is an unprecedented attack on the rights of Kansans. It takes away your right to be enter into any private relationship that does not meet the extremists' definition of marriage.
Independent legal scholars have said that section (b) will leave Kansas courts unable to enforce any agreements between partners, including heterosexuals, who are unmarried.
This ban on all relationships other then marriage is a dangerous attack on the basic rights of all Kansans, gay or straight.

What Section (b) does:

• Potentially limits pension benefits to senior citizens living together.
• Limits unmarried couples seeking to jointly own property.
• Limits unmarried couples from receiving health benefits in domestic partner plans.
• Limits unmarried individuals from adopting children.
• restricts governmental bodies in Kansas using tax dollars to give official status, recognition and benefits to homosexuals and other heterosexual relationships that see to imitate marriage, e.g., common law marriage.

The Unintended Consequences
In other states, similar language of section (b) has had the following results:

In Utah, section (b) language is used to deny "Protection from Abuse" restraining orders to unmarried heterosexual victims of domestic violence.
In Michigan, the state cancelled provisions of a previously negotiated contract with a union that provided health benefits to partners of state workers.
In Ohio, unmarried heterosexual couples are having problems exercising medical power of attorney. The Ohio courts have interpreted the amendment to bar any unrelated person from having medical power of attorney for there partners, including unmarried heterosexuals.
*Here is another example of this - Say you know someone with no immediate family - no siblings or parents (which is more common then you might think for any number of reasons). He has a living will which grants his best friend power of attorney over his medical and legal affairs. And when I say 'Best Friend' this could be anyone, a surrogate father or mother that they goes to for advice, the friend male or female they turn to for everything, a lawyer they have assigned to handle any affairs they have outlined to them ... endless possibilities for the person and the choices made. Because they are not 'married' or a blood relative, they could not exercise the legal rights they had been assigned. Worst case scenario, some 'blood relative' is found - maybe a second cousin twice removed - that has probably never even met the individual, and is now being asked to make decisions about his estate. Best case scenario, the State and Doctors make the decisions for him (and probably under rules of cost efficiency).*

States that have passed marriage amendments have all seen increased rates of hate crimes against individuals because of the perceived or true sexual orientation of the victim.

And lastly - my favorite part of this pamphlet because they used something that I have said so frequently - I have existing images to help represent them.

Does Voting "NO" mean that I approve of same-gender marriage or that I have to accept homosexuality? NO. These topics are being discussed, debated, and in some instances, fought, within most Christian denominations, as well as within other faith traditions. There is value in these kinds of theological discussions occurring within our varied faith traditions. It is pretty easy to "Pick off" gay and lesbian Kansans, but what abut when "they" come after something or someone who is dear to you? There is a fundamentalist Christian agenda at work in Kansas that may be easier to ignore when the targets are a group of people about whom you may have mixed or negative feelings. Do not wait for this movement to impact you directly - act now. Passing this amendment will not stop with gay and lesbian Kansans. Jerry Johnston, senior pastor at Overland Park's First Family Church, was quoted on AP on 02/07/2005 as saying "A thousand Kansas pastors realize we can now multiply ourselves and get things done." Whether there are 3 or 300, fundamentalist Christian preachers should not be using there own religious beliefs to create State of Kansas policy about marriage, or anything else. Church and State should be separate!

Who will be next? Remember the following words:

MFIJ and Scott must have asked me about a hundred times apiece if I was okay over the weekend. I'm tired of hearing it, and I'm sure my answer was getting just as annoying to them - "Nothing new is wrong. I'm still Fine."
At 8 o'clock I had to kick MFIJ off the computer and tell him he had to go home so I could get some sleep and go to work. He actually had the balls to ask if I would take him home long enough to get a change of clothes and his med's and stay here longer because he wanted to chat more on-line.

Kooky (6:52:58 PM): internet has been acting up again, but I did get your e-mail read this morning....
Kooky (6:53:59 PM): and I'm sure you'll hear about it all soon if you haven't already.....that I did it....I let him go....to do whatever he needs to do.
Kooky (6:56:40 PM): I quoted the lovely quote....and I said "you're free of me, scott. I shall fight this battle alone...I wish you the best of luck on your journey. I do hope your path brings you back to me someday. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Be well...You know where to find me if your heart leads you there. I am sorry it has come to this. I'll love you always. 'say goodnight...not goodbye' *kiss* goodnight"
Kooky (6:56:49 PM): those were all of my messages to him
Kooky (6:57:13 PM): and I hope you don't mind me asking you every once in a while about how he's doing. I think I'd rather him not know
Kooky (6:57:31 PM): and I mean, that I would rather him not know that I'm asking about him.
Kooky (6:58:11 PM): I think it's best that he just continues thinking I'm away....not that he won't have suspicions of it....and I don't want it to be lied about or anything.....just that he doesn't need to know unless he inquires
Kooky (6:58:39 PM): and if I didn't think that he really needed this...I wouldn't be able to do it
Kooky (6:59:06 PM): but I think this is the only way he and I will ever have a possible chance at being happy together.
Kooky (7:12:22 PM): and I know that forcing it wasn't going to make him happy.....
Kooky (7:12:40 PM): and I'm fighting my gut feeling....that tells me to just hang on as hard as I can
Kooky (8:42:49 PM): did you get all of my messages I left?
misfitlife (8:43:05 PM): yes I did
misfitlife (8:43:20 PM): I don't mind talking to you - but I'm not going to be your spy on Scott
Kooky (8:43:33 PM): ok....I just wanted to make sure
Kooky (8:43:39 PM): heavens no....I wouldn't want that
Kooky (8:43:51 PM): I'd just like to know that he's doing okay
misfitlife (8:44:26 PM): You have to ask him - I'm not at liberty to assume anything about anyone else other then myself.
misfitlife (8:45:04 PM): If you want me to ask him for you - I guess I could do that ... but you should just try to message him every once in a while and just ask him what you want to know
Kooky (8:45:30 PM): I'm just saying....from time to time....I'd like to know how he's doing....do you think it would make matters worse for me to do that, though?
misfitlife (8:46:21 PM): Your actions - your consequences
misfitlife (8:46:27 PM): I'm not ...
misfitlife (8:46:57 PM): Look - I just got out of a rough weekend of watching MFIJ used drugs and drink beer and use my computer to chat with anyone else but me
misfitlife (8:47:11 PM): I'm not in the mood to play counselor with anyone
misfitlife (8:47:24 PM): My advise is the same as it ever was
misfitlife (8:47:34 PM): want to know something about Scott - ask Scott
Kooky (8:48:00 PM): ok....well, I didn't mean to bother you....and you're free to message me anytime if you ever need to talk
misfitlife (8:49:06 PM): thanks - but I'd rather not take my frustrations out on others.
misfitlife (8:49:20 PM): I've always been that way ... and nothing has changed in that respect.
Kooky (8:49:59 PM): okay....just letting you know the offer is there....I've said it before, as well....so you know....and I won't need to remind you anymore

And not that they know it happened, but Greg called to see if I was home and said he would drop by as soon as his laundry finished, and I told him to skip it - and practically hung up on him.
"Tired?" he asked.
"Something like that." I respond.
"Are you okay?"
"I'll see you later."
"Okay." he said, and I hung up the phone.

=== 13:30

Work was work. A regular Monday with my last Trainee calling me from the other store.
My Blood sugar is still being wacky. It's starting to bother me that I can't control it like I have been.

=== 20:30

I could barely stay awake most of the night at my State job. I had about 6 pepsi's to stay awake, and of course they are only kicking in now.
I'm sure I can sleep anyway. About to take my glucose reading and see just how F'ed up it is now. Eat something and go to bed.

Scott and I had a long talk last night about my mood and this last weekend. He was happy about the decision I've made about next weekend but for slightly different reasons.
I unfortunately don't have the time to go into it all now - like I said it was a long talk.
Here is the gist of it all though:
Two Jobs, a lack of sleep and a shit load of caffeine are effecting me.
MFIJ did a lot this weekend to use and abuse me, and I'm not even sure he is aware of it.
I am still alone, and wanting - and still unable to fix this.

I need to vote today.
I need to try and talk to MFIJ.
The decision by the way - he isn't coming by this weekend. Maybe we both need some time off to figure things out.

==== 21:00

Came home and talked to Brian (T) then sent two e-mails.

To : Greg Subject : Best times to come by

Hey Greg,

Don't take this the wrong way - but the best times to come by for a while are not to.
Feel free to e-mail me anything at any time, but right now I need some time to myself.
*MFIJ* gave me a really hard weekend last weekend - this weekend I am going to Lawrence to see Brian and Stacy in a Capioria show.
The good news is - they believe our last day at the state will be May 14 - Star Wars comes on the May 19 I think - we could make plans for that if you like.

Take care,
see you in about a month or maybe for Lunch if you are working when I'm hungry.
L8+r
MiSfI+
Bret

 

To : MFIJ Subject : Plans for this weekend

Hey MFIJ,

I know you don't like really long messages so I'll keep this short.
Two Jobs and a shit load of caffeine are making me really grouchy.
I feel as if you abused my time and company last weekend and cant really figure out if it was you or just my really bad mood.
Regardless, I'm going to take this weekend off from us and just hope you get to spend some more time with *your other Friend* for a change and maybe follow through on some of your promises to him (like have you taken him to see Sin City yet?).

Call me if you want to talk about this some.
You are still my friend and I'm not pissed, I'm just trying to make sure I keep it that way.
Talk to you later,
Bret
MiSfI+

Brian is going to put the tickets in the mail, and I'll pay him when I get there. I told him to send me two because I mentioned it to Scott and he would like to go. I get paid on Thursday and Friday - so it shouldn't be any problem. Hell, I even got my check from the Federal Gov. - now I can pay the State.

My mother just asked me not to gloat - but I am.
A record HIGH of 25% of registered Voters (usually in a non-presidential election it's about 10%) PASSED the marriage amendment by a ratio of 3 to 1.
Hetero's of Kansas, you just screwed yourselves.
Especially if you are unmarried (Specifically Common Law Married persons).
I feel sorry that religious leaders no longer have the 'power' to marry - only perform a ceremony ... and by the way, a little boy in the play ground has as much power of ceremony as a preacher in the eyes of the law - ONLY a Judge can legally Marry someone with the signed documents of the 'civil contract'.

I said I would laugh if this passed. I'm laughing.
They just took away from themselves everything 'we' (Homosexuals) have been fighting for - except the ability to Marry.
I guess in a way that's fair. If you want these 'privileges' you HAVE to marry. Now all we have to do is fight for the right to Marry again.

Okay - I have to get to the bank and a restaurant - then the Dentist and work. Yeah!

===== 21:00

Okay - if anyone ever wants to know how I handle counseling"affairs of the heart" - here it is.

Kooky (8:46:53 PM): so I'm officially insane....and I'm going to bother you again....so roll your eyes...or curse me....or whatever....
Kooky (8:47:11 PM): what's going on with Scott?
misfitlife (8:47:26 PM): okay
misfitlife (8:47:58 PM): I think you would have to ask Scott - we talked about this before. You want to know something about Scott - ask Scott - not me.
misfitlife (8:48:15 PM): Other wise I would have to ask - what specifically are you wanting to know
Kooky (8:48:39 PM): I have....I'm asking you what you think is going on with him.....is this normal for him?
misfitlife (8:48:55 PM): because if it's about you coming down this weekend - I'd say that it's because you are continuing to cling to something you don't have
Kooky (8:49:04 PM): and do you think I'm wrong for caring this much?
Kooky (8:49:13 PM): haha....it's not about that
misfitlife (8:49:17 PM): I don't think it's wrong to care
misfitlife (8:49:39 PM): but - to continue to 'bother' someone that doesn't care back is just torture
misfitlife (8:49:46 PM): trust me, I've done it
Kooky (8:50:06 PM): I don't understand how he could truly not care.....that doesn't make sense to me
misfitlife (8:50:07 PM): Greg, Devin, Zam, *This list would have been much longer if she hadn't already started to respond*
Kooky (8:50:20 PM): do you reall think he doesn't care?
misfitlife (8:50:43 PM): okay - here is what you need to understand ... you care - this you know.
misfitlife (8:50:55 PM): You want him to care, but you have no control
misfitlife (8:51:25 PM): if you ask me - he cares, but the problem is he DOESN'T LOVE *you - is what I meant* and that is what you want and can't deal with
Kooky (8:51:42 PM): so you don't think he loves me?
misfitlife (8:51:56 PM): not the way you want.
Kooky (8:52:31 PM): that isn't the question....and you of all people should know that you aren't me and don't know what I want of him....
Kooky (8:52:42 PM): above all, I'm worried about him
Kooky (8:53:07 PM): I'm confused....everything changed so fast....and that doesn't make sense to me
misfitlife (8:53:11 PM): Okay - let me put it this way. You are asking things of him that he is NOT willing to do and he has told you as much. Yet you persist
misfitlife (8:53:20 PM): This is pissing him off and making him angry
misfitlife (8:53:34 PM): And somehow you think this will endear him to you?
Kooky (8:53:39 PM): what am I persisting on exactly?
Kooky (8:54:05 PM): I'm not begging him to be with me.....or begging him to love me....
misfitlife (8:54:15 PM): Yes ... you are
Kooky (8:54:18 PM): no, I'm not
misfitlife (8:54:57 PM): Okay - I'm done with this conversation because I have seen much of what you have been asking him from yahoo - and he's been reading me the other half.
misfitlife (8:55:01 PM): You are
misfitlife (8:55:05 PM): Bottom line
misfitlife (8:55:27 PM): You want to come down here - he said no - and you are trying to argue your way down
Kooky (8:55:43 PM): but not because of ME
misfitlife (8:55:43 PM): what exactly do you think your being here will accomplish?
Kooky (8:55:45 PM): because of him
misfitlife (8:56:16 PM): Wrong again - He has told you what he needs. You don't know what it is - you are arguing over what you want - to be here.
misfitlife (8:56:35 PM): YOU want to Be here for HIM.
misfitlife (8:56:44 PM): but he doesn't want you here
misfitlife (8:57:01 PM): That means you are arguing for what YOU want.
Kooky (8:57:38 PM): I haven't argued it.....I've just asked at different times....
misfitlife (8:58:11 PM): The answer was no - you ask again, the answer is no - this is persistence in the face of what you have been told
misfitlife (8:58:55 PM): and once again, I point out I've seen much of what you have typed and Scott's responses. You are arguing with him.
misfitlife (8:59:27 PM): If you CAN'T see this, you have a WHOLE NEW PROBLEM with Scott
Kooky (9:01:01 PM): do you think that this is my fault....in your honest opinion?
misfitlife (9:01:03 PM): Remember the hug ... You can't chase some one around with your arms open and hope to catch them.
misfitlife (9:01:07 PM): Yes
misfitlife (9:01:50 PM): You want to be a friend that means stand there with your arms open and wait - not bother or remind or any thing else but WAIT.
misfitlife (9:02:27 PM): You say you understand but then persist with the same attitudes and actions.
Kooky (9:02:32 PM): ok....I appreciate your thoughts and your opinions....I'm sorry for bothering you....
misfitlife (9:03:07 PM): I am sorry
Kooky (9:03:37 PM): I know....and I'm sorry, too....I'm just very confused....and hurt.....
misfitlife (9:03:52 PM): I understand and can sympathize with the hurt
misfitlife (9:04:00 PM): but here is another catch 22
misfitlife (9:04:23 PM): If you really LOVE Scott - that means you will do ANYTHING to make him happy --
misfitlife (9:04:43 PM): -- including leave him alone and never come back if that is what he says he wants
misfitlife (9:05:19 PM): It hurts, and I've been there for it myself - but that is what LOVE means - their happiness over yours.
Kooky (9:06:06 PM): it's just so hard to accept that how I felt is going to waste.....I found what I was looking for in someone....and that it's somehow come to this.....
misfitlife (9:06:43 PM): What you felt never went to WASTE - You felt it, and it was for you.
misfitlife (9:06:55 PM): And you learn from it.
misfitlife (9:07:00 PM): That is life.
Kooky (9:07:16 PM): I know....it's just hard to not feel it's a waste right now.....I don't really think it's a waste
Kooky (9:07:48 PM): I don't regret anything....this happened for some insane reason.....
misfitlife (9:08:15 PM): No snowflake falls in an inappropriate place
misfitlife (9:08:31 PM): now ... shovel the walk so you can get to the car and move on with your life.
*I actually thought she had given up talking at this point. Btw' She was STILL messageing Scott during this conversation and during this gap.*
Kooky (9:17:06 PM): thanks for all the advice....and the knowledge....and the brief and limited friendship we shared....but I feel that it's probably best if I say goodbye to you, too, at this point.....I'll only torture myself if I try to stay in contact with you......I can't imagine it's a HUGE loss.....but I hope it was pleasant enough at times
Kooky (9:17:20 PM): I'm glad he has you.....and I wish you both the best of luck
misfitlife (9:17:43 PM): Thanks - the same to you
Kooky (9:18:46 PM):

I'm down on Sleep because my Blood Sugar was playing tricks on me all day and I had to stay up to eat, and play counselor.
This also however lead to Scott saying something that got me a lot closer to understanding what that Politics card meant - and it disturbs me.
No time to talk about it now, but I'm sure it will still be bothering me later today.

===== 13:10

Yup, still bothering me.

Last night amid all the argueing, Scott had a bit of an insight that he decided to share with me. Glad that he did, just wish I hadn't have been stupid enough to ask the question that involved me - and at least I stopped and didn't ask the next question because the answers to that one could have made things worse.
14:20
... Jeez ... this just got worse for me.

Okay - quick because now I have to get to work soon.
One of Scott's revealations was that he likes pain, other peoples pain and he want to put himself in the way of it to help them.
I asked if that is why he thinks he's freinds with me.
"Oh diffinately." He said. I just kind of froze. It was after quite a gap of time when I began to move the cards in Solataire again that he said, "By far it isn't the only reason, but it's a factor." I saw the 'back door' and was quickly shown back to the front. I didn't ask what the other reasons where.
I didn't even want to take the chance of hearing something along the lines of 'you support me when I don't have a job' or any other form of being able to take advantage of me with no problems. The conversation had taken a turn toward pain being very intamate and he liked sharing that with people ... but I don't think he does share my pain, he just watches it. ... Which I guess is the sexual/intimate difference between us - with a woman, he takes an active interest in trying to fix it, with a man he just watchs it or inflicts it.
*Sigh*

Now, he just came home "High as a Kite".
I can't deal.

Griffin also called to Vent some. He and Ray are not on level ground right now.

It's all fucked up and I'm getting more and more lost by the minute.
I need to leave right now so I don't have to listen to this giggleing man as he continues to argue with his 'ex' over something else that happened this morning.
I'm not involved and I don't want to be. ... not really sure if the friendship is something I understand any more either.

Have to get out of here now and get my check deposit and get to work.

Don't want to go to work. My trainee this week is someone that I have had before, and didn't want to learn then - because he is a manager and keeps wandering off when ever he wants. He doesn't have the mentality or dedication it would take to run a back room the way it should be. He's a shaky support at best.

Still not in a good mood.
Think I'm worrying Scott - but that should make him happy since he likes being intimate with others pain.
Guess it's good to know I can make someone happy by being miserable.

That is so unfair to Scott ... and me. I really need to stop.
Maybe I'll be able to talk to him about it on the trip to Lawrence to see Brian and Stacy in the Caporia show.

I need to go to work now.
==== 21:00

I really hate my current trainee. He's a manager, with a manager mentality ("I already know this, and I don't have to stay here and learn it.") He keeps wandering off to talk to others in management, boasting to them that he's learning - for the Second time (because this is actually the second time I have trained this guy - he had the same problem then. He thinks he forgot it all because he doesn't use it - he never knew it.)

I came home and took Scott to Lunch. I was having a chinese craving. Partly for the fortune cookie. ... I'm doomed.

Your happiness is intertwined
with your outlook on life.

For the first time in a long time, a joke caused hysteria again.
The first time was when my Mother was nagging me with all kinds of questions, worry and over-protectivness and I said "You're killing me here." and she broke out crying thinking I meant literally.
Today, one of my co-workers at the State asked me how I was. (And I note, I have been grumpy all around, and very tired, and I have worked with this woman for several years now).
"The Doctor's say I'll live." I said with a smile.
"Oh my god, was that a concern? Is that you have been so grumpy? Is everything alright!?" It all came out of her mouth in a rush before I could even roll my eyes and stop her saying,
"JOKE! I'm fine."

I think somewhere about then I began to laugh inside again, and soon smile a little outside - and just get over being in a rotten mood ... despite all the crap that happened today (including having my ATM card 'eaten' by the machine because it had 'expired' and I haven't received a new one in the mail today - took care of that before going into 2nd job).
Which is good, because MFIJ finally read his E-Mail and called me confused and asked me to call him when I got home.
I did, I just got off the phone with him. We talked for about a half hour, and got everything off our chest and worked a lot of things out. It's his sisters wedding next weekend and he will be out of town for that. So we have made plans to get together the weekend after and go over all the pictures he plans to take and tell me all about the fun I missed out on.

Now, I am about to work on one other project (which I think will work out better now that some of my humor is returning); but I am going to leave you with this other fantastic e-mail full of information, links and ... stuff.

SHAWN'S E-NEWSLETTER Feb-April 2005

GREETINGS! (from www.aboyagirlavirus.com)

The semester is coming to an end, and we'd like to thank everyone for bringing us to their campus this year.  Also, a big hello and gracias to everyone who has joined this e-newslist, we really appreciate your support!


NEWS ON THE MEDICAL FRONT

In January I decided to take a break from my meds.  The plan was simple; monitor my labs and make sure my pet virus didn't try something funny.  After a month my T Cell count had dropped from 450 to 350 but my viral load was still undetectable.  I was going back in a few weeks to recheck the labs, so no biggie.  I was concerned but not alarmed.

Well, last week my body fell apart and I ended up in the hospital for 4 days.  Something inside was eating up my platelets like Pac-Man, which made bleeding the number one concern.  Also, my T Cell count was checked and it had bottomed out at 150... yikes!  

Needless to say, we were alarmed.

For four days they basically they pumped me full of stuff (platelets & factor 8 for clotting), put me on steriods, and started me on a new set of HIV meds on April Fool's Day, how appropriate.  Thursday I went in, Sunday I got out.    On Tuesday I had labs done, and my platelets are on the rise (107,000, they were below 10,000 when I went into the hospital) so it looks like I'm out of the woods.  The HIV numbers should improve as I continue treatment.

The whole ordeal is written on my Live Journal page, so feel free to check out more of what happened (I'm still writing about the disaster/excitement).  
http://www.livejournal.com/users/positoid

NOTE: Ross Szabo of CAMPUSPEAK fame has suggested that, due to the steroid use, I should be stripped of my CAMPUSPORT Bowling Championship.  If you see him at a conference, tell him he is wrong! ;O)

BOOK NEWS
I've gotten some really incredible feedback in regards to My Pet Virus, the book-in-progress.  The good news is... it looks like I have an agent!  One person in particular has taken a serious interest, and by all means it looks like we will be working together to find the book a home.  I'm really excited, and more details will follow as they happen.  

Check out www.mypetvirus.com for book news as it develops!


CAMPUSPEAKING
WE NEED YOU!
We're in the process of revamping our CAMPUSPEAK materials, and we're looking for new quotes from students on how our program affected attitudes about HIV/AIDS.  If you'd like to help us, send a few sentences to:
comments@aboyagirlavirus.com
If anyone is interested in bringing us to their school, please contact Dan Kennedy (dan@campuspeak.com) at CAMPUSPEAK for more information.  Email or call 303-745-5545, phone lines are open!
www.campuspeak.com

Or please feel free to email us any questions you have as well! shawn@aboyagirlavirus.com & gwenn@aboyagirlavirus.com


CHECK IT OUT
One of our positoid e-news members, Erika, was featured in the April 2005 issue of Self Magazine which is still on stands.  Pick up a copy (look for Molly Sims on the cover).  
Like Gwenn and I, Erika is in a loving, sero-diverse relationship with her hunky husband Robert.  She's the positoid, he's the negatoid, and they rock.  So check it out!


RECENT STUDY ON VIRGINITY PROMISES

When I was 15, I swore that Depeche Mode would always be my favorite band.  It's one of the few convictions that has stuck with me over the last 14 years.  A recent eight year study concluded that "virginity promises" made by teens are not always what they appear, and can prove far more tricky than keeping a poster on your bedroom wall.
Check out this re-posted article: http://www.visioncircle.org/archive/003607.html


TAKE CARE
Hope everyone has been having a good 2005 thus far!  There shouldn't be as much drama between now and next month (hopefully).  So see you on the next E-Newsletter!

*BIG SAFE POSITOID HUGS*
Shawn
www.aboyagirlavirus.com
www.mypetvirus.com
www.positoid.com
www.livejournal.com/users/positoid
www.myspace.com/mypetvirus

Barely the 9th - and because it's late I will only write the two things on my mind right now.

I went to our new theater and saw 'Sahara'. The Movie was good. Leave it to Topeka to build a second rate theater that is barely a step up from what we already have.

Just finished watching my DVD copy of 'Zebrahead'. It amazes me that it is still as topical and relevant today as it was in 1992 when it was made. It bothers me that it's taken about 15 to 20 years to try and make the same point.
Then it dawned on me, I'm in a fight for recognition of the facts for something that has been with us for 25 to 30 years now and is only just starting to be talked about with any intelligence.
Then it dawned on me. "Othello" ... Shakespeare.

how long do we have to try and make the same message heard?

I had a really great day with Scott in Lawrence. The Caporia show was good and Scott liked it. We didn't get to see much of Brian and Stacy since they where very busy with the show and all the visiting guests they had. We did have dinner with them at Chipolte's.
Scott and I had a lot of very long talks. Everything from Faith and 'God' to Relationships, and just how fucked up we are.

When I got home, Greg had left a message on the machine about maybe coming by - I guess he hasn't checked his e-mail yet. I sent him another one.

I'm starting to lose some of my enthusiasm. I should think about bed, but I'm not physically tired.
Think I'll watch a movie with some food and then go to bed.

Things that have stuck with me overnight.

I was telling Scott on the way home the other day, that there is a hole in my life, which is how everyone seems to slip in - but it's the same way they slip out.

I watched "My Life" last night. Two quotes from the film.
"Dying is a lousy way to learn about living." Something that I have been saying to people for a long time - even before HIV.

I don't know if I'm quoting this one exactly, but he was talking about how he met his wife. "And I realized I liked her, and that maybe if I just kept liking her, I could learn to love."
I think that is what I have been doing, and tears me up even more. I love the people around me. Maybe I just keep holding on to the idea that if they like me long enough, they will love me ... and that love will lead to what I really want which is someone that is romantically and intimately there for me. And all but that last step seems to be true.

==== 22:00

Yep, and I found myself doing it again tonight.
He likes me, and I know he doesn't love me, but I want to get to know him better, just hang out and have a good time ... and maybe I will like him even more, and he would realize that I am worth loving.
It was this way from the beginning. Shawn M. I stuck around for 2 years and watched him go through about 3 relationships, before he realized (and even said) "You have always been there." And he decided to try it. Happiest 2 years of my life and I really tried to work through the last 6 months ... but I wasn't ready - and he was addicted then.
But as I realized what I was doing tonight ... I coupled it with the next thought that has been coming up -
"I don't have the time for this any more. I'll be gone before he realizes - I am worth it; was worth it; would have been worth it ..."

So, that leaves me alone, with a hole in my life - in my heart - a little tunnel for everyone that wants to get to know me to come in, and fall out of. *L* Love flows through me.

Weather was kind of cruddy today. All of my vendors where complaining about it. I came up with my 'quote of the day'.
"This is the kind of day when it's GREAT to be ALIVE!!" I said. I would always get some kind of disbelief or comment that I was crazy until I pointed out - "Is this the kind of day you want to remember as your LAST? Wouldn't you rather go out at the top of your game? Do you want to die today?" After some conversation they usually agreed with me, so I point out again,
"This is the kind of day when it's GREAT to be ALIVE!!"

I had a Doctor's appointment today. Some of the best news I've had in a while. My platelets are up to 99 - almost normal! He said he would check on me again just after I saw my Regular Doctor in June, and then he would decide if he would cut back or stop the Danazol for my platelets because it's starting to look like I might not need it (at least not until the virus begins to replicate again).

I had a nap in the Doctor's office so I wasn't quite as sleepy at work. I was asked if I wanted to participate in a study (or actually if I would fill out a survey for a friend of our 'boss' that was in a psych class and writing a paper that needed the research). I said yes.
It seemed to be aiming it's questions toward trying to prove that faith in God makes you less likely to lie for any reason. I don't know how that will hold up. The questions where also slanted a bit toward faith in a Christian God will make you less likely to lie ... I know a lot of really prolific Christian liars. Anyway, it seemed like a very interesting idea, and I put down on the survey that I was interested in her results if she wanted to share them.
My only concern - was that it was not administered by that person. Thus, it was going through my 'boss' to get to her. And somehow I just get the feeling that she couldn't resist reading what anyone she gave the survey to would have said. She has also shown on many occasions to me that she is very 'Christian' not quite as tolerant to other religious ideas. As long as she remains professional on every level, she and I won't ever have a problem ... but I don't think I would ever hang out with her for any reason outside of work.
I left some notes in my survey as well. That many of the questions were asking if you would 'lie' to someone if asked if you had SEEN something, but HEARD something different. In other words would you tell someone everything you had HEARD rather then what you KNEW. (Example - if you where asked if you had seen who toilet papered your neighbors house, would you lie and say you didn't know even though your friends had told you who had done it?) In a couple of cases it was about lying to one friend to protect another friend (not an issue of lying, but an issue of keeping a trust or ranking your friends). In one question it assumed you had already made a promise to protect a friend you knew had done something wrong. I pointed out that in many of the questions I could think of ways to not lie and still maintain the trust of friends and/or spare there feelings (many questions where also along the lines of they ask if you like 'X' do you tell them the truth knowing it would hurt their feelings - on those I frequently wrote 'Circumstance and Tact').
The last question of the survey was to rank how important the rule "Thou Shall not Lie" is in your life. I rated it Very Important, but also pointed out that I live my life more along the lines of "Nothing to Hide - thus no reason to lie".

Anyway, because I have nothing to hide - I don't care if she reads it, but I fear that it compromises her friends confidentiality forms which are on the front of the surveys ... and has the potential to give her information that she would 'hold against me' without ever having asked me about.
One other thing she has done frequently is ask me questions about HIV and AIDS (which I am more then happy to answer) but the way she asks them make me believe she is trying to come up with cause to accuse someone. (Example, the other night she asked me "If someone had AIDS and wasn't taking care of themselves, what would their symptoms be?" - and by the way, the answer is "Nothing specific." I explained the difference between HIV and AIDS to her, noted that if they actually had AIDS that would mean a Doctor had given the diagnosis, and it would include an Opportunistic Infection. There are hundreds of IO's and it is the symptoms of the IO that would manifest ... nothing specific to HIV, and those symptoms could belong to anyone with the same condition - HIV or not.)

Anyway, at work - I also began to feel 'out of sorts'. Just kind of nauseous, with a mild headache. I would have thought that my blood sugar was falling, but I had just eaten. I considered that it might be to high, but I really hadn't eaten that much.
I am about to take my blood sugar level - do what I must - and go to bed.

I have a lot to do tomorrow - so instead of writing I may share that little project of mine.
Scott has also begun to tear the apartment apart and clean and re-organize. I'm just going to stay out of his way and try to prevent him from throwing away anything that is an antique or needed.

Finally caught Greg awake, but at work. I told him about a couple of days off I have if he wanted to come on by - since I know he doesn't check his e-mail frequently enough to find out in time. And I said finally - because I have tried to catch him the last 4 days, but the closest I got was yesterday - when he was asleep and not waking up. I ended up talking to that freind of his (I mentioned that part - this is the guy that Greg used to say he was going to try to set me up with, but never did - then bet he could set me up with in order to get Scott's middle name (which he couldn't do).
I now have to come up with a name for him and explain something for this story to work.
Name - Smith. Smith is freindly, and always gives me a hug when I am there. He has even told me that I can't leave the place unless I give him a hug. Then only time I ever did, he was asleep and I told his roommates to tell him that I was hugging his door before I left. When I see Greg, I tell him to give Smith a hug for me. I found out that instead of a Hug, Greg his been walking by and twisting his nipple and then saying it was from me. Smith and I have an understanding about that lie.
Greg is working, and picking on a guy that works with him. We will call this guy John. I've seen John around frequently at Greg's work, and he's a nice kid (and reportedly a little confused - as well as cute). Greg's 'picking' on him consisting of giving him a shove every time he was within arms reach, and also pushing him off the counter if he sat down. They were both laughing (Greg more then John) but it was all in fun.
After I had talked to Greg, he pushed John.
"I love bugging John, he loves it, and just takes it all the time." He said.
"Greg, leave John alone or I won't give you a hug before I leave." I said.
"Oh! That's a hard decision. Okay." Greg said and open his arms. I gave him a hug, and noticed John smile. I began to walk away, and Greg called my name. I turned around and he pushed John. I rolled my eyes, and walked past Greg as he laughed. I gave John a hug and said,
"You should fight back." I said out loud, and as I hugged John, I whisper, "Watch this." I then turned to leave. As I walked past Greg again, I reached out and twist his nipple. He didn't even suspect it, the look on his face was incredible. John was laughing.
"That's what you get for backing out of a promise. And that gets you back for Smith as well."
Greg raised his fist in the air dramatically overplaying it all and 'yelling'
"Smith is going to get it when I get home!"

It was a bright spot of my day.

Interesting day.
Even though not a lot happened.
The trainee this time is good.

Tomorrow - Life, Taxes, and Death.

Life:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCOTT!!!
Really - 23 ain't so bad

Taxes: You know what else today is - Taxes are due, and I need work to do.

Death: As in escapable as Life and Taxes.

Bret McDougal Turner (38) was found dead in an abandon apartment yesterday. Circumstances around his death are mysterious at this point, but investigations have stopped with the cremation of his body due to his wishes, though enforced by the State Coroners Office.
Turner apparently died of ‘blunt trauma' to the head. The Coroners Office believes this to have been caused by an ARC (AIDS Related Condition) of Dementia, causing him to become lost and confused and beating his head against a wall until death.
Friends, Family and other Doctor's disagree with the Coroners Office though. His Primary Physician was quoted as saying, “Other factors are being seriously overlooked in this case. The Coroner wants to neatly blame all of this on HIV, in which case he is still not taking into consideration the AIDS related Bullet wound to his head.”
The Coroners Official report notes that Suicide [the reason for the bullet wound] was over ruled as a cause of death since Turner had been found bound and gagged to a chair in the center of the room. When Police were asked to comment on their investigation they declined saying that the case had been closed to their satisfaction by the State Coroners Office. Private sources in the Police department however comment that they believed it was the result of a ‘Drug Deal gone wrong' because his blood screens showed a number of drugs in his system.

Bret Turner was survived by his Mother Susan (Topeka), who tearfully declined any comment to this reporter; his Father Art (Topeka), who insulted our facts and research; and his Brother Jason Jones (L.A., California) who was unavailable for comment, other then “This is completely unbelievable.” Friends of Bret Turner that were on hand where of conflicting opinions, some saying that he was happy and had everything to live for and many commenting that he was always depressed and lonely.
Comments from Turner's other Doctors were also quite varied and occasionally vague. His Endocrinologist is quoted as saying, “He wasn't sweet enough.” His Oncologist comment that he didn't have Cancer, but something was definitely eating at him. A surgeon that performed a recent surgery on him said, “I never saw his heart.”
The Coroners Office has confiscated his ashes pending quarantine, but a representative Urn will be on display for mourners and the family has requested that instead of flowers that Donations be sent to the Topeka AIDS Project in his name.

It is meant to be funny - Lighten up.

Shawn M. called me the other day - he didn't think the Obituary was funny. ( comments or feedback - please tell me. misfit@misfitslife.com)
He and I talked for a long time though, and then I took a nap. The nap lasted much longer then I expected. I slept from 4pm to 9pm. Watched my new copy of Apollo 13 (which I will try to exchange today - I could have sworn I picked up Wide Screen, but didn't), and the Director's cut of Donnie Darko. I was falling asleep again and it was only just after 2am - so I slept again. Just woke up and took my med's (6am) and I'm getting ready to go back to bed for a little while (which will probably turn into noon or one for med's).
Greg is supposed to drop by. I'm sure he will, the question is when.

The guy I used to work with called to catch up. We talked for some time as well. I invite him and his girlfriend over to watch the movie's with us and he said he would call back when she got home and tell me one way or the other, but never did (and actually I was kind of expecting that). Scott and I went grocery shopping. It would have been better if I had been able to get to the money in my Checking account. (I don't know if I had relate any of this or not. My ATM card expired, and so the machine ate it. I contact the bank, and they say they sent me a replacement - but I never did get it. They sent a new one. I got it in the mail yesterday. I tried it for the first time last night to get the cash out for shopping - They changed my PIN, but I don't have a record of it (and I did look around for it when I got the card) so I can't use it until the Bank opens on Monday now - and I'll be able to go in and change the PIN to something I can remember and have access to my Money again (what little of it there is)).
Anyway, Mom gave me $40 yesterday - and I used a little over $30 for the Groceries. So much for the idea of going to a movie today. I have just over $60 in the bank. It would be nice if I could get it before Monday.

I'm going back to bed now. I can't even win a game of Solitaire.

===== 12:45

When I sleep a long time like this, I dream more vividly and I remember them.

The Bad Guys can't win. (A lot of this won't make sense if you haven't watched Buffy and Angel or seen Angel's finale).

The Dragon fell to the ground and killed many other demons. Damage to the city was minimal, his friends had been beaten badly but they were alive. His plan had worked. He smiled broadly and was filled with a sense of pride and joy - it was a moment of ... perfect happiness. Angelus congratulates Spike on his prowess, and leaves him. It's time to teach Buffy that you don't leave a man that tries this hard, and wins every time in the long run.

Buffy is seen in combat with a Demon. She finally slays him, and then turns to see a crowd of 'minions'.
"Anyone else want some of this? Because I'm tired of telling you all that I run the show now. I will not have my position or my power challenged every time - you will do what I tell you to do." It is then apparent that she and her army of slayers have taken control of the Demon underground, and rule with an iron fist. Kind of a mirror of what Angel had done with Wolfram & Hart.

I had to kill them both. It was difficult and heart breaking since I wanted to save them both and put them back on the path of the right. In the long run, I failed three times before and I traveled back in time, making the decisions harder each time until I just out right killed them and then had to face the wrath of their friends, who had not strayed from the path, but also wanted to save their friends. My pain and sorrow was absolute, and that was the only explanation I could give to Willow, Spike, Xander, Wesley, Oz, Gunn and Dawn. Cordila cried as she watched the friends in their rage and sorrow slay me.

That is when I woke up.
By the way, in the many times I had gone back, and tried again - Though there was a moment of perfect happiness that brought back Angelus, it didn't release his soul. It was a freedom from Guilt, a satisfaction in knowing he had done the right thing despite the consequences ... but Angelus now wanted to be Thanked, given a reward.

I think now, as I write, that my dream was trying to tell me; There is no reward, because you never actually give up or sacrifice anything. We are all part of the cycle and the sea of life. You can't 'Sacrifice' for the greater good - it's all the same thing. You are not entitled to anything when everything is already available.

It's going to take some time to absorb all of that.
maybe more to apply it.

==== 20:30

MFIJ has called. He's back in town. We talked a little while.
Greg came by. At about 4pm, I figured he wasn't going to be coming by until after dinner at his parents, and I took off. Turns out he showed up a little after I left.
Where did I go? I'll give you two guess and the first one doesn't count.
I went to the Arcade. I sat in the room and cried and sweat and spent about $10 I didn't really have to spend. I have $1 left, and the only reason I have it, is because the machine wouldn't take it.
"I thought you gave up the Arcade?" Greg said when I told him that.
"Why would I do that? It is the ONLY sexual release I have." I respond.
"But you said it makes you feel like crap."
"And it still does. The point is, it is the only thing I am allowed to have as a release. I still have sexual urges weather I want them or not, so I still go." There was a pause as he just stared into space. "Greg, no one still touches me there. I feel safe because I am still in a locked room and I am in control who is able to do what to me. I get a small sense of satisfaction knowing that some really old man actually looks at me and pants."
"That would be really strange." Greg said.
"It is. But at least someone finds me attractive. I don't have to do anything back to them, I just let them watch. And at least I can give them that - and a lot of times I don't even get that from others in the Arcade."
"That doesn't seem fair." Greg said.
"It isn't. None of it is. I take what little I can get. I try to survive on it. I'm not going to stop going to the Arcade until I'm completely dead inside. And I'm not going to risk going to the Park and getting beat up or forced to do something."
"Okay." And he just dropped it.

I swear, there are times it is like I can't even win for trying to lose.
I have been trying to make sex so unappealing that I don't even want to try any more. I've tried to do it by doing something that keeps me and everyone else involved safe from emotional commitments and even my virus. I take all the risks and I am responsible for nothing more then what happens with me in a little locked room that smells and eats my money.
And now it's like I'm being criticized for doing even that.

I'm not better then that. It's been proven a hundred times. This is ALL I can get.
I don't deserve better then this - or it would have come my way already.
It's better then the half ideas of crying out for help and begging for a pity fuck from any number of people around me - or even just the pity ... I don't want people to feel sorry for me ... I want to be loved by someone.
I still am a human being with needs and desires. As much as I try to stomp them into death - they persist ... and I won't be criticized for having what everyone else has, and is able to express in a more healthy manner.
I'm tired of being the one that should sacrifice my humanity to keep humanity 'safe' from my virus - that somehow I don't know enough to protect any one else and still be a human being.

I DO care about everyone else. I DO love them, and protect them with every fiber of my being.
I will NOT force anyone to love me, or feel anything for me that they don't want to feel (including PITY - I can't say not to feel it ... I just don't want to know about it).
I am happy that I am so loved by friends and family.
I however, still, feel constantly reminded that I am alone and denied even the chance at that one intimate relationship we all seem to seek. One that is enriching both mentally or spiritually AND physically.
It's a problem. It's MY problem. And I will deal with it in the only ways I know how.

If you aren't going to be there with a hug, a kiss, and some sex with love and commitment - then just shut up and leave me alone so I can work this out.

Tired of defending ... all of it.

=== 21:00

Well, my day definitely picked up. I'd be up to late if I described it all.
Suffice it to say, I saw some things I enjoyed - and enjoyed a lot of good laughs.
In a way, I think I have been clandestinely asked on a 'date'. And I am going to consider it ... and try not to think of it that way.

I am going to remember the things like this:
"I'm kind of zoned out right now. Not really here." Smith said.
"So I could take advantage of you?" I respond with a joking smile. He rolled his eyes and said no. "What about if I get you drunk?" I asked.
"I've never been that drunk." He said. I laughed and turned to the other guy in the room,
"Notice how politely he handles my feelings and lets me down." I said laughing.

Another Great day. In a good mood ... despite, all the same thoughts.
Scott made a great work of art, and I've asked for it. I'll share when I have it.

Scott's old room mate is here. He pierced Scott's ears, and got himself a tattoo.
I checked in with 'Smith' about Karaoke tomorrow. It's later then I can do, but he wants me to go and hang out with him anyway, play pool and/or darts. I told him I'd pick him up after my Diabetes class.

I'll have to check in with my Dentist though. I think the filling he put in today, fell out with my dinner .

Well, for a day that I thought I was going to have mostly free, it filled up fast.
Work, I am about to go and eat. Then the Dentist to see if we need to fix this tooth again, then the Diabetes class, then 'Smith' at the bar and I come home alone (because karaoke doesn't start until 9 or 10pm - and I need to be in bed).

I also just got off the phone with my Health Insurance Company. This almost bugs me, but it's nice.
Any substantial claim made for Diabetes automatically puts you on a program for Diabetes. They have a set of nurses that will call about once a month and review your blood work and answer any questions you might have and help with any problems and even remind you to make certain appointments with Doctors (example, annual foot checks at a Podiatrist). Helpful stuff. The Insurance company figures it's much more cost effective to counsel and prevent a problem then to pay for one.
So why can't they do that for any other Illness - Like HIV or even Cancer or many of the other very treatable disorders like High blood pressure or hepatitis or Arthritis?
Nice, but it bugs me.

===== 17:45

My fillings are present and accounted for. He thinks the piece I found may have been a piece that molded between my cheek and gums and been 'lost' in that tight area until I began to eat.
Better safe then sorry. He also gave me a prescription for some extra fluoride tooth paste. I will just have to force myself to get back into the habit of brushing again. When I had been really depressed, I stopped ... I mean who gave a shit about my mouth anyway? It's not like I was getting kissed on a regular basis ... or having oral sex ...
Shit, I probably was putting to much into it anyway.
*sigh* un-needed cut into the past.

The Diabetes' class was evidently moved - and I don't think I ever got a call to tell me about it. No one is there now that I could find out from. I'll have to call tomorrow.
No A1C for me.

Instead of seeming really desperate, I decided to come home a write rather then going over to 'Smiths' and just hanging out until we decided to go out. Still not really sure about this whole idea. I may end up bailing out a lot sooner then 9pm. And I hope it's not because I start to feel so much like I think something should happen that I end up at the Arcades for an hour before coming home and crying myself to sleep.

The thing I really wanted to write about was a progression of thoughts that occurred to me last night as I was talking to Scott and his old room mate (who is still here) after the subject of MFIJ came up.
I can't even really remember what started it all; but Scott said something discouraging about MFIJ. I turned to his old room mate and said,
"Scott doesn't like <MFIJ> much."
"I get that. Why?" He said.
"He can't even spell the word "Brown"!" Scott brought up for the hundredth time to me.
"Oh, now I understand." He replied to me.
"I still don't." I retort. Scott began a bit of a rant and brought up the only other thing MFIJ has done to Scott which is "He stole my watch right off my desk!" and I always remind him "He didn't do it intentionally and he did give it back and apologize to you."

However, as I thought about it more and more - I did understand.
Scott finds MFIJ to be unredeemable and worthless.
Scott has a very low tolerance of people. And as he pointed out to someone else in a web conversation, he is tired of waiting for people to prove themselves worthy to him.
Here is man that has given up hope on other people. He still has hope for himself and is able to use that hope to drive himself when necessary and find the paths that he needs.
Me, I have endless hope in others. I find it no waste of my time what-so-ever to look for and find the best in every person I meet. There is no effort on my part to extend that hope and my belief that they can be everything that they want to be. I can offer bits of guidance to help them find those ways. I have never consider it a waste of time, or effort.
This brings into my life people that need that hope. That need some one that believes in them. And I think in many cases it really helps them to know that someone really does have that hope and that belief - and still will even if they fail at something and will be there to help them get up if necessary.
In this, I have endless patience.
I have seen it work in many people in my life.
Greg being an example that Scott and I have talked about in the past.
This isn't a project of mine - and I don't try to change a person.
All these quotes that I have up on my page are not just 'fluff' I believe in them.

We grow neither better nor worse ...
but more like ourselves.
May Lamberton Baker

"At every moment of our lives we should be trying to find out, not what we differ with other people, but in what we agree with them." -John Ruskin

And I want to point out, I think I extend this to Scott and he uses it.
On the vise versa of it - I have no hope in myself any more.
This takes to much effort to support in the face of everyone else that is calling me ... anything else. "Poisonous" being a good catch-all for a lot of it.
And at this point ... I don't have anyone in my life that lends me the hope or the belief and support that I am NOT.
Scott uses the support and love of all his friends to drive himself to accomplish those things which are harder then he originally believed. And he has someone to believe in any aspect of his life that he wants to change.
I know what I am capable of, I know the facts of my life - but I can't find anyone to believe them with me and grant me that little bit of support. Thus my well of personal hope is being poisoned more and more.

Bottom line.
A difference between myself and Scott.
Scott doesn't believe anyone is redeemable until they have already done it on there own.
I believe everyone is redeemable - and needs people (or at least one person) to believe it in order to make it happen.
Scott has and can use personal hope.
I don't have that any more - and can't find what I need to renew it.

Everyone that has tried or thought they did, found that HIV shadow creep in on them - and give up on me.
I'm finding it harder and harder to not give up on myself also.

The world is round - but the man that proved that met up with a lot of resistance. And there are still those that don't believe it.
But enough people finally came around to his way of thinking.
I don't see anyone coming around to my way of thinking. I have the facts. I have no support.

==== 22:00

Two things:

1) What I have described in Scott is not a bad thing - it just is. And point of fact I am the one that is the Anomaly. Scott is like everyone else in the world. I also have to acknowledge that Scott is not wrong for having feelings or expressing them and support his (and everyone's) right to do so.
2) I had a really good time out tonight. More drama then I really like, but none of it was mine so it was all cool.

It is past my bed time, but I've had two naps. I should be okay ... but I'm going to bed now anyway just because Scott brought up that he didn't really like 'Smith' and said the only thing good about him he could see is that he could spell 'Brown' and brought that whole thing up again. I quickly tire of the fight.
No one defends me ... to many wounds to continue against feelings and points of view much stronger then mine (not more correct ... just stronger).

Sometimes I wonder.

Web Site Activity Report
Report generated on Thu, Apr 14, 2005 -17:55:50
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Time Period:25/Jan/2005:00:02:51 - 14/Apr/2005:22:20:17 total 80 day(s)

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Then I wonder some more about where all these people are and why they never ask questions or talk to me.

Then I realize that now is not the time for me to be writting and I should just go to bed.

but then ...

To - "Kooky"
BJ: Congratulations - you have gotten your revenge. You took so much out of context and posted it on your site and made Scott look "Mentally Abusive" that he is devistated.
How many times did we (and I mean me also) have to hear you say that you were done talking to us and you wouldn't bother us - then you message one of us the next day.
don't expect many civil responses from me in the future.

I haven't had a message on Yahoo in weeks. No one messages me. I always have to make the first move.
This morning, I had two messages.
One I damn near expected - and don't know what to do about now. I am now committed to some Drama ... damn heat of the moment posts. If anyone wants to catch up even before I do -

Kooky (4:01:03 AM): http://www.livejournal.com/users/indigopoet4/
Kooky (4:01:10 AM): there's a new post you might be interested in reading
Kooky (4:01:17 AM): if not, that's fine, too
Kooky (4:01:40 AM): I hope he's doing all right...
misfitlife (5:25:01 AM): Having read 70% of this - I'll respond more later after I read the whole thing. I still have a lot to say - but first I have 2 jobs to go to.

I should point out quickly here, that even as annoyed as I have been with Scott in the past couple of days ... I didn't talk to him about those feelings because he had just gotten back from "Divorce Class" and was a little emotionally wrung out. Then there was this - and I respond to 'Kooky' without his knowledge and out of my own feelings.
I guess I wasn't as tired of defending my friends as I thought.

The other was from someone informing he would have messaged earlier, but he broke his hand and arm and can't type well, and is on pain killers.

==== 20:35

It never rains, it pours.
I have a lot to talk about and to write - but a lot of it will have to wait.
I'll get right to the pouring -
I get home and there is a message from MFIJ - he needs a place to stay for the night. He went to a couple of other places, but they where getting drunk or high, and he didn't want to ... to much temptation to stay and not do it. So I'm about to go and get him.
Scott isn't home - I checked my computer to see if he left me a message. He didn't ... but James did.

(My Away message currently reads - "Msg me - I'd die of shock if anyone did.")
James: Hmmmm....I don't want to kill you....so hmmmm....I guess I have an excuse not to message?....I still agonize over knowing what you go through....even more now than ever
<last message received on 04/22/05 at 4:34pm>

I guess I'll just send him my Obituary (when I get back).
I checked Scott's machine - his last message still on the screen was that he went for a malt.

Btw' MOST of the stuff I have to write about - is FUNNY. I had a decent if not interesting day.

And I'll recount most of it, after I've gotten MFIJ.

=====

Most of the day at work I didn't feel well. I was agonizing over the fact that I really stepped in it and started some drama I didn't really want. But I did it ... and I will live with the consequences of it.
Busy day - really busy.
Stacy called me at work. She was in town helping her parents move. She wanted to know if we had any boxes. We did.
When she was there, I gave her a hug, showed her the boxes to chose from, got her a cart to carry them in and told her to have a great weekend. One of my Vendors watched this, and then started to tease me.
"You where awfully friendly with her. I think you where flirting with her."
"She's the wife of my best friend and by the way, I'm still gay." I respond.
"So you say now." He said laughing.
Later, the price coordinators came back to see if I was in a better mood. One of them was playing with a supper ball while we talked. I was worried about how and when Scott was going to find out about this and I thought he was going to be mad at me. They thought the situation was stupid, thought I was feeling to much about it - but in a way it's a good thing that I wear my heart on my sleeve. They also thought I would be able to work this out to everyone's satisfaction.
That same vendor returned.
"Sorry, I'm flirting with more women right now." I said as a joke.
"I knew it. Hey girls, don't think you're anything special, he flirts with all the women." The Vendor said.
"We know better. We know we are special, because we see him every day." One of them said.
"And he knows how to make us moan." the other said with a sly grin. I about lost it. She is talking about my back rubs, but the Vendor didn't know that. "He so good, sometimes he only has to use one hand."
"You sure you're gay?" the Vendor asked."
"I think it's time for you to go." I said and showed him to the door. Just as we got to that door, Screams and laughter came from my office. We both turned around. Then we heard,
"You can't handle the ball, it's mine now!" More screams and giggling. The Vendor looked at me and said,
"You aren't even in there and they're screaming and arguing over your body parts."
"Good thing I'm still gay, huh?" I said.
"I know I'm locking my wife up." He said as I closed the door and told him to have a good weekend.
It was the supper ball that was causing that conversation if you need it spelled out. I told them what the Vendor had said. They laughed even more.
"Go, get out of my office before you damage my reputation any more!" said escorting them out. I laughed for a little while.

I was there very late. Still feeling like crap really. My heart was pounding in my chest. I wasn't having a low sugar, and I hadn't eaten enough to be to high ... I just had no reasons. My last very late Vendor had come in (and I let them in because he had called and things where really behind anyway). I finally finished up the last of the paper work, and I looked at the clock. 1:30, late with my 1 o'clock med's. I pulled out the bottle of med's - I forgot to take all my med's in the morning. That explains a lot. I took them all then. And I knew I had to eat now. I went to the Deli and ate.
I left work at about 2:10. I'm usually at my other job by 2:30. I was going to be late. I went home to change. Scott was there - which means his job offer didn't happen like he had thought - but he said most likely tomorrow.
"Scott. I don't know how to tell you this - but I kind of stepped in it last night and -"
"I know." He said with a smile. I was almost pissed. I figured she had written him and dragging him into 'our' conflict like she had done with me to their conflict. "I read your site today." said, which means it was still all my fault. "I messaged you about it. Take a look, it's not long." My stomach almost looped.

Scott (12:06:18 PM): thank you for defending me... you are a true friend
Scott (12:06:34 PM): which i would gladly say without you doing that

"Thanks." I said. "I just want you to know you don't need to do anything -"
"I messaged her."
"You what?"
"I apologized."
"You what?"
He wanted to explain more, but I really had to get to work. I then explained that I didn't think he should have done that, but it was his choice - this was the general idea that I had for my letter - and I really had to go to work.

At work, I ended up sitting next to the two best looking guys in the day crew and having the best conversation that I've had in a long time. One of them was laughing so hard we had to remind him to breath. Talking about TV shows and Movies new and old and skipping around to role playing games. It was great.
After they left, it got quiet. I began to make some notes for my letter. Then the rest of the evening crew began to show up.
One of the girls I work with there, I also worked with long ago at the old store. She works in the main office and still know a lot of the same people. We have also been going over all the old times.
The other day, she asked me to get her a soda while I was out there - and in the process kind of 'tricked' in to saying "I do" and has been making the joke that we are now married.
Today, I told her about what happened at work, and that I was sorry - but I cheated on her.
"That still isn't grounds for a divorce."
"Damn!" I exclaimed.

We laughed a lot again all night long about a variety of things. I also kept working on my notes for the letter to 'Kooky'. I then came home and found Scott gone. He was out with Greg it turns out.
It poured. - I think you are caught up to everything except:

I lost MFIJ for a little bit. But found him and he's here now. And I have written about my day - now it's time to check my e-mail and see if there are any other surprises and write a letter that is more reasonable and civil then I expected.
Here is that letter.

<Kooky>,

I would have posted this on your web site, but I don't have the desire to start an account there just to send this letter. I'll let you decide if you want to post it or not. Rest assured, it is also posted on my site. I also give you permission to post my e-mail address ( misfit@misfitslife.com ) for anyone that decides they want to respond to anything I have to say and want to “say it to my face”.

Rest assured also, that this letter is much more civil then I thought it would be, mostly because I had a day to calm down and put my thoughts in order.

First – I acted without Scott's knowledge. I want this fully understood, because when I asked him what he was doing I told him to respond and drop it (again). HE SAID NO. I take full responsibility for my message, and its contents. And when you responded, I fully intended to make a response and then tell Scott I was sorry that I had gone behind his back and said something's to you that I think needed to be said. It was also my intent to say enough to keep you from dragging Scott back into any of this.
When I heard this afternoon between jobs that he knew what I had done – and he had sent you an apology – My first thought was that you couldn't waste any time contacting him and dragging him into this. Turns out, he read it from my site. It was entirely my fault.

So, let me respond to my first problem in the entry you sent to me.
” He could have changed the continued communication at ANY time by simply blocking me on yahoo.  If it really was too much...and SO hurtful to him, then he should have done that.  He shouldn't have had to, no, but I can't be blamed for how HE handled it.  I refuse to feel guilty about that.”
He DID THAT. You also sent the same messages to his phone, and his e-mail. You wouldn't let him NOT respond. And NO ONE asked you to feel guilty about any of this.
I point out another idea I have lived my life by. Henry David Thoreau; Civil Disobedience. Basically it states that you should be able to say or do anything you want to do – but you DO have to accept the CONSEQUENCES of that action. In Thoreau's case, he didn't want to pay taxes, and was more then willing to go to jail because of it. He admits he didn't pay the taxes – he felt they were wrong and unjustified. But the price for breaking the law is going to jail – so he went.
You are also talking to someone that has had a public Journal now for 9 years. You have to take responsibility for the things you write. The facts, the feelings, and people you can end up hurting with the words or feelings. I'm not asking for guilt – I'm asking for responsibility. From experience, you can express your feelings without trashing another person.

“I also in no way intended anything posted or commented on my journal to "devastate" him.  And I guess it's kind of ironic if he really was affected by anything written on here.  First of all, I didn't even think he read my journal.  After everything that's taken place...why WOULD he?  Now that's a little hypocritical, since I have chosen to still check out his journal every once in a while, but he and I are different people...we're dealing with this in our own ways.  We haven't been communicating, either.  It's been almost a week now, in fact.  I just really didn't think he'd read it.

"Also, I will not be reading your journal. You can rest assured that you can post in peace. Any anonymous posts are logged via IP and you can always check mine via the headers of an email." "

Scott's assurance to you was that you could post in peace. He even told you how to tell if he ever did try to respond. I want to point out, I even recommend he respond – and he said NO. He held up his end of his reassurance.
”After everything that's taken place...why WOULD he?”
By the way, I asked him the same thing. “Why are you even reading this?” His response was justifiable.
”That's MY name she is dragging through the dirt.” He has every right to know what you are saying about him, to his face AND behind his back.
I want to relate a short story. I once knew Sign Language almost fluently. I was trying to teach a friend of mine so I would have someone to talk to. At one time, she and I where Signing to each other, and she comment that the man across the room was really very attractive. She turned three different shades of red as he said “Thank you.” Turns out, he worked for some time in a hospital with deaf children and knew everything we had been talking about. I point out to her, (and now to you), never assume that another person doesn't understand what you are saying about them, even if you chose a medium you think they don't know.

My response to Scott then was “Welcome to the club.” meaning, that someone will always be talking badly about you.
My Advice to BOTH of you now:
You know the Truth – Live with it.

“… what I posted were facts.  No, I didn't post the entire conversation, but I didn't post anything out of context either.  I was posting about the last day of our communication....not telling of how wonderful he was when things were good, not telling some of the things I did wrong leading to that point, or anything prior really.  And it doesn't matter, honestly.  I didn't deserve to be talked to that way.  I never did anything previously, to intentionally hurt him...emotionally, mentally, or physically.  So flat out, I didn't deserve to be talked to in that way.  I displayed how it ended, pure and simple.”

What you posted where parts of a conversation. There is no way for you or anyone else to “display how it ended” and if you edit anything at all, it was far from “pure and simple.”
Most of all what offended me was “… it doesn't matter, honestly. I didn't deserve to be talked to that way. … flat out, I didn't deserve to be talk to in that way.”

YES YOU DID.
And how can I dare to say that?
Let me tell you a joke.

A duck walks into a Hardware store. The duck then walked up to the clerk and smiled the way that Ducks do and said,
”Hi!”
”Hello. Can I help you?” The clerk asked.
”Do you have any Gwapes?” The Duck asked.
”I'm sorry. This is a Hardware store. We don't have any produce at all. Not even Grapes.” The Duck frowned the way that Ducks frown and sighed the way that Ducks sigh and left the store.
The next day, the same Duck walked into the same Hardware store and approached the same clerk.
”Hi!”
”Hello. Can I help you?” The clerk asked.
”Do you have any Gwapes?” The Duck asked.
”I must not have been clear yesterday. I'm sorry. This is a Hardware store. We sell things like hammers, nails, screwdrivers and tape. You know – hardware things. We don't have any Grapes.” The Duck frowned the way that Ducks frown and sighed the way that Ducks sigh and left the store.
The next day, the same Duck walked into the same Hardware store and approached the same clerk.
”Hi!”
”Hello. Can I help you?” The clerk asked.
”Do you have any Gwapes?” The Duck asked.
”This is a hardware store. There are no Grapes here. Please, don't come in here and ask for Grapes again.” The Duck frowned the way that Ducks frown and sighed the way that Ducks sigh and left the store.
The next day, the same Duck walked into the same Hardware store and approached the same clerk.
”Hi!”
”Can I help you?” The clerk asked a little leery.
”Do you have any Gwapes?” The Duck asked.
”NO – No Grapes. How many times to I have to tell you? This is a Hardware store!”
The Duck frowned the way that Ducks frown and sighed the way that Ducks sigh and left the store.
The next day, the same Duck walked into the same Hardware store and approached the same clerk.
”Hi!”
”If you ask me for Grapes I swear I will nail your little webbed feet to the floor!” The Clerk burst out. The Duck gasp, and then began to cry the way that Ducks cry.
”What is wrong? Why on earth are you crying?” The clerk asked.
”I was going to ask for some nails.” The Duck sobbed.
”Oh my god. I am so sorry. This is a Hardware store, we have nails. I will go and get you some.” The Clerk then went to the back, only to find out the boss had just completed a huge sale to a construction company – and sold all the nails they had. The clerk returned to the Duck. “I am very sorry. We just sold the last of our nails and I feel terrible. The first time you come in here and legitimately ask me for something we should have, and we are out. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
The Duck smiled the way ducks smile and then asked,
”Do you have any Gwapes?”

The joke ends here because this is when it is funny. It could continue on for ever, the clerk getting more and more frustrated, and the Duck asking for what it can't have, and when confronted with hostility, causing guilt with tears and misdirecting him with a legitimate question only to call a bluff and ask once again for what the Duck can't have.

You where/are a Duck.
And I think it was a response on your web site that Scott had pointed out to me that said it best, you obviously wanted this mental abuse because you kept going back to it. And I would add that you caused the situations that drove someone to mentally abuse you.

No snowflake falls in an inappropriate place.
I heard that joke two days before this situation arose.
The more that I thought about my response I wondered if I was talking to you, or to me. After all, I made a lot of these mistakes. But I realized that I had always followed the advise I gave to you when you first dragged me into this situation – “If you really LOVE Scott - that means you will do ANYTHING to make him happy -- -- including leave him alone and never come back if that is what he says he wants”

I am talking to YOU. I have been there, I have made these mistakes in the past (most notably Greg) - - As broken as I am now, I urge you not to end up like me. Let go and move on to something healthy for you.

I do not believe Scott should have apologized – but he did.
I hope you understand that apology was not a door for you to get back into his life.

My very last point to make,
The last word is often times the one you save for yourself, so they can't respond to it.

I lost most of my respect for you after I heard from you the first time after I had received,
”… thanks for all the advice....and the knowledge....and the brief and limited friendship we shared....but I feel that it's probably best if I say goodbye to you, too, at this point.....I'll only torture myself if I try to stay in contact with you......I can't imagine it's a HUGE loss.....but I hope it was pleasant enough at times …I'm glad he has you.....and I wish you both the best of luck” Because when you wrote that, I at least I thought you had the balls to say good bye, and move on. But how many times did Scott and I hear this very same speech? Each time I even heard about it, I lost respect for you.
I do know how to say good bye. I also know how to keep the last word to myself.
I'm done talking/writing to you now. Respond to this as often as you like, I won't.

I my god, I'm up way to late. I have to sleep.

Okay - a series of events.
I sent out that letter at 12:30 am. I was up way to late. I still woke up at 4:45. Talking to Scott this morning,
Kooky - woke him at 3:30am with a text message.
I don't know which came first or if it was the same message - she wanted to talk before I sent the letter. (too late - probably hadn't checked mail yet). Also wondered why he chose to post his apology on her site in the comments - wished it would have come some other way.
Scott tried to show it to me - it had been removed from the site.
I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt - and I was right to do so. It has been re posted in her actual journal now. However, she has stated that she is going to re-edit everything ... time to paint a different picture rather then keep the one you have. She talked so much about her right to freedom of speech, but she is now willing to back down and edit herself to make everyone look good now. All crap.

Just incase it disappears again:

I shall be removing certain posts which have supposedly inaccurately or negatively portrayed Scott. I'll do more weeding through after I've gotten some sleep.  I wanted to publicly display his apology to me for at least a brief time.  He did make efforts to show remorse for his actions...and I appreciate that dearly.  So instead of it hiding in comments...here it is:

(Anonymous)
2005-04-22 17:24
I'm sorry for the harsh words I used to end our communication. This is my formal appology to you... I'm so sorry things ended the way that they did. I'm sure I handled it inappropiratly at times but I did what I thought was going to end things the fastest.

Ironically it was an accident that I went to your journal. I would have never intentionally inflicted that kind of pain on myself. I'm not that crazy. I was in the process of cleaning up bookmarks.

I agree with your post, and you probably couldn't have said it better from my end then "I've never been loved like he loved me (when things were good, of course). It was truly beautiful at one time, as hard as it is to believe knowing where things are right now. And yes, some of it was probably more like a fairytale, and just as unreal as a fairytale, but the beauty of it is still very real in my mind. I'm just trying to be hopeful...overall"

It really was beautiful at one point in time... and then it got ugly, and now even my memories have been tainted with it. Overall I'd like to say sorry again for some of the actions I have taken, and I wish I would not have hurt you as bad as I did.

And I have noticed a letter from her. I'll probably post it and make my last couple of comments since I was really tired last night and I may not been as clear as I wanted to be. Scott informed me that he has read the letter, and it's HUGE ... and since I want to take MFIJ to see "Amityvile" in a little bit, I'll wait.

Here is her response. I only have one thing to say at this point ... look who it's addressed to.

Dearest Scott,

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and there are some things I wish to convey to you.  Some of the thoughts were provoked by what Bret had to say...some of it was provoked by things you've said...some of it is provoked by things other people have said...most of it is what I have thought and felt...and dealt with on my own, however.  What it boils down to is the fact that I've gotten to where I am now...and you are entitled to be aware of it.

First of all, I've just recently deleted the damning, infamous "friday" post...and your apology comment...and my post that was written in response to your apology.  I'll go through and weed out more later, but I thought those were the most pertinent to be removed.  It's the least I can do at this point really, in an attempt to make peace.  Yes, many people have read it and formed their thoughts, so the damage is done, but I felt that they needed to be removed.

And let me get the stupid shit out of the way next. "I also apologize for the damn hotornot crap.  Ugh...it is typical that something stupid would happen like that.  It was like you viewing my journal, it was accidental.  I do run across your profile every once in a while.  I guess I don't recall actually doing it, but I must have accidentally hit yes instead of no.  It wasn't my intention to click yes on purpose, though.  I apologize if it bothered you or if you felt I'd done it on purpose to hurt you."  This was part of my response to your apology.  I wanted you to know...

I'm just sick of EVERYTHING....all the drama.  And I think we're both guilty of feeding it at different times.  I admit I've probably contributed more than you, but it really wasn't intended to "feed the drama".  I've been really fucked up.  It's not an excuse, nor do I intend to allow that to justify my actions, words, and behaviors, but it's an important fact.

I can't begin to tell you how incredibly sorry I am that our individual issues have brought us this far...this deep into pain and annoyance...and every other negative feeling that's come about since we first met online.  I want to apologize again myself, for anything I've done that in any way hurt you.  I still have a difficult time comprehending all of that, but that doesn't mean I'm not sorry for the end result.  Maybe I'll never know and understand completely...but I'd like to think that eventually knowing and understanding won't matter as much.  For if having each other out of our lives is the way it has to be, then that's the kind of peace I'm hoping for as time goes on.  It's not about forgetting...as much as it is about moving on...and the development of my life in the future that will eventually take over and provide me with a happy, content life.  I'm still just hoping for the best at this point.

And for you, maybe I am just another shitty relationship that didn't work out.  Maybe that's how you feel...and maybe that's what it is to you...and maybe it's not.  I hope not...I truly do, but that's how I feel you view it.  For me, this has been an incredible eye-opener that something is NOT right in my own head...and lots of somethings aren't right in my life.  I'm now dealing with a bunch of shit I have yet to deal with from my past...emotions not dealt with previously...pain not dealt with previously.  I can't even begin to compare our lives, though.  We both had it bad...and it all has affected us in different, and yet similar ways, in some aspects.  I could never have dealt with the pain and emotion you've dealt with in your life...not as the person I am.  And I don't even claim to know exactly what you've dealt with...because there's no way I'd ever know how it truly was.  I guess for a while, after we met online, I just felt we REALLY connected...and we could make each other's lives better...and I was more sure of that than I've ever been of anything in my entire life, as sad as it is to say (and more because of the amount of uncertainties that really have plagued my past...not because of what was lost in the demise of our relationship).  We did have those things but for a short time, indeed.  I was just SO hopeful...so foolishly hopeful.  I've never known that kind...or that level...of happiness.  And I thank you for being a part of it.  But you know all of that, so I won't dwell.  It just gives me something to look forward to eventually...knowing how love can be for me.  So thank you...

I think I've been gradually breaking down for years, to be completely honest.  I had my strong moments, but this break-down has been hiding in the shadows of my life for YEARS.  It's unfortunate that it surfaced when it did, but as Bret always says, "No snowflake falls in an inappropriate place."  There is SOME reason everything happened...and happened the way it did.  And time will eventually lead me to the revelation of that reasoning, I think.  I wasn't meant to understand now....I'm not prepared to know the answer now.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty by any means.  While you were a part of the last thing that happened in my life before I broke down, it's in no way your fault.  Not that I need to remind you of that....because you should know that by now on your own...but for clarification purposes, I just wanted to state that fact.  I don't blame you.  I don't really blame myself either.  We're just two people with issues that didn't mesh well.  And while our commonalities brought us together for a short time of bliss, it's pointless to continue to dwell on it.  And I've been more than dwelling, without a doubt.  I just can't let go....and that's a MAJOR problem.   Part of it was that in some twisted way, I've been convinced we still had a chance to be in each other's lives...as whatever.  That's INSANE...and I KNOW that's insane.  And I'm doing my best to deal with it.  And I'm sorry for the suffering it has caused you.  I wish I could even feel remotely that I had a right to ask you to forgive me.  But at this time I don't.  All I can do is be sorry...and say that I'm sorry....and hope for the best.  So I'm sorry that my break-down had to affect you and your life in any way.  And I'm sorry for my assistance in ruining the plans you had in your heart for you and us.  I would give up all the happiness I felt and had with you if I could take back the pain I've caused you.  I would give it up very reluctantly...but I would indeed give it up.  Your happiness means that much to me.

And even now, I'm still not letting things go.  And at this point, unlike Bret's strength as a person, I don't have the power to save the last word for myself.  That's how fucked up everything is.  My intention now is that you know the truth, though, in hopes that it will benefit you.  This isn't me...this insane...not letting go person...I've NEVER been like this before.  I don't know how to handle it.  I'm trying...desperately am I trying.  And I'm hoping I can let this be a means to an end for me.  I take responsibility for my actions...but I can't for the life of me figure out why or what makes me continue on with all this shit.  I HATE it.  I wish I was stronger than this shit...and I'm fighting to be stronger, but it's going to be quite a journey.  And I know you have no tolerance for weaknesses in people...but I really do feel it's something that's completely out of my control anymore.

So the bottom line is this...  I want you to be rid of me if that's what you wish to be so.  I can't take away the memories of me, but I shall go to the ends of the earth to keep you from having to deal with me in the future.

I thank you for your apology...and your kindness in doing so.  That meant a lot.  I only hope my apologies can have a similar effect on you.  I'm glad you can still recognize the beauty we had at one point.  That means a lot to me, regardless of what happens from here on out.  The good side of you is nice to see surface amidst all the anger and pain I've seen.  I hope it prevails.

There are so many more things I could go on and on about that I want you to know...and that I'd like to know from you.  And crazier even yet...is that if 10 seconds...10 minutes...10 years from now our paths cross...on purpose or not, I'd want you back in my life. But I have to stop somewhere.  So I'll stop making things worse and wrap this up.

Thank you...and I'm sorry...and I loved you...and I love you...and I'm sorry...and I thank you.  You're truly a beautiful person.  I'll cherish that for always.  We had a beautiful thing...I'll also treasure that for always.

I do really want the best for you...I hope you know that.  Even if that means I'm not part of what's best for you.  As I've said already, I think we both deserve all the love and happiness in and beyond this world.  And I imagine that one way or another, we'll both find that, as well as peace in our lives.

I wish you the best of luck in everything.  Maybe the time you're saying you're taking away from computers will do you some real good.  I don't have that discipline, or enough other activities, to have that kind of strength.  So kudos...  Then again, I don't really desire actually wanting to get away from computer right now, so I'm all right.  Good luck with your class...and job-hunting...and with <your Daughter>...and progressing in your life.  I have no doubt you'll find happiness and success.  You're very ambitious like that.    So go do what you have to do...and I'll do what I have to do in my life.  Take care, Scott.


Always and Sincerely,
<Kooky>

----------**********----------**********--------
"I like too many things and get all confused and hung up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion."

-Jack Kerouac

Same goes for me. I shouldn't have said anything - I should have stayed out of it ... but the snow fell where it had to. Time for me to shovel again.

We all just got back from "Kung Fu Hustle".
*sigh* ... why can't my friends just get along. I'm here with MFIJ, Greg, and Scott ... and all of them are 'arguing' about the Pope of all things.

====
MFIJ finally left the room to smoke - Greg and Scott laughed and I went off.
I then left the room and took a shit. After I got rid of my shit, I washed my hands of it.
I came back out and found MFIJ on my computer, Greg on the couch, and Scott on his computer. I point to Greg and MFIJ and said,
"It's time for me to take you two home."
Greg was surprisingly quite. Conversation finally started up. I dropped him off.
MFIJ then started apologizing left and right. I stopped him. I had already told him what I thought he had done wrong (even before I left the room) and he was cool with it.
They where just having fun - and I understand that ... but I don't agree with it.
I don't see bickering and fighting - intentionally pushing buttons and egging someone on ... to be fun.
Why can't my friends get along?
Because I am attracted to strong personalities and bull headed people - they don't get along with each other ... just me.

I don't know where Scott is now. I'm sure he thinks I'm mad at him. I'm not.
I've been gone a long time now though. That is because when I feel a lack of love or appreciation - I want only one other thing. The love of a man - and since I can't have that; and I already feel like crap because I feel as if I was put in a position to chose sides between three of my friends ... I went to the arcade.

I spent $23 dollars for crappy porn - saw 3 old men look me over and leave, two really attractive men look at me and leave - and then listened to them in another booth with each other. After the money had run out, I cried for a little bit then packed up my shit and started home. Realized I needed some things from the store - got that and came home.
Sat down to write - going to make dinner and play Solitaire.

Today Rocked.
I won the game of Spider Solitaire on the first try.
I got in the Car and turned the radio on and it was my song. It spoke to me louder then usual - I sang the whole way to work. I was late - but still got everything done.
I turned in our old rewards program and got a $28 gift certificate at work - so I had lunch on them, and they also bought what I needed for our 'potato bar' at my second job.
The 'cool guy' that I like talking to during the day - will be with us on nights this week. He and I laughed most of the night about "Kung-Fu Hustle" - did I mention seeing that this weekend - hysterical!

Getting ready for bed - talking to Scott.
This day was great.

I am the son And the heir Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar I am the son and heir Of nothing in particular You shut your mouth How can you say I go about things the wrong way ? I am human and I need to be loved Just like everybody else does I am the son And the heir Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar I am the son and heir Oh, of nothing in particular You shut your mouth How can you say I go about things the wrong way ? I am human and I need to be loved Just like everybody else does There's a club, if you'd like to go You could meet somebody who really loves you So you go, and you stand on your own And you leave on your own And you go home, and you cry And you want to die When you say it's gonna happen now Well, when exactly do you mean ? See, I've already waited too long And all my hope is gone You shut your mouth How can you say I go about things the wrong way ? I am human and I need to be loved Just like everybody else does "How Soon is Now?" by The Smith's

As much as yesterday rocked - today Sucked.

Everything hurts.
I have pains in my feet, my nipples and chest and occasionally my arms. I've had a head ache now for about three days - comes and goes, but mostly comes. Eyes have been fuzzy also - especially in the morning.
I have been dwelling over every past broken heart - As far back as Devin's betrayals and Greg's resentments.
I don't know if something is trying to wake up or die, but I wish it would just get it over with.

I'm just way to tired for all of this. Zombie patterns have set in. I just sleep, eat, work ... cry - dwell - brood ... stare into space.

====

Had a great night laughing at my second job. The 'cool' guy I think got a bit of a wake up call just before I left though. Funny as hell really. We had a lot of funny names tonight. One of the girls called one out, which he misheard.
"Cleaners?" He asked.
"Wieners!" She repeat.
"Even better!" I exclaimed.
"Dude, aren't you straight?" he asked me.
"No." I replied.
"Because you just said Wieners are better." He said.
"I know." I replied.
"Wait ..." it began to sink in.
"Me - Queer as a three dollar bill." I said.
"Oh ..." and he went back to typing. He was still cool - I think it just shook him a second. I'm surprised he hadn't caught on sooner - but some people just don't. I am not your typical gay man.
I think it will be even funnier when I loan him "Priscilla, Queen of the Dessert" tomorrow. We where talking about versatile actors, and he mentioned John Leguizamo in several films including "To Wong Fu" and I mentioned the movie Priscilla and that it stared the guy from the Matrix and Lord of the Rings (Hugo Weaving) showing real emotions. He had to see that. I told him I would loan it to him. He loaned me a CD of Mushroom head since I had heard of the band, but not heard the band.

Griffin just told me he's been sick all week ... a long time ... with a fever. I about Mother Slapped him

Time to eat a little and sleep.

Work was interesting. Nothing to really write about. I got home and saw this ...

James: Going to be up there around 6 tonight
James: I'll call you from the hotel
James: That's if 6506 is still your #
James: Will be up there until Sunday morn

I guess he didn't get the message with the Obituary. Or when I had told him not to write me again and think of me as dead since I 'haunt' him. Or when I asked him never to write me when he was drunk. Or that I haven't respond to any of these messages. His last message on the 22nd still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
"I still agonize over knowing what you go through....even more now than ever"
I don't care that he agonizes over "what I go through" - because I don't agonize over "what I go through". Point blank - the world was always about him - now he has a disorder - and he agonized over what he goes through and he's trying to play out for some sympathy ... and I just don't have it. He said and did some very mean things to me, with little to no reason at all. I've forgiven him - but I don't like nor can I tolerate that his attitudes about me haven't changed much.
I'm still "sick" - I'm still "dying" or "dead" since I haunt him. I'm not a real person to him, I'm a "meat puppet" to which he has no responsibily to emotionally but I have every responsibily to his emotions, feelings, and ideas.
I have to admit - I'm curious as to why he's going to be down here. I almost want to help him out ... almost.
Frankly, until he can "agonize" over what he did to me ... I honestly don't give a shit for him now. I live with the better memories that he had given me. I relish that time, those feelings, and those events ... and I won't let him tarnish them for me.

Rant done ...

==== 20:00

The 'cool' guy is back to normal. I just wasn't able to stick around for that initial shock to wear off.
Talking to one of the guys he hangs out with during the day, I told him the story and he said he would have given just about anything to have seen the look on his face.

BTW' I was for the first time slapped as "management" with that new title I recieved this year. As 'Lead Worker' I was approached by my 'boss' and told that there had been a complaint about the subject and content of our discussions at night (being to 'racey' with inappropriate language). When I asked if this discussion was going to be had with everyone that was talking, she said -
"No, as Lead Worker it would be your job to guide the discussions away from this and or make reprimands and stop it."
'Doh!!' Darn it. Thank god this ends soon.
I did get to turn the tables on that manager. She shot a rubber band across the room at me, and missed. I picked up the rubber band and said,
"Didn't we just have a discussion about the manager setting a good example?" Much to her credit she realized how hypocritical it was and quit with an aplology.

You always seem to learn everything you want to know on the last day of Summer Camp. (paraphrased from "Happy Campers").

No Snow Flake falls in an inappropriate place.

I almost had two dramas today.
The first being that my Mom came to see me at work, and about 5 minutes later, my Dad. They missed each other ... good thing.

The Second .... Mom called me at work. "You could have warned me that James was in town." I explained that I didn't really know until yesterday ... late ... and frankly I can't believe he went over and 'bothered' her. She called to warn me that he was on his way to the store to find me and he wanted to take me to lunch. "I'm having lunch with you Mom." I explained. She told me she wouldn't be upset, we could post pone ... "I'm having lunch with you Mom." I stated as plain as I could.

"Good thing he didn't come here." Scott said when I came home.
"He did, you just didn't hear him knocking at the door." I told him, which is what Mother had told me.
"He went to your Mom's!?!" Scott exclaimed.
"Yes, that is how he found out I was at work still, and why she called to warn me." I replied.
"He's getting ballzy." Scott stated.
"One thing he never lacked was Confidence and balls."
"If he comes back I'm going to hit him and shut the door and lock it." Scott said.
"Please don't. Just shut the door." I said. I don't understand the animosity that is in all these people. I guess it's just a reaction to the fact, that they know how much he hurt me - and they don't understand why I give him as much credit as I do ... and I realize they don't want me to get hurt again, but still ...
"I guess I'm lucky that <MFIJ> is in Branson for his sister's reception this weekend." I said.
"Yeah, he would just kill him. I'm not sure I would stop him either." Scott replied. I didn't want to hear any more of that - so I let him get back to his phone conversation, and sat down to write about it all.

For such a Smart Man, James can be a really Stupid Boy at times. I told him not to write, but he did. I told him not to write drunk, but he did. I sent him my obituary. I didn't respond to his messages. My Mother wouldn't invite him in the house ... My Room mate wouldn't open the door. When he came in the store - I still didn't 'SEE' him. We ended up speaking on the intercom. Since I had been warned, I actually turned out the lights in my office when I went up front to work on the computer. I heard a call for 'customer service to recieving' (kind of ironic). I picked up the intercom hoping to catch whoever had made the call and tell him that receiving was closed and to tell whoever to come back some other time. Instead, before I could explain anything that whoever just said 'Here he is' and gave the intercom to James. "Is Bret Turner available?" James asked, and I should have pretended to be someone else and told him I was gone - but the first thing out of my mouth was the recognition of his voice. "James." I said. He knew it was me now. He asked if I had any plans, because he would like to take me to lunch. "I have lunch with my Mother on Saturday's. Just like I always have." I reminded him. "Oh ... where are you going to eat?" He asked. "We eat at her place." I reminded him. "Oh that's sweet." and I was just thinking to myself - still as condesending as always. "Do you think she would mind a guest?" "Yes, she would. She plans these all week, and isn't planing on a guest." "I understand." he said ... seemingly dejected, but I didn't care. I couldn't believe that he felt he could even ask to just 'horn in' on a plan, let alone at a place he should have already gotten the idea he wasn't welcome. I found out later that Mother didn't even let him in the appartment, and said she got the idea he really wanted to come in and just wait for me to get there. "But it's not my responsibilty to entertain him." She said - and I agreed. I told him my weekend was full. He said he would try to give me more notice next time. I was really hoping there wouldn't be a next time. I kept thinking about "White Noise" (which I haven't seen, but I am familiar with the concept). The intercom had a lot of static on it, and James would curse when it got bad. But why should he expect to hear everything when he's talking to a dead man that haunts him? I actually broke down and asked WHY he was in town. No hesitation to give and evade the answer. "To see someone." He said. "But I wanted to visit you while I was here." "To see someone." I said with a little bit of a question. "Yeah." That was all he was going to tell me, and I wasn't going to push. Honestly I didn't care that much - his life moved on. That was good.

What I can't understand is how he even thinks he has the right to try and talk to me after the way he ended things. To lie to me so completely, and make me so happy until he just decides not only to end it, but destroy as much of me as possible. To tell me we are having problems that he willing to work out, work on. To make me schedual the appointments with a therapist to try and fix the problems and then tell me that he isn't going to go ... not even come to the city because he has already slept with someone else. Someone that isn't old, or unhealthy, that doesn't remind him of his curly headed whore of a mother. To just continue to drive into me that I was unpassionate, and couldn't please him because I couldn't even just lay there and take it right. I was nothing more then a meat puppet to him. I couldn't have any feelings. I didn't even deserve someone as good as him.