Recent Journal Entries
©January 2005 (Date implied by entry date, Date of copyright covers web publication)

My God, 2005 already. It's like this year snuck up on me overnight .

Okay - New Year's Resolutions.

To keep doing the best I can with what I have to do.
     That being my Health
     That being Money
     That being Work
     That being Love
This is to say:
     My Health has a lot of things to watch and take care of and I will continue to do it. Med's, Monitoring, etc.
     My Money has always been a bit mismanaged and I will endeavor to do better.
     My Work is a pain in the ass, but I'm sure I can keep doing it as long as I can.
     My luck with Love has been terrible and I want to remain open to the possibility. I'm not going to do the 'reverse psychology' thing and say that I will stay single and bitter, or make the goal impossible by saying that I will find lasting love before X date or else. I want to be happy single, deal with being alone - but I don't want to close out the idea of letting someone in that might actually care (I can't see that happening right now, but I am still bitter about it now - the goal is to ease up on that).

In diabetes class, and in HIV courses, we talk about setting realistic goals. I think these are realistic. They are achievable, and they are actual goals that can be 'seen' rather then just saying that I will keep doing what I have been doing.

I think that is going to be the best that I can do this year.

Other goals are:
To get this web site closer to what I have always dreamed it could be. (All the Dark Past Journals done, the Interactive part started, and more or clearer contact information for my being a speaker, and current and up to date links).
To become more 'active' (not exercise - but enough to stay healthy and help my diabetes).
To improve my diet by adding more vegetables and fruits in some form.
To get my bills all paid off.

I'm also going to focus more and more of my attention to my Friends and there needs.

Trying to back off the cynical stuff.
I spent a lot of time online last night in chat rooms and stuff. Met some really nice people (and a few asses). Four people asked to add me to there lists so we could talk again. I said yes, because I would like to, but every time that has happened in the past they never write again or avoid or don't answer me online (kind of like KS is doing to me know). I pretty much resigned myself to having enjoyed those conversations and realizing that we would never talk again.
Then of course one of them did come online today and message me. We talked for a little while. It was nice.

I was woke up really early today by the phone. It was MFIJ calling, he needed a ride. I told him I would be there to get him in a minute - he was shocked. I told him I had a car again, every time I had turned him down before was not because I was mad at him, it was because I couldn't do it. Now I could - and I would be there in a minute.
Of course he gave me bad directions and I had to come home and call him again from the caller ID on the phone and get them again. I finally found him. He had a black eye - looked worse then my Mom after her accident. He told me about the fight and that he did keep his cool and maintain his temper. He also told me it was hard because he hadn't had a drink in over a month. He also said he was thinking about it today to help numb the pain and knock him out so he could sleep. I told him I was proud of the month without, and that I really think some aspirin would be a better idea then drinking.
"I don't know if this is the right time." He said as we drove across town. "But I just want you to know ..."
I was cringing at the possibilities of what he might say at this point. I was okay with what he said.
"I still just want to be friends with you."
"That is understood, [MFIJ]. We had this talk before and agreed on it. I wouldn't be here now if I wasn't your friend."
"I just don't want you to think it's anything else." He said.
"I appreciate the concern, but I don't think it's anything other then friendship." I said.
"I wish we didn't have to met again under these circumstances." I really don't understand what circumstances those where (maybe he felt bad for needing the ride - or that he had the black eye - or ... I don't know).
"What? We are both alive and one can help the other. That's all that counts." I said. He agreed and thanked me again as I dropped him off. He said he would call me sometime next week and get me my movies back.

I stopped at Greg's on the way back home. He was very asleep, so I left. I rent some movies, then stopped and bought some with a gift certificate I received for Christmas. I put some gas in my car and then came home and made an early lunch.

My Room Mate has stunned me today.
He took the trash out - cleaned out the sink and actually ran the dishwasher.
Then to top it all off ... he talked to me about rent for this month and his current situation about moving (and I didn't have to mention a word - like I was going to do on Monday if he hadn't said anything).

Wow ... two to four weeks more and the place is mine - or Scott becomes my room mate again.

It's been a slow day kind of. Work was a regular Monday - except my helper didn't show up. He called in to say he would be late because of car trouble, but he never did show up. I still had everything done by the time I should have gone home.
My Mom lent me her 'stepometer' so we could see how far I end up walking at work. I've often joked about it being miles, now I know I'm right. The meter said I walked 5.07 miles this morning from the time I left my house to the time I got home.
Monday is a busy day - I have it for the rest of the week so I'm going see what the slow days work out to also. It's both kind of fun and informative so I can also see how much exercise I get compared to my blood sugar readings.

Anyway, I also seem to have all of my site downloaded from my server again. Now I can go through and edit a little and 'synchronize' the information.

And just wait for My Room Mate to give the rent money he said he would (today) so I can take Spence to the vet for his ear mite's check up and then get a hair cut.
He's done this before "I'll have the money to you by 'X' day." and I end up waiting around for it until about Midnight so he can still say he gave it to me on that day - but it's not like I could have upheld any obligations for that money on that day. It's another reason I'll be glad to see him go - only me to count on. No more games.

My plan is working ...
Okay - I stayed really busy today - and ended up spending all my money on things that had to be done.
Thus - I couldn't end up at the Porn Store in the Arcades - spending money that I need for other things.

I called and then went over to Scott's tonight.
So I wouldn't be out in really bad weather doing something I shouldn't like cruising a park or going to the arcade.
I also got to hear an interesting story from Scott. He was talking to someone on line. He point them to my page. (Next to my dad, Scott is one of my best 'press agents' letting everyone he can know about this page and what I do.)
"Oh, I've been here before, a long time ago." they said, followed by "Is he still alive?"
His response was,
"Well, he has a journal - and it doesn't update itself. Why don't you go check it out and see just how alive he is."
It's always interesting to me when friends that know better run into the idiots and wonder ... just how often I have to deal with this. (I've been saying for a long time - because I'm honest about it ... all the time folks).

My visit to Dr.'X' was good. I'm in great shape, he's even told me to cut back on the tests. I have how ever regained 6 of my 10 lbs. The Long John Silvers that Scott and I had for dinner probably didn't help me much.

I plan on going to work early tomorrow. That is because I have been training my 'helper' for the rest of the job. ... Starting to find all the problems. I'm going to have talk to my Boss about the people he has been considering and sending to me to train. He obviously things that my job goes for Monkeys - and that anyone could do it. Honestly, I have to admit - I once thought so myself - and when I first started maybe it was. But the job has changed a lot - and frankly since I have been trying to train some Monkeys - I know better now. He is going to have to judge the people he sends to me by the same standards the he would consider anyone he lets into the cash office. Accounting skills and the ability to add and subtract and follow procedures is essential.
My 'helper' has trouble seeing. He isn't blind, but he squints, pulls the papers very close to his face - still misreads the numbers and sentences. This is a problem. My 'helper' assures me it isn't that bad.
My 'helper's only task to day was to learn how to run an invoice. All invoices are the same - only the options are different. I gave him one kind of invoice today. The same procedure over and over. The idea I had was to get him familiar with the easiest kind of invoice, ones with a VERY Limited amount of options. 5 or 6 of them and he should have had this routine down ... we had twenty of these invoices. He never did get it. I had to finish them. Rather then call me for assistance, he stare at the handheld for over 20 minutes for 1 invoice .... I am not joking or exaggerating. My 'helper' promises it will be better tomorrow.
As I was going over the invoices he hadn't finished - I found several of them that where not done correctly ... I had to check the ones he had done earlier - luckily I found only 1 that I had to redo.
I find it a serious problem in training if the individual must have his hand held through every step of the process ... and is incapable of being left alone - or asking for help if he is.

I have to finish all the things we didn't get to, and I didn't have the time to stay for since I was having a sugar drop (all the way down to 68) and I had a Doctor's appointment to get to.
*sigh*
... ... ... I want to ... ... ... but I can and don't have the money to go to the arcade -
and feel something that isn't mine ... ... ... and hate myself for feeling it.

You know ... all the Valentines stuff is going up around the store ... ... and the city
I have to keep trying.

Love the show 'House'.
"I just want to die with some dignity."
"You can't! You die, everyone dies, it's ugly, it's painful, it's lonely and there is NO Dignity to it. You can only Live with Dignity! So don't give up on your life, don't give up and just die."
(It wasn't taped, and it was yesterday - I am paraphrasing the best that I can remember.)

Loving the Movie "Highway". I just finished watching it with Greg. That would make the third time I have watched it in two days since I rent it. I'm going to have to find it and add it to my collection.

Work was interesting.
It was the slow day. Worse because of the weather (we had an ice and sleet storm here yesterday night. And it began to snow today). Because of the weather, none of the night crew showed up - so my Boss yanked my 'helper' back from training to do things in the store. There wouldn't have been much for him to learn or do today ... so all for the best I guess. At about 9:30 the power went out, and didn't come back on until I was leaving around 1pm.
I spent the majority of the day outside chiseling away at the ice and snow on our walk. My Blood sugar was actually kind of low so I had a small snack every time before I went out and shoveled and chipped away at the ice. I actually kept my sugar level and around 100 the whole day at work despite all the activity. I was pretty proud of myself.
This of course was balanced by the odd occurrence of being at 115 when I ordered pizza for dinner when Greg got here - and in the middle of eating (seriously - I was about 3 slices into the pizza ... and I should only have about 4 tops) I had started sweating and shaking. I checked my levels - and I was 72. ?!? What the F*?!? I just kept eating pizza. 20 minutes ago I was at 140 so I'm ready for bed.

Ice.
My car doors where frozen shut - the locks also. For a moment I thought it must be a problem with Kia, but My Room Mate was having the same problem and I heard about many others today also.
I just remember thinking to myself;
"Frozen shut ... sounds just like me."
And as I worked at chiseling away at the 1 or 2 of ice on the walk at work; I chipped away what I could and then I put some ice melt down and wait for the sun to help melt some of it (not a lot of sun - but it did get just a little warmer), then I would go out and chip away at some more and clear off the chunks - repeat. I remember thinking;
"That's they way to do it. Don't force it. Just a little at a time. Work at it slowly. Time and environment can help."

I was telling Greg that Leland reminds me a lot of myself.
"Trust me, you are not that analytical." I looked around the empty room.
"Who are you talking to?"
"You are not like Leland." Greg repeat. "You have emotions."
"So did he. That is what drove him. He just had a hard time showing them - like me sometimes."
"Not like you. He was a Sociopath." Greg said.
"I'm not saying that he didn't have a problem, or that I am exactly like him. I can't kill. But the things he said, the things he says to others, the way he looks at things ..."
"Is not like you." Greg said.
There are times I wonder if he knows me at all. Maybe he's confusing me with someone else ... just like Devin does.

Daily Glucose Readings

I have a different trainee today and tomorrow. She is training as an Assistant Manager for another store. She's learning a hell of a lot faster then my 'Helper'.
I also had to shovel today. It was pretty easy after all the work I had put into it yesterday. I love it when a plan comes together.

Dr.'s appointment.
I went in to see the surgeon again about the lumps in my nipples (yeah, I upped the appointment because it is all plural now). He said his big concern is still the low platelets. I told him about the HIV and the Diabetes - he said they are not a factor. It's only cancer if I'm old ... must be glands or sists - and he can remove them.
I'm beginning to think he isn't taking everything into consideration. HIV can cause age like symptoms. My suppresses immune system (with a raging 220 T-cells at last count) should be as big a factor as not having enough platelets. It all just worries me a little.
I have an appointment with my Blood Doc tomorrow so he can determine if I can tolerate surgery.

Ray is coming into town. Should be here late tonight. We might get together for lunch or maybe dinner depending on when I get out of work and how the Doctor's appointment goes.

Now - just tired again. Going to make dinner and curl up on the couch with movies.
Good thing I don't have any money ... otherwise I'd be at the arcade.

icy heart ... frozen, hollow, brittle, with sharp icicles.
It is supposed to warm up tomorrow.

Well, it isn't me.
The Assistant that I trained for the last two days did incredible. In two days she learned more then my 'moron' wanted to and more then my 'helper' has in a couple of weeks.
She told me that I was a great teacher - patient and easy to understand. I didn't think I was doing all that much - she listen and follow instructions - hell, it was a pleasure to teach her.

I had a 'scary' moment this morning. I had a Hypoglycemic episode.
I usually have a drop around 9am or later, depending on how much activity I've done. It is really cold in the back right now (my latest trainee's only complaint). I started to shiver or shake ... but it was just after 8am. I figured I had to be cold. Then I started to sweat and feel a little nauseous. Could it be? I grabbed the meter and checked.
-77- @ 8:30. Well, it's low for me but not really low. I had a snack, and another half a snack. I've been feeling fine - just hungry ... so I haven't checked it again since. Probably high now. All those snacks and a large lunch. Maybe I should ...
Daily Glucose Readings

Interesting. I have nothing to say about it.
Ray is in town. I should see Barb and Dave tonight.

Oddly enough, My Room Mate seems to be getting more considerate as he gets ready to leave. Twice now I've caught him doing the dishes. That's more then I think he's done it in the last 6 months that he has been here. He's taken out the trash a few times as well. - Still can't wait for him to move out though.

Money is really tight again. I don't get paid until next Thursday. I'm out of dish soap. I'm out of Milk. I'll be out of food soon. I still have to come up with Rent - a couple of Doctor's bills, Tags and taxes for the car ... it's going to hurt.

This is just PURE BITCHING for my benefit.

I'm at work. I have forgotten to shave every day this week. It's my fault and I know it. It isn't as if I am planning to grow a beard against company dress code. It's been a bad week, I've had a lot on my mind and I just forgot. All excuses and I know it.
It never seemed to bad though ... I mean NO ONE at work has said anything about it.
In fact ... technically, they still haven't.

My boss just did something I consider worse though.
As I walked by his office, he hand me a Razor. It was one of those fancy 4 blade things ... I thought he was showing it to me for some reason ("Look what I just bought." or "This is damaged please take it to the back."). I started to comment,
"Oh, Is that one of those new special raz-"
"It's for you." He said. I was a touch confused - a gift? I feel bad I didn't get him anything even if I could never use - oh ...
"I'm sorry I haven't shaved." I said. "Honestly I just keep forgetting. I will be shaved when I come in next." I continued. <there's one>
"You can use this." he said handing it to me again.
"No I can't." I said. "My skin is very sensitive and I have to use an electric." I state looking at him now and ignoring the out-stretched razor.
"Should I get you one of those?" He asked sarcastically.
"I have one at home." I informed him. "It's been a bad week and I've had problems waking up and I forgot. I usually shave every other day - "
"Hell son, I shave every dang day!" he exclaimed cutting me off. I bit my tongue and didn't say,
          "Well Goody for you!" Instead I tried to sound annoyed as I continue,
"My skin is to sensitive to shave every day. I can bleed even with an electric."
"If you have problems in the morning maybe you should do it at night before bed." he suggested.
Actually, I was thinking at noon when i get home and I can remember it. At night I crawl into bed exhausted. I wasn't going to get into this debate. I merely repeat,
"I said I was sorry and I will take care of it before I come in again." <there's two>
"Okay, that's all I needed to know. Thank you, son." he said. I hate the son part. I'm glad he didn't say anything else because that is when i would have told him his other options - Write me up and let me go back to work; Have me clock out and go home to shave. Either of which I would have been more then happy to do.
-- All he would have to do is ASK me; or TELL me (he is a Manager and my Boss - he doesn't have to ask, but he would have to give the order). --

This Bullshit Innuendo is cowardice. Something a Manager Can't be in my opinion.
He never asked me to shave.
He never told me to shave.
He hand me a razor and told me about HIS hygiene habits, then gave me shit about anything I had to say.
If "All he needed to know" was that I would take care of it or hear an apology then I shouldn't have had to repeat them.

My Boss is a complete ASS.

=== 10:00
I feel a little better now, but my Boss is still an ASS.
I just feel better because someone else agreed.
One of the Corporate Managers was here (who used to work here - and we would always joke around) and we where talking about our experiences in France (he is also in the Military and has traveled a bit). My Manager "asked" him to move his cart ("Move that there cart so Brother can get by!" he shout), Then as he walked by he turned to the Corporate Manager and said,
"Maybe you can teach him how to shave."
As I rolled my eyes I noticed the Corporate Manager flipping him off behind his back.
"What an ASS." He said, the continued our conversation.

Later I told him about our 'shaving' talk. His first response was,
"He could just tell you to shave?" and I had to laugh. He went on to tell me how much he doesn't like my Boss because he always shouts (I have mentioned before, he has no 'volume control' in his voice. He is just loud), and that he has this tendency to lean in real close when he talks to you (I have mentioned before how he does this, and how it seems passively intimidating because of his size - but I have another theory about that, because I have noticed that when he does that - its the only time he lowers his voice a notch ... and typically when he says something he only wants you to hear - mostly likely because he knows that what he is saying is wrong ... and now it will still be only your word against his about what he said).
"Personally I need my personal space." The corporate Manager said to me, "Just bugs the shit out of me when he steps in like that."

==== 17:45 ( here at the computer)
So much more to write about.
Lets start with this little Political Awareness bit.

Dear Friend:

Remember Fahrenheit 911 when no senator would object to the certification of the Florida vote? Not this year. Sen. Barbara Boxer joined the objection to voting irregularities in Ohio and the new Democratic Leader Sen. Harry Reid of Nevada stood with her.  This forced the House and Senate to hold two hours of debate on the integrity of voting in our country -- hopefully beginning some real reform.

Thousands of people are sending thank you letters to Sen. Boxer and Sen.
Reid. Join me in signing the thank you letter at:

http://www.moveonpac.org/boxer_reid/

There is a pre-made Thank you letter there - but you can add additional comments. I add this to my letter.

Thank You for standing up and speaking out. I am sure that the People that elect you appreciate the voice you have given them.
I wish there where more Politicians like you.
Please continue to fight and make this country everything we believe it is.

I want to Thank my friend Mike for sending me this little notice.

Also, back to work a little.
One of our Biggest Wigs was fired. I don't know why and I really don't care. He was the one I never really liked because he made an issue out of my enforcing one of the rules he is supposed to be encouraging me to enforce. He is the one that my Vendors and I 'make fun of' because he walks through the square in defiance of me and once told me,
"I assure you everything is fine." in that funny little condescending voice of his. There is a part of me that wishes that I would have been there when he got the news and I would have been ballzy enough to say,
"I assure you everything will be fine." in that funny little voice of his.

I was right on schedule for getting out of there. I called my Mom to let her know when I would be for lunch. An hour after I said I would be there I called her again,
"I'm sorry Mom. If I hear the phrase, 'Oh good, you are still here!' one more time I think I'll kill someone." What ended up keeping me so long is that about 3 people came to me after Noon (when receiving closes down so I can run all the paperwork and get out of there) with invoices that should have been turned in days ago - which means that I had to run them, and rerun the paperwork they effected. Plus - my printer kept jamming so I had to print everything about one page at a time.

Mom and I got off to a rough start, because she wasn't listening to anything I said. I ended up having to repeat it about 3 times. After I let out a really loud sigh and just sank back into the couch ... she asked me what was wrong - I told her ... and she began to make the effort to hear me and we finally worked out everything.
I really love my Mother, but she can be aggravating at times.

I ran a few errands. I got the things from Dollar General that I have to have to make it to payday. I was still short - Milk ... I stopped by Greg's and he loan me $3 to get the milk. I used the change to get a box of Mac'n'Cheese. It really sounded good, it will be dinner tonight as I sit down and watch "Battlestar Galactica" on TV and see if I really want to watch the new series on Sci-Fi. It's looking good. I was a fan of the old show - despite realizing just how 'cheesy' it is now. I'm interested in the revisions they made.

My day has been very short but very interesting.
I over slept - 6am med's where taken at 9am. I then went back to bed. 1pm med's where taken at about 3pm when I woke up again. I took 5pm med's on time.
That was when MFIJ called me, and asked if I was doing anything. If I wouldn't mind picking him up and maybe spending some time. I went and got him, took him home long enough to get all but one of my DVD's back then came here to watch "Bubba Ho-Tep" (a Christmas gift from Barb and Dave). We had pizza and laughed our asses off.
"God, I miss hanging out with you." He said at one point. Me too actually. I had a great time.

As I was talking to him on the phone - I had a sugar drop - and finally got someone to message me on Yahoo. I had tried to talk to a lot of people on line here lately. I kept getting ignored. Scott is the only one to talk to me in messenger on a regular basis. Today I put up the message : "Tired of being ignored - if you want to chat msg me". Of course someone that hasn't been on line in a long time messaged me. We had a very interesting conversation as I prepared to leave. (By the way - I should point out, this person assumed a long time ago that I was female, and I just never corrected him so we could keep talking).

D** (5:30:26 PM): i want to chat but i havent been on as much as usual i dont use this as much any more
D** (5:31:29 PM): im guessin ur not around at the moment
<Me> (5:31:49 PM): just on the phone darling
<Me> (5:31:53 PM): give me a second
D** (5:32:11 PM): o ok my bad ill brb though i gotta log out to reboot
<Me> (5:41:45 PM): sorry I couldn't talk just then
<Me> (5:42:12 PM): but as soon as I stop shaking I need to go and pick up a freind of mine that needs a ride
D** (5:42:37 PM): whats wrong?
<Me> (5:43:05 PM): sorry - didn't mean to panic you - I just realized how that sounds
<Me> (5:43:14 PM): shaking is from low blood sugar
<Me> (5:43:27 PM): I was diagnosed with diabetes about 2 months ago
<Me> (5:43:55 PM): he needs a ride because otherwise he'd be walking in 20 degree weather and snow and ice
<Me> (5:44:24 PM): I've eaten - I just have to wait about 15 minutes to stop shaking - then I can drive safely
D** (5:45:10 PM): ic well i understand that my friend she was diagnosed with diabetes about 3 weeks ago and my aunt was diagnosed with it about 5 months ago i think
<Me> (5:46:01 PM): yeah - I had to spend a weekend in the hospital when a routine blood test came back with sugars at 625 (Really high)
<Me> (5:46:18 PM): now that the med's have kicked in I have to watch for the lows more now
D** (5:46:46 PM): yea thats what she says to my friends hers bottom out on her at nite while she sleeps
<Me> (5:47:05 PM): she needs a bigger bed time snack *L*
<Me> (5:47:30 PM): today I'm all screwed up because I over slept and I hadn't really eaten yet.
<Me> (5:47:43 PM): I'll have a bigger meal after I pick MFIJ up
D** (5:48:16 PM): thats good i havent been to bed in since friday i think ive been up like 2 days now
<Me> (5:48:32 PM): BABY! You need to go to bed!
<Me> (5:48:44 PM): I wish I was there to tuck you in
D** (5:49:23 PM): itd be nice i aint got no one to tuck me in at the moment the person who was doin it is mad at me
<Me> (5:49:52 PM): I know the feeling - MFIJ was one of those for me also ... just friends now
<Me> (5:50:09 PM): at least he pretend to love me for a month - good month
D** (5:50:52 PM): yup well problem were havin is i let her sister give me head and she found out about it and got mad
<Me> (5:51:11 PM): oh ... bad move babe
<Me> (5:51:20 PM): why didn't you just wait for her?
D** (5:53:09 PM): i dunno im tryin to make this whole monogmy thing work but damn is it hard to change ur ways i got so used to bein able to go and get it from a number of ppl when i wanted to that when i started fallin for her it fucked me up ive slipped 3 other times that she dont know about but i was drunk two of them its what <male? name>always did to me i shouldve known what hed do when he called me after not hearin from him in months
<Me> (5:55:10 PM): ?<male? name> - he'd ... cheat on you? (not that I mind that) and by the way - to many times ppl have used Drunk as an excuse ... but it doesn't fly with me any more ... you do what you want
<Me> (5:55:13 PM): sober or not
D** (5:56:38 PM): yea i know hell i was happy when he called me and him have had alot of fun over the yrs and i missed the old times we had and i wanted at least one last time with him but as long as <girlfriend> dont know im fine though it does bother me that i keep it a secret from her
<Me> (5:59:03 PM): I didn't know you where bi - cool. Secrets are never good. Any thing you are 'ashamed' enough to hide will ALWAYS come back to bite you in the ass
D** (5:59:48 PM): that is so true yea im bi i live in small town arkansas so its kind of a habit for me to keep it to myself
<Me> (6:00:47 PM): I'm in Kansas remember - I know. But Ive watched to many people fall from the secrets they keep only to find out that no one gave a shit as long as they where honest about it
<Me> (6:01:15 PM): it's the fact it was hidden - no trust enough to tell someone that really hurt
D** (6:02:48 PM): yea i know trust is important to normal ppl me it dont bother me if u keep secrets from me cause i dont trust anyone not even myself i know she kept it secret that she hooked up with an old bf a while back and i found out through her sister and asked her about it but it didnt bother me none
<Me> (6:03:37 PM): no - you just let the sister give you head to get even May have over stepped my boundary there
<Me> (6:04:04 PM): Anyway D** - get some sleep ... try not to worry about it - it will all work out in the end
<Me> (6:04:10 PM): I have to go and get MFIJ now
D** (6:04:24 PM): ok later im gonna shower and see if i can get some sleep
<Me> (6:04:34 PM): >:S<
<Me> (6:04:44 PM): sorry I mean <Hug emote which is >:D< >
D** (6:05:11 PM): ty it was good talkin with u again ill try to be gettin on more often
<Me> (6:05:23 PM): Good I'll see you then
D** (6:05:37 PM): bye

So after MFIJ and I watched a movie, he wanted to talk to his cousin (who lives near by). While he was gone I wrote a letter to D** with some confessions. (I would just post my letter here, but it's already lost and I thought I had saved it.)
In my Yahoo 'persona' I tell people that I don't have pictures of me, and that I don't have a web cam (which, now, it just isn't hooked up). I also tell them that the reason for that is because I had an accident and was burned and I'm not pretty to look at.
I confessed that I wasn't burned - it was figurative not literal. I gave him the links to the halloween pictures of the Burns. I then also gave him the link to this site so that basically he would know the only other thing I had 'lied' about was letting him assume my sex as female. I then expressed my hope to be able to continue talking as we have, and maybe still do cam things (and that if he really wanted, I would try to hook my cam up for him).

Confession is good for the soul.
So is sleep.
I've SHAVED, so I'll try getting some sleep now for work in the morning.
Ray may be back in town then and we will try to get together. MFIJ borrowed one other movie from me ("Hero") and wants to get together and just hang out again.
PS> he really is trying to straighten out his act. Remember I mentioned he had been in a fight and had a black eye and a hurt ear - rather then get 'revenge' on his own - he called the police and filed an assault charge. He's trying to do it all the right way.
Frankly - kind of proud of him.

I just got back from the Doctor's. This is the Oncologist that is handling my Thrombocytopedia (Low Platelets). I was sent back to him from the Surgeon to determine if I had enough good working platelets to handel surgery - so he could remove the lumps in my breasts (specifically my Nipples). To my surprise (just because it hasn't happened recently) the Doctor ordered tests that would actually look at the problem.
I was given lab work for a blood test to check on my Platelets (not the number, but another aspect of them - which he said if elevated could cause the tightness in my chest [that I have been complaining about for months now] and even the lumps) and a Chest X-Ray! (something which had been talked about and suggested by me to the surgeon so he could actually get a look at what was in there before going in with a knife)
"I'm sure we won't find anything unusual, but there are pages of reasons why these things could happen and it would just be good medicine to check on them and follow up on it."
Can we get an Amen! for the Doctor! Halalujah!

It was refreshing to actually hear that for a change. I am so happy.

It is his recommendation that I get a platelet transfusion (the IGI? stuff I had used before with the previous Doctor) in pre-op, and that my current platelets are working well enough that between that little boost and my regular counts I should be fine and have no problems healing from the surgery.
I stopped by my Primary Care Physician and left him a note about these plans and then came home.

MFIJ may or may not drop by tonight. I have no plans except to sit in front of the TV and watch something. The roads are getting unpredictably nasty out. So far I haven't had a problem - and I don't want to have one.
I also left a note with my Landlady (she was not in the office any of the three times I stopped by to talk to her personally) letting her know that I am aware that rent is late - I'm sorry - and that I am paid on the 13th and will have it all (including late charges) by then.
On that day - I will find out how much is left over and what I can do about my first car payment (shouldn't be a problem) Tags and Taxes (maybe a problem that waits for two more weeks). Then I will hop on all the bills that have been neglected this month because of it.

Oh, Disappointed.
Got on the Scale at the Doctor's. I seem to have gained back all 10 of those pounds I lost and thought I could maintain off.
*sigh* Time to work a little harder at it.

Oh, and Shaved ...
My Boss is still an Ass. As I was walking to and from the computer I caught a glance of him trying to look at me and see if I had shaved. He couldn't just come up and look or ask me ... he wants to play games - I was in a good mood, I can play games. I actually began to notice where he was and when he was looking and would cover my face with papers or something and 'hide' from him. Finally, he just stepped up in front of me and with a louder then normal voice,
"Hi Bret! How are you doing today? Did you survive the weekend?"
?!?what the-?!? Survive the weekend? Was there a doubt? Did he hear some rumor or think there was a problem?
"Since I'm standing here, I must have." I said and just walked on by. At that time, he could clearly see my shaved face - and I think that is most likely the reason he didn't say anything else to me today.
(Except for one business related thing - which was in and of it's self annoying because he didn't give a shit about what I had to say and thus just shouldn't have asked.
He came back with some Fruit Cakes that a vendor would need to pick up. He asked me where he should put them so the Vendor would find them, and they wouldn't get 'hurt'. I pointed and told him where they should go. He then said,
"How about if I put them here." and he then stacked them on my office window sill, and left. Well, if that is where he wanted to put them, he should have just done it - no need to ask me where and then ignore me.
He bugs me more and more each day.)

Start with :

D**(7:59:19 PM): hey yea its kool see i already knew ur other name and i knew u were a guy it didnt matter to me at all so i just nvr said anything we had already established things the way they were so i figured hell why throw a kink in the works and i do think its kool of u to tell me this but u didnt have to cause like i said i dont mind secrets and they dont bother me theres probly alot of things ive nvr reveled to u about myself maybe someday ull know all of them afterall no one knows what the future holds and as far as things with my gf we back on speaking terms but shes still pissed and were both still hurting from some of the nasty things we said to each other but anyway ive been prattaling on like a school gurl long enough see u soon
<Me> (8:43:01 PM):

Then go to :

Scott(5:27:25 PM): when i get paid i'm getting my lip pierced
Scott(5:27:46 PM): *ex-room mate* is going to peirce my ears when he comes down next, i'm going to gage them up
<Me>(5:28:16 PM): ... oh kay ...
<Me>(5:28:20 PM): and why?
Scott(5:28:46 PM): cuz, i want some cool things in my life again, i wanna get back to what i like, metal, pericings, tattoos
Scott(5:28:53 PM): i started it years ago with my tat
Scott(5:29:06 PM): brb
<Me>(5:29:09 PM): and just never continued because ... ?
<Me>(5:29:24 PM): you've had plenty of other opportunities
Scott(5:40:30 PM): well, i did the nipples, and was going to continue after that but *ex-wife* came
Scott(5:40:34 PM): so all my money disapeared
Scott(5:40:40 PM): now i'm going to finally treat myself to some good things
Scott(5:40:47 PM): gonna get a honda, with good gas milage
Scott(5:40:59 PM): gonna buy cool (but cheap) stuff for my house
Scott(5:41:03 PM): i just wanna... live you know
Scott(5:41:08 PM): go to concerts with friends
Scott(5:41:10 PM): have *my daughter* over
Scott(5:41:18 PM): and have a good home with lots of things for her to play with
Scott(5:41:21 PM): i wanna travel a bit
Scott(5:41:36 PM): i feel like i missed out on my childhood/young adultness because i got married
Scott(5:41:54 PM): i wanna take YOU out to eat for a change
Scott(5:42:08 PM): i wanna get an aquarium with fish
<Me>(5:42:13 PM): slow down
<Me>(5:42:17 PM): one thing at a time
Scott(5:42:18 PM): hey, i gotta list here!
Scott(5:42:19 PM): lol
Scott(5:42:22 PM): literally
Scott(5:42:24 PM): a list!
<Me>(5:42:35 PM): and I'd go for nipples pierced before the lip
Scott(5:42:36 PM): i feel alive again!
Scott(5:42:48 PM): well, i've got a really good paying job that doesn't care if i have it in or not
Scott(5:42:57 PM): hell i could wear a wife beater to work
Scott(5:42:58 PM): they don't care
<Me>(5:43:06 PM): even better
<Me>(5:43:17 PM): I'll probably feel like you do now in about 4 months
Scott(5:43:25 PM): lol hang on again
Scott(5:43:26 PM): phone
<Me>(5:43:28 PM): No more room mate and all my bills caught up
Scott(5:43:40 PM): *ex-room mate* keeps loosing signal and calling back lol
<Me>(5:44:10 PM): *L* Tell *ex-room mate* he needs to keep it up better ... his signal that is
<Me>(6:08:59 PM): Hey Scott - I have to go ... I'm poor, horny, frustrated, lonely, hungry and for some reason angry now. Maybe it's my anti-depressant finally running out - I'm going to eat and watch TV
<Me>(6:09:03 PM): L8+r

And then move into -

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGHH!!!!!!!!

I cannot take this anymore I'm saying everything I've said before All these words they make no sense I find bliss in ignorance Less I hear the less you'll say But you'll find that out anyway Just like before.. Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I find the answers aren't so clear Wish I could find a way to disappear All these thoughts they make no sense I find bliss in ignorance Nothing seems to go away Over and over again Just like before shut up when I'm talking to you shut up, shut up, shut up I'm about to BREAK

The other day when I was talking to MFIJ somehow we got onto the subject of 'X' (extasy - the drug) and it's symptoms or traits. He doesn't think it would effect me that much;
"Because you are a naturally happy person anyway."
Couple this up with Greg saying that I'm not that analytical a few days ago -

MY GOD! I HAVE PEOPLE SO SNOWED OVER ABOUT ME!!

Maybe this is the fact that I have now not been taking my antidepressant now for 4 days (because I ran out, the Doctor delayed calling in the refill prescription and - I don't know how I'm going to pay for it right now - I think I need the Danazol more since I'm about to try a surgery to remove my fucking nipples).
I have to make these kinds of choice all the time. Usually - I'm okay if I miss a day or so of something and I can then juggle or beg the money from someone - But now ... I'm tapped out.
I've borrowed more then I ever wanted to from everyone around me - I will not have the money for a while now. And frankly - WHY!??!

Where is the reward for all this fighting to stay on top - healthy - and nice?
All I have ever wanted in my life is a Lover.
It isn't going to happen.
"My Mom just out of nowhere bust out and said 'Poor Bret! It just isn't fair!' " MFIJ was telling me. "and I was like, where is all this coming from all of a sudden? and she told me she had just heard about your being diabetic on top of being HIV positive and that you have never done anything wrong to anyone and it wasn't fair for all of this to happen to such a nice person - it was as if God just hated you."
"God doesn't hate me." I told MFIJ. "I'm just his favorite joke."
"What the fuck?" MFIJ exclaimed. "What's the difference?" He asked.
"God loves everyone - especially me. Don't you really love the people that make you laugh?"
I hate to say this people - but the only reason I haven't just given up on taking my medications and trying to make ends met until I die from something or other is because my Friends won't let me. God bless them, they care and they think they are doing something right - and I love them back for the thought:
But deep in my mind - They are not my lover. They don't care enough otherwise they would see that for someone they love all they are doing is prolonging my pain. I fight for my life for them. I don't give up because of them.
But for a Lover - I'd go to war. I'd kick Gabriel in the balls, fight dirty and run like hell if I thought it would matter.
For my Friends, I'm just telling her to back off and leave me alone.

That Lover is never coming.
So ... what is the point?
Hope? been down this road ... it's to late for hope. I've already lost all desire and dignity. My life means nothing by it's self. My friends gave it some meaning - but not enough for me to keep on like I have been.

What do Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and True Love with HIV have in common?
None of them exist. Only in story books, fictional tales and dreams.
The only thing that really bites about that statement - Shawn Decker and Gwen proved me wrong ...
Then again, maybe they are fictional also - hallucinations in my mind.

All morning, I have been fighting an overwhelming sense of sadness - I have that lump in my throat like when you want to cry ... like I could break down at any moment.
And I have been thinking - "Is this the antidepressant wearing off?" and the answer is, "I don't know and I don't care."
Because, even though I feel sad, I'm not depressed. More then anything right now ... I go back to stating that I am overwhelmingly ANGRY.
No real reason other then I feel as if I have been gypped out of my life - my dreams - my only desire.

If this is the drug wearing off - then all that tells me is that there is a lot of suppressed emotions and issues that have just never been dealt with.
So, I'll deal with them now ... until I have the money to drug them out of existence again.
... it's what makes everyone else happy. (thus the away message "Severely under medicated - leave me alone")

== 16:25
I am without a doubt - the BEST at torturing myself.
Who else do you know that would be in the above state of mind and then sit down to watch "Boy's on the Side" - and worse ... know that I will come back after I have been to the bank and drawn out what I can for what medication I might be able to get, and replay some of the more emotional parts of the movie so that I can quote them here in the journal.
Sit down Jax, you're a pussy.

== 17:30

I was hoping for the $60 my checkbook said. Then I would only be $10 away from both med's. Instead there was only $15 so I am $10 away from the med I need the most - and $45 away from that Antidepressant.
I came home and checked the mail - My Brother sent me a check for $200 ... little late for tonight, but I can put it in the bank and get both med's in the morning and have enough left over for my first Car payment and then I can just focus my paycheck on Rent, tags and taxes.
Oh, one other solution to these problems in the future - I applied for a credit card today. If I get it, it will be for reservations and identification uses - and the purchase of med's when I need them - all the money I get remimbursed will pay the card. It's a plan - maybe it will actually work.

Quotes from the Movie "Boy's on the Side" :

JANE ....Do you miss it?
ROBIN What?
J- Sex.
R- Yeah, I do....You know what's weird? You never know the last time you sleep with somebody it's the last time. You're thinking: "Oh, we got problems, we got work to do," you know, but you never think...and then you break up and a month later you look back and you go: "Oh, that was it." That Tuesday or Friday or whenever, and you wished you paid attention because it was the last time....

ROBIN You need to know something.
ALEX It's okay, I know. I'm going to use something.
R- What?
A- I'm going to use something. It's okay. We'll be safe. Don't worry about it.
R- About what?
A- Come on, shh, it's okay.
R- No. No. You don't understand. I...I'm...positive. I tested positive.
A- It's okay. I know. I know. I just don't want to talk about it, all right? Because I already know...What? What's the matter?
R- Who told you?
A- Nobody. Nobody told me. Come on...
R- It was Jane. She told you.
A- Yeah, she told me.
R- Why?
A- It was no big deal. She said you were shy and had...had a bad time with some guy and I guessed, and she didn't deny it. It just came up real casually. It's just part of your history, like hey, she's on the rebound or something so be careful, you know. It just came out...
R- What does that make you? Big hero? Bringing sex to the unfuckable. You must feel really good about yourself.
A- Oh, God. That's not it. I just want things the way they used to be. You know? When I meet someone, someone I like, have a good time, get drunk, and fuck my brains out. Why can't we do that anymore?
R- Because you can't. That's all. Just can't. I think you should go home.
A- Robin.
R- No, please. Don't make me beg. Just go.

JANE So you had a good time, huh?
ROBIN Real good time until I found out you told him I've got HIV.
J- Well, I didn't exactly tell him, you know.
R- No, I know. He guessed. You know, she looks like the kind of girl that tested positive for the AIDS virus. I don't know, she's got that kind of glow.
J- It slipped out.
R- What did you think you were doing, setting me up like that?
J- I thought I was doing a good thing. I mean, I know you like him and he likes you.
R- Yeah, great. Maybe he'll ask me to go steady. Maybe he'll take me to the prom.
J- Come on.
R- What, do you think I'm stupid?
J- No. I don't think that at all.
R- You think that you can just put a man in my bed and I'll forget? All it does, if you want to know, all it does is remind me. Alex and you and Holly and her baby. Every single living thing I see reminds me.
J- So what are you going to do? Are you gonna hide in the house? Are you going to lock yourself away? Come on!
R- You don't know anything about it. Anyway, it's none of your business. You're the one that's in love with somebody that you can never have.

ELAINE I know that you're not well, Darling. I don't know what it is and I don't want to know. But I know you'll get better. You were always the strong one. I can't lose you. I can't just lose everybody. I do the best I can, Honey. I know it's not enough, and I'm sorry. But that's what you get in life, you know? You get whoever you end up with. Whoever is willing to stick by you and fight for you when everyone else is gone. And it ain't always who you expect. But you just have to make do.
ROBIN I'm not complaining, Mom.
ELAINE Never complain. Never explain. Katherine Hepburn. She said that in Redbook last month. It's a good motto, isn't it?

ROBIN Yeah, me, too. I get so angry so fast. It's just it's...lonely. Between me and everybody else there's all this space all the time and it gets bigger and bigger and...I'm on one side, you know...and, I'm screaming and the one person I think I'm holding is afraid of it, too.
JANE I'm holding you.
R- There will not be anymore lies between us, not even for my own good.
J- No ma'am.

JANE (Singing): "One look, from you...I drift away...I pray that you are here to stay...Anything you want, you got it...Anything you need, you got it...Anything at all, you got it...Baby...Every time I hold you I begin to understand...Everything about you tells me that I'm your best friend...So I live my life to be with you... 'Cause no one can do the things you do...Anything you want, you got it...Anything you need, you got it...Anything at all, you got it...Baby...Anything you need...Anything you want...you got it...Anything you need, you got it..."

And again we quote "Linkin Park"
... In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried
it all fell apart
What it meant to me
will eventually
be a memory
of a time when I
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There's only one thing you should know
... in the end
It doesn't even matter

I am in such a better mood today.

Despite the printer at work breaking down, work was okay.
Ray has finally come into town (he had business in Pittsburgh ... and that took longer then he expected). We had lunch, and did some shopping for him (and actually I found a lot of really great deals and depending on the size of my paycheck may go and get some it tomorrow). He has some other obligations in town, and then he's coming back for dinner where we hope to be able to get Scott to join us.

I was able to get the Money Jason sent me out, and am going to get med's and some diet 2 liters in a little bit.
I'll probably write again later and let you know how my evening went - I just feel fantastic about being in a better mood today. Less blame on the Antidepressant now and just more of "I was in a bad mood."
Actually ....

<Me> (6:38:50 PM): how was work today?
Scott (6:38:55 PM): exhausting
Scott (6:38:56 PM): but good
Scott (6:39:01 PM): you okay? what meds are you out off?
Scott (6:39:03 PM): *of
Scott (6:39:10 PM): do you need me to get something for you?
<Me> (6:39:20 PM): I'll be okay tomorrow
<Me> (6:39:26 PM): Jason just send me $200
<Me> (6:39:40 PM): I've been off my Danazol for 2 days
Scott (6:39:42 PM): damn, lol, i wish jason was my brother haha
Scott (6:39:48 PM): what does danazol do?
<Me> (6:39:56 PM): my Lexapro - antidepressant for 4 days
Scott (6:40:00 PM): omg
<Me> (6:40:05 PM): Danazol is for platelets
Scott (6:40:13 PM):
<Me> (6:40:13 PM): I'm in a foul mood.
<Me> (6:40:26 PM): maybe it's the Lex - maybe it just is

It must have just been. Bless Scott for offering to get me something, but I know he doesn't have any money until he gets paid next Friday. Anyway, that conversation diverged into plans for Saturday night.

=== really late

Couldn't find Scott. Forgot it was Wednesday, and Greg came by. He joined Ray and I for dinner. Ray took off, Greg stayed to watch "Without a Paddle".
I didn't give Greg a hug tonight - because I am incredibly horny. As he open his arms for the hug, I said,
"No hug tonight. I will do or say something very inappropriate."
"What?" He replied.
"I'm on the verge of it anyway." He just nod and went on his way.

Actually - I did get my med's today (all of them) I'll start fresh with them tomorrow. Maybe it's a side effect of the antidepressant - maybe not ... but I have been horny as hell the past few days. I've felt it, and masturbate more then I have in months. Beginning to wonder if this 'antidepressant' is just a testosterone suppressant. I still remember how angry and aggressive I was when I was on the testosterone patches. ... seems similar to me.

Best line of the night : (Greg)
We were talking about Kansas's new 'slogan' for tourism.
"As big as you want it to be." Which sounds like a pick-up line in a bar to us. We where talking about something else (I was laughing so hard I can't remember what now, and then Greg said;
"This is Kansas. Tragedy builds Character!"

This day isn't starting well. If you notice the time, I have just woke up (for the second time).
My Room Mate came home at 3:40am - I remember this because as usual, he still can't close a door - he slams them. As my alarm went off at 4:45 for work, I realized he was in the shower, using all the hot water. ... My wake up shower with hot water is pretty essential to the beginning of my day - I almost consider this an act of war.
Pot headed grass Dealer needs to get his ass out of my house. Not sure I even want to cut him any slack about staying any longer now ... but if I even have to argue with him a little about paying me more money for rent on Sunday (which is lenient since technically he is only paid up the the 14th) he's going to lose the last of any understanding and reason he has left with me.

As is - I'm here after having had breakfast early as I try to kill a little time to gain some hot water.
Which brings me to my next subject.
Greg last night. He said something that showed me something I don't like. I have the rest of my day today to forget about it, or I will be writing him a letter telling him to take some time off from our friendship. This very Hypocritical thing that he said showed me a lot about the way he thinks of me.
"No hug tonight. I will do or say something very inappropriate." referred to this comment and what was starting to go through my head. I figured it would fade away in my sleep - but instead I dreamed about it in detail in a number of settings and with a multitude of characters (Starting with Greg as a truck driver arguing with me about this on the grounds of a law library where I work and live - to all the characters in Smallville - and lastly up in the Mountains in a cabin watching the newest X-men film on a Drive in Screen with his family (which was actually someone else's family) ... it was all strange).
I'll share the letter if I write it. ... and let you know if I give it.

Can't wait any longer for hot water.
Guess I'll shave then shower and get my ass to the busiest day of work.

I decided to write the letter, then decide if I should give it to him or if I'm just over reacting.

==== 22:30

It's late and I should be in bed, but I'm not ... not yet.
Scott called me and let me know what had happened to him yesterday (He just didn't want to deal with anyone after a day of lots of bad news).
Turns out he was free today - so I went over and got him because I needed some time to distance myself from the first draft of the letter. We hung out all afternoon and evening - in fact I just took him home.
Scott and I talked a lot, and did some 'stupid' things. He mentioned walking more, and I suggested walking to get some movies we had talked about.
Jeez it was cold. And I was close to the edge of needing food - but I couldn't tell if my shaking was from the cold or if the sweat was from the exercise. I did a reading again just before eating dinner - I wasn't that low. 2 hour walk didn't knock me down that far. It was weird.
Fortunately for me, the first thing Scott and I did was go shopping for a new winter coat. It's a good coat. He wore my old coat on top of what he was wearing. We froze, it was a treacherous walk on all the ice that was out there. It was a lot of fun. We should never have looked at my travel alarm to find out it was only 14 degrees out.
We rented "Shaun of the Dead". Scott was having some stomach problems ... and took over Greg's position of providing 'Smell-o-vision'. I'll never be able to watch that movie without the memories of those smells.
God, I'm getting so distracted from the point of getting here.
Scott and I talked about all kinds of things - including this letter. We talked about it, Scott read the letter and thought it was a good idea. He had the same concern I did - that it would seem I'm over-reacting to the situation; instead of the underlying cause. But he thought the letter should be expressed and couldn't hurt.
So, I put $4 dollars and the letter in an envelope. We went to where Greg works for dinner (but actually, we had two options and I chose wrong). So, as I dropped Scott at home, I stopped at Greg's. He wasn't home, but his door was open - so I left the envelope on his computer keyboard.
I'll end the suspense now. Here is what I wrote.

Greg,

First, I would really like to thank you for being such a good friend lately. Not only things like this loan, but in all the ways you have offered to help, and in just spending some time watching TV or movies. Not to mention all the laughs from things like,
"This is Kansas. Tragedy builds Character!"

Thank you very much for the loan of $3. I really hated to ask for it, but I really needed it for Milk (otherwise I wouldn't have been able to have breakfast and with the diabetes I have to eat first thing in the morning to survive work).

But, I am going to have to bring something up and make a suggestion.
Last night you brought up something - which became a chain of something that you made an issue of ... and it has been progressively bothering me to the point of this letter.

Thank you for the loan of $3. I am truly sorry I had to wake you.
Why you found it necessary to tell me last night that when you woke up you had "morning wood" and had to hide it from me ...
Okay - I don't know why you brought it up. You did. I apologized for waking you again and let you know that I honestly didn't even notice.
Honestly, I didn't. I felt bad for waking you, I felt bad that I had to ask for money. It isn't the first time I've seen you in your boxers - and for all the 'scrambling around' you did I really just thought you where diving back into the covers of the bed because you where cold. I thanked you for the money and I left you to go back to bed.
You have asked so many times, and damn near beat it into my head that we are not - never where - in that kind of relationship and why can't we just leave the past in the past and enjoy the moments we are in right now as friends and only friends - I just don't even look at you that way any more.
But it seems to me, that you still think I do - or want me to. Because you kept bringing it up.
You where going out of your way, you said, to hide it from me. Fine. I didn't notice it, you did a good job hiding.
You where doing it to be polite and considerate of my feelings - you said. ? what ?
I've seen many a man and woman naked before. I am more then capable of turning my own eyes away if I am offended. Do you know what calls more attention to something ? Going out of your way to hide it. Going out of your way to bring it up after nothing seems to have happened. Going out of your way to keep talking about it after it has been said - all is okay.

Two examples of others. Scott and Frank. Both have also been my room mates. Both have been completely honest with me about their sexuality and there feelings for me.
I've never seen Scott naked. It isn't as if he goes out of his way to hide it - it just never happened. Even if it ever where, we have the definition of our relationship well defined and nothing is going to change that. We are so comfortable in that relationship we can joke about it being different or say to each other anything - because we know how the other feels about it.
I have seen Frank naked. He was very comfortable with himself, and our understandings, so that there where many times the house seemed like a locker room. It was that causal, and it was relaxed and it was never sexual. Frank felt no reason to hide anything, and I never felt as if he was 'flaunting it' in front of me or teasing me.

So, I begin to wonder ... why is this such a big deal to you?
I know you will never talk about it.
But one thing becomes clear to me - You have been asking me to do something you are not doing yourself.
I come back to the many stories that where told behind my back about how I was some kind of gay stalker that made you so uncomfortable, even in 'your own home' when you lived in my apartment.
Greg I have never seen you naked. I truly doubt that I ever will for any reason.
Even if I had or do - I have done as you asked of me and redefined everything so that we are friends and nothing more. I don't think of you that way any more. I probably didn't notice this 'morning wood' because I wasn't even looking. I was so much more concerned about having woke you, and needing to beg money from you.

So here is my suggestion ;
Take some time off from our friendship and think about this for a while.
It isn't fair of you to ask me to do or be something you are not willing to do or be yourself.
I've done it already. I'm not going to go back. I did as you asked of me.
Take your time, but for the sake of our friendship; don't come back until you can think of me as just a friend ...
Not the guy you hurt in the past.
Not the guy you think is attracted to you.
Not the guy you think hasn't let go.
But as the friend that has been there, and stayed around, and still wants to be your friend.

Hope it doesn't take to long, because I will miss you - my friend.
But don't come back until you have let go of my past ... my mistakes ... my history (just as you asked me to do for you).
Come back when we can truly just be friends ... living in the now ... and not bringing up the past.

Because the only other option, is to hold on to it and confront me with it all and work it all out honestly - which means I get to do it also.

Your Call.
"This is Kansas. Tragedy builds Character!"
Be a friend, not a hypocrite.
Hope to see you soon.

Bret

Any comments from anyone? Honestly - I want to know.

The fact that I continue to think about these things in my sleep bothers me a bit.
I should have made a second draft and put this part in :

You where doing it to be polite and considerate of my feelings - you said. ? what ?
To be kind and considerate of MY feelings (and to be polite as well) would have been not going out of your way to make feel as if I had just missed the opportunity of my life (and what an ego that gives you by the way).
I've seen many a man and woman naked before.

... I was so much more concerned about having woke you, and needing to beg money from you.
As these responses that I am talking about occurred while you where half asleep - and thus probably a more honest reaction then if you were drunk.

Well, I repaid the loan and said what I really wanted to. I have to work now on letting this go and just getting on with my life.
Tonight is Barb and Dave night with all the Sci-Fi premieres of SG-1, SG-A, and Battlestar Galactica.
Might try to see what all will be needed for the Tags and Tax situation.
Going over to Scott's on Saturday still. He may be on my couch by next week. My Room Mate was there as he and I were talking about it ... My Room Mate said he would be out by the end of the month, and would have the rest of the rent for me this weekend (because of his business - I'm sure he has plenty of cash on hand and could pay me right now if I made an issue of it ... and I just might ... depends on the tags and tax situation).
Sunday ... I just might really get the chance to go to the arcade and finally take this craving I have for sex and turn it into something truly disgusting and degrading ... hopefully making me not want to do it or crave it any more.

Going to be late for work if I don't stop typing.

==== 14:35

First I want to write about something that happened last night that was hysterical, that I didn't have the time to write about.

One of the other 'silly' things that I had done last night was waiting to eat. I went into this a little. I took a reading before we left for the walk -102. I've been telling myself that I'm not going to eat unless it's below 90 (this is a very loose rule and I've made it to help me lose weight with out doing something to make me have a hypoglycemic crash). Anyway - that walk should have probably burned up everything I had and then some. I was talking to Scott about it on the way to getting the food. Now that I was in a warm car, I wasn't shaking or sweating ... maybe I wasn't really low. I promised to take another reading just before we began to eat. It was only 84; I generally only have symptoms in the 70's and 70 is as low as I should ever let it get. Anyway's I was kind of shocked, put my kit away and we ate and watched the Movie.
When I put on my coat, I felt around the pockets ... no kit. I looked around. Couldn't find it. I had Scott start helping me look. I wasn't finding it, but I knew it had to be here. I put my coat on, checked the pockets again, decided I would find it when I came back from taking Scott home. Scott kept helping me look. We tried to remember the last place it was. I remember not actually putting it in my coat because I didn't want to dig around for the pocket (and they have zippers) but I knew I had set it somewhere where I could find it and put it in my pocket. I was looking all over the front room with my coat on, even looked in my room. Finally I decided, I really needed to get Scott home, and I would find it later. It wasn't as if I needed it now; Dr.'X' said I only had to test three times a day max.
Scott couldn't figure it out either. He had just seen it.
We got in the car, and as I drove out of the parking lot, I felt something on my neck as I leaned back. I reached back ...
"Found it!" I said.
"What the-?!? Where was it?" Scott said amazed.
"I obviously put it ON my coat so I could put it away later and then it must have fallen -"
"OhGod! It was in your hood?" Scott said trying not to laugh. I bust up and we both laughed for awhile.
Yeah, it feel into my hood and it was with me the whole time I was looking around for it.

This morning, I took that hood off so I couldn't pull that stupid trick again.

Now for the ?Message from God?
As I was coming home, I pulled into our parking lot and found a car parked / waiting in the middle of the road. I sat there waiting for him to move. His reverse lights came on - I was a good pace back because I really didn't know where this guy was going. Turns out, he was going straight back . Damn it being a new car, I was suddenly looking around for the horn because he showed no sign of slowing down. I finally honked!
He stopped, as he made contact with my car. why me?
I turned off my car and got out to see if it was damaged at all. An old man got out of the small white "American Red Cross" car. And here is where my jaw about hit the ground - he had the balls to say to me,
"Well, jeez man - why didn't you honk?"
"Sir, I did. But YOU are supposed to be LOOKING behind you when you back up!" I replied.
"I know, but still - " He began and I just couldn't believe it. I cut him off as I noticed there was no damage to either of the cars (not even some rubbed paint or a scratch).
"Look, there is no damage here. If you agree, I will just go around you to get to my parking space and get the Hell out of your way." Under my breath as I got in the car I added, "Dangerous Mother #*$)@"

So, do you think God is trying to tell me that I am not supposed to be on the road? or that I am not supposed to have car?

I'm not going to make it to motor vehicles today. I'll just aim for Monday. Hopefully by then I will have signed the title of my old car over to the guy that is going to buy it. Then I won't have to answer any questions like "But do you still own the vehicle?"

All I get is Junk E-mail.
I don't think I've heard from a real person in weeks. Ray had sent me a link.
I get somewhere between 45 to 60 e-mails a day ... and I get something from someone that I know maybe 2 times a week (like a link to some article or a funny picture or a forward joke) and maybe something personal Once a month ... maybe.
I haven't gotten a question from a reader since I got this computer.

It just makes me wonder at times.

===== 22:00

"Try not to take Life to seriously
Nobody makes it out alive."

"Feel the Fear
and do it anyway"

That billboard on 17th sometimes really has some good phrases on it.

Scott and I had a great afternoon. Watched Movies, made Mac'n'Cheese - Hot Dogs - and chip dip.

I'm really tired, but I made some obligations on line later tonight, so I have been playing solitaire to suck up time.

"I could be really mad about what happened to me, but it hard when there is so much beauty in the world. Some times I feel like it's to much. My life is filled up like a balloon and it's going to burst. Then I remember to relax ... and it flows through me, and I can't feel anything but happy for every moment of my stupid little life." - Lester, American Beauty.

Is it any wonder ... that I feel the need sometimes to turn something so beautiful ... something that I really want in my life ... into something less appealing, or ugly.
It's to cold and I need the little money I have - so I'm not going to the arcade.
I'm sitting here playing solitaire while My Room Mate left 'American Beauty' running. I'm trying to kill some time before they do the 'Battlestar Galactica' marathon on Sci-Fi. I want to catch up on the stuff I missed because I really think I can really get into this show.

Wondering if Greg has to work, or if he's pissed about the letter and won't come by - or if a miracle will happen and he comes by to talk about it.
Wondering if Scott will come by because he's board at his apartment and wants to hang out and watch TV.
Wondering if I will left alone today ... locked in my room watching 'Battlestar Galactica' ... and hoping the show challenges me enough to not think about how alone I really am.
"It's just it's...lonely. Between me and everybody else there's all this space all the time and it gets bigger and bigger and...I'm on one side, you know...and, I'm screaming and the one person I think I'm holding is afraid of it, too."
Thing is ... I don't know if there is anyone there holding me ... I think I'm screaming for that one person to hold me, and everyone else is on the other side ... afraid to hold me.

===== 18:30

Or, I could ask for the rest of the Rent from My Room Mate and then kick myself out of the house since his daughter is here and using the TV and I can't watch what I would like to on my VCR or TV.
I was shaking and I couldn't use the kitchen (friggin' baby gate gets put up and holds the refrigerator shut, plus two cabinets. I just took the rent money and left. I went to the mall and ate, then watched "Ocean's Twelve". I ran into Barb and Dave leaving "Phantom of the Opera" they said it was fantastic (Ocean's was really good also).

I'm home, but I'm getting ready to leave. I think it's time to visit the arcade and then come home and cry myself to sleep.
I'm going to deposit some of this money so that my Car Payment will be guaranteed.
Hopefully I'll get some of my med's money back this week. I can then consider the Tags and Tax thing.

God I was bad at the movies - do I want to know how bad? Yeah, we can add that to the degradation of the arcade.
Daily Glucose Readings

staring in the face of condemnation
laughter fills the sky instead of rain
live my life alone in resignation
arms outstretched for those who cannot see
scarecrow
crucified and left in isolation
pictures of our lost morality
scarecrow
eyeless stares invite this whole damnation
rotting corpse of inhumanity
scarecrow
<back ground chorus "They live without Hope">

"Scarecrow" by MINISTRY

I hate it when I end up lashing out against the people I like having around me.

Scott (8:49:59 PM): hey did you come over???
<Me> (8:50:16 PM): Sorry - no ... but I was out
Scott (8:50:20 PM): <scratching chin e-mote>
Scott (8:50:23 PM): weird...
<Me> (8:50:27 PM): someone at the door?
Scott (8:50:40 PM): ya, couple of hours ago, i was poopin so i couldn't get to the door in time
Scott (8:50:43 PM): lol
<Me> (8:50:49 PM): hmmm
Scott (8:50:57 PM): http://terraserver-usa.com
<Me> (8:50:59 PM): not me - sorry
<Me> (8:51:07 PM): staring in the face of condemnation laughter fills the sky instead of rain live my life alone in resignation arms outstretched for those who cannot see scarecrow crucified and left in isolation pictures of our lost morality scarecrow eyeless stares invite this whole damnation rotting corpse of inhumanity scarecrow
Scott (8:51:10 PM): check that shit out... friggin awesome shit right there
<Me> (8:51:22 PM): oops sorry - that is what i was working ont
Scott (8:51:31 PM): oooo i like it
<Me> (8:51:59 PM): Ministry - you heard it in the car
Scott (8:52:03 PM): woah
Scott (8:52:09 PM): ministry has good lyrics
Scott (8:52:16 PM): /downloads a bunch of ministry\
Scott (8:52:17 PM): lol
<Me> (8:52:31 PM): Ministry has some of the best ....
<Me> (8:52:41 PM): I was just thinking a lot about that song
<Me> (8:53:04 PM): and all the people that have been crucified or where scarecrows
Scott (8:53:15 PM): oooo creepy
Scott (8:53:18 PM): this is very true
<Me> (8:53:28 PM): Mathew Shepard to the Wizard of Oz
<Me> (8:53:34 PM): been a weird day for me
Scott (8:53:41 PM): been a quiet day for me
<Me> (8:53:49 PM): good ... I guess
Scott (8:53:53 PM): been searching for flight simulator stuff all day
Scott (8:54:04 PM): contemplating flipping a coin to see if i want to be a pilot or not
<Me> (8:54:21 PM): so ... what is so cool about these maps?
<Me> (8:54:34 PM): and do you want to talk to my dad about being a pilot for you
Scott (8:54:42 PM): he's a pilot???
<Me> (8:55:00 PM): he was until about 6 years ago
<Me> (8:55:08 PM): that was when he started at the state
<Me> (8:55:19 PM): he got to "old" to fly <honestly, it sucks when your age should count as experience, but is looked upon as a disability ... my dad was kind of screwed out of the only thing he really enjoyed>
Scott (8:55:24 PM): dang
Scott (8:55:30 PM): i wanna fly commerical airlines
Scott (8:55:31 PM): but i can't
<Me> (8:55:35 PM): felony
Scott (8:55:35 PM): because of my felony
Scott (8:55:36 PM): ya
Scott (8:55:38 PM):
Scott (8:55:40 PM): but...
Scott (8:55:43 PM): i could start up a charter service
<Me> (8:56:05 PM): HARD - that is what my dad failed at ... but that was also HERE
<Me> (8:56:14 PM): pick a bigger city
Scott (8:56:16 PM): oh he tried to do that?
<Me> (8:56:23 PM): Areo America
<Me> (8:56:30 PM): ran out of Billard
Scott (8:56:33 PM): damn...
Scott (8:56:37 PM): that's crazy i didn't know that
<Me> (8:56:39 PM): I still have a box of pens
Scott (8:56:43 PM): hehe
Scott (8:56:52 PM): i might have to sit down and have a chit chat with him about it someday
<Me> (8:56:59 PM): that was maybe 20 some years ago
Scott (8:57:06 PM): maybe business would be better now?
<Me> (8:57:10 PM): I'd be glad to arange it.
Scott (8:57:15 PM): lots more people in topeka now a days
<Me> (8:57:36 PM): I'm sure he has some insight into it - I wouldn't know.
Scott (8:57:47 PM): maybe after i get settled in there
<Me> (8:57:48 PM): what is bbl? <it was in his away message>
Scott (8:57:50 PM): i've only met him once
Scott (8:57:54 PM): bbl = be back later
Scott (8:57:58 PM): bbiab = be back in a bit
<Me> (8:58:04 PM): got it
Scott (8:58:06 PM): gtgp = got to go pee
<Me> (8:58:16 PM): went and saw Ocean's Twelve
Scott (8:58:23 PM): bbiaf is used sometimes... it's be back in a few
Scott (8:58:28 PM): ya good movie
<Me> (8:58:29 PM): then I stopped at the arcade
Scott (8:58:30 PM): lol
Scott (8:58:32 PM): love that movie
Scott (8:58:35 PM): what???
Scott (8:58:35 PM):
Scott (8:58:38 PM): /smacks you\
Scott (8:58:40 PM): bad bret
Scott (8:58:41 PM): lol
<Me> (8:58:42 PM): why?
Scott (8:58:44 PM): iono
Scott (8:59:00 PM): sometimes you talk like its bad, others you don't
Scott (8:59:11 PM): so i figured 50/50 shot at getting the right one
<Me> (8:59:11 PM): I have to turn sex and love into something terrible since I will never get it
<Me> (8:59:23 PM): I have to stop wanting it
Scott (8:59:30 PM): no, just stop looking
Scott (8:59:43 PM): metaphorically carve your eyeballs out
<Me> (8:59:50 PM): if sitting in a room that smells of shit and piss and sucking some really old man's dick does it then ...
<Me> (9:00:15 PM): i DID stop looking
Scott (9:00:19 PM): well... "you gotta do what you gotta do" i guess would be appropriate but very very wrong to say
<Me> (9:00:28 PM): got tired of having my heart ripped out.
Scott (9:00:38 PM): ya...
Scott (9:00:42 PM): i understand the feeling
Scott (9:00:47 PM): but not as much i think
<Me> (9:00:52 PM): I don't think you do
<Me> (9:01:09 PM): Look ... I love you buddy - but I have a porno tape to watch
<Me> (9:01:12 PM): a bath to take
Scott (9:01:14 PM):
<Me> (9:01:18 PM): and some sleep to get before work
Scott (9:01:19 PM): and it's already 9pm!
Scott (9:01:24 PM): aight duder <hug icon>
Scott (9:01:36 PM): have fun and be safe
<Me> (9:01:43 PM): no choice in the matter
Scott (9:01:46 PM): remember, if it gets in your eye
<Me> (9:01:48 PM): i will
Scott (9:01:52 PM): cold water
Scott (9:01:53 PM): fast
Scott (9:01:54 PM): lol
<Me> (9:02:05 PM): oh god
Scott (9:02:08 PM): ROFL!!!
<Me> (9:02:11 PM): gnight
Scott (9:02:14 PM): nite
<Me> (9:02:15 PM): <hug icon>
Scott (9:02:15 PM): hehehe
Scott (9:02:17 PM): <hug icon>
Scott (9:02:19 PM): HEY
Scott (9:02:22 PM): don't cop no feels
Scott (9:02:23 PM): punk
Scott (9:02:24 PM): lol
<Me> (9:02:40 PM): <sad face with breaking heart >
Scott (9:02:47 PM): lol
Scott (9:02:49 PM): nite mang

by the way - I drove by Greg's work, and he was. Wouldn't have been by anyway.

From : Shawn M To : Bret Subject : Comments Journals January15-05

There is no one out here reading this drivel ...especially when all some have to do I send a link and they rate a picture and others call regularly, even solicit advice and don't get so much as a mention.

The Ex-Strikes Back. Jealous much?
I'm hoping to read as much sarcasm into this letter as I put into that line above.
And Shawn - You have been mentioned, but most of the time we are talking about what I would consider personal matters of your life ; and this journal is not meant to highlight someone else's life (not that I haven't vaguely mentioned a lot of it <link link link>)
I was thinking about him last night when I saw Barb and Dave coming out of 'Phantom of the Opera' and raving about it like he did. I was just wondering what he was doing and ... there was this.

I have to go to work now.

==== 19:00

Work was tough, I was there 2 hours late and had to lecture a vendor that thought he was going around procedure (again) thinking I wasn't there.

I came home and had a big lunch. I over did. I'm not completely out of range, but I probably shouldn't eat. I did some more exercise and I'm going to have a very small dinner.
I just talked to Scott on the Phone. He's board, he may come by.

*sigh* I never learn ... I started hunting for the links to Shawn's reply up there. I think I went to far back.
Relived the months of joy I had with MFIJ.
Just one more stick to add to the fire of my burning degradation.

I don't know where to begin.

Anyone remember Kaid? He called me today out of the blue. He was visiting his friends in town again, just wanted to say hi. Told me he was married now with a daughter just over a year old. Kattydid is her nickname.
As I said before, I was reading the months I had with MFIJ. It brought back all the memories of just how good it all really was. He never really did lie to me - just chickened out and with held something a little vital for to long.
I began to think, I should send him a Valentine to say Thank You - because I'm not sure that I ever did thank him for all those good times. I figure I should send it early, and not actually call it a Valentine so he doesn't think I still hold on to the wrong idea.
Work was an interesting dog today. It was just ... weird. Not really busy - but pretty busy. I ended up staying late, but still getting out in time for my Dental appointment. And there was this little hang over from yesterday, that I didn't truly understand until today. The Floral manager handed in all her paperwork (early for a change) with this note attached to it.

Bret,       Thank You for all of your help & patients On my paper work. I would have never gotten the jist of things without your understanding!             Thanks Again                <Name> Stay Well!

It was nice to know she appreciate all the help I gave her. It made much more sense after I found out she had moved to another store and I was introduced to the new Floral Manager.
All my HIV+ hairs stood up with the ending thought (or wish) that I 'Stay Well' as if she might not get the chance to see me again ... healthy. Why not 'Nice working with you' or the more standard 'Take Care' or even 'Until Next Time'. I don't know ... something about 'Stay Well' just didn't sit right.

*Sigh* I guess I'll watch movies and then go to bed.
I returned the porno I rent and paid the late charge. My Anti-depressant is obviously working again - two hours of quality porn and not even a hint of a hard on.
Nothing to really write about with my Dentist. I have a lot of 'soon to be cavities' that he going to take care of now so that surgery and major dental work doesn't have to become an option.
Concerns about me and surgery really seem to be an option. So many things to watch for - HIV immune system problems, Low platelets healing problems, Diabetes and circulation problems ... *sigh*

Scott can hardly wait to move in. Kind of looking forward to having a friend around again.

And the net comes to Greg's rescue. The consensus of three e-mails is that I was over reacting a little, and that people write (it would just seem that I have to complain about not getting anything then people send me something). Here are the two with the most relevance.
First, a long time reader sent this -

From : *Reader* To : Bret Subject : Comments Month 05

Hey Bret,

Long time no “talk” to.  I've been kind of busy with kids, job and business.  I've been following the journal and your exploits :0)  Here's my two cents: 

Yes, it's probably a good thing to get a new roommate, or have none at all.  I don't think your current roommate is compatible with where you're at in life right now.  Did you know he was a pot smoker and dealer when he moved in? 

Are you overreacting with the Greg situation?  It seems to me that his comment could have been made regardless if who you were.  In other words, would he have made the comment to Scott or even a female friend that happened to wake him up.   I think he might have, but you might disagree.  You certainly know him better than I do.  Also, did you make the comment “ No hug tonight. I will do or say something very inappropriate." before or after the wood comment?  If it was before, then why is it alright for you to say something like that, but not for him to make the comment he made? 

I find it weird defending Greg, but the guy seems to be a real good friend and I hate to see him get dumped on for no reason. 

***

Diabetes runs rampant in my family on both sides.  I guess I'm lucky (knock on wood) that I've managed to keep my weight manageable.  I think you're doing a great job with yours.  It's ironic really.  You have HIV and you're meticulous with your medication, diet and medical documentation.  Whereas, us “healthy” folks –me included—can't pass a McDonalds or even make time to get a check up. 

They say you learn something new everyday.  Reading your journal teaches me something every time I read a new entry.  So, when you drop lines like:

“All I get is Junk E-mail.
I don't think I've heard from a real person in weeks. Ray had sent me a link.
I get somewhere between 45 to 60 e-mails a day ... and I get something from someone that I know maybe 2 times a week (like a link to some article or a funny picture or a forward joke) and maybe something personal Once a month ... maybe.
I haven't gotten a question from a reader since I got this computer.

It just makes me wonder at times”

Don't get discouraged.  We're mostly wallflowers.  But we're still here--just in the corner checking the action out from a distance.  Ready to jump in with both feet when we feel the need arises!!! ;0)

Talk to you soon,

*Reader*

My Reply was this;

Hey *Reader*

It is really good to hear from you again. I'm glad to hear that you are doing well and keeping busy.

"Did you know he was a pot smoker and dealer when he moved in?"
Smoker, YES - we talked about it quite a bit before he moved in. He assured me that he wouldn't ever bring it in the apartment - and I assured him that if I ever saw it, I would turn it in to the police.
He caught me on the loop-hole of never seeing it. I smell it all the time. I know he has it in the apartment - but I haven't seen it, nor could I prove it had I wanted to call the police.
Dealer, NO - That is something that I am pretty sure started while he was living here. Long story short because it is full of speculation and again no actual proof - A dealer had lived upstairs in this complex. They were good friends. When he moved out, I think My Room Mate inherit or took over the business gap left behind.
Once again, I have no proof. I still haven't seen anything in the apartment - even though I know it is here (and part of that is because I upheld my word and religiously respect his 'privacy' and have not been in his room (which has a closed door 100% of the time) - I couldn't even tell you what kind of furniture he has in there or how it's arranged).

Oddly enough, when Frank was over here not to long ago, he apologized to me for setting me up with this Room Mate. I told him he had no reason to apologize, between his support and Greg's objections - I made a choice. And in all fairness to My Room Mate, for about 6 to 8 months he was a great Room Mate. But the more 'comfortable' he became around here, the more he let slip, the more sloppy he became, and the more advantage he took of me. I let it go for a while, but his time has come to go. I could probably work out many of the problems if I wanted to - but ... I don't.
Biggest reasons for him to move: 1) I'm tired of the ever present smell of marijuana. 2) I personally feel that dealing is worse then using and I can't tolerate it - besides my proof of this is hear-say (I know or know of many of his 'customers') but this would also mean he is getting sloppy about dealing ... that is when he will get caught, and I do NOT want to be around or involved in any way when that happens. 3) I've come to respect him less and less as a person as his personality, traits and ideas have come to the forefront. I just don't want to live with someone that has that little a regard for anyone's life but his own.

"I find it weird defending Greg, but the guy seems to be a real good friend and I hate to see him get dumped on for no reason."
YOU defending Greg is kind of strange. This lets me know a few things though.
A) I really did over react.
B) Greg really has grown as a human being, a person and a friend.
C) I'm getting better about writing the good things that have always been going on and not focusing on the bad.

To answer your question though; Did I make the comment “No hug tonight. I will do or say something very inappropriate." before or after the wood comment?
AFTER, it was in fact my own comment about that situation. What I had the urge to do was less then blatantly feel him up then ask if it was that early in the morning. I doubt I would have actually done it - something much more subtle may have come out instead - but in all I thought it better to not even give myself the opportunity to fuck up that badly.

And who in the world says I can pass up a McDonalds? Actually, I don't know if you have Long John Silvers where you are, but they are worse then MickyD's for grease - but God they are good! I don't pass it up, I just write it down and let the Doctor's know what they are dealing with.

And WallFlowers aside, I would like to think that I am approachable enough for people to write me or express an opinion. There are times I would really like some feed back to the site in general just to know if I am doing well or providing what people need to have. However, it would seem that if I complain loud enough, I get it
Thanks for writing me and letting me know what you think.

***

Signed;
Your friend in the Net - MiSfI+
Bret

And there is this

From : Shawn To : Bret Subject : Comments January17-05

Bret, Yes, that was meant to be sarcastic.  I didn't imagine you would see my comments as anything else.  I don't expect to see our conversations in your journal, as you are correct in stating most of what we talk about pertains to me.  To be clearer, yes there are people reading your journal and yes there are people who care about you