0409.01

Well, I was able to keep MFIJ's character alive until about 10:45. Then I was ready to die also. Way to late for me. I think he will be pleased with everything he was able to accomplish before he died - and I think he would like the way he died also. If the rest of the party is alive next week (and things where looking grim as I left) then he can insert another character - or start the new game with them.

Inventory went pretty well this morning.

Now I'm just waiting on money. Getting ready to go through the bills and make some calculations.
I've already called TAP about the money they are supposed to be sending. If it's ready I'll go and get it.

Right now I have a nickle to my name; no gas, two months of bills, no food, no drinks, meds on order that I will need in about two days, and a vacation in 12 days.

If I get the rent money from My Room Mate, I plan to pay cable and get gas and hopefully have enough left to take MFIJ and I to see a movie and get a burger (after I put enough in the bank to cover that pizza check). Just because I feel like I deserve it, and I want to be able to spend the time with him and treat him a little.

That's the plan.
We'll see what actually happens.

==========

I slept most of the afternoon with nightmares.
Frank called and woke me from those. Talked to him for a little bit.
Slept so I wouldn't eat, or try to go anywhere.
Room Mate came home late (around 8pm). He did have rent - but we had to debate over the amount owed.
I called MFIJ to tell him about his character and why we couldn't go out tonight. He couldn't talk long, and couldn't have gone out anyway - he got himself grounded again. He did go to a Dr. about his cough. He has broncitis and got some anti-biotics.
I now have a full tank of gas.

The good news is, I'm not quite as far behind as I thought.
In fact, I only have about $700 to go to pay off the car completely (about another 3 payments). Done early.

Can't sleep now.
It's 11pm. I've been laying in bed for over an hour. I just took a melatonin and I'm going to go back to bed.
Wanted to write this down before I forgot it all.

thoughts in my head as I try to sleep;
The amount of respect you show to anothers feelings can't exceed what you give yourself.
The reasons I have for wanting My Room Mate to move out all seem pety. He could, and probably will, argue them all into the dirt; but it won't change the fact that my feelings want him to move.
Most compeling arguement so far; he knows he is better then I am, why does he rely on me? He should move on to what he knows is going to be better.
My pillow seems hard.
I feel lonely.
I want commitment. I have been ready for it now for more then 11 years. I don't want to force it from anyone - so I make them from my end and just hope they will be ballanced.
My security isn't under my control. I should give it up.
In the amount of time it might take MFIJ to make the kinds of commitments or attachements I want; I'll be dead or have nothing to offer as I grow sick.
Enjoy the time you have.
Why can't I sleep?
I'm going to end up in Denver flat Broke and wondering how I'm going to make my life balance out before my next vacation.
Hope is necessary, but is nothing more then a vice around my heart.
It's why I feel lonely and love the people willing to give me hope instead of commitments and security.
I have no control over them.
I have no control over me.
I should give up on the need for security.
I should be asleep - I have a long day tomorrow.

0409.02

My 'moron' wasn't scheduled with me today. I was all ready to go in and try to keep him calm during a busy day (again), and then he wasn't there. For a moment I was worried, how am I going to do it all, it has been nice to have help. So, I just dug in and went to it.
I was worried because I have been watching him make such a big deal out of it. I easily got everything done and even sorted out more of the Inventory problems.
It was nice to know I still have it. - I still want my Vacation though.

I received an interesting e-mail this morning. I checked it out and respond.

DaveyBoy wrote:

>Please add my HIV/AIDS blog

> http://hiv-aids.blog-city.com My POZ Bloggings

> http://www.hivforum.com/blogs/ More POZ Bloggers

I would love to.
I have only briefly looked over your blog (a term I'm still not one hundred percent sure of it's meaning) and found them very interesting.
I think you are right though - paranoia will get you in the end and if you life in fear of the maybe, you will not get anything done that you want (like live your life). The only other comment you made that caught my eye in that regard is " ... but why risk it is my theory ..." and the only reason that statement hit home for me is that three times now it has been used as a reason not to date or get close - they know how to protect themselves, but figured 'Why risk it?' and passed me over.
If we hold the same attitudes, we can't get them to change theirs.

Secret Identity - I'm only half way there with you on that one.
I love Super Hero's so the idea of having one has always intrigued me.
I understand the need for privacy and even the worry of identity theft -
but even in the comic books, the secret always did more harm then good. More of us need to take our masks off and show people that we are not 'scary' or threatening in order to reduce and hopefully eliminate the stigma of HIV that cause all the other problems you describe.

Anyway - there is my two cents ;)
The other reason I replied was to ask if you had a particular place on my site you would like the links to appear?
I could put it in with the HIVe, with the links to other HIV sites and commentary, mention it in my journals, or even put them on the Index page.

Keep up the good work.
Bret
MiSfI+

Off to pay bills.
Not going to have enough left over to take MFIJ and I to a movie, but everything will be in stasis. Depending on the size of my paycheck (and I should have some overtime on it because of my 'moron') I might even get a few other things taken care of before I leave on vacation.
I very well may be broke by the time I get there, but things will be looking up by the end of the year.

=====

MFIJ is still 'grounded', even from phone calls. I already miss him. Asked him to keep the 11th open for lunch with Mom and I to kind of see me off on Vacation. I'm planning to get some cards before I leave, and cameras, and send him something everyday that I am gone.
Hopeless ... romantic ... no control.

Ray and I went out to dinner. We had a good talk.

staring at the screen .... not sure if I should relate the dreams and discussions rolling around in my mind.

I'm sitting on Burnets Mound and looking over the city. I feel small, but somehow content, and lonely.
MFIJ is suddenly there. He asks me what is wrong, and I say that I feel lonely. He sits down behind me and pulls me back into his chest and puts his arms around me and asks me why I feel lonely. I smile feeling even more content and happy in this very moment. I kiss his arm and try to decide if I'm going to say anything at all because I don't know how to say it without sounding down, demanding, or ungracious.

This was what began the discussion in my mind about "I want commitment. I have been ready for it now for more then 11 years. I don't want to force it from anyone - so I make them from my end and just hope they will be balanced." and "In the amount of time it might take MFIJ to make the kinds of commitments or attachments I want; I'll be dead or have nothing to offer as I grow sick." and that I should just enjoy the time I have. Also, "Hope is necessary, but is nothing more then a vice around my heart.
It's why I feel lonely and love the people willing to give me hope instead of commitments and security." (just look at Devin, Greg, on and on ... and on ...

===========

When Frank called the other day, he was basically just bored and wanted someone to talk to. I was more then willing to talk. At one point he jokingly said,
"How about if I come over there and jump up and down on your bed?" to which I replied,
"Only if you are naked, and there is no sheet between us."
"Awh no, that is not part of the deal." He said, then continued, "What if I come over really drunk and come in to talk to you?"
"That's cool, we've done that often enough." I replied. "Besides, if you are really drunk I might just take advantage of you."
"No you wouldn't." He said.
"Why not?" I asked him.
"You never did before - you just aren't that kind of person." He said.
"You are single now, and I have been getting more desperate in my old age." I replied. Frank changed the subject quickly and asked me about the dates of the Renaissance Festival.

===========

I never did relate the truly sad and egotistical 'dream' I had about MFIJ.
I dreamed that he had fallen back in with all the wrong kinds of people, and he had a business deal go 'wrong' and I happened to be with him when they came to make things 'right'. It was a hell of a fight, but in the end we were out numbered, out gunned, and my confusion and innocents lead to my need to be protected - a disadvantage to MFIJ in a fight.
Tied up in a basement, both of us quite beaten, I was calculating the odds and plans of escape. MFIJ was angry and sad that I had been drawn into this - something he never wanted to happen to me.
He then began to realize how 'fucked' we were, the kind of people we were dealing with, our being tied up and trapped. We were going to be killed. He began to tell me how much he loved me and how sorry he was and how he wished he had made different decisions. I told him to stop focusing on his death, and start focusing on how to survive and keep on living.
He wanted to kiss me, but my face was beaten and bloody - and I did not want to expose him to HIV. He said he didn't care. I did. I wouldn't let him kiss me. He figured he was going to die, HIV was going to be the least of his problems, he wanted the kiss. I held firm to my stand.
I then had my ropes lose enough to get out and had a plan. I made him promise that whatever happened next, he would get out - escape - go to the police; take the consequences for his actions and begin to actually LIVE his life. I think he promised just to make me happy.
Four men came down the stairs then. I knew there was still one up stairs. I knew they had come down for MFIJ. As one of them untied MFIJ, the 'leader/2nd in command' talked smack about how he was going to make him suffer and what his boss was going to do to him. One held a gun to my face as incentive to keep MFIJ in line. The last one hung back in a corner and watched us both.
I gave MFIJ a knowing look and said,
"Remember your promise."
I stood from my chair, hands now free. I took the gun at my face and twist it in his hand as Marc had taught me years ago, breaking his finger, and kicking him in the nuts. I then point the gun to the man that untied MFIJ and shot him. I then took the gun off the mans broken finger and kneed him in the face as I turned and shot the man that was hanging back in the corner. He already had his gun drawn, and we fired at the same time. We shot each other in the face.
Like a movie scene, the camera followed a drop of blood from my head, as it head for MFIJ and hit him the eye. - he now had HIV, and I was dead.
With blood stained tears, he picked up the gun of the man that had untied him, and he shot the man with the broken finger. He then turned and saw the last man coming down the stairs and shot him.
He left the house - called the police and admit to everything.
Self-def fence was taken into consideration. He came clean about all of his involvement which lead to a few more arrests and he spent his time in jail cleaning up his addictions and getting some education and job skills. He was not surprised of his HIV+ diagnosis in jail, and began to talk to a therapist about it, and eventually to others. He never hid his status, and continued to talk to others about HIV, addiction and mental illnesses after he got out of jail.

>How arrogant of me to think that I would mean enough to him to be the 'bottom' that makes him turn his whole life around.
>How sad is it that the only way I figure I could live on in him is as the virus, or that he would 'honor' me by carrying on with things I had done.
>It all fits into my Martyr complex in which I would have to make the 'ultimate' sacrifice, to save us both.
>Makes me wonder if maybe one of the things that I really love about him is the idea that something like this might really happen.

I have been writing now for about 2 hours. I think it's time to proof read and post then go to bed.

0409.03

My Room Mate and his Girlfriend had a 'disagreement' last night. It concerns me.
Everything that I could say about it, I can't - because we 'forgot' about it like it never happened.

I know that money is bad, and my relationship with My Room Mate is bad since I've noticed that I am hiding food and drink in my room now. I have to fight for penny's right now, I have been buying food to last me specifically to certain dates, and some of them are med related (like breakfast food) - and I don't feel like leaving them in the kitchen were I they become 'up for grabs' and shared.
The fact that he does this isn't bad - it has been the policy around here from the beginning. If it is here, it can be eaten. My only problem with this rule is that anything he leaves around is something I would never eat. Things that I leave around he will. In essence, because of my own eating habits, I have to share my food, and he doesn't.
I don't like this, and it is another reason I will soon have to bring up the idea that he should move.

=====

Work was okay, except for one thing.
There is someone at work that I like talking to, and likes talking to me. She and I had traded stories of bad Doctors visits (she won by the way), and she has been bitching to her Doctor now for a while to believe her.
She was right.
She has breast cancer again.

She cried on my shoulder for awhile and told me what was going on and what she planned on doing. I disagree with part of it, but I understand why she is making the choice and I'll stand behind her on it.
She told me though that she likes talking to me because I can sympathize with it all because of my illness.
     I have no idea where she gets that idea from! I've never had to lose a part of body - let alone ... again. I've never had a treatment that left me sick and wishing to die for weeks on end. I've never had to deal with self-esteem issues of losing my hair or if I'm still going to be a 'Man' (or in her case - still a Woman after her other breast is removed). The only thing I can really sympathize with is dealing with stupid Doctors that don't seem to give a shit - not knowing what is really wrong - the fear that can come up and the difficultly that every decision can bring. - maybe that is enough. But it sure doesn't feel like it.

=====

And I really should get that shirt that says,
"I'm not a therapist, I just play one at home."

Came home to let Barb pee, and answered the phone. Someone that I work with called me - I was surprised. He had someone come back and tell him that a ex-partner had come back HIV+. He wanted to know about tests and what to do after he found out he was positive.
"One step at a time. Get the test first - plan your funeral much later."

Went out to dinner. The guy that was back in town ... in the past I think I have referred to him as a bad luck charm. Through no fault of his own, he always just seems to be around when I am having the worst day. The first time being that Christmas years ago with Devin at the Bar. Anyway, he let me know he had a friend that had just been diagnosed and wanted to know if it would be okay to give him my web address and e-mail. I gave him my phone number and told him to give it all to the person. I would be happy to talk to them.

It's just kind of weird.
From Cancer to Pre-test counseling and Post test counseling for HIV in one day.

Hoping MFIJ is ungrounded by tomorrow. I haven't seen him since that half hour on Monday. Kind of miss him.

Time to sleep.

0409.04

Against my better judgment I asked MFIJ's step-father what was going on about the 'grounding'. It's a big issue. And it may not be over anytime soon. I am worried, mostly because he hasn't had to trust to explain or admit any of it to me. I am confused again - and it's from not knowing.
I have no control - I should give it up.

The only good thing to come from my asking was finding out he is out of town this weekend at his sisters. Guess I won't even get the chance to see him until Monday.
I think maybe it's letter time again. It may very well be the only way I get to talk to him at all for the next few weeks.
I'm thinking about doing him the favor of backing off even more and telling him that I sense, and understand, some of the reactions I have been getting from him; i.e.. He likes me, but not that way and doesn't want to hurt my feeling by saying so, and is just trying to back off himself. Seen it way to many times. Held on to hard with Devin and Greg - don't want to repeat the mistakes.

At least he didn't thrash me the way James did.
I have partly held up to my promise that James would be the last man to hurt me.

I had a very strange dream though.
Very real - also leaked into the real because I could hear and feel myself moving and talking in my sleep.
I was at a gay bar, in a run down city - ghetto like. The bar was actually above a restaurant. The restaurant was over run with gangsters (old style mob) that then took us all hostage. As Hostages, we where pretty much left alone but locked in the bar. We entertain ourselves, support each other, and even found ways out of the bar. Several of us (not all of us gay - many where elderly - made a home in a neighboring abandon building. We would go out and get supplies for the other hostages. It kind of reminded me of a "Hogan's Hero's" show, where we would be off on our own and show up for things like roll call to keep the others out of trouble. As hostages, we almost had a better life then the ones holding us hostage.
Everything was really going well, until one of the older women - like the kindest old black woman - fell and hurt her hip. We had to get her to a hospital and ease her pain. We tried going through the hostage holders, but they didn't care. So we took her out the back. The Gay patrons wouldn't help. It was just us in the 'family' that had escaped. However, trying to carry an elderly woman with a broken hip down fire escapes and such was not easy, and was not easing her pain. I remember her dieing.
Fed up, I went home.

At home I kept getting pissed of about something. I would then go for a walk. It didn't matter what the weather was like, I was barefoot and my shirt was open (frequently it was in slushy snow - and I knew that I would be worrying the others if they knew I had just gone out in this weather, let alone dressed the way I was). There where like 8 different blocks of apartments and/or neighborhoods. As many times as I tried to walk past them, or away from them, I ended up in them anyway.
I didn't care who's place it was, I just walked through the rooms and offices or business and tried every door and frequently looked through the things there.
It didn't matter how far away I was from the problem I was trying to separate myself from, I could still hear them talking about me. Most of the time it was My Room Mate. He said terrible things behind my back.
Worse, I wasn't really in control of myself. I couldn't really talk. I tried. I couldn't explain - the more I tried the more I even lost the ability to speak. I became more and more frustrated. I began to throw things around, mess up stacks of paper, tear up things and such when I couldn't talk. It pissed off My Room Mate, his Girlfriend was more understanding. It developed, and I began to truly understand, that I couldn't control myself because my medication was failing. I knew it, and I still couldn't stop myself or get the help I needed. I didn't want more med's or different med's, but I couldn't operate without them.

Somehow I finally broke out of the 8 blocks. I was in the country. Really rural neighborhood - small almost 'amish' towns, farms with miles between them, fields and forests.
My cousin from Texas was there. I found out he was now a bounty hunter. He had come to take me back. I didn't want to go, I was doing well here. Peaceful and content. And because of that, I didn't want to fight with him about it either. I let him put the handcuffs on me. They where tight around the wrists, but I was able to take them off any time I wanted to. It was upsetting to him. Every time he turned his back, I would just walk off in the woods or the fields. It was fun to escape. I remember diving off the side of the road into tall brown grass, and crawling on the ground and trying to keep the grass upright to hide me.
My cousin kept catching me though. I never fought him - it was kind of a game, for me. He finally hooked up with his partner, Will Smith, in a garage (like an old style mechanics garage). There I escaped again, and was trying to find a hiding place when they listen to a tape from someone else that sounded like me. It said that the next time they change the oil in the car they should check the oil pan. It seemed to imply that I was hiding in the oil container of the car and they began to look for tools to get into the car - I was watching all of this from the ceiling. Before they tore apart the car each of them spot me, and played the game long enough to see the expression on the others face before getting me down.
They had a giant hot rod car now. I was in the back seat. As it roared forward, I fell out of the back. They where having so much fun in the fast car, they decided to leave me. I dropped the handcuffs on the side of the road and began to walk to the nearest town.
It was a retirement village for the actors of Star Trek. Checkov agreed to give me a ride home.

woke up then.

escape, control - major themes. Many different levels of it.
I wonder though how close to reality that bit about the frustration of knowing you can't control yourself because of medications is maybe what MFIJ is going through.

Shawn called me today. I need to return his call.
I feel asleep though.
I'm up now for med's ... and I'm going to go back to bed now.
I'll see how long I sleep before someone 'activates the Bret' on Sunday.

0409.06

I called MFIJ today. He wasn't home yet. I left a message with his mother to call me. To at least let me know about going to the LAZER game tomorrow.

I think I may start the letter a day thing early. I'll include my end of it all here.
My idea of doing over it Vacation also applies. I also figure that since he still has my Laptop, and I know that Griffin thinks I spend to much time here and I should be taking a vacation from this as well, I'll compromise and send myself and e-mail a day from his computer. He can then see if I'm spending to much time writing.

No one activated the Bret on Sunday.
I activated myself about 1pm after med's.
     Med's is another interesting thing. I am now out of some of them. TAP never called me back about getting money to pay for the ones I needed right away - I called again today to see if it was still an option (Labor day - no one answered). My Pharmacy can't loan them to me until pay day (Thursday) and I still don't have the check from the last two months from TAP.
     I am out of Lexapro - my antidepressant. I took the last one Saturday night. I have nothing to stretch or replace it.
     I am out of Retayaz - one of the anti-retrovirals. I still had some of the 150 ml caps - so I took two of those leaving me 50 ml short of the doze I should have, but it's better then nothing.
     Tuesday I will be out of Dapzone - my prophylactic antibiotic. Hoping I can work something out by then. Vitamin C just won't cut it I would think.
Mother was able to give me $20 this week. I thought about going to a movie - but I didn't want to 'waste' the money.
I bought Spence his litter, and cleaned out his box.
I bought lunch for myself at Wendy's and rent 'Godsend'. It was good, and I'll be returning it in a moment.
Greg came over about 5ish. I drove him out to get some food. He left when I vote to watch 'Charmed' instead of putting in a movie.
About half way through 'Charmed' Frank called and asked if he could come over. I said yes. He pretty much just sat on the couch and wait for My Room Mate to come home. I went to bed.

The only other event of the day - Shawn M. had called me on Saturday. I feel asleep. I called him back on Sunday and left a message. He had said something in his message that he was going to give something - and that I would probably be proud of him. He called back and let me know what he was talking about.
I'm not sure if I'm proud of him. I do envy him though.
He's going to give his Kidney to his lover.
Still lots of tests to go, but things are looking good.

I envy him because he loves someone that much. I do that also, but in his case, that someone will let him love him that much.
His lover is HIV+. Shawn is still HIV-. They found each other and make it work. These kind of sacrifices are not common, but they are wonderful when they can happen.
Right now I can't even get my 'date' to talk to me - probably because he believes I would be upset or disappointed with anything he would tell me.

I can't figure out what it is about me that ALWAYS leaves me turned into a 'brother' or a 'father' or a 'mother' or a 'friend, best friend' and ALWAYS alone on the intimate level.

I think it's time to start writing MFIJ - by hand again. It is now officially, one full week since I have seen him.

If you have any comments or feedback - please tell me. misfit@misfitslife.com

0409.07

I sent the letter. I was done writting it about 6:30. I still hadn't heard from MFIJ, so I called again. He didn't get the message to call me. He was with his Mother, who I left the message with. He couldn't get together that day, and won't make it to the game tonight. He's still not used to working, he gets tired and said that most nights he just goes home and goes to sleep. I can sympathize.
I spent the rest of the night looking for poetic quotes and thoughts to guide my letters to come.
Mya Angelou to the rescue. I have pages of things from her. She is prolific and incrediable. I admire her style and ablity to express the sentimental without getting sappy. There were many quotes about Life and it's celebration that I may scatter about this site as well.

By the way - the letters I send will be/are here. They will appear in a few days - or maybe all at once when I get back from Vacation. I just think it only fair to give them some time to get to MFIJ and be his for a while before I post them.

Getting ready for work.
Had strange dreams again.
Despite watching SG-1 for hours and searching the net for poetry; I dreamed of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

We were tearing the faces off of deamons. Sometimes they appeared, sometimes we summon them; but we always slay them.

======

I seem to be a master juggler - not sure I like it. with everything in the air, it's only a matter of time before it all comes crashing down.

T.A.P. called me back and said they had been able to scrounge up the cash for my co-pays on the med's I have in the Pharmacy right now. I need milk for breakfast, so that I can take the med's. I really kind of need stamps so I can continue the letters I want to send to MFIJ.

Speaking of which, I mailed the letter. Then I called him. His mother didn't pass on the message to call me. We talked for a little bit since he was on her phone (it forward the call) and he was spending time with her at her job. He's not going to the Game tonight. He's to tired after his job.
Jeez - I already did this part this morning.

Back to juggleing then.
I have three med's waiting. The total for them was going to $101.37. T.A.P. gave me $101.00 in cash.
I went and got the two medications that I was out of (Lexapro, the antidepressant which I now have skipped twice because it wasn't here - and Dapsone, which would run out tomorrow). I left the Reytayaz there because I still have the other dosage, and I think I can tolerate being about 50ml low for a couple of days.
That now means I have some money. I got a gallon of milk and half book of stamps (I'm just trying to make it to payday on Thursday).
The thought of Ramen noodles and Peanut Butter and Jelly (again) for lunch did not appeal - so I stopped at Wendy's on the way home.
I am about to go and deposit the rest of the money in my (overdrawn) bank account to stop the late charges and fees. Then I should be able to coast until Thursday when I get paid.
I can then use my paycheck to get the other two medications (Danazol would have run out about half way through Vacation so I renewed that prescription while I was there). Finish balanceing the bank account - pay the speeding ticket (it would be really bad to get pulled over for anything and get arrested for an unpaid speeding ticket while I am on my Vacation). I should then also be able to get a car payment in the mail - more stamps and still have enough gas money to make it to Denver.

Okay.
I've been a great mood all day.
I am going to print off some stuff - check e-mail, snail mail, go to the bank and start writing the next letter before going to the game tonight and laying the seeds for the game I am to run when I come back from Vacation.

0409.08

Counting down the days to my Vacation.
Really enjoying this holiday week - haven't had to deal with my 'moron' and with the wierd delivery scheduals, all my days have evened out - nothing really busy, nothing really slow.

Mom drove my car for a little while today to determine if she could drive it with her knees. She can. But since it is driving well (she thought I was lieing to her about how well it was running) she will pay for an oil change and let me drive it to Denver (we were considering trading cars).

It's a good and happy day.
Greg should be coming over soon. Smallville reruns before the season opener.
Time to write a new letter

======
Greg had to work.
Forgot to mention going over to Scott's and doing a reading as spooky for him as mine was for MFIJ and I.

0409.09

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON!!

I broke my Sandel today. But I have been released back into the world with a clean bill of mental health.

When you can see the letter I sent, it will have everything else for this day. It's really late and I should be in bed.

0409.10

T.A.P. came through with the money. I now have the gas money I wanted, and the same amount in the bank for a return. Going to buy the cameras at work tomorrow.
It's really late, and I haven't even packed yet. That then bed.

If you have any comments or feedback - please tell me. misfit@misfitslife.com

0409.11

It's early. I'm tired. I'm going to work
Then it's all over for a while. I get to see MFIJ and I'm off to Denver!

I'll see you all in a week. I'll post everything I can as soon as I can.

*MFIJ* “When I am in your Company I not only learn about you I learn more about myself”            Maya Angelou I’m at a rest stop. The sun is making me squint, and as a result my eyes want to close, and I want to sleep. So I pulled over and thought I would start this letter. It was really great to see you. I really did want to spend more time with you. Since I couldn’t, I nejoy what time I had. If anything I learned my feelings for you are still strong and that In general, I’m comfortable around you. (1 I hope there is some more time together when I get back. If I seem pushy or pressuring in any way, please forgive me, and let me know. I tend to adopt a sence of urgency from the people around me. Everyone points to that HIV clock behind me and that Looming end at that they all expect. I try not to look at it, but the longer they stare at it … the more I wonder how much time is left. And always I am reminded of the one and only thing missing in my life. If your mom is reading this (2 one, I’m sorry. I don’t want her to think of me as some kind of stalker or someone thryng to pressure you into something you don’t want – but the facts remain, I know what I want, and you are currently unsure. So I will continue to let you know how I feel, and respect any boundry you set, and be content with what I have. Time to hit the road again. ==== “Daisys, Roses, Dayfodils … Vibrant rainbow petals Fall from the sky and Bury the molten copper circle In the quieting earth. My eyes open as I am (3 Wrapped in slik and velvet And eyes of Angels look down on me As I hunger to explore The night is where I truly belong The sun blinds men to the truth The dark hides nothing if you listen Spit any curse or name upon me I have the strength to bear your lies I am wake, and live in the night.”            Damon D’artagnon            Killgrave It started as a poem about the sunset, then about the night, and kind of became about strength of character and vampires. I just refuled in HAYES. I had pulled over and slept a little just after MANHATTAN. Now that the sun is down, I’m awake. I am a VAMPIRE. Live Wire & Doritos – I’m off again (4 Okay, this will be brief because I shouldn’t encourage it. But, its about 10pm, road horny has set in and I keep thinking about those tight red shorts you had on and remembering you asking me if I’ve ever make out in the stall of a rest stop. I’m at a rest stop … there is a lot of room in these … Okay, I’ve got to concentrate and move on. ===== Refuled on Gas, caffine and chips in Limon. Washed bugs off windshield – almost there Got to stay AWAKE (5 I’m here with a minimum of adventure. Officer Wyler was very understanding and helpful. Until Tomorrows Letter      DDK -- Bret

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I'm here. Safe and sound so no one worry.

0409.12

*MFIJ* A busy day and few pictures. I’ll probably shoot off the last 5 pics and send some with the next card. Disappointing; Melanie is out of Sate for two weeks with her new job. I don’t get to see her this time around. Amazing; EVAN walks and talks and plays and laughs … my God, when did he grow up so much? BOGGELING; Griffin couldn’t help but point out to me that you are the same age as ELRIC, someone that Griffin got to know in the (1 SCA (Society for Creative Anacronyms – the group that does the Renasaunce festivile year round) and kind of adopted as surrogate son … thus I was kind of a surrogate Uncle. I just don’t think of him as that old. I remember Griffin helping him with homework and reading problems. I remember helping him figure out how to talk to girls and going to his High School graduation. Granted Elric has a wife and kid now, but I still think of him as that kid I knew. I guess I can under- (2 stand now why parents have a hard time accepting there kids growing-up. I guess the other hard thing is for me to realize I am actually this old. Slept in today. It was nice. Ate at a Chinese place called P.F.Changs. I had garlic noodles with Chicken :D Yummy! Chris is becoming quite a good Magician and they introduced me to a Show called “Dead Like Me.” Very interesting and Hysterical. I’m off to sleep in my fluffy cloud room. (3

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Evan has grown so much! How does one go from that baby that was sucking on my finger to this energetic child with a thirst for having stories read to him (over and over).

Just finished some shopping for little things I forgot to bring (like shampoo) and breakfast snacks for my meds. I’m off to bed now.

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0409.13

Just woke up from a nightmare about work. I’m writing it down in the hopes that when I go back to bed it will be gone and not bring work to my Vacation again.
It was just a ridiculous dream about a vendor that came in and did everything wrong and then left, leaving a crew of people to pressure me into ‘just fixing it’. My Mother was there asking for a return and credit on a coupon. I’ve never checked, but everyone else was in the story was busy. I ended up having to deal with the pressure of getting myself some help to ring up this credit, even with all these people trying to get me to fix this invoice.
I woke up stopping all the screaming and yelling and in my half-awake state, I finished explaining all the rules to the crew and telling them to get out of the store because it was now 5 hours after my shift had ended and I had more then patient with them.

No more work dreams.
I’m going back to bed now.

*MFIJ* “Let us work toward a time when everything gives us joy.”           Maya Angelou It is so late and I’m so tired. But this labor of love I can accomplish. A picture can say a thousand words. Here are a few thousand Wish you where here, but at least I can see your smile now.                DDK (1 The back of each picture sent Read: 1) *MFIJ* and MOM what a great smile. 2) *MFIJ* and I      ”A FRIEND stands beside you      and UNDER YOU      and LIFTS YOU UP”                Maya Angelou 3) *MFIJ* and SPENCE 4) *MFIJ* and SPENCE getting tired of pictures 5) More of the same, but look at those big arms 6) SPENCE 9-10-04 7) SPENCE tilting the room … BIG CAT 8) *MFIJ* Just before I left 9) GRIFFIN still has this painting I did. ”Birth, LIFE, DEATH” 10) MY ROOM HAS Fluffy White Clouds in it J 11) THIS WAS SO I WOULD KNOW I HAD THE RIGHT HOUSE 12) P.F. Chang’s the restaurant we had lunch in 13) GRIFFIN Reading to EVAN - Best picture we snuck of GRIFFIN in Years 14) Chris – EVAN’s DAD the MAGICIAN 15) EVAN – and Rich a friend of GRIFFINS 16) EVAN at a MALL Playground 17) he loves the camera EVAN 9-12-04 18) The foot hills where GRIFFIN lives COOL CLOUDS TOO 19) GRIFFIN’S NEW CAR -funny looking isn’t it? - It’s called a Scion 20) GRIFFIN’S CAT ENDER from the book “ENDER’S GAME” 21) ENDER’S TOWER 22) ENDER 9-12-04 23) “MY” ROOM fluffy day clouds and a NIGHT bed 24) GRIFFIN’S Old CAR -the JEEP, not the BIKE - hint of the cute neighbor

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Cool day of not much.
Lunch at Red Robins. Watched “Resident Evil: Resurrection” (not bad, I liked it.)
Picked up the pictures, a travel alarm and some envelopes big enough for pictures.
Hung out with Chris and Evan and showed them the pictures.
Taco Bell for dinner with more of Niel Giamons “Neverwhere”.

Now it’s time to sleep.

0409.14

Slept in.
Tired, some headaches (still snotting yellow), thirsty.
Some of it is “altitude sickness”, some of it is me.
I’m getting along quite well.
Griffin had to go to a meeting at work, so I drove around in the Scion and got very lost.

‘Home’ now and doing nothing.

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*MFIJ*       Did you enjoy all the pictures? Not doing much, sitting back and chillin’ with X2 and working on an optical illusion I saw on TV just before I left. Griffin had to go to a meeting at his work today. I got to drive the SCION around and get completely lost. J I was still able to find my way back, but we are having a disagreement about the gas I put in it for him (he won’t let me pay for it). Anyway we are thinking about going up to (1 Red Feather Lake tomorrow and checking out the progress on the Stupa (a Buddhist reliquary / temple/ mausoleum for honored teachers). It’s the only one in the U.S.A. and is for the father of the man that taught me on the retreat I took up here a few years ago. It would be a day trip up into the mountains. It would make for some great pictures. If we don’t go tomorrow it would be Saturday. Thursday we both have appointments to have our cars looked at. Friday (2 We’ll probably get together with some of Griffins friends from work and be seeing the sequel to “Ghost in the Machine” a really good Japanese Anime film. I’m coming home on Sunday. Time has gone by way to fast. I may give you a call Tomorrow. Long distance is free on Griffins Cell. I believe you said you would have Wednesday and Thursday off. I figure even if I miss you, a message means a lot, and you cold call back long enough to tell me your home and I can call back to talk to you again. 1-phonenumber (3 “When I reflect on my family       and friends, I am lifted up in CELEBRATION.”             Maya Angelou I have your pictures up on the table next to my bed. I like waking up to your smile. “Dare to think broad, new Thoughts.”             Maya Angelou Sometimes I wish we could do more. I used to think that quote was for you … to help you overcome your fears of really excepting what you what (egotistically and optimistically that being me). But I do realize that I'm nearly none of the things that you find physically attractive. But we do have a worthwhile (4 mental connection. So in the mean time I continue to trust my heart, dare the heartache, and take to heart more poetry like; “Let choice whisper in your ear, and Love murmur in your heart, Be ready … Here comes LIFE.”             Maya Angelou “Have enough Courag to TRUST Love one more time. And AlWAYS one more time.”             Maya Angelou “I can be changed by what happens to me, But I REFUESE to be REDUCED by it.”             Maya Angelou “SURVIVING is Important THRIVING is Elegant.”             Maya Angelou You have made so much possible for me. I can only hope (5 I’ve done something for you. DDK

0409.15

Had a bloody nose, but I think it helped the sinus infection. Weird.
Slept in.
Went up to Red Rocks and took some pictures.
Griffin has a ‘no mountains’ rule right now – he’s just really tired of going up there. So he printed off the directions for me to go to Red Feather Lake and check out the Stupa.
Tomorrow is our day to get the cars all checked up.
Friday I’ll drive up to Red Feather Lake.
Saturday looks like we will try to see a movie (Hopefully the sequel to ‘Ghost in the Machine”.
Sunday I come home L

Getting ready to try and call MFIJ and then settle in with the TV for Smallville.

*MFIJ* I tried calling, but got the machine. I hope all is well. Watching Smallville now, writing during the commercials. Went up to Red Rocks for some pictures and souvenirs for you. I’ll be sending more pictures with this letter. These episodes are so good. Love this show. I called Mom today also. She had a very interesting story for me. Spence was still hiding and hissing at Mom. He also hadn’t been eating or using the litter box. Mom (1 stopped at the Vet and asked what she should do. The Vet recommended bringing him in for IV’s and forced foods. Mother knew that neither of us could afford that. So when she returned home she found him on the refrigerator, and he hissed at her. So she said, “Look! I am your grandmother and I want to take care of you but you have to help me out. Now I am going to clean up and two Angel Cats are going to talk to you. Their names are Doctor and Tease, and you had better listen to them.” Then she went and cleaned (2 up. When she came back he had eaten and used the litter box. He slept on the table next to her bed and let her pet him and he even purred. That was Monday. Everything has been fine since then. === I just got off the phone with you. It would seem you are desperately hanging on to the past behaviors that only got you in trouble. Ray tells me an addiction is defined as “Continued behavior in the face of continued adverse results.” You continue to do things which you KNOW will get you in trouble and you DO HAVE OPTIONS (3 It makes me wonder if you do this in order to not see me. Its normal to be afraid of the future and of new things – but your past has been destructive and as you hold on to it – you let it destroy your future and any chance of happiness you can ever have. LET GO … Let go of the past and BE the MAN YOU ARE NOW. “Your LIFE is much more important      than you could IMAGINE It is your FIRST TREASURE.”           Maya Angelou “I believe the most important SINGEL thing,      BEYOND discipline and creativity, Is daring to DARE.”           Maya Angelou (4 *notation in margin; song “They” by Jem* “The desire to reach for the stars,      is ambitious. The desire to reach hearts is wise.”           Maya Angelou “Life is a glorious banquet, a limitless and delicious buffet …”           Maya Angelou “Determine to life LIFE, with FLAIR and LAUGHTER.”           Maya Angelou “Live LIFE as if it were created JUST for YOU.”           Maya Angelou “This is YOUR LIFE. Its your ONE TIME as YOU … experience all the GOOD THINGS.”           Maya Angelou "They" by JEM Who made up all the rules We follow them like fools Believe them to be true Don't care to think them through And I'm sorry so sorry I'm sorry it's like this I'm sorry so sorry I'm sorry we do this And it's ironic too Coz what we tend to do Is act on what they say And then it is that way And I'm sorry so sorry I'm sorry it's like this I'm sorry so sorry I'm sorry we do this Who are they And where are they And how can they possibly know all this Who are they And where are they And how can they possibly know all this Do you see what I see Why do we live like this Is it because it's true that ignorance is bliss Who are they And where are they And how do they know all this And I'm sorry so sorry I'm sorry it's like this Do you see what I see Why do we live like this Is it because it's true that ignorance is bliss And who are they And where are they And how can they know all this And I'm sorry so sorry I'm sorry we do this I’m running out of quotes that express what I going through my head and heart now. I am no closer to you there, then I am here in Denver. (5 “In all the world there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world There is no love for you like mine.”           Maya Angelou Everyone is unique. Feelings are strong and unexplained things. I’ve just written the word “USED” across a dozen quotes. I am left with two thoughts as I go to sleep. I haven’t given up on you. It’s not in my nature to give up on anyone. But have you given up on yourself and thus me and everyone else? If so, there is nothing more I can say that makes any difference. (6 I’ll send the pictures next mailing after I have a chance to label them.

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I just got off the phone with MFIJ. He’s been in trouble again. He may have himself locked down so tight by the time I get back; I may as well still have him in jail.
I was half way through the letter I was writing when he called. It took a pretty drastic turn. I’m being left with a lot of doubts and some hard choices when I get back. I am also thinking that I am not any closer to him here in Denver then I was at home.
This damn smug paperclip has to go – couldn’t stand looking at that animated thing here in Word.
Just so you all know the process here now; once a day I make a word document. I write any journal thoughts I might have, then I transcribe the letter to MFIJ and send it to me in an e-mail every day. When I get home, it’ll be cut and past and I’m done.

And right now, I think I am done.

0409.16

*MFIJ* Really didn’t do much today. Took my car in for its repair. The engine light is finally off again. Delivered the letter from yesterday and now … at 4:30 I sit. I sit outside for some moving air, and a view of the tattooed nieghboor working on his condo. I’ve been dehydrating unexplainably. I’m on my 2nd 32 oz Gatorade now. I’ve also stopped at 5 water fountains, had a large Sprite, and a frosty. Those spots around my eyes are (1 worse and hurt some. Headache today (not real bad these last few days). I seem really hot but I’m not sweating … Its all kind of strange. Sorry if the last letter seemed harsh … but I meant it all, and it kind of pisses me off that you keep doing things that you know are bad and will escillate into something worse. At this time, I’ll actually be surprised if you call me tonight like you said. 1) because you still weren’t completely sober when you said it and may forget 2) because you (2 where preoccupied with the other people around you (especially the females) and 3) Somehow I am left thinking that I am expected to do all the work in this relationship. (I call you, I write you, I get you, I talk to you – you just wait and respond … and how sad for me that response is more then most people give me). My other realization here of late … I suck at love letters. (and yeah, that is what these are supposed to be). Still planning to go to Red Feather Lake tomorrow on my own. My only concern at this point is if (3 I can handle the drive, the altitude, and the exersize of going. The universe will tell me I guess. I just got my 3rd Gatorade. I’m running out of things to talk about. I’m going to make a copy of that optical illusion and lable the pictures to send. === The picture labels==== 1) In the distance … Is RED ROCK 2) The problem with taking Pictures from the car … your intended shot is gone fast 3) That Big building holds 24 theaters 4) Griffins xB SCION next to a bigger box car … 5) BIG box LITTLE box 6) BIG THEATER BIG Box Little Box 7) GREAT Clouds 8) Hell Sweet Hell GRIFFINS WORK 9) THE OTHER SIDE of GRIFFINS WORK …Who does the dishes here? 10) MORE GREAT CLOUDS 11) What? I’m trying to burn some film 12) Once again … in the distance RED ROCKS 13) As you can see – the name comes from the RED rocks 14) VERY LITTLE UP here except RED ROCKS *arrow to diagram of RED ROCKS* 15) The TOWN of MORRIS proper 16) Which leads into RED ROCKS 17) We are getting there 18) BEAUTIFUL isn’t it 19) There in the distance is the trading post 20) There is the walk way that leads into … 21) Where else would the acoustics be this good? Between two RED ROCKS 22) TICKETS, REST ROOMS, and concessions 23) Stairs to the Theater / stage 24) GRIFFIN IN THE front row of an ”Intimate” concert setting 25) The stage at RED ROCKS 26) From the very back row 27) A model that shows how it’s all set up

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The neighbor has been working on a cage for his lizard. He was also very helpful with some directions to a copy place (so I can make a copy of the optical illusion – which he thought was pretty cool). I didn’t find out his name or anything, but at least I talked to him. I’m getting better about approaching strangers.
A trait I may need to pick up and use before long.
I am still planning a trip up to Red Feather Lake tomorrow on my own.
I am a little concerned since I have been feeling strange the last two days or so. I’m drinking a lot – temperature flashes (not just hot, but cold). Headache some today. Tired a lot again. Actually I’m thinking about a nap before we go to dinner.
Still no call from MFIJ – but it’s only about 5:30 his time now. Maybe soon or not at all.

I’m going to rest now.

0409.17

I’m getting ready to leave for the Shambala retreat. It’s about 9am. I’m getting my fluids started and doing all the checks I can to make sure I have everything I will need.
I’m looking forward to this excursion … I need the time to think, and be in the presents of miraculous things and compassionate people.
Post Office, Gatorade and I’m off.

BTW – I have been checking e-mail and just found out that September has vanished from my web site. I don’t know what happened – it was there up to the 9th or 10th when I left. I can’t fix it until I get home. Thanks for checking in.

*MFIJ* I am half way up into the mountains at the “Forks” café / reststop waiting on a calzone for Lunch. It’s noon here (time to take my meds). I’ve been driving now for about two hours. This is a nice break. Looks like it will be about another half hour to the Shambala retreat. I would have missed lunch there – but honestly the food is close to vegatarian and the meats they cook are kind of exotic. When I stayed there for a week … almost two years ago? I didn’t starve (1 but I did lose weight. Last time I wanted to stop here, but we didn’t have the time. You didn’t call last night – I hate being right. I also figure your “grounding” may have prevent the use of the phone. If you call today I can’t be reached. Griffin and I talked last night over dinner (actually I talked and Griffin listen, he’s really good at that). It was a great dinner. We had to “put on our fancy clothes.” (I had Griffin take a picture) and went to J. Alexander’s (I took a picture of it and the ‘light rail’ (2 that runs next to it (Denver’s new mass transit – like Chicago’s “L”).) The food was incredible (and at about $15 to $20 a plate it should be) and the service was excellent. She even sold us on dessert. Oh God, nearly had an orgasm from the hot chocolate cake with vanilla Hagendaz and covered in hot fudge. = Heh, small world, My very cute waiter asked what I was writing about – found out where I was from and let me know his brother lives in Topeaka and told me about his last visit there playing frizbe golf at Shunga. Damn fine Calzone. (3 This place is great. Everyone is so friendly. Time to pay and move on up the mountain. == You asked for a lot of pictures, I’m on my third camera now. Lots of pictures of the Stupa, and on the way back I took pictures of the Budwieser plant. I took my cards up there – I asked for some personal enlightenment on my desires / track record / ability for an intimate love relationship. As always, I ask for an answer, and I’m given more questions. Scott will get a real kick out of the reading. Griffin should really (4 like the Stupa photos – so much has changed up there. I t still brought back a lot of memories. My goal right now is to wait for the sun to set and make it back to Griffins in time for SG-1 and Atlantis. Maybe I can figure out how to get a picture of the neighbor with his Lizard ;) “I continue to invent myself      every day.”           Maya Angelou “We are living art, Created to Hang on, Stand up,      Forbear, Continue, and Encourage others.”           Maya Angelou “Let us enjoy the ART of LIVING.”           Maya Angelou (5 *also included was the map to Shambala Center, so he could have an idea where it was. And the flier from Shambala Center about the grounds so he could have an idea how big a place it was.*

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I had a great time today.
I stopped at the ‘Forks’ restaurant on the way up to Shambala. It’s a small world, my ‘waiter’ asked me what I was writing, found out where I was from and told me his brother lives in Topeka – and about his last visit to see his brother when they played Frizbe golf at Shunga.
Some of the best food I’d had at a ‘rest stop’ and some of the friendliest people. They even had another camera for me to buy so I could take more pictures on the way home.
I gave the ‘waiter’ my web address and told him to check out the journals in a week after I had the chance to post everything (he originally thought I was writing a service review *L* - I let him know he would be mentioned favorably.)

I forgot to mention in the letter what Griffin had to say about the whole situation.
”You aren’t sloppy seconds; you are over looked firsts. … I don’t know if that helps any.” Something I have said in a similar way before … and it does give a little reassurance, but in the long run – no it doesn’t help.

Up at the Stupa, I did a Zen card reading. I can’t wait to show it to Scott.

Osho Zen Card reading
Done at Shambala Great Stupa
9/17/04 for BRET TURNER
KEY – 8 cards +1
?Imtimate physical Love – my need for it – how to get it – do without it - ect.

Comment: There is wind, and I am outside on the ground. I thought there were 9 cards in the key – I picked up 9 rocks to hold the cards in place. There are 8 cards in the key – in picking the last care – one stuck to a finger on both hands. My left hand became the 8th care – the 9th card has a rock and will be used as an overall meditation.

1) CELEBRATION 3 of water 2) SORROW 9 of clouds 3) CHANGE X 4) MATURITY ACE of Rainbows 5) ORDINARYNESS 8 of Rainbows 6) ICE-OLATION 3 of clouds 7) ALONENESS IX 8) FIGHTING KNIGHT of cloud 9) EXHAUSTION 9 of FIRE	The card set-up was as follows.	8 - The Understanding FIGHTING
5 - Insight into the Body ORDINARYNESS	6 - Insight into the Mind ICE-OLATION	7 - Insight into the Heart ALONENESS
	4 - The Medatation MATURITY
	2 - The Yin or Passive aspect SORROW	3 - The Yang or Active aspect CHANGE
	1 - What is repressed CELEBRATION	9 - A separate medatation for understanding or insight EXHAUSTION

 

More then perfect sense – it all still hurts and leaves me thinking

I am almost out of paper. 70 pages in this notebook. Almost entirely written to MFIJ.
I don’t even think he’s read it all. I wonder if he really cares at all.

Do I only pick the ones that will hurt me?
Do I deny myself CELEBRATION in favor of SORROW?
Am I caught in ORDINARYNESS, ICE-OLATION, and ALONENESS; and FIGHTING to stay there.
Is it any wonder that I am EXHAUSTED?

Speaking of which… its time for bed.

0409.18

*Post Card* “Who’s the Tourist?” Post card photo by Lou Poulter Has a family of about 5 or 4 butts in the air as they lean over a canyon … with a deer staring at them. “Not me any longer I’ll be home with 3 rolls of film before you get this Call when you are Available.      DDK      Bret

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