Recent Journal Entries
©March 2005 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

My day started with this -

(FlashBack)
geckozen (5:39:48 AM): geckozen was my role playing ID. I don't even play that game any more - also ... I'm gay. Would love to chat but currently work 2 jobs and am barely at this computer.
suuperwomen2703 (5:39:49 AM): hold on a minute. be right back
geckozen (5:40:20 AM): hope you find what you are looking for 'kara' (the name of Superwoman).
suuperwomen2703 (5:47:37 AM): ok im badk. sorry bout that. still there?
geckozen (5:48:31 AM): eating breakfast before I leave for work in 5 minutes
suuperwomen2703 (5:48:43 AM): oh no nott work... thats a 4 letter word you know..
suuperwomen2703 (5:49:04 AM): ell anyway, guess your not there?
geckozen (5:50:04 AM): I am here -
suuperwomen2703 (5:50:10 AM): oh yourr there hi...
geckozen (5:50:16 AM): just eating and taking meds before I leave
suuperwomen2703 (5:50:23 AM): a/s/l (age sex location)?
geckozen (5:50:42 AM): 38/gay male/Kansas
suuperwomen2703 (5:50:50 AM): oh your gag.. lol.. ok cya
geckozen (5:52:27 AM): I said that in my earlier message - I guess you really werent just looking for 'chat'
geckozen (5:55:05 AM): hmm ... guess not ... must be as shallow as your picture leads me to believe - have a nice life

Today-
nutonmychin6903: ok im back. sorry bout thhat. still there?
BJ: yeah - I'm getting ready to go to work
nutonmychin6903: oh no not workk... thats a 4 letter word you know..
BJ: I had this exact conversation about a day ago
nutonmychin6903: oh your there hi....
BJ: your profile is empty - no pic
nutonmychin6903: i have some pics on my homepage the link is in my lrofile, still working on it ...
nutonmychin6903: a//s/l (age sex location)?
BJ: my profile is filled out - you first
nutonmychin6903: im 27/f/USA. was lookin at your profile. thought you might like to chat.
nutonmychin6903: so what have yyou been up to misfitlife?
BJ: besides if you really wanted to chat - you wouldn't ask
BJ: work - 2 jobs
nutonmychin6903: cool. i was just hangin out watching tv. i was getting kinda hornny (*blushes)
nutonmychin6903: feel like a little cyber fun with me ? please pleaase...
BJ: 27 and female - now you are horny - you don't want to chat
BJ: must have missed the part about me being 38 and GAY
nutonmychin6903: oh well your loss. why dont you open up my profile and see what you missed out on. theres a link there to my homepage where i have some real nice pics to leavee with.
BJ: are you the same superwoman I 'spoke' with about a day ago
nutonmychin6903: oh your gay.. loll.. ok cya
BJ: I'll say one more time - your profile is EMPTY
BJ: and once again the shallow bitch abandons all conversation when finds out I'm gay ... when she lied about wanting to 'chat' - because she couldn't even READ a real profile

By the way - I'm not in the best of moods first thing in the morning - don't play with me.
It's a fucking Bot I'm sure. I hate that. Would be worse if it pretended to be a gay man.

Work was great. Everything fell apart in the last hour. I'm home now. Scott is sick and stayed home. I get my own car for work tonight.
First - Lunch and check my blood sugar.
Next - Vote.

Funny story. Last night one of the ladies I work with came over and said,
"I have a question for you, please don't get offended." I stopped typing.
"Okay. I promise."
"How do I vote tomorrow." I just chuckled - how is that supposed to offend me?
"I'm not going to tell you how to vote. I take it you are asking about the discrimination law though?" She nod.
"If you vote YES, then you are wanting the law in place which will allow discrimination against Homosexuals. If you Vote NO then you disagree with the law and nothing will change for a while, but certain things will have to be considered, like Gay Marriage."
"So I should Vote NO." She said.
"I am." I said with a smile.

Losing time - got to go.

===== 21:35

CITY OF TOPEKA QUESTION SHALL THE FOLLOWING BE ADOPTED?                     The City of Topeka and its various Boards and Commissions may not enact, adopt, enforce or administer any ordinance, regulation, rule or policy which provides that homosexual, lesbian or bisexual orientation or gender identity or expression; status, conduct or relationship: constitutes, entitles, or otherwise provides a person with the basis to have any claim of minority or protected status, quota preference, or other preferential treatment.                     This provision of the City Code shall in all respects be self-executing. Any ordinance, regulation, rule or policy enacted before this provision is adopted that violates the foregoing prohibition shall be null and void and of not force of effect. O Yes O No

Honestly, I was upset enough that this had to come to a Vote.
I had been told that the ordinance was going to be worded oddly, and it was explained to me which way I should vote.
I read the Ordinance to make sure that I had been told correctly (and I had). I had to read it twice to make sure of that though.
Next I read it again to become even more offended at what was really trying to be taken away.

All over the News I have been hearing nothing more then voters complaining how confusing this was. Many believe they may have Voted 'wrong'.
Lets learn to read Legalize:

The Heading - the actual Question
SHALL THE FOLLOWING BE ADOPTED?
This is what decides if you answer YES or NO. Do you want this.
Next - What is it they are asking us to Adopt?
The City of Topeka (thank god, not the entire STATE) may NOT enact ANY policy which 'gives' (Group - here, 'gays' ... OR ANY OTHER PERSON) any CLAIM of minority or protected status.

Is everyone following this? Not only will the Group not be given any 'special treatment' they can't even use this 'group' or definition as a CLAIM of mistreatment (Even if you are mistakenly put in this group - thus Any Other Person).
"He said he beat me because I was gay." Said the Straight man in the hospital talking to the police.
"Sorry." The police reply, "Gay can't be claimed as a reason."
"It's the reason he gave. He called me Faggot as he beat me."
"Gay's don't exist for the law. So it isn't a reason for beating you."
"I'm not gay though."
"Good, because it wouldn't make any difference. We can't help you."
"What do you mean?" the beaten man would ask.
"Would you rather say he beat you because you are black? Maybe he called you Nigger?"
"I'm not black. I'm as WASP as you are officer."
"I know, but Gay doesn't exist to the law as a minority or a claim for discrimination. Black is still on the books though - actually you can pick any race you want."
Am I making my point yet?

By the way - let's not forget;
This shall be self-executing - and any rule or law previously observed would instantly be null and void.
And ONLY for this defined group.
Thus anything that previously read - "Can't be discriminated against for age, race, religion, sexual preference or history" would still be on the books and could still be enforced - but 'sexual preference' could only mean you couldn't be discriminated against for loving an Older partner, or an animal partner, or any other sexual preference that was not 'same sex or sex identity' oriented.

I am SO glad I vote.
I am SO worried about how this might turn out. How many became confused? ... I can only hope is that bigots that wanted this to pass thought "NO" meant NO GAYS and voted it out.

It's late now. I must snack and go to bed.

I have so much to do today.
The scheming has gotten thick. I can't wait. Either can She.

====13:25

THANK YOU TOPEKA!!

Gay rights BAN FAILS! Yes 12,795 - No 14,285
Not as big a margin as I would have liked, but good enough to keep me safe.

Next - there is a State wide amendment coming up for basically the same thing but focusing on 'Gay Marriage'.
I have heard two great points on this.
A law will not stop someone that is gay from loving someone. Why can't we just respect it the same as 'our' love?
Are you tired of hearing about all of this 'Gay Marriage' crap? Then vote it in and make us shut up.

Oh, and by the way "or other preferential treatment." kind of voids out this whole document - after all ... Isn't prejudice a special treatment? (especially if it's aimed at only ONE group of people).

=== 23:00

I think I have just proven that you can lose forever.
I don't like to go to bed until I have won a game of solitaire. At this rate I'll be up till dawn.
I'm giving up.
Just like at love.

Getting ready to tackle Breakfast like a real problem. Tired of being on my ass and eating candy at 9am every day and feeling like crap.
Adding more nutritious carbs to breakfast and have bagels at work now.

I have a Dr.'s appointment at 2pm.
I have a surprise arriving in town about 11:30.
I have work at 3pm.
One actual lie to call in to Scott at about 5pm so he comes home for the surprise.
Home to chat with everyone for a short time.
Then I really have to sleep.

=== 13:00

Likwid Kaos - throws a kink in every plan.
He cut himself at work today and went to the hospital - refused stitches and got glued. Wasn't sure if he was going to be able to stay at work. Damn it Man! We are trying to surprise you - stay where you are supposed to be!
It's okay, she didn't get started until just a little bit ago.
Karma is willing to let this work - just not let it be easy.

=== 20:30

I keep forgetting about things I want to write about.
Like the woman on the news that was asked if she wanted to let us know how she had voted.
"I'd rather not say now, but I will say I'm not gay."
You know, that pretty much tells me how she was thinking, and probably how she voted anyway.
I much rather would have heard "I'd rather not say, but I will say I'm not a narrow minded bigot."

It's not a 'gay' issue.
It IS a HUMAN RIGHTS ISSUE.
Here's my big point.
If you want to stop discrimination - stop writing laws that discriminate. That INCLUDES laws that tell you how NOT to discriminate.
Laws should read at best - "All entities are equal and you can't discriminate."
There - that will even hold if Aliens land of the planet, and keep one breed of dog over another from working on the Police force or in helping the Handicapped.
Wasn't that easy?

Scott was beside himself as we suspected he would be.
My ploy to get him home fast worked. I called just as he was getting off work and told him I had forgotten my med's. I really needed him to get them for me.
"I think they are on the computer, if they aren't call me and I'll tell you which ones to bring. I really appreciate it. One of these days I'll figure out a way to thank you properly."
He told me he stormed in the house looking for the med's. He couldn't find them, picked up the phone and had half the numbers dialed before he heard "Pssst!", turned around and saw her on the couch. He said he lost all motor skills because he couldn't even get the phone back together to hang it up. He decided to get even though. He called me at work.
"They aren't on the computer, which ones do you need?" He asked me. He sounded genuine - she was supposed to be there and let him know it was a rouse.
"You're kidding right?" I asked. He said no. I was wondering if she was in the wrong apartment, or stepped out even though I had just called and told her he was going to be there in a few minutes. "She should have told you I don't need them." I said.
"YOU ARE SO EVIL!" He suddenly spout out. Okay, she was there. "Thank you so much for making me come home first." He said. I mentioned it was the only thing I figured would work without raising suspicion - he agreed.
His cut isn't a bad as I lead myself to believe it was. About a centimeter long, just deep - maybe 2 or 3 stitches if he had taken them. Instead he demanded glue. Should still hold fine as long as he lets it heal like they instructed.

I have talked to MFIJ again (yesterday). His fever finally broke and he's feeling much better now. He decided not to smoke any more - actually from talking to him, I think it finally struck the nerve it needed to and his stubborn streak will back him up now. I think he may have really quit. I'm supposed to call him this weekend.
For some reason I want to see Greg. ... Don't know why. I saw him on Sunday ... I just do. Maybe I'll buy myself lunch where he works tomorrow or something.

Also ... I wrote another 'stanza' of what maybe another poem (this would make three rolling around in my head that I haven't found the time to write down).

I would rather cry tears of joy
for helping other connect
Then the tears of rejection
from the frustration of new people

That would link up with what I wrote to stop crying a few days ago.

Maybe that is what I should do instead of solitaire before bed.

Oh, and the best of humor today at work.
First - one of the Assistant Managers wore the same Hawaiian shirt that I did. The Deli manager was teasing us,
"Did you call each other this morning and decide which shirt to wear?" I just winked and then nudged him and said,
"No, I just nudged him this morning and we talked about it." He just began to blush and roll his eyes. The Deli Manager then came to his rescue by saying,
"See now, I know that isn't true because if you nudged him awake you would have just told him to wear a different shirt then yours!" We all began to laugh, and he thanked the Deli manager.
Second - I embarrassed the District manager today. He used to be our store manager (one of the ones I really liked). Today he was there to oversee some of the 'sanitation changes' we had to make for the inspectors that where still riding us about a mice problem - everything had to be 18" off the floor so it could be swept under and nothing can now rest against the walls - 18" away. So he was there helping to paint lines and move storage shelves. One of the things that was a 'big change' was raising Damaged up off the floor. Just as they (two other assistant managers (including the one I embarrassed earlier) and two stockers)finished and he was putting a few of the boxes away, he said:
"There you go, Bret. Now you won't have to bend over so far." The other four paused. I tried to give him an escape.
"Sorry, what did you say?"
"I said you won't have to bend over so far now." Well, he asked for it.
"But that was one of my more renowned talents." the assistants began to giggle. He stopped in his tracks and hung his head. I laughed.
"<Name>, hasn't been around for a while and forgot not to leave me an opening like that - didn't he?" He just started to laugh and replied,
"I'm not even going to touch that remark. I'm dropping it right now." We were all laughing.

How did I get to be the Doctor?
Between convincing a sick MFIJ that using Pepper Spray to clear your sinuses is a BAD idea and Scott to go back to the Doctor and get his wound cleaned (because he feels like crap and it's bleeding with white and pussie stuff) and some antibiotics - - I'm beginning to feel like I'm the only one with some common medical sense.
Maybe I'm not the Doctor, just the Mother that makes them go and do what they know they should.

I had lunch with Greg. Caught him as he was leaving with Lunch, I order and we sat down there and talked.

I stayed up way to late again.
Solitaire and Poetry.
Tonight I'll be up late again ... either for Sci-Fi night or going to see someone I work with play in a band at a bar.
I'm hoping its for the later. I like to support people I know with there endeavors, and I need to get out more and be social.
It would be a change of pace.

Currently - I am late for work.

I called MFIJ, I stopped by Greg's. Scott and his girlfriend met us at the Theater.
We saw the Pacifier.
I took Greg home so he could meet up with his girlfriend.
MFIJ and I came back here with Scott and Girlfriend - ordered Pizza.
MFIJ started feeling ill, and is passed out in my room now.
Watching "United States of Lealand".
Going to go bed soon.
Supposed to "call" Greg and see "The Jacket" tomorrow.

I saw Greg's friend (the one that doesn't find me attractive), barefoot. He gave me a hug - he likes my hugs.
That's all the likes.

I finished two of the poems today. I have to stop writing the one - it's depressing me.

Here's the one that isn't depressing me.

Echoes from the Abyss

What is going on
here?
Do you know who
I am?
When is it going
to matter?
Where is the Love
I need?
Can you understand
me?
Is there anyone else
out there?
Why can't I get this
to work?
Why do I put up with this
abuse?
Who will help
me?
Why did you
leave me?
Why won't you
answer me?
Am I all
alone?

Here is the one that I could keep writing forever, and it would just get worse and worse. I make a point though. I just don't know how many others will see it.

I'd rather Cry

I would much rather
Cry the tears of heart ache
for being alone
Then Cry the tears of heart break
for having been loved and left.

I would much rather
Cry the tears of joy
for helping others connect
Then Cry the tears of frustration
from the rejection of new people

I would much rather
Cry the tears of Anger
over injustice and cruelty
Then cry the tears of indignation
from the denial that it couldn't happen

I would much rather
Cry tears of sorrow
for the loss of a friend
Then Cry bitter tears
for the false hope he would survive

I would much rather
Cry tears of triumph
Because someone overcame the odds
Then Cry tears of hollow joy
because I had to hold on to hope

I would much rather
Cry tears of Loneliness
because everyone else is gone
The falsely smile with polite words
in a room full of strangers

I would much rather
Feel the reality of my existence
Then live in the illusion
of a politely constructed reaction

I know my tears can't change anything
So when I'm told how to feel,
I would much rather Cry

Spring is in the air. Storm clouds cover the night sky and lightening tears away at the gray and the dieing.
Mother Nature weeps over the dead, and cries tears of joy for the new beginnings.

Basically - it's raining.
Not enough to wash away my ... sins ... or my sorrow.

MFIJ stayed over night again. Greg went with us to see 'The Pacifier' and again this afternoon to see 'The Jacket'.
Maybe it was just me, but it seemed as if everyone (including Scott) was on edge about everyone else being around ... each seemed to wish I was the only one there.
Which, just seemed odd to me.
All them seemed to only try to 'behave' because I was there.

I had each of them pull 4 cards for me from the Zen deck. I then took 4 myself for each one of them. I wrote it all down, I'll look at them all later, especially since many of the cards are 'new' or very rare to my readings. All of them seemed interesting to accurate though.
I was just curious. What the 'energy' of these three important relationships where to me, and to them.

I want it to rain more.
I need something to wash the tears away.
Something to clean me off, or out, and give me a new beginning.

I'm just tired.
Tired of the others wasting, ignoring, taking for granted, abusing, there own happiness. Tired of hearing how everyone else's relationships are going.
Honestly - I am tremendously happy for them ... but what about me?
It is as if ... I don't know - maybe that my happiness isn't important, or even willing to be helped.
Any 'help' that is given is always in the form of 'You don't know what you are talking about - there IS someone out there for you' talks. Just beating me up with more Hope ... giving me lead weights as life preserver's.
IF someone actually decided to try and hook me up - I wonder how many times they would watch the other person leave me, and me get emotionally torn apart, before they decided to quit torturing me.

I was crying again this morning.
I couldn't sustain a 'valid' fantasy long enough to "finish". I damn near froze as the shower ran out of hot water trying.
There where no actual shortage of hugs ... but nothing that last long, nothing that lingered ... and I'm sure that was intentional because everyone would think I was just putting to much into it.
Greg even brought that up again. The only time I asked him to kiss me, and he said no because I would put to much into it. I didn't bring up that it didn't seem to matter when he was kissing my Boyfriend at a Halloween Party.
I was rolling dice in his car. I was asking what I would 'win' if I rolled the "!". We joked about my luck, and I that I couldn't possibly 'win' anyway. Because I knew I would lose, and even said it was because I knew I would lose, if I 'won' he would kiss me once. My God, if I had actually won - I think I would have given him the back of my hand for a little peck - I wouldn't dream of making anyone do anything they didn't want to do.
He refused to make the bet - on the same grounds.
I rolled a 4.
"God is looking out for you weather you believe it or not." I told him. "And I suspect the same is true for me. You never had anything to worry about Greg."

However ... because of this morning - because of all the 'love' I felt today, and still feeling so shut out by people that I know still think of me as the most wonderful, poisonous, person ...
I went to the arcade.
I locked myself in my favorite room, spent $8 in the machine - and cried again.
I tend to do that allot there now. I cry either way, if someone is there it's because I know they don't care past the point of the orgasm - and/or they are so unattractive to me; and also if no one is there and I am left to feel completely alone.

God, It is so late again.
There still isn't enough rain to wash out the dead parts of me.
... "Decay is the Art of God"
I think I will take my med's. and then cry softly in the shower. Then try to dream of a world that loves and trusts.
Because that is the other thing I see around me - they don't trust that I am out to protect them ... they believe that I can't stop it, or don't really want to. They just don't feel ... safe ... around me.

... I have to go.

btw' I should comment for everyone - this crying is a good thing.
It maybe happening more often, but it's not as long or as intense.
It just means that I am shedding tears for the past, for the truth, and getting ready to move on to new beginnings.

weather you believe it or not.

This day sucked - I am in the worst mood, but I am trying to direct it all at my Stupid Ass - Non-comunicative - Ass Hole MANAGER!

I have to eat or this will get really ugly.
Then I'll be rushing to get to my second job.

===== 21:30

I was so tired, and pissed off, until just about an hour before getting off my second job.
'Drew' finally joined us tonight ... and he didn't get any uglier.
Someone that I used to work with at my old store, joined us tonight also. It was great to see her.
... I've already stayed up to late trying to catch up on my TV. I should really wake up early and go to work to fix all the problems I have been left.
I am still very pissed at him.

"I love the way you say that." Scott said as I was telling him about it.
"What?" I replied.
"Most people just say they are going to quit. You say you want to kill him."
"I keep telling everyone I'm not as nice as they think I am."

Short and sweet, my Boss neglected to tell me two very important things today.
I had a trainee - from another store - to cover someone else's vacations (that he can't train himself).
My truck Dock is about to be dismantled and rebuilt - we had to trade docks, and I wasn't told about it. By the way - he didn't even tell the Assistant manager about it. When we tried to fix what we thought was a mistake, I was reprimanded for making a problem out of 'nothing' and causing it to now be a 'corporate decision' (because the District Manager now became involved).

FUCK HIM!! If he had told me ANYTHING about it I could have told them all about it and coordinate everything smoothly. Instead I found out about it because a Truck could not get into the Dock.
"Hell, I didn't even know anything about it until Saturday Night!" my Boss exclaimed.
"Well, It's 10:45 on Monday. When did you think you should tell me about it?"
"Well for that I apologize." He said with dripping sarcasm.

Screw it.
His other big complaint today was that I didn't have his numbers on time. Well, I was training someone - it's slower that way. We where also busy. I told him I would have to take a lunch and get some food so my blood sugar wouldn't crash, and then I could make sure everything was in and run his numbers. He said he couldn't wait.
I sent the trainee home - it was noon now. I then ate a bagel so I would last - and worked straight through until his god damn numbers where run. I went to hand them to him personally so he would know they where done ... he was at lunch.
I didn't get out of there until 1:45. I was at my other job by 2:30.
He can just continue to screw me over and have his back room fall apart. After all I have the memos to prove I can't just come in and work without his permission to okay the overtime.

You know to top it all off - I think I scared off one of the only people on the net that I liked talking to ... I've talked to him off and on for the past three years. I caught him on line the other day, and today I had to remind him who I was - and he just logged off.
Kind of hurt.

To tired, to emotional ... still trying to wash out the dead parts of me. Clean out the infections of my soul.

..

Oh never mind.

==== 21:00

Second job was better.
I came home to a message from Frank. He's depressed and bored.
Then I got an e-mail.

From : <James' e-mail address>
Subject : If Brett was Asian with shortened red hair .......

People haunt me through other people. Go figure.

Hope you see the resemblance (eyes & bone, flesh structure).

Found out I have chronic granulomatous disorder.

Blessings and wisdom for you and those around you.

James

I replied with this after showing the picture around a little.

From : Me
Subject : Re: If Brett was Asian with shortened red hair .......

You spelled my name wrong.
No one sees the resemblance
Sorry about the disorder - I still have HIV, Thrombocytopedia and now
Diabetes.

May your life bring you the challenges to get wisdom.

MiSfI+

I have to admit I was curious - I looked it up.

What is CGD?
Chronic Granulomatous Disorder is a rare, genetic condition which affects one in a million people. People with CGD have a faulty bone marrow gene, which means that certain white blood cells do not function correctly. These are known as neutrophils, which are responsible for killing fungi and bacteria. As a result, someone with CGD is more susceptible to fungal and bacterial infections. Medication is required continuously to keep infection at bay, but serious problems can arise that lead to life-threatening illnesses and prolonged periods in hospital. At present, a small number of CGD patients with an exact donor match can be given a Bone Marrow Transplant - however, this is not available for most CGD sufferers. There is no alternative cure at present but much hope is being pinned on gene replacement therapy - the replacement of a faulty or missing gene.

Sounds just like he was while we dated. I guess now he will get a little insight to what I deal with on a regular basis. Of course he has to pick something 'as rare as he is' and of course ISN'T contagious.
Considering how he treat me at the end of the relationship and after it was over - I'm having a hard time making my heart bleed for him ... of course - I have Thrombocytopedia, so I bleed easy.
I wouldn't wish this on him, or anyone ... but ... God had other plans.

Frankly, I feel more sorry for Frank. He had a friend commit suicide on his birthday. That's enough of his business.
Dentist tomorrow.

I don't know - maybe he has a point. Of course all it does point out to me is everything that I think is wrong and have been trying to change now for years. Like - I am over weight.

I finally blew up at my boss this morning. I came in, knowing that a milk truck would be in the dock and waiting.
Everything in the backroom had moved over in front of the dock door. What the HELL!
Here I was thinking that I would get caught up today - even with a trainee, and now ... I lose the first hour of my day rearranging the back room so that my FIRST truck of the day can get in.
At about 6:40 my boss comes in and tells me I can move the stuff back against the wall now - they had to scrub the floors last night. He was hoping that he would beat me here this morning and get all of that done.
BULLSHIT! He knows when I get there - and that I am usually there 10 minutes before him - and the first time he even comes to the back to say anything to me is at 6:40 (that being 40 minutes after I get there)?
I was just like 'fine whatever' and went back to my trainee.
"Are you Okay?" he asked me.
"No, I'm pissed." I told him.
"Why?" he said in disbelief. That was my last straw right there. I told him why I was mad. I'm never told anything and I lose half my days cleaning up things that I could have prevented with just a little communication.
"Well, I'm sorry." He said with sarcasm (it seemed) and started to walk away.
"No you're not." I retort and turned to go into my office. Well, he heard that and followed me in my office. Now of course we are in a tight in closed area and he has me 'pinned' in a corner.
"I am too." he said in his loud voice.
"No, I don't think you are because 'sorry' if it's meant is followed by a change of behavior. You haven't done that yet. I keep telling you problems that I have and I am not given the help or the support to get them fixed, and I'm blamed and yelled at when they get bigger."
"I've never yelled at you." He said.
"Yes, you do. I am not given the tools to do my job. I am tired and frustrated by it." We went about a round and half and he kept stepping into me and I kept backing up. I lead him out of my office. I even pointed out that his ASSISTANT doesn't even have an idea of what is going on, because he was the one that worked with me on the trash bin problem, because he was busy and turned it into his sarcastic 'corporate decision' when if I had been told anything about it I could have presented the problems and watched for the guy and stopped it from being an issue at all from the word GO.
"Where do you want me to put notes and things then?"
"Uh, How about in my MAILBOX. I check it several times a day if you don't think you can talk to me directly or over the intercom."
"What all do you want to know?"
"ANYTHING that is going to affect my job. I need to know what is going to be happening back here if I'm going to be able to work around it and not undo it, or fix it the way you DON'T want it. You will have to decide what I need to know - and if you don't know what affects my job, then maybe you need to know more about what my job is."
In the end, he said he would have a talk with his Assistant, and he would increase communication with me.
"I appreciate you saying it, but don't expect me to hold my breath. I've heard all this before, I'll believe it when it happens."
He walked off - probably calling me every name in the book behind my back as he did. At least I've said everything to his face.

My trainee actually stepped up the plate today and did really well. We caught up with everything except damaged. We were even busy today.

I'm eating lunch now - going to the dentist - then my Second job.
Oh, yesterday at the second job - I got people talking a lot. Most of that information I had been 'in trusted with' came out in the discussions. This was mostly 'Medical' information. I shared mine, others followed.
My favorite line - I was a little hyper for a little while, we where talking about med's.
"This bottle is full to the top first thing in the morning." I said showing my pill bottle.
"Jeez! What the hell is wrong with you?" I was asked.
"There is a list - which one do you want to know." I said laughing.
"Start with the less obvious." Was the reply. I liked that.
"HIV, thrombocytopedia, and Diabetes." I replied.
"Wow." was the reply. Later, I was asked more about how long I have had each (and what the second one was). I think I surprised them with the answer for HIV.

==== 21:00

And it continues.

James (I don't know the time, it didn't save in the folder) I hope you got my e-mail with the picture of the guy that kind of looks like you
James (this in Yahoo messenger) I'm working with the near dead and disabled. Fulfilling but stressful work. I'm getting richer by the day. I'm going to surprise you in a positive way someday.
-It's my guess he hasn't gotten his e-mail yet.-
misfitlife (8:55:06 PM): i got and replied to your e-mail. It may have sounded really abrupt but that is because I am working two jobs and I am tired
misfitlife (8:55:59 PM): Frankly, I find it odd that you chose to contact me again now - that you have a 'life threatening illness' after you treated me so badly as our relationship ended.
misfitlife (8:56:41 PM): I hope you surprise me in a positive way ... but much of the part of me that would expect it of you or anyone else is dieing.

I had a pretty good time at second work. My mouth was numb a long time today. I finally had to 'risk' eating because my blood sugar was falling. About the time I put food in my mouth it was like my body said,
"Food, I bet you need your lips for that." and suddenly all the feeling returned.
The guy I work with that also has a 'life threatening illness' made a joke today that I thought was hysterical.
He was talking about how he was feeling symptoms from the cure - and mentioned that he had skipped a treatment and his skin was returning to a normal color (of which I hadn't noticed it was any different).
"Yeah, most of the time it looks like - well, like I have some life threatening disease." Then he just looked at me and started to laugh - and I started to laugh right along with him. At least he has a sense of humor about it. I hope he can keep that.

Things were going so well, I should have known -

I had a reasonable day at work. My Trainee kept up and did really well. My Boss stayed out of my way and didn't throw any surprises at me (he even told me about an upcoming Inventory - as soon as he found out about it).
I was paid, and it was a good check.
I made it to my second job on time - had a little trouble staying awake at first, but it was a good night. They even decided that we didn't have enough work, so they gave us the option of not coming in Friday (today - I won't get paid, but it won't count as a missed day or against the hours we are supposed to have).

On the way to work, I had seen MFIJ walking. Since I wasn't driving I couldn't stop and he didn't see me wave. I called him on my break to say hi, but I got the machines.

Scott was down when he picked me up ... but we talked and he seemed happier when he went to bed.

2:30 in the morning - there is this insane knocking at my window. MFIJ.
Kicked out of his house because they could smell alcohol on him. He did smell like a bar. He asked if he could sleep here.
*sigh* I said yes.
He didn't sleep much. His 'party' was wearing off. That is the good thing about us, and the fact that I'm good about when to ask him a question - I get the real answers. He did some bad things last night.

I'm going to work.
I'll come home and take him home after some lunch - then get a hair cut and sleep for a while (I hope).

==== 21:45

Interesting day - but it was Stargate Atlantis that brought me here.

KATE'S OFFICE. Teyla is having another session with Kate.
TEYLA: I know that it is not my fault. There is nothing I can do about it. The fact is, I am really no different now than I was yesterday or last week.
KATE: But you feel different.
TEYLA: Yes. I-I think the thing that I am most worried about is how people will perceive me. My father told people that it was a gift – I was special, but in a good way. I could help my people by warning them of the Wraith's approach. He did it to protect me, but in many ways I think that it is why they first turned to me as a leader.
KATE: As you just said, you're no different than you were yesterday.
TEYLA: Yes – but now they have reason to fear me.

Now read that as if Teyla has HIV instead.
I've said it all before.

So I wake up ... barely. I need more sleep. However - Yahoo.

James: U've got male
James: *chuckkkle*

No, I don't and he should know it ... Cruel. So I go to the e-mail and find this.

From : James Subject : More Haunts

Dear B r e t,

(to *? I think his ex-room mate and friend*)

James: I am like totally drunk and I had to go to quick trip twice cuz I drive like a cop and spilled my first cappucccino heeh
James: Anyway, at the first QT this guy that completely looks like Bret just 10 years older was out of gas, so I gave him $9
James: Even though I am alone and lonely, I know there's some damn good that god owes me


(to an X)

James: Awr....um I just got from the bar to Quick Trip...in which I gave this trustworthy-looking dude $9 cuz he obviously and certifiably ran out of gas...then went to another quick trip cuz I drove like a cop and spilled my first cappuccino....soo....here I am drunk as hell

(bleh)

I gave him the money cuz he was you but 10-15 years older looking. So...there you go dammit *chuckle*

Still drunk....going to quit for the damn ass disease bullshit. Someday. Argh matey....


I think of you in my ....most popular (was at the new bar..and they wanted to fuck me and things and I say no!) yet darkest hours?

James

*sigh & passs out oafter editing my gramar which s8ux*

I'm still waiting for that positive surprise.
MFIJ is still here ... detoxing really. This puts him in some strange moods. I came in and said 'HI' before turning on the light, the thought I was trying to tell him he had done something wrong, and he didn't know what it was. I stopped him, calmed him and went on with finding my mail.
*sigh* I'm to tired for work - good thing I have a trainee to do the work today.
MFIJ and I got haircuts yesterday.
I also got my licence's un-suspended.
Found out I have a bill overdue - going to pay it today, but they are still upset with me ... tough.

Need to eat and go to work.
I'll respond to this letter later and then I think pass out for the afternoon.

==== 15:30

Trainee didn't show up. I got everything done.
I came home and wrote this.

To : James Subject : Re: More Hauntings

James,

I can't 'Haunt' you, because I'm NOT DEAD.
Still quite fully alive and living the best I can within the circumstances that I am given.

It is your memory or perhaps even your conscience that 'haunts' you. The fact that it seems to have chosen my image - boggles me.
Maybe it's because you want something I used to give you. But you made it quite clear that you wanted nothing from me again - and I made it quite clear (or so I thought) that there is nothing more I can say to you that I have not already said. You chose to ignore those words, and actions.
Well, the information and the memories are still there. Use them if you want - it is your past ... do with it what you will.

I would tell you about my life, but I know you don't care. You could find out if you wanted to, but these letters have been all about you (what you did, what you saw, what you think, what you want, just You).

So - what am I supposed to be impressed with now?
That you have a disease and you can now suffer like you have always wanted to? (I mean really - I know you are competitive but CGD doesn't match HIV, you aren't even contagious - there is no stigma - you have it easy).
That you still drink to excess (and it seems to be getting worse)?
That out of some desire (I don't know, pity, remorse, guilt, conscience, compassion, good will) you gave someone in need a  WHOLE $9!! (I'm surprised you didn't throw in a shiny new penny as well to help cover the sales tax). That you think of me - as something that haunts you, or as something from your most popular and darkest hours?
That you are beating off men with a stick and telling them "No, Don't fuck me!" (my god the virtue you must have now).

You know damn well that I DON'T have Male ... no one will have me. I've been to broken to play with anymore. I'm off to the island of MiSfI+ toys.

James ... I will now allow you to live as you wish (even with the 'Hauntings' - since I will not answer anything else ... I may as well be as dead to you now - as I was then).

Have fun with your Competitive Intelligence, Combative Wisdom and Life of Rivalry.
---

Thinking about going to see 'Robots' but I think I need a nap first.

==== 22:00

I took MFIJ to see "Hostage" instead. It was a good movie.
I have also sat down and opened all my mail and now realized that I am really behind in my bills and I need to get my shit together and get this stuff paid and get back on Schedual.
My ears are all plugged up - I feel like I'm in a tunnel. It sucks.

I'm going to up load this and ... I don't know - maybe go to sleep again.

I just got Boned on my Taxes. My Federal refund won't even cover what I owe the State.
*Sigh*
After figuring out all the bills I owe or are past due right now ... I'm deep in a hole. Don't even know how I got here.
Working two jobs with one (and a half) days off in a week ... you would think ...
*sigh*

My ears are still stuffed up. My head sounds like a Melon. I feel like I'm in a tunnel. The ringing is annoying - the pain isn't bad ... yet. I just need them to pop - I've yawned a hundred times and chewed ... I got nothing left to try except a decongestant and my sinuses are fine (I'm afraid it will dry that out to much and I'll get nose bleeds for a while).

Don't know now if I want to play Solitaire, work on that last poem or just go back to sleep like MFIJ did.

Lets see. As I took MFIJ home, we stopped.

To: Greg Subject : Thanks

Hey Greg,

Thanks for helping Mike with the key board. He really appreciate it.
Thank you also for the hug last night - sorry if I held on to long but I really needed it.

He may not have even noticed, but I thought I should say thanks anyway.
I then came home and ...

misfitlife (9:18:06 PM): Thanks for your understanding this weekend. You will have the place to yourself next weekend
Scott (10:00:52 PM): if i hear one more cough in my entire life, i'm going to go insane!!!!!!!!! LOL

To Barb and Dave
misfitlife (5:53:32 AM): Thanks for the weekend guys - really appreciate it. I also really appreciate your putting up with MFIJ. I'd like to apologize for some of his behavior - the reason he spent the weekend with me is because his drugs where changed and he was really on edge and didn't want to start fights with his parents. He wanted a few days to level out. *shrug* don't know if it worked, but he tried.

Then I thought about it, and remembered - then thought about it, decided to leave it at that.
Problem is, the drugs that where changed, where of his free will - he regret it later, but began to back track on it ... Maybe I shouldn't have helped. Then again, I still kind of enjoyed the time - I know that Barb was pissed at some of the things he did, and was kind enough to let it all slide at the time. She'll probably ask me more about it later.

I went to sleep. I felt sick.
In the morning, I decided it would be okay if it happened.
Right after my shower - I threw up for about 10 minutes.
I've had diarrhea all day.
Ray is in town now. He'll be on the couch tonight. He suggested dinner tonight ... don't know if I'll be able to.

Not going to have time to pay bills like I thought. My trainee forgot everything and is still slow (but then again maybe I'm just really grumpy being sick). We had to redo a lot of stuff and I didn't leave until 1:45 trying to get the end of the week stuff done.

I'm almost late for second work now.

==== 18:00

I've been to the bathroom about every 15 minutes. I'm having a hard time staying awake. The dare is pretty bad. I'm trying to have a fever (99.5f). We didn't have a lot of work today at the second job - they actually figured we would run out - so I left early. I forced myself through two hours - had Scott pick me up on his way home.
He's sick also.
We think it might have been MFIJ.

I am the one with the problems to watch out for though.
HIV - so I need to stay on top of this and keep it from getting out of control.
Diabetes - I need fluids - I need food - I'm doing well keeping either in me (straight out the ass in minutes). I've mixed a 0 carb drink with a 35carb drink and add ice. I'm hoping it's enough to keep my levels up and my fluids good.
Considering how little I've eaten, I think my levels are pretty high ... means an infection. I'm going to bed now.
If it isn't better by tomorrow - I'll have to call the Doctors and see what they want me to do.

=== 21:40

I called Dr.'X' at home. I was having a really hard time figuring out how concerned to be. Once again, I may be missing work.

Daily Glucose Readings

I'm to skip the Amerill in the morning because I'm not eating much. Call him if I still have a fever.
I am going back to bed .... Scott is also sick. Ray had something come up and isn't here. Karma is looking out for Ray.

--

Karma wasn't looking out for Frank - he stopped by as a surprise on his way out of town. He stayed long enough to be warned that Scott and I where sick, he waved and stepped back out. I told him I was sorry, to drive carefully and take care.

Home sick and it sucks in a major way.
I've shit through my sheets.
I've gagged from the smell often enough that my chest hurts.

And, lets kick a man when he's down - I have a ton of past due bills that I can't pay right now - and may have trouble with next paycheck since I am here and sick.

Dr.'X' prescribed CIPROFLAXACIN (sip-roe-FLOX-a-sin) which is an antibiotic which has a list of side-effects that boggle me.
"... stomach upset, loss of appetite, diarrhea, nausea, headache, vision changes or dizziness during the first few days as your body adjusts to this medicine." ummm ... how are we going to tell if I'm getting any better? Those are my symptoms.

Great, now I have a bloody nose also. My head is still stuffed up and my ears are blocked.

*whimper* Just take me now.
Hate being sick.

=== 15:00

Well, lunch didn't stay in me long.
I swear I think this little concoction of HI-C and Sprite Zero is the only thing keeping my blood sugar at a reasonable level.
Fever is still at 99f.

I'm going to fall asleep again now that I have clean sheets.

Well, the fever broke, which puts me in a better mood then last night.
Last night I did a pretty good job covering up all the fear so that I wouldn't scare Scott, but I was seriously worried that I would end up in the Hospital.
Three days of constant Diarrhea, reasonable blood sugar levels but having eaten nearly nothing (just drink that HI-C and Sprite Zero concoction) and now I have a rash on my Right foot (most likely from the CIPROFLAXACIN).
Dehydration, nutrition and sugar levels are a major concern. I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised if they put me in the Hospital and hooked me up to IV's for fluids and control my diet (Hospital Food - uck) and took a test or sample every frigging hour or something. Charging me and my insurance out the ass and keeping me out of both of my jobs for days so that I would never be able to pay anyone anything.

Fever broke though. I'm not contagious (supposedly). I feel better, even though the diarrhea persists.
I think by Noon I'll make the decision final, to go to my second job and at least make some of the money and hours that I really need right now.
In the mean time, I have rescheduled my Dentist appointment (mostly because I honestly don't think I could have stayed in the chair long enough without an 'accident'), and I have called my Doctor's to let them know the fever broke but I have a rash. I'm hoping they will tell me just to continue the CIPROFLAXACIN and the rash will go away - not change the antibiotic.

Hmm - just blew one of my plans out of the water.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include stomach upset, loss of appetite, diarrhea, nausea, headache, vision changes or dizziness during the first few days as your body adjusts to this medicine. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor. CHECK WITH YOUR DOCTOR AS SOON AS POSSIBLE if you experience sunburn-like skin reaction (sun sensitivity), or sever or continuing diarrhea, CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience seizures, metal or mood changes, easy bruising or bleeding, swelling of throat or tongue, persistent sore throat or fever, irregular heartbeat, chest pain, stomach pain, yellowing eyes and skin, dark urine, unusual change in the amount of urine, or unusual fatigue. This medicine may rarely cause a severe intestinal condition (pseudomembranous colitis) due to a resistant bacteria. This condition by occur weeks after treatment as stopped. Do not use anti-diarrhea products or narcotic pain medicines because these products may make the effects worse. Therefore, CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you develop tendon pain, joint pain or swelling, persistent diarrhea, abdominal or stomach pain or cramping, or blood or mucus in your stool. USE OF THIS MEDICINE FOR PROLONGED OR REPEATED PERIODS may result in oral thrush or a vaginal yeast infection. Contact your doctor if you notice white patches on your mouth, a change in vaginal discharge or other new symptoms. AN ALLERGIC REACTION to this medicine in unlikely but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of an allergic reaction include rash, itching, swelling, sever dizziness, or trouble breathing. If you notice other effects not listed above, contact your doctor, nurse, or pharmacist.

I swear, sometimes reading this stuff is enough to make you never want to take medication ever again.
I was going to take a Lonox (an anti-diarrheal) before going to work to help keep things 'under-control', but that just got blown out of the water. I'm not about to try and make things worse.
Also, noticed that some of the symptoms match problems with Thrombocytopedia - so I can't tell if it's the medication or mild signs of low platelets that I watch for (and have noticed a little of lately - but usually do when I'm sick).

I'm still concerned that the 'cure' causes many of the problems we are trying to FIX.
I know Dr.'X' is one of the BEST this area has to offer in Endocrinology, and is also my friend and would never intentionally do anything to hurt me - I trust him a great deal ... but I have to wonder if a mistake has been made somewhere down the line.
And yet, the fever broke and I am feeling better.

Going to check e-mail, reg mail, still waiting for the Doctor's to call back, might take the time to read Scott's on-line journals (since he brought it up last night ... which only makes me wonder if he has something written down he wants me to read because he can't tell me).
( http://www.likwidkaos.com/ )

Hmm - well, there must be some other link I'm not aware of for the links to his journals. Otherwise ... one day, at the first of the month - though it was a great day ... great surprise - isn't anything he's not told me about.
Actually I would say he has no way of telling if I've visited or read them, but he knows so much about computers and the like I'm sure he would ... he's spooky that way ... it's a good way

Okay Lunch - shower - 2nd job. In the meantime - here's something I've been wanting to get to.
The relating Zen Card Readings I had done several days ago. The Left side is what THEY drew - the Right side is what I drew.
*ALL OF THESE LINKS MAY NOT WORK JUST YET - GIVE ME SOME TIME*

1) what YOU bring to the relationship	STRESS	PROJECTIONS
2 ) What the OTHER brings	MOMENT TO MOMENT	ADVENTURE
3) The composite energy of the relationship	CLINGING TO THE PAST	INNOCENCE
4) The insight into the relationship	THE DREAM	EXPERIENCING

MFIJ is obviously holding on to something that isn't there any more. I'm not even sure if it's me.
Of course - I may not be bringing a lot more to the relationship, but I'm getting more out of it.

1) what YOU bring to the relationship	ICE-OLATION	BREAKTHROUGH
2 ) What the OTHER brings	PLAYFULNESS	SLOWING DOWN
3) The composite energy of the relationship	PATIENCE	INTENSITY
4) The insight into the relationship	TRANSFOMATION	GOING WITH THE FLOW

Greg hasn't changed much as to what he brings to the relationship - but the rest of it has changed sugnifcantly - for the better I think.
All of this stuff is new to me - but it all seems to fit in.

1) what YOU bring to the relationship	POLITICS	BEYOND ILLUSION
2 ) What the OTHER brings	SLOWING DOWN	TOTALITY
3) The composite energy of the relationship	THUNDERBOLT	COMPARISON
4) The insight into the relationship	MIND	LETTING GO

Scott and I are both obviously doing something very subliminal and 'underground' in this relationship at this point.

===== 21:20

This was in a letter to a friend I just wrote back to.

Well, we just found out that we have run out of work at the State - so I don't have an afternoon job again until the 28th (basically a week and a half off).
Kind of a "Good News - Bad News" thing. We are doing so well that we ran out of work. I won't get paid the extra money for a while, but when we get back it will be bad. I could use the time off to get things straighten out at my First job - since I left a half trained trainee by himself for two days. I could also use the time to get better.
I could have used that money more though ... oh well. God must be trying to tell me something. Sigh - anyway I'm off to watch the 'Smallville' Scott recorded for me while I was at work - then bed.

If you have any comments or feedback - please tell me. misfit@misfitslife.com

æ æ ææ æ æ

æ0503.17 æ

æ æ HAPPY ST. PATTRICK'S DAY! ! ! æ æ

How is your Luck holding out??

Mine? Seemingly okay. At least I'm not 'green' . I even had a couple of good laughs today.

My Trainee - he did really well. I pulled out a fairly hefty stack of invoice from two days, but then looked at the stack they came from ... maybe 10% of the invoices had something that needed to be fixed.
Of that stack 90% of it was something trivial, and fixable with either a staple, or a new stamp. That left a total of about 4 or 5 invoices that we had to go into the system to fix - of those, two of them where to capitalize letters in the invoice 'number' (something the office now demands).
Hell, I pat him on the back and said thanks. I also told him that my new conclusion was that I must make him nervous since he seems to make more mistakes when I'm around.

æ One of my great laughs of the day. After the trainee had left - I stayed to help catch things up (and make up some of my lost time) and get things ready for the inventory in the morning. My 'Moron' came into the office and asked me about him. He seemed upset when I told him that he was being trained for another store - however, the Assistant was wondering if we might not be able to 'trade' him now and again with the other store (since they are so close by).
"Did he do okay?" My 'Moron' asked.
"Yeah, he did well for the training he'd had." I responded (and that only meaning that there are somethings we just haven't gotten to yet).
"Did he do better then <your last trainee (the one at our store that didn't finish his training)>?" He asked.
"He did better then you." I respond. This started the typical stream of profanity from him that I expected and ended with,
"Well, at least I try - you Turkey." (I kid you not - direct quote). I never implied that he didn't try ... I always implied, and stated to his face as well as all the managers - he doesn't LISTEN, and decides to do it his own (wrong) way.
I just laughed rather then responding. I think that was a stronger answer anyway.

æOne of the first great laughs I had was from one of my favorite Vendors. I open the door and he walked in with Bright Green Hair! What the? He just comment that last year he didn't wear any green and got pinched until he was black and blue and it wasn't going to happen this year. (I was telling my Mother this story and at this point she said, "Owh, that isn't nice at all." and I just replied, "You should see the way he plays with others Mom." - this is after all a Vendor that is in a "Fright" War with one of my other Vendors; they hide behind corners and such and see who can startle or scare the other the most ... one of them is going to end up with a black eye or a heart attack one of these days.) As he was leaving, I think I scared him in a completely different way. Earlier he had made the joke that if I pinched him, it would be sexual harrassment - to which I replied, "Only if you didn't enjoy it." - I think his mind was still here when I made the following comments as he was leaveing.
"I'm going to laugh so hard when that doesn't wash out tomorrow." I said.
"Knowing my luck, it won't either." He said.
"If it doesn't, you know what you need to do?" I said, almost whispering to draw him in closer.
"What?" - now I want to point out; it wasn't until I saw the look on his face, that he didn't know where I was going with this and was taking it the wrong way. I was whispering, and illustrating - because I thought he would catch on.
I traced my lips with my finger and said, "Get a little bit of red lipstick." with a big smile. This is when I got the look.
I continued with "and some really pale, almost white blush for your face." I swear, he was about to jump back and yell sexual harrasment, so I had to stop it. "Then Laugh all day and yell 'Batman must Die!' manicacly."
"Oh!!" he said suddenly with a wave of relief. "Yeah, Joker."

	Yeah, Joker - sorry with this Fag, it's Comic Books long before Drag Queens.
	Besides, I was looking for a play mate that understands the darker side of things.

æThe Vendor did however, remind me that it was St. Pattrick's Day. Though the uniform has a speck of green in it, I felt there should be something more for me. I took one of our "Green Tags" for special sale prices, and wrote:

Green Tag Special - For St. Pat's Day - IRISH HUG on Request
You Save! - A Pinch

Only two people took me up on this. One was the Price Coordinator's Assistant (who always gives me hugs).
The other was one of our Head Checkers. I've had a notion that he was gay for some time, but I wasn't sure if he had heard or figured me out yet. We always smiled and talked briefly as I speed by on some invoiceing mission. Today, he read the tag, and claimed his hug. The hug wasn't a problem, and I liked it ... it was the comments that followed that made me feel good and laugh.
"Why do you have to do that?" He asked me as I went by once.
"What?" I asked.
"Intice me like that, always walking in front of me." He said. Yup - deffinately gay. My response didn't hit me as the double untondra it was until to late.
"Intice my ass." I said in disbelief. Hey, it was nice to know he thought enough of me to flirt, and to comment that he thought I was attractive - but maybe he doesn't realize that I could be his Father. Let alone, that I have given up on 'love' because of everything else I have run into in the past.

æThen Scott came home. Only about 40 minutes after me. We laughed our asses off trading stories of the day.
It's been an interesting Blood Sugar Day.
I'm now going to watch TV and work on those Zen Links.

I was starting to shake and sweat - couldn't believe it. 162 at 6:30 - then low enough for symptoms by 7:30? I'm still eating pizza at 9:00 (which just reminds me, time to take my med's) so I won't take a reading before bed. It just boggles me.
Rash is gone by the way

æIf you have any comments or feedback - please tell me. misfit@misfitslife.com æ
æ æ ææææ

Worst Inventory Ever.
Well, maybe not the worst. We survived it. But I know a Vendor or two that will be paying for what they did to me (us - poor trainee had to put up with a lot also).
We did finally get caught up.
He will be there tomorrow. Learn to finish up a week.

Now ... It's NAP TIME!!

==== 22:00

Fun time tonight.
Shows where great.
Have talked to MFIJ on the phone. He knows I won't be here this weekend.
Looking forward to seeing Brian (T).
Upload all this and go back to bed.

"Sugar, what are you doing here?" She said caressing my brow.
"Just visiting you." I said nuzzling in her breast, and listening.
"Baby, I'm not here." She said with a Motherly tone.
"And yet, here I am talking to you." I said with a sigh of resignation.
"Bret, answer me. Why are you here?" She said sternly.
"Looking for my reassurances." I said.
"Of possibilities?" She said with a smile.
"No, of the lack of them. I come here to make sure I will still be rejected." I turned from the woods and put another dollar bill in the wall. "I haven't been let down now in a while."
"And why did you say it was to see me?" She asked.
"Because the rejection assures me, that it is dying. That the flame of love is just an ember in the cold and rainy night soon to be extinguished. That I will soon be alone in the dark without even shadows to give me hope." I turned around and didn't see her any more. "Oh, Honey - don't go away mad. You know it's what I need. No light, and the assurance that I am alone in the dark. That is, until you come and get me."

Gabriel never did like being told how to do her job. Or being reminded that it is her job.

I had a great weekend in KC with Brian. We laughed our asses off catching up on things and watching all the extras on "The Incredibles" DVD.
On the way home I listened to the CD that MFIJ had made and left in my car. Very diverse tastes in Music. Rap to Country - all of the songs about Fathers, drugs or death.
I stopped in Lawrence for rest and caffeine. I stopped at River Front Park. Anyone there checked me out, and left.
I stopped at AEC and the arcade. Spent $11 and still had no one check out the booth, or me. The Clerk even forgot I was back there.
I'm home now. I've IMed three people - no one even respond.
Scott appears to be asleep - but all his computer stuff is missing from the front room. Maybe it's just my mood - but I wonder if he didn't move out while I was gone.

I'm eating before bed. Blood sugar was 84. Took my med's and lost about 3 games of solitaire before I came here to write.
*sigh*
Time to go to bed and curl up with little heart shaped pillow that says "LOVE".
i am so pathetic ... and i'm just tired of fighting it.

............. in KC, Brian has a 'No Fear' poster up that says "Life is the only thing worth dying for." and I remember sitting there as I went to sleep thinking ... but how long do you have to be forced to sit on the bench before you realize, you aren't allowed to play.

I'm tired of the lies on your tongue
and the truth in your eyes.
I'm tired of being told I can't,
without any valid reasons.
I'm tired of trying to make it happen
I can't succeed, and no one cares if I fail.

Scott put up a hire me or fire me ultimatum. They fired him.
Had lunch with Greg today as he was getting off work.
Thought I might call MFIJ just to see how he's doing.
Then watch movies - because I have nothing better to do.

*sigh*

Scott and I seem to be at odds right now.
Don't know if it's my bad mood or his (or our combine stresses - me bills, him no job).

He complains I'm never here. I get a week off and he locks himself in his room (with all his computer stuff as well) and tells me he wants to be anti-social with every except me, but then doesn't really talk to me.
I message him in yahoo. That's going to be about all I do for awhile since I knocked on his door to ask him a question and he bit my head off because he was on the phone with his girlfriend.

Tried to make a copy of my car key. Turns out, I don't have a Kia key. Someone must have changed the ignition at point in time, and know no one has copies of this kind of key. I'd better no ever lose this one.

All I really want to do right now is curl up in the arms of a man and watch TV or sleep.
I got no one.
Not even a web buddy, a phone call someone, or the money for a Cuddle Whore.

I'm beginning to be really glad this will be about the last year.

Round and round it goes, where it stops - nobody knows.

misfitlife (5:10:39 PM): Scott you on?
Scott (5:10:49 PM): ya
misfitlife (5:10:50 PM): Is there anything you need from the store
Scott (5:10:51 PM): wud up
Scott (5:10:58 PM): humm hang on i come out der
misfitlife (7:03:41 PM): Everything is here and put away now - plenty of things to eat for dinner if you like
Scott (7:03:51 PM): w00t
Scott (7:03:53 PM): you da man!
Scott (7:03:56 PM): woh da man??
Scott (7:03:59 PM): TELL ME BRET
Scott (7:04:07 PM): W H O D A M A N
Scott (7:04:09 PM): say it!
misfitlife (7:04:09 PM): you
Scott (7:04:12 PM): YOU!
Scott (7:04:14 PM): you da man..
Scott (7:04:17 PM): Da MaN
Scott (7:04:26 PM): *whispers* i've had a lot of coffee
Scott (7:04:26 PM): dlja;sldkjf;alsdf
misfitlife (7:04:39 PM): you seem to be in a better mood now
misfitlife (7:04:46 PM): oh - coffee
Scott (7:04:48 PM): hahaha
misfitlife (7:04:56 PM): I should have known it wouldn't be natural
Scott (7:05:46 PM): ,,,
misfitlife (7:57:04 PM): House treats the MOB tonight - about 5 minutes if you want to watch
Scott (7:57:14 PM): i'll pass.
misfitlife (7:57:37 PM): k - c u 2mor
Scott (7:58:10 PM): i'm trying to figure out how not to be pissed about what you said.
Scott (7:58:18 PM): you really think it takes "other things" to put me in a bad mood?
Scott (7:58:25 PM): *put me out of a bad mood?
misfitlife (7:59:29 PM): *sigh* Okay ... you complain I'm never here - when I am you lock yourself in your room - I just wanted to ask you a question last night and you bit my head off for even knocking at the door
misfitlife (7:59:35 PM): I don't know what you want from me
misfitlife (7:59:40 PM): and as for the comment
misfitlife (8:00:10 PM): Everyone - not just you - only talks to me under the influence of something else
misfitlife (8:00:18 PM): drugs - alcohol
misfitlife (8:00:20 PM): coffee
misfitlife (8:00:25 PM): whatever
Scott (8:00:43 PM): you put coffee... in the same catagory as drugs and alcohol?
misfitlife (8:02:07 PM): I do when you go from biting my head off to telling me that i'm the man - and still staying in your room so you don't have to talk to me.
misfitlife (8:02:20 PM): and btw' IT WAS A JOKE
Scott (8:02:22 PM): you think i'm in here because i don't wanna talk go you?
misfitlife (8:02:28 PM): yup *and actually, I think he's in there because he doesn't want to talk to anyone, not just me - he's the one that said he's being anti-social.*
Scott (8:02:32 PM): i'm in here because my computer is in here
Scott (8:02:35 PM): and your cat hates cords
Scott (8:02:43 PM): and i'd like to not replace my 5.1 surround sound system
Scott (8:02:45 PM): or a motherboard
Scott (8:02:46 PM): or ram
Scott (8:02:55 PM): or anything else attached to this computer when your cat chews through it
Scott (8:03:04 PM): THATS why i'm in here
misfitlife (8:03:51 PM): fine - computer over people - beside you have a girlfriend on the phone.
Scott (8:03:57 PM): oh i do?
misfitlife (8:04:03 PM): Scott - my blood sugar is down and I'm grumpy
Scott (8:04:11 PM): and it's not computer over people
Scott (8:04:15 PM): i'm workin on that website
misfitlife (8:04:17 PM): I'm done "talking" through the computer
Scott (8:04:21 PM): fine
misfitlife (9:06:12 PM): Okay - I'm sorry ... do you want to talk before I go to bed or should I write you a letter?
Scott (9:07:11 PM): don't worry about it... no biggy, just a misunderstanding on both parts i fink
Scott (9:07:17 PM):
misfitlife (9:08:00 PM): I take it then, you don't want to talk. Okay - I won't worry and I'll go to bed
Scott (9:08:05 PM): i sowwie for jumpin into defense mode
misfitlife (9:09:56 PM): I've got big shoulders - I can take it. nite ... won't wake you in the morning ... Greg comes over for Smallville
misfitlife (9:10:00 PM):
Scott (9:10:08 PM): no probs, nite nite

Still haven't actually spoken with Scott. Cried myself to sleep last night over the fact that I have only one kind of love in my life and now even that seems to be falling apart on me. I can't appreciate my friends properly because I still think I need that One Love that everyone else seems to have (and it doesn't help that all my friends have someone or on a regular basis date or get laid).
I think I may have to do a Zen reading with a lot of cards and overload my brain with things to think about.
But right now ... I'm sweating, need to eat and go to work.

===== 17:40

Work today was interesting.
I nearly killed a Truck Driver - for being about as rude and uncooperative as possible. Thing is, I didn't have to - because he also pissed off the Assistant and the Manager (completely separate from any complaints I might have had).
So, what did he do?
As always, it began with him laying on the buzzer about three times before I could even get out of my chair. It's always the ones that show that much impatience that start problems as they walk in the door. Funny thing is, this was the least impatience driver I've had a problem with ... that was his problem.
I started with my comment that one buzz was enough, then asked how I could help him. He said he had some shelving for us. I open the door to let him him, and he looked at me funny.
"Are you going to come in?" I asked. He informed me that he still needed to back his truck up into the dock, but I had to inspect the 'seal' before he broke it. I told him I would open the dock door and he could show me the seal, then he could back up his truck and come in with the paper work so that we could get it unloaded. He said okay.
He gave me the seal from the dock, and backed his truck up.
I let about three other Vendors in and checked them in all the time wondering when he was going to be coming back in with the paper work. I caught up with everything, and I went out to check on him. He was reading his paper in the cab. I knocked on his window. I informed him that I need some kind of invoices or paperwork to let me know what I am taking off of his truck, and that he needs to come inside with all that paperwork, and we can help him unload the truck. He gave me some paperwork, and told me that everything in his truck was ours. I asked when he would be coming in then to help unload the truck.
"You need me in there?" He asked me. I AGAIN explained, he should be inside to let us know what to take off the truck to inspect for himself what he delivers so we can mark any discrepancies and we can sign all the appropriate paperwork and he can help us unload the truck. He said he would be in 'in a moment'. I went back inside and then began to check in the Vendors that had backed up in that amount of time. He finally buzzed the door, and I let him in and said that I would help him unload the truck as soon as I was finished checking in the other Vendor.
"Oh, no. You unload the truck. I don't do that." and he then walked off into our store.
I went back to checking in the Vendor I had started on. He almost walked into the square while I was checking that vendor in (this was a regular Vendor, who had been watching a lot of this happen, and he thought I was about to lose it ... which I was). What he felt was necessary to interrupt me for was to give me a long distance phone number to his boss that I would have to call before he could touch anything in his truck as far as unloading. He then walked off into the store again.
I finished the Vendor I was checking in. I then unload his truck.
Now the Assistant had come back into the back, and noticed the truck. He asked me what it all was. No one was expecting it, though it made sense since we have a shelving reset coming up in a week. He asked where the truck driver was, and why he wasn't helping. I relate the story. He took the number, and went into the store to find the driver. He never found him.
I finished unloading the truck, and called the driver over the intercom to come back and sign paperwork. I waited.
Finally he arrived in the back with some lunch. I asked to see the receipt. He asked if I was kidding. I told him I wasn't, he told me he didn't keep it. I asked for a description of his checker so I could call up and confirm his purchase. He did buy it, I never doubt it, but it is my job to check receipts for any merchandise leaving the back of the store. I had him sign the paperwork I needed.
Then he hand me a stack of paperwork to sign.
"What is all of this?" I asked. He said it was his paperwork. At this point I stopped.
"How did you expect me to sign all of this if you had stayed in your truck? This is why you needed to be in the store as we unload so that we can trade all the appropriate signatures. I informed you of this the first time you where at my door, and you decided not to return to the store. I had to come and get you, and even then you didn't want to come into the store. Once inside the store you stayed anywhere but near your truck and the products you are dropping off. You informed us of nothing, and ignored all the directions and information I was giving you. Even a little communication on your part could have prevented a lot of the problems we have encountered unloading your truck." I said as I signed all of his paperwork. I then asked him if he had all he needed from me. He said yes. I then checked over everything and told him I now had everything I needed from him, and that I would now let him out the door so he could leave. Another Vendor came in and signed his invoices and followed me to the Door. I let that Vendor out, and realized that Driver had now disappeared on me. I couldn't find him anywhere.
About that time, the Assistant came back again and asked me if I had seen that driver yet - he hadn't been able to find him anywhere. I relate that I had just signed everything and was escorting him to the door to leave, when he disappeared on me again. I had everything I needed from him - except his exit from the store.
The Assistant went to find him again.
At this time, one of the stockers came back and said he had just been told by the Manager that we had a truck of shelving to unload, and he was there to help because the Driver told the Manager he wouldn't unload the truck. I asked when he was told this,
"Just now." he replied.
I informed him the truck had been unloaded now for about 15 to 20 minutes, what we are missing is the truck driver that needs to leave now, and that the Assistant was looking for him. He went to look for him and the Assistant.
Over the intercom I heard the Manager announce that "The Driver of the Shelving can leave our store now through Receiving."
He never came. The Assistant came to check and see if he had left. This was now about 30 minutes later. I still hadn't seen him, we looked out back, and his truck was still in the Dock. The Assistant went out to the truck. He came back in shaking his head.
"He was out there reading a paper and eating his lunch. He said you saw his Deli receipt." I relate that story to him. He shook his head some more. "He figured he wasn't in our way, so he was just going to sit in our dock until someone else showed up. I told him he needed to leave now." This conversation took about 10 minutes. I pointed out I hadn't heard his truck start up or pull away. We looked. He was still there. The Assistant went out there again. The Truck started up and he came back in shaking his head as he pulled away.
"Oh, you mean now?" He said mocking an idiots voice. "Yes, now you moron." He said to himself. I gave him the number the driver had given me. His eyes lit up. "I'm going to give this to <the Manager>. He loves this kind of stuff! Can you just imagine him on the phone with these people!" I laughed, after all ... I've said it a hundred times - he's an ASS.
I happened to be up front running some reports and heard him on the phone. I had to laugh because he used one of the lines just about everyone in our store is tired of hearing,
"I've been in the Grocery business for 40 years!" he said, I rolled my eyes and smiled as he continue "and I've run into a driver with more contempt for our procedures and concerns."
All in all - that driver spent 2 and a half hours in our Dock, for something that took me 20 minutes to unload.
*sigh*

Funny thing happened though.
A merchandiser stopped the high loader suddenly and the lid to the battery slid off and wedged itself between the motor and upright chain guards. Effectively this means the lift now can't be lowered to the floor.
The truck driver that jokes around with me frequently was there (the one that volunteers to much information at times and surprised someone that wasn't me and called me at home when he thought he might have caught HIV). His idea to get the lid out was to kick it really hard .... wedging it in there tighter. The merchandiser that had originally got it in there rolled his eyes and asked what he was doing. I told them all to back up.
To me, it's like a tetris problem - it got in there, how? what is stopping it from coming out and how do we get around that. I was able to loosen it up quite a bit, at that time, he came up behind me and said,
"If all three of us pull on it, do you think it'll come?" I just stood up and shot him a look. He then realized and started to laugh. "You know what I meant - right?" I nod.
"Don't volunteer him for anything he doesn't want to do." I said pointing to the merchandiser, who then stood up and looked at us, then the driver and said,
"What did you say?!?" The driver repeat the line, and laughed. "Dude, you are sick." I started to laugh.
"Don't worry." I said figuring out what needed to be done, "Just like I always do, give me enough time alone and I can do it myself." then pulled the lid free and wired it back on the lift to try and prevent it from happening again.

Came home and ate.
Scott came out and watched "MI:2" with me. I then finally found a lock smith that could make a copy of the car key.

Greg called to say he was at work and wouldn't be here until about 7 (as 'Smallville' starts). He apologized for not coming by yesterday, but he had fallen asleep at his computer. I told him it wasn't that big a deal, I was actually more upset that he still hasn't checked his e-mail to know if my letters had gone through or just sent me something so I would know if I had the right address. He started cursing to himself as he realized he had completely forgotten about that request. He apologized for that also and said he would do that later tonight when he got home but I should remind him again as he leaves.

I've spent the afternoon working on HTML code. I feel like I'm blind and will go out of my gourd any minute now.
I'm going to play a game of solitaire and by then it will be time for 'Smallville' and Greg should be here.

So, Scott and I have been running around all afternoon getting his truck towed off and fixed.
Since he isn't working at that place any more, he couldn't leave it there to work on any longer.
Since he doesn't have a job right now - I took him to lunch because it was payday and I wanted to, then agreed to put the truck on my credit card so it would get done. He'll pay me back ... eventually.
Then I let him take my car and drive to Newton to surprise his girlfreind (turn about is fair play). He was hoping to do it in the truck, but we couldn't get the pieces together fast enough - it will be done sometime tomorrow. I'll pick it up with the help of my mother and it will be waiting for him when he gets back (he hopes on Sunday, but I told him I wouldn't care unless he wasn't there to pick me up Monday at 8pm from my State Job).

Thank GOD, I have a DVD player and some movies. There is NOTHING on TV tonight.
I called MFIJ to see what he was up to - got the machine.
Scott is gone now. No one is on line.

I just thought I would write a little while my pizza cooks. Then I'm going to sit down and watch the last season of ANGEL.
At least with out a car, I can't go to the arcade and spend money I don't really have - for rejection I don't really need.
God, all the mechanics 'we' dealt with today where HOT. I recognize one of them from somewhere (still haven't figured out from where though).
Scott thought one of them might be gay "He's just a little too pretty." He said.
"It wouldn't matter if he was." I said. Scott asked Why. "Because they aren't ever interested in me. Not unless he happened to be Drunk or High ... but still, as soon as he sobered up he would hate me."
"Riiiight." Scott said. I waited for him to even try to say anything else, but he didn't. I think he knew it would be pointless.

Pizza is done.

He meant well, he did good, and none of it is his fault.
But leave it to a Schizophrenic to trigger another Schitozo's voices. ... Jax isn't strong right now... just rambling around in the back ground and screaming a little - but he's back there. Arguing pointlessly both sides of the issue. That will be the trick ... if I can keep him on the fence, he can be as pissed as he likes - he won't be a strong voice or an issue until he picks a side.

MFIJ spent the last two days here. He's in the up swing of his Bi-polar so he was a real joy to be around this time.
The Doctors have jacked his med's around again and he's having a really hard time with sleep again - meaning, he can't sleep. He had been up for about three days when he came over. In that three days he had maybe 5 hours of sleep in one hour power naps that often came in the middle of a sentence for him. We talked a long time about it, and he is very frustrated about it all. However - I still seem to have a little magic left in me - he got a lot of sleep while he was here.
It was kind of funny, but he feel asleep in the middle of his meal on Friday. Slept for about an hour and a half before waking up. In that time, he twitched a little and moaned. At one point, he rolled over, and bumped his glasses. He made some sleep noises and as I asked if he was okay, he put his finger up under his glasses and then flung them in the air like an annoying booger. I caught them in the air as they flew by, and before they hit anyone and set them on the table. I wasn't seriously going to try and wake him until 'Battlestar Galactica' came on (he loves that show). He woke up on his own about half way through SG-A. After everyone left, we talked about the sleeping situation.
He was tired, but didn't know if he could sleep. That is how it had been the past three days. He didn't want me to go through the trouble of putting out the mattress again, and told him he still had the couch as an option.
"Would it bother you if I slept in the same bed with you?" He asked. "I really trust you and I think of you almost like family - you really are my best friend." Kind of honored by the remark. I told him that I didn't mind at all, in fact it might really help me relieve a little anxiety over the fact that I just don't even get to lay down next to anyone, and I kind of miss it.
We lay down and we talked for over an hour in the dark. And it wasn't like we where cuddled up next to each other or anything - we were just laying there ... talking ... and it was really nice.
He told me that he really wished I would keep up hope that someone would link up with me. He told me how special I was and how many other people recognize it and the things they have said. At one point I brought up a little of that argument with Scott and the time I also said that no one had every really said anything nice (romantically) or even acted romantic toward me unless they where under the influence of Drugs or Alcohol. At that point he said he was sorry.
"Don't apologize for doing something that EVERYONE else has done - right or wrong - and just so you know, you were still different then all the others in that you at least remember and followed through with anything you ever did say under the influence. I'm not blaming you or anyone else for it - I'm just stating the fact."
Then I also state a few other facts for him. Some he didn't know about, and he really didn't want to hear. One of which being, that I will probably die soon.
"I was once told, about 10 years ago, by someone in a bar, that I was not worth getting to know since I was going to die anyway.Well, I feel good about the 10 years of proving him wrong, but I'm still the one that lost out on that chance - not him. And he was at least honest and candid enough to say it out loud to my face, unlike everyone else that thinks it, but doesn't say it, denies it at every turn and more willing to attribute not wanting to to date over something as trivial as my hair color or something like my age which I have no control over or ability to change. And fact is, the longer I prove them wrong by staying alive and healthy as possible, the closer to the truth that argument becomes.
<MFIJ>, fact is, I'm broken - I can't trust, and I don't want to subject anyone to living out the last year of my life without at least having given them the good years of my life and love they never wanted to take the chance to know."
He changed the subject a little - he talked about ways he could try to save me from my death bed - like a full transfusion of blood. I had to explain how each of his thoughts and scenarios was nice to hear, but this is why each one of them wouldn't work.
He then also said he was going to shut up now because he knew I was going to hate him for keeping me up all night talking. I assured him I was enjoying the conversation and would tell him to shut if necessary, but would most likely just fall asleep on him. We laughed about that awhile also, but he got quite and tried to sleep.
After about an hour, he got out of bed and played on the computer. He came back in and lay on the floor about 1am, I asked if he was okay - and he moaned ... sleeping. I through a blanket on him and went back to bed. I woke him at 6am for his medication (he didn't want to move much). I got him to get back in the bed since I was going to work. He was still there when I came home. He woke up when his other really good friend called to talk to him. That means he still got about 12 to 14 hours of sleep. The longest stretch he'd had in a week.
He helped my Mother clean the apartment. We went and saw 'The Ring Two' and then he had his mother come and pick him up (he would have stayed, but he had Family plans for Easter ... and so do I).

However, the only thought that keeps rolling around in my skull is:
If I'm so God Damn Special and everyone seems to know it, and love me - why is it then that I am STILL - ALONE!??!!

Obviously, because I really am not that special - or loved.
And once again - don't get me wrong. This is not a self-esteem issue ... it's an issue of my honesty and everyone else's FEAR.
All this gets me are friends ... good friends ... and pity from everyone else. Drives me nuts.

I went to the arcade.
Spent $10 ... and got nothing other then a good cry in the booth, and someone that stuck it through the hole for 30 seconds before coming. I was left hanging ... and alone.
Thought about a trip to Lawrence to cruise the campus ... but I don't have my car. Didn't seem fair to use Mom's for that. I thought about stopping at Greg's to talk - but he wasn't home, and the more I thought about it on the way over, I had nothing to really say to him, and as I ran through it all in my head ... I just froze in the hallway outside of his apartment and stare into space until I broke down and cried or was found by someone else that I would just ... run away from because I wouldn't want the pity or the pep-talk. It also seemed really 'Drama Queen' so I just didn't stop. I came home to write.

I have one other thing to write about today.
I offended one of our merchandisers with the beginning of a joke. I didn't mean to, and I did apologize to him the best I could.
"I feel as if I owe you an apology. It was the furthest thing from my mind to offend you or anyone else with the joke. I can understand your concern, and even your position about it - but it's just because you don't know me and my sense of humor to know that it wouldn't have gone that way."
"It's okay, Bret. I'm working out other things and I am not tripping on it." he replied.

A vendor told me this joke, and I found it to fit into my sense of humor that points things out to other people, maybe making them think about something. I coupled it up with one of my other favorites of the same kind of joke - which I had noticed that when I tell such a joke, you really learn a lot about the person you tell it to from there reactions.
I'm reminded of such a joke that I have written about here before - because I mentioned it in one of my KDHE talks as an example of making fun of the ignorance on the subject as well as pointing out that you can't tell if someone has HIV.
That joke was, "Did you hear about the guy that caught HIV from a toilet seat? - He sat down several times before the other guy had gone up." I still think this joke is funny. It attacks a myth of ignorance (about how you can catch HIV) using even the example of something that most people realize is NOT a way you can catch HIV - but the punch line shows that it is a way of getting HIV, but the blame is placed in the wrong place (something else that people do frequently). I told this joke, and someone else became very upset that would tell such a joke, especially since I would never know if someone with HIV was listening.
"Just like you had no idea that the person telling the joke was HIV positive." I replied. Then the spirit of the joke became apparent, and a more open dialog started.
This time however - I didn't get past the opening question for the joke's punch line - and the person that got upset hadn't paid enough attention to the preceding joke to get the spirit of things here.
First joke (that wasn't heard) and is the older joke I brought back to couple with this joke. The punch line is visual, so bear with me since it will lose a little in the writing.
"Do you know how every Racist joke begins?" Most people will say No, you then look over each shoulder behind you and then lean into the other person as if you are about to whisper.
What I find really funny ... are the people that acknowledge what you have done (frequently doing it themselves) and listen for a punch line that never comes - and doesn't get it, even if explained.
"What do you call a Black man that flies an Airplane?" It was at this time, the merchandiser spoke up and said he didn't want to 'hear this shit' and that it would have to wait until he was gone. I stopped and mentioned that I thought he would think the joke would be funny - he said he doubt it, and didn't want to find out (and I didn't get to mention that I thought the punch line would redeem the joke). He said this as he left the room. The vendor I was telling the joke to, then asked me to continue.
"What do you call a Black man that flies an Airplane?" he asked me.
"A Pilot you stupid racist." was the reply, and the punch line of the joke. I strengthen or weaken the severity of the racist reprimand depending on the replies I get.
When I was told this joke, my reply was; "A Pilot of some kind, but that wouldn't be a joke - so -" and the punch was delivered as "Just a pilot you silly racist." and I had to laugh. The Vendor told me of the one person that 'ruined' his joke, and I had only one so far also to which I used the same response he did -
"A Pilot." they replied. "Exactly right, you are a good man." When they tell you that isn't a very funny joke, you explain the typical response and answer, now they have the same tool you have.
My strongest reply to date was this:
"I don't know. A Target?" he guessed.
"No, A Pilot you fucking racist bastard."

I want to tell this joke to my Father (a Pilot) and Scott (someone admittedly trained as a racist and trying to keep an open mind and unlearn it).

I'm going to take my blood Sugar level and figure out if I should eat or not before bed. Maybe watch an episode of Angel and then sleep.
Hopefully, this egg won't crack until after Easter.

Right now, I'm bored. Here's an Easter Egg Hunt.

00SAD000000000000000000B0O0000000 00000LOST000000000000000+000000000 00000000U0000000000000000HAPPY000	SAFE0000000 00HUG000000 000000NICE0	00000000000000000FREINDS000000000 000STEROTYPED0000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000
0000000S000000000RED00000000000000 00000000T0000R00RIBON000000000000 0000000000G00R00000000N00000000000 00000000000R00000000N0000000000000 00000000CRY0I000000000I000H000000 000000R00000F00000000E00000E000000 0000000RAY000OF00000000000R000000 000000000P0000000I0H0000000000O000 000000000000000ENOUGH00000I000000 0000000000000000L00000000000C000000 00X000000000LOVE00000000000000000		000000000HIV+000000000000000000000 000000SECRET00000000000+000000000 0000